Friday, August 31, 2018

The World is Not Enough

LOBO -Predator Press

Want to join the head-to-head bloodbath of the HBFFL v FTWL?

I certainly wouldn't, because all my bones would stick out in the wrong places and I hate all that messy bleeding.

But if you aren't a yellow-bellied chicken like Chris Cameron, you should join the -um- "HTWLBFL" (still working on a spectacular Scrabble scoring name).

SPARTA ... !!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Woe To Thee

LOBO -Predator Press

With all my job travel, it was a friggin' miracle I could make the live draft this year. And I don't take friggin' miracles lightly.

Read the Bible! Jesus Christ [*SPOILER ALERT*] died for all your sins, and cleared the way so I could punish this sinful league with ruthless and relentless smiting. Prepare to be ruthlessly and relentlessly smoten!  In the name of Christian Peace and Love, Jesus and I shall crush thy bones into a proper thick paste that I can spackle the holes Comcast left in the wall of my rental apartment -all so we can Forgive you at some point in Eternity (probably).

Thy comeuppance shall be tenfold in 2015! Barring The Rapture, J.C. and I will gleefully be dancing, squishing our toes in the entrails of all who oppose us in Week 16.

Gangnam Style.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

We Will Watch O'er Ramparts When They Come On Netflix

LOBO -Predator Press

Statistically eliminated from the playoffs, our beloved Preds have only two weeks left in our season. 

Nonetheless, we suit up.  We fire up.  Week 13 [Future Ex-Cons] and 14 [Renal Failure] will find the mighty Preds undefeated in spirit.


We, the Preds, have something rare and precious on our side, something that makes us impervious to doubt.  Something special, that makes us play harder when there is nothing to gain.  Something that chases away the creeping, cloying darkness of surrendered hearts.  Something that transcends the statistics and scorecards, innate and priceless, burned into our very souls, that cannot be stolen, bought, found, or taught.  Something that drives us to stand and deliver against all odds, and play the best damn football we ever have.  Something that could potentially send either or both of two 2014 playoff hopefuls sprawling to obscurity.

And that something is spite.

(Plus I'll bench my starters for 2015 draft picks)

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Week 12: Oh now you want to play fantasy football!

by Renal Failure

Yeah, really Meaty Clackers...

In past HBFFL seasons there's been the issue of absentee owners, those who have bailed on their teams in the last half of the season when competing for a playoff spot has been rendered a bitter memory. And Meaty Clackers qualified as one through Weeks 10 and 11 keeping Nick Foles in as QB and not swapping out injured or bye week players. So when the Clackers appeared on the schedule for a Week 12 game with the People's Champion Renal Failure we thought we'd have as easy a time as Future Ex-Cons did winning 45-32 in Week 11.

Why would you start playing for real now???
BUT NO!  For reasons unknown, the Clackers decided this was week to field an actual competitive team.  And compete they did, putting up a season high 133 points in Week 13 against Renal Failure.  If they had done something similar in Week 10 we'd be in 4th place instead of one game out of the playoffs.

Luckily the People's Champion put up 144. Drew Brees came through with 37 points on Monday night to clinch our victory.  Alfred Morris put up 23.  Demaryius Thomas excelled in the absence of the other Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders with 26 points. The Eagles D bailed us out with 18 points. And Billy Cundiff showed why is he the HBFFL's kicker of legend with a 14 point day.

So Renal Failure finds themselves at 7-5, still in 5th place behind the Patriots who managed to beat Cranberry Sauce 102-83.  Future Ex-Cons stayed ahead with a victory over The DreamCrushers and Mile High Club blew out Bald Spots.  But Renal Failure is 3rd in Points For in the HBFFL, so if we can force a tiebreaker situation we're almost guaranteed to win.

All the other teams in the lower half of the league (Predator Press, Cranberry Sauce, Bald Spots, Meaty Clackers, Bourbon Blasters) have been eliminated, but it does not mean that any of the Top Four have clinched a spot.  The 9-3 teams (DreamCrushers!, Mile High, and Ex-Cons) need one more win to clinch a spot because if any of them lose their remaining two games and Renal Failure wins their remaining two then it would force a tiebreaker which would likely favor the People's Champ.

Happy Thanksgiving to those who had Calvin Johnson in their lineups in Week 13... like we did in the FTWL.

The Patriots at 8-4 are the closest target for Renal Failure and with Mile High Club (the #1 scoring team in the league) and a recently awakened Meaty Clacker squad left on their schedule they could be the most vulnerable for collapse.

But Renal Failure needs to get through The DreamCrushers! in Week 13, but your People's Champ is projected as a 117-100 winner in this matchup so that's good.  That gives us a bit of wiggle room in a league where it is severely lacking. 

We're getting down to the wire here, and one out of five teams is going to get fucked out of playoff spot.  We're hoping it's not Renal Failure.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion and is 6-5 in the FTWL but is in 4th place where we have the 2nd highest points scored total. We're making the playoffs in at least one of these damn leagues.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Week 11: Every Steeler Except Ours Scored Big

slapped together by Renal Failure

We don't even have time this week for videos.

Our three-game win streak came to an end at the hands of Mile High Club 115-89.  Antonio Brown and Le'Veon Bell had huge games on Monday night, and our Steeler Martavius Bryant (who had been lighting it up) didn't show up.  Drew Brees had such a bad day that Jay Cutler doubled him up on points.  Even Billy Cundiff soiled the sheets with a 1-point day after weeks of steady kicking.

So the bad news is we remain in 5th and Future Ex-Cons won to jump ahead in the standings. The good news is that the Patriots lost and we're only a game behind them and we have a 60-point advantage in the tie-breaker. Even better news, this week we face Meaty Clackers and they've barely been putting a team on the field the past couple weeks (just ask the Ex-Cons who won 45-32 over the Clackers because the Clackers had three empty spots in their starting lineup).

Playoff implication talk
DreamCrushers! at 9-2 are in with one more win, but they have the toughest schedule out of the remaining relevant teams with Ex-Cons, Renal Failure, and Bald Spots (who beat the Patriots this past week) left on the docket.

Mile High Club at 8-3 needs two wins to clinch or one and some help to clinch.  Their remaining games aren't too scary with Bald Spots, Patriots, and Cranberry Sauce left to play.  Two wins seems pretty likely on their end.

Same deal for 8-3 Future Ex-Cons but their path to the playoffs may be more treacherous.  After the DreamCrushers! this week they play the Predator Press and Bourbon Blasters who, while at the bottom of the standings, have never been easy wins. Ex-Cons could only get one win out of their next three, but that might be enough to get them in.

If you're going to win at fantasy football,
you gotta throw a few bears into deep orbit

Patriots at 7-4 are currently on a three game losing streak, but they have an easy schedule with Cranberry Sauce this week, Mile High in Week 13, then a gimmie game against Meaty Clackers to end the season.  If they can get to 9 wins, they'll probably get in.

Renal Failure at 6-5 needs to take care of business this week with the Clackers, score an upset over DreamCrushers! then finish strong vs. Predator Press to get to 9 wins and have a chance at the playoffs because no one above them, not even the Patriots, are likely to crash and burn in all their remaining games. 

Technically Cranberry Sauce and Bald Spots have an outside chance of getting in, which would require Renal Failure and the Patriots to go 0-3 in these remaining weeks and Sauce and Spots to win all of their remaining games to force a tie-breaker between themselves and the Patriots, which would probably go to Cranberry Sauce because they have 83 more points than the Bald Spots. 

Bye weeks are over for the Renal roster, so we're coming full strength for the rest of the season. We have no injury issues, but we've got the depth to deal with it if necessary.  We're looking forward to being in the hunt till the very last week, and the People have faith that their champion will be playoff bound in 2014.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of fantasy football. We are also 6-5 in the FTWL with two other teams. That playoff race is much more interesting.