Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Better Call Saul

Predator Press


Psychotically strung out from insane amounts of overtime at work -and with the Christmas rush still looming over the horizon- a month ago, I decided I would simply autodraft a fairly solid team: this would hopefully give me a span of low maintenance fantasy football for a few weeks.

Already sleep deprived and feeling like I've been fired via cannon into a cinderblock wall, I made few "tweaks" in my rankings -I even abandoned my usual "draft quarterbacks late" strategy. And when Yahoo gave me an A+ on my draft -even after I won the first two weeks- I bit my tongue: I knew the whole time I would have to eat my Edward Snowdenburger soon enough.

-But week three? Jesus Christ, the Predator Press locker room looks like Normandy Beach in 1941. The Preds couldn't have defeated Gerrog's Ninjas even if you included our bench points.

Ben Roethlisberger and I have both requested to Roger Goodell this entire season be scrubbed.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Nonames in Biggest Blowout 2 Weeks In a Row.

The only difference is Nonames were on the winning end of Week 2's Biggest Blowout. In Week 3 we were on the losing end to Bourbon Blasters to the tune of  59-126. And we slipped to third place while BBs took over our 2nd place spot.

How the hell did this happen? Someone called Drew Brees rubbed Aaron Rodgers nose in the football field dirt.

Wipe that smile off your face Brees. This supposed to be a picture of Rodgers.

BBs QB Brees chalked up 40 points against NNs QB Rodgers and his 14 measly fantasy points. At least Aaron has a job in TV commercials to fall back on. But it won't do the Nonames any good.

RB DeMarco Murray helped the BBs out too with 30 points.

I knew I'd lost the week before the first Sunday game was over and the fat lady and David Wilson and his pitiful 3 points hadn't even sung yet.

And it didn't help that Detroit pulled Reggie Bush before game time.

And the New York Giants in real life fell to the Panthers to the tune of 38-0. To the who? So Wilson(3)  was a big disappointment. As was Cruz(2).

Week 4 sees the Nonames take on 7th place Kerridan's Okay Team.

Don't worry Nonames. We'll get 'em next week.

Yeah, right, Aaron. You'v got a bye next week, dummy.

Well, okay.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Noname Making Name For Himself

Week 2 has come and gone and the Nonames have slipped quietly into second place with two wins in a row.

Thanks to QB Aaron Rodger's passing record of 480 yards against Washington and RGIII - which translated into 45 fantasy points - the Nonames  finished week 2 with the Biggest Blowout, defeating Chris's Purple Drank 115-71.

Hey, Peyton, that Rodgers is pretty good, eh? 
Shut up, Eli.

WR Dez Bryant racked up 25 points for the Nonames. WR Victor Cruz helped with another 16.

Davis Wilson continues to disappoint for both the Giants and the Nonames coming away from Week 2 with 1 point - an improvement of 2 points over last week's disastrous personal effort.

So Chris must have imbibed the Kool-Aid in Week 2.

Week 3 sees the 2-0-0 Nonames take on the 1-1-0 Bourbon Blasters.

Yahoo Sports has us evenly matched at the moment.

If those Blasters have bourbon in the water cooler it could be an entirely different game.

With a performance like that you should double check your insurance coverage RG.

Friday, September 13, 2013

HBFFL Year 5: A Nickel For My Thoughts

Predator Press


First, I want to salute my longtime competitors friends, and I am "Googling" who they are even as we speak.

And I am also welcoming the newcomers.

[I have already "Googled" them]

But now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, I was knocked out for six weeks last year: guns, drugs, pregnant cheerleaders, unpaid traffic tickets, blah blah ... you know the lifestyle.

Being a Fantasy Football Champion is a cruel mistress.

Good luck, Troi.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

He Da Man!

I'm talking about Aaron Rodgers. He and his Packers may have lost to the Giants last week but he racked up 32 fantasy points for my nonames nevertheless, en route to a 119-81 win over newcomer Gerrog's Ninjas.

Get up, man, I'm talking about you.

It wasn't a good week for any of our newcomers, all of them - and Renal Failure - going down to defeat.

The nonames victory was ably assisted by Victor Cruz with 36 points and Reggie Bush in his brand spanking new Detroit uniform - and a busted thumb - with 32 points.

David Wilson had a terrible game what with several fumbles and a touchdown off one of them racking up a big minus 1 for the 2012 #1 draft pick.

This is the third year I've had Rodgers as my #1 QB. Where did it get me? Certainly not to the playoffs.

But this year's gonna be different. I'm gonna cut back on the trash talk and ease up on the put-downs.

I'm gonna let my players speak for me. Well, except for David Wilson.

Next week we play Purple Drank. He won this week too.

So we're evenly matched.

Bring it on Mr. Kool-Aid. You're going up against the highest ranked - and paid - QB in the league.

Oh, he da man. He da King!

Monday, September 2, 2013

Looking Back At the Offseason

The sixth season of the HBFFL is upon us so it seems fitting to take a moment to look back at the offseason and what has happened since new-comer Troi won the championship last December.

And he ruined my magical Cinderella story season. I WAS SUPPOSED TO WIN. No, I'm not still bitter why do you ask?

Deep cleansing breath...

So a lot has happened since then. Let's go back in time...getting blurry...getting blurry. Wait, what do you mean you aren't seeing the wavy warp thing? Hmmm, I think someone put something in my drink.

The biggest news was of course the change of the Pro Bowl format to, you guessed it, fantasy. Yup, each side will have a captain and the two will draft their team from the entire pool of players in both conferences. Standard scoring, no PPR.

The killer news this offseason (too soon?) was Aaron Hernandez moonlighting as a one-man crime spree. Who knew he was such a master of time management? He was able to juggle both a full-time career in football and a full-time career as a gang-banger. Allegedly of course. 

And wrapping it up...finally both Yahoo and ESPN added the drafting feature to their smartphone apps for 2013. Yes, you can now draft a team while dropping a deuce. Will the wonders of technology ever cease? I hope not.