Thursday, December 30, 2010

Renal Failure Wins Humor Bowl III: People's Champion is now Actual Champion

by Renal Failure

The thrill of victory... and not paying child support...

The People's wait is finally over. Their champion, Renal Failure, has emerged from Humor Bowl III victorious, etching their name forever in the annals of fantasy football history with a 91-72 win over Predator Press to be crowned your 2010 HBFFL Fantasy Football Champion.

And, for good measure, Renal Failure also won the championship of LOBO's own FTWL league with a more authoritative 109-82 win, making Renal Failure a Double Champion. (and funny enough, Rambler finished third in both the HBFFL and FTWL. Symmetry abound!)

The championship was won by the passing game for the People's Champ. Tom Brady had a respectable 26-point day vs. the Bills. TE Jason Witten put up a nice 10 points vs. Arizona (though his counterpart on the bench Brandon Pettigrew had 13 points). Brandon Lloyd got back to doing what he had been doing for most of the season, and that's rack up 100-yard games, earning a fat 16 points vs. the Texans. But the MVP of Humor Bowl III was Dwayne Bowe, coming on strong when we needed him most with a sick 26 points against the Titans. Everyone else, however, failed to live up to the People's expectations. Number One Pick Chris Johnson: 5 points. Peyton Hillis: 3 points. Matt Bryant: 2 points. Tampa Bay Defense: 3 points. Those aren't championship numbers, guys. You're lucky LOBO had even bigger problems with his team.

But we had to wait until Tuesday night's Eagles/Vikings game to find out who would be 2010 HBFFL champion. The People feared that LOBO's Michael Vick would throw a bear into orbit, erasing the 50-point lead Renal Failure had built up over the weekend and Monday night and creating a Humor Bowl Miracle much like the Miracle at the Meadowlands 2. But alas, Michael Vick had no more miracles left, which proves that Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory Ines Sainz (pictured above) is the supreme deity of Fantasy Football. Take that, Jesus! In your face, Mohammed! Suck it, Zoroaster!

Other teams are world champions, but only Renal Failure is a "WORLD FUCKING CHAMPION."

We have to take a look at our opponent, the good twin in this Fantasy Football dichotomy. LOBO's season was almost a mirror of ours:
  • Both teams had decent drafts (RF with the Number One pick getting Chris Johnson, then Tom Brady in Round Two, and Dwayne Bowe in Round Five; LOBO snagged in his first three picks Maurice Jones-Drew, Stephen Jackson, and Vernon Davis who along with Malcolm Floyd were the only players to remain on the PredPress roster the entire season).
  • Both PredPress and R. Failure pulled off big trades to solidify their lineups (LOBO got Vick and Brandon Jackson off Rambler for Dustin Keller and BenJarvus-Green Ellis. LOBO then released BJax, who Renal Failure picked up and used to beat Rambler in Week Nine. (Note: We now open the floor to debate whether that trade was worse than Rambler's trade with R. Failure last season regarding Stephen Jackson and Chad Ochocinco for Steve Slaton and Jerricho Cotchery).
  • Both teams worked the waiver wire to gain the edge over their opponents (RF snatching up the Number One Scoring WR in the HBFFL Brandon Lloyd and LOBO making enough moves to swap his whole roster six times over). Both teams finished 8-6, after winning their final game of the season.
  • And most of all, both teams are the two of the elite smack-talkers in the HBFFL.
Clearly to everyone in retrospect, these two teams were destined face each other in the Championship Game. The question now was which team would come out on top. Would Renal Failure's experience last year carry the People's Champ this year? Who on the Renal Roster was going to throw a bear into orbit? Chris Johnson? Tom Brady? Matt Bryant? Could LOBO ride Michael Vick to the biggest win in Predator Press history? Would SJax and MJD step their game up to win against the team that rode them to the finals last year? Would LOBO's receivers rise to the challenge? Who, by Odin's beard and Ines Sainz's tight denim ass, would be Humor Bowl III Champion?

Well, LOBO found out that bad things often happen to good teams when it comes time for the final championship game. LOBO lost Maurice Jones-Drew to injury and opted to go with Santana Moss instead of Lagarrette Blount (who we had kind words for last week in our preview post). Moss had a respectable 8 points, outscoring both PredPress WR's Vincent Jackson (5pts) and Larry Fitzgerald (2pts), but Blount had a big 21-point day. The extra 13 points wouldn't have beaten Renal Failure, but it would have made that Eagles game even more uncomfortable to watch (it already was since we at the Failure are Eagles fans, way to fall apart, guys).

Also LOBO switched out the Jacksonville Defense for the Dallas Defense, as if LOBO was doing the opposite of what we predicted he'd do in our preview post. Well, the Cowboys had a miserable one point while Jacksonville had three. We would declare that our Jedi Mind Trick powers of fooling other teams to bench productive players had finally delivered us a victory, but we didn't say anything about Santonio Holmes and his 12-points, which when combined with Lagarette Blount's day would have defeated the People's Champ and given him a Humor Bowl ring.

LOBO made us have a sad in Week 7... we now return the favor... WITH METAL!

And so Renal Failure has continued the trend of the loser of the previous year's championship game winning it all the following year. This also means, like those previous winners Chris and Joe, that R. Failure will miss the playoffs in 2011. And it also means that LOBO will win Humor Bowl IV next season (we're also predicting The Ramblers will lose that game and then win it all in 2012). But everyone can worry about all that mayhem when the NFL preseason rolls around. Right now, it's celebration time for Renal Failure and The People. Celebration time that we have damn well earned considering how awful our season started, and how gloriously we turned it around to win not one but TWO fantasy football titles.

The reign of Chris and his Daleks, Death Star, and his Bearataur is over. Long live Renal Failure, your new champion.

Renal Failure did lose in the championship game of the 7-team league he was in, but that league wasn't nearly as cool or prestigious as this one.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Week 16 Humor Bowl III Preview: Renal Failure vs. Predator Press

by Renal Failure

Any team that gets in Renal Failure's way is soon to be de-meated...

Well, this is the day that every Fantasy Football owner dreams of seeing. After 14 weeks of regular season strife and misery just to gain a place in the playoffs and one more week of sudden death mayhem that could cruelly erase the previous 14 weeks of struggle, two teams have clawed their way to the glorious Week 16: CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK. Or as we call it here at the HBFFL blog: The Humor Bowl. And by we, we mean just Renal Failure (or as The Situation would call the People's Champ: R. Failure) because no one else has called it that before.

Renal Failure vs. Predator Press. Both teams went 8-6, both teams started 2-4, both pulled off key trades mid-season to fuel their playoff runs (R. Failure getting Peyton Hillis from Chris, LOBO getting Michael Vick from Unfinished Rambler), and both had five-game winning streaks in the second half of the season to clinch playoff berths (though R. Failure had 89 more points to grab the 3-seed). Yes, these two have much in common, so we needed to find the smartest person in the world to break down which team will take home the championship in the HBFFL.

That is the smartest thing we have ever seen...

Quarterback: Michael Vick vs. Tom Brady. The battle for NFL MVP ends here. Yahoo! stats have both with the same amount of points for the season, tying for fourth in the league, even though Vick played in fewer games because of injury. Tom Brady may have invented throwing bears into outer space, but Vick has thrown more bears into deep space than anyone this season, and his matchup vs. Minnesota is more of an Orbital Bear Warning than Brady's matchup vs. Buffalo. Still, never count out Tom Brady. Advantage: Predator Press.

Running Back: Chris Johnson vs. Maurice Jones-Drew. MJD is fighting off injuries and hasn't practiced all week, leaving his active status in doubt until Sunday. If MJD can't go, he'll have to go with Tampa Bay's Lagarrette Blount, who has put up a decent 54 points in the last four weeks. LOBO could pick up MJD backup Rashad Jennings... if Renal Failure didn't snag him off the waiver wire in a bit of defensive free agency strategy. Speaking of Renal Failure, the People's Champ will be starting Chris Johnson - third in RB scoring in the HBFFL - who has a nice matchup vs. Kansas City this week, has put up consecutive 20+ point games, and has the competitive fire to continuously prove that he the best rusher in the NFL. Advantage: Renal Failure.

Ines Sainz has wisdom that can only be expressed through tight denim...

Wide Receivers: LOBO hit the early-season inactive WR lottery with Vincent Jackson last week, and VJax is playing the lowly Bengals in Week 16, though you're never sure who Philip Rivers will throw to from game-to-game (though it helps that Antonio Gates is out). Also LOBO is starting 2008 Renal Failure Team MVP Larry Fitzgerald, who has struggled because of the bad QB situation in Arizona. But luckily he's playing a Dallas defense that stops no one. R. Failure, however, has the Number One scoring WR in the HBFFL Brandon Lloyd, who seems to be Tim Tebow's only viable target. And Dwayne Bowe (5th in WR scoring) is coming out of a slump, has Matt Cassell throwing to him again, and has a great matchup against a weak Tennessee defense. Advantage: Push

Tight End: Vernon Davis (3rd in TE scoring) has been rather erratic, putting up a big fat zero last week. And while he's got a favorable matchup against St. Louis, the QB situation in San Francisco is murky, which favors Brian Westbrook more than VD. Jason Witten (2nd in TE scoring) is on a hot streak and looks to be Jon Kitna's favorite target, and considering how horrid Dallas's running game has been we expect Kitna to throw the rock a lot vs. Arizona. Advantage: Renal Failure

Flex Option: Peyton Hillis finished as the 2nd-highest scoring RB in the league, but is facing the always-tough Baltimore Ravens Defense this week (though he ran right threw them in Week 3) and has been in a bit of a late-season slump, as if carrying the entire Cleveland Browns on his shoulders is starting to wear on him. Stephen Jackson (13th in RB scoring) has been a consistent performer but has only scored more than 20 points three times this season. The 49ers, if they're smart will look to stack SJax at the line and force Sam Bradford to beat them. Advantage: Predator Press

Some stare Ines Sainz and see only lustful splendor. Others see the secrets of the universe unfurled before them like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Except hotter...

Kicker: Matt Bryant was 3rd among kickers in scoring and has an important game against New Orleans that could clinch up 1st place for the Falcons. Adam Vinateri was 5th in kicker scoring and has an important game against Oakland to keep the Colts playoff hopes alive. It's going to come down to a question of which team's offense stalls out more often in field goal range against the opposing defense, and the defending Super Bowl Champion Saints' defense has a lot more to play for than the Raiders'. Advantage: Renal Failure

Defense/Special Teams: LOBO's rolling with Jacksonville vs. Washington, which isn't a bad idea considering the Skins are starting Rex Grossman, who is better known for having QB ratings lower than my blood alcohol level. R. Failure is sticking with Tampa Bay, who despite their decimated ranks, is still projected for 10 points against the sickly Seattle Seahawks. But that might be wishful thinking on the part of the number crunchers at Yahoo! Advantage: Predator Press.

And the advantage is: a tie. Shit... okay, so that didn't solve anything. Let's look at the official numbers then. Yahoo! is projecting a 107-103 victory for LOBO and Predator Press (though many of those points for LOBO are dependent on MJD playing on Sunday), and Yahoo! was correct last week in projecting wins for R. Failure and PredPress. It's an uphill battle for the People's Champion, but they've faced adversity before and rose to the challenge. Then again, so has LOBO because we are similar teams. Damn it. Okay... this is the moment of truth, where everything we've claimed and appropriated for ourselves over the past three years is going to have to come to pass for R. Failure to win. Circling the Wagons, employing the chaotic energy of the Wild Card (bitches!), being granted victory through the divinity of Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory Ines Sainz, invoking the power of The People... all of these things must come to pass for Renal Failure to win Humor Bowl III and prevent the only team to lose to Bex's Battling Butterflies from taking home the glory and honor of the HBFFL championship.

We've run the numbers through our special Fantasy Football Battle Simulator and have determined that LOBO is a red-skinned oiled-up Turkish guy in leather pants and Renal Failure has rocket boots, electric gloves, and a nice rack...

The trends say that the team that lost the previous year's championship game wins the next year, so R. Failure has that going for them. But it may take a lot more than trends to keep LOBO from taking what rightfully belongs to the People.

HUMOR BOWL III: It's like SuperBowl III except both teams are drunk Joe Namath.

Renal Failure is also projected to lose to LOBO 96-94 in LOBO's FTWL championship game. But remember, NO ONE CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE RENAL FAILURE!

Well, Well, WELL

Predator Press


As the cold, icy specter of doubt cast itself over our vast nation of LOBOnia, millions and millions of Predator Press readers were left to consider a world where we might not be represented in the HBFFL finals.

Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings. Enough death and carnage! I am thusly impelled to finally speak.

Who the hell is going to clean up this mess?

Artist Rendering of
Predator Press Fan Suffering
I suppose in Week 8 they had good reason to behave as such; the long-awaited mighty Ben Roethlisberger gave me 9 points, 20% of my 47-point showing, and the Unfinished Rambler doubled that with ease. At 3-5, one more loss would have jeopardized even the last tiny sliver of hope of making the semifinals.

But while grateful for his generosity, I cannot help but wonder if the Unfinished Rambler gave me Michael Vick almost as a consolation prize -that I might proceed through the inevitable demise of my season with some shred of dignity and fight. With the seemingly remote exception of Predator Press making the Finals, we would not be facing each other again this year.

Either way I thank you Rambler. Vick, coupled with an RB corps that was finally starting to “gel,” finally started to turn things around; at this point I was in a 3-way tie for 7th place (an optimistic euphemism for a 3-way tie for 9th place) and our esteemed Renal Failure had the exact same record and situation. But RF -almost universally loathed save for by me- could not rely on the goodwill and sportsmanship of others, nor my radiant brainiosity: to demonstrate, I invite all who want Renal Failure to win the HBFFL 2010 Humor Bowl to raise their hand.

See? Now RF, please lower your hand before you burn yourself on that swinging light bulb.

Bereft of family, friends and fans (alienated mostly by his incessant irrational trade offers, and on a dialysis machine covered in ‘My Other Machine is a Baxter 550‘ bumper stickers), RF was required to develop his own tactical edge: one that required a pentagram drawn in the fluids of his last remaining kidney, and the live sacrifice of numerous animals indigenous to his domicile such as bats and mice. And under the steady drip of semi-permeable membranes of dialysate and bad plumbing that hadn’t been inspected since the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, RF climbed one unfortunate marcupial at a time right into Satan's good graces.

But unlike our beloved yet misguided RF, I shall not be showing my sticky pegan 8” X 10” glossy photo of Ines Sainz on this post. I, conversely, will be showing our one and only savior Jesus Christ, who one might expect wants to bathe Miss Sainz and RF both in Holy and Righteous Christian Fire while I stand by delighting in their agonized suffering. In fact, I may give Jesus a few ideas of my own:

Jesus: I understand that I am supposed to punish sinners. But I am all about ’Forgiveness.’ I don’t see how freezing Renal Failure in liquid nitrogen and slowly chipping off little pieces while dancing barefoot in his bloody sludge will help save his Soul.

LOBO: As a child, he talked trash about your mom constantly.

Jesus: Mary?

LOBO: Yeah. He wrote a poem about how she was ‘involved’ with sheep, and I suspect it was imbedded with instructions for his connections with the cocaine cartels.

Jesus: ‘Fleece was white as snow?’

LOBO: Exactly. His whole fantasy team sang it as kids too -like an evil Jedi mantra.  I recommend glazing RF in a nice hydrochloric bisque first.

Jesus: Can we listen to Huey Lewis and the News while we do it?

LOBO: How many millions of years are we talking about here? I’ve got an appointment with Unfinished Rambler-

Jesus: How about seven?

LOBO: Ten.

Jesus: Meehhhhhh ...

LOBO: It's Christmas.  You realize your Driver's License expires tomorrow, right?  What with the holiday, we won't even be out of the DMV by then.

Jesus: Fine.  Ten million years it is.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Punching the People's Ticket to the Championship Game

by Renal Failure

Play this video twice to get the full brutality of Unfinished Rambler's weekend in Fantasy Football...

Your People's Champion is heading back to the HBFFL Championship by way of a 104-81 victory over The Ramblers. And doubly upsetting for the Ramblers is that they also lost against us in LOBO's FTWL league as well, leaving not even a quantum of solace for the Unfinished One and his impressive fantasy season (10-4, with a league-leading 1407 points, 7 more than Renal Failure) after missing last year's playoffs. But Rambler thought he could harness the power of Ines Sainz but cutting it with a little Jenn Sterger, and Our Lady of Victory smote him with great vengeance and furious anger... and tight pants.

Rambler's end can be traced to his team catching the injury bug late in the season, losing Frank Gore for the year in Week 12 and Aaron Rodgers for at least Week 15. Other teams had been bitten by injuries earlier in the season (like Renal Failure) and had made the proper adjustments to their lineup come playoff time. Rambler, whose lack of depth had already been exploited by Renal Failure earlier this year during RF's season-saving five-game win streak, was left to depend on Jon Kitna for his playoff life, as well as Deion Branch, Rob Gronkowski, and BenJarvus Green-Ellis in an attempt to mitigate Tom Brady's potential bear-tossing damage.

Now, the Kitna plan would have worked out just peachy keen for Rambler (33pts) except for the fact that Kitna was throwing a lot to Renal Failure's Jason Witten (25pts), thus negating all of Kitna's hard work (which we totally foresaw in last week's preview) . Also, Rambler's multiple Patriot gamble backfired because he didn't play the one Patriot that Tom Brady threw his scores to against Green Bay, Aaron Hernandez (16pts on the Rambler bench, compared to the 2pts Gronkowski got from Brady; we suspect Rambler was scared off from starting Hernandez because he was coming off an injury). Also Brady had a mediocre 20-point day vs. the Packers, translating into worse days for Branch and Green-Ellis (though Ramblers choice of New England for his defense was really good, 15pts). And with Rodgers out, Rambler put his boundless faith into Arian Foster, who hadn't had a bad week all season... until now. Five points for the Number One Running Back in Fantasy Football. Yeah, Rambler's season was pretty much over once the final gun sounded on that Tennessee/Houston game with Foster laying an egg at the worst possible time. Underperformance by your stud players is a pain Renal Failure knows all too well... and would like other teams to share...

Revenge is a dish best served busty and scantily clad...

Chris Johnson was back on his game for The People with a 24-point day against the Texans. Even with Tim Tebow under center, Brandon Lloyd got 13 points (and pretty much accounted for all of Tebow's passing yards too). But the People were disappointed with Peyton Hillis's weak 7-point game, as well as with Dwayne Bowe's 5-point blah game with Matt Cassel returning as Chiefs QB. Weaker than that was the Tampa Bay defense getting a big fat zero against Detroit. But at least Matt Bryant kicked himself a 1o-spot vs. Seattle.

So who will be Renal Failure's opponent this year in Humor Bowl III? It's LOBO and Predator Press, pulling off the 4th seed upset over the first place 12-2 regular season champ Bourbon Blasters 134-69. Michael Vick threw a 54-point bear through the wormhole and into Peacekeeper territory, along with Vincent Jackson's 33-point mauling of San Francisco. Joe lost Knowshon Moreno early in the Broncos game, though it would have made little difference if he had played the whole day considering the margin of victory LOBO racked up on the Blasters.

Funny thing is, Joe beat LOBO last week, which actually gave LOBO the 4-seed and the playoff rematch. But Joe's not wishing he would have tanked that last game, for then Renal Failure would have been the 4-seed and still would have beaten the Blasters. So Joe, you were damned if you did, damned if you didn't, and now you're playing for 3rd place against the Ramblers.

The only HBFFL team to have a worse two week span than Joe is Bryan and his Bald Spots team. Not only did their loss to absentee Team Krapsody knock them out of the playoffs in Week 14, but in Week 15 as the 5-seed in the consolation playoffs they got beat by 8-seed What the Canuck? after Adrian Petersen was deactivated for the Monday Night Vikings/Bears game. Such a rough way to end a good season for the Bald Spots.... going 7-2 and then losing the last four of five to miss the playoffs... then falling victim to the 8th-seed Canuck. At least if he lost to an American he could salvage some bit of pride. That should make him hungry for next year for sure.

Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy would like to point out that La Machine beat Team Krapsody to move on to see who finishes fifth. They would also like to point out that, for the good of keeping his intestines on the inside, LOBO should seriously consider starting Ben Roethlisberger instead of Michael Vick.

Anyway, back to Predator Press... LOBO has been found guilty in the People's Court of trying dick-ride our Ines Sainz devotion to fantasy football success, and next week Renal Failure has the chance to carry out the sentence on him in not just the HBFFL but his own FTWL as well, considering he won his playoff game there too. Can the People's Champion become an actual champion? Can Renal Failure be a multiple league champion? Or will the HBFFL be cursed to suffer the reign of a manager who averaged over four roster changes a week in 2010? Plus, keep in mind this is a revenge game as LOBO squeaked out a win against your People's Champion in Week 7. And you know how much Renal Failure loves revenge games because NO ONE CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE THE WILD CARD, BITCHES!

And we look good in black leather too...

Our preview of HUMOR BOWL III and the grand finale of the 2010 HBFFL season will be later this week. Until then, keep waving those Renal Failure towels high in the air.

Renal Failure is in the championship game in three out of the four leagues they are in, and is a firm believer that Farscape is the far superior science-fiction show than the overrated crap known as Firefly.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Week 15 Playoff Smackdown: Renal Failure vs. The Ramblers

by Renal Failure

Ines Sainz has done more for denim than Levi Strauss...

We're going to try to make this short because we've been busy as of late, trying to squeeze in some Christmas shopping in between devotional services to Our Lady of Victory. Renal Failure is projected to win 110-91 vs. The Ramblers. Let's break this down into its component parts.

Much of Renal Failure projected score comes from Chris Johnson's 25 projected points vs. Houston (reasonable considering Houston's weak defense), Peyton Hillis's 17 projected points vs. Cincinnati (sort of reasonable considering the Bengals suck), Tom Brady's 23 projected points vs. the Packers (highly reasonable because it's Tom "Bear NASA" Brady), and a surprising 12 projected points for the Tampa Bay Defense vs. Detroit (maybe not that reasonable because of all the injuries the Bucs have had lately).

Rambler's got some issues. Sure, he's still got the Number One RB in the league in Arian Foster, but he's going to be without his big-time QB Aaron Rodgers this week because of a concussion, placing his playoff victory hopes on Dallas' Jon Kitna. Amongst other problems with depending on Jon Kitna is that Renal Failure is starting Jason Witten at TE, a popular target of Kitna last week. Rambler looks to counter that by starting as many Patriots as he can, such as Deion Branch, Rob Gronkowski, and BenJarvus Green-Ellis. And while we see some value in that plan, it's not fool-proof because Tom Brady spreads the wealth. If Wes Welker, Aaron Hernandez, and/or Danny Woodhead have a big game, it's going to kill Rambler's chances of winning against his nemesis.

No sugar for us, Rambler. We're sweet enough...

What will win or lose this game for your People's Champion is whether Brandon Lloyd and Dwayne Bowe can turn things around after playing wretchedly the past two weeks. Lloyd's going to have Tim Tebow throwing the ball this week vs. the Raiders and Matt Cassel might return for the Chiefs to take on the Rams. Both of these things do not instill a lot of confidence with The People, but unfortunately other options at WR aren't very good this week. Hines Ward and Chad Ochocinco have tough match-ups against the Jets and Browns, and Minnesota is down to their third-string quarterback so Sidney Rice isn't likely to do much.

We're expecting to see Renal Failure in the championship game again, much to Rambler's dismay. But being eliminated from championship contention will allow the Unfinished One to pursue other things in his quest for completion. And since we're the ones who will alleviate him of his Fantasy Football burden, we'll give him a suggestion...

Renal Failure will probably lose to Rambler in the FTWL league that LOBO runs, but that league doesn't have its own blog on which to talk enormous amounts of smack so we don't feel as bad if we get beat over there.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Wild Card is in as the Wild Card, bitches!

by Renal Failure

Our Lady of Victory Ines Sainz is so powerful that she went into a nightclub restroom with Ben Roethlisberger and he was the one who came out crying, and missing his jersey too...

The People rejoice and sing the glory of Ines Sainz and her tight jeans, for they have brought forth a Fantasy Football miracle to the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. After going 2-5 to start the season, Renal Failure rattled off an impressive and inconceivable six wins in seven games to leapfrog from 9th place all the way to 3rd, claiming a spot in the HBFFL playoffs.

(Note: Yes, Joe did win 7 straight to end the season at 12-2, tying our record last season for most wins in a regular season, but he didn't win those games with even a fraction of the zazz that we did.)

Speaking of Joe, we done heard that Joe had considered benching all his starters so that LOBO would win and we wouldn't make the playoffs, but Ines Sainz appeared to him in a dream, with angels wings and tight-ass pants, and told him "Do not be that guy," and preached to him the Gospel of Herm Edwards: "You play to win the game." See, we played to win last season on Week 14 when Joe needed us to beat Canuck to get a playoff spot. Well, we didn't win, but the effort was there and we're sure Joe appreciated us trying our best and not being douchebags. Anyway, Joe's Bourbon Blasters beat LOBO's Predator Press 124-119 in a close game.

But even if Joe had gone Full Metal Douchebag and tanked the last game, it still wouldn't have mattered because Team Krapsody pulled off arguably the biggest upset in HBFFL history, beating the Bald Spots 73-58 without starting an active running back or tight end (if only Static was around to witness it). Bryan's team shit the bed at the most inopportune time, and tragically, even with the great season Bryan had this year, it cost him a playoff spot because Bald Spots lost the tiebreaker to LOBO and Renal Failure. Yes, that means that despite being the only team to lose to Bex's Battling Butterflies, Predator Press snuck into the playoffs as the four-seed (even with a fucking ridiculous 67 roster moves in 2010, 28 more than he had in 2009).

And La Machine's long shot to sneak into the playoffs fell short as they lost to the Ramblers, not that Chris would have gotten in if he had won anyway because he would have lost the tiebreaker to LOBO and your People's Champion. Still, Chris had hope (and Matt Schaub's 44 points sitting on the bench because he was riding the Eli Manning train, whom he acquired from Renal Failure, all the way to 6th place), and hope is all any Fantasy Football owner really has.

Well, enough of that... let's get to what you came here to read about: Finally... Renal Failure has come back to the playoffs! And we're squaring off against our old friend The Ramblers, who we beat in Week 9 during our epic season-changing run. The Unfinished One wants revenge for this year's loss and last year's as well, but how well can his quest for vengeance go without Frank Gore and with Aaron Rodgers fighting off yet another a concussion? Vengeance is what he wants, but disappointment may be all he'll get in Week 15.

We play to win the game so we can talk some more entertaining smack, because Fantasy Football without Renal Failure just isn't as interesting...

We'll touch briefly on our 111-65 victory over Canucklehead. Chris Johnson got back to his bear-throwing ways with 28 points vs. Indianapolis, Peyton Hillis got his mojo working again with 16 points vs. Buffalo (no TD's though), and even Jason Witten decided to get in on the action with 2 TD's and 69 yards receiving for a big old 18-point day vs. Philly. But the big story on the Renal Roster is once again Tom Brady proving that he can throw bears in any climate, putting up a big 35-point day vs. Chicago in a blizzard. Forget Michael Vick's season, Tom Brady is your MVP for dominating in all climates, hot and cold. Tom Brady could go to Venus and rack up 300+ yards in the air with three TD's on that planet of swirling methane.

But glorious victory does not mitigate our extreme disappointment in what used to be the most feared receiving duo in the league. Brandon Lloyd had another disappointing day, only getting 3 points vs. Arizona, and Dwayne Bowe once again scored nothing. Meanwhile on our bench, Hines Ward is making himself relevant again with a 16-point day vs. Cincy. Chad Ochocinco had a nice 7-point day there too. Even Sidney Rice, with Brett Favre gone, put up double than Lloyd and Bowe combined. Fellas, this is not the time for shit to go wrong. We might as well have not made the playoffs if this is how our feared weapons are going play. Rambler will blow us out of the water if we don't have our shit down tight.

We lost our sledgehammer too... it was called Dwayne Bowe scoring touchdowns habitually....

Anyway, back to Week 14, Canucklehead just didn't have enough weapons in his socialist Canadian cupboard this week. Sure, Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne had nice days (32 and 15 points a piece), but that was it for What the Canuck? as Thomas Jones did marginally better than Brandon Lloyd with 4 points, as did WR Stevie Johnson. The only thing Canuck could have done to have had a better day was swap out Percy Harvin, who didn't play on Monday because of migranes, and put in Tim Hightower, whose 31 points would have made the score very uncomfortably close for Renal Failure to bear, especially if he had started Lance Moore instead of Stevie Johnson because Moore's 13 points added to Hightower's 31 would have given Canuck the victory, thus ending Renal Failure's playoff hopes.

And so we bid the 2010 regular season "adios," as they say in Ines Sainz's mother tongue, and welcome the 2010 Playoffs. The People will continue to give offerings to Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory so that the prophecy of a Renal Failure champion will come to pass. Never mind that we just declared the prophecy now, all that matter with prophecies is that they are declared before the event happens.

The power of Walken compels you...

We see that Rambler is trying to get on the Ines Sainz bandwagon. We'll have our Opening Round Playoff Game review regarding how she will smite him for his audacity later in the week. Until then, stay thirsty my friends.

Renal Failure went 8-6 in this league, 8-6 in LOBO's league, 9-3 in a short-handed 7-team league, and 6-7 in a 14-team league in 2010. Three of those teams made the playoffs, and it's pretty obvious which one didn't.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Tuesday Afternoon QB: Where I exact my revenge on La Machine and get ready to do the same on Renal Failure next week

As promised a little while ago, I would exact my revenge on Chris Cameron and his La Machine team and so I have as this past weekend, I defeated them 93-86. Admittedly, it wasn't as good as the 138-63 thrashing he put on me back in Week 5. But a win is still a win...and while I'll be playing in the first round of the playoffs next week, Chris will be watching from the sidelines.

Admittedly, though, the view from the sidelines anymore isn't that bad when you have female reporters like this:

or this:


Chris and I both had five players in double figures, but the difference was this guy:

Nope, not as pretty as the view from the sidelines, but still a thing of beauty to behold when he's on his game as he was this past Sunday.

Branch amassed 26 fantasy points as he had eight receptions for a career-high 151 yards, including a 59-yard strike at the end of the first half in a 36-7 dismantling of the Bears.

Chris had no players who hit the 20-point mark, although LeSean "Shady" McCoy came close with 19 points as he had 149 yards on 16 carries, but no touchdowns thankfully.


In the first round of the playoffs, in both this league and another league, the FTWL started by LOBO of Predator Press, I face the same opponent: Renal Failure. Like Chris, RF already has beaten me once in week 9 but by a much closer margin of 132-112. So once again, I will be out to exact my revenge.

Vengeance will be sweet like this:

Next week the back of the shirt will read "Unfinished Fucking Ramblers"!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Week 14: The Fate of Renal Failure's Season vs. What the Canuck?

by Renal Failure

Cocaine is a hell of a drug...

We are pumped for Week 14. We are incoherently pumped for this. This is why you play Fantasy Football, for these sorts of arbitrary situations that you have no control over.

A loss eliminates Your People's Champion Renal Failure from playoff contention. A win keeps them alive momentarily, depending on the outcomes of the Bald Spots/Team Krapsody and Predator Press/Bourbon Blasters games. A loss by either one of those teams and your People's Champion is playoff bound as a Wild Card, bitches. We'll have pulled off a dramatic 2nd half-of-the-season comeback, winning 6 out of our last 7 games to salvage a 2-5 start.

But if we lose... well, it's likely that we'll take it poorly. A season full of promise, starting with having the Overall Number One pick, ruined by injuries and misfortune. Our machinations and dealings to make a floundering franchise viable and strong again... rendered futile. And worse of all, we won't be able to keep up the HBFFL trend of the team that lost the previous year's championship winning it the next year. We have an obligation to uphold that tradition, even though it's only happened once before.

The Canadian Destroyer... that's what we hope to be this week...

Yahoo! has Renal Failure projected to win 110-71, and a lot of those points are based on a 20-point projection for Bear NASA founder Tom Brady vs. the Bears (we'll be disappointed if he doesn't put up at least 30), a 22-point projection for Chris Johnson vs. the Colts (seems high considering his putrid performance the last two weeks, but Indy sucks against the run and Chris Johnson fucking owes us big time), and a big 23-point projection for Peyton Hillis vs. the Buffalo Bills (now that seems ridiculously high, even vs. the Bills who can lock it down sometimes). Still, the 10 points that Brandon Lloyd is projected for vs. Arizona is reasonable, as is the 10-spot the Tampa Bay defense is projected to get vs. Washington. We even like Dwayne Bowe's 8 projected points vs. San Diego and believe he'll have a good chance of exceeding it.

But the low-ball 71 score seems rather reasonable for Canuck. Peyton Manning has not been very Peyton-ish lately, and that means Reggie Wayne's numbers will suffer. Jamaal Charles is splitting carries with Thomas Jones, and Percy Harvin won't be targeted as much now that Sidney Rice is back for the Vikings. Without a big day from the Manning known as Peyton, it doesn't look good for Canuck, and that looks damn good for The People's Champion.

Ines Sainz... no one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we lost in Fantasy Football. All that matters is that Renal Failure stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Ines Sainz... so grant me one request. Grant me the playoffs! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!

We'll know after Monday night (because Canuck has Todd Heap and you never know when a tight end will throw a bear into orbit) whether your People's Champion is heading back to the playoffs or whether we've just missed the playoffs like we did in '08. Until then, keep fucking that chicken.

Renal Failure has Peyton Manning in another league, but we've already clinched a playoff spot there so it's perfectly fine if he shits the bed this week .

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

EXCLUSIVE! Superbowl Halftime Rehearsals Wiki-Leaked!

Predator Press


Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Tom Brady throws touchdowns, bangs a supermodel, but can't do everything

by Renal Failure

Sunday Afternoon in the Renal Failure Doom Bunker...

Well... this was rather unexpected. Your People's Champion went from putting up the highest point total this season in the HBFFL to every starter not named Tom Brady deciding not to perform in a pivotal Week 13 game containing playoff implications and the chance to get triple-vengeance on Chris. Well, at least Tom Brady threw up a 45-point bear into orbit to keep the score respectable. Still, a 87-79 loss, whether to Chris or not, still burns the People's brisket.

Chris Johnson struggled for the second consecutive week, only putting up 5 points on a weak Jaguars defense. Peyton Hillis had his worse performance of the year vs. Miami with 7 points. Dwayne Bowe went from throwing bears into outer space to not getting a single point vs. the Broncos. Even Brandon Lloyd was a ghost against the Chiefs with 3 points. Jason Witten was the only starter not named Tom Brady to break double-digits (10pts).

But it's not like our bench did any better. The only player on the Renal Bench to do anything this week was Sidney Rice's 27-point day, and that's only because Brett Favre got knocked out of the game and Tavaris Jackson came in and slung the ball to Rice the rest of the game instead of chucking interceptions like Brett Favre usually does. How could we have forseen that? And after the weeks that Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd have been having, would you have benched them in favor of Rice or Mike Williams (11pts)or Chad Ochocinco (9pts)? The People doubt it.

Feels like Week Four all over again...

What is it about playing Chris that makes all of our players decide to stop all that scoring they had been doing before (even Fred Jackson who had been lighting it up the past two weeks had a sucky day)? Because our last three games against La Machine have been horrid bed-shitting affairs for your People's Champion. No shootouts, no bear-launching competitions, just most of the Renal Roster laying down and fucking dying on us at the most inopportune time. We were second in the league in scoring coming into this game and we were first in the league in scoring going into last year's championship game, and on both occasions we put up a pittance of points vs. La Machine.

But this time around it wasn't like Chris had an awesome day. Other than LeSean McCoy and Cedric Benson, his team put up blah numbers that most teams would have stomped on (well, at least the ones with actual owners and not dead-beat dads). Former Renal Failure members Eli Manning and Marcedes Lewis only got 8 and 3 points respectively for La Machine, which might have Chris questioning AGAIN why he makes trades with us. Terrell Owens had a respectable 10-point day, and Roddy White had a serviceable 7 vs. the Bucs. Again, nothing special on the La Machine side; they just happened to suck less this week, but that's how you weather those lean times in fantasy football. Ines knows we've done it plenty of times before.

Ines Sainz... why have you forsaken us in our time of need? We still believe...

So now Renal Failure is 7-6 and no longer in control of their playoff destiny. The 11-2 Bourbon Blasters have clinched the top seed with The Ramblers' loss to the Bald Spots (8-5), but Rambler (9-4) clinches a playoff spot anyway. Predator Press eliminated What the Canuck? (6-7) from contention to move up to 8-5 and La Machine stays alive for another week at 7-6. Your People's Champion needs to win their Week 14 game vs. Canuck and then hope for either a Bald Spots or Predator Press loss to force a tie at 8-6 for the last one or two remaining playoff spots. Then it would go to the tie-breaker regarding Points For, which the People feel good about winning because Renal Failure is 89 points ahead of PredPress and 45 points up on Bald Spots. A bit of a problem with that plan is that Bald Spots are playing absentee Team Krapsody in Week 14, so it looks like we're going to be in the awkward position of rooting for Joe and his Bourbon Blasters to help keep our season alive by beating LOBO senseless, even though it means Joe would tie Renal Failure's regular season record for most wins in a season. But we will trade vanity for a playoff spot, especially if it means we play Joe in the first round. He may have the third-most points in the league, but he's only breached the 100-point mark four times this season. Other than that he's consistently hovered around the 80-90 point range all season. The People believe he's vulnerable.

La Machine could still make it in Chris beats The Ramblers. Chris also needs Renal Failure to lose because Chris has a 98-point deficit to make up if both teams finish 8-6. Chris also needs PredPress and Bald Spots to lose so he can tie them, but he has a better chance of overcoming the 9-point deficit he has with LOBO, though not so much the 53-point deficit to Bald Spots, but you never know when a team will either completely shit the bed or catapult all of the Gummi Bears into the farthest reaches of our galaxy.

Dashing and daring... courageous and caring... but can they breathe in the void of space?

Of course, if Renal Failure chokes in Week 14 or both LOBO and Bryan win the People's tie-breaker advantage and our miraculous run to get back into playoff contention ends up being for naught, but the Wild Card (bitches!) of the HBFFL are confident they can score a Wild Card spot by preventing a repeat of last year's regular season finale where we lost to Canuck. Why? Because this time around Canuck isn't playing for his playoff life. We are. And a desperate Renal Failure team could very well be the most dangerous thing in the HBFFL.

What's it like to not make the playoffs? IT HURTS!

We'll have our review of the Renal Failure/What the Canuck? matchup later in the week. Until then, have fun looking at the side of your milk cartons and seeing my team. If you happen to run into any of them this week, tell them to please show up for Week 14. We'd like to stay competitive up till the bitter end.

Renal Failure is probably not going to make the playoffs in three out of the four leagues he's in. It's been that kind of season for the People's Champ.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Tuesday Afternoon QB: Bill Fucking Belichick

Earlier this year, I called out Houston Texans head coach Gary Kubiak when he benched Arian Foster for the first half of a game, depriving me of points I could have had and making my life a living hell. Now I have to call out Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, once again for depriving me of points I could have had...well, in a way, at least the way I see it...and making my life a living hell once again.

Bill Belichick

Yeah, Bill Fucking Belichick.

Because I never know whom he's going to use from week to week on offense, I benched three of his players, wide receiver Deion Branch, running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis (aka "The Law Firm") and tight end Aaron Hernandez in favor of Rams wide receiver Danario Alexander, Chiefs running back Thomas Jones and Jets tight end Dustin Keller. Collectively, Belichick's three players outscored my team by three times as many points, 42-14. If I had played Belichick's trio, I would have won 122-115 over Bald Spots. As it was, I lost 115-101.

As usual, though, I would like to thank Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers (35 points) and Houston running back Arian Foster (22) for showing up to make the score look a little more respectable than it could have been. Thank you, gentlemen, I appreciate your support. Keep up the good work.

Surprisingly, even with the loss, no thanks to Bill Fucking Belichick, I did clinch a playoff spot this week and while next week's game against HBFFL founder Chris Cameron doesn't mean anything, that still doesn't mean I still don't want to kick his ass. After all, dude did write about a big play a couple of weeks ago that my team made when I should have been the one to write about it. As I said then, I will exact my revenge...


Friday, December 3, 2010

Week 13 Partial Preview: Renal Failure vs. La Machine - Crap Just Got Real

by Renal Failure

Chris never met our Uncle Willie...

Week 13 brings Renal Failure not only a third shot at revenge at Chris for 1) ruining our perfect season in 2009, 2) beating us in the 2009 HBFFL Championship Game, and 3) beating us in Week 4, but it also gives your People's Champion the opportunity to kill La Machine's playoff hopes in 2010 and that we believe will wound Chris the most. It's as if we've played a long game of revenge (though not as long as the revenge game in the movie Oldboy), allowing Chris climb so high that it makes the fall we've inevitably planned for him even more injurious.

Renal Failure, once thought dead and buried at 2-5, has rattled off five big wins to not only get to 7-5 but to position themselves in a dominant position should a playoff spot go down to the Points For tiebreaker. Over those five victorious weeks, Renal Failure has scored 90, 132, 124, 123, and 166 points to rocket up the second-most amount of Points For in the league (only 3 behind the now Frank Gore-less Ramblers). And it's someone different on the Renal roster throwing a bear into orbit each week. Sometimes it's Tom Brady, other times it's Peyton Hillis, or Chris Johnson, or Brandon Lloyd, or Dwayne Bowe, or even worse a combination of this unholy fivesome.

Dwayne Bowe isn't jumping... he just levitates around the field until it's time to place his feet in the end zone.

Now the People are going to have to work from behind this week because Chris made the smart move of starting LeSean McCoy at running back. Shady McCoy put up a big 24 points vs. Texans. All right, Chris. Well played. You're going to make the People's Champ work for this win, eh? We can do that. We neutralized Arian Foster's 36-point day back in Week 9 with Peyton Hillis' 38-point day, who says Hillis can't do it again?

Chris is also starting Eli Manning and Marcedes Lewis, who he got off us in that trade for Peyton Hillis and Brandon Pettigrew. Could this be the trade revenge game, like the ones we regularly have against Mr. Unfinished Rambler? Or is this game where Chris regrets giving us Peyton Hillis (we're not starting Pettigrew this week) and everyone else in the HBFFL gives Chris the stink-eye and says with a sneer "Thanks Chris for being responsible for saving Renal Failure's season, jackass. Now we have to deal with that asshole talking shit about being in the playoffs."

Do not defy the will of Ines Sainz, Chris. She will smite you with impotence...

Yahoo! has Renal Failure winning 102-87, but that doesn't mean much with Shady McCoy exceeding his projected score by 11 and Renal Failure exceeding their projected score for the past five weeks. If La Machine wins, they keep their season alive for another week. If Renal Failure wins, they don't clinch a playoff spot just yet but they put themselves in the driver's seat for one and continue to control their own destiny, which is just how they like it. Besides, we don't need to be reminded what losing feels like; we did enough of that earlier in the season.

When was the last time Renal Failure lost a game? The answer is above, but you may have to watch the video a few times to pick it up.

Renal Failure sees no reason why there has to be Thursday night games. Really, outside of Thanksgiving they serve no purpose.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Justice League Fantasy Football League

“I call this emergency meeting of the Justice League Kicks Ass fantasy football league to order.” Green Lantern banged the gavel down twice then stood up.

“What’s this about boss?” Green Arrow munched on an apple. “I got a big date tonight with Hawkgirl later so if we could hurry-“

“Hawkgirl?” Martian Manhunter asked. “But isn’t she-“

“Was. Was married to Hawkman. She came home early from an out-of-town convention last week and found him in bed with Black Canary.”


“Woah indeed.” Green Arrow sat back.

“Hey can we get back to business here?” Green Lantern asked. “The integrity of our league is at stake and going into the playoffs we need to make sure there is no cheating.”

There were rumblings around the room.

“I’m making some rule changes and the first one is a ban on reversing the rotation of the Earth in order to field an optimal starting lineup.”

“Oh come on man, I’m paralyzed from the neck down.” Superman retorted a half hour later through his straw voice tube. “It takes me a week to submit a lineup. I need an edge.”

“Well then why don’t you reverse the rotation so far back you avoid the accident which left you paralyzed?”

The room became eerily silent.

“Oh snap.” Atom snickered under his breath causing everyone to look at him. “What, too soon?”

Green Lantern continued. “And there will be no use of a magic lasso to try and get information from coaches, right Wonder Woman?”

“Yes.” She replied reluctantly.

“I’d also like to add a no-interference rule on the field of play. No tripping players who would tackle your running backs Flash.”

“Aww man.” Flash sighed. “We might as well call this the No Fun League.”

“And Aquaman…” Green Lantern said. ”stop picking up Dolphin players on waivers. You won’t win and they don’t respond to your telepathy thing, whatever it is.”

“What the hell does that have to do with cheating?” Aquaman asked.

“Nothing.” Green Lantern grinned. “Don’t we always end meetings by making fun of you?”

The hall filled with laughter of heroes as disaster was avoided. Their league would live to fight on the fantasy gridiron another day but how soon before their adversaries returned?

And did you hear Hawkman cheated on Hawkgirl? Yeah what's up with that?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Bearocalypse has come! This is not a drill!

by Renal Failure

Renal Failure threw a bear so hard into space, it blew up the sun and most of the galaxy...

Casual readers of the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League blog may have the idea that the natural rival for Renal Failure (aka The People's Champion, The Wild Card, and the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler) would be teams like La Machine (who beat Renal Failure in last year's championship game) or The Ramblers (for Rambler's penchant for smack-talking and the Dallas Clark game of '08) or Predator Press (because of LOBO's hijacking of Ines Sainz). But let us add another name to the list of potential natural enemies, Bryan and his Bald Spots. Why? Because each time Bald Spots and Renal Failure play, it's a fucking bloodbath.

Since coming into the HBFFL in 2009, the Bald Spots have played Renal Failure (one of only five remaining original members of the HBFFL) three times. The first time was the infamous Tom Brady 60-point game that brought forth the term "throwing a bear into outer space." Bald Spots had Tom Brady but Renal Failure survived to pull out the 123-100 victory. Jump to 2010, in Week Three the Bald Spots have four players on their roster throwing bears into space to blow out Renal Failure 156-86, the 70-point margin of victory being at the time the largest by any team in 2010 to that date.

But then came Week Twelve... the long-awaited rematch between the Bald Spots and Renal Failure. With revenge on their minds, the People watch Tom Brady throw a 46-point bear past Babylon 5 on Thanksgiving and were mightily impressed, if not sleepy and little drunk from all the turkey and rum that afternoon. But little did the People know that they had luxury box seats for an event that would exceed a mere Orbital Bear Warning or Bear-Force One. This was what we'll call Bearmageddon. Sunday rolls around and Peyton Hillis slams a 42-point bear into the Battlestar Galactica. The crew mistakes the bear as a furry cylon and attempt to kill it, failing miserably. Again the People are pleased, but their Champion puts on the Billy Mays beard, snorts a line of coke, and says "Wait, there's more!" Dwayne Bowe steps up in the 4 o'clock game vs. the Seahawks and launches a massive 40-point bear into the fucking Gamma Quadrant. The motherfucking Jem'Hadar are looking at each other and saying "Was that a goddamn bear that flew past us?" This Brady/Hillis/Bowe tri-lateral commission of throwing bears at science fiction TV shows combined for 128 points by themselves. When Sunday came to a merciful end, the final score was 166-76 in favor of your People's Champion.

In other words, Bryan of the Bald Spots...

You also get to star in the next three Rush Hour movies with Jackie Chan...

And even scarier? It could have been a whole lot worse. Chris Johnson who usually throws up big number days for the People had a big fat zero against Houston. Meanwhile on the People's Bench Fred Jackson once again had a monster day, putting up 26 big points against a usually-impenetrable Pittsburgh defense. Even Green Bay running back Brandon Jackson had three points, and if we had played either of them instead of Johnson we would have beaten the all-time record for points in a game of 168, as scored by Joe masquerading as his wife Leigh back in 2008 in a game against The Ramblers. But still 166 is the highest amount scored by a team in 2010, though the 90-point margin of victory is only the second-highest this season as LOBO beat the Eunchs last week by 108. But we think that shouldn't count because absentee owner Don is barely fielding a lineup anymore.

Oh, and Brandon Lloyd continues to dominate at the WR position with a great 17-point day that was overshadowed by all the bears going off into space around him. Matt Bryant had a respectable 8 points while the Cleveland Defense should have done better than the meager 5 they got against a weak Carolina team.

With their awesome performances this week, and the bad weeks for Roddy White and Terrell Owens, Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd are now first and second in scoring among wide receivers in the HBFFL, officially making them most dangerous WR combo in the league. Tom Brady moves up to seventh in QB scoring, even after a few mediocre weeks, and Peyton Hillis jumps from fourth to second among RBs. But even though Chris Johnson's zero points knocked him down to fourth in RB scoring, Renal Failure now has the highest scoring active RB duo in the HBFFL now that the Ramblers' Frank Gore is done for the season.

Bald Spots didn't have such a good day with their roster. Philip Rivers only had 9 points because the Chargers defense and Mike Tolbert did most of the scoring against the Colts, whose struggles resulted in Pierre Garcon earning a meager 7 points which were five more than Anquan Boldin managed. Adrian Petersen's sprained ankle only allowed him to earn 12 points and TE Tony Moeki's short-yardage TD reception accounted for his only points of the day. If not for David Akers' 14 points and the Oakland Defense's 11, things would have gone much worse for Bryan and his Bald Spots. Much worse.

According to Yahoo! and basic math, with our optimal lineup with TE Jason Witten's 9 points replacing Brandon Pettigrew's 6-point day vs. the Patriots and Fred Jackson's inexplicable 26 points replacing Chris Johnson's bed-shitting goose egg Renal Failure would have had 195 points. That is absoludicrious, and we don't use that term lightly.

Who scored more points than this guy? EVERYBODY!

Even more absoludicrous is the fact that the Brady/Hillis/Bowe Order of the Triad outscored every other team in the HBFFL this week. Hell, we could have started Sam Bradford at QB and we'd still have had a 156 point day because Sam The Future had 38 vs. the Broncos. Hines Ward's 15 point day on the bench almost seems quaint compared to most everyone else's day on the Renal Roster. We almost want to take Mike Williams (2pts), Brandon Jackson (3pts), Sidney Rice (2pts), and Chad Ochocinco (4pts) aside and ask them why the hell they're slacking so much. At least Chris Johnson can blame his shitty day on having a quarterback named Rusty. Shit... Rusty Smith was looking more like Rusty Venture against the Texans. He sure didn't give the Texans the ol' Rusty Trombone out there this week. The Volunteer State cries out for the return of Kerry Collins.

Renal Failure's winning streak is now at five games, bringing the People's record up to 7-5 and placing them in a three-way tie for third in the league with Predator Press and the aforementioned Bald Spots. Renal Failure wins the tiebreaker because after this day of chucking bears into space we now stand as the second-highest scoring team in the league behind The Ramblers (but only by three points). Two games remain in the regular season, and Renal Failure has to go through 6-6 La Machine and 6-6 What the Canuck? to run the table and guarantee themselves a spot in the playoffs.

But the People believe in Renal Failure, because Renal Failure believes in Ines Sainz.

Victory. Sweet, sexy victory...

Renal Failure has a five game winning streak in three out of the four leagues we're in. We only have a two game winning streak over in that 14-team league of Chris's but that doesn't matter 'cause we've been out of the playoff race over there since Week Five.