Tuesday, December 29, 2009

La Machine Wins 2009 HFBBL Super Bowl

After a one-point loss to Fantasy Virgin in 2008’s final, La Machine crushed Renal Failure to win the 2009 HBFFL Championship, 127-62.

Talk about throwing bears into outer space. Or beating a fantasy team like a rented mule.

I waited all day Sunday, and even Monday hoping Renal Failure's team would actually show up. I'm sure he was much more anxious then I was of course, hoping for a championship as well as redemption for one of his only two regular season losses.

And I know about redemption. I got mine against Defending Champion in both weeks five and fourteen.

I know about struggling. After four weeks, La Machine was 1-3 and in ninth place. But they do not call me the King of Fantasy Football for nothing.

It took some good pickups (Ray Rice, NE defense), one of the gutsiest trades in fantasy football history (Chris Johnson in exchange for Andre Johnson), and some luck (the lowest PA in HBFFL) but here I stand, the Champs.

And of course, I am the King of Fantasy Football because I took all three of my fantasy teams to the finals, winning two of them. It was one hell of a season.

On that note it is time to celebrate. Take us out King Africa...

Chris Cameron is a co-writer and the editor of the HBFFL humor blog. He also writes his own brand of odd humor at Angry Seafood.

Tonight I'm gonna party like it's around 1780?

If only my opponent Joe, coach of the Defending Champion team, had played Falco (at least, that's what he said in a Yahoo chat on Sunday)...

oops, I think he meant Flacco, he might have had, at least, a fighting chance against me in our fifth-place consolation game.

Alas, he didn't.

Even if he had, he only would have tied me at 108-108 instead of the 108-106 score by which I did win, and I would have won on tiebreakers by having more touchdowns than he did: 7 to 4 per the rules in our league for tiebreakers.

But at least, he would have had a fighting chance...

...as it was, going into last night's Vikings-Bears game, my team was behind Joe's team 104-106.

All I needed was the Vikings to get an interception at least to tie the game. How hard could that be, especially against Jay Cutler, who had 25 entering last night's game? Or even a couple of sacks, with sacks being worth 1 point, one would think that wouldn't be hard.

Well, one would be...like this urinal...

See video at Gizmodo to see how wrong.

First quarter, Vikings D, 0. Second quarter, Vikings D, 0. Most of third quarter, Vikings D, 0 until...

with 1:12 left in the third quarter, Cutler was sacked, and I was within one, 105-106...then two plays later, finally the interception came, and I was ahead 107-106.


Finally finishing at 8-8, .500 and in fifth out of 10 places, I could dance like it was around 1780 and in Vienna.

2009 HBFFL MVP Week Sixteen

This was an odd MVP week as the pool of players were two teams fighting for the championship, another two playing for third place, two more for fifth, and yet two more for seventh.

No matter what it is the last MVP post for the 2009 season...

QB- Donovan McNabb 41
La Machine

RB- Jonathan Stewart 32
The Ramblers

WR- Randy Moss 22
The Ramblers

TE- Brent Celek 23
Prestige Worldwide

K- David Akers 12
Predator Press

Def- Green Bay Packers 11
Prestige Worldwide

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt. Bench players are not eligible.)

2009 HBFFL WK 16 Playoff/Consolation Results

La Machine wins HFBBL Championship

Predator Press wins Third Place game

The Ramblers win Fifth Place game

Prestige Worldwide wins Seventh Place game

Monday, December 28, 2009

Play our season out, Keyboard Cat!

The People's Champion had a bad day... so bad that by the time 4pm rolled around we didn't even bother taking out the inactive Stephen Jackson from our lineup. Not that it would have mattered anyway.

La Machine soundly defeated Renal Failure 127-62 for the HBFFL Championship, no two or three or six ways about it, and in complete Wild Card (bitches!) fashion too as we did not expect our starting lineup (with the exception of Philip Rivers) to utterly and completely collapse in the biggest game of the year. Nope... didn't see that coming at all. That's how the Wild Card rolls.

But there is no sympathy for the devil, or Renal Failure. So I guess that's our last nickname of the year, The Devil. It does explain how we got away with that trade with The Ramblers, and why no one really wanted to trade with us after that. That and the Devil has all the best bands on his side.

Angela Gossow will rock your face so hard it will get pushed out the back of your skull...

On the bright side, we did improve over last season's 7th-place finish at 8-6, won our first playoff game ever (before totally not showing up for the championship game), and set the benchmarks of excellence for the regular season with our nine-game win streak and 12-2 record.

And now we've reached the Fantasy off-season, where the People's Champion is likely to lose themselves in an alcohol-soaked bender until we're numb to all of our pain and dissapointment. And hopefully by the time we come out of that self-destructive cycle it'll be time for the 2010 HBFFL season... where the fight to the top begins again.

---Renal Failure wanders alone down the road to the that sad piano music from the Incredible Hulk TV show...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The King Will Not Be Denied His Throne

When you play La Machine in the HBFFL Championship you are down with the king of fantasy football...

By down I mean Renal Failure going down. In flames even.

Yeah like that.

Most fantasy team owners would be afraid of Renal Failure's scary lineup, with Rivers, S-Jax, MJD, Dallas Freakin' Clark, and Hines Ward. It's like Frankenstein, Wolfman, and Dracula all being in the same monster movie.

Yeah, that scary.

But I am not afraid. I've got my own scary movie in McNabb, Rice, The Johnson known as Andre, and Welker. And let's not forget Ryan Grant who is quietly finishing a top-ten RB season.

And of course there is my secret weapon. The final one, saved for the most important and final game of the 2009 HBFFL season is none other then...

Yes, that's right frigging Superman! I know, right now you are thinking "how does Superman help a fantasy football team?"

You must have forgotten one of the Man of Steel's lesser-used powers: the ability to reverse time.

In the first film, after Lois was killed by an earthquake caused by Lex Luthor, Superman flew around the Earth like crazy and reversed it's rotation.

I'll make that fucker fly around the planet a million times until I get the outcome that will fulfill my destiny: a championship win.

So good luck Renal Failure. You will need it.

Chris Cameron is a co-writer and the editor of the HBFFL humor blog. He also writes his own brand of odd humor at Angry Seafood.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I got 145 problems but a Canuck ain't one

That's what 145 points tastes like when you only have 118...

Is there anyone left out there who doubts Renal Failure?

The Wild Card (bitches!) is going to the HBFFL Championships to face La Machine. The People's Champion vs. The Commissioner.

We'll do our review now since we've got computer issues that will keep us from doing our usual late week post. Besides, Chris probably has a post in the works with lots of graphics of Bearataurs humping Daleks and giving birth to Death Stars full of Sith spiders and we don't want to follow that.

So let's look at the trends...

FACT: In 2008, the team that finished first in the regular season and scored the most points went on to win the championship (Fantasy Virgin a.k.a. Defending Champions). Renal Failure finished first and scored the most points in 2009.

La Machine is 0-1 in HBFFL championship games.

Renal Failure is now 3-0 this season in avenging prior losses (even if two of those losses were grudges from last season). La Machine ended our nine-game winning streak in Week 10 and has not yet tasted retribution for that.

In the final days of the 2009 HBFFL season The People's Champion is one win away from being an Actual Champion. The countdown is on...

This is the greatest song ever created and you are wrong to think otherwise...

Do you hear that? It's not sleigh bells. It's the People chanting Renal Failure's name. And they want a HBFFL Championship sitting by the Festivus Pole.

---To paraphrase the late great Ol' Dirty Bastard: Renal Failure is for the children.

No fingers this week, maybe next week

Roast duck sandwich

In case, you don't recognize the above photo, it's what I had for a late lunch yesterday: a roast duck sandwich as I defeated Team Duckgirl by a score of at least 142 to 92 (I couldn't stomach following the Giants-Redskins game any longer last night to see how little points Quinton Ganther finished with).

As of Sunday morning, though, I was down 50-0, as Tony Romo led her squad with 28 points, Jacksonsville's Mike Sims-Walker followed with 12 points, the Dallas D put up 10 points, and I looked like this:

1957-59 Rambler wagon
http://www.flickr.com/photos/59866125@N00/ / CC BY-NC 2.0

Slowly but surely, though, I made a comeback, starting with of all people Randy Moss (no finger photos this week as per request of Joe - Defending Champion). Moss had five receptions for 70 yards and a touchdown for 13 points. Then my man, DeSean Jackson went off in Philly against the 'Niners with six passes for 140 yards and a touchdown for 25 points. Beanie Wells rumbled for a career-high 110 yards and a touchdown for 23 points.

Finally, my MVP, as usual, was Aaron Rodgers, who passed for 383 yards and three touchdowns to give my team a whopping 52 points. Plus an unexpected bonus: the Packers lost to my Steelers 37-36 after a miraculous comeback by Big Ben and the boys.

If only I had played Jonathan Stewart, who exploded for 109 yards rushing and a touchdown on 25 carries for 28 points, I would have had at least a whopping 168 points. However, I don't feel that it really was that bad after reading in this article on Yahoo that his performance snapped "Minnesota’s streak of 36 games without allowing a 100-yard rusher." No one could have predicted his breakout performance, or that DeAngelo Williams, the starter, would go out with an ankle injury in the first quarter.

Instead, I played Quinton Ganther...who at this point (writing this at 10:27 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, but scheduling this post for later)...had two points. Maybe I'll be giving him those fingers tomorrow that I normally reserve for Randy Moss in the past (again, don't worry, Joe, no finger photos).

Next week I face Defending Champion who I have defeated twice, first in week 3 by a score of 115-48, then in week 12, 93-89. This time I think it will be even closer with Joe making some great acquisitions as he has gone throughout the season and Big Ben beginning to look like his old self. Plus he has Chris Johnson. I have a feeling unless one of my guys has a breakout game, I'm going to be posting a Monday Morning QB post instead and hopefully in defeat, I'll once again find my sense of humor, which for some reason I seem to have lost this week.

2009 HBFFL Super/Consolation/3rd Place Bowl Schedule

HBFFL Super Bowl

#1 Renal Failure 12-2
Points for: 1481
Points against: 1146


#3 LaMachine 8-6
Points for: 1393
Points against: 1161

Consolation Bowl

#5 The Ramblers 7-7
Points for: 1292
Points against: 1328


#6 Defending Champion 6-8
Points for: 1436
Points against: 1456

Third Place Bowl

#2 Predator Press 9-5
Points for: 1353
Points against: 1167


#4 What The Canuck? 8-6
Points for: 1281
Points against: 1192

2009 HBFFL MVP Week Fifteen

Lots of big performances in the Week Fifteen Semi finals/consolation round of the MVP's...

QB- Aaron Rodgers 52
The Ramblers

RB- Maurice Jones-Drew 31
Renal Failure

WR- Steve Smith 26
Prestige Worldwide

TE- Dallas Clark 21
Renal Failure

K- Matt Prater 14
The Ramblers

Def- New York Giants 17
What The Canuck?

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt. Bench players are not eligible.)

2009 HBFFL WK 15 Playoff/Consolation Results

Playoff games were Renal Failure vs What The Canuck? and Predator Press vs La Machine. Consolation games were Defending Champion vs Prestige Worldwide and The Ramblers vs Team Duckgirl.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Fantasy Football Quote Of The Day

"I think we've seen more willy here than we've seen all year."
Pittsburgh Steelers radio announcer

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Duck Duck Goose!

I'm looking to cook Team Duckgirl's goose here in the first round of the playoffs, although I don't think it will be as easy this time around as it was the first time during the regular season when I cooked her goose 85-21. As of this morning, I'm projected by the folks at Yahoo to beat her 85-84.

The first time, she actually forget to field a team, not playing Tony Romo or DeAngelo Williams aka DWillIII. This time, both are in the lineup, plus Mike Sims Walker, who starts tonight vs. the Colts. But I counter her with Aaron Rodgers, who has been solid all year, and DeSean Jackson, aka my own D-abbreviated player, DJax, who is coming back from a concussion and giving other teams' cornerbacks coronaries in the process. Plus I have my secret/not-so-secret weapon now in Quinton Ganther:

Sure, it was the Oakland Raiders that Ganther burned for two touchdowns, and not the New York Giants, but if there's one thing I've learned in fantasy football, it's that you gotta to have faith.

I even have faith in Randy Moss (who admittedly I flipped off again in my last post), because if there is a second thing I've learned about fantasy football, it's forgiveness (just like I hope you'll "forgive me" for using this video of eye candy).

After all, The Dude did bounce back from his earlier bad games this season. After putting up two points against the Jets (and Revis) in Week 2, he did return in Week 3 with 16 the following week against the Falcons, and then after putting up three points against Denver in Week 5, he did bounce back in Week 6 with 35 points.

And, of course, if there are third and fourth things I've learned about fantasy football (to steal a page from Chris Cameron's book), it's "Never get involved in a land war in Asia" and "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line."

On second thought, after seeing the video and remembering the quotes in context, I'm hoping Allison (Duckgirl) is Sicilian.

Speaking of forgiveness, on a serious note, our condolences to the family and friends of Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry, who passed away this morning.

Week 15: Now you may talk about playoffs

Note: We're early with this because the Thursday night game between the Colts and Jaguars involves starters on the Renal Failure and What the Canuck? rosters...

Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy want to talk to Canucklehead about the idea of starting Trent Edwards...

Fact: Last season, both Renal Failure and What the Canuck? failed to make the playoffs.

Fact: What the Canuck? also failed to make the consolation playoffs with his 4-10 record.

You may remember back after Week One when we showed that four out of the five teams that won their first game in 2008 went on to make the playoffs that year, meaning your 2009 playoff teams were most likely going to be from this motley crew of teams: Defending Champions (aka The Brains), Team Duckgirl (aka The Looks), Totes McGoats/Prestige Worldwide (aka The Brawn), What the Canuck? (aka the Ducky) and Renal Failure (aka the Wild Card, among many other things). Well it turns out that trend was bunk. The Looks faded with lineup issues (such as starting inactive players), The Brawn couldn't muscle enough points out its roster (despite having Adrian Peterson and Kurt Warner, and making some shrewd and timely free agent pickups late in the season) and the Brains outthought himself into sixth place even with Chris Johnson in his employ (and helped Predator Press make the playoffs by trading Drew Brees to LOBO at the deadline). Only the Ducky and the Wild Card made the playoffs, much to the surprise of everyone, so it's fitting that they get to play each other in the first round.

Canuck beat the People's Champion last week to earn that playoff spot, and that was Canucklehead's first mistake. In games this season where The Wild Card (bitches!)has sought vengeance for a previous loss they are 2-0 with wins over the Ramblers (for the Dallas Clark fiasco of 2008) and Defending Champions (for his womanly alter-ego Fantasy Virgin keeping us out of the playoffs last year). Renal Failure knows revenge.

Now Canucklehead will never get to see those new Kids in the Hall "Death Comes to Town" episodes!

But the People's Champion has not been so dominant these days. Maurice Jones-Drew has been looking very mortal and the QB situation in St. Louis is allowing opposing defenses to stack the line against Stephen Jackson. Philip Rivers has been serviceable and efficient, but that doesn't give the People the big points they want. Our wide receiver core of Hines Ward, Chad Ochocinco, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Percy Harvin, and Jeremy Maclin have become unreliable and banged-up as of late. The Philadelphia Defense has only just begun stepping up their game again and Dallas Clark's success is contingent on Peyton Manning's success, and Manning is centerpiece of the What the Canuck? squad. It would seem the only steady performer that the People can depend on is our kicker.

Nate Kaeding, I have never prayed to you. I have no tongue for it...

Canuck has the same problem with Philip Rivers as we do with Peyton Manning, as he employs Antonio Gates in the tight end slot. But Canuck got on-board the Ricky Williams train at the right time to snap himself out of a five game slide (that started with Canuck's Week 5 loss to Renal Failure) and go 4-1 to end the season. And he has learned not to tie his fate to that of the Buffalo Bills by not starting T.O. and Lee Evans all the time at WR (though he still runs Fred Jackson in the Flex spot).

Yahoo! projects Renal Failure to win 105-94 as of Thursday 8am, which we find to be highly optimistic on Yahoo's part. But that could play right into the People Champion's hands because Renal Failure is 2-0 when they fail to exceed their projected score (which includes Canuck's Week 5 loss). However, we're fully aware that the universe might find it extremely hilarious for a team having such a successful regular season as Renal Failure did (a record setting 12-2 with nine straight wins to start the season and the record for most points scored with 1481) to completely fall apart in the first round of the playoffs.

Our prediction?

Renal Failure... he's the man whose name you'd love to touch... but you mustn't touch!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Wk 15 Playoffs: La Machine vs Predator Press

La Machine vs Predator Press in the semifinals.

McNabb vs Brees...Sidney Rice and Brandon "Don't give anyone else the ball" Marshall vs Welker and the Johnson known as Andre...the two-headed RB snake of Ray Rice and Ryan Grant.

The winner moves on to the championship round. The loser plays for third place.

LOBO has decided to throw down the gauntlet with some bulletin board fodder:
"In anticipation of the rest of the season, I'm already wearing my t-shirt."
By t-shirt he means this one:

He hasn't beaten Renal Failure yet this season. By wearing the shirt it implies he will beat me this week and RF in the HBFFL Super Bowl.

LOBO, however has failed to take into account that La Machine has secret weapons. My team has already used Ivan Drago, Stephen Segal, the Death Star and being a Sith Lord, the infamous Bearataur, the Daleks, and even the Fonz from Happy Days to ensure wins.

And while the rules state that a secret weapon can only be used once, I've still got two more left in the bank.

This week I unleash one of my creepiest secret weapons yet: La Machine the Huge Mechanical Spider...

In development for two years overseas, my latest secret weapon instills a fear of the most basic level. Everyone hates bugs, especially creepy spiders. Fantasy football teams are not immune.

And if you are wondering why the crowd is not running away in panic it is because they are rooting for my team. If they were pro-Predator Press all hell would be breaking loose.

There would be mayhem, chaos, and of course a man on fire which also happens to be a good metaphor for LOBO's team this week.

Running scared.


Chris Cameron is a co-writer and the editor of the HBFFL humor blog. He also writes his own brand of odd humor at Angry Seafood.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Judgment Day

Predator Press


I’m not going to engage in a lot of trash talking here.

It wasn’t easy getting this far, and it wasn’t without luck; frankly, there was little one would classify as “clever” or “shrewd” in my season. A lot of better players and teams, having suffered unforeseeable misfortunes, are starin’ at me in utter disbelief.

And now, at the end of the season, the waiver wires –often the only thing keeping me an inch or two ahead of my respective matchups- have dried up.

Alas, Predator Press has no reason to expect to continue to win.

Thusly faced by a number of teams I cannot beat -and as my season comes to its inevitable and overdue end- one might expect me to be classy and gracious; to rise above the petty and slanderous "Trash Talk" common amongst sports enthusiasts.

And one might also expect me not to call Chris Cameron a stinky-faced poo poo head (despite his attempt to kill Jesus).

But from the automobile to the standard kitchen blender

I break machines on a daily basis.

Canada vs. the People

We blame Anne Murray for our loss too...

Renal Failure had the rare misfortune of losing in Week 14, this time at the hands of our neighbor to the north What the Canuck? 111-102. The Ducky of the HBFFL got big days from Peyton Manning and Ricky Williams while Renal Failure didn't get the big days we were hoping for from Stephen Jackson and Philip Rivers. (who would have thought the Eagles/Giants game would be the shootout instead of the Chargers/Cowboys game? Eli Manning with 43 points? Inconceivable!). But the People were heartened by the orbital bear games of Dallas Clark (22pts) and the Philly Defense (23pts) to keep the score respectable.

Strange fact: Renal Failure only other loss this season was a 111-96 affair to La Machine. Apparently the People's Champion can only be defeated by teams scoring exactly this amount of points.

And with that victory, the Ducky Canuck has earned himself a playoff spot. Unfortunately for Canucklehead, with how the Ramblers/Predator Press and La Machine/Defending Champions games went (Ramblers and DefChamps lost, eliminating them from playoff contention), What the Canuck? has to face Renal Failure again in the first round of the playoffs. A very unhappy Renal Failure.

"Oh good for you!"

Yes, the Wild Card (bitches!) of the HBFFL had the number one playoff seed wrapped up weeks ago. Yes, Renal Failure holds the record for most regular season wins in a season in the HBFFL. Yes, Renal Failure just set the record for points scored in a season with 1481 (that's 105.7 points a game). But Renal Failure was denied a 13th win and a winning percentage over .900, as well as the evil joy of crushing yet another team's playoff hopes. And it gives Canuck the right to buy this t-shirt from LOBO...

Only two people in the world can wear this shirt... and they both made the playoffs.

So the playoffs are set. Renal Failure(1) vs What the Canuck?(4) and Predator Press(2) vs. La Machine(3). We'll have our People's Playoff preview on Friday. It's different than the playoff review you might get from Chris C. or LOBO or UnfinishedPerson or Joe because they don't employ any ninjas or Tag Larkin on their research staffs.

---Renal Failure wants to know if you like Huey Lewis and the News...

Tuesday Morning QB: No Love For RMoss, But Mad Love For DJax and QGanth

I've had a love/hate relationship with Randy Moss this year.

In September, I hated him when he gave me this many points:


Then in November, I loved him when he gave me 34 points, and said he could be the one to give out the fingers.

After Sunday's performance, in which he gave me 1 point, on 1 reception for 16 yards, and I lost 83-102 to Lobo's Predator Press squad, I've changed my mind yet again on Mr. Moss.

I hate him.


From now on, Mr. Moss, I'm going to be the one giving out the finger or fingers because thanks in part to you, I didn't make it into the top 4 and have a shot at taking on Renal Failure.


However, to be fair, it wasn't all Randy.

When your kicker outscores your quarterback, in this case, Billy Cundiff outscored Aaron Rodgers 12-11, you know you're in trouble.

I'm just glad Cundiff didn't outscore everybody else on my team, especially DJax who had 28 points, on 6 catches for 178 yards, and...

...my pickup of the week, Quinton Ganther, who tallied 21 points with two rushing touchdowns, or as I'm calling him QGanth. No fingers for either of them...

...or for my opponent either. He had Drew Brees and Brandon Marshall. What can I say?

courtesy of Abstruse Goose (click photo for original)

At least, you three played a good game. Thanks, gentlemen.

2009 HBFFL Semifinals Schedule

HBFFL Week Fifteen-Semifinals Schedule

#1 Renal Failure 12-2
Points for: 1481
Points against: 1146


#4 What The Canuck? 8-6
Points for: 1281
Points against: 1192

#2 Predator Press 9-5
Points for: 1353
Points against: 1167


#3 LaMachine 8-6
Points for: 1393
Points against: 1161

2009 HBFFL Consolation Wk 1

HBFFL Week Fifteen- Consolation Wk 1

#5 The Ramblers 7-7

Points for: 1292
Points against: 1328


#8 Team Duckgirl 6-8
Points for: 1161
Points against: 1338

#6 Defending Champion 6-8
Points for: 1436
Points against: 1456


#7 Prestige Worldwide 6-8
Points for: 1280
Points against: 1376

2009 HBFFL MVP Week Fourteen

Week Fourteen's fantasy football MVP's include the man who broke the single-game record for receptions...

QB- Payton Manning 35
What the Canuck?

RB- Chris Johnson 40
Defending Champion

WR- Brandon Marshall 37 (21 receptions!)
Predator Press

TE- Dallas Clark 22
Renal Failure

K- Rob Bironas 18
Prestige Worldwide

Def- Philadelphia Eagles 22
Renal Failure

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt. Bench players are not eligible.)

2009 HBFFL Week Fourteen Results and Standings


Standings (Final regular season standings)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Time to End Your Season Defending Champs

A year ago Leigh the Fantasy Virgin beat me both in the regular season and by one point in the Championship game.

It turns out the team was run by her husband Joe, a reversal in a sense to the tv show "The League" where one of the owners' team is actually run by his wife....

...which makes this picture of Fantasy Virgin claiming the Championship prize very awkward being that it is actually Joe kissing the trophy. But that topic is better left to another post, and frankly to the professionals in the field of cross dressing.

So here we are at Week Fourteen and La Machine plays Defending Champion. Joe's team should be dead in the water after going 2-4 in the last six weeks but like Jason the guy is still hanging around for a post-season berth.

It is time to end this charade and no better person to take Defending Champion down then the team that lost to them in the HBFFL Super Bowl. The battle of football wits has begun.

I'm the man in black and I have spend years developing an immunity to fantasy football teams trying to beat me to make the post-season. You are next up on the defeat list Joe.


Friday, December 11, 2009

Week 14: Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck? Round Two

Renal Failure journal. December 11th, 2009. Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. What the Canuck? is afraid of us. The accumulated dreck of Canucklehead's devotion to the Buffalo Bills will foam up about his waist, and he'll look up and shout "Let me make the playoffs." And we'll whisper "No."

It's Week 14, the last game of the regular season, the last chance for desperate souls to grab hold of a playoff berth. And What the Canuck? fits the bill of a desperate soul considering they've gone 3-6 since starting the season 4-0 (Renal Failure handed them their first loss of the season in Week 5), and the fact that they lose every tiebreaker with the remaining playoff eligible teams (though they aren't frantically hitting the waiver wire, unloading and loading entire rosters in a single sitting like Predator Press and the Ramblers). Canuck squandered their chance to control their destiny by being on the receiving end of the Toyota Fantasy Football Blowout of Week 13 vs. Defending Champions, 133-79. Now they're forced into a must-win situation against a team that has not only lost just once in thirteen games but is the only team in the league this season to put up more points than DefChamps.

Now some of our more clever readers might say "Hey Renal Failure, wouldn't you be better off letting Canuck win so that you'd play him in the first round of the playoffs? All he has is Peyton Manning. DefChamps employs an entire bear space program starring Chris Johnson, La Machine is deep at WR and might get Michael Turner back, and the Ramblers have Aaron Rodgers and Randy Moss." And those are valid points, but you will have forgotten two little things...

Renal Failure plays to win the game. And Renal Failure is not a fucking douchebag.

You see, if the situations were swapped and DefChamps tanked their game with Canuck just so they wouldn't have to play us in the playoffs, well we'd be a little miffed.

We're tired of losing to Perdue too.

Besides, it's not like we can guarantee that Canuck would be the fourth seed anyway. A Rambler loss and a La Machine loss would bump Canuck up to the third seed, and then we'd still have to play Defending Champions because they'd win the tiebreaker vs. Rambler and Machine. Then La Machine, who's also the commissioner, would be pissed at us because if we had beaten Canuck he would have made it into the playoffs in that four-way tie for the last two spots scenario.

No, forget all that. The People's Champion plays to win the game.

And Yahoo! likes the People's chances of winning too. A check of the projections on Thursday have the Wild Card beating the Ducky 97-90. But the Bills are playing Kansas City, and the Chiefs are a very generous team when it comes to Fantasy Points so T.O. and Fred Jackson could outperform their projections. Then again Stephen Jackson on the People's side is only projected for 12 vs. Tennessee, and SJax has been almost automatic when it comes to 100 yard rushing games since the Week 6 trade with Rambler, and he can find the end zone too.

But even if What the Canuck? pulls out a surprise victory this week, it's no big thing to the People's Champion. If it happens we'll probably get to face Canuck in the first round of the playoffs. And remember... nobody circles the wagons like Renal Failure.

---When the whole world is a joke, the only sensible thing to be is Renal Failure.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Week 13 - Take Two... this time with less enthusiasm

We'll dispense with the usual pleasantries first, as this post is being hastily rewritten because Blogger sucks and should die in a fire. Week 13. Renal Failure won, Team Duckgirl lost. She's out of playoff contention. And so is Prestige Worldwide. Renal Failure now holds the record for wins in a regular season with 12, and will most likely break Fantasy Virgin/Defending Champions point scoring record of 1422 in Week 14 vs. What the Canuck?

So...who's left? We're going to go through each team to figure out as best we can what each team needs to do or have others do for them to get into the playoffs (and feel free to correct us if we're wrong because this shit is complicated). And also for the purposes of this exercise we're going to assume that finishing fourth and playing Renal Failure in the first round of the playoffs to be the worst thing ever for that team, aside from not making the playoffs.

Realistically Predator Press (8-5) is in, but mathematically it's not official. A PredPress win over the Ramblers clinches the 2nd seed for them. But even if PredPress loses to the 7-6 Ramblers and the other 7-6 teams La Machine and What the Canuck? win, Canuck is way behind on the tiebreaker to PredPress. 81 points to be exact. Unless Peyton Manning and Ricky Williams put up 80 points a piece, PredPress' playoff aspirations are safe. The tiebreakers with Machine and Rambler will determine seeding, though PredPress is up 9 points on Machine and 42 points on Rambler, so depending on the score of the PredPress/Rambler game PredPress could possibly finish 4th and have to play Renal Failure in the first round.

La Machine (7-6) is second-most likely to clinch. All they need to do is win over Defending Champions in Week 14. Even if Rambler and Canuck win to force a four-way 8-6 tie, it's still all good because Machine is up 33 points on Rambler and 72 points on Canuck. If Machine loses they will need losses by both Rambler and Canuck to force a four-way 7-7 tie for the last two playoff spots between Machine, Rambler, Canuck, and DefChamps. Given that the tiebreaker advantages hold, Machine will slip in as the fourth seed and a first round matchup with Renal Failure and DefChamps the third seed because no one is catching DefChamps in points. Nobody.

The Ramblers (7-6) are in if they beat Predator Press, combined with either a La Machine or What the Canuck? loss. But if that doesn't happen it's still good for the Unfinished One because in a four-team 8-6 quagmire the Ramblers are up 39 points in the tiebreaker on Canuck for 4th place. A Rambler loss, however, could throw the Unfinished One into a world of pain, depending on who else wins. A Rambler loss combined with wins by Machine and Canuck eliminate Rambler. A Rambler loss combined with a Canuck win and a Machine loss invokes a three-way 7-7 tiebreaker situation with Rambler, Machine, and DefChamps that Rambler will not win. But a Rambler loss combined with a Machine win and Canuck loss is still good for Rambler because Rambler has a 39 point lead on Canuck, which will allow Rambler to get in as the fourth seed and give him a chance to point his rueful finger at Renal Failure.

What the Canuck? (7-6) needs to win over Renal Failure (ha!) and they need La Machine or the Ramblers to lose because as we showed in the Predator Press scenario, if four teams make it to 8-6, Canuck's going to be the odd team out. If Canuck loses, they're just as screwed because they win no tiebreakers. Canuck can be the 3rd seed and miss a rematch with Renal Failure with a win and losses by Machine and Rambler.

Defending Champions (6-7) need a win vs. La Machine and a Rambler or Canuck loss. Any team that enters the 7-7 tiebreaker with DefChamps will lose, even La Machine who is 89 points behind DefChamps who are the 2nd highest scoring team in the league (behind Renal Failure). If Rambler and Canuck both lose, DefChamps can finish third and miss a first round game with Renal Failure. If only one of them lose, DefChamp will get in as the fourth seed.

Everybody got that? Good.

Preview of Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck later this week. Hopefully Blogger won't eat that one too.

---Renal Failure says this is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps...

Blogger ate my homework

Renal Failure regrets to inform you that our post detailing the playoff-making scenarios for each of the five eligible teams, as well as our victory over Team Duckgirl, was mercilessly swallowed whole by Blogger and will not be coming to you today, or possibly ever.

That is all.

A helping of Stew helps me to cook Chris Cameron's goose (again)

My wife dishes out some of her homemade stew Sunday afternoon as I hoped the Carolina Panthers would dish out some of their own stew in Jonathan Stewart, aka JStew...

...and they did, as Stew scored one touchdown, rushed for 120 yards on 26 carries and amassed 23 fantasy points for my team en route to a 98-74 win over Sith Lord Chris Cameron.

It is the second time I've defeated him, with the first time coming in Week 4, 106-96, after which he said, I would "rue the day" when I met him again this week.

I said I wouldn't and that it would be another tight matchup between us.

At the end of Sunday's games, it couldn't be any tighter, with each of us having 64 points. His Wes Welker outscored my Randy Moss by the palindromic 21-12.

Then came last night where I had only one player, Aaron Rodgers, to his two players, Ryan Grant and Ray Rice.

The thing is while Chris's secret was that he is a Sith Lord, my secret is that I'm a Jedi Knight:

aafad 211/365 deck the halls ...

Jedi Knight trumps Sith Lord, not only in Star Wars mythology, but also in fantasy football, plus it doesn't hurt that I look a little like Jesus and I wear kick-ass boots...

...as Chris learned when ARod outscored his own running back and his opponent's running back, 34-10, last night to give me the 98-74 victory.

Next week: ARod faces a bigger challenge in Drew Brees, but I'm hoping to have Steve Slaton and DeSean Jackson back in the lineup to help ARod slay the dragon. Tune in next Tuesday to see if they and I were successful in our quest...

...and later today: Renal Failure celebrates his latest victory and breaks down the possible scenarios that could lead to his ultimate defeat.

2009 HBFFL MVP Week Thirteen

Besides Drew Brees, the Week Thirteen HBFFL MVP's had some variety.

QB- Drew Brees 37
Predator Press

RB- Jon Stewart 23
The Ramblers

WR-(tie) Robert Meachem 25
Prestige Worldwide

Santonio Holmes 25
Bald Spots

Larry Fitzgerald 25
Googlyeyed Goons

TE- Vernon Davis 22
Defending Champion

K-Nate Kaeding 12
Renal Failure

Def- Cincinnati Bengals 13
Defending Champion


(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt. Bench players are not eligible.)

2009 HBFFL Week Thirteen Results and Standings



Sunday, December 6, 2009

Strange Things Afoot in the NFL


Yes, that was a 97-yard field goal. Okay, not really but for a few minutes Yahoo's GameChannel thought John Kasay threw a bear into outer space...


Friday, December 4, 2009

Week 13 Review: Renal Failure vs. Team Duckgirl and everyone else in the playoff race

Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy support our decision to start Jeremy Maclin...

It may seem Renal Failure has nothing to play for this week, but they do. A 12th regular season victory would give the People's Champion the HBFFL record for wins in a regular season. Blocking the People's Path this week is Team Duckgirl returning for a second go-round to avenge her 106-58 loss in Week 4, as well as fight for her playoff life. For at 5-7, Duckgirl can't afford to lose, and even if she does win out her destiny is still not completely in her own hands. But more on that later...

Duckgirl (aka The Looks) fields a more dangerous lineup for Week 13 than she did in Week 4. Tony Romo has learned how to throw the ball, Frank Gore is back from injury, DeAngelo Williams is not on a bye week, and she still has her own hyphenated big-point player in WR Mike Sims-Walker, also a Jaguar like Renal Failure's Maurice Jones-Drew. That's a lot of firepower.

But Renal Failure, aka The Wild Card (bitches!), has Philip Rivers throwing against Cleveland, Chad Ochocinco catching against Detroit, Stephen Jackson running against an increasingly pourous Chicago, and Jones-Drew doing everything vs. Houston. These fine matchups have a decent chance of getting us Win Number 12.

Now to the complicated part... even if Duckgirl beats the People's Champion and Bald Spots to finish at 7-7, she still needs a lot of help because she is the longest of the long shots here. It's complicated, but we think we've worked it all out.

So Duckgirl wasn't in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois?

The scenario:

Stipulate that Team Duckgirl finishes the season 7-7.

What the Canuck? not only has to lose both their games but has to finish with less points than Duckgirl (and Canuck's currently up 86 points on her). Duckgirl also needs the Ramblers to lose both their games, or go 1-1 and squander the 106 point tiebreaker lead they have on her in those two games (and because the Ramblers play La Machine and Predator Press in the last two weeks, Machine and PredPress will clinch playoff berths in this scenario). And to make things even harder, Defending Champions and Prestige Worldwide have to lose once because they are way ahead of Duckgirl on points as well (193 for DefChamps, 93 for Prestige).

If all those things happen, if all the right stars align in the sky, Duckgirl will be the 4th seed in the playoffs and be scheduled to play Renal Failure yet again. The shitstorm never ends, does it?

The People know and are moved by Duckgirl's plight - they were there last season, scrapping to get into the playoffs while at the mercy of the actions of other teams - which is why the People call on their Champion, Renal Failure, to be merciful and spare Duckgirl the agony of hope by utterly crushing her this week.

"No, ma. I beat her in Week 4, she's my responsibility..."

And just because destroying one team's playoff hopes isn't fun enough, What the Canuck? could find himself in peril if he loses this week to Defending Champions, for the Ducky draws Renal Failure in Week 14. The People's Champion could drop Canuck down to 7-7 and right into tie-breaker hell, depending if Defending Champions or Prestige Worldwide win out. DefChamps have a 107-point edge in the tiebreaker on Canuck and 100 points on Prestige. Prestige only has seven points on Canuck.

Clinching the number one seed early, possibly ruining the playoff hopes of two teams... it's an early Kwanzaa for the People this year!

Contrary to popular belief, Kwanzaa is not black Hanukkah.

Oh, and for Rambler who thinks we're entering a word of pain if we meet again, we present this for his consideration...

You're out of your element, Rambler! And we peed on your rug!

But back to the present... Yahoo! has Renal Failure projected to win 103-94 over Duckgirl. If Duckgirl's going to beat us, she'd better put up like 200 points because she's going to need it when tiebreaker time comes.

---Renal Failure shot Sonny on the causeway, and Marvin in the face.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Some Guys Have All The Luck

Unfortunately for Defending Champion, this past week, it wasn't he.

His No. 1 QB, Ben Roethlisberger, was out with a concussion, so he had to play his No. 2 QB, Matt Ryan.

And we all know what happened there, as Ryan went down to be replaced by one of those Noname Dillholes I discussed yesterday.

Theoretically, DC could have won if he had played Miles Austin who scored 23 points to Reggie Wayne's 7 points and/or played Jamaal Charles who scored 20 points to Wayne's teammate Joseph Addai's equally woeful 7 points.

He then could have defeated me 105-93 instead of losing like he did 93-89 (no thanks to Marques Colston for putting up 23 points to almost give me a heart attack Monday night and Randy Moss only putting up an infernal 6 points).

Of course, I could have played Chris Chambers in my flex as suggested by Chris Cameron and Renal Failure instead of Bernard Scott and gotten five more points than Scott's 8 points to take me to 98, but still would have lost, 105-98.

Still I wish I had played Chambers instead of Scott, because it would have been more palindromic with the final score being 98-89 instead of the 93-89 which seems so much more banal in comparison.

Alas, beggars can't be choosers. I'll have to take the win, no matter how prosaic it is.

At least, I'm 6-6 and just hope I'm able to go .500 as the regular season ends and I face Chris and RF (edited after comment by RF correcting me that I'm not playing him in week 14 to say the following...), I mean, Lobo in the last two games. To be honest, that's my only goal this year...to win both games, possibly get into one of the top four spots and then win the whole shebang (as if) would be just icing on the cake for me.

Addendum: I know I could have used the popular Rod Stewart version of The Persuaders original song, but I liked the idea of a smiling Jamaican, mon. It fit more with how I felt after this week's win, and I couldn't resist rubbing it in a little to Defending Champion, my nemesis from last year, even if I didn't know it was he...I and the rest of the league thought it was his wife. Plus The Dude said in that post (click on link), and I quote, "And I'm still gonna kick all your asses this year in Fantasy Football, bitches." I beat you twice, I beat you twice, na na na.

Addendum to the addendum: Of course, now if you look at the comments as of this afternoon/evening, I pull out my own ass-kicking comment directed to Lobo that could come back to haunt me: "
It's just another ass to kick, to my way of thinking. ;)" Even though I put in the emoticon, it could mean trouble. Oh, well, let the chips fall where they may.

When is a Wild Card not a Wild Card?

Alex Trebek knows...

Answer: When they're the division winner.

The Wild Card (bitches) of the HBFFL - better known as Renal Failure - avoided the carefully-placed trap and clinched the top spot in the playoffs with a 91-61 victory over Paula's Googlyeyed Goons, though Paula probably won't know about it because she hasn't touched her team since September. Still, the People's Champion can take pride that even if Paula had started RB LaDainian Tomlinson and TE Anthony Fasano instead of the inactive duo of Owen Daniels and Dwayne Bowe that Renal Failure would have still been victorious. Now if Paula had started Matt Schaub at QB instead of Carson Palmer, then our ass would have been KOed.

Some days you get slapped, other days you're dishing out slaps and awesomely-dickish double thumbs-up.

Not that the People are completely happy with our victory - they rarely are, for the People are demanding. But when your fifth WR option Jeremy Maclin (5pts) outscores the combined point total of alleged WR studs Chad Ochocinco (3pts) and TJ Houshmandzadeh (1pt)... well we can see why the People are on the cranky side. Our fourth option Percy Harvin sat on the bench and put up as many points as Miles Austin and Donald Driver (25pts), and usual starter Hines Ward only put up four points, but we expected that considering his QB Ben Roethlisberger is out with a concussion and will not be allowed back in the lineup until he can spell his own last name without a cheat sheet.

In other disappointment news, Maurice Jones-Drew had another sub-par week (10pts) and the Philadelphia Defense (5pts) had the worst day of the three Defenses on our roster (49ers had 10pts, Chargers had 16pts). Stephen Jackson didn't necessarily disappoint with his 17 points, but Yahoo! had him unfairly projected for 22. But at least Philip Rivers (32pts), Nate Kaeding (12pts), and Dallas Clark (12pts) had good enough games to lock up first place for the People's Champion.

In hockey, the team with the best regular season record wins the Presidents' Trophy. There's no such trophy in the HBFFL, so we'll just take this one and name it the Tag Larkin Trophy.

So... yeah, the Wild Card (bitches!) is Number One, but the season still has two more games left to play. That means crushing the playoff dreams of Team Duckgirl and What the Canuck? so that when we go into our first playoff game at 13-1 and lose, it will be hilarious for everyone else. Anyway, we'll have our Week 13 preview of our game with Team Duckgirl, plus some possible playoff matchup scenarios, on Friday as usual.

---Renal Failure says to evacuate the dance floor because the roof is on fire and we don't need no water...

2009 HBFFL MVP Week Twelve

Despite the scoring mayhem caused by a bunch of no names in Week Twelve the MVP list contained the usual suspects.

QB- Drew Brees 53
Predator Press

RB- Chris Johnson 29
Defending Champions

WR- Marques Colston 23
Defending Champions

TE- Antonio Gates 28
What The Canuck

K (tie)- David Akers 13
Predator Press

Ryan Longwell 13
Team Duckgirl

Def- Arizona 12
Googlyeyed Goons

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt. Bench players are not eligible.)

2009 HBFFL Week Twelve Results and Standings