Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Bye, Bye, Love...

Bye bye love, bye bye happiness.
Hello loneliness, I think I'm gonna cry.
-Everly Brothers

So the People's Champion is pulling a Pearl Harbor and launching his attack at the Cons during their moment of weakness. Renal Failure has commenced his dastardly dive bombing run on a week where the Cons have 4 players on a BYE. Most notably, NFL's Prince Valiant, Peyton Manning and his trusty squire Eric of Decker are on leave. Also, the Cons are not able to Gore the People's Chump and will resort to praying that Lord Robert Griffin the Third will return to his tournament days and gallop his way to victory. Don't get me wrong, these are not excuses. The Once and Future Cons can suffer to toss a win to the needy Failures and still rule the Round Table of Bloggers. After all, this will be nothing more than a flesh wound. Have at thee!!!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

RF Takes Nonames For A Ride

The nonames went up against Renal Failure in Week 8 and lost a squeaker by 10 points. In a roller coaster series of games, RF got an early lead Thursday night with 30 points turned in by QB Cam Newton. But after the early games Sunday nonames pulled ahead by about 30 points. After the late afternoon games nonames was still leading by 4 points. It was the Sunday night game that did the nonames in.

The nonames had one player left - my man Aaron Rodgers. But RF went up against us with Jordy Nelson and the Green Bay defence. The end result was  RF 117 and nonames 107. Crap.

Yahoo says the nonames could have beaten all the other teams in Week 8. All the other teams but Renal Failure. Thanks Yahoo.

Victor Cruz: Fantasy Failure

Victor Cruz, with a measly 8 points has now underachieved for the nonames in four straight games. What nonames should have done was bench Cruz and activate Golden Tate who garnered 23 points. It would have made the difference between winning and losing. Ah, isn't hindsight wonderful?

But even with the loss the nonames jumped one spot from 7th to 6th place and heading into Week 9 we're contemplating a victory against 7th place Bald Spots.

No offence there B.S. but I hope we don't go through this again...

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The People's 2013 Midway Point

presented by Renal Failure

It's scary how good Renal Failure's doing this year...

Yes, your People's Champion has been preoccupied with the business of the People for much of the 2013 HBFFL season and has not had time for our usual weekly reviews and previews.  But we have carved out some quality time to thoroughly review the 1st half of our 2013 season for the amusement of - well, ourselves.

The 2013 season did not get off to a good start for Renal Failure, as we went 0-2 in two tough games against Predator Press (Colin Kaepernick's only awesome game of the season) and Delusion of Adequacy (a close 104-102 loss).  It started looking like we'd muddle through 2013 like we did in 2012 when we went 5-8-1.  But as any follower of the HBFFL knows, you can never count out the People's Champion... because we're also known as The Wild Card, bitches!

Renal Failure... sneaking up on your ass since 2008! 

BOOM! Five-game winning streak! Call it a team finally cohering together, or call it Renal Failure running through the teams at the bottom of the standings who can't put up points (teams have scored a absoludicrously league-low 538 points against Renal Failure.  The 2nd-lowest total belongs to 1st place Future Ex-Cons at 628), but you have to call it the longest winning streak so far this year in the HBFFL.

Time to go to work - Renal Failure style!
Note: Renal Failure also has the 2nd highest points scored in the league with 694.  Only Ex-Cons have scored more with a ridiculous 825 points.

It all started with a 103-71 Week Three victory over Kerridan's Okay Team, continued in Week Four with a 116-72 romp over Bald Spots, rolled along in Week Five with a 91-65 over Gerrog's Ninjas (only because Gerrog left Tony Romo's 52 points on the bench), and then laid the smackdown on Purple Drank 128-71 in Week Six for our biggest margin of victory this year.  Okay Team, Spots, Ninjas, and Drank were a combined 7-17 going into Week Seven.

And Week Seven is where things got very weird... and devious.  Prior to the Week 7 games, Renal Failure completed a trade with their opponent that week, the Bourbon Blasters.  A Miami swap, as it were, with us sending RB Lamar Miller to the Blasters for burgeoning TE Charles Clay.

Joe obviously thought he was getting something really good in this deal because he plugged Miller directly into his starting lineup, maybe as a much-needed spark to the offense with his cherished Drew Brees on a bye week (though Joe picked up QB Nick Foles who had a monster game in Week Six vs. Tampa Bay and was sure to light up a weak Cowboys defense).  Did Joe outsmart the devious Renal Failure on this exchange? 

Renal Failure isn't trapped in this league with you, you're trapped in this league with Renal Failure!

There's a reason Renal Failure is known as the goddamn devil when it comes to trades...

First, knowing that prized RB DeMarco Murray was out with an injury for the Blasters, Renal Failure used his high waiver ranking to snatch up Dallas backup RB Joseph Randle off the wire.  Your People's Champ is all about running back depth, and considering how porous the Eagles defense is against everything it was a prudent preventive pickup with Joe needing RB help. With that in mind, we traded Miller for Clay so Joe could get the RB he needed and we could shore up our TE depth.  Unfortunately for Joe, Miller only scored 4 points in Week Seven while the benched Ryan Mathews put up 22 and Stevan Ridley put up 11.
Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory has our back!
Then came a cavalcade of injuries.  Renal Failure lost Arian Foster early in the Texans/Chiefs game. Joe had the misfortune of starting Nick Foles on the week he forgot how to play quarterback, and then he got knocked out of the game after only put up 6 measly points.  Any chance for a miracle comeback was snuffed out by WR Reggie Wayne tearing his ACL in the Sunday night game vs. the Broncos. Aside from Fred Jackson's 13pts, no one scored over 6 in the Blaster's starting lineup.

But this wasn't a good week for the People's Champ either.  Cam Newton had a team high 16 points and Jordy Nelson was the only other starter to breach the double-digit mark (10pts).  Foles' shit day trickled down to Shady McCoy (7pts). Foster managed a single point before leaving the game. If not for the 9-point days from WR Wes Welker and K Matt Prater, things would have been a lot less comfortable for us in that Sunday night Indy/Denver game.

If we can take the time to Tuesday Morning Quarterback the Blasters - and we will -  if Joe had picked up Geno Smith or Marc Glennon off waivers as his QB instead of Foles, and if he had started Ryan Mathews like he would have had he not acquired Lamar Smith, he'd be the one standing over the ruins of the People's winning streak.

But he didn't, and Renal Failure was victorious with an Arena League-looking 64-38 score, and the People's winning streak lives on - five games strong.

Have you seen our RB depth? WE ARE THE DANGER!!!

So what does the second half of the season hold for Renal Failure - aside from continuing to throw out trade proposals to pretty much every team after we've had a few pitchers of Tom Collinses and a shaker of formaldehyde?

Your Mom wasn't even a Snickers Super Sleeper pick!
Roster-wise, it's pretty good. Arian Foster got injured a decent time because Week Eight is his bye week so he's got some time to recover.  In the meantime, we've got Knowshon Moreno (5th highest fantasy scoring RB in the HBFFL) or Zac Stacy (14pts in Week Seven and bound to get a lot more touches now that Sam Bradford is done for the season) standing by to pick up the slack.  We picked up WR Percy Harvin off the wire and he should be ready to shine when Wes Welker's bye week hits in Week Nine (if not, we're hoping Roddy White is finally ready to play).  Jordy Nelson is now the primary receiving target in Green Bay. Cam Newton always has bear-into-space launching potential. LeSean McCoy is going to carry the load in Philly with QB's Foles and Michael Vick banged up.  Hell, even Matt Prater's the highest scoring kicker in the league.   The evidence is clear that we've transformed a B-grade draft into a A-grade roster. 

Schedule-wise, things look to be in the People's favor.  3-4 NoNames come into Week Eight with no consistent running game.  First-place 6-1 Future Ex-Cons won't have chronic-bear-into-orbit chucker Peyton Manning, Frank Gore, or Eric Decker in Week Nine.  After that it's revenge games against PredPress and Delusion (which Renal Failure traditionally does well in) then we grind out the bottom of the standings again vs. Okay Team, Bald Spots, and Ninjas.  A 4-3 run gets Renal Failure to the magic 9-win mark that makes a playoff berth likely.  Going 5-2 or 6-1 all but guarantees post-season action.  7-0 means shit has gone crazy because we'd have a 10-game winning streak going into the playoffs.

The 2nd half begins now... see you after the collapse in seven weeks.

Renal Failure was the 2010 HBFFL and FTWL champion, and the runner-up in 2009 and 2011.  We invented the fantasy football term "throw a bear into outer space" to describe a player's abnormally-high point performance.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Rubbing Salt In The Wound - Thanks Yahoo

This photo has nothing to do with football but everything to do with my fantasy.

"nonames scored 71 points against a projected 85.50 and underachieved for the fourth time this season, including the last three weeks in a row."

As if I needed to read that comment. Yeah, nonames lost last week and slipped into the netherlands of 7th place. That's what happens when you plug in Brandon Jacobs on Saturday and he's "O" just before game time Monday. There's no way to replace him at that late date. All possible replacement players are on the Waiver Wire and only available on October 23. What good is that for crying out loud?

But then I've always been an under-achiever. I failed Grade 9 and it's been all down hill since then. I dropped out of school. Hung out with the wrong crowd. Ended up in the big house. No really, after I got my life together I bought a big house. What did you think I meant?

My man Rodgers racked up 28 points but it wasn't enough. Going into Monday night's game I needed 26 points to beat Delusions of Adequacy. With Jacobs out all I had left was WR Victor Cruz. Cruz, in a NYG win, only came up with 5 fantasy points.

So here we sit, three spots below last week when we were in 4th position. This week I'm up against my old nemesis Renal Failure who currently sits in the #2 spot. Like the man says, please be kind RF.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Going Wolf Hunting

Why, against all reason, am i blogging and about Fantasy Foosball no less? Foosball is the devil. Which makes Fantasy Foosball, the devil's fantasy.
Just like meth, one should treat blogging with a view of "Not even once." Really, who even blogs anymore? It's a dead media. Today's society is way too fast for that. If it can't be said in 140 characters or less, then it loses the audience. Why write when an Instagram says a thousand words? #KidsCanNotRead In fact, there's a quote going around my FB feed that perfectly summarizes my point: "Frak blogging" Abraham Lincoln. See, if our most beloved US President said it, then it must be true. Blogging is for people who like to hear themselves talk but in writing. It's for people who believe themselves better than those who vlog on youtube. "Look at me, I can talk but I'm gonna make it more complicated by saying it with my fingers." But I digress and must go back to the point.

 Why am I blogging? LOBO made me do it. It started with a cryptic letter. The letter had some fanatical claims. LOBO claimed, "I KNOW you blog." Ninja, please. I'm a Social Media Connoisseur. Do you think Jay-Z would stoop to blogging? LOBO also claimed that it would be a perfect opportunity to exchange some trash talking since my #1 Ranked Future Ex-Cons and his #2 team(and believe me, there's a HUGE drop off from 1 and 2. It's like as if #1 is eating ice cream and #2 is eating razor blades.) Predator Press. Sure, we have the same 5-1-0 record and my team happens to come first alphabetically, but if LOBO was smart then he would have named his team "A Predator Press". Yet he didn't so let's all go doubt his mental acumen. It's okay, you know you already do. I'm not saying he's dumb, but if the cap fits...
Let's just say it's time for Peyton Manning to smack Jay Cutler upside the head. His previous tired tirade in this "Humor" blog league also claims that as a teacher, I am somehow raising some army to think and act as I do. Well, yes, but what army is going to keep the evil that is LOBO at bay? Someone has to do it and I will gladly order that code red to keep you all safe.

 *The views in this entry does not represent the views of this blog as a whole, its other authors, or this particular author either.*

Saturday, October 19, 2013

For All The Lost Marbles

When KHAN and LOBO were in college, it was a simpler time. Al Gore, in desperate need of pornography, had just invented the internet. “Titanic” dominated the box office. Hawaii -somehow ever oblivious to pop culture- still believed “Red Red Wine” and “Margaritaville” were the only goddamn fucking songs ever written. A misguided Melody B had fallen hopelessly for LOBO's irresistible manliness, and he spent entire semesters relentlessly being chased by her. Poor thing.

At some point KHAN went totally rogue.  What turned him to the Dark Side? Why did he hate children so much?  Was it the time LOBO tried to make a Xerox copy of a mirror?  No one really knows.  But in retrospect, KHAN was laying the groundwork of his sinister ambitions the whole time.

He became a teacher.

For more than ten years now, KHAN's reign of terror upon adolescence has been merciless, replete with forcing poor innocent kids to “learn” stuff, do homework, and watch books. He lectures for endless excruciating hours about utterly useless crap like math and history -utterly avoiding the more practical skills like shoplifting, insurance fraud, and funneling frequent microscopic profits into untaxable offshore bank accounts. And knowing that LOBO is perhaps the only man who can stop this sadistic madness, KHAN hatched yet another diabolic plan: to defeat our hero this week on the HBFFL gridiron.
Who can defeat KHAN and his juggernaut Future Ex Cons?

-And can LOBO save our children from KHAN's evil clutches?

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

There's a New Bald Spots in Town

Boy that was a rough week for the nonames. If we continue like this much longer I'll be bald before the end of the season.

My man Rodgers, and his largely on the ground game against Baltimore, came through with 26 fantasy points and RB Reggie Bush pulled in 18 points. But the rest of my guys phoned in their performances including WR Victor Cruz with 6 points, WR Dez Bryant with all of 3 points and K Steve Janikowski with 1.

Byes and injuries did us in, in our 97-63 loss to Predator Press, with TE Tony Gonzalez and K Matt Bryant among those on the nonames bench this week.

As a result the nonames slipped to 5th place and Predator Press vaulted into the number 2 spot. Way to go LOBO.  QB Jay Cutler's 23 points and fellow Bears WR Brandon Marshall's 20, not to mention WR Justin Blackman's 24 points helped you really put our match out of my reach.

And how did it make me feel?

This week nonames goes up against Delusions of Adequacy. Let's hope they live up to their name.

5th place? Frak!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Raised on Robbery

It would seem Troi's Future Ex-Cons are aptly named. This week they and their fantasy QB Peyton Manning stole a victory from the nonames. My man' Rodgers' measly 19 fantasy points couldn't hold a candle to Mr. Manning's 45. Even my reserve QB, Eli "Interception" Manning racked up more points than Mr Rodgers with 23.

Hey, Rodgers. Pull my finger.

My nonames had a bunch of under performing idiots lat week. Victor Cruz amassed 4 points.  David Wilson picked up 7 points. Reggie Bush gathered 6 points. What the hell?

And while the nonames were pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, the Ex Cons - in particular Manning - were pulling a bootleg. Hell he not only deaked out Dallas but the camera man too!

The one bright spot for nonames was WR Dez Bryant who really put in an effort with 30 points, more than double the Yahoo projection for him last week.

I don't know if there was a full moon last week or what but the nonames had to hire a fumigator to clean out their dressing room after last week's games because they stank so much.

So the Cons are number one and the nonames have slipped into 4th spot.

In the coming week we go up against that loopy luddite LOBO and his Predator Press, currently in 2nd place.

I sure hope we don't steal defeat from the jaws of victory two weeks in a row.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Week 5: Let Slip the Fogs of War

Predator Press


Woe to thee, Joe! Behold my secret surprise strategy that will destroy you tomorrow:

Team Predator Press will be divided in half.  The first half, Seal Team L, will be in charge of getting the football into a rectangular scoring area in the grass also known as the "End Zone." Meanwhile Walrus Squad 17 will simultaneously try to get the football into a completely different spot in this same "End Zone."

Ha!  Sporting platitudes like "May the Best Player Win" are pretty patronizing when my superior football acumen is so obvious; as long as squads 'L' and '17' are both facing the correct direction, Predator Press can't lose.  We will crush the bones of the hapless and helpless Bourbon Blasters into a chalky paste.  And then we will pour that hapless and helpless paste into a zinc smelter.  And then Peyton Manning will throw that zinc smelter into the Sun!

Soon, the 'Best Fantasy Football Player' will have won, just as Destiny has already foreseen in the past future recently.

-Sniff ya on the football court tomorrow, chump.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Nonames Are Breaking Bad

My man Rodgers had a bye week but it didn't seem to matter. The Nonames were on the positive side of the biggest blow out this week against Kerridan's Not So Okay Team to the tune of 139-95, with Eli Manning behind Centre. This guy is breaking bad with the highest number of interceptions in the league this year. I had to pull him off the bench to replace my man Rodgers (did I mention he was my man?) I think he must be on meth.

That's the last time I use Walter White as my personal trainer.

Despite Manning's dismal loss and measly 13 fan points Nonames pulled things out thanks to amazing performances from TE Tony Gonzalez (31pts), WR Victor Cruz (29pts), W/R Reggie Bush (27pts) and  WR Dez Bryant (20pts).

Yahoo had positioned Nonames as the underdog in last week's match up with Kerridan's Okay Team. Shows you what they know. So we remain in 3rd spot and this week take on Troi's 2nd place Future Ex-Cons.

This could get interesting. I like Troi and it'd be a shame to beat him. But, hey, all's fair in love and fantasy football.

So until Thursday, I'll be over in the corner doing my happy dance with Carlton...

And if you want a somewhat different look from the view of all the QBs last week click on this link. After having read it you may want to bookmark it or like it on your Facebook page. It's always hilarious.

This week they're giving Eli an intervenception.