Justice League Fantasy Football League

“I call this emergency meeting of the Justice League Kicks Ass fantasy football league to order.” Green Lantern banged the gavel down twice then stood up.

“What’s this about boss?” Green Arrow munched on an apple. “I got a big date tonight with Hawkgirl later so if we could hurry-“

“Hawkgirl?” Martian Manhunter asked. “But isn’t she-“

“Was. Was married to Hawkman. She came home early from an out-of-town convention last week and found him in bed with Black Canary.”

“Woah.”

“Woah indeed.” Green Arrow sat back.

“Hey can we get back to business here?” Green Lantern asked. “The integrity of our league is at stake and going into the playoffs we need to make sure there is no cheating.”

There were rumblings around the room.

“I’m making some rule changes and the first one is a ban on reversing the rotation of the Earth in order to field an optimal starting lineup.”

“Oh come on man, I’m paralyzed from the neck down.” Superman retorted a half hour later through his straw voice tube. “It takes me a week to submit a lineup. I need an edge.”

“Well then why don’t you reverse the rotation so far back you avoid the accident which left you paralyzed?”

The room became eerily silent.

“Oh snap.” Atom snickered under his breath causing everyone to look at him. “What, too soon?”

Green Lantern continued. “And there will be no use of a magic lasso to try and get information from coaches, right Wonder Woman?”

“Yes.” She replied reluctantly.

“I’d also like to add a no-interference rule on the field of play. No tripping players who would tackle your running backs Flash.”

“Aww man.” Flash sighed. “We might as well call this the No Fun League.”

“And Aquaman…” Green Lantern said. ”stop picking up Dolphin players on waivers. You won’t win and they don’t respond to your telepathy thing, whatever it is.”

“What the hell does that have to do with cheating?” Aquaman asked.

“Nothing.” Green Lantern grinned. “Don’t we always end meetings by making fun of you?”

The hall filled with laughter of heroes as disaster was avoided. Their league would live to fight on the fantasy gridiron another day but how soon before their adversaries returned?

And did you hear Hawkman cheated on Hawkgirl? Yeah what's up with that?

---

The King Will Not Be Denied His Throne

When you play La Machine in the HBFFL Championship you are down with the king of fantasy football...



By down I mean Renal Failure going down. In flames even.



Yeah like that.

Most fantasy team owners would be afraid of Renal Failure's scary lineup, with Rivers, S-Jax, MJD, Dallas Freakin' Clark, and Hines Ward. It's like Frankenstein, Wolfman, and Dracula all being in the same monster movie.



Yeah, that scary.

But I am not afraid. I've got my own scary movie in McNabb, Rice, The Johnson known as Andre, and Welker. And let's not forget Ryan Grant who is quietly finishing a top-ten RB season.

And of course there is my secret weapon. The final one, saved for the most important and final game of the 2009 HBFFL season is none other then...



Yes, that's right frigging Superman! I know, right now you are thinking "how does Superman help a fantasy football team?"

You must have forgotten one of the Man of Steel's lesser-used powers: the ability to reverse time.

In the first film, after Lois was killed by an earthquake caused by Lex Luthor, Superman flew around the Earth like crazy and reversed it's rotation.



I'll make that fucker fly around the planet a million times until I get the outcome that will fulfill my destiny: a championship win.

So good luck Renal Failure. You will need it.


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Chris Cameron is a co-writer and the editor of the HBFFL humor blog. He also writes his own brand of odd humor at Angry Seafood.