Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The People's Retrospective on the 2008 Season

Well, the People's Champion Renal Failure finished a disappointing seventh place in the inaugural season of the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. But the People's Champion is far from disappointed. It was a hell of a fun season and we were happy to be part of it, even when we started 1-4. So now we want to look back on this past season and highlight some of the People's high and low points.

The People's MVP: Arizona WR Larry Fitzgerald. Week in and week out, only Fitzgerald provided consistent quality performances, starting for the Failure every week (except of course his bye week). He ended the season leading the HBFFL in points by a wide receiver with 245. Coming in a close second was San Diego QB Philip Rivers who finished fourth in points among QB's.

The People's Best Free Agent: Tennessee RB Chris Johnson. We picked him up early in the season when it became apparent that Joseph Addai was not going to be the productive high draft pick the so-called experts had claimed. And the move paid off. Johnson put up 214 points to Addai's 114 and gave the People's Champion much needed stability at running back. Now if only LenDale White didn't vulture so many TD's from Johnson...

The People's Biggest Failure: Cincinnati QB Carson Palmer. It's a double failure here. One because of his dismal performance at the beginning of the year and Two because we started him for those first two games instead of Philip Rivers, which definitely contributed to our dismal 0-2 start. And though fellow disappointment Addai was drafted higher, Carson was nowhere near as useful as Addai was (if only for a few weeks).

The People's Bipolar Award: Jacksonville RB Maurice Jones-Drew. He either put up 40 points or four. Every week was a roll of the dice. The People sure love excitement.

The People's How the Hell Did We Get Him Award?
A tie between Houston RB Steve Slaton and New England QB Matt Cassel. The Ramblers released Slaton mid-season and the People welcomed him in off the waiver wire, an event that still shocks us to this day. Slaton had more points at the end of the season than all of the Rambler running backs, including Brian Westbrook.

Cassel was a late-season pick-up and insurance policy if anything happened to star QB Philip Rivers, but we were surprised to see that What the Canuck? had not picked him up to replace the injured Tom Brady. Cassel ended the season with more points than Canuck's Brett Favre and Trent Edwards.

The People's Ace in the Hole: Our defense and kickers. The Philadelphia Eagles were the top scoring defense in the HBFFL and Eagles' kicker David Akers was the league's second-leading kicker. With Tennessee kicker Rob Bironas (1oth) and Chicago's D (5th) backing them up, Renal Failure found unconventional ways to put points on the board.

The People's Scourge: Dallas Fucking Clark. Forget our Week 13 loss to Fantasy Virgin, this is why we didn't make the playoffs.

This was Renal Failure's first ever fantasy football season and we look forward to coming back next year to represent The People.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Fantasy Virgin Wins HBFFL Super Bowl

Folks, if you are just tuning in, I'm Greg Gumbel. Usually that is all you need to know but if you really want the HBFFL Super Bowl results, Leigh from Leigh Online's fantasy football team Fantasy Virgin have beaten Chris Cameron's team, La Machine 95-94.

We now go live to Jim Nantz who's standing by at the Super Bowl award ceremony, sponsored by Iced Gravy. Nothing refreshes like Iced Gravy. Try the new veal and pork flavors today at your local Kroger's. Jim?

So I said rectum, it damn near killed 'em! What we're live?

I'm Jim Nantz and here is the HBFFL's commisioner, Chris Cameron to present both the Championship and the MVP trophy in what was an amazing season of fantasy football. Chris?

Thanks Jim, Greg, and to everyone involved in our first season of the HBFFL. It was a fun ride and there were lots of twists and turns, especially when our league lost its only sponsor, IndyMac. We found another sponsor and even our worst teams won more games then the Detroit Lions. In the end the two best teams played each other in a championship match for the ages.

On behalf of the HBFFL I am proud to present the 2008 Chico's Bail Bonds Championship Trophy to Leigh and the Fantasy Virgins. Congratulations Leigh.

The 2008 HBFFL Super Bowl MVP is awarded to the highest-scoring player in the Championship game. This year the award goes to quarterback Jay Cutler who threw for 359 yards and two touchdowns. He also ran for 30 yards. Congratulations Jay.


[Don't forget to see what Rambler got you all for Christmas.]

Secret Santa visits the HBFFL for Tuesday Morning QB

It's only appropriate that our league's season winds down right near Christmas. So in the spirit of Christmas, here's what Secret Santa (not so secret really) has for the members of our league, from 1 to 9.

For Leigh, our champion: something from The King.

For Chris, who lost only by one point: your own Crown Royal for putting up such a good fight. Just be careful, you don't get bitten.

For Matt, who lost by a few more than that to the third place Ramblers, thanks to Kurt Warner's 1-point performance: a partial-frontal view of what Secret Santa would guess is your favorite drummer based on the name of your team.

For Paula, who took fifth place in the league, and who last week challenged Leigh to a fight: here's a lesson from Amanda Bynes on how to fight (or not):

Lobo from Predator Press: A basket of kittens, because earlier in the season, you said your team feeds on them.

Renal Failure: Power to The People, Right On! Hopefully next season, this will help, my brother.

A0E: Another term in office. Secret Santa is missing your blog posts. No joke.


Rickey: A book you might want to read before next season. Luckily, there's some in stock.

And, since you might not be into the Christmas thang, here's a song for you:

And to all a good night, no matter what you're celebrating. Happy Holidays!

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Last Week of the HBFFL Season

Man time flew by didn't it? Here we are already at the end of our first season. Before we give last call to the HBFFL for 2008 we do have a few more games left to play.

Here we go...

We've got me versus Leigh in the HBFFL Super Bowl. We have The Ramblers and The White Strypers playing for third place. Googly Eyed Goons faces Predator Press for fifth place and Renal Failure meets The Crooks for seventh place.

What about the awesome NFL matchups this weekend as a bonus? Carolina plays the Giants for the #1 seed. New England and Arizona will be playing in a snowstorm. Pittsburgh faces Tennessee in a game that determines the #1 seed in the AFC.

As for my Superbowl matchup this week, I feel like Neo in the Burly Brawl going up against Leigh...

She has Drew Brees, Micheal Turner, and Adrian Peterson. I have a questionable Clinton Portis, a Sammy Morris who will be playing in a snowstorm, and a Frank Gore who is a game-time decision.

Don't cry for me Argentina. I still have Cutler and McNabb, who is a fantasy football point mecca right now as another QB option. I also have T-Gon, Santana Moss, and Kevin Walter.

I'll bring the noise no matter what, isn't that right Chuck D?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Tuesday Afternoon Quarterback: Sorry, I couldn't muster up energy for morning

The first time we played this season Leigh spanked me 107-78, I wrote this: in which I recounted past traumas of getting beaten up by girls.

The second time, she spanked me 168-67, I wrote this, and then even crowned her the Queen of the HBFFL:

And now she’s spanked me again, 117-88, this time in the most humiliating defeat of all, as with her victory, she goes on to the championship game against Chris Cameron, and with my loss, I go to face Matt with his White Strypers for the third time. At least, he didn’t me spank me both times we faced each other.

The first time, I demolished him 112-62, and then the second time he thought that 62 sounded so good that he held me to that same number as he scored 101 points.

In those first few posts about Leigh, I included all kinds of "poorly photoshopped crap" as my friend Poobomber over at The Other Side of Normal or "Mad Photoshopping Skillz" as I call them here and on my own blog. This time, I don’t think I can muster up the energy to "design" one.

Leigh has zapped me of all my energy.

Instead, I found a picture online that I think sums up how I feel. To see how I feel, click here.

Yep, that bad.

I’ve learned that Leigh is neither a fantasy virgin nor a fantasy slut. No, she is a fantasy dominatrix who will just leave you like that picture on the streets of Soho.

At least, that’s how I feel after this season.

Thanks, Leigh, for making my life a miserable hell. I just hope I can make it back to full strength for this weekend in time to face Matt.

Monday, December 15, 2008

La Machine Rolls Along In Playoffs

What was that they say about the third time?

I played The White Strypers twice during the regular season and lost both times.

Welker and Warner helped them but in the end they could not counter the point production of Tony Gonzalez, Santana Moss, and my late-season pickup Sammy Morris.

After three tries I finally beat The White Strypers which leads to the obvious question...who do I face in the Finals?

Fantasy Virgin has a twelve-point cushion but Rambler has Brian Westbrook going tonight.

EDIT: I'm an idiot. Leigh is up 117-85 which is a 32-point cushion. Unless Westbrook has a big game which is possible I will face The Fantasy Virgin in the playoffs.

On a side note the two teams that lose this week in both the playoffs and the consolation rounds play for 3rd and 7th place respectively in week 16.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Upping the Ante

I was in the middle of writing this Thursday during the ice storm in New England. Talk about gambling. The electricity flirted with being on and off until finally at 1:30 am there was a large noise outside like something huge powering down and then no power until midnight Friday. Got cable, hot water, and heat back today. Tomorrow morning will be my first shower in four days. I'm lucky. Some towns and cities like Derry, NH with a population of over 30,000 are out until next week.

On a lighter note I've got a bet to make things more interesting...

I will bet a guest post on my winning the Championship. If I do not go 2-0 I will write a guest post for the League Champion.

Any of the other three playoff teams want to wager a guest post they win it all? Same bet, you win I post for you, you lose you post for league champion.

I'll even go a step further.

If any of the other six teams want to get in on the bet here is your chance. If I win you write a post for me. If I lose I write a post for you.

You have to specifically say you want to be in any of these bets though, it isn't carte blanc for the entire league.

What say you?

Monday, December 8, 2008

Nyuh, THIS is IT!

I'm foregoing my usual Tuesday Morning Quarterback, and because with no players left to play, Rickey has lost this week's fantasy game to me 112-15 (so far, and I still have one player left to play), I'm just cutting right to the chase for a special edition on Monday Morning! Yay! Aren't you (well, except Rickey) happy about that?

In the last post when Chris said "This is it," he left a YouTube video to accompany his post from the song "If this is it" from Huey Lewis and the News (I won't repeat the abomination). I, for one, was disappointed, because when I think of "This is it", the song of which I think is this one:

Admittedly, I usually don't think of Kenny looking like Jesus holding a glowing orb that looks like one of the palantírs. However, when I think of the song "This is it," this is what immediately comes to mind, not Huey Lewis.

Also while we're admitting things here, I admit that I'd much rather look at bikini-clad women at least for part of Huey's video than stare at that picture of Kenny for 3 minutes and 59 seconds. I even asked my wife of what song she thought when I said "This is it", and she said the Kenny Loggins song.

So there, Chris.


Am I going to talk about fantasy football? Oh, yes. But I just first needed to clear the air about my thoughts on the "This is it" debacle.

And unlike where Chris wrote "This is it!", now this really is it as the playoffs begin. He and I clinched the last two spots with our victories. Chris won (so far 110-38) his game against Canucklehead unless Tampa Bay's Antonio Bryant has a jaw-dropping game to make up the 71-point margin, but somehow methinks not (sorry, Canucklehead, but it's true).

At last check, I will be facing off against my nemesis Leigh, coach of the wrongly-named Fantasy Virgin team in the first round of the playoffs next week. In our first game, she spanked me and in our second meeting, she spanked me again. Fantasy virgin, my ass (literally!).

This time I make no predictions. I will not taunt. I will not be a douche bag (I have enough of them on my team, thank you very much). I will just say this:
Let the best MAN win.
Hopefully, I don't flub it like this "best man":

although, one last admission, I hope to knock Leigh off her pedestal.

Friday, December 5, 2008

This Is It

Week Fourteen, the last of the regular season for our inaugural run of the HBFFL has arrived. Three teams are viably fighting for the last two playoff spots. A fourth has an outside chance. There also is the Consolation Bowl for the #5-8 teams.

I just hope none of the games are on Shabbos cause I sure as shit don't f-ing roll!

We know that Fantasy Virgin, thanks to a lot of spanking of opponents and a five-game win streak has clinched a playoff spot. We know that The White Strypers won a key game vs La Machine last week and they clinched.

What about the 3rd and 4th seeds you ask? And the Runner-Up Bowl? Here we go...

The #3 and 4 spots are still up for grabs and the winner of the Renal Failure/Predator Press matchup still has a shot at the playoffs as well. Well, RF more then LOBO due to points. More on that below...

The numbers in parentheses are the points scored differentials.

La Machine clinches with:

-a win
-a loss and a Renal Failure loss
-a loss, a Renal Failure win, and higher points then Renal Failure (+16)
-a loss, a Predator Press win, and higher points then Predator Press (+132)
-a loss, a Renal Failure win, a Ramblers loss, and higher points then Ramblers (+31)

Ramblers clinch with:

-a win
-a loss and a Renal Failure loss
-a loss, a Renal Failure win, and higher points then Renal Failure (-25)
-a loss, a Predator Press win, and higher points then Predator Press (+101)
-a loss, a Renal Failure win, a La Machine Loss loss, and higher points then La Machine (-31)

Renal Failure clinches with:

-a win and a loss by the Ramblers and higher points scored then Ramblers (+25)
-a win and a loss by LaMachine and higher points scored then LaMachine (-16)
-a win and a loss by both teams and higher points scored then at least one of them (-16, +25)

Predator Press clinches with:

-a win and a loss by the Ramblers and higher points scored then Ramblers (-101)
-a win and a loss by LaMachine and higher points scored then LaMachine (-132)
-a win and a loss by both teams and higher points scored then at least one of them (-101, -132)

In the Consolation Bowl the Crooks have the #7 spot locked up and #5-6 depend on the outcome of three matchups.

The Goons and Canucks face off for the #8 spot.

Good luck everyone and may the force be with you.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


I started the year with such high hopes. Those hopes lasted about 8 seconds until my starting QB, Tom Brady (who I don't even like - but how can you release him?) went down. In retrospect, I guess I should have known then - yet I perservered, but sadly did not prevailed.

Well, at this point all I can do is try to save face ... go out on a high note - maybe set an example for my beloved Bills. We both started out well but eventually went down like a drunk socialite at last call. Next year. It has become my mantra ... next year. I wish all of my fellow competitors all the best as we head down the home stretch. I'd like to end on a positive note, you know - it's been fun or some other crap I don't really believe. Here it is - next year I will crush you all. Like bugs. Book it. Done. In the meantime, you can find me plotting my revenge HERE.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Won't Someone Think of the People?

Week 13 for the Failure...

When you shoot at the Queen, you'd better not miss.

The People's Champion missed hardcore in Week 13, losing 119-98. Things looked particularly good after Thursday's Thanksgiving games, then we had a Mets-like collapse (sorry Rickey, we're angry and blindly lashing out in pain here). Now we're on the outside looking in regarding the Real Playoffs and we need the Hand of God, the Elbow of Allah, and the Shoulder of Zoroaster to slip in as the Four Seed (which would pit us against The Queen again, won't that be nice...).

So let's dole out the blame for why the only thing the People's Champion is Championing is either fifth or sixth place...

For starters Renal Failure ourselves are to blame for playing Hines Ward and Maurice Jones-Drew instead of Bernard "99-yard TD reception" Berrian and Steve "35 Fantasy Points" Slaton. Actually, Paula is partly to blame because I wanted to trade Jones-Drew for Roddy White before the deadline and she didn't go for it. If she had, I would have played Slaton and the People would be in a much better mood today.

I blame Philip Rivers for not showing up this Sunday. Though I also have to blame backup Matt Cassel for putting up the same amount of dismal points, thereby tempering my fury at Rivers.

I blame the Chicago Bears defense for only putting up 4 points and for letting Adrian Peterson put up big numbers on them.

But woe to Predator Press if they think The People's Champion will go out quietly in this last game of the regular season. The People's Champion will go out loud and obnoxiously, with possibly some crying too. Because that's how the People roll.

Tuesday Morning QB: Douche bag No. 1 in the NFL

In an earlier post this season, I singled out this guy

Larry Johnson

for being one of these


, i.e. douchebag (sic), after facing his third assault charge against a woman in five years.

Since then, I've learned a couple of things:
  1. The correct spelling of douche bag is two words, according to Katie Keenan from Columbia University.
  2. Johnson is now facing another assault charge as a result of an incident after my original post.
  3. Johnson is not the biggest douche bag in the NFL.


Yes, by virtue of being charged with not just one, but two felony counts of criminal possession of a weapon in the second degree Monday, Plaxico Burress has claimed the throne, for now, of No. 1 douche bag in the NFL. According to an ESPN article,

Burress, who accidentally shot himself Friday night in the right thigh at a Manhattan nightclub, did not enter a plea on the class C felony charges, though his attorney said Burress planned to plead not guilty.
Great quotes from the article include this quote from his lawyer, Benjamim Brafman:

"He is standing tall. He is a mature adult."
Uh, huh, sure.

And this quote from Paul Browne, NYP Deputy Commissioner for Public Information:
"It was a universe of silence after this shooting."
I, for one, as an owner of Burress on my fantasy squad, will not be silent. I will be benching him in favor of Domenik Hixon, who I picked up today off the free agency list. I'd like to kick his ass to the curb but under the rules of our league (no, honest) he is an undroppable player-- and I don't think anyone is going to want to trade for him. Anyone want a gunshot player, who already had a hamstring injury? Anyone? If so, let me know. I'll be happy to trade him for whatever douche bag you can offer.


Oh, yeah, FYI: Like the Giants this past week, I did win this past week, despite not having Burress in my lineup. Next up: The Menschwarmers, and then if I win, I get to face Leigh, who already has spanked me twice, in the first round of the playoffs.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Who can stop this blonde menace?

Leigh addresses the HBFFL...

There is a terrible tyrant at the top of the standings, and the task of toppling this despot falls to Renal Failure this week. And the Failure is up to the task. Why?

Because Renal Failure is the People's Champion.

See, Leigh is the Queen of Fantasy Football, and it's always the People who rise up to overthrow an abusive monarchy. And a 101-point margin of victory over The Ramblers more than qualifies as abusive. And Renal Failure is just the team to help the people rise up and cast off these oppressive chains. Why?

Because Renal Failure is the People's Champion.

Yes, Leigh put up more points in one week than Renal Failure has put up in the last two. Yes, Leigh has not only the top quarterback but the top two running backs in the league as well. Yes, Leigh destroyed the us in Week Four 121-94 and also has a four-game winning streak just like we do. But that doesn't matter here in Week 13. Why?

Because Renal Failure is the People's Champion.

If Leigh wins this week, she just doesn't beat Renal Failure, she beats The People. She beats all of you (and clinches the number one seed in the playoffs while putting our playoff hopes in the Intensive Care Unit). This week we are all Renal Failure. It's like being Spartacus, but less greasy.

But even though the task is tall and the Queen is most formidable, there is something in The People's favor: Matchups. Super QB Drew Brees plays a tough Tampa Bay defense and Adrian Petersen has to run against the Bears. The People's running backs Chris Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew have favorable matchups against Detroit and Houston, and Philip Rivers has Atlanta who is 23rd in pass defense. Unfortunately Terrell Owens also gets to play against a porous Seattle squad, but we can't make it easy for the People's Champion now can we?

The People have spoken, and they want freedom.

Tuesday Morning QB: All hail, the Queen of the HBFFL!

So as I mentioned yesterday, Leigh spanked me again, but I didn't have the final score included then. However, this morning in the comments of that post, Leigh rubbed it in: "Actually, the final score was 168-67, and the margin of victory, in itself, was more than what 8 of the other teams scored," adding "but I'm humble."

Hell, she doesn't have to be humble. With a combined 85 points, her top two players, Drew Brees and Michael Turner (who would've thunk, Brees and Turner?!?), outscored my entire team and that wasn't even counting T.O. and Steve Smith with a combined 53 points themselves.

In fact, I will go so far as to crown Leigh the Queen of the HBFFL, because that's what she is. With a record of 9-3, she stands alone atop the standings.

queen leigh

Yeah, yeah, you show her some respect, beyotch.

No second guessing here today or talking about percentages. Leigh's got them all covered.

You rock, Queen Leigh, and in your honor, a little Queen:

I tried to find an appropriate Queen Latifah video, but none of them really worked, although this one is pretty close to working.

For all you ladies in the house...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Spanked again!

spanking in school

Leigh puts the hurting on me again. In our first meeting, she spanked me 107-66. So far, this time, with one game left, she has gone

on my ass again 123-32, and she looked damn good doing it too, thanks to big days from both T.O. and Michael Turner. Fantasy slut.

More analysis on my feature Tuesday Morning Quarterback tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Some weeks you're Ralph Macchio, other weeks you're William Zabka

Things can wildly change from week to week here in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League... like the mood of a bipolar drunk girl whose phone calls to her boyfriend are going unanswered.

Last week, Renal Failure were the plucky underdogs against heavy favorite La Machine, and the Failure won with big games from unlikely players such as Joseph Addai and Hines Ward (and as always Larry Fitzgerald). This week, armed with a three-game winning streak, Renal Failure (6-5) now finds itself as the Apollo Creed/Clubber Lang/Ivan Drago to the Googly-Eyed Goons' (4-7) Rocky Balboa. Even worse, momentum and the projected stats are with the Failure... which as we've seen before can only mean disaster for us.

Or does it?

All is not meek and mild on Paula's roster of Goons. She fronts the third and fourth best receivers in the league, and running back Kevin Smith (who I released earlier in the season when he apparently had polio)has been on a hot streak lately. That's very bold for an underdog team. Too bold.

And this isn't the same Renal Failure as seen in previous outings. The waiver wire brought us the bounty known as Steve Slaton (thanks Ramblers), giving the Failure the deepest running back corps in the league (even deeper than Fantasy Virgin's Adrian Petersen/Michael Turner/Matt Forte/Cedric Benson quartet). When it comes to the RB and W/R positions, there is little chance that we can't find a quality match-up for maximum pointage.

Three games are left in the regular season and Renal Failure finds themselves one game out of the Top Four. Even if we win the rest of our games, there's no guarantee that we make the playoffs. Depending on what La Machine, Fantasy Virgin, The Ramblers, The White Strypers, and Predator Press do with their remaining games, we could be on our way to a tie-breaker situation so massive that Donovan McNabb would still not be able to understand it even with flowcharts and puppets.

Tuesday Morning QB: Lessons learned

Don't taunt your opponent in the comments on his blog.

Well, while I did shamelessly taunt Canucklehead in last week's edition of Tuesday Morning QB, I didn't taunt him in the comments on his blog-- and as a (I believe, direct) result, won 85-69 against his What the Canuck? team.

Don't believe everything you read.

Even though some sites that I frequent are high on a player (Tim Hightower) doesn't mean said player will actually put up high scores (unless you're in the world of Sesame Street and 3 is a big number):

Don't believe a player's previous game's stats.

T.J. Houshmandzadeh had only 65 yards for a whopping 6 fantasy points in Week 9 against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

This week, he had an eye-popping 149 yards and one touchdown for an ass-kicking 25 points.

Don't believe the hype.

On paper, based on records, La Machine and The White Strypers should have destroyed Renal Failure and Washington Crooks, respectively.

But both acronymic RF and AoE pulled out the win over two guys just content to use their real names Chris and Matt. Now that I'm using the UR symbol, maybe my luck will change:


Names of teams sometimes don't reflect the level of experience of a team.

Leigh is no fantasy virgin, as she now stands alone atop the HBFFL with an 8-3 record. If I dare say it --and I dare-- she is a fantasy slut.

Unfortunately, for me, I am facing Leigh this week, and last time I faced her I was spanked 107-66.

Next week's No. 1 lesson learned: Don't bring up past losses to an opponent you're playing that week-- and, oh, don't call her a slut, even if in jest.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Oh The Humanity!

My abysmal score this past week reminded me of this clip from the classic 'Turkeys Away' episode of WKRP in Cincinnati...

...only Les Nesman was recording my team's crash and burn.

Congrats to Renal on the win and everyone else who has beaten me so far. Let's see if you can best me in the post season.

Clinging to my guns

Washington strikes again!!!

My 401K is down 45%.
I'm being forced to take a 2-week break over Christmas as a result of the bad economy.
Keith Olbermann and Bill O'reilly have invaded my dreams. (not in that way...yet)
Gas prices are forcing me to go without eating.
Obama wins, and yet I still may have to see Hillary for the next 8 years.

And now, the Crooks from Washington place a major stumbling block in the path of the Strypers to gain the first title of the HBFFL.

Nearly ever player on the Washington franchise outperforms the "Expert Analysis" from Yahoo.

Not even the Beyonce ad on the right-hand side of the yahoo page could help the Strypers from getting beat. Jay-Z be damned.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Still around... at least for another week

When your wide receiver, running back, and tight end put up only one point between the three of them, there's only one way you're going to win that week... if your opponent doesn't show up.

But our luck of facing teams who have forgotten to field full lineups has run out. Now we've got first-place La Machine this week and it doesn't look good, even on a Tuesday. The leading scorers in the league are projected for 94 points while Renal Failure is projected for 83... and Chris hasn't even put in his usual starters Santana Moss and Clinton Portis yet.

(Note: Paula's Googly-Eyed Goons are in a similar position, as Leigh's Fantasy Virgin is projected for 99 points to Paula's 88, but it looks like she can't really improve upon that lineup.)

Also going against us is the fact that the last time Renal Failure had a two-game winning streak The Ramblers whipped out an improbable Dallas Clark 21-point game to take us down.

(Note: TE Kellen Winslow put up 28 this week for Rickey Henderson's Menchwarmers... what is it with tight ends and causing pain for Renal Failure? And Chris has Tony Gonzales... super...)

So this week we find the trends are against Renal Failure, making us the spunky underdogs in this struggle. So that would make La Machine the snobby rich kids' camp from across the lake who want to shut us down. And how do you win against the snobby rich kids' camp? You drill holes in their canoes, spike their lunches with laxatives, and have sex with their hottest girl so that she helps you instead of her jerk boyfriend who takes her for granted. What that translates to in Fantasy Football-speak, I'm not sure. But I'm sure it involves big weeks from Chris Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew, everyone on La Machine having strokes, and AOE trading me Anquan Boldin for shiny trinkets and blankets full of polio.

Renal Failure is one game behind The Ramblers for that last playoff spot, along with Predator Press. The Preds have the Menschwarmers this week and the Ramblers have possible bad karma from last week lingering over them on top of a tough match-up against What the Canuck? It's going to be a messy race for that last spot, and some teams might not have towels.

Tuesday Morning QB: Delayed karma

This week it wasn't so much instant karma as it was delayed karma, which brings me to:

Rule #338 of Fantasy Football: Don't taunt your opponent in a comment on one of his/her blog entries.

To wit, on Friday I commented on a post by Matt of That Tears It..., who coaches The White Strypers, in a, let's say, less than encouraging manner. To his post titled "Top 5 Kicks in the Crotch," among which he counted Michael Jordan in the 1997 and 1998 NBA finals putting the kabosh on the Utah Jazz, I had this to say, and I quote:

I was a huge Jordan fan, and I'd like to say I feel for you on those Jazz losses, but sorry, not really. ;) However, I still think this was a funny post and not just because the Jazz lost.
Matt's well-articulated response:
Jordan is swine.
I must have forgotten that I was playing Matt this weekend in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. So not surprisingly, delayed karma got me as I got my ass kicked: 101-62.

Kudos, Matt.

So reminder to self: this week if you go to visit Canucklehead's site, since you are playing his team, What the Canuck?, don't say anything that will come back and bite you in the ass. For example, don't mention that:
  • you really aren't a beer drinker (although you occasionally like a Canadian whiskey),
  • you hate hockey (even before Sarah Palin besmirched its image, which didn't need much help to be besmirched anyway)
  • not only do you not know any of the answers to the questions he's asking for a contest to win an ad for a month on his blog, but also
  • you do not have the time or inclination to scroll back through hundreds of his posts to find the answers.

At least, I didn't put any of that in a comment to one of his posts, huh?

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Quick! Where Does Anquan Boldin LIVE?

Predator Press


Yes there is a massive reward for anyone who provides Predator Press custody of Anquan Boldin for a good ... oooo I'd say maybe 24 hours.

We have calculated the he has had a string of 1425 unanswered "Bad Hair Days," as evidenced by the attached photo with numerous "$" symbols on it.

... We just want to ask him a few questions, really.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Leave Canucklehead Alone!

You know - I'm speechless. And that does not happen very often. Really.
I start the season out just awful (you suck Brady) -- resigned myself to the fact actually.
But wait ... what's that sound? The tables ... they are turning.
This is going to be great! Oh, no - wait ... I suck again. (C'mon Bills!)
I've decided to turn to my rock - my source - my touchstone to do my speaking for me ...

So ... go ahead ... hit me baybee one more time!


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Hollow victories are still victories... they just echo

Renal Failure is pleased that they were the only team to crack the 100 point mark in our much-needed victory this week... however, intellectual and professional honesty must point out that our opponents The Washington Crooks would have had us beat if AOE remembered that Chris Chambers was on a bye had played the only other eligible wide receiver on his bench, Derrick Mason.

Then again, after getting beat two weeks ago by a 22-point day by a tight end we firmly believe the Fantasy Football gods owed us a solid.

And so the Failure stands at 4-5 after one go-round through the league, only two games behind the four-car pileup taking up the primary playoff slots. Unfortunately the schedule doesn't look kind for us. Renal Failure is a combined 1-4 against the remaining teams. Yes, one of those teams is The Menschwarmers (1-8, but we're the 1) and Rickey's been the deadbeat dad of the HBFFL, but that just means that this is the week Rickey starts paying attention, mainly out of spite because Renal Failure roots for the World Fucking Champion Phillies and Rickey supported the non-playoff-making Mets.

After that it's La Machine (the only other team in the league to score more points than the Failure), Paula's Googly-Eyed Goons (also 4-5 and hungry for a playoff spot), Fantasy Virgin (no one give her a good second receiver or we're all dead), and Predator Press (who beat us by 55 in Week 5).

But you can't count out a team that has put up 888 points in 9 weeks. At least not for another week or two. Renal Failure has the top kicker (David Akers) and defense (Da Bears) in the league, Philip Rivers is third in quarterback points, Larry Fitzgerald is second for receivers, and Chris Johnson is sixth in points for running backs. If Maurice Jones-Drew finds some consistency and Bernard Berrian can keep up his torrid pace, we'll have to re-institute the 120+ rule for defeating the Failure.

At the very least, Renal Failure has a lot of attractive talent to trade for. At the very middle, Renal Failure has the capability to spoil a lot of teams chances for the playoffs. At the very best, Renal Failure will be a team you won't want to face in the first round of the playoffs.

Tuesday Morning QB: If only...

If only...

I thought for this week's Tuesday Morning QB, I would play a game of "if only" in honor of the election. On my own blog, I wrote a post based on what might happen if McCain-Palin wins in response to a letter from Focus on the Family on what they thought might happen if Obama-Biden wins. Here, I thought I'd write what could have happened in two games: the game between Chris Cameron of Angry Seafood's La Machine and Leigh of leighonline's Fantasy Virgin, and the one between myself and Lobo of Predator Press. Each of the two games were close, with Leigh edging Chris 89-87 and Lobo edging me 86-81.

However, Leigh could have had even more points, if only she had played Donald Driver at wide receiver, who played in 45 percent of leagues and had 24 points, she could have had even a larger margin of victory. Instead, she chose to play Chansi Stuckey (uh, he's wide receiver for the Jets, in case you've never heard of him, I hadn't) who had a whopping zero points.

Luckily, she was led by Matt Ryan, played in a mere 28 percent of public leagues, with 23 points and Adrian Peterson, played in only 24 percent of public leagues, with 24 points. So she didn't have to worry-- well, not too much.

Meanwhile, on Chris' side, if only he had played McNabb, played in 82 percent of public leagues, who ended up with 34 points instead of Cutler, played in 75 percent of public leagues, who had 32 points, he could have secured a tie, at least.

And if only he had played Chad Johnson, played in 55 percent of public leagues, instead of Kevin Walter, 48 percent of public leagues, he could have had Johnson's 14 points instead of Walter's lousy four points.

I could have secured a tie in my game with Lobo if only...

I hadn't played Plaxico Burress, 89 percent of public leagues, who had three points and instead had played Jerricho Cotchery, 65 percent of leagues, who had six points...


I had played Willie Parker, 34 percent of public leagues, with 13 points instead of Steve Slaton, 62 percent of public leagues, with 11 points.

THEN if only I had played Arizona's D, played in only 29 percent of public leagues, which ended with 14 points, instead of Pittsburgh's D, 71 percent of public leagues, with 13 points.

I would have won by ONE point.

Tomorrow, the REAL if only begins with all the political pundits. No matter who wins, I'm just glad we don't have cable or satellite so I won't have to hear it 24-7.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tuesday Morning QB on Wednesday:

Thanks to this player pictured at left, I was able to defeat Renal Failure this past weekend 104-93. His name: Dallas Clark.

No, he's not the Dallas from Phoenix like in the movie Forrest Gump, although that would have been pretty cool. No, this Dallas is originally from Livermore, Iowa and even has his own dedicated page on the town website. I don't know much about Livermore, but if it's like backwater dirt towns here in Pennsylvania, it probably needs to have some claim to fame, because there's probably not much else to the town. Notice, all you Livermore citizens, I say "probably" because for all I know there could be more to your town than just Dallas Clark.

He now is tight end with the Indianapolis Colts and even though they lost to the Tennessee Titans this past weekend 31-21, Clark scored two touchdowns and 21 fantasy points for me, helping me to the win. Thanks, Dallas.


I only took one gamble by the percentages with my team this past weekend, and it was a wash. Moments before the New York Giants were to play the Steelers, Plaxico Burress was taken out of the starting lineup. So I gambled and went with Domenik Hixon, who started for Burress, but only was played in 2 percent of public leagues on Yahoo. He yielded an amazing 1 point! But Burress didn't do much better by yielding only one point too.

Two guys I kept on the bench: Jerricho Cotchery, played in only 53 percent of public leagues on Yahoo, and Mewelde Moore, played in only 37 percent of public leagues on Yahoo, each yielded 15 points.

As for my opponent, though, two of his studs, Hines Ward and MJD only yielded three points each. Ouch. That hurts.


Meanwhile, The White Strypers led by Matt from That Tears It... got great performances from Nate Washington (Ward's counterpart), who was only expected to have five points, but had 12, and Kurt Warner, only expected to have 23 points, yet had 36 points. They helped him to a 96-91 victory over Leigh from leighonline.

Meanwhile, Lobo from Predator Press in his 81-71 loss to Canucklehead, forgot to play a defense! I suppose Lobo is too focused on his election campaign for John Nobody as evidenced bythe recent debate he had against Don Lewis. I know it's getting closer, but I still haven't made up my mind -- at least between these two. This weekend, I face off against Lobo in a highly-anticipated matchup (at least by me), because any time

Sorry for the lateness of my post. My computer was down for a couple days and I just got it back today.

Preds Introduce Motivational Mascot to Bolster Morale, Performance

Predator Press


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Finding new creative ways to lose

Play along with us for a second...

If your team was going into Monday night down four points, your productive running back is waiting playing that night, and the only player left on the opposition's team is the tight end. Would you think your chances of pulling out a win are better than usual?

If you said "yes," then you obviously are not Renal Failure.

21 points by Dallas Clark. 21 points by the frelling tight end. When does a tight end put up that many points? He was projected for 5. Chris Johnson puts up a respectable 14 and a tight end blows him out of the water with 21? Renal Failure is the home of wild fabrications and outright lies, but even we couldn't fabricate that outcome.

Yes, Hines Ward, Jeremy Shockey, and Maurice Jones-Drew ended up being worthless for the Failure this week, and LenDale White and Anquan Bolden sapped potential scores away from Chris Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald, but 22 points from a tight end? Yes, we fully expected Brian Westbrook to get an obscene amount of points. He's Brian Westbrook, that's what he does. That's all he does. But Dallas Clark? Dallas Clark?

So now to beat Renal Failure you either have to score 120+ points or have their tight end have the game of the frickin' year.

The universe has spoken... and it has deemed Renal Failure's season to be over.

The trends don't favor Renal Failure. Our season has gone loss, loss, win, loss, loss, win, win, loss. If the pattern holds, Renal Failure will lose this week against the Washington Crooks before winning the next three straight games and then ending with losses for the last two. That would put us at 8-8, which will definitely not make the playoffs.

(Edit: Or as Chris so helpfully pointed out, it's only a 14-game regular season, so we'd be 6-8, which is even worse)

Sure, we're only two games behind the 5-3 White Strypers and Fantasy Virgin squads for the last playoff spots, and Renal Failure's scoring prowess could possibly win the point-total tie breakers with most teams, but no one can be optimistic after losing because of a tight end's 22-point day.

The trading deadline is November 21st. Renal Failure might be calling that Fire Sale Day. And we like fire. Maybe too much.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Death Blossom works! Mah God! Death Blossom!

Renal Failure told you that Week 7 was going to be a Duke-tastrophy for someone... and I do believe that our Canadian competition getting beat by 76 points by the implausible 1/4th of Renal Failure's 5/4th roster constitutes a Duke-tastrophy of Duke-licious proportions.

Note: The answer to the question of where Quizibuk or Duke-tastrophy comes from is the 90's cartoon The Critic.

Now the rest of the Renal Roster is back and not a moment too soon. Week 8 brings The Ramblers, who along with sitting tied for first place in the standings is also the only other team in the league who has scored more points than Renal Failure. This is cause for concern in the Renal ranks, as it shows they have the prowess to score the requisite 120+ points needed to beat us like La Machine, Fantasy Virgin, and Predator Press have done (discounting our Week One loss because that was like the first day of school).

But Renal Failure has a few things in their favor in this pivotal contest. Most of the Renal Starters are coming off bye weeks, meaning they are fresh and ready to perform. Also the Ramblers have to start backup QB Derek Anderson, who has only scored half as many points as starter Aaron Rodgers. Thirdly, Renal Failure has a two-game winning streak, the Ramblers don't. That's what we call Renal Momentum, and since it's the first multiple game winning streak for the Failure we're not quite sure what it will do for us. Then again, we didn't know what Death Blossom would do either, and that turned out more than all right for us.

A Renal Victory over a top tier opponent makes us serious playoff contenders. A Renal Defeat puts the season in jeopardy and will deliver a serious setback to our super secret "win the rest of our games" plan to make the real playoffs. A Renal Tie... well, ties are like kissing your sister. But we don't have a sister. Does the UnfinishedRambler have a sister? Is she hot? Does she mind wandering hands?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tuesday Morning QB: Skin o' my teeth

In honor of this past week's matchup against Paula's Googly Eyed Goons, I dedicate this song "Skin O' My Teeth" by Megadeth:

because that's what I escaped by (the lyrics to the song have nothing to do with escaping in a football game, but hey, the title was appropriate).

How it happened

After Sunday's games, I was up 102-87 and thought I had my matchup well in hand when along came Randy Moss to try to mess with my win. Luckily, he didn't, and I still won 102-99. However, it wasn't the margin of victory for which I was hoping, especially against a girl.

The man who messed it up on my team was Jerricho Cotchery, who played in 81 percent of public leagues was expected to have more points than he did, which was zero.

Instead, even lowly T.J. Houshmanzadeh had a measly five points to Cotchery's zero.

My only other "mistake" was playing Mewelde Moore, who was played in only 29 percent of public leagues. Even though he scored 14 points, I could have played Sammy Morris, who was played in only 24 percent of public leagues, but who yielded 24 points.

I still have to give other props to Paula percentage-wise, for playing Minnesota's Visanthe Shianco at tight end. He was put into the lineup in only 16 percent of public leagues yet had 12 points. But of course, her big players were Moss and Detroit's Calvin Johnson with 28 points.

Breaking down...

Other big games last week:
  • The White Strypers, coached by Matt (the artist formerly known as The Hypocritical One) from That Tears It..., tore Lobo of Predator Press a new one led by Steven Jackon's whopping 40 points and could have ripped him an even bigger hole (uh, sorry, Lobo, but he could have) by playing Lendale White. White was played in only 40 percent of public leagues, but had 37 points. Instead, Matt chose the safe bet with Ryan Grant, played in 64 percent of public leagues, who had 22 points. The score could have been 146-81, instead of 131-81. Just think about that, Lobo. I bet that will keep you up at night. ;) <--- notice, emoticon so when we face up in Week 9 you won't seek retaliation-- well, at least not as much retaliation.
  • For that matter, in his matchup against AoE's Washington Crooks, Chris Cameron could have put in Clinton Portis, played in 96 percent of public leagues, for 28 points and had 16 more points, but instead he put in Earnest Graham, played in a mere 68 percent of public leagues, who had a respectable 12. The final score looked a little better at 87-45, instead of the 103-45 that it could have been. Yeah, think about that, AoE. Think about that. I bet that will keep you up at night. (No emoticon because sometimes I can get carried away with the emoticons and opted for only one this post.)
Next week: The Ramblers take on Renal Failure. Personally I don't think it's fair, though. He has a host of extra players on his bench (32 if I counted correctly). If you're not scared, read here about them when RF proposed sending one of his crack squad to be a bodyguard for Lord Likely. He just couldn't decide which one. Each one of them is that lethal.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Think You Have It Rough This Week Renal?

Here is my opponent's roster in my 14-team veteran league:

Like our league you start one RB, two WR, and a flex position of RB/WR.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Five out of four doctors agree...

Renal Failure finds itself in a real Quizibuk (pony points to anyone who gets that reference) this week. Three-fourths of its roster is on a bye week. The last one-fourth is injured. That leaves just a meager one-fourth to pick up the slack that the other four-fourths has left them.

Now the snobbish math lobbyists may raise their elitist voices and try to point out with their raised eyebrows and liberal calculators that the above paragraph is impossible, that I can't have five-fourths of a roster. But what those godless sodomites don't realize is that Renal Failure is the home of Tag Larkin. And Tag Larkin doesn't just give 100% effort, he gives 125%. And another way of displaying 125% is five-fourths. So take that, you numeral-loving terrorists

This might raise their ire of engineers or physics experts or sciencey guys who claim you can't give more than 100%. I say if we listened to people who told us we can't do stuff then we would have never broken the sound barrier, or put a man on the moon, or figured out that you really can jam your entire fist up someone's ass.

So how will Renal Failure do with this theoretically impossible extra one-fourth of its lineup this week? Well, think of it as Death Blossom from one of the greatest movies of all-time, The Last Starfighter. It will either destroy the Canuckleheads in the greatest display of firepower ever, or it will just make the Renal roster self-destruct.

As for the Canuckleheads, what do you do if you fail to take advantage of Renal Failure's precarious and absurd situation?

There's going to be a Duke-tastrophy for someone this week...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

90 points is not 120 points

Why do people not listen to Renal Failure?

Renal Failure told you that our pathetic Week 1 score were just points that hadn't been scored yet, and now we are 4th in the league in scoring. We told you those points were coming, and our Week 6 tied the mark for highest point total in a week by a team (128... and that was with Joseph Addai not scoring a single point).

Renal Failure told you that the trends favored us for a dominant win against the Googly-Eyed Goons in Week 3, and we not only won but had the largest margin of victory of any team this season. Renal Failure also told you after that game that we'd probably get beat by Leigh as a form of cosmic comedic justice and were proven right once again.

Renal Failure told you how dominant they were in last place, and we proved how dominant we were by staying there with a loss to Predator Press in Week 5.

And finally, last week Renal Failure told everyone that it takes 120+ points to beat us. But the White Strypers didn't listen, they thought 90 points would be good enough, and now they languish in the skanky 3-3 menage-a-trois in the middle of the standings instead of the more preferable 4-way 4-2 orgy at the top.

That is six straight weeks of prescient punditry. Do you know what the usual batting average of correctness is for pundits? Negative .500. That means your average talking head gets everything he says and half of what he doesn't say absolutely wrong.

Ignore Renal Failure at your peril.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Payback for being a douchebag


Chris Cameron won't have to "spend the remaining days of (his) life in dark solitude drinking (himself) into a Jack Daniels bottle occasionally coming out to yell at the kids hanging around on (his) lawn or look out the window every time a car drives by," as he wrote last week.

Neither will he have to worry after buying "firearms and (dying) in a shootout with the police over being harassed because (he) just wanted some food..." after years of misplaced anger.

Now I will.

All thanks to Chris beating my ass after I said I would beat his last week.

That's what I get for saying I wouldn't being being a douchebag as I promised on my blog, huh?

I even kicked another team owner (Rickey) when he was, and is, down (at 1-5 and the bottom of the pile, which see? I had to bring it up again!). How much bigger of a douchebag can I be?

As big as this guy?

Larry Johnson

Who just happens to be on my team and is facing his third assault charge against a woman?

I hope I'm not that big of a douchebag.

So anyway, what happened this week?

Not to take anything away from Chris and his fine well-oiled La Machine...

...but pilot error.

interesting pictures - plane crash

I'm not going to break down all the percentages this week: just one.

San Diego kicker Nate Kaeding was used in 87 percent of public leagues last week; Carolina kicker, 51 percent of public leagues last week. So who did I pick?

Yep, Kasay.

So instead of the 12 points with Kaeding (think Ka-ching in terms of fantasy football), I ended up with three points-- a nine-point difference. Chris defeated me 103-96. If only I had played Kaeding, I would have beaten him 105-103 even with my wide receiver Houshmandzadeh and Burress not producing.

Next week: Tune in when I'll be looking back at my game against Paula of Paula's Playground with her Googly Eyed Goons. I make no predictions. I've already been spanked by Leigh of Leigh Online and her inappropriately-named Fantasy Virgin team, because it's screwing most of its opponents to the wall. With the lowly Browns beating the Giants last night, anything is possible. I could be spanked again, but this time, who knows maybe I'll like it?

Monday, October 13, 2008

It's a Celebration!

Well, I'm 99% sure that I'm about to lose this week - if I haven't already. I'm typing this up as my opponent's running back is running up the points - much to my dismay! Regardless, things are still looking a LOT better at this point of the season than I thought they would when I was a lowly 0-2. Things are happening and we just keep on keeping on. In fact, I decided to hold a little shindig to celebrate my recent success. The fact that it was Thanksgiving up here in Canada meant that a lot of people were not able to attend but we certainly made the best of it:

Best to luck to all and if you want to come by the next shindig - watch for details over at
my place. All the best and may the good football be yours. CHEERS!

ps - GO Bills!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

La Machine Faces Pivotal Game vs. Ramblers

I blame Santana Moss and the Eagles defense for my loss to What the Canuck last week. And Bush. No not Reggie, George W.

If my team had won, my opponent What the Canuck surely would have been crying about how his binky, Trent Edwards got a bump on the noggin resulting in zero quartback points.


So now my season and everything that means anything in my life is riding on the pivotal Week Six match-up with the 4-1 Ramblers. To some it is only a hobby but to me it is the world. If I lose this game I will spend the remaining days of my life in dark solitude drinking myself into a Jack Daniels bottle occasionally coming out to yell at the kids hanging around on my lawn or look out the window every time a car drives by.

Then after years have gone by I will have built up decades of misplaced anger. I will purchase firearms and die in a shootout with the police over being harassed because I just wanted some food...

Chris: There wouldn't be no trouble except for that king shit cop! All I wanted was something to eat. But the man kept pushing Sir.
Trautman: Well you did some pushing on your own Chris.
Chris: They drew first blood, not me.
Trautman: Look Chris, let me come in and get you the hell out of there!
Chris: They drew first blood...

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Is that all you got, pussy?

What does Renal Failure's brutal 55-point Week 5 loss to Predator Press tell us? Other than the fact that Eli Manning, Andre Johnson, and Brandon Jacobs put up more points than the entire starting Renal Roster (which wouldn't be true if DeSean Jackson's punt return touchdown counted toward his point total, but for the love of Zod those three put up Tecmo Bowl numbers)...

If you want to beat Renal Failure, you'd better bring it and bring it hard. Real hard.

Three of Renal Failure's four losses have come against opponents who scored more than 120 points that week. La Machine put up 123 in Week 2. Fantasy Virgin scored 121 in Week 4. Predator Press racked up a Week 5 high 128, a season high for any team in the league.

So if you want to win against Renal Failure, you'd better be prepared to put up a ridiculous amount of points. So are you, White Strypers? Are you prepared to do that? Do you think that you can put up 120+ points with your lineup? Because if you're not, just give Renal Failure the win and save Yahoo! Sports the trouble of calculating our point totals.

Also: Renal Failure should be ranked #5 in the HBFFL Power Rankings, because of the great amount of power it has taken others to keep Renal Failure in the Shadow Zone of being 1-4.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Enjoying the cheese and whine at 4-1

"You're killing me, Petey! You're killing me!" is a line from one of my favorite football movies Remember the Titans.

This time of year, it's the bye weeks that are killing me, and not to mention the injuries early this season to my stud players, Brian Westbrook and Willie Parker, and then the off-field activities of my stud wide receiver Plaxico Burress. Dude, talk to your coaches when you're not going to be at practice. I mean, I have to tell my bosses when I'm not going to be at work, and I don't get paid millions of dollars; in fact, I'm getting minimum wage at my one job and I still have to let them know when I'm not available-- or I'm not showing up.

So let's take a look at my game last week against Rickey of Riding with Rickey with his team The Menschwarmers player-by-player (on my side) and by the percentages:

Aaron Rodgers: Sometimes the number lie. He was used in only 32 percent of public leagues yet still racked up 38 points. Take that, Brett Favre! Who's Crying Now?

T.J. Houshmandzadeh: Okay, wait, sometimes the numbers don't lie. Is it any wonder that T.J. Houshmandzadeh was used in 87 percent of public leagues last week? Even though his Bengals lost to the Cowboys, he still was able to get two touchdowns. Thank, you Who's My Daddy. You are, by the way-- at least to me after leading my top to the last year in fantasy football and still doing it this year; even if your team sucks, you don't.

Bobby Engram: Having to sit Jerricho Cotchery on the bench, I added Engram for a week and got at least a few points from him. He was used in only 18 percent of public leagues, but still managed get six points for me. Better than the zero I would have gotten if I left Cotch on the roster.

Correll Buckhalter: I didn't change my roster Saturday night and by the time I remembered Sunday morning, waa, waa, waaa, throw me a pity party, it was too late so I ended up using the player used (understandably) in only 12 percent of public leagues. It was time for Westbrook (used in 72 percent of public leagues) to shine again-- and uh, get injured again. Two broken ribs. I'm still glad I have Buckhalter at backup-- for now.

Dallas Clark: Not stellar numbers, but used in 70 percent of public leagues, he came up with eight points. I'll take it.

Larry Johnson: Uh, those numbers, they do too lie. Used in 86 percent of public leagues, he failed miserably with zero points. At least, one of the Penn State alum played well for me this week, L.J. Otherwise, I'd have to bitchslap you (uh, in my dreams).

Nate Kaeding: Those numbers really lie. Used in 91 percent of public leagues, he fell short of expectations with a mere four points; meanwhile, John Kasay, used in 48 percent of public leagues, sat on my bench and kicked his way to 10 points.

Pittsburgh Defense: Damned numbers. A measly three points, despite being used in 79 percent of public leagues. Arizona's D meanwhile used in only 12 percent of public leagues racked up 13 points against Buffalo.

On my opponent's Rickey's side, while last week I didn't see anything when AoE's team didn't bring in a player from the bench and let a player who had a bye week play, this week I have to say something since it was the second week in a row that it happened. Rickey didn't put in Donald Lee to replace Kellen Winslow at tight end, who had a bye. Rickey gave up eight points there.

Then he could have had at least two more points if he had put in Brandon Marshall played in 96 percent of public leagues (96 PERCENT, you read that right) instead of leaving Marques Colston, played in only 11 percent of public leagues, in the game. And speaking of low percentages, drop Jerry Porter, Rickey, who is being played in only 6 percent of public leagues. There has to be somebody on the waiver wire.

So Rickey could have had 10 more points. He still would have lost to me, true, so the numbers really don't lie, but it wouldn't have been the ass beating it was that I gave him. Sorry, dude, but I did.

You can beg all you want for me not to give you a further beatdown while you're down there, but I did. Yeah, yeah, you might have stolen a base, but we're playing football, be-yotch.

Honestly, I think Rickey's been too worried about this bailout stuff, elections and oh, the Mets getting their own asses beat to focus. Focus, Rickster, focus. Elections schmelections. Whatever. Bailout....blah blah blah. Mets Yankees let's face it all N.Y. teams sucked this year in baseball (and I'm a Yankees fan, yeah, you got something to say about that?) You're forgetting the important things in life: fantasy football!

Tune in next week, after The 5-1 Ramblers defeat the 3-3 La Machine and the ass beating continues, despite what the percentages may say.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

In Last Place... but a DOMINANT Last Place

There are three teams tied for last in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League, but only one is dominantly in last place, and that is Renal Failure.

Renal Failure has put up 358 points in four games, 99 more than the Googly Eyed Goons and 102 more than The Menschwarmers. With the exception of Week 1's getting-to-know-your-team game, it's clear Renal Failure knows how to put up the points.

Unfortunately for Renal Failure, Dominant Tied For Last Place Teams don't fare very well against Dominant Tied For First Place Teams, as La Machine and Fantasy Virgin (fuckin' Drew Brees) put up 123 and 121 on what would otherwise be decent performances by the Renal Roster.

Now does being a Dominant 1-3 team beat being a Submissive 2-2 team, like Predator Press? We'll find out in Week 5.

Ten games left in the regular season... ten games for Renal Failure to become a Dominant Fourth Place Team to make the Playoffs. Or a Third Place Power Bottom. Whatever gets you off. Just remember that the safe word is Plaxico.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Down goes La Machine! Down Goes La Machine!

In a stunning upset La Machine lost it's first game of the season. The White Strypers may have slayed the dragon but unlike Joe Frazier LaM will win the rematch!

Look out Canuck, you are up next!!! What does that mean for you oh lover of the Bills?

Bad news!!!

Tis a shame

A perfect season no longer.

I didn't even feel the need to start a defense. (Did I really forget to start a defense?? I'm really on top of it.)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Even Ike Turner Was Cringing

Chris C. has already boasted with his pretty pictures about the hurting his La Machine squad put on LOBO's Predator Press, and UnfinishedRambler is squealing about how bad Leigh spanked him, but the week's most epic ass-whooping was applied by the trend-favored Renal Failure to Paula's Googly-Eyed Goons.

Or according to our motivational therapist: Success is a failure that's no longer happening. And Renal Failure did that really, really hard.

102-49. A 53-point win, the largest margin of victory by any team this season. Brutal, right? Not quite, for an even more brutal (or brutaler) thing to consider was that it could have been way worse.

Renal Failure played Hines Ward instead of DeSean Jackson. Jackson had 4 points to Ward's 3 (+1).

Renal Failure played L.J. Smith instead of Todd Heap. Heap brought in 3 points to Smith's goose egg (+3).

Renal Failure played Chicago's defense instead of Philadelphia's. Philly put up 17 to Chicago's 8 (+9).

Renal Failure played Chris Johnson instead of Joseph Addai. Addai racked up 20 points to Johnson's 7 (+13).

26 extra points. Renal Failure could have won by 79 points against the Googly-Eyed Goons instead of their already record-setting 53.

And that, humor bloggers fantasy football fans, is your crime against humanity ultra beatdown of the week.

And unfortunately, that also means Renal Failure will lose this week by 60 against Leigh's Fantasy Virgin team. Because that would be funny, and the universe has a good sense of comedic timing.