Thursday, December 17, 2009

Week 15: Now you may talk about playoffs

Note: We're early with this because the Thursday night game between the Colts and Jaguars involves starters on the Renal Failure and What the Canuck? rosters...

Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy want to talk to Canucklehead about the idea of starting Trent Edwards...

Fact: Last season, both Renal Failure and What the Canuck? failed to make the playoffs.

Fact: What the Canuck? also failed to make the consolation playoffs with his 4-10 record.

You may remember back after Week One when we showed that four out of the five teams that won their first game in 2008 went on to make the playoffs that year, meaning your 2009 playoff teams were most likely going to be from this motley crew of teams: Defending Champions (aka The Brains), Team Duckgirl (aka The Looks), Totes McGoats/Prestige Worldwide (aka The Brawn), What the Canuck? (aka the Ducky) and Renal Failure (aka the Wild Card, among many other things). Well it turns out that trend was bunk. The Looks faded with lineup issues (such as starting inactive players), The Brawn couldn't muscle enough points out its roster (despite having Adrian Peterson and Kurt Warner, and making some shrewd and timely free agent pickups late in the season) and the Brains outthought himself into sixth place even with Chris Johnson in his employ (and helped Predator Press make the playoffs by trading Drew Brees to LOBO at the deadline). Only the Ducky and the Wild Card made the playoffs, much to the surprise of everyone, so it's fitting that they get to play each other in the first round.

Canuck beat the People's Champion last week to earn that playoff spot, and that was Canucklehead's first mistake. In games this season where The Wild Card (bitches!)has sought vengeance for a previous loss they are 2-0 with wins over the Ramblers (for the Dallas Clark fiasco of 2008) and Defending Champions (for his womanly alter-ego Fantasy Virgin keeping us out of the playoffs last year). Renal Failure knows revenge.

Now Canucklehead will never get to see those new Kids in the Hall "Death Comes to Town" episodes!

But the People's Champion has not been so dominant these days. Maurice Jones-Drew has been looking very mortal and the QB situation in St. Louis is allowing opposing defenses to stack the line against Stephen Jackson. Philip Rivers has been serviceable and efficient, but that doesn't give the People the big points they want. Our wide receiver core of Hines Ward, Chad Ochocinco, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Percy Harvin, and Jeremy Maclin have become unreliable and banged-up as of late. The Philadelphia Defense has only just begun stepping up their game again and Dallas Clark's success is contingent on Peyton Manning's success, and Manning is centerpiece of the What the Canuck? squad. It would seem the only steady performer that the People can depend on is our kicker.

Nate Kaeding, I have never prayed to you. I have no tongue for it...

Canuck has the same problem with Philip Rivers as we do with Peyton Manning, as he employs Antonio Gates in the tight end slot. But Canuck got on-board the Ricky Williams train at the right time to snap himself out of a five game slide (that started with Canuck's Week 5 loss to Renal Failure) and go 4-1 to end the season. And he has learned not to tie his fate to that of the Buffalo Bills by not starting T.O. and Lee Evans all the time at WR (though he still runs Fred Jackson in the Flex spot).

Yahoo! projects Renal Failure to win 105-94 as of Thursday 8am, which we find to be highly optimistic on Yahoo's part. But that could play right into the People Champion's hands because Renal Failure is 2-0 when they fail to exceed their projected score (which includes Canuck's Week 5 loss). However, we're fully aware that the universe might find it extremely hilarious for a team having such a successful regular season as Renal Failure did (a record setting 12-2 with nine straight wins to start the season and the record for most points scored with 1481) to completely fall apart in the first round of the playoffs.

Our prediction?

Renal Failure... he's the man whose name you'd love to touch... but you mustn't touch!


Anonymous said...

You have to win...we can't have a Canadian, of all people, win our league. I mean...the horror, the horror!

Canucklehead said...

If I win do we change the name to the CFL next year - I mean, that's not being used is it?

Anonymous said...

Oh, Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln...that is really, really sad. I mean, theoretically, it could be Chris's Football League since he started it, but I don't think that is where you were going, was it? Shudder, I can't even say the word again.

renalfailure said...

110-yard fields? One point for kicking the ball out of that big-ass end zone? Three downs? It's madness! And I've been to a CFL game and seen these horrors first hand. I wake up in the dead of night, terrified that two teams will be called the Rough Riders. YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE!

Chris C said...

"I mean, theoretically, it could be Chris's Football League since he started it,"

Actually if I win the championship I am going to change the name to that.

How did you know?