Friday, January 22, 2010

At Least One Purple Reign Ends This Weekend

Predator Press


I’m sorry. I’ve tested this on heroic amounts of
alcohol, and it still sounds like Prince is hard-boiling cats
slowly to the beat of drums from a Casio keyboard.

Any bets the Saints have this
already cued up at the Superdome?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

2010 NFL Playoff Projections: AFC/NFC Championship Round

Welcome everyone to another week of HBFFL's exclusive 2010 NFL Playoff Predictions. Last week in the divisional round the prediction records got a lot closer:

Chris Cameron- 4-4
Renal Failure- 3-5
Ramblers- 4-4

This week we are down to four teams in the AFC and NFC Championships, both in domes. It doesn’t seem the same.

New York Jets vs. Indianapolis Colts

Renal Failure: The Wild Card was let down last week by Nate Kaeding and Billy Cundiff. Let's see if we can rebound from our horrid 1-3 performance...

This is the closest you'll ever get to a Super Bowl III rematch, considering modern conference alignments. But Matt Sanchez is no Broadway Joe Namath. He's not even Ken O'Brien or Vinny Testaverde.

Too bad, because Peyton Manning is Peyton Manning and the Colts didn't suffer any ill effects from their end-of-season layoff vs. the Ravens who have a better quarterback and running back tandem than the Jets. Shame, really, because we'd really like to see the Jets win. Rex Ryan is a madman like his dad Buddy Ryan and the Wild Card digs that, but the Colts won't hand you the game like the Chargers did.

Colts win 30-17.

Rambler: Last week I picked the Ravens over the Colts, based on one name: Billy Cundiff, and the Jets for one name: Darrelle Revis.

This week, I pick the Colts for one name: David Letterman, who was born in Indianapolis, and because I think he is funnier than both Leno and O'Brien, on a good night. On a bad night, I long for the days of The Steve Allen Show.

Chris: All week long all we have heard is how awesome the Jets are. Blah blah blah. The Bengals and Chargers didn’t execute and to their credit the Jets did.

Now they face the man who gives people obvious-shaped Christmas gifts, Peyton Manning. Strangely enough he gives nothing away when it comes to his playcalling.

And Revis can’t cover everybody although it seemed like it last week. The Jets defense won’t have the luxury of Rivers’ bad throws while facing the same amount of offensive weapons.

Colts beat the Jets 32-21 and Joe Namath starts drinking again.

Minnesota Vikings vs. New Orleans Saints

Renal Failure: Both teams are coming off games where they stomped their opponents in the nuts, and though we are thankful Brett Favre embarrassed the Dallas Cowboys we don't want to see him in the Super Bowl. Drew Brees launches bears into space. That's what he does. That's all he does.

Saints win 45-35.

Rambler: Last week I picked the Cardinals over the Saints based on a.) my hatred of the Saints all season, despite their having a Christian name and my being Catholic, b.) Kurt Warner being a Christian, and c.) New Orleans being a hotbed of sin and where Santeria, a perversion of Catholicism, is prevalant.

This week I pick the Saints over the Vikings based on a.) their having a Christian name and my being Catholic, despite my hatred of them all season and Drew Brees being named Bacchus XLII for the 2010 Krewe of Bacchus New Orleans Mardi Gras Parade , b.) the Vikings were heathen, as mentioned here, and c.) Minneapolis is a hotbed of sin and where Santeria, a perversion of Catholicism, is prevalent.


After seeing Favre do the “Pants on the Ground” song there is no way I can pick the Vikings. I know, the “Who Dat” thing is pretty gay too but it is not burned into the recesses of my brain like an earworm.

It should be high scoring and Minnesota will continue to set up play action with All Day and Taylor. For New Orleans the question will be which Reggie Bush shows up. If the one from last week starts expect some running fireworks. And some bears in space too.

New Orleans earns their first trip to the Superbowl 42-35.
The 2010 Playoff Projections are written by blog contributors Rambler, Renal Failure, and myself, Chris Cameron.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

2010 NFL Playoff Projections: Divisional Round

Welcome everyone to another week of HBFFL's exclusive 2010 NFL Playoff Predictions. Last week in the wild card round, Rambler and Renal Failure went 2-2 while I sucked the big one at 1-3.

This week is the attack of the domes with three of the four Divisional Round games being played indoors. Weird.

New York Jets vs. San Diego Chargers

Ramblers: Here's a game I don't give a poop about, so let's say Jets because of again one name: Darrelle Revis.

Jets 27, Chargers 14

Chris: (Chris' predictions this week are written in his native New England dialect.)

The Chaagahs look wicked pissah this week against the freaking Jets. Hey guy their quahtaback plays like he’s got a Dunkins iv or some shit and San Diego is more dangerous then a rotary at rush hour. And no way frigging Revis can shutdown the whole team. Plus the Jets are retahds.

Chaagahs win dude 32-24.

Renal Failure: Now you might expect Renal Failure to pick the Jets again, because that would the sort of thing the Wild Card of the HBFFL would do. And you'd be wrong because you cannot expect anything from the Wild Card.

Our Fantasy QB of the last two seasons Philip Rivers is better than Carson Palmer and has more weapons at his disposal. Daryl Revis can't cover everyone. And the Chargers D will be more demanding of Matt Sanchez who only does all right when nothing is expected of him. Oh, and something about Nate Kaeding too.

Chargers 27 Jets 17.

Baltimore Ravens vs. Indianapolis Colts

Ramblers: One name: Billy Cundiff.

Ravens 21, Colts 19

Chris: Both teams losing would be wicked awesome but I have a bettah chance of seeing flippah swimmin’ in Boston Hahba. Freaking Peyton Mannin will win anothah playoff game if they can shut down that frigging running back dude Ray Rice.

Colts show they ah wicked pissah and beat the stupid Ravans 24-17.

Renal Failure: No one just walks into Foxboro and puts a foot up the Patriots' ass by accident. And the last two times the Colts have rested their starters in the last weeks of the season (2005 and 2007), they've lost in the playoffs.

Not to say the Colts won't keep it close, especially since they have The People's Hero of 2009 Dallas Clark, but the Ravens are red hot. Do not doubt the power of Billy Cundiff. Everyone else did and look what happened.

Ravens 23 Colts 20.

Arizona Cardinals vs. New Orleans Saints

Ramblers: I hate the Saints and have hated them all season.

So that said, and based on my pure hatred of them, I go with the Cardinals. Plus Kurt Warner is a Christian. I'm a Christian (but not of the asshat Pat Robertson flavor either) so there...

...I know, I should be going for the Saints, because of the Christian name and I'm Catholic, but they're from New Orleans, a hotbed of sin, and where Santeria, which is a perversion of Catholicism, is prevalent.

Cardinals 57, Saints 49

Chris: Dude guy man the Caadnils have a wicked bad defense. You can only go to the bubblah so many times before it runs out of freaking watah or somethin’ like that. And frigging Brees is an animal. Wahnah is nasty too guy so it should be a wicked crazy shootout.

New Orleans wins the ahms race of Wahnah vs. Brees 42-32

Renal Failure: The Saints don't scare anyone anymore but if any team in the playoffs can keep up with the Cardinals in a shootout, it's them. Still, putting up 51 against the Packers has to count for something, right? And this looks to be Kurt Warner's last season too. The Wild Card likes a hungry team so we're going with Arizona.

Cardinals 42 Saints 40

Dallas Cowboys at Minnesota Vikings

Ramblers: I hate the Cowboys. As a Steelers fan of old, I never can pull for a Cowboys team. One name: Roger Staubach. The Steelers faced the Cowboys three times in the Super Bowl, winning twice.

As a Steelers fan of old, I also should hate the Vikings. One name: Fran Tarkenton. However, the Steelers only faced the Vikings once and won.

So because of that (thanks, Fran, and Dave Osborn for the safety that got the Steelers rolling in that Super Bowl), and because I like Brett Favre, because he's almost as old as I am, I'm going to pick the Vikings.

Vikings 34, Cowboys 27

Chris: A wicked weiid matchup. Both average a lot of yahds but Dallas doesn’t like to score points. The Vikings do guy. Both have quahtabacks that make wicked bad mistakes sometimes. Remember when Fahve threw all those intaceptions? Yeah he was on the retahded Jets.

Petason runs all over the wicked sucky Dallas defense and Minnesota wins guy, 38-16.

Renal Failure: We face a bit of a dilemma with this game. Our disdain for the Cowboys is well documented, but we also can't stand the aging primadonna known as Brett Favre. Oh, the joy we felt back when Tony Romo botched the hold on that field goal against Seattle in the playoffs years ago. His tears of bottomless sadness tasted so good.

But we also remember the relief we felt when it looked like we might have been free from Brett Favre and his incessant retirement drama and all the sportcasters licking his ass, relief that he then crushed by signing with the Vikings. The Cowboys bulldozed the Eagles last week, but I don't think they do so well against a team with an actual running game.

Vikings 27 Cowboys 21.
The 2010 Playoff Projections are written by blog contributors Rambler, Renal Failure, and myself, Chris Cameron.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Most Awesome 2-2 Ever

The People's Champion explains how they pick their playoff winners, and how they ran their fantasy football team too...

If there anyone out there who doubts that Renal Failure is the Wild Card (bitches!), this Wild Card Weekend should thoroughly convince you otherwise.

Like everyone else participating in the HBFFL Playoff Picks Extravaganza we went 2-2 with our selections this week, but those two wins were the most impressive wins of the week as we were the only ones who picked the Jets and Ravens to win. Chris, Rambler, and even Joe the former Defending Champion who's playing along in the comments... they didn't believe in them but the People's Champion did and we were rewarded for our faith.

Yes, we also picked the Eagles to win, but that selection was more out of principle and spite than of football acumen. We're like the villain in a movie who's hanging by one hand off the side of a building and the hero extends their hand to save us but instead we just smile and let go and plummet to our deaths. That's our policy toward the Cowboys.

Never compromise... even in the face of Armageddon or Jerry Jones.

We're not the King of Fantasy Football or even Leigh's Husband, but once you realize everything is chaos, being the Wild Card is the only thing that makes sense.

Divisional playoff picks coming Thursday. Stay thirsty my friends.

---Renal Failure once had an awkward moment just to see what it felt like... and never stopped.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

2010 NFL Playoff Projections: Wild Card

The 2010 NFL Playoffs have arrived and the contributors of HBFFL offer their unique insight into the postseason matchups. This week is the Wild Card Round and here's Rambler with the intro...

"Déjà vu is usually a glitch in The Matrix. It happens when they change something."
The "They" in this case are the NFL officials as three of the four matchups this weekend seem eerily familiar.

Both of the wild card matchups in the NFC are the same as last week, with the Eagles facing the Cowboys again Saturday night in Arlington and the Packers facing the Cardinals again Sunday afternoon in Glendale.

The AFC matchup that also is the same is the Jets versus the Bengals, but this time in Cincinnati. Meanwhile, the Ravens travel to Foxborough to face the Patriots.

In the words of Morpheus: "Here we go..."

Renal Failure: Wild Card weekend predictions from the Wild Card (bitches!)...

New England vs. Baltimore: There are two important factors to this game: The Patriots are without Wes Welker, and the Ravens have kicker Billy Cundiff. Ravens win 20-17.

Cincinnati vs. New York Jets: We're going with the underdog again, because that's how the People's Champion rolls. And because Daryl Revis is a monster at cornerback. Jets win 17-10.

Dallas vs. Philadelphia: As an Eagles fan I cannot in any way, despite all evidence pointing to the contrary. choose the Cowboys to win. Unless I have money riding on the game, which I don't. Eagles win 34-31.

Green Bay vs. Arizona: The People's Champion loves underdogs... except in this game because when it comes to putting bears into space ARodge is like Cape Canaveral. Packers win 31-21.


Rambler: Two of the three matchups, I believe, will have different outcomes, but one will remain the same.

On what do I base this? I wish I could say that like Mike McD of The Bleacher Report, I used the formula of which team has the best cheerleaders. However, since he already did that, I'm going to go with mascots.

Patriots vs. Ravens: Much like Rowdy pulling out his pistols on Swoop, Pat the Patriot will pull out his musket (no, not like that, although he allegedly did that not too long ago) and shoot down Poe.

Yes, Wes Welker is out, but don't count out my man, Randy Moss, and the Pats at home in January, killer. Patriots 27, Ravens 20

Bengals vs. Jets: Who Dey mauls Fireman Ed. He might look like a Tony the Tiger, with his team playing like one last week against the Jets, but this week I think he pulls out his claws with Cedric Benson and Chad Ochocinco and tears the Fireman a new one. Bengals 34, Jets 17.

Cowboys vs. Eagles: This is the matchup that I believe the outcome will remain the same, with Rowdy pulling out his pistols and shooting down Swoop again.

This time, though, I think DeSean Jackson finds paydirt and David Akers is good for a field goal, but it's still not enough as the Eagles lose. Cowboys 27, Eagles 17.

Cardinals vs. Packers: Big Red beats no mascot or even former mascot, Packy Pack Packer for possibly the gayest name ever for a mascot. Kurt Warner will connect with Larry Fitzgerald and maybe Steve Breaston with Anquan Boldin possibly injured, and Beanie Wells will break out for at least one score.

As much as I like Aaron Rodgers (he was my QB this year), I don't think he's ready to take it to the next level. I think Warner's playoff experience trumps ARod in this case. Cardinals 42, Packers 34

Chris Cameron: The song remains the same for two of the three rematches of Week 17 and the Patriots enter another post-season of playing with house money.

Patriots vs. Ravens: No Welker? No problem for the Patriots. They have plenty of other weapons like Watson and Faulk. The question mark is the young defense.

The Ravens D, however is still nasty but beatable. And Baltimore has some weapons of mass scoreboard destruction of their own with Flacco, Rice and Mason. I expect a shootout.

Belichick finds a way to scheme out a win and sends the Ravens home for the winter migration, 37-32.

Bengals vs. Jets: Don't be fooled by the Jets last week. Cincy laid down for them.

The Bengals see the return of four defensive starters and Cedric Benson this weekend, something New York did not have to deal with last time.

Worst yet, if Cincy shuts down the Jets' only dimension of attack, the running game then the win rests in the hands of Mark Sanchez. Oh boy.

Cincinnati dominates, 29-6, leaving Jets fans to mutter "just end the season" by halftime.

Cowboys vs. Eagles: Supposedly, teams don't go 3-0 against an opponent in a season. Bullshit.
"Since the NFL-AFL merger in 1970, there have been 18 times when a team went into a playoff game with a chance to complete a three-game season sweep, according to STATS, Inc. Those teams are 11-7."
Put together the Dallas offense clicking on all cylinders, an iffy Eagles running game despite the return of Westbrook, and a Phily defense that is inconsistent and you have the recipe for another 3-0 record head-to-head.

Dallas trims the Eagles' wings, 32-17 and Philadelphia fans will pin the fault on McNabb.

Cardinals vs. Packers: Green Bay is the NFC's version of the Chargers, a team nobody wants to play. The Packers' offensive line is making holes for Ryan Grant to run through and making time for Aaron Rodgers to complete plays in the air.

To make matters worse it looks like Arizona will be without Bouldin. And their running game might not be able to make the play action effective.

Green Bay puts a pasting on the Cardinals for the second straight week, when it counts most 42-20.
The 2010 Playoff Projections are written by blog contributors Rambler, Renal Failure, and myself, Chris Cameron.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Week 18: The People's Retrospective

How Renal Failure spent his Christmas while not in contemplation of what went wrong...

Like we did last year, it's time for the People's Champion to look back on their dominating fantasy football season (except for that horrific bit at the end). We'll go by position and value to our season...

Philip Rivers had the 8th most points in the league for QB's, was steady all season long, and really could have done a lot better but LaDainian Tomlinson had a sort of resurrection this season to take touchdowns away from Rivers. Even our backup Eli Manning did statistically well considering his foot issues and the Giants sucking, finishing 11th in QB points. Though at no point did we consider benching Rivers for Eli. Plus Eli only started really putting up good numbers after the trade deadline, so we couldn't even use him as trade bait.

Tight End
Three words: Dallas fucking Clark. Finished second among TE in points behind Vernon Davis, though to be fair he really didn't play in Week 16 (stupid Colts, resting their players, don't they know there are lonely people playing Fantasy Football depending on them to validate their existences?). The former People's Scourge became the People's Hero this year. Dallas Clark is so money, countries peg their currency to his performance.

Dallas Clark once had a cold and almost completed devalued the yuen...

Running back
Our one-two punch of Maurice Jones-Drew and Stephen Jackson finished 3rd and 8th respectively in RB points, which is impressive for SJax considering the horrid year the Rams had (and he only four TD's the whole year too). Too bad SJax's back gave out right at Week 16, but when you're carrying an entire team it's going to take its toll. We traded Steve Slaton at the perfect time for SJax, so we get awesome fantasy-savvy kudos for that. We also gave up Tim Hightower in that epic deal but he finished 24th in points so he was not missed. Then there was Jonathan Stewart, but we'll get to why we let him go later. Among our remaining RB's... Pierre Thomas filled in adequately during bye weeks, considering he had to compete for touches with Reggie Bush and Mike Bell all year, but wasn't the monster he was at the end of 2008. And LeSean McCoy was only on our roster to dangle in front of LOBO as trade bait when Brian Westbrook went down with his concussions. Sure, it didn't work out but the theory was sound.

Renal Failure has a talent for scoring unconvential points, seen this year with Nate Kaeding leading the league in kicker points. Beware the kicker! Wild Card, bitches! Yeeehaw!

Nate Kaeding once kicked a bear to Mars...

Defense/Special Teams
Our ace in the hole once again as the Philadelphia Eagles led the league in scoring for DEF (like they did last year). Also they were the reason we opened the season with a win over La Machine. You think "The Wild Card" is just a catchy nickname? No, it's a way of life (bitches!).

Wide Receiver
The People's Weak Spot. Hines Ward and Chad Ochocinco (thanks Rambler) finished 13th and 14th among their receiving brethren. Our next highest receiver was NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year Percy Harvin in 25th and we barely used him. T.J. Houshmandzadeh (30th) was the People's Biggest Dissapointment this year, but that's what we get for depending on a Hasselbeck (Matt, Tim, Elizabeth... trust none of them). The receiver we traded for Ochocinco, Jerricho Cotchery, was 34th so that was a big upgrade for us considering Cotchery soon went down with an injury and Braylon Edwards leeched targets away from him. Jeremy Maclin was... eh.

Free Agents/Waivers
Last year we picked up DeSean Jackson and Chris Johnson before people got wise to how good they'd be. This year, we didn't do so hot regarding free agents so it's a damn good thing we had a solid autodraft (Rivers, MJD, Clark, Ward, Kaeding, Eagles DEF) and traded extremely well (Ochocinco, SJax). But I guess when you're riding a 9-game winning streak to start the season you don't hit that free agent pool as hard or as often as you would if you were 4-5 or 3-6. If it ain't broke...

Percy Harvin was a decent pickup but we didn't use him much. Marshawn Lynch didn't develop into the trade bait we hoped he'd be and neither did Mohammed Massaquoi or LeSean McCoy (we actually picked him up twice this season). We had Jonathan Stewart at one point but stupidly let him go for the San Diego Defense in a pure panic move when the Eagles were shaky (you're welcome, Ramblers). We really could have used him for the Championship Game (32pts... we didn't get 32 points total out Ward, Ochocinco, MJD, and Dallas Cark that day). We actually had Chris Chambers in the beginning of the season but we dropped him for Tim Hightower who we used to get SJax and Ochocinco, so put a tally in our Clever column for that.

Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy wanted Paula to trade Larry Fitzgerald to us. Unfortunately Paula hadn't touched her team since Week 5.

So, who is the People's MVP this season? Rivers? MJD? Nate Kaeding? No, the person who had the most to do with Renal Failure successful season was UnfinishedPerson and this Rambler squad for the trade with us in Week 6. We were 5-0 before the trade, and without it we certainly wouldn't have gone 7-2 the rest of the season. And we sure as hell wouldn't have survived Tom Brady's 60-point game in Week 7. Plus it prompted Renal Failure to coin the best Fantasy Football phrase of all time: "throw a bear into outer space." Too bad the video of Lou Ferrigno has Hercules throwing a bear into outer space is no longer on Youtube. But it will live forever in our memories...

Now, here in the NFL postseason, let's see how good the People are in picking playoff winners...

---Renal Failure will return in HBFFL 2K10: The Quickening.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Fantasy Football Withdrawal

I've got it and I've got it bad.

The season ended last weekend for our league, and I've got the shakes. I need a fix.

During the season, a few of the guys here in the league, Chris, Joe, Renal Failure and Lobo, and I go to a chatroom over at Yahoo StatTracker and shoot the bull about the games.

This week, I decided for gits and shiggles to go and see what I could find.

This is what I found:

Yahoo Stattracker


But then I looked again. There was an important caveat at the bottom.

Yahoo Stattracker

Wait a minute. Let's click on that link.

I did and found this:

Yahoo GameChannel

While not a stat tracker, it does keep track of the games...and most importantly, down in that right-hand corner is...

Yahoo GameChannel

Now I'm just here waiting for the boys to come on over and join me...oh, wait, not how it sounds...

...and um...yeah, I know.

Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Blog will be back in the upcoming weeks as a few of us here, including Chris, Renal Failure and I, will put up our predictions for the playoffs. Um, yeah, we know...