Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tuesday Morning QB on Wednesday:

Thanks to this player pictured at left, I was able to defeat Renal Failure this past weekend 104-93. His name: Dallas Clark.

No, he's not the Dallas from Phoenix like in the movie Forrest Gump, although that would have been pretty cool. No, this Dallas is originally from Livermore, Iowa and even has his own dedicated page on the town website. I don't know much about Livermore, but if it's like backwater dirt towns here in Pennsylvania, it probably needs to have some claim to fame, because there's probably not much else to the town. Notice, all you Livermore citizens, I say "probably" because for all I know there could be more to your town than just Dallas Clark.

He now is tight end with the Indianapolis Colts and even though they lost to the Tennessee Titans this past weekend 31-21, Clark scored two touchdowns and 21 fantasy points for me, helping me to the win. Thanks, Dallas.


I only took one gamble by the percentages with my team this past weekend, and it was a wash. Moments before the New York Giants were to play the Steelers, Plaxico Burress was taken out of the starting lineup. So I gambled and went with Domenik Hixon, who started for Burress, but only was played in 2 percent of public leagues on Yahoo. He yielded an amazing 1 point! But Burress didn't do much better by yielding only one point too.

Two guys I kept on the bench: Jerricho Cotchery, played in only 53 percent of public leagues on Yahoo, and Mewelde Moore, played in only 37 percent of public leagues on Yahoo, each yielded 15 points.

As for my opponent, though, two of his studs, Hines Ward and MJD only yielded three points each. Ouch. That hurts.


Meanwhile, The White Strypers led by Matt from That Tears It... got great performances from Nate Washington (Ward's counterpart), who was only expected to have five points, but had 12, and Kurt Warner, only expected to have 23 points, yet had 36 points. They helped him to a 96-91 victory over Leigh from leighonline.

Meanwhile, Lobo from Predator Press in his 81-71 loss to Canucklehead, forgot to play a defense! I suppose Lobo is too focused on his election campaign for John Nobody as evidenced bythe recent debate he had against Don Lewis. I know it's getting closer, but I still haven't made up my mind -- at least between these two. This weekend, I face off against Lobo in a highly-anticipated matchup (at least by me), because any time

Sorry for the lateness of my post. My computer was down for a couple days and I just got it back today.

Preds Introduce Motivational Mascot to Bolster Morale, Performance

Predator Press


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Finding new creative ways to lose

Play along with us for a second...

If your team was going into Monday night down four points, your productive running back is waiting playing that night, and the only player left on the opposition's team is the tight end. Would you think your chances of pulling out a win are better than usual?

If you said "yes," then you obviously are not Renal Failure.

21 points by Dallas Clark. 21 points by the frelling tight end. When does a tight end put up that many points? He was projected for 5. Chris Johnson puts up a respectable 14 and a tight end blows him out of the water with 21? Renal Failure is the home of wild fabrications and outright lies, but even we couldn't fabricate that outcome.

Yes, Hines Ward, Jeremy Shockey, and Maurice Jones-Drew ended up being worthless for the Failure this week, and LenDale White and Anquan Bolden sapped potential scores away from Chris Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald, but 22 points from a tight end? Yes, we fully expected Brian Westbrook to get an obscene amount of points. He's Brian Westbrook, that's what he does. That's all he does. But Dallas Clark? Dallas Clark?

So now to beat Renal Failure you either have to score 120+ points or have their tight end have the game of the frickin' year.

The universe has spoken... and it has deemed Renal Failure's season to be over.

The trends don't favor Renal Failure. Our season has gone loss, loss, win, loss, loss, win, win, loss. If the pattern holds, Renal Failure will lose this week against the Washington Crooks before winning the next three straight games and then ending with losses for the last two. That would put us at 8-8, which will definitely not make the playoffs.

(Edit: Or as Chris so helpfully pointed out, it's only a 14-game regular season, so we'd be 6-8, which is even worse)

Sure, we're only two games behind the 5-3 White Strypers and Fantasy Virgin squads for the last playoff spots, and Renal Failure's scoring prowess could possibly win the point-total tie breakers with most teams, but no one can be optimistic after losing because of a tight end's 22-point day.

The trading deadline is November 21st. Renal Failure might be calling that Fire Sale Day. And we like fire. Maybe too much.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Death Blossom works! Mah God! Death Blossom!

Renal Failure told you that Week 7 was going to be a Duke-tastrophy for someone... and I do believe that our Canadian competition getting beat by 76 points by the implausible 1/4th of Renal Failure's 5/4th roster constitutes a Duke-tastrophy of Duke-licious proportions.

Note: The answer to the question of where Quizibuk or Duke-tastrophy comes from is the 90's cartoon The Critic.

Now the rest of the Renal Roster is back and not a moment too soon. Week 8 brings The Ramblers, who along with sitting tied for first place in the standings is also the only other team in the league who has scored more points than Renal Failure. This is cause for concern in the Renal ranks, as it shows they have the prowess to score the requisite 120+ points needed to beat us like La Machine, Fantasy Virgin, and Predator Press have done (discounting our Week One loss because that was like the first day of school).

But Renal Failure has a few things in their favor in this pivotal contest. Most of the Renal Starters are coming off bye weeks, meaning they are fresh and ready to perform. Also the Ramblers have to start backup QB Derek Anderson, who has only scored half as many points as starter Aaron Rodgers. Thirdly, Renal Failure has a two-game winning streak, the Ramblers don't. That's what we call Renal Momentum, and since it's the first multiple game winning streak for the Failure we're not quite sure what it will do for us. Then again, we didn't know what Death Blossom would do either, and that turned out more than all right for us.

A Renal Victory over a top tier opponent makes us serious playoff contenders. A Renal Defeat puts the season in jeopardy and will deliver a serious setback to our super secret "win the rest of our games" plan to make the real playoffs. A Renal Tie... well, ties are like kissing your sister. But we don't have a sister. Does the UnfinishedRambler have a sister? Is she hot? Does she mind wandering hands?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tuesday Morning QB: Skin o' my teeth

In honor of this past week's matchup against Paula's Googly Eyed Goons, I dedicate this song "Skin O' My Teeth" by Megadeth:

because that's what I escaped by (the lyrics to the song have nothing to do with escaping in a football game, but hey, the title was appropriate).

How it happened

After Sunday's games, I was up 102-87 and thought I had my matchup well in hand when along came Randy Moss to try to mess with my win. Luckily, he didn't, and I still won 102-99. However, it wasn't the margin of victory for which I was hoping, especially against a girl.

The man who messed it up on my team was Jerricho Cotchery, who played in 81 percent of public leagues was expected to have more points than he did, which was zero.

Instead, even lowly T.J. Houshmanzadeh had a measly five points to Cotchery's zero.

My only other "mistake" was playing Mewelde Moore, who was played in only 29 percent of public leagues. Even though he scored 14 points, I could have played Sammy Morris, who was played in only 24 percent of public leagues, but who yielded 24 points.

I still have to give other props to Paula percentage-wise, for playing Minnesota's Visanthe Shianco at tight end. He was put into the lineup in only 16 percent of public leagues yet had 12 points. But of course, her big players were Moss and Detroit's Calvin Johnson with 28 points.

Breaking down...

Other big games last week:
  • The White Strypers, coached by Matt (the artist formerly known as The Hypocritical One) from That Tears It..., tore Lobo of Predator Press a new one led by Steven Jackon's whopping 40 points and could have ripped him an even bigger hole (uh, sorry, Lobo, but he could have) by playing Lendale White. White was played in only 40 percent of public leagues, but had 37 points. Instead, Matt chose the safe bet with Ryan Grant, played in 64 percent of public leagues, who had 22 points. The score could have been 146-81, instead of 131-81. Just think about that, Lobo. I bet that will keep you up at night. ;) <--- notice, emoticon so when we face up in Week 9 you won't seek retaliation-- well, at least not as much retaliation.
  • For that matter, in his matchup against AoE's Washington Crooks, Chris Cameron could have put in Clinton Portis, played in 96 percent of public leagues, for 28 points and had 16 more points, but instead he put in Earnest Graham, played in a mere 68 percent of public leagues, who had a respectable 12. The final score looked a little better at 87-45, instead of the 103-45 that it could have been. Yeah, think about that, AoE. Think about that. I bet that will keep you up at night. (No emoticon because sometimes I can get carried away with the emoticons and opted for only one this post.)
Next week: The Ramblers take on Renal Failure. Personally I don't think it's fair, though. He has a host of extra players on his bench (32 if I counted correctly). If you're not scared, read here about them when RF proposed sending one of his crack squad to be a bodyguard for Lord Likely. He just couldn't decide which one. Each one of them is that lethal.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Think You Have It Rough This Week Renal?

Here is my opponent's roster in my 14-team veteran league:

Like our league you start one RB, two WR, and a flex position of RB/WR.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Five out of four doctors agree...

Renal Failure finds itself in a real Quizibuk (pony points to anyone who gets that reference) this week. Three-fourths of its roster is on a bye week. The last one-fourth is injured. That leaves just a meager one-fourth to pick up the slack that the other four-fourths has left them.

Now the snobbish math lobbyists may raise their elitist voices and try to point out with their raised eyebrows and liberal calculators that the above paragraph is impossible, that I can't have five-fourths of a roster. But what those godless sodomites don't realize is that Renal Failure is the home of Tag Larkin. And Tag Larkin doesn't just give 100% effort, he gives 125%. And another way of displaying 125% is five-fourths. So take that, you numeral-loving terrorists

This might raise their ire of engineers or physics experts or sciencey guys who claim you can't give more than 100%. I say if we listened to people who told us we can't do stuff then we would have never broken the sound barrier, or put a man on the moon, or figured out that you really can jam your entire fist up someone's ass.

So how will Renal Failure do with this theoretically impossible extra one-fourth of its lineup this week? Well, think of it as Death Blossom from one of the greatest movies of all-time, The Last Starfighter. It will either destroy the Canuckleheads in the greatest display of firepower ever, or it will just make the Renal roster self-destruct.

As for the Canuckleheads, what do you do if you fail to take advantage of Renal Failure's precarious and absurd situation?

There's going to be a Duke-tastrophy for someone this week...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

90 points is not 120 points

Why do people not listen to Renal Failure?

Renal Failure told you that our pathetic Week 1 score were just points that hadn't been scored yet, and now we are 4th in the league in scoring. We told you those points were coming, and our Week 6 tied the mark for highest point total in a week by a team (128... and that was with Joseph Addai not scoring a single point).

Renal Failure told you that the trends favored us for a dominant win against the Googly-Eyed Goons in Week 3, and we not only won but had the largest margin of victory of any team this season. Renal Failure also told you after that game that we'd probably get beat by Leigh as a form of cosmic comedic justice and were proven right once again.

Renal Failure told you how dominant they were in last place, and we proved how dominant we were by staying there with a loss to Predator Press in Week 5.

And finally, last week Renal Failure told everyone that it takes 120+ points to beat us. But the White Strypers didn't listen, they thought 90 points would be good enough, and now they languish in the skanky 3-3 menage-a-trois in the middle of the standings instead of the more preferable 4-way 4-2 orgy at the top.

That is six straight weeks of prescient punditry. Do you know what the usual batting average of correctness is for pundits? Negative .500. That means your average talking head gets everything he says and half of what he doesn't say absolutely wrong.

Ignore Renal Failure at your peril.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Payback for being a douchebag


Chris Cameron won't have to "spend the remaining days of (his) life in dark solitude drinking (himself) into a Jack Daniels bottle occasionally coming out to yell at the kids hanging around on (his) lawn or look out the window every time a car drives by," as he wrote last week.

Neither will he have to worry after buying "firearms and (dying) in a shootout with the police over being harassed because (he) just wanted some food..." after years of misplaced anger.

Now I will.

All thanks to Chris beating my ass after I said I would beat his last week.

That's what I get for saying I wouldn't being being a douchebag as I promised on my blog, huh?

I even kicked another team owner (Rickey) when he was, and is, down (at 1-5 and the bottom of the pile, which see? I had to bring it up again!). How much bigger of a douchebag can I be?

As big as this guy?

Larry Johnson

Who just happens to be on my team and is facing his third assault charge against a woman?

I hope I'm not that big of a douchebag.

So anyway, what happened this week?

Not to take anything away from Chris and his fine well-oiled La Machine...

...but pilot error.

interesting pictures - plane crash

I'm not going to break down all the percentages this week: just one.

San Diego kicker Nate Kaeding was used in 87 percent of public leagues last week; Carolina kicker, 51 percent of public leagues last week. So who did I pick?

Yep, Kasay.

So instead of the 12 points with Kaeding (think Ka-ching in terms of fantasy football), I ended up with three points-- a nine-point difference. Chris defeated me 103-96. If only I had played Kaeding, I would have beaten him 105-103 even with my wide receiver Houshmandzadeh and Burress not producing.

Next week: Tune in when I'll be looking back at my game against Paula of Paula's Playground with her Googly Eyed Goons. I make no predictions. I've already been spanked by Leigh of Leigh Online and her inappropriately-named Fantasy Virgin team, because it's screwing most of its opponents to the wall. With the lowly Browns beating the Giants last night, anything is possible. I could be spanked again, but this time, who knows maybe I'll like it?

Monday, October 13, 2008

It's a Celebration!

Well, I'm 99% sure that I'm about to lose this week - if I haven't already. I'm typing this up as my opponent's running back is running up the points - much to my dismay! Regardless, things are still looking a LOT better at this point of the season than I thought they would when I was a lowly 0-2. Things are happening and we just keep on keeping on. In fact, I decided to hold a little shindig to celebrate my recent success. The fact that it was Thanksgiving up here in Canada meant that a lot of people were not able to attend but we certainly made the best of it:

Best to luck to all and if you want to come by the next shindig - watch for details over at
my place. All the best and may the good football be yours. CHEERS!

ps - GO Bills!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

La Machine Faces Pivotal Game vs. Ramblers

I blame Santana Moss and the Eagles defense for my loss to What the Canuck last week. And Bush. No not Reggie, George W.

If my team had won, my opponent What the Canuck surely would have been crying about how his binky, Trent Edwards got a bump on the noggin resulting in zero quartback points.


So now my season and everything that means anything in my life is riding on the pivotal Week Six match-up with the 4-1 Ramblers. To some it is only a hobby but to me it is the world. If I lose this game I will spend the remaining days of my life in dark solitude drinking myself into a Jack Daniels bottle occasionally coming out to yell at the kids hanging around on my lawn or look out the window every time a car drives by.

Then after years have gone by I will have built up decades of misplaced anger. I will purchase firearms and die in a shootout with the police over being harassed because I just wanted some food...

Chris: There wouldn't be no trouble except for that king shit cop! All I wanted was something to eat. But the man kept pushing Sir.
Trautman: Well you did some pushing on your own Chris.
Chris: They drew first blood, not me.
Trautman: Look Chris, let me come in and get you the hell out of there!
Chris: They drew first blood...

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Is that all you got, pussy?

What does Renal Failure's brutal 55-point Week 5 loss to Predator Press tell us? Other than the fact that Eli Manning, Andre Johnson, and Brandon Jacobs put up more points than the entire starting Renal Roster (which wouldn't be true if DeSean Jackson's punt return touchdown counted toward his point total, but for the love of Zod those three put up Tecmo Bowl numbers)...

If you want to beat Renal Failure, you'd better bring it and bring it hard. Real hard.

Three of Renal Failure's four losses have come against opponents who scored more than 120 points that week. La Machine put up 123 in Week 2. Fantasy Virgin scored 121 in Week 4. Predator Press racked up a Week 5 high 128, a season high for any team in the league.

So if you want to win against Renal Failure, you'd better be prepared to put up a ridiculous amount of points. So are you, White Strypers? Are you prepared to do that? Do you think that you can put up 120+ points with your lineup? Because if you're not, just give Renal Failure the win and save Yahoo! Sports the trouble of calculating our point totals.

Also: Renal Failure should be ranked #5 in the HBFFL Power Rankings, because of the great amount of power it has taken others to keep Renal Failure in the Shadow Zone of being 1-4.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Enjoying the cheese and whine at 4-1

"You're killing me, Petey! You're killing me!" is a line from one of my favorite football movies Remember the Titans.

This time of year, it's the bye weeks that are killing me, and not to mention the injuries early this season to my stud players, Brian Westbrook and Willie Parker, and then the off-field activities of my stud wide receiver Plaxico Burress. Dude, talk to your coaches when you're not going to be at practice. I mean, I have to tell my bosses when I'm not going to be at work, and I don't get paid millions of dollars; in fact, I'm getting minimum wage at my one job and I still have to let them know when I'm not available-- or I'm not showing up.

So let's take a look at my game last week against Rickey of Riding with Rickey with his team The Menschwarmers player-by-player (on my side) and by the percentages:

Aaron Rodgers: Sometimes the number lie. He was used in only 32 percent of public leagues yet still racked up 38 points. Take that, Brett Favre! Who's Crying Now?

T.J. Houshmandzadeh: Okay, wait, sometimes the numbers don't lie. Is it any wonder that T.J. Houshmandzadeh was used in 87 percent of public leagues last week? Even though his Bengals lost to the Cowboys, he still was able to get two touchdowns. Thank, you Who's My Daddy. You are, by the way-- at least to me after leading my top to the last year in fantasy football and still doing it this year; even if your team sucks, you don't.

Bobby Engram: Having to sit Jerricho Cotchery on the bench, I added Engram for a week and got at least a few points from him. He was used in only 18 percent of public leagues, but still managed get six points for me. Better than the zero I would have gotten if I left Cotch on the roster.

Correll Buckhalter: I didn't change my roster Saturday night and by the time I remembered Sunday morning, waa, waa, waaa, throw me a pity party, it was too late so I ended up using the player used (understandably) in only 12 percent of public leagues. It was time for Westbrook (used in 72 percent of public leagues) to shine again-- and uh, get injured again. Two broken ribs. I'm still glad I have Buckhalter at backup-- for now.

Dallas Clark: Not stellar numbers, but used in 70 percent of public leagues, he came up with eight points. I'll take it.

Larry Johnson: Uh, those numbers, they do too lie. Used in 86 percent of public leagues, he failed miserably with zero points. At least, one of the Penn State alum played well for me this week, L.J. Otherwise, I'd have to bitchslap you (uh, in my dreams).

Nate Kaeding: Those numbers really lie. Used in 91 percent of public leagues, he fell short of expectations with a mere four points; meanwhile, John Kasay, used in 48 percent of public leagues, sat on my bench and kicked his way to 10 points.

Pittsburgh Defense: Damned numbers. A measly three points, despite being used in 79 percent of public leagues. Arizona's D meanwhile used in only 12 percent of public leagues racked up 13 points against Buffalo.

On my opponent's Rickey's side, while last week I didn't see anything when AoE's team didn't bring in a player from the bench and let a player who had a bye week play, this week I have to say something since it was the second week in a row that it happened. Rickey didn't put in Donald Lee to replace Kellen Winslow at tight end, who had a bye. Rickey gave up eight points there.

Then he could have had at least two more points if he had put in Brandon Marshall played in 96 percent of public leagues (96 PERCENT, you read that right) instead of leaving Marques Colston, played in only 11 percent of public leagues, in the game. And speaking of low percentages, drop Jerry Porter, Rickey, who is being played in only 6 percent of public leagues. There has to be somebody on the waiver wire.

So Rickey could have had 10 more points. He still would have lost to me, true, so the numbers really don't lie, but it wouldn't have been the ass beating it was that I gave him. Sorry, dude, but I did.

You can beg all you want for me not to give you a further beatdown while you're down there, but I did. Yeah, yeah, you might have stolen a base, but we're playing football, be-yotch.

Honestly, I think Rickey's been too worried about this bailout stuff, elections and oh, the Mets getting their own asses beat to focus. Focus, Rickster, focus. Elections schmelections. Whatever. Bailout....blah blah blah. Mets Yankees let's face it all N.Y. teams sucked this year in baseball (and I'm a Yankees fan, yeah, you got something to say about that?) You're forgetting the important things in life: fantasy football!

Tune in next week, after The 5-1 Ramblers defeat the 3-3 La Machine and the ass beating continues, despite what the percentages may say.