Friday, November 27, 2009
Week 12 Preview: Renal Failure vs. the GooglyEyed Goons
Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy would strongly prefer to lock up the People's playoff position this week...
In Week 6, Paula's Googlyeyed Goons beat The Ramblers 130-117. We bring this up not to make the Unfinished One feel bad but to point out that Paula is fielding the exact same line up she did six weeks ago, which is problematic in Week 12 because Owen Daniels and Dwayne Bowe are inactive(Daniels on IR, Bowe suspended).
So unless Paula rediscovers her Yahoo password anytime soon, her team not only will be employing the Team Duckgirl strategy of starting an inactive injured tight end (Duckgirl won that game) but also will be doubling down on said strategy by starting an inactive player in the Flex spot as well. And the People's Champion doesn't like it one bit. Not out of some sort of code of honor that allows us no pleasure in winning against abandoned teams, but because the People see the trap that has been laid for us. A trap that the liberal elite media won't tell you about.
Admiral Ackbar comes from Real America... where they have squid heads.
The People know what's going on. We've seen the big board. You go 6-on-8 against Renal Failure and win and you've given the Wild Card the bad beat to beat all bad beats (worse than our loss last season to the Ramblers because of Dallas Clark). The People's Champion could win the actual championship and it wouldn't matter. "Oh, you won the title but you couldn't win against a team only starting six players? Haw haw!" The People know what's really going on.
Oh sure, there may be some people (not to be confused with The People) who say "Well, maybe Paula just abandoned her team" and there really is no secret plot to humiliate us and that we're drunk and shouldn't drive home, but they're missing the connections. Connections like how the Goons are starting Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald, both with awesome matchups this week, both who were on the Renal Failure roster last year. Coincidence or den of socialist treachery?
Paula... communists... killer bees... Week 12... am I the only one who gets it?
A worthy plan, Paula, but you forgot one thing. We're Captain Jack Sparrow. Wait, no. We're the Wild Card, bitches! We expect the unexpected, just like Dalton taught us in Road House. Hell, we are the unexpected. You think anyone thought Renal Failure would be 10-1?
But what if those other people who aren't The People are right? What if Paula really has just left her team on abandoned auto-pilot to pursue other things in her life that are more important than Fantasy Football? (family, friends, religion... these are the three beasts you must slay to succeed in Fantasy Football) Well, then Renal Failure has nothing to worry about, we clinch the Number One seed in the playoffs, and this whole "trap" business can be written off as the necessary vigilance inherent in being the first place team in the HBFFL, and maybe some paranoia partly induced from a Captain Morgan bender.
We know why the caged bird sings... and why the rum is gone.
As of Thursday afternoon, Yahoo! had Renal Failure projected to win 110-76, but we'll probably undershoot that score. Of the three times the People's Champion was projected to have a score over 100, we've underperformed twice. Then again, our highest scoring week this season was against Paula and her Goons.
---Renal Failure does not parlay well with others.