Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The People's Retrospective on the 2008 Season

Well, the People's Champion Renal Failure finished a disappointing seventh place in the inaugural season of the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. But the People's Champion is far from disappointed. It was a hell of a fun season and we were happy to be part of it, even when we started 1-4. So now we want to look back on this past season and highlight some of the People's high and low points.

The People's MVP: Arizona WR Larry Fitzgerald. Week in and week out, only Fitzgerald provided consistent quality performances, starting for the Failure every week (except of course his bye week). He ended the season leading the HBFFL in points by a wide receiver with 245. Coming in a close second was San Diego QB Philip Rivers who finished fourth in points among QB's.

The People's Best Free Agent: Tennessee RB Chris Johnson. We picked him up early in the season when it became apparent that Joseph Addai was not going to be the productive high draft pick the so-called experts had claimed. And the move paid off. Johnson put up 214 points to Addai's 114 and gave the People's Champion much needed stability at running back. Now if only LenDale White didn't vulture so many TD's from Johnson...

The People's Biggest Failure: Cincinnati QB Carson Palmer. It's a double failure here. One because of his dismal performance at the beginning of the year and Two because we started him for those first two games instead of Philip Rivers, which definitely contributed to our dismal 0-2 start. And though fellow disappointment Addai was drafted higher, Carson was nowhere near as useful as Addai was (if only for a few weeks).

The People's Bipolar Award: Jacksonville RB Maurice Jones-Drew. He either put up 40 points or four. Every week was a roll of the dice. The People sure love excitement.

The People's How the Hell Did We Get Him Award?
A tie between Houston RB Steve Slaton and New England QB Matt Cassel. The Ramblers released Slaton mid-season and the People welcomed him in off the waiver wire, an event that still shocks us to this day. Slaton had more points at the end of the season than all of the Rambler running backs, including Brian Westbrook.

Cassel was a late-season pick-up and insurance policy if anything happened to star QB Philip Rivers, but we were surprised to see that What the Canuck? had not picked him up to replace the injured Tom Brady. Cassel ended the season with more points than Canuck's Brett Favre and Trent Edwards.

The People's Ace in the Hole: Our defense and kickers. The Philadelphia Eagles were the top scoring defense in the HBFFL and Eagles' kicker David Akers was the league's second-leading kicker. With Tennessee kicker Rob Bironas (1oth) and Chicago's D (5th) backing them up, Renal Failure found unconventional ways to put points on the board.

The People's Scourge: Dallas Fucking Clark. Forget our Week 13 loss to Fantasy Virgin, this is why we didn't make the playoffs.

This was Renal Failure's first ever fantasy football season and we look forward to coming back next year to represent The People.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Fantasy Virgin Wins HBFFL Super Bowl

Folks, if you are just tuning in, I'm Greg Gumbel. Usually that is all you need to know but if you really want the HBFFL Super Bowl results, Leigh from Leigh Online's fantasy football team Fantasy Virgin have beaten Chris Cameron's team, La Machine 95-94.

We now go live to Jim Nantz who's standing by at the Super Bowl award ceremony, sponsored by Iced Gravy. Nothing refreshes like Iced Gravy. Try the new veal and pork flavors today at your local Kroger's. Jim?

So I said rectum, it damn near killed 'em! What we're live?

I'm Jim Nantz and here is the HBFFL's commisioner, Chris Cameron to present both the Championship and the MVP trophy in what was an amazing season of fantasy football. Chris?

Thanks Jim, Greg, and to everyone involved in our first season of the HBFFL. It was a fun ride and there were lots of twists and turns, especially when our league lost its only sponsor, IndyMac. We found another sponsor and even our worst teams won more games then the Detroit Lions. In the end the two best teams played each other in a championship match for the ages.

On behalf of the HBFFL I am proud to present the 2008 Chico's Bail Bonds Championship Trophy to Leigh and the Fantasy Virgins. Congratulations Leigh.

The 2008 HBFFL Super Bowl MVP is awarded to the highest-scoring player in the Championship game. This year the award goes to quarterback Jay Cutler who threw for 359 yards and two touchdowns. He also ran for 30 yards. Congratulations Jay.


[Don't forget to see what Rambler got you all for Christmas.]

Secret Santa visits the HBFFL for Tuesday Morning QB

It's only appropriate that our league's season winds down right near Christmas. So in the spirit of Christmas, here's what Secret Santa (not so secret really) has for the members of our league, from 1 to 9.

For Leigh, our champion: something from The King.

For Chris, who lost only by one point: your own Crown Royal for putting up such a good fight. Just be careful, you don't get bitten.

For Matt, who lost by a few more than that to the third place Ramblers, thanks to Kurt Warner's 1-point performance: a partial-frontal view of what Secret Santa would guess is your favorite drummer based on the name of your team.

For Paula, who took fifth place in the league, and who last week challenged Leigh to a fight: here's a lesson from Amanda Bynes on how to fight (or not):

Lobo from Predator Press: A basket of kittens, because earlier in the season, you said your team feeds on them.

Renal Failure: Power to The People, Right On! Hopefully next season, this will help, my brother.

A0E: Another term in office. Secret Santa is missing your blog posts. No joke.


Rickey: A book you might want to read before next season. Luckily, there's some in stock.

And, since you might not be into the Christmas thang, here's a song for you:

And to all a good night, no matter what you're celebrating. Happy Holidays!

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Last Week of the HBFFL Season

Man time flew by didn't it? Here we are already at the end of our first season. Before we give last call to the HBFFL for 2008 we do have a few more games left to play.

Here we go...

We've got me versus Leigh in the HBFFL Super Bowl. We have The Ramblers and The White Strypers playing for third place. Googly Eyed Goons faces Predator Press for fifth place and Renal Failure meets The Crooks for seventh place.

What about the awesome NFL matchups this weekend as a bonus? Carolina plays the Giants for the #1 seed. New England and Arizona will be playing in a snowstorm. Pittsburgh faces Tennessee in a game that determines the #1 seed in the AFC.

As for my Superbowl matchup this week, I feel like Neo in the Burly Brawl going up against Leigh...

She has Drew Brees, Micheal Turner, and Adrian Peterson. I have a questionable Clinton Portis, a Sammy Morris who will be playing in a snowstorm, and a Frank Gore who is a game-time decision.

Don't cry for me Argentina. I still have Cutler and McNabb, who is a fantasy football point mecca right now as another QB option. I also have T-Gon, Santana Moss, and Kevin Walter.

I'll bring the noise no matter what, isn't that right Chuck D?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Tuesday Afternoon Quarterback: Sorry, I couldn't muster up energy for morning

The first time we played this season Leigh spanked me 107-78, I wrote this: in which I recounted past traumas of getting beaten up by girls.

The second time, she spanked me 168-67, I wrote this, and then even crowned her the Queen of the HBFFL:

And now she’s spanked me again, 117-88, this time in the most humiliating defeat of all, as with her victory, she goes on to the championship game against Chris Cameron, and with my loss, I go to face Matt with his White Strypers for the third time. At least, he didn’t me spank me both times we faced each other.

The first time, I demolished him 112-62, and then the second time he thought that 62 sounded so good that he held me to that same number as he scored 101 points.

In those first few posts about Leigh, I included all kinds of "poorly photoshopped crap" as my friend Poobomber over at The Other Side of Normal or "Mad Photoshopping Skillz" as I call them here and on my own blog. This time, I don’t think I can muster up the energy to "design" one.

Leigh has zapped me of all my energy.

Instead, I found a picture online that I think sums up how I feel. To see how I feel, click here.

Yep, that bad.

I’ve learned that Leigh is neither a fantasy virgin nor a fantasy slut. No, she is a fantasy dominatrix who will just leave you like that picture on the streets of Soho.

At least, that’s how I feel after this season.

Thanks, Leigh, for making my life a miserable hell. I just hope I can make it back to full strength for this weekend in time to face Matt.

Monday, December 15, 2008

La Machine Rolls Along In Playoffs

What was that they say about the third time?

I played The White Strypers twice during the regular season and lost both times.

Welker and Warner helped them but in the end they could not counter the point production of Tony Gonzalez, Santana Moss, and my late-season pickup Sammy Morris.

After three tries I finally beat The White Strypers which leads to the obvious question...who do I face in the Finals?

Fantasy Virgin has a twelve-point cushion but Rambler has Brian Westbrook going tonight.

EDIT: I'm an idiot. Leigh is up 117-85 which is a 32-point cushion. Unless Westbrook has a big game which is possible I will face The Fantasy Virgin in the playoffs.

On a side note the two teams that lose this week in both the playoffs and the consolation rounds play for 3rd and 7th place respectively in week 16.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Upping the Ante

I was in the middle of writing this Thursday during the ice storm in New England. Talk about gambling. The electricity flirted with being on and off until finally at 1:30 am there was a large noise outside like something huge powering down and then no power until midnight Friday. Got cable, hot water, and heat back today. Tomorrow morning will be my first shower in four days. I'm lucky. Some towns and cities like Derry, NH with a population of over 30,000 are out until next week.

On a lighter note I've got a bet to make things more interesting...

I will bet a guest post on my winning the Championship. If I do not go 2-0 I will write a guest post for the League Champion.

Any of the other three playoff teams want to wager a guest post they win it all? Same bet, you win I post for you, you lose you post for league champion.

I'll even go a step further.

If any of the other six teams want to get in on the bet here is your chance. If I win you write a post for me. If I lose I write a post for you.

You have to specifically say you want to be in any of these bets though, it isn't carte blanc for the entire league.

What say you?

Monday, December 8, 2008

Nyuh, THIS is IT!

I'm foregoing my usual Tuesday Morning Quarterback, and because with no players left to play, Rickey has lost this week's fantasy game to me 112-15 (so far, and I still have one player left to play), I'm just cutting right to the chase for a special edition on Monday Morning! Yay! Aren't you (well, except Rickey) happy about that?

In the last post when Chris said "This is it," he left a YouTube video to accompany his post from the song "If this is it" from Huey Lewis and the News (I won't repeat the abomination). I, for one, was disappointed, because when I think of "This is it", the song of which I think is this one:

Admittedly, I usually don't think of Kenny looking like Jesus holding a glowing orb that looks like one of the palantírs. However, when I think of the song "This is it," this is what immediately comes to mind, not Huey Lewis.

Also while we're admitting things here, I admit that I'd much rather look at bikini-clad women at least for part of Huey's video than stare at that picture of Kenny for 3 minutes and 59 seconds. I even asked my wife of what song she thought when I said "This is it", and she said the Kenny Loggins song.

So there, Chris.


Am I going to talk about fantasy football? Oh, yes. But I just first needed to clear the air about my thoughts on the "This is it" debacle.

And unlike where Chris wrote "This is it!", now this really is it as the playoffs begin. He and I clinched the last two spots with our victories. Chris won (so far 110-38) his game against Canucklehead unless Tampa Bay's Antonio Bryant has a jaw-dropping game to make up the 71-point margin, but somehow methinks not (sorry, Canucklehead, but it's true).

At last check, I will be facing off against my nemesis Leigh, coach of the wrongly-named Fantasy Virgin team in the first round of the playoffs next week. In our first game, she spanked me and in our second meeting, she spanked me again. Fantasy virgin, my ass (literally!).

This time I make no predictions. I will not taunt. I will not be a douche bag (I have enough of them on my team, thank you very much). I will just say this:
Let the best MAN win.
Hopefully, I don't flub it like this "best man":

although, one last admission, I hope to knock Leigh off her pedestal.

Friday, December 5, 2008

This Is It

Week Fourteen, the last of the regular season for our inaugural run of the HBFFL has arrived. Three teams are viably fighting for the last two playoff spots. A fourth has an outside chance. There also is the Consolation Bowl for the #5-8 teams.

I just hope none of the games are on Shabbos cause I sure as shit don't f-ing roll!

We know that Fantasy Virgin, thanks to a lot of spanking of opponents and a five-game win streak has clinched a playoff spot. We know that The White Strypers won a key game vs La Machine last week and they clinched.

What about the 3rd and 4th seeds you ask? And the Runner-Up Bowl? Here we go...

The #3 and 4 spots are still up for grabs and the winner of the Renal Failure/Predator Press matchup still has a shot at the playoffs as well. Well, RF more then LOBO due to points. More on that below...

The numbers in parentheses are the points scored differentials.

La Machine clinches with:

-a win
-a loss and a Renal Failure loss
-a loss, a Renal Failure win, and higher points then Renal Failure (+16)
-a loss, a Predator Press win, and higher points then Predator Press (+132)
-a loss, a Renal Failure win, a Ramblers loss, and higher points then Ramblers (+31)

Ramblers clinch with:

-a win
-a loss and a Renal Failure loss
-a loss, a Renal Failure win, and higher points then Renal Failure (-25)
-a loss, a Predator Press win, and higher points then Predator Press (+101)
-a loss, a Renal Failure win, a La Machine Loss loss, and higher points then La Machine (-31)

Renal Failure clinches with:

-a win and a loss by the Ramblers and higher points scored then Ramblers (+25)
-a win and a loss by LaMachine and higher points scored then LaMachine (-16)
-a win and a loss by both teams and higher points scored then at least one of them (-16, +25)

Predator Press clinches with:

-a win and a loss by the Ramblers and higher points scored then Ramblers (-101)
-a win and a loss by LaMachine and higher points scored then LaMachine (-132)
-a win and a loss by both teams and higher points scored then at least one of them (-101, -132)

In the Consolation Bowl the Crooks have the #7 spot locked up and #5-6 depend on the outcome of three matchups.

The Goons and Canucks face off for the #8 spot.

Good luck everyone and may the force be with you.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


I started the year with such high hopes. Those hopes lasted about 8 seconds until my starting QB, Tom Brady (who I don't even like - but how can you release him?) went down. In retrospect, I guess I should have known then - yet I perservered, but sadly did not prevailed.

Well, at this point all I can do is try to save face ... go out on a high note - maybe set an example for my beloved Bills. We both started out well but eventually went down like a drunk socialite at last call. Next year. It has become my mantra ... next year. I wish all of my fellow competitors all the best as we head down the home stretch. I'd like to end on a positive note, you know - it's been fun or some other crap I don't really believe. Here it is - next year I will crush you all. Like bugs. Book it. Done. In the meantime, you can find me plotting my revenge HERE.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Won't Someone Think of the People?

Week 13 for the Failure...

When you shoot at the Queen, you'd better not miss.

The People's Champion missed hardcore in Week 13, losing 119-98. Things looked particularly good after Thursday's Thanksgiving games, then we had a Mets-like collapse (sorry Rickey, we're angry and blindly lashing out in pain here). Now we're on the outside looking in regarding the Real Playoffs and we need the Hand of God, the Elbow of Allah, and the Shoulder of Zoroaster to slip in as the Four Seed (which would pit us against The Queen again, won't that be nice...).

So let's dole out the blame for why the only thing the People's Champion is Championing is either fifth or sixth place...

For starters Renal Failure ourselves are to blame for playing Hines Ward and Maurice Jones-Drew instead of Bernard "99-yard TD reception" Berrian and Steve "35 Fantasy Points" Slaton. Actually, Paula is partly to blame because I wanted to trade Jones-Drew for Roddy White before the deadline and she didn't go for it. If she had, I would have played Slaton and the People would be in a much better mood today.

I blame Philip Rivers for not showing up this Sunday. Though I also have to blame backup Matt Cassel for putting up the same amount of dismal points, thereby tempering my fury at Rivers.

I blame the Chicago Bears defense for only putting up 4 points and for letting Adrian Peterson put up big numbers on them.

But woe to Predator Press if they think The People's Champion will go out quietly in this last game of the regular season. The People's Champion will go out loud and obnoxiously, with possibly some crying too. Because that's how the People roll.

Tuesday Morning QB: Douche bag No. 1 in the NFL

In an earlier post this season, I singled out this guy

Larry Johnson

for being one of these


, i.e. douchebag (sic), after facing his third assault charge against a woman in five years.

Since then, I've learned a couple of things:
  1. The correct spelling of douche bag is two words, according to Katie Keenan from Columbia University.
  2. Johnson is now facing another assault charge as a result of an incident after my original post.
  3. Johnson is not the biggest douche bag in the NFL.


Yes, by virtue of being charged with not just one, but two felony counts of criminal possession of a weapon in the second degree Monday, Plaxico Burress has claimed the throne, for now, of No. 1 douche bag in the NFL. According to an ESPN article,

Burress, who accidentally shot himself Friday night in the right thigh at a Manhattan nightclub, did not enter a plea on the class C felony charges, though his attorney said Burress planned to plead not guilty.
Great quotes from the article include this quote from his lawyer, Benjamim Brafman:

"He is standing tall. He is a mature adult."
Uh, huh, sure.

And this quote from Paul Browne, NYP Deputy Commissioner for Public Information:
"It was a universe of silence after this shooting."
I, for one, as an owner of Burress on my fantasy squad, will not be silent. I will be benching him in favor of Domenik Hixon, who I picked up today off the free agency list. I'd like to kick his ass to the curb but under the rules of our league (no, honest) he is an undroppable player-- and I don't think anyone is going to want to trade for him. Anyone want a gunshot player, who already had a hamstring injury? Anyone? If so, let me know. I'll be happy to trade him for whatever douche bag you can offer.


Oh, yeah, FYI: Like the Giants this past week, I did win this past week, despite not having Burress in my lineup. Next up: The Menschwarmers, and then if I win, I get to face Leigh, who already has spanked me twice, in the first round of the playoffs.