HBFFL 500th post - 2014 Yahoo! Draft Grade

by Renal Failure

 

This is what we do when you draft a player we want right before it's our turn...

The end of August means the start of fantasy football (and actual NFL football), and that means the HBFFL is gearing up for its 7th season.  There are some new faces in the crowd as we've moved away from the Humor Blogger requisite of our league, much how like everyone forgot Richie Cunningham on Happy Days had an older brother.

The 2014 HBFFL draft was held this past Tuesday and the grades from Yahoo! are in.  Let's see what the algorithm bots have to say about who will dominate the season.

"Is this who's left on the draft board???"

The Patriots - Grade: A - Projected Record: 10-4 (3rd place)
One of our newbies in the HBFFL, Yahoo! liked them the best with their draft, though strangely projects them to finish 3rd.  They went with the tried and true Renal Failure strategy of loading up on RB's, taking Eddie Lacy, DeMarco Murray, and Giovani Bernard with their first three picks.  They grabbed Matty Ice as their QB, a solid choice. They'll be leaning on Randall Cobb for WR production, but may be relying too much on Vernon Davis at TE.  Your People's Champ wouldn't have given them an A rating just because they chose two kickers and one of them is the suspended Matt Prater.

Cranberry Sauce - Grade: B+ - Projected Record: 11-3 (2nd place)
The newcomers know their stuff according to the Yahoo! bots.  Jamaal Charles with the 2nd pick will be their focus at RB because the other RB's (Shane Vereen, DeAngelo Williams, James Starks) don't scare anyone.  They loaded up at WR with Jordy Nelson and Alshon Jeffrey, and they got the best value of the 5th round by taking the Seattle Defense, which is about the only defense you can unequivocally count on in 2014. Cranberry won't have to worry much if Matt Stafford goes down with Philip Rivers behind him. But in Renal Failure's opinion, Cranberry should be knocked down to a D in this draft for ruining our plan to take Johnny Manziel with the final pick of the draft to make a very clever Mr. Irrelevance joke.  To be fair, we did tell people we were going to do it, but that's because it was too good not to share.

And now "Deep Thoughts by Eli Manning"

Bald Spots - Grade: B+ - Projected Record 9-5 (4th place)
The HBFFL vet went WR heavy with Megatron, Brandon Marshall, and Victor Cruz in the first four rounds, which Yahoo! says is the best WR trio in the HBFFL. He'll be hoping RB Andre Ellington comes through, despite playing for Arizona.  Speaking of Arizona, their D should be solid again this year. We're not sold on his taking Cam Newton as his QB considering he has no one to throw to in Carolina, and if he spends all his time running that ups his chance of getting injured. Backup QB Eli Manning doesn't scare anyone.  And Rob Gronkowski's injury issues may bite Bald Spots when he can least afford to be bitten.  Still, you can't rule out a team with Megatron on the roster.

Bourbon Blasters - Grade: B - Projected Record 6-8 (7th place)
This is the rare year that the Blasters do not have Drew Brees as their QB, but Aaron Rodgers ain't a bad replacement.  The Blasters will be leaning on Adrian Peterson and Frank Gore for running points, but they're not getting any younger.  Andre Johnson might be the only receiving threat for the Texans, but do you want to put your faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick getting the ball to him (why do you think no one won with Bills receivers the past couple seasons)?  He'll get more production from Julius Thomas and Julian Edelman, but Joe has no Drew Brees so he gets no playoffs.  But Yahoo! thinks you draft handsomely.  Also we're not sold on Percy Harvin, but Dennis Pitta is a nice TE option.

Hey LOBO, resolve to fix your autodraft rankings

Predator Press - Grade: B - Projected Record 7-7 (5th place)
Your runner-up in last year's Humor Bowl will have to scrap a bit to get back there according to the Yahoo! bots. though there's a lot to disagree with.  Jimmy Graham in the first round was the 2nd best receiving threat in the Top 10 behind Megatron but LOBO was right to feel weird about drafting a TE with their first pick.  A.J. Green is another solid WR to build the team around.  But the RB situation is a bit dicey.  Le'Veon Bell is in drug trouble and Toby Gerhart is Toby Gerhart.  Colin Kaepernick will probably be able to bail out PredPress in some tight games, but if he goes down we're not sold on him being able to rely on RGIII.  Also, LOBO's autodrafter took Wes Welker way too high for someone with who just got his 3rd concussion in the past two years.  But like us LOBO lives for waiver wire pickups so he's got a puncher's chance of sneaking into the playoffs.

Future Ex-Cons (Defending HBFFL champion) - Grade: B - Projected Record 12-2 (1st place)
Troi's chances of winning a third consecutive Humor Bowl are looking good according to the Yahoo! bots, a lot of it due to having the weakest projected schedule (something RF rode hard on last year to get into the playoffs).  But they may have stumbled out of the gate by taking Drew Brees AND Peyton Manning with their first two picks.  This sort of trade bait scenario rarely works (we know, because we've tried it in the past, e.g. the Tom Brady/RGIII 5-8-1 season of 2012).   We like Troi's choice of Zac Stacy in the 3rd round, seeing how we had Zac Stacy last season and he racked up mad points for us in our push to the playoffs.  Larry Fitzgerald in the 4th round is a steal.  DeSean Jackson in the 5th?  Eh... RGIII is not Nick Foles.  San Francisco's D in the 6th seemed a bit of a reach as did taking K Stephen Gostkowski in the 8th.  Troi will roll the dice with Marques Colston because Brees can't throw to Jimmy Graham all the time.  We're going to make an outlandish prediction here: Troi does not win his 3rd championship without trading Brees or Manning, and we don't think anyone's going to make that deal. We may be biased because teams have learned over the years to be wary of trades with Renal Failure (we are the devil!), but the HBFFL has never been a trade-heavy league.

You sleep on Renal Failure, you get snapped in half.

Renal Failure (aka the People's Champion) - Grade B-  - Projected Record 7-7 (6th place)
Yahoo! never understands or appreciates how we operate. That's why we're the Wild Card (bitches)!  Renal Failure ended up picking last in the draft order for the 2nd straight year, but that's okay because we were 10-4 in 2013.  Your People's Champ went with our tried and true method of loading up on RB's - going with Marshawn Lynch, Alfred Morris, and C.J. Spiller. Then we loaded up with a deep trio of WR's Demaryius Thomas, Jeremy Maclin, and Michael Crabtree.  Yahoo! says we took Tom Brady too early in the 5th round, but we couldn't count on quality QB's to be available around picks 70 and 71.  Yahoo! says we stole TE Jason Witten in the 10th round but we like getting Jay Cutler as our backup QB in the 8th round even more.  We rounded out our draft with some handcuff picks (Riley Cooper, Fred Jackson) and decided to gamble in the later rounds with some adventurous picks with Sammy Watkins, Zach Ertz, and (to make up for not getting Johnny Manziel with the last pick) Blake Bortles.  If these youngsters blossom like they're expected to, Renal Failure could rocket themselves into the playoffs yet again.  And if they don't, well that's why we pound that waiver wire like it owes us money (that's how over the past 6 years we were into CJ2K, DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, Brandon Lloyd, Zac Stacy, and Arcade Fire before everyone else was - just kidding about Arcade Fire, we don't see what the big deal is about them).

In tribute of Tom Brady's 60-point day in 2009

Manley's Book Club - Grade: C+ - Projected Record 4-10 (8th place)
This newbie to the HBFFL didn't get the Yahoo! draft love, but he did get Nick Foles who had a red hot 2013 and should continue throwing bears into outer space in 2014 (throwing bears into outer space being our term for ridiculously high fantasy football point performances).  We personally think he took Dez Bryant way too high, but we don't much care for Cowboys not named Jason Witten (Yahoo! thinks Bryant's going to lead all WR in points this year because of reasons too smart for us to understand).  Cordarelle Patterson is slated to have a breakout year at WR, which we agree with more seeing as someone has to catch the ball in Minnesota.  Doug Martin will grind out a lot of yards running for the Bucs, and if Montee Ball can stay competent he could get close to those inexplicable Knowshow Moreno numbers from last year (and just to be sure, Manley drafted Moreno too). We're not keen on him wasting a high pick on Roddy White, considering the shit season he had when he was on the Renal Roster last year.  Probably could have gotten him much later.

Sometimes you just get spittin' mad at your draft.

Purple Drank - Grade C - Projected Record 2-12 (9th place)  
The commish of the HBFFL never gets any love from the Yahoo! draft bots.  Things started off good with grabbing Matt Forte and Julio Jones.  Then things went wonky with taking WR Keenan Allen with the 3rd round pick.  Reggie Bush in the 4th round was pretty money, as was getting Andrew Luck in the 5th.  After that, the rest of his draft decisions don't inspire much emotion other than "Well, you're here, come along."  Joique Bell is Reggie Bush's handcuff, so that's something, but the Drank is rolling with two Saints RB's on the bench (Pierre Thomas and Mark Ingram) Who do you know in fantasy football who's gone anywhere in the last few year by relying on the Saints running game?  At least Tampa Bay's Defense is supposed to be good.

For when you don't make the consolation playoffs.

Mile High Club - Grade: D - Projected Record 2-12 (10th place)
Yahoo! loves and hates the HBFFL rookies.  Mile High was granted the 1st pick overall and took Renal Failure mainstay Shady McCoy (Your People's Champ are McCoy hipsters, we were starting him before it was cool).  WR Antonio Brown was a solid 2nd round pick.  Yahoo! especially liked his 3rd round selection of Arian Foster (hey, we had McCoy and Foster last year too - Mile High knows who to emulate for success).  TE Jordan Cameron is projected to be the only person on the Browns catching anything so take that as you will, and WR Vincent Jackson is slated to be the man in Tampa Bay.  Rounding out the lineup are QB Tony Romo and a nice pickup in Round 8 of WR Emmanuel Sanders.  But the problem is with the rest of Mile High's RB choices.  Trent Richardson and Maurice Jones-Drew (a former Renal Failure favorite) aren't going to make teams lose sleep.  And Dwayne Bowe?  Sure, Renal Failure won a championship with him in 2010 but that was the last time he was ever useful.  Better hope Anquan Boldin still has some life left in those legs, or that RB Devonta Freeman breaks out in Atlanta.

We'll see in 16 weeks who the 2014 champ is, and who are the teams that really wanted to forget the 2014 season.  Maybe we'll check with the teams who were ambivalent about their season, but they're less fun.   

Renal Failure is the People's Champion and original member of the HBFFL. We are the fantasy football team your league deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: I'm just not that brutal and neither are Greg Jennings and DeMarco Murray

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

Last week prior to my matchup with him, Renal Failure asked me if I was this brutal.

Even though he might not have known it then, my wife and I don't have children (by choice)... ...so the answer, before I even faced him, was HELL NO.

Yes, this is true:

Created by Oatmeal

But when you think about it, that's pretty sad. Renal Failure probably could take at least 30 Justin Biebers in a fight, spit them out for breakfast and then eat them again for lunch. Dinner? Forget it. He'd devour a posse of Jonas Brothers and Jonas Brothers wanna- bes without blinking an eye.

I was flinchingly unbrutal in my contest against RF this past weekend as my players let injuries get the best of them.

Sunday afternoon, Greg Jennings sprained his left knee in the third quarter of his Packers' game against the Raiders.

Then Sunday night, DeMarco Murray suffered a broken right ankle in the first quarter of his Cowboys' game against the Giants.

Instead of playing through their injuries and propelling me to an upset win over RF to keep the People's Defending Champion *spitting* out of the playoffs, they left their respective games...

....but not respectably as each only scored TWO fantasy points.

I told our league's commissioner, Chris Cameron, that I wouldn't use this word in this post. However, after both Jennings and Murray let me down to a 94-92 loss to RF, I'm going to say it:

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: What a difference a yard makes

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

With Michael Vick out, I couldn't have done things much differently than I did as I played Vince Young instead and escaped with a 72-68 win over Nonames.

I do have to give a special shout-out to New England kicker Stephen Gostkowski for his 10 points which allowed me to come back for the win...

...and an extra special shout-out to my opponent's quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, for only getting to 299 yards passing.

 

photo courtesy of Chris Garrison via Flickr 

Who's smiling now? Um, yeah, me. Thanks A-Rod.

In our league, if a quarterback gets to 300, he gets five extra fantasy points. At first, on Yahoo StatTracker, that yard appeared and the extra five points and then suddenly it was gone!

Like the Eagles, I might not be in playoff contention, but I'm sure not going to make it fun for my opponents along the way and see if I can knock them off their horses ready to ride into the winner's circle. After I'm done, maybe not so much.

A yard? A yard? My kingdom for a yard!

Tuesday Morning Quarter: Flop Eagles Flop

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.


Playing Purple Drank, I should have known better to drink any drank Sunday morning, but I did...I drank the drink some of the talking sports heads, namely over at Yahoo Fantasy Live, were pouring about the Eagles, as perhaps some of you also did. As a result, I lost to Drank by a score of 107 to 94.

Specifically, I guzzled the green concoction about DeSean Jackson being declared inactive for Sunday afternoon's game against the Arizona Cardinals, and how others would benefit: namely Jason Avant and Brent Celek. Immediately, I placed them in starting positions alongside quarterback Michael Vick. I mean, I had Tim Tebow on the bench. I couldn't have a prayer with him, could I? It's like he has some kind of inside track with God, right?

original photo courtesy of Open Sports via Flickr, with a little adaptation by me

True, Celek had 5 fantasy points to Owen Daniels' 3 on the bench, but still I expected more...like at least a touchdown against the putrid Arizona Cardinals. However, Avant was the one who really disappointed with his 0 fantasy points and not to be left out of any of this was Vick who ended the afternoon with 9 fantasy points where he was projected to have 23 by Yahoo (of course, dude had a legitimate excuse with two broken ribs).

...and at least, Avant almost got a touchdown, but as everyone knows almost doesn't count in football and tiddlywinks (okay, almost might count in tiddlywinks, but I'll leave that for the North American Tiddlywinks Association to decide). I should have just gone with the Saints' Marques Colston, who has been solid, if not inspiring. Even though he or a ball he was carrying didn't cross the goal line or the pylon, he still managed 16 fantasy points on eight grabs for 113 yards -- and, to boot, his team won.

All this might, just might, have been avoided if DeSean Jackon had gone to a special teams practice on Saturday. That was the reason he was declared inactive. However, if anything Philadelphia fans have learned over the years, it is this: Practice? It's no big deal. After all, it's not a game.

Detroit Rock City? Not anymore...

On Thanksgiving, at half-time of the Detroit Lions-Green Bay Packers game, this abomination of a group (and to boot, they're Canadian! get the fuck out of here, eh?) will perform:

photo courtesy of Daniel F. Pigatto on Flickr

At least, one Michigan resident said, "Hell to the NO!" (rumored to be the name of Nickelback's next big album because if anything, they're known for their ways of picking up on cliches and turning them into shit that sells) and put up an online petition that garnered more than 50,000 votes. However, the Lions still are allowing these Canadian posers to play.

And it's not as if Detroit doesn't have some of its own musicians that kick ass (actual ass and not lame ass as with Chad and the crew): Ted "The Motor City Madman" Nugent , Alice Cooper, The White Stripes, Kid Rock -- even Eminem, who at least grew up there, for Dr. Dre's sake.

My vote is for Alice Cooper because even when he's visiting another city, he knows its history:

Can you imagine Chad lecturing anyone on...I don't know...anything?

Plus the Detroit dude could write some trenchant lyrics like this:

Enough said.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: How to get the last laugh

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.


Say you're at the bottom of your league...or even say you're the top dog and just want to continue being the top dog, what can you do to pull yourself out of the basement into the light...or keep yourself at the top of the heap?

Play a defense that has no chance of hell of scoring any points and play them. Say the St. Louis Rams playing against the New Orleans Saints.

Before this weekend, you'd laugh me out of the Edward Jones Dome. It wouldn't be the first time that someone got guffawed out, and certainly won't be the last time that someone gets heckled out, of "The Ed" as locals like to call it. According to Wikipedia, from 2011 through 2013, the dome will host the world championships of an international high school robotics competition and the world championships of an international elementary school Lego robotics competition. You can't tell me there's going to be major laughing out of the dome there.

Back to the laughing out in the present or what should have been laughing out this past weekend: The Rams D was projected to score 3 points (I don't know how many actually, but I can imagine that it wasn't a hell of a lot) in fantasy against the vaunted Saints offense. Instead, the Rams D scored six times as much with 18 fantasy points.

Instead of picking the Rams D up, Chris Cameron, top dog in our league, played the Chiefs D, which scored a respectable 11 fantasy points, and his Purple Drank lost 99-96 to Troi's Future Ex-Cons. He could have won 103-96 but no, he didn't...and you know where he is now because of that loss?

Nowhere different. He's still the top dog...

...who's got the last laugh now? Yep, he does.

Bastard.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Countin' when the dealin's done

With Michael Vick on his bye week and Maurice Jones-Drew playing the highly-touted Ravens D, that's who I was this week: The Gambler.

I swallowed the fantasy football hype on Tim Tebow and DeMarco Murray hook, line and sinker, and I'm glad I did. I counted 125 points to Bourbon Blaster's 106 points, with a large portion of his points coming from  Drew "The No-Gamble" Brees.

My only error: I jumped on the Torain Train (perhaps a little too early, now with Tim Hightower out), who scored a whopping 0 points. MJD actually had 14 fantasy points and would have been the better play in the flex position.

So what's funny about this post? So far, nothing...

...except maybe for the name DeMarco.

Or how about Tebow?

Tea Bow? Tea Bough? Tee Bo, like Tae Bo? Which brings me in a roundabout way (thanks to a Google image search for Tae Bo) to something Mr. Tebow, being the über-Christian he is, probably has used in his workout routines since his homeschooling days:

photo courtesy of Frauenfelder via Flickr

Evidently Willis believes that yoga needs a Christian alternative and I'm thinking who better to promote her product than Tebow.

original photo courtesy of Open Sports via Flickr, with a little adaptation by me

I know. I know. The NFL bans such promotion underneath the eyes, but I'm imagining what this would be like in a perfect world where there didn't need to be a Christian alternative to yoga, because there would be no yoga.

Personally (at least for this week), I'm just glad there's a Tim Tebow.

Tuesday Morning QB: Don't call it a comeback...

...because it wasn't. I led the entire way and despite my mistake of playing a sleeper (Isaac Redman for 5 fantasy points) in place of the tried and true (either Jahvid Best with 29 fantasy points or Willis McGahee, 19), I still pulled off the victory 101-92 over Renal Failure.

It might have been a TKO, but it still was a KO.

Not that RF didn't try to mount the comeback, which sounds sort of dirty if you think about it too much, you perverts. Coming into last night's Lions-Bears game, he only had 59 points, but thanks to a mega-26 points from Megatron, off five receptions for 130 yards, and seven from Robbie Gould, RF got close but it was no cigar.

 RF does own a copy of Joe Dirt on DVD. Sad but true.

Next week's opponent is LOBO with his Predator Press squad. I think he also owns a copy of Joe Dirt but on VHS.

Tuesday Morning QB: No and Yes

Welcome to another year of Tuesday Morning Quarterback where I look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have done differently with my (their) fantasy football team(s) for that previous week's game.

As for me, even though I lost 124-101 to Purple Drank here in the HBFFL, I wouldn't have done a thing differently as far as my lineup.

Let's review the starters: Vick at QB, Greg Jennings and DeSean Jackson at wide receivers, MJD at running back, Owen Daniels at tight end (other choice: Lance Kendricks, also had 1 point), Jahvid Best at flex (had Felix Jones but had same number of points: 11), Stephen Gostkowksi at kicker and the Patriots defense. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no. In case you missed it:

Courtesy of smlp.co.uk on Flickr

As for others, the only one in our league who might -- and hindsight is always 20/20 -- have played his cards differently than he did was Mark of Multiple Scorgasms. He played Pierre Garcon at wide receiver...where I would have gone with Chad Ochocinco just because Peyton Manning was out. At tight end, I would have gone with Aaron Hernandez over Tony Gonzalez, just because Hernandez was on fire from last year.

Yes, Mark still would have lost 99-90, but would have looked more respectable and at least would have tied for the lowest score with Future Ex-Cons instead of getting the lowest score.

So yes, he still would have sucked...but not just as badly. However, he set himself up for failure when he made his team slogan: "If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you just SUCK!" Um, self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?

Courtesy of Andy Welsh on Flickr

We have a winner...

...um, I mean, a loser.

Wait, make that two losers when you count me too.

I'll let Beck take us out with a song for both Mark and me:

The People's Draft 2011 - WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure




This first-ever HBFFL Live Draft is over, and the Defending League Champion and People's Champion Renal Failure has loaded up their roster with another championship-caliber roster. Let's review Live Draft 2011...

First Round
Given the third pick overall, Renal Failure snatched up RB Chris Johnson for another season. Last year CJohnson was on our roster as the number one pick overall in the 2010 draft. Yes, he held out all of training camp, but he'll be good to go for the season, especially late in the season when we'll need him most.

Second Round
18th pick overall - RB LeSean McCoy. Shady is a busy man in the Eagles offense, so he'll have a lot of chances to rack up points for the People's Champion.


Actually Renal Failure drafted Ines Sainz's superior posterior with our first pick, but Yahoo! didn't have her ass on their draft board so we had to go with Chris Johnson...

Third Round
23rd overall - QB Tony Romo. He missed most of last year with an injury but before he went down he was lighting it up, so we expect a huge comeback year for Romo (even though we on the Failure hate the Cowboys).

Fourth Round
38th overall - TE Jason Witten. The 2nd highest scoring TE of 2010 makes his way back to the Renal Roster to give us stability in the always tricky Tight End spot. We almost took him in the third round, nervous that he wouldn't be there in 15 picks. But we needed a QB and took our chances.

Fifth Round
43rd overall - WR Brandon Lloyd. We picked him from free agency obscurity last season and watched him become the number one scoring wide-out of 2010. We'll see if he can do it again in 2011.


Brandon Lloyd also made it onto the rosters of two other Renal Failure-managed fantasy teams in other leagues. It's like we're the only ones who respect the leading scoring receiver of 2010...

Sixth & Seventh Rounds
RB DeAngelo Williams and RB Marshawn Lynch. Renal Failure loves stocking up on running backs, so we got ourselves some depth/trade bait with these two picks. Carolina and Seattle both have bottom tier quarterbacks, so they will depend a lot of running the ball, which means big opportunities for these two backs.

Eighth & Ninth Rounds
WR Mario Manningham & RB Fred Jackson. We needed another WR and were fortunate that Manningham fell so far down for us to take. His 2010 were decent and should improve now that Steve Smith is in Philly. With Fred Jackson, we were surprised to see him fall down that far that we couldn't pass on taking him and leaving no doubt that we've got the deepest RB corps in the HBFFL.


The Renal Failure Running Back Hydra has returned.... take warning!

Tenth, Eleventh, & Twelfth Rounds
WR Sidney Rice, WR Malcolm Floyd, New York Giants DEF. After stocking up on RB's we needed to get some wide-outs on our bench. Someone has to catch the ball in Seattle, might as well be Sidney Rice. Malcolm Floyd is a favorite target of Philip Rivers. As for the New York Giants Defense, we're blaming that on our internet connection crapping out on us during our pick, thus invoking an auto-pick.

Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Fifteenth, and Sixteenth Rounds
QB Mark Sanchez, WR Johnny Knox, TE Brent Celek, and K Billy Cundiff. Sanchez will do fine as our backup QB. He's serviceable and will be looking to have a huge game in Week 5 vs. New England when Romo is on his bye week. Knox should be Jay Cutler's number one target in Chicago. We wanted to get Lance Kendricks for our backup TE position, but his bye week is the same as Witten's so we went with Celek, who has been a serviceable TE for years. And our last pick punched our ticket to the championship because Billy Fucking Cundiff is the man when it comes to kickers.


Billy Cundiff taught Chuck Norris how to kick... and how to make love to a woman...

There were a few disappointments in the draft. Romo wasn't our first choice for QB (Philip Rivers or Tom Brady were) but we're okay with getting him where we did. Also we were holding out hope that Maurice Jones-Drew would have fell to us in the second round so we could revive our feared backfield from the 2008 season, but that didn't work out for us. We also wanted either Sam Bradford or Matt Stafford as our backup QB to see if they'd develop into strong arms (aka trade bait). We're not worried about our wide-outs, considering our best WR moves were done in free agency rather than the draft. Besides, we can always trade one of our RB's for some WR help later in the season. Renal Failure's always looking to deal.

See you in the playoffs, honkeys!


Renal Failure is the defending 2010 champion of the HBFFL. He gives no quarter, because all his currency is in gold bullion.

Fans of Bad Teams Use Yahoo Search

"One is an accident, two is a coincidence, three is a trend."

I have no idea where that saying came from, or who said it but we are clearly at the coincidence stage when it comes to Yahoo Trends on Sundays and crappy football teams.

Last Sunday the Lions/Bears game was in the top-ten of Yahoo's Trends list:

Ironically enough, that game featured the infamous Calvin Johnson non-touchdown reception. You know, the one that was ruled an incomplete pass because he did not hold onto the ball for ten minutes. And there was a lack of a "second act", whatever the hell that means.

Has the NFL suddenly gone Shakespeare?

 True to form for 2010, another crappy game ended up in the top-ten of the Yahoo Trends list yesterday:

Rams vs. the Raiders? Really?

And like last week, there was a reality check when you looked into the trend results...

The hundreds of people that are Raiders fans did not get to see their team win the game. They also did not see Jason Campbell get benched. Or see Darren McFadden rush for 145 yards.

Still, despite that bittersweet outcome, we are just one week away from establishing a trend.

Okay, we aren't. The fans of crappy teams are.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to watch for next week's bad game trend.

I also need to make a waiver claim for the Asian Unicorn. My team needs all the luck it can get.

Ines Sainz Story Could Have Been Worse

In all the talk about the Ines Sainz story, and the weighing-in of fellow HBFFL writers Bex, and LOBO not just once but twice, there was one angle that thankfully did not come to fruition...

What if Joe Namath was around on that fateful night?



Things could have been much worse.

Dez Bryant No Longer Suppering Ankle Sprain

I think WFAA in Dallas created a new verb.

And now that Dez is fully healed he is available for errands or to babysit the kids.

With the exception of Sundays, a few Mondays, and Thanksgiving of course.

And for some reason that has nothing to do with Dez Bryant or the Dallas Cowboys there is something unexpected trending big-time on Yahoo:

That's right, the game between the Lions and the Bears is the talk of the internet today. Bigger than Tony Romo and Eminem.

(I still do not understand why someone would name themselves after candy but it seems to be working for the rapper.)

Sadly, reality gave a slap to the face in the trend results:

Everyone knows that lions can't beat bears. Duh.

All Time Fantasy Team Brings Back Memories

Yahoo had a great post today about the best all-time fantasy players, the busts, and the one-hit wonders.

It brought back some memories.

There was the time I had the #1 overall pick in 1997 and took Barry Sanders the season he blew up for 2,053 rushing yards. I had the best record, highest-scoring team, and #1 seed in the playoffs.

Then, in the post-season I ran into the guy who had wideout Rob Moore and Jake Plummer.

Not only did Moore rack up 1,584 yards and eight touchdowns that year but he also averaged 99 yards a game. And he was a beast in the last three weeks:

Wk 14: 188 yds, 0 td
Wk 15: 114 yds, 3 td (playoffs)
Wk 16: 31 yds, 0 td (playoffs)

Plummer was nasty as well:

Wk 14: 270 yds passing, 2 td
Wk 15: 337 yds passing, 4 td (playoffs)
Wk 16: 180 yds passing, 21 yards rushing, 1 rush td (playoffs)

I got the beat down in week fifteen and that owner went on to win it all despite a soft showing by Plummer and Moore in the championship round.

Moore was not mentioned by the way in the article. He should have been a one-hit-wonder.

I cheered up though looking at the honorable mentions for running backs.

Honorable mention: Earl Campbell in '79 and '80, Eric Dickerson in '84, Jim Brown in '58, O.J. Simpson in '73, Terrell Davis in '98, Shaun Alexander in '05, Emmitt Smith in '95, Walter Payton in '77, Jamal Lewis in '03, Barry Sanders in '97, Chris Johnson in '09, Steven Jackson in '06, Marcus Allen in '85, Larry Johnson in '05 and '06, Roger Craig in '85, Holmes in 2002, Faulk in '98, '99, '01.

I have had the fortune of owning three on that list (in bold).

I also had two of those players the year after their big season (Smith in ’96 and Alexander in ’06). Both lost production due to injuries and both were first round picks.

I can still remember watching Dallas’ first game of the season against Chicago on MNF in 1996. Emmitt dives over the pile at the goal line and scores the touchdown but gets hurt, one of many injuries that year. Ouch.

There were good memories and there were bad. It was fun to go down that road none the less. Thanks Yahoo.

Do you have any good or bad fantasy football memories? Put them down in the comments below.

Fantasy Football Quote Of The Day

"I think we've seen more willy here than we've seen all year."

Pittsburgh Steelers radio announcer

Tuesday Morning QB A Day Early No Thanks To The Canadian (And The Texan) In Our League

It's bad enough that I lost my fantasy football game this weekend, but to lose it to a Canadian, Canucklehead, adds insult to injury.

I mean, Canadians...the folks best known for hockey and curling:



Seriously, I get beaten by a Canadian not just once but twice this season? Yes, he also beat me in week 2 by a score of 124-79; this time, a little bit closer, 108-96.

As my wife pointed out to me last night, they don't even celebrate Thanksgiving in the right month. They celebrate it on the second Monday in October, when everyone knows that it's on the fourth Thursday in November.

Freaking Canadians.

Unfortunately, this game between us was pretty much over last Thursday night when Ricky Williams, who I learned from Canucklehead once played for the Canadian Football League (unbelievably, they have one), scored three touchdowns for the Miami Dolphins and racked up 35 fantasy points. Canucklehead told me late last night that Ricky was over at his place for "celebratory bong hits."



Speaking of being high, I wasn't last Thursday night, but I might as well have been since I played Jonathan Stewart for the opposing Carolina Panthers. He amassed an underwhelming 43 rushing yards and four fantasy points.

But to put the nail in the coffin, I also took a toke of bad advice by Defending Champion here yesterday. I asked him on Facebook, who he thought I should play: Ladell Betts, Beanie Wells or Steve Slaton? He said Betts. Literally at the last minute I could, I switched from playing Wells to go with Betts.

Betts, in for an injured Clinton Portis, went out with a knee injury in the first quarter without even scoring one fantasy point. He rushed for five yards on four carries.

Meanwhile, Wells went on to score 14 fantasy points, scoring one touchdown while rushing for 74 yards and catching an 11-yard reception.

If I had played Wells, I would have won by 112-108, because later in the night DeSean Jackson finally broke out of his slump with a touchdown, 107 receiving yards and 10 rushing yards, to give me 22 fantasy points.

Thanks a lot, DC.

Oh, yeah, he's from Texas. He's the one I called The Texan in the title:



Only he's not this cool and unlike the namesake of the short-lived series who went around giving help to people in need, he's the one who will be in need of help next week when he faces me for a second time.

I already beat him once in week 3: 115-48. I guess I'll have to do it again by a similar margin too.

Freaking Texans too.

Tuesday Morning QB A Day Early Thanks To Randy Moss

Back in September, Randy Moss gave me this many points:


At the time, I said I still would have played him, that I'd take back one of those fingers I gave him and save the other one for when he screwed me over the next time.

After Mr. Moss's Sunday night performance of nine receptions for 179 yards and two touchdowns, which gave me 34 points (coincidentally the same number of points his Patriots put up in the 35-34 loss to the Colts) and the 113-100 win over Prestige Worldwide, I'd publicly like to say Randy, I'm sorry. I'm taking back the other finger too.

From now on, I'll let you be the one to give out the fingers:

Wave goodbye to your head, wanker!

This week I'm in a trash talking mood. I don't know why, but I am...

...on Facebook are the Phillies fans who are talking trash about my Yankees, so I can't stay silent.

Here, it's Renal Failure, who despite his "League Blast" over on Yahoo Fantasy Football being "Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to beat every team you meet," is anything but polite...and I quote from his latest post:

...the People demand bloody retribution.

and then this:

But you're not from where Renal Failure's from. Because if you were, you'd be fucking dead.

And finally this, in comparison mild invective but still an invective nonetheless:

You take the People's Champion lightly and we'll eat your sandwich. WE EAT IT UP!

I don't know, but where I'm from, "you'd be fucking dead" doesn't rate as "polite."

He also quotes Ric Flair To be The Man, you've got to be The Man.

In response, I'd just like to remind him of this:



The Man can be beaten.

And this time, there will be no "I'm sorry I love you" when I place the Sweet Chin Music on you, Mr. Renal Failure.

Oh, and a couple of things:

1. You're no Ric Flair yet, by the way. He won 16...let's see, you've won how many titles? None.
2. If you're going to paraphrase that quote: "Be polite, be efficient..." then you need to be The Sniper, not The Scout, as you put in your earlier post.

At least, I know who am I. I'm The Sniper and The Heartbreak Kid, all rolled up into one, and bringing a major can of whoop ass to you, Renal Failure...politely, of course, but still bringing it.




And if you look closely at the :27 second mark. You're already X'd out. I've already waved goodbye to your head, wanker.

Tuesday Morning...er...I mean...Afternoon Quarterback: The Beggars Can't Be Choosers Edition

After suffering back-to-back losses in the two previous weeks, my fantasy team bounced back this week in an unspectacular 85-21 victory over Team Duckgirl, "coached" by Allison from Tales of La La Land.

I say "coached" because Allison didn't field a team against me. She conveniently forgot to play her quarterback, running back AND wide receiver.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bootbearwdc/ / CC BY 2.0

"Uh, yeah, great job, coach. You're doing a wonderful job this year. I have no idea why I threw my helmet last night."

With Matt Hasselbeck, Mike Sims-Walker and Kevin Smith on byes, she didn't play...er...Tony Romo, D'Angelo Williams or Lavernaues Coles to replace the previous week's lineup, OR bring up the Dallas D and John Carney from the bench. If she had, this would have been a repeat performance of last week's Tuesday Morning QB with me getting spanked again by a girl.

If I had known what she was going to do, I only would have played Aaron Rodgers. He alone would have outscored her entire...ahem...team.

I just hope this isn't a harbinger of what is to come for you, Duck Girl.



"Damn you, ducks, damn you."

Spanked...yep, again...by a girl

In my first matchup against a girl this year, as in my first matchup against a girl (or so I thought) last year, I was spanked.

This time, it was at the hands of Paula from Paula's Playground in payback for the mild spanking I gave her last year as I escaped by the skin o' my teeth. This time, it was I who received the mild spanking.

Yes, this Thomas Jones:

He had 22 carries for 210 yards, plus one touchdown, but the Jets still lost. Paula didn't, though, as he gave her 33 points (which he then passed on to me in a manner of speaking)! Add Owen Daniels' 19 points and Larry Fitzgerald's 21 points, and what you have is what you see above.

Me? I ignored Rule No. 326 of fantasy football: After making a trade for big players, play them, at least if they're healthy. Last week I received Steve Slaton, Tim Hightower and Jerricho Cotchery in a trade for Steven Jackson, Derrick Ward and Chad Ochocinco to Renal Failure. Cotch was injured, but I only played Slaton...

...if only I had played Hightower instead of Sammy Morris and Steve Breaston instead of DeSean Jackson (although in this case, I think I erred in good faith), I could have defeated Paula 132-130 and played this song again:



Next up: another girl, Allison from Tales from LaLa Land and Team Duckgirl, in a battle at the bottom of the HBFFL barrel.