Tom Brady throws touchdowns, bangs a supermodel, but can't do everything

by Renal Failure


Sunday Afternoon in the Renal Failure Doom Bunker...

Well... this was rather unexpected. Your People's Champion went from putting up the highest point total this season in the HBFFL to every starter not named Tom Brady deciding not to perform in a pivotal Week 13 game containing playoff implications and the chance to get triple-vengeance on Chris. Well, at least Tom Brady threw up a 45-point bear into orbit to keep the score respectable. Still, a 87-79 loss, whether to Chris or not, still burns the People's brisket.

Chris Johnson struggled for the second consecutive week, only putting up 5 points on a weak Jaguars defense. Peyton Hillis had his worse performance of the year vs. Miami with 7 points. Dwayne Bowe went from throwing bears into outer space to not getting a single point vs. the Broncos. Even Brandon Lloyd was a ghost against the Chiefs with 3 points. Jason Witten was the only starter not named Tom Brady to break double-digits (10pts).

But it's not like our bench did any better. The only player on the Renal Bench to do anything this week was Sidney Rice's 27-point day, and that's only because Brett Favre got knocked out of the game and Tavaris Jackson came in and slung the ball to Rice the rest of the game instead of chucking interceptions like Brett Favre usually does. How could we have forseen that? And after the weeks that Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd have been having, would you have benched them in favor of Rice or Mike Williams (11pts)or Chad Ochocinco (9pts)? The People doubt it.


Feels like Week Four all over again...

What is it about playing Chris that makes all of our players decide to stop all that scoring they had been doing before (even Fred Jackson who had been lighting it up the past two weeks had a sucky day)? Because our last three games against La Machine have been horrid bed-shitting affairs for your People's Champion. No shootouts, no bear-launching competitions, just most of the Renal Roster laying down and fucking dying on us at the most inopportune time. We were second in the league in scoring coming into this game and we were first in the league in scoring going into last year's championship game, and on both occasions we put up a pittance of points vs. La Machine.

But this time around it wasn't like Chris had an awesome day. Other than LeSean McCoy and Cedric Benson, his team put up blah numbers that most teams would have stomped on (well, at least the ones with actual owners and not dead-beat dads). Former Renal Failure members Eli Manning and Marcedes Lewis only got 8 and 3 points respectively for La Machine, which might have Chris questioning AGAIN why he makes trades with us. Terrell Owens had a respectable 10-point day, and Roddy White had a serviceable 7 vs. the Bucs. Again, nothing special on the La Machine side; they just happened to suck less this week, but that's how you weather those lean times in fantasy football. Ines knows we've done it plenty of times before.


Ines Sainz... why have you forsaken us in our time of need? We still believe...

So now Renal Failure is 7-6 and no longer in control of their playoff destiny. The 11-2 Bourbon Blasters have clinched the top seed with The Ramblers' loss to the Bald Spots (8-5), but Rambler (9-4) clinches a playoff spot anyway. Predator Press eliminated What the Canuck? (6-7) from contention to move up to 8-5 and La Machine stays alive for another week at 7-6. Your People's Champion needs to win their Week 14 game vs. Canuck and then hope for either a Bald Spots or Predator Press loss to force a tie at 8-6 for the last one or two remaining playoff spots. Then it would go to the tie-breaker regarding Points For, which the People feel good about winning because Renal Failure is 89 points ahead of PredPress and 45 points up on Bald Spots. A bit of a problem with that plan is that Bald Spots are playing absentee Team Krapsody in Week 14, so it looks like we're going to be in the awkward position of rooting for Joe and his Bourbon Blasters to help keep our season alive by beating LOBO senseless, even though it means Joe would tie Renal Failure's regular season record for most wins in a season. But we will trade vanity for a playoff spot, especially if it means we play Joe in the first round. He may have the third-most points in the league, but he's only breached the 100-point mark four times this season. Other than that he's consistently hovered around the 80-90 point range all season. The People believe he's vulnerable.

La Machine could still make it in Chris beats The Ramblers. Chris also needs Renal Failure to lose because Chris has a 98-point deficit to make up if both teams finish 8-6. Chris also needs PredPress and Bald Spots to lose so he can tie them, but he has a better chance of overcoming the 9-point deficit he has with LOBO, though not so much the 53-point deficit to Bald Spots, but you never know when a team will either completely shit the bed or catapult all of the Gummi Bears into the farthest reaches of our galaxy.


Dashing and daring... courageous and caring... but can they breathe in the void of space?

Of course, if Renal Failure chokes in Week 14 or both LOBO and Bryan win the People's tie-breaker advantage and our miraculous run to get back into playoff contention ends up being for naught, but the Wild Card (bitches!) of the HBFFL are confident they can score a Wild Card spot by preventing a repeat of last year's regular season finale where we lost to Canuck. Why? Because this time around Canuck isn't playing for his playoff life. We are. And a desperate Renal Failure team could very well be the most dangerous thing in the HBFFL.


What's it like to not make the playoffs? IT HURTS!

We'll have our review of the Renal Failure/What the Canuck? matchup later in the week. Until then, have fun looking at the side of your milk cartons and seeing my team. If you happen to run into any of them this week, tell them to please show up for Week 14. We'd like to stay competitive up till the bitter end.


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure is probably not going to make the playoffs in three out of the four leagues he's in. It's been that kind of season for the People's Champ.

Tuesday Afternoon QB: Bill Fucking Belichick

Earlier this year, I called out Houston Texans head coach Gary Kubiak when he benched Arian Foster for the first half of a game, depriving me of points I could have had and making my life a living hell. Now I have to call out Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, once again for depriving me of points I could have had...well, in a way, at least the way I see it...and making my life a living hell once again.

photo courtesy of Keith Allison on Flickr

Yeah, Bill Fucking Belichick.

Because I never know whom he's going to use from week to week on offense, I benched three of his players, wide receiver Deion Branch, running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis (aka "The Law Firm") and tight end Aaron Hernandez in favor of Rams wide receiver Danario Alexander, Chiefs running back Thomas Jones and Jets tight end Dustin Keller. Collectively, Belichick's three players outscored my team by three times as many points, 42-14. If I had played Belichick's trio, I would have won 122-115 over Bald Spots. As it was, I lost 115-101.

As usual, though, I would like to thank Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers (35 points) and Houston running back Arian Foster (22) for showing up to make the score look a little more respectable than it could have been. Thank you, gentlemen, I appreciate your support. Keep up the good work.

Surprisingly, even with the loss, no thanks to Bill Fucking Belichick, I did clinch a playoff spot this week and while next week's game against HBFFL founder Chris Cameron doesn't mean anything, that still doesn't mean I still don't want to kick his ass. After all, dude did write about a big play a couple of weeks ago that my team made when I should have been the one to write about it. As I said then, I will exact my revenge...

Cameron, I'm coming to get you!

Week 13 Partial Preview: Renal Failure vs. La Machine - Crap Just Got Real

by Renal Failure


Chris never met our Uncle Willie...

Week 13 brings Renal Failure not only a third shot at revenge at Chris for 1) ruining our perfect season in 2009, 2) beating us in the 2009 HBFFL Championship Game, and 3) beating us in Week 4, but it also gives your People's Champion the opportunity to kill La Machine's playoff hopes in 2010 and that we believe will wound Chris the most. It's as if we've played a long game of revenge (though not as long as the revenge game in the movie Oldboy), allowing Chris climb so high that it makes the fall we've inevitably planned for him even more injurious.

Renal Failure, once thought dead and buried at 2-5, has rattled off five big wins to not only get to 7-5 but to position themselves in a dominant position should a playoff spot go down to the Points For tiebreaker. Over those five victorious weeks, Renal Failure has scored 90, 132, 124, 123, and 166 points to rocket up the second-most amount of Points For in the league (only 3 behind the now Frank Gore-less Ramblers). And it's someone different on the Renal roster throwing a bear into orbit each week. Sometimes it's Tom Brady, other times it's Peyton Hillis, or Chris Johnson, or Brandon Lloyd, or Dwayne Bowe, or even worse a combination of this unholy fivesome.


Dwayne Bowe isn't jumping... he just levitates around the field until it's time to place his feet in the end zone.

Now the People are going to have to work from behind this week because Chris made the smart move of starting LeSean McCoy at running back. Shady McCoy put up a big 24 points vs. Texans. All right, Chris. Well played. You're going to make the People's Champ work for this win, eh? We can do that. We neutralized Arian Foster's 36-point day back in Week 9 with Peyton Hillis' 38-point day, who says Hillis can't do it again?

Chris is also starting Eli Manning and Marcedes Lewis, who he got off us in that trade for Peyton Hillis and Brandon Pettigrew. Could this be the trade revenge game, like the ones we regularly have against Mr. Unfinished Rambler? Or is this game where Chris regrets giving us Peyton Hillis (we're not starting Pettigrew this week) and everyone else in the HBFFL gives Chris the stink-eye and says with a sneer "Thanks Chris for being responsible for saving Renal Failure's season, jackass. Now we have to deal with that asshole talking shit about being in the playoffs."


Do not defy the will of Ines Sainz, Chris. She will smite you with impotence...

Yahoo! has Renal Failure winning 102-87, but that doesn't mean much with Shady McCoy exceeding his projected score by 11 and Renal Failure exceeding their projected score for the past five weeks. If La Machine wins, they keep their season alive for another week. If Renal Failure wins, they don't clinch a playoff spot just yet but they put themselves in the driver's seat for one and continue to control their own destiny, which is just how they like it. Besides, we don't need to be reminded what losing feels like; we did enough of that earlier in the season.


When was the last time Renal Failure lost a game? The answer is above, but you may have to watch the video a few times to pick it up.



___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure sees no reason why there has to be Thursday night games. Really, outside of Thanksgiving they serve no purpose.

Week 12 Semi-Preview: Renal Failure vs. Bald Spots II: The Secret of the Orbital Bear

by Renal Failure


Scientists still do not have any definitive evidence to determine which is easier: Pimpin' or fantasy football.

Usually we have our preview done on Friday, but this was one of the rare occasions that we had players on a Thursday night game. And because the People Champion likes to give thanks to Captain Morgan rum on that particular Thursday in November, we didn't get a chance to type up a preview of the People's quest for the fantasy playoffs.

And so with three rum and cokes in us, we watched the early game between the Patriots and Lions and witness Tom Brady deliver us the finest Bearducken - which for the uneducated masses out there is a Bear with a duck stuffed up its ass that has a chicken stuffed up its ass - and then throw it halfway to the Dagobah system with a 46-point performance, much to the dismay of Bryan of the Bald Spots who couldn't enjoy Calvin "Megatron" Johnson's big 15-point day on the Lions end.


Our Thanksgiving wasn't this dignified...

So going into Sunday's game, Renal Failure holds a 52-15 edge over Bald Spots (Brandon Pettigrew got himself 6 points for the People on Thursday too), but the game's far from over. Bryan still has Philip Rivers waiting to throw a bear into orbit himself vs. Indianapolis, though we don't think it will be the sort of bear with other animals shoved up its ass. And with the way Brett Favre's been playing I wouldn't be surprised to see the Vikings hand the ball to Adrian Petersen all day. Pierre Garcon could be a problem, but Peyton Manning's been slinging the ball to everyone on that team so Garcon may not get many chances to hurt us.

But Renal Failure still have the vaunted 1-2 punch of Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis waiting to bolster the People's lead, along with the hottest WR combo in fantasy football Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd, especially after T.O. got shut down by the Jets in the late Thanksgiving game (sorry Chris). And Matt Bryant and the Cleveland Defense have some pretty good projected matchups that the People feel pretty good about, which will give us some much needed points should a wild card spot come down to a Points For tiebreaker.


Ines Sainz waits patiently for the Renal Failure victory that she has decreed.

If the People hold on to their 37-point lead, they'll enter into a tie for third with Bald Spots at 7-5 along with either one or two of these three teams: La Machine, What the Canuck? and Predator Press. La Machine and Predator Press are playing each other so one of them is going to fall to 6-6 unless they maintain their current tied score, and What the Canuck? has to make up a 43-point deficit against the first place 9-2 Bourbon Blasters to keep pace (and we're hoping for a Bourbon Blasters loss so that Joe can't tie our record for most wins in a season, that being 12).

So until next week... stay thirsty for the playoffs, my friend.


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure has a little Captain in them, except on Thanksgiving when he has a lot of Captain in them. This is why Renal Failure wakes up on the front lawn on Black Friday.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I coulda been a contender

I coulda been a contender.

It's true. I coulda been another Billy Conn.

However, Chris Cameron decided it wasn't my night and all I got was a one-way ticket to Palooka-ville.

To wit, according to Yahoo projections, I was supposed to win 109-86 over Chris's La Machine, on the backs of Aaron Rodgers, Arian Foster and Frank Gore, but then Chris along with Ray Rice, Cedric Benson, Terrell Owens and Roddy White said, "This ain't your weekend."

Mainly, it was Arian Foster who took the dive, amassing only 2 fantasy points when he was supposed to have had 24. The only card I could have dealt differently was Santana Moss, who had 16 fantasy points, but even then I would have lost to Rice's 32, Benson's 22 and Owens and White's 21 apiece.

I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Chris...

...and those four goons you had.

La Machine and The Ramblers meet again Week 14 where already The Ramblers are projected to take a 111-79 win.

While I take nothing for granted, next time we'll come out swinging.


Yeah, it will be like that.

At least we remembered to start an active quarterback...

by Renal Failure


We have problems with anger, and with our team not scoring points...

Last season, your People's Champion set the HBFFL record for points scored in a 14-game regular season with 1481, about 105 points a game. In 2010, Renal Failure is second-to-last with 290 points in 4 games (72 points a game), just 35 points ahead of Bex's Battling Butterflies (though it would only be a three-point deficit if she had remembered to start Chad Henne at QB this week instead of bye-week Brett Favre. But at least it didn't cost her the game as it did with Don forgetting to bench bye-week Tony Romo and Kellen Winslow for Matt Ryan and Zach Miller. You got a freebie win there, Static.)

With our 81-48 loss to La Machine, long-waited vengeance was not had and the People's Champion is left to wonder what the hell is going on with their once-feared franchise. Our backup QB Sam Bradford scored twice as many points as Founder of Bear NASA Tom Brady this week (26-13), First overall pick in the draft Chris Johnson churned out a paltry 6 points vs. Denver, and Hines Ward grabbed a solitary point vs. the Ravens. Only Mark Clayton (7pts) and recently acquired Marcedes Lewis (8pts) made any sort of dent on the scoreboard. The fact that we lost by so much mitigates the regret of leaving Brandon Lloyd and his 16 points on the bench for emergency acquisition Tim Hightower's big 2 point day because Pierre Thomas was suddenly inactive for his game against Carolina (another RB on our team injured? You don't say!), and we didn't trust that Clinton Portis would do well against the Eagles (5pts, bad but still better than Hightower).


Let's see... 1-3 record, second-least points scored, most points scored against... yeah, I think I has a pretty big fucking sad.

Our only solace from Week 4 is that we pulled a Jedi mind trick on Chris with our preview from last week. We got Chris to doubt starting Terrell Owens against us with our suggestion that perhaps Braylon Edwards would do better, but since Chris knows that Renal Failure is the goddamn devil, he hedged his bet by not taking our advice of benching the ailing Ray Rice for Peyton Hillis. Owens threw a bear into space with 33 points to Edwards' 14, and Hillis put up an impressive 21 points to Rice's 2. The lesson learned? Don't be meek and hedge your bets.

And Renal Failure learned that lesson for themselves as well. See, we were going to start Brandon Lloyd for Week 4 after hearing that Pierre Thomas was out, but then panicked and picked up Hightower minutes before kick-off. We second-guessed our first instinct. Well no more of that. Renal Failure declares from this moment on to eschew such timidity in our roster choices. If we are to lose, then we shall lose boldly! When the People's Champion acts, it will be with firm conviction and no regrets, because as one of my favorite blogs Fafblog! once wrote: "Being right is not a plan! Being wrong with resolve is a plan!" And if we are to be wrong this season, we're going to do it with resolve.


Removes even the toughest stains on your soul... but not your Fantasy season.

So the new bolder Renal Failure (with 50% more "Wild Card, bitches!" in every bottle) marches into Week 5 against What the Canuck?, better known as the only other team to defeat the People's Champion in 2009. But since we housed Canucklehead in the playoffs that year to avenge that Week 14 loss this is more a revenge game for him. We'll have our review of this pivotal matchup that could either keep the People's season alive or bury it for good later in the week. But either way, it will be bold!


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure listened to Butt Trumpet and Dead Kennedys all through high school. It probably explains a lot.

Week 4 Preview: Renal Failure vs. La Machine

by Renal Failure


Zorro Cat looks forward to a Renal Failure victory this week...

It's a rematch from last year's championship game, though both teams are far from championship form this year. The Failure and The Machine are 1-2 and have had their issues in the early stages of the 2010 season, with La Machine having trouble with the autodraft and Renal Failure losing Ryan Grant after the first game and having the Bald Spots throw four bears into orbit on us last week.

The Yahoo! projections show Renal Failure dominating La Machine 103-79, and as pleasing as it is for us to see the People's Champion winning our revenge game by such a large margin, we find the numbers a bit inflated.

Chris Johnson is projected for 28 points against Denver, but high projections like that are never to be trusted. And while we're fine with Tom Brady's 24 projected points vs. Miami, we're not so sure of New Orleans DEF's 11 point projection. Even Pierre Thomas's 13 projected points seem highly optimistic, even against a bad team like Carolina.


Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy suggest La Machine start Alex Smith this week...

La Machine is going to depend on Matt Schaub and Cedric Benson to have big days because Ray Rice has knee troubles and will probably see a bunch of his carries given to Willis McGahee. There's the newly-acquired Peyton Hillis sitting on Chris's bench, but really, does the defending champion want to put his trust in a member of the Cleveland Browns?

Roddy White's been paying dividends at WR, but Terrell Owens hasn't been setting the world on fire. La Machine could start Braylon Edwards in TO's place, but then that would put Chris on the shit-list of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, and those women are relentless. (Side Note: The Westminster Dog Show people have been burning a dog house on Rambler's lawn for having Michael Vick on his roster. And you don't even want to know what the Lifetime Network has been doing to LOBO for having Ben Roethlisberger on his team.)

One edge La Machine might have is that he has New England's Stephen Gostkowski kicking for him, and if Renal Failure's bear-chucking machine Tom Brady stalls out against Miami, Gostkowski could get some field goals.


Gostkowski blesses you, my child...

Without a doubt, this is the most important game on the Week 4 schedule. The winner goes to 2-2 and gets back into the playoff hunt; the loser goes to 1-3 and sees their road to the post-season become that much more difficult. Still, La Machine started the 2009 season 1-3 and won the championship, so it's not an impossible position. So since it's a familiar place for Chris, he should drop to 1-3 and try to recreate his magical run of '09 while Renal Failure tastes Week 4 victory. And just to bring balance back to the universe, Renal Failure should run win the rest of their games and duplicate their magical 12-2 regular season from '09 as well.

The People have waited a long time for vengeance against La Machine, the team that ruined our perfect '09 season and then took the championship from us. Revenge is a soup best served hot and steaming and poured in your lap, and we've got a cauldron of chicken noodle heating up for Sunday.


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure also likes lobster bisque, but finds its too thick for proper vengeance-filled crotch scaldings. You want a thinner broth that will seep through the fabric and the zipper.

Braylon Edwards Learns Traded to La Machine, Gets Shit-Hammered

Predator Press

[LOBO]


Jets' Wide Receiver Busted for DWI

The King Will Not Be Denied His Throne

When you play La Machine in the HBFFL Championship you are down with the king of fantasy football...



By down I mean Renal Failure going down. In flames even.



Yeah like that.

Most fantasy team owners would be afraid of Renal Failure's scary lineup, with Rivers, S-Jax, MJD, Dallas Freakin' Clark, and Hines Ward. It's like Frankenstein, Wolfman, and Dracula all being in the same monster movie.



Yeah, that scary.

But I am not afraid. I've got my own scary movie in McNabb, Rice, The Johnson known as Andre, and Welker. And let's not forget Ryan Grant who is quietly finishing a top-ten RB season.

And of course there is my secret weapon. The final one, saved for the most important and final game of the 2009 HBFFL season is none other then...



Yes, that's right frigging Superman! I know, right now you are thinking "how does Superman help a fantasy football team?"

You must have forgotten one of the Man of Steel's lesser-used powers: the ability to reverse time.

In the first film, after Lois was killed by an earthquake caused by Lex Luthor, Superman flew around the Earth like crazy and reversed it's rotation.



I'll make that fucker fly around the planet a million times until I get the outcome that will fulfill my destiny: a championship win.

So good luck Renal Failure. You will need it.


_____________________________________________________________
Chris Cameron is a co-writer and the editor of the HBFFL humor blog. He also writes his own brand of odd humor at Angry Seafood.

I got 145 problems but a Canuck ain't one

That's what 145 points tastes like when you only have 118...

Is there anyone left out there who doubts Renal Failure?

The Wild Card (bitches!) is going to the HBFFL Championships to face La Machine. The People's Champion vs. The Commissioner.

We'll do our review now since we've got computer issues that will keep us from doing our usual late week post. Besides, Chris probably has a post in the works with lots of graphics of Bearataurs humping Daleks and giving birth to Death Stars full of Sith spiders and we don't want to follow that.

So let's look at the trends...

FACT: In 2008, the team that finished first in the regular season and scored the most points went on to win the championship (Fantasy Virgin a.k.a. Defending Champions). Renal Failure finished first and scored the most points in 2009.

FACT: La Machine is 0-1 in HBFFL championship games.

FACT: Renal Failure is now 3-0 this season in avenging prior losses (even if two of those losses were grudges from last season). La Machine ended our nine-game winning streak in Week 10 and has not yet tasted retribution for that.

In the final days of the 2009 HBFFL season The People's Champion is one win away from being an Actual Champion. The countdown is on...


This is the greatest song ever created and you are wrong to think otherwise...

Do you hear that? It's not sleigh bells. It's the People chanting Renal Failure's name. And they want a HBFFL Championship sitting by the Festivus Pole.

---To paraphrase the late great Ol' Dirty Bastard: Renal Failure is for the children.

Judgment Day

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I’m not going to engage in a lot of trash talking here.




It wasn’t easy getting this far, and it wasn’t without luck; frankly, there was little one would classify as “clever” or “shrewd” in my season. A lot of better players and teams, having suffered unforeseeable misfortunes, are starin’ at me in utter disbelief.

And now, at the end of the season, the waiver wires –often the only thing keeping me an inch or two ahead of my respective matchups- have dried up.

Alas, Predator Press has no reason to expect to continue to win.

Thusly faced by a number of teams I cannot beat -and as my season comes to its inevitable and overdue end- one might expect me to be classy and gracious; to rise above the petty and slanderous "Trash Talk" common amongst sports enthusiasts.




And one might also expect me not to call Chris Cameron a stinky-faced poo poo head (despite his attempt to kill Jesus).




But from the automobile to the standard kitchen blender



I break machines on a daily basis.

Canada vs. the People

We blame Anne Murray for our loss too...

Renal Failure had the rare misfortune of losing in Week 14, this time at the hands of our neighbor to the north What the Canuck? 111-102. The Ducky of the HBFFL got big days from Peyton Manning and Ricky Williams while Renal Failure didn't get the big days we were hoping for from Stephen Jackson and Philip Rivers. (who would have thought the Eagles/Giants game would be the shootout instead of the Chargers/Cowboys game? Eli Manning with 43 points? Inconceivable!). But the People were heartened by the orbital bear games of Dallas Clark (22pts) and the Philly Defense (23pts) to keep the score respectable.

Strange fact: Renal Failure only other loss this season was a 111-96 affair to La Machine. Apparently the People's Champion can only be defeated by teams scoring exactly this amount of points.

And with that victory, the Ducky Canuck has earned himself a playoff spot. Unfortunately for Canucklehead, with how the Ramblers/Predator Press and La Machine/Defending Champions games went (Ramblers and DefChamps lost, eliminating them from playoff contention), What the Canuck? has to face Renal Failure again in the first round of the playoffs. A very unhappy Renal Failure.


"Oh good for you!"

Yes, the Wild Card (bitches!) of the HBFFL had the number one playoff seed wrapped up weeks ago. Yes, Renal Failure holds the record for most regular season wins in a season in the HBFFL. Yes, Renal Failure just set the record for points scored in a season with 1481 (that's 105.7 points a game). But Renal Failure was denied a 13th win and a winning percentage over .900, as well as the evil joy of crushing yet another team's playoff hopes. And it gives Canuck the right to buy this t-shirt from LOBO...


Only two people in the world can wear this shirt... and they both made the playoffs.

So the playoffs are set. Renal Failure(1) vs What the Canuck?(4) and Predator Press(2) vs. La Machine(3). We'll have our People's Playoff preview on Friday. It's different than the playoff review you might get from Chris C. or LOBO or UnfinishedPerson or Joe because they don't employ any ninjas or Tag Larkin on their research staffs.

---Renal Failure wants to know if you like Huey Lewis and the News...

Week 14: Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck? Round Two

Renal Failure journal. December 11th, 2009. Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. What the Canuck? is afraid of us. The accumulated dreck of Canucklehead's devotion to the Buffalo Bills will foam up about his waist, and he'll look up and shout "Let me make the playoffs." And we'll whisper "No."

It's Week 14, the last game of the regular season, the last chance for desperate souls to grab hold of a playoff berth. And What the Canuck? fits the bill of a desperate soul considering they've gone 3-6 since starting the season 4-0 (Renal Failure handed them their first loss of the season in Week 5), and the fact that they lose every tiebreaker with the remaining playoff eligible teams (though they aren't frantically hitting the waiver wire, unloading and loading entire rosters in a single sitting like Predator Press and the Ramblers). Canuck squandered their chance to control their destiny by being on the receiving end of the Toyota Fantasy Football Blowout of Week 13 vs. Defending Champions, 133-79. Now they're forced into a must-win situation against a team that has not only lost just once in thirteen games but is the only team in the league this season to put up more points than DefChamps.

Now some of our more clever readers might say "Hey Renal Failure, wouldn't you be better off letting Canuck win so that you'd play him in the first round of the playoffs? All he has is Peyton Manning. DefChamps employs an entire bear space program starring Chris Johnson, La Machine is deep at WR and might get Michael Turner back, and the Ramblers have Aaron Rodgers and Randy Moss." And those are valid points, but you will have forgotten two little things...

Renal Failure plays to win the game. And Renal Failure is not a fucking douchebag.

You see, if the situations were swapped and DefChamps tanked their game with Canuck just so they wouldn't have to play us in the playoffs, well we'd be a little miffed.


We're tired of losing to Perdue too.

Besides, it's not like we can guarantee that Canuck would be the fourth seed anyway. A Rambler loss and a La Machine loss would bump Canuck up to the third seed, and then we'd still have to play Defending Champions because they'd win the tiebreaker vs. Rambler and Machine. Then La Machine, who's also the commissioner, would be pissed at us because if we had beaten Canuck he would have made it into the playoffs in that four-way tie for the last two spots scenario.

No, forget all that. The People's Champion plays to win the game.


And Yahoo! likes the People's chances of winning too. A check of the projections on Thursday have the Wild Card beating the Ducky 97-90. But the Bills are playing Kansas City, and the Chiefs are a very generous team when it comes to Fantasy Points so T.O. and Fred Jackson could outperform their projections. Then again Stephen Jackson on the People's side is only projected for 12 vs. Tennessee, and SJax has been almost automatic when it comes to 100 yard rushing games since the Week 6 trade with Rambler, and he can find the end zone too.

But even if What the Canuck? pulls out a surprise victory this week, it's no big thing to the People's Champion. If it happens we'll probably get to face Canuck in the first round of the playoffs. And remember... nobody circles the wagons like Renal Failure.


---When the whole world is a joke, the only sensible thing to be is Renal Failure.

Week 13 - Take Two... this time with less enthusiasm

We'll dispense with the usual pleasantries first, as this post is being hastily rewritten because Blogger sucks and should die in a fire. Week 13. Renal Failure won, Team Duckgirl lost. She's out of playoff contention. And so is Prestige Worldwide. Renal Failure now holds the record for wins in a regular season with 12, and will most likely break Fantasy Virgin/Defending Champions point scoring record of 1422 in Week 14 vs. What the Canuck?

So...who's left? We're going to go through each team to figure out as best we can what each team needs to do or have others do for them to get into the playoffs (and feel free to correct us if we're wrong because this shit is complicated). And also for the purposes of this exercise we're going to assume that finishing fourth and playing Renal Failure in the first round of the playoffs to be the worst thing ever for that team, aside from not making the playoffs.

Realistically Predator Press (8-5) is in, but mathematically it's not official. A PredPress win over the Ramblers clinches the 2nd seed for them. But even if PredPress loses to the 7-6 Ramblers and the other 7-6 teams La Machine and What the Canuck? win, Canuck is way behind on the tiebreaker to PredPress. 81 points to be exact. Unless Peyton Manning and Ricky Williams put up 80 points a piece, PredPress' playoff aspirations are safe. The tiebreakers with Machine and Rambler will determine seeding, though PredPress is up 9 points on Machine and 42 points on Rambler, so depending on the score of the PredPress/Rambler game PredPress could possibly finish 4th and have to play Renal Failure in the first round.

La Machine (7-6) is second-most likely to clinch. All they need to do is win over Defending Champions in Week 14. Even if Rambler and Canuck win to force a four-way 8-6 tie, it's still all good because Machine is up 33 points on Rambler and 72 points on Canuck. If Machine loses they will need losses by both Rambler and Canuck to force a four-way 7-7 tie for the last two playoff spots between Machine, Rambler, Canuck, and DefChamps. Given that the tiebreaker advantages hold, Machine will slip in as the fourth seed and a first round matchup with Renal Failure and DefChamps the third seed because no one is catching DefChamps in points. Nobody.

The Ramblers (7-6) are in if they beat Predator Press, combined with either a La Machine or What the Canuck? loss. But if that doesn't happen it's still good for the Unfinished One because in a four-team 8-6 quagmire the Ramblers are up 39 points in the tiebreaker on Canuck for 4th place. A Rambler loss, however, could throw the Unfinished One into a world of pain, depending on who else wins. A Rambler loss combined with wins by Machine and Canuck eliminate Rambler. A Rambler loss combined with a Canuck win and a Machine loss invokes a three-way 7-7 tiebreaker situation with Rambler, Machine, and DefChamps that Rambler will not win. But a Rambler loss combined with a Machine win and Canuck loss is still good for Rambler because Rambler has a 39 point lead on Canuck, which will allow Rambler to get in as the fourth seed and give him a chance to point his rueful finger at Renal Failure.

What the Canuck? (7-6) needs to win over Renal Failure (ha!) and they need La Machine or the Ramblers to lose because as we showed in the Predator Press scenario, if four teams make it to 8-6, Canuck's going to be the odd team out. If Canuck loses, they're just as screwed because they win no tiebreakers. Canuck can be the 3rd seed and miss a rematch with Renal Failure with a win and losses by Machine and Rambler.

Defending Champions (6-7) need a win vs. La Machine and a Rambler or Canuck loss. Any team that enters the 7-7 tiebreaker with DefChamps will lose, even La Machine who is 89 points behind DefChamps who are the 2nd highest scoring team in the league (behind Renal Failure). If Rambler and Canuck both lose, DefChamps can finish third and miss a first round game with Renal Failure. If only one of them lose, DefChamp will get in as the fourth seed.

Everybody got that? Good.

Preview of Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck later this week. Hopefully Blogger won't eat that one too.

---Renal Failure says this is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps...

A Nation of Predation

Predator Press

[LOBO]

He only tells you all this sciency stuff ta make you skeert!

La Machine Serves Notice of Some Winning Kind

Like with all things new, there is hope and optimism. Then the reality that is life beats you down like when your prostitutes are skimming off your take. A pimp’s gotta eat yo.

But none the less my team is ready to contend. Why? Because I said so. I am an expert after all in verifying my own opinion as valid and a fantasy football league is no exception.

Of course, some will scoff at this notion my team’s talent level far exceeds that of any other squad in the league. To the naysayers I offer this one interesting fact: La Machine is tied for first at this very moment.

It has already begun.

Just in case you are unconvinced of my moral platitude, look at this amazing squad of talented overachievers…

Quarterbacks

Donovan McNabb, Jay Cutler

I don’t know what is in the water in Eagles country but the hernias are going around. First McNabb gets one a season or two back, now wide receiver Kevin Curtis is out for the season with a sports hernia. Hopefully Donovan is off the steroids and will stay healthy.

Running Backs

Frank Gore, Clinton Portis, Selvin Young, Earnest Graham

A Gore and a Clinton on my team? It is like I died, went to hell and Satan is Jimmy Carter. I am going to have to bite the bullet on this one and suck it up, especially since this Gore-Clinton tandem will produce actual measurable results. Well, besides the sales of Altoids of course.


Wide Receivers

Torry Holt, Chad Johnson, Santana Moss, Bryant Johnson

Chad Johnson may be hurt right now, but he raced Kentucky Derby horses in the off-season to keep in shape as well as successfully and legally changed his name to the Spanish translation of his uniform number.

Ocho Cinco? Bueno.

Tight Ends

Tony Gonzalez, Tony Scheffler

Going into the draft I was looking to corner the market on Tight Ends named Tony. I feel good knowing I accomplished that small bullet point on my list of goals to league domination. Or at least the computer did.

Kickers

Shayne Graham, Robbie Gould

I’ve never had a kicker with a name that sounds like those weird-looking hollow dried shells of fruit before. Plus he’s on the Bears who aren’t exactly a fantasy football juggernaut. Can I have an actual gourd?



Defenses

Green Bay, Tampa Bay

One of the good things about a bay is that is has land on three out of four sides, making it easier to defend from a military standpoint. No idea how that translates to fantasy football, but I’ll take an edge anytime I can get one.

Bring it HBFFL. La Machine is ready for you.