Monday, November 30, 2009

The Who The Freak Are These Dillholes Fantasy Football Squad or Who To Pick Up Off The Waiver Week in Week 13

If there's one thing I hate in fantasy football, it's when the quarterback gives the touchdown to that running back, wide receiver, even tight end of whom you've never heard instead of the guy you're playing. Or even worse, if you have that quarterback of whom not only you but also no one else in the Alpha, Beta, Gamma or Delta Quadrants has ever heard, then you're doubly screwed.

1. Pittsburgh: Quarterback Dennis Dixon: This past weekend, it was a who's who of those players, starting with the top Noname Dillhole: Dennis Dixon. In our league, probably only Team Duckgirl had heard of him before this because she's a huge Oregon fan. The rest of us were, and in many cases, still are, scratching our proverbial heads in trying to figure out from which quadrant he was beamed to replace the Steelers' fallen captain. As a Steelers fan, I say, "Beam the f---er back, Scotty." (Yes, I censored myself. You should have seen the title of this post before my self-censorship. It was a fucking doozy. Oops.)

2. Atlanta: Quarterback Chris Redman: As if it weren't bad enough for my opponent, Defending Champion, who had traded for Big Ben a couple weeks back, DC started Matt Ryan who went out with a toe injury. Ryan was replaced with Chris Redman, who led the Falcons to a 20-17 victory.

Redman is not to be confused with Chris Redmond or the rapper Redman.

Other players whose names I noticed this past weekend that I didn't recognize, who scored in games which they played:

3. Oakland: wide receiver Dennis Heyward-Bay -- not to be confused with actor Dennis Haysbert or director Michael Bay and, as far as I know, not their offspring.

4. Miami: wide receiver Chris Hartline -- not to be confused with his brother, Mike Hartline, who plays for University of Kentucky or insert better joke here if you can come up with it, submit your entry to

5. Seattle: running back Justin Forsett -- insert your own joke here, Chris Cameron and Renal Failure, as you did last night in the chatroom (yeah, we hang out in chatrooms together, you got something to say about that? as far as I know, we're all heterosexual men content with our sexual, as far as I know).

6. Cincinatti: tight end J.P Foschi -- not to be confused with focaccia bread or J.P. Ricciardi.

7. Houston: running back Vonta Leach -- not to be confused with Vonda Shepard or Mike Leach, tight end for the Arizona Cardinals, or the late Archie Leach, some of whose movies I actually liked.

8. Indy: running back Chad Simpson -- not to be confused with (insert your choice of pop cultural reference here, with so many Simpsons form which to choose) or Chad Simpson the World Dirt Racing League champion.

9. Philly: running back Eldra Buckley -- not to be confused with Eldra DeBarge aka El DeBarge or Eldridge Cleaver or especially not the late William F. Buckley Jr. or even Sr.

10. Baltimore: kicker Billy Cundiff -- not to be confused with Billy Currington (I'm going to leave you a link to him on principle -- um, yeah, I have principles even after leaving a link to El DeBarge, but at least not a video; I may be sick, but not that sick, dude).

I don't know about you, but I need all the help I can get in the last few weeks of fantasy football, so I'm going to drop almost my entire squad for these guys and the Detroit defense.

Remember that scene in Remember the Titans where Gerry Bertier points his finger at the opposing coach on the sideline in a menacing way?

Keep that in mind, RF. I'm coming for you with my new squad. To paraphrase another movie I saw recently, you're about to enter a world of pain, son.



renalfailure said...

Hmmm... let me check my schedule... no, doesn't look like I play you in Weeks 13 or 14, Rambler. Oh, I see, you mean to make the playoffs! I'm afraid that won't sit well with Chris and LOBO. You'll have to take it up with them.

And there's no need to point, everyone knows exactly where we are: in first place.

Chris C said...

I still like mine...

"Seahawks turn on the Forsett".


renalfailure said...

Always remember, when you're with your lady, it's best not to Forsett in.