The Dreamcrushers! Sets Their Sights on Predator Press

My crushing of fantasy football hopes and dreams gets real this week, for rizzles even with the first matchup of the season: The Autodrafters, a.k.a. LOBO's Predator Press. 

Things are not looking good for LOBO, as we will see with the forthcoming scientific analysis...

Quarterbacks

Luck (Dreamcrushers!) vs Kaepernick (Predator Press)

Things would be a lot easier if Kaepernick would just drop that first e. He could put an end to the question he has been asked a million times: "Is it Ka-pernick or K-prnick?"

But Kaepernick didn't hear them because he has his Beats on. What did he do before Beats were invented? And before that you can tell everybody song was published?

So yeah, a push on this position.

Advantage: Even

Running Backs

Forte and Bush (Dreamcrushers!)  vs Le'Veon Bell and Toby Gerhart (Predator Press)

I had a parakeet named Toby when I was a child and it was not very intimidating. Couldn't even get it to say "pretty bird".

And Bell, well he's hanging out with Blount, who was part of the party clique in Tampa Bay a few years back. They even have a side bet during games: whoever has the least amount of all purpose yards pays for the weed. 

Advantage: The Dreamcrushers!

Wide Receivers/Flex

Julio Jones, K. Allen, M. Floyd (Dreamcatchers!) vs AJ Green, K. Britt, R. Wayne (Predator Press)
(Included the flex because both of us are starting WR in that slot.)

The present and the future against the present and 2012. Britt? Wayne? LOBO has turned his fantasy football roster into a time machine. And it isn't even a Delorean. Where his receivers are going might not need roads but they will need the luck of the fantasy gods.

Advantage: The Dreamcrushers!

Tight End

K. Rudolph (Dreamcrushers!) vs J. Graham (Predator Press)

Yeah, I got nothing.

Advantage: Clearly Predator Press

Kicker and Defense

Hahahahahaha....flip a coin.

So final tally is advantage me for RB and WR, Predator Press for TE, and a tie at QB. And you know what that means. 

Tuesday Morning QB: Anyone, anyone, anyone? Yes, ANYONE!

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games. 

As I had the highest score of any team in the league this season with 155 this week, and again I FUCKING ROCK (yawwwwn), I turn my attention in particular to two losers: Troi with his Future Ex-Cons squad and LOBO with his Predator Press squad.

Both lost and it should be no surprise as they didn't even take players off their starting lineup that they should have taken off and replaced them with players...well, players who actually PLAYED.

It is especially evident with Troi, who still had LeSean McCoy in his starting lineup, even though McCoy was out with a concussion. Troi lost by a mere three points, 80-77, to Delusion of Adequacy. Put ANYONE in there for Odin's sake and you would have won.

As for LOBO, the defending HBFFL champion (seemingly in name only, not in reality) he still had Darren McFadden in his starting lineup and worse yet, Titus Young still on his roster. Go pick up ANYONE for even Baldur's sake off the waiver wire. Give yourself a fighting chance.

Yes, ANYONE!!!!

Tuesday Morning QB: There's an app for that, loser!

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games. 

Well, this week again I'm not going to look back at what I could have done differently, because I still won...although this week by a mere 7 points and putting up a measly 88 points. So I don't FUCKING ROCK. I just rock, but still rock in first place nonetheless.

However, I am going to look back at what my opponent, Troi with his Future Ex-Cons, could have done differently.

One thing the California boi (see what I did there? clever, huh?) could have done differently: Put in a replacement running back for Alfred Morris who was on a bye.

Troi normally isn't an absentee owner, but this past week, I think he got distracted by being on vacation. See, I'm friends with him on Facebook and it looks like he and his wife went to Missouri to visit family.

What I also see is that he checks in an awfully lot on Foursquare. Dude is everywhere. He's eating (and drinking) at restaurants (and microbreweries), frolicking at parks and waiting at airports. What he's not doing is checking in on his fantasy football team...

...and it's so simple.

Because there's an app for that...

Yahoo! Fantasy Football '12 (pay attention to this link, my boi Troi) is available as an app both on Android and iPhone.

If only Troi had had the app on his phone and then used it...

...instead of losing 88-81, Troi could have won with any one of these three running backs who were available on the waiver wire: Danny Woodhead, Chris Ivory or Andre Brown. Personally, I would have gone with either Woodhead or Ivory, but any of the three would have given Troi the victory.

But nooooo, he left bye-week Morris in and got defeated by a weak 7 points.

Don't let something similar happen to you...whatever fantasy league in, I'm sure there is an app for your league. Get it and don't be a loser like Troi.

Tuesday Morning QB: Watch the waiver wire!

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games. 

Well, this week again I'm not going to look back at what I could have done differently, because to put it quite bluntly, I STILL FUCKING ROCK!

Instead, I'm going to turn my attention to Joe O. of the Bourbon Blasters who lost 56-74 to the Future Ex-Cons.

Joe picked up two running backs off the waiver wire last week: the Steelers' Isaac Redman and the Texans' Justin Forsett, all well and good. They both were nice waiver wire picks, considering that the Steelers' Rashard Mendenhall and Jonathan Dwyer were on the bench and that the Texans' Ben Tate also was on the bench.

In Joe's defense, he does a great job at making picks off the waiver wire week in and week out. Lesson for all of us: Watch the waiver wire!

However, when it came to putting the right one into the lineup, Joe failed. Why? He placed Forsett, a backup to Arian Foster, in the running back slot instead of Redman, who was a backup to no one. Redman naturally rocked with 25 points; Forsett didn't, with ZERO points. If only Joe had played Redman, Joe would have won 81-74.

Lesson for all of us: Play the right guy off the waiver wire and, in the process,...

Tuesday Morning QB: Roll the dice

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games. 

Well, this week I'm not going to look back at what I could have done differently, because to put it quite bluntly, I FUCKING ROCK!

With my 129-75 victory over Delusion of Adequacy, I vaulted into first place.

Instead, I'm going to look at what one of the other peons could have done differently to help himself to victory, namely one LOBO whose team Predator Press lost 87-82 to nonames.

LOBO played Larry Fitzgerald who had a measly 5 fantasy points instead of going with the gamble Titus Young but who all the fantasy football pundits had been hyping all week so why the hell not roll the dice?

Young had 29 points and would have given LOBO an overwhelming 106-87 win...

...but he had to be a PUSSY (nope, not just a lowercase non-bolded pussy, but uppercase bold PUSSY) and not take the chance on Young, who was second on the receiving depth chart after Nate Burleson broke a leg.

And LOBO knew better because during a Facebook conversation Monday night, he said this:

"L Fitz is always double-teamed and SF doesn't give up sh*t to WR. Barring an act of God, John Bray [nonames actually does have a name] should have this all wrapped up already."

Damned by his own words...all because he wouldn't roll the dice or to mix metaphors, "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run."

Tuesday Morning QB: If ONLY...

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

All it takes is one mistake.

Sometimes it comes on the front end; sometimes on the back end. For me, my error happened on the front end, but just as easily could have been on the back end.

It all began Thursday night. I had just gotten out of work. It was 8:15 p.m. and I wasn't thinking. I had a cold.

If ONLY paramedics had come to my house, maybe they could have saved me from my fate.

But alas they didn't and by 8:20, I already had lost this week's HBFFL game to Joe O's Bourbon Blasters; only the score had to be determined. That score would be 119 to 117. I left Seattle wide receiver Sidney Rice in at flex when I should have switched him out for one of three players: St. Louis running back Steven Jackson, New Orleans running back Darren Sproles or Oakland wide receiver Denarius Moore.

Rice only scored three fantasy points while Jackson and Sproles each scored 11, and Moore, 9.

I had forgotten a cardinal rule of fantasy football: recheck your lineup before Thursday night's game to see if there are any changes that need to be made. With Rice going up against the San Francisco defense, that is a change that definitely should have been made. To be honest, I probably would have gone with Moore, because I haven't been getting much from Jackson or Sproles and Moore has been on a roll.

But I didn't and for my transgression I paid heavily.

In the other league in which I play I made my crucial switch on the back end, only an hour and half before the start of Sunday afternoon's games, as I dropped San Francisco quarterback Alex Smith for Tampa Bay QB Josh Freeman and then put Freeman in over Detroit QB Matthew Stafford. It paid off with Freeman rolling with 38 points; Stafford had 17.

I won there 100 to 69. I just as easily could have lost as I did here in the HBFFL.

I looked yesterday to see if Freeman was available in the HBFFL. He was.

If ONLY...

Tuesday Morning QB: Tom Fucking Brady!

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games. 

While I could pick on Joe O's choice of Brian Hartline (5 fantasy points) over Percy Harvin (27 fantasy points, read them and weep, Texas cowboy) this week, I won't. Instead I have to single out one particular owner's QB choice. The owner is Renal Failure; his choice at QB, Robert Griffin III, who had an abysmal four fantasy points.

And who did RF leave on the bench?

Tom Fucking Brady, with 21 fantasy points, that's who.

So instead of winning 81-76 over Chris Cameron's Purple Drank squad, RF's squad lost 76-64. I admit RGIII has been looking good, but after Brady rolled last week with 40 fantasy points, I don't see how one could bench him. Not to mention that Brady is an elite quarterback and RGIII, as a rookie QB, is nowhere near that status.

Also if RF had played Brady and won, it would have been adding insult to injury because Chris is a huge Pats fan.

 It would have been like:

and at the hands of Tom Fucking Brady. Take that, biotch!"

Alas, because of RF's piss-poor QB decision-making, it wasn't to be.

The lesson here: Always play Tom Fucking Brady, no questions.

Tuesday Morning QB: A fighting chance at Flex

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

This week I only have one quibble with one team manager in our league and that is Bryan of Bald Spots, whom I have picked on previously, but can't help myself when the dude continues to make dumbass moves...or, as in the case this week, doesn't make any moves. In the process, he left 122 fantasy points on the bench.

I could pick on him for not moving either Andrew Luck or Eli Manning into the QB position over Alex Smith this week, with both Luck and Manning outscoring Smith, Luck especially with 20 more fantasy points even in a loss. That certainly contributed to his 116-90 loss to LOBO's Predator Press (who amazingly left 113 points on the bench, but still won, in no small part aided by Bryan's dumbass moves...or, as in the case this week, lack of moves, dumbass).

However, I want to single him out particularly for his lack of movement at the flex position from Week 2 to Week 3, and thus not giving himself a fighting chance. In Week 2, he chose Randy Moss and left Moss in there with Michael Turner AND DeAngelo Williams on the bench. Yes, it was Torrey Smith, at wide receiver, who unexpectedly exploded and would have been the ideal flex play for Bryan this week, but I think I would have gone with the proven experience of either of the two running backs.

Either one of those moves, in most weeks, would have given Bryan a fighting chance, and that's really what it comes down to: picking the players, especially at the flex position, who give you a fighting chance. What doesn't help is not even looking at your lineup before the next week, which is what I imagine happened with Bryan and what sometimes happens to all of us. But all it takes is two minutes, folks.

You'll see something like this:

Then it's easy-peasy to insert either Turner or Williams into the lineup and give yourself yes, that fighting chance you so richly deserve.

Image courtesy of Atom Smasher

Tuesday Morning QB: Canadians, eh...no question mark

Yes, Canadians, best known for hockey and curling...

 ...they really shouldn't play football.

To wit (or not too witty really when you think about it), this past weekend the two Canadians in our league, Canucklehead and nonamedufus, left a total of 236 points on their benches. Canucklehead left 133 points as he lost 105-71 to Joe; nonames, 103, 83-56 to me.

In Canucklehead's defense, even though he gave up the (much) larger portion of points I would have chosen most of the players he did too: Stafford over Rivers, Andre Johnson over Miles Austin and the Giants D over the Bills D. I would have played Ahmad Bradshaw in the flex spot over Tampa Bay's Mike Williams too. Even not choosing McGahee over Forte or Bradshaw wouldn't have been a bad choice under normal circumstances. How was he to know that Forte and Bradshaw would be injured? So I can't really fault him for much of anything other than his being Canadian, which is bad enough.

But not to be a sore winner or anything, I can fault nonames. In particular, I have to single out his choice of Reggie Bush over Michael Bush. Admittedly, I picked up Michael in the other league in which I play, but to pick him against Reggie? Nyuh. Reggie had 26 carries for 174 yards and two touchdowns for a total of 38 fantasy points in our league, while Michael had 14 rushes for 54 yards for a mere 5 points.

No shit, Sherlock.

Now so that you don't think I'm being too cruel to nonames, in his defense, selecting Aaron Rodgers (14 fantasy points) over Big Ben (21) most weeks is a no-brainer.

However, picking James Jones (0 fantasy points) over Victor Cruz (30) is...well...a brainer...right upside the head. Jones is as of yet an unproven quantity; Cruz, already a proven ass-kicker.

Sheesus, Canadians.

Keep your sticks on the ice already.

Tuesday Morning QB: Four numbnuts, three QBs, two kickers, one GRONK!

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.


Since this week I was almost fucking perfect in my selections this week and having scored the highest number of points this week among all the teams with 131 points, I'm going to look back at what the other managers could have done differently with their teams.

I only have one bone to pick with one manager for this week's games and that's with my opponent Troi who chose to use for his defense for his Future Ex-Cons the Detroit Lions instead of the New York Jets. The Jets D destroyed with 20 points; the Lions D piddled out a mere THREE points.

Speaking of THREE, I'm going to look back specifically at the draft, where I have to give a special shout out to Bryan who picked up THREE quarterbacks for his Bald Spots team. As if that isn't bad enough, his selections were, maybe with the exception of the first one, atrocious.

He started out all right with Eli Manning in the second round as the eight pick, but then holy shit did he go down hill as he then selected Andrew Luck in the eighth round as the eighth pick and finally Alex Smith in the 16th round with the eighth pick. The sad thing is he still has ALL THREE on his roster when I looked tonight. I hope he plans on ditching one or two of them soon and if he wants to ditch Manning to see what kind of luck (pun intended) he'll have with the other two, I'll be glad to pick up Manning.

The rest of the managers, to be honest, didn't fare too badly with their choice in QBs, but I have to give another shout out to four other managers who picked not just one kicker but TWO kickers (hey, at least, they didn't pick THREE). The four numbnuts are the two Canadians, nonamedufus and Canucklehead, and LOBO and RaiderDad. Canucklehead takes the cake by picking two kickers as his last two picks with John Kasay and Adam Vinatieiri. Not to be outdone, nonamedufus chose both Janikowski and Gould. LOBO selected Akers and Bironas; finally RaiderDad, with Mason Crosby and Matt Bryant.

Why I call the four numbnuts "numbnuts" is because kickers are a dime a dozen. You don't get that many points from them. You can find one on the waiver wire for the bye week or switch out whenever you need to do so -- same with tight ends, for the most part, except for a few like Rob Gronkowski (whom, oh, yeah, I have too -- read this and weep, mofos!).


Yes, I left Chris, RF and Joe alone this time, but don't worry they will fuck up at some point over the next 15 remaining weeks. Guaranteed and when they do, I'll be there to Tuesday Morning QB the whole fiasco...and ahem, speaking of numbnuts (and not to leave myself out this week), what kind of manager picks another TE after already having Gronk on his squad? Um, yeah, that would be this guy (pointing at myself). At least, it was the last pick of the draft and wasn't Tim Tebow.

Expectations for HBFFL 2012

Here we are, 2012. The fifth season of the HBFFL. Apparently the proper gift for a five year anniversary is wood. Really? Lame. Gift cards to Applebee's would seem more in order. Anyways...

So what can we expect from some of the owners of the league in 2012?

~Renal Failure will regal us with many 1v1 fighting videogame finishing move videos.



~Unfinished Person will use technology from a by-gone era to "watch" football games.

~What the Canuck will be using his Twittens to make lineup changes on his cell phone because in Canada it gets really cold by week two of the NFL season.

~NoNames also lives in Canada, but will have his access to Twittens restricted after beating up on What The Canuck in Week Six.

~Predator Press will set his lineup, re-set, re-set again, and then re-set again his lineup based on fantasy projections, as they change day by day.

~Bourbon Blasters will go rogue, return to cross dressing, and let his wife take over the team.

So there you have it.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Thank you, Tim Tebow (and Jesus?)

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

If I had the chance to do it again, the only thing I would have done differently this week in my matchup against What the Canuck?, which I won 102-57, would have been to play Brent Celek instead of Owen Daniels.

Celek had 26 fantasy points to Daniels' 3.

That way I could have crushed What The Canuck? by an even larger margin, 125-57.

And even though Tim Tebow didn't lead the Broncos to a win over the Patriots, he (and Jesus?) still led me to the win here.

Next week the angel Moroni leads me to the fifth place consolation crown.

2011 HBFFL Week Fourteen Fantasy MVPs

I gotta give the top MVP nod to the Gronk, despite the fact he was the fourth-highest scorer. Thirty-three points is unheard of for a tight end, and he set a record for most TD's in a season at the position. And then there's this play...



QB 1: M.Ryan 39 points (320 yds, 4 pass TD, +5 300+ yds, 1 40+ yd TD)
Future Ex-Cons

QB 2: T. Romo 39 points (321 yds, 4 pass TD, +5 300+ yds, 1 40+ yd TD)
Renal Failure

RB: M.J. Drew 37 points (85 yds, 2 rush TD, 51 rec yds, 2 rec TD)
Unfinished Person

WR: J. Jones 29 points (104 yds, 2 rec TD, 1 40+ yd TD, +5 100+ yds)
Predator Press

TE: R. Gronkowski 33 points (160 yds, 2 rec TD, +5 100+ yds)
Purple Drank

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: I'm just not that brutal and neither are Greg Jennings and DeMarco Murray

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

Last week prior to my matchup with him, Renal Failure asked me if I was this brutal.

Even though he might not have known it then, my wife and I don't have children (by choice)... ...so the answer, before I even faced him, was HELL NO.

Yes, this is true:

Created by Oatmeal

But when you think about it, that's pretty sad. Renal Failure probably could take at least 30 Justin Biebers in a fight, spit them out for breakfast and then eat them again for lunch. Dinner? Forget it. He'd devour a posse of Jonas Brothers and Jonas Brothers wanna- bes without blinking an eye.

I was flinchingly unbrutal in my contest against RF this past weekend as my players let injuries get the best of them.

Sunday afternoon, Greg Jennings sprained his left knee in the third quarter of his Packers' game against the Raiders.

Then Sunday night, DeMarco Murray suffered a broken right ankle in the first quarter of his Cowboys' game against the Giants.

Instead of playing through their injuries and propelling me to an upset win over RF to keep the People's Defending Champion *spitting* out of the playoffs, they left their respective games...

....but not respectably as each only scored TWO fantasy points.

I told our league's commissioner, Chris Cameron, that I wouldn't use this word in this post. However, after both Jennings and Murray let me down to a 94-92 loss to RF, I'm going to say it:

2011 HBFFL Week Thirteen Fantasy MVPs

Despite the fact Aaron Rodgers got the most points this week's MVP game ball goes to Percy Harvin. Why?

Rodgers has won it like a million times this season but also because Harvin will most likely get a migraine and retire before he graces the MVP list in the future.

QB: A. Rodgers 40 points (369 yds, 4 pass TD, 32 rush yds, 1 Int, +5 300+ yds)
nonames

RB 1: C. Johnson 34 points (153 yds, 2 rush TD +5 100+ yds, 1 40+ yd TD)
Renal Failure

WR: P. Harvin 34 points (156 yds, 19 rush yds, 2 rec TD, 2 40+ yd TD, +5 100+ yds)
Multiple Scoregasms

TE: R. Gronkowski 24 points (64 yds, 2 rec TD, 1 rush TD)
Purple Drank

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Thursday night games AND APYS

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

I coulda been a contender...

...for this year's playoffs except for two things:

1. Me ignoring the Thursday night rule.
2. Chris ignoring the APYS (Always Play Your Stud) rule.

When you have a Thursday night game, make sure you get the wrong quarterback out of your lineup and the right one in.

For me, the wrong one:

I should have known not to play a dude with a lame-ass goatee.

And the right one:

 

original photo courtesy of Open Sports via Flickr, with a little adaptation by me

Nine points for Vincey Young vs. 22 points for Timmy Tebow. I coulda, woulda, shoulda won 83-81 over What The Canuck? Not lost 81-70 as I didda.

Now Chris' mistake wasn't as large a point mistake as mine, but it was just as crucial as it allowed Renal Failure, the self-proclaimed People's Defending Champion, to win 99-97 over Chris' Purple Drank squad and not help my playoff chances as a result. Chris played this guy:

Hell, I'd play the guy based on this photo.

Instead of this guy:

photo courtesy of The Suss-Man via Flickr

Dude is so quick. He's a blur.

LeGarrette Blount only scored one point to Michael Turner's four points, but as even a fifth grader can tell you, four is more than one and in this case would have given Chris the one-point victory over RF, 100-99. Plus you never sit your studs.

Not sure how to find a stud...or even your studfinder? How about this?

comic via xkcd.com

For next time, Chris.

Purple Drank Will Make Renal Failure Fail

Sure, I'm in first place and have already clinched at least a #3 seed in the playoffs.



A happy moment indeed.

But does that mean I'm gonna mail it in when it comes to a grudge re-match this week between myself and Renal Failure, the defending champion?

Hell no.

Some owners think this is the kind of thing they should do, like this guy:

"I know if I deliberately lose, I'll get a better matchup. But, if I throw my game, it will affect other people's playoff hopes."

Effing noob. You know what's better than getting a better post-season matchup? Beating a team that has a playoff hope even when you are already in the playoffs.



Awesome indeed.

By the way, if you have to seek justification for being an asshole on a public forum perhaps it is not your cup of tea. Would a villain who kicks puppies ever ask an internet message board if it was the right thing to do? Just saying.

So I face a tough matchup this week against Renal Failure. He needs a win to retain his fourth seed playoff spot. But he has to beat me to keep that hope alive.

And just to ensure I will screw up his plans for a post-season slot I am employing a very special secret weapon for Week 13.

Yup, that's right, it is none other than FPS Doug from the Pure Pwnage internet tv series.



Hey Renal Failure...Boom Headshot!

2011 HBFFL Week Twelve Fantasy MVPs

QB: D. Brees 45 points (363 yds, 4 pass TD's, 1 rush TD, +5 300+ yds)
Bourbon Blasters

RB 1: C. Johnson 23 points (190 yds, +5 100+ yds, 1 fumb lost)
Renal Failure

RB 2: C. Benson 23 points (106 yds, 1 rush TD's, 24 rec yds, +5 100+ yds)
Bourbon Blasters

WR: V. Cruz 34 points (157 yds, 2 rec TD's, 1 40+ yd TD, +5 100+ yds)
Multiple Scoregasms

TE: J. Graham 20 points (84 yds, 2 rec TD)
nonames

Tom Brady passes backwards

Tom Brady with a negative 42 passing yards?

Hell, yeah, I'll take it!

Purple Drank Will Defeat Canuck with Mayhem

What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving? When it comes to fantasy football it is the fact I am 8-3 and in second place. I could be 6-5.

Flashback to Week Eleven...Monday night...

I'm down by nine with Gronk and NE defense left to play. Bald Spots, my opponent has Brady. That's usually a loss.

Final score? Purple Drank 131, Bald Spots 122.

For the second week in a row my opponent got Gronked and I got two more wins. But my team has also lost both Schaub and Cutler. Purple Drank is currently being led at QB by the likes of Andy Dalton and the newest member of the Kansas City Chiefs Kyle Orton.

This week I face What The Canuck?, a team not doing so well as of late. He's on a three-game slide and Fred Jackson is done for the year.

So I felt bad going with my scheduled secret weapon blatantly hinted at in the post title: Mayhem, from the insurance commercials. It seemed like overkill.

Instead, in Week Twelve my secret weapon is the guy from the Planet Fitness commercial.