Thursday, December 13, 2012

The People's Week 15: Breaking Bland

by Renal Failure

There's only one way to end a poor season... with a needless tie!

Dear Chris C. and your Purple Drank,

With our 88-88 tie in Week 14, the People request that you send their Champion Renal Failure a Christmas card thanking us for your making the playoffs in 2012.  The People want you to thank us for starting RGIII (19 points) instead of Tom Brady (32pts) and to thank RGIII's knee for giving out during the pivotal drive of the Skins/Ravens game where him scoring a touchdown was inevitable.

The People also want you to thank us for starting Greg Jennings (2pts) instead of one of other WR's like Dwayne Bowe (7pts) or Davone Bess (5pts).  You are also requested to thank us for going with CJ Spiller (4pts) instead of BenJarvis Green-Ellis (9pts).  If we had chosen any differently, you drop to 7-7 and lose the tiebreaker to Bourbon Blasters.  Instead you reach the playoffs with a 7-6-1 record, beating out Joe for that last spot the same way we denied NoNames' last year, so you're not even being original.  The People demand an apology for that too.

As for the massive amount of points you left on your bench, well, we'll forgive you for that. The People's Champion does have magnanimous side after all.

You said we should watch out for Bryce Brown, and he didn't do shit!  YOU LIED TO US, CHRIS!

You might also want to write yourself an apology note for starting Bryce Brown instead of CJ2K because the Bryce was not right on Sunday.  Goose egg!  Was he doing impression of our WR corps from earlier in the season or something?  We've chosen wrong a lot with our QB situation but at least both RGIII and Tom Brady are certified orbital bear chuckers (and the top two scoring QB's in the HBFFL).  Bryce Brown is a rookie with proven butterfingers going against a strong Buccaneer run defense. If you were going to bet your season on a member of the Philadelphia Eagles, it should have been Nick Foles to replace Andy Dalton (12th on the QB scoring list).

But it worked out for you, Chris.  You came out Week 14 without a win but without a loss, and for that you will march into the playoffs to meet top-seeded Unfinished Person (10-4).  If you can't beat a hobbled Renal Failure, what chance do you think you will have against the highest scoring team in HBFFL history (1509 points for UP - beating 2009's Renal Failure 1481)?  UP's weakness is the QB position, but it's stronger than Purple Drank's collective, plus Josh Freeman and Vincent Jackson have nice matchups vs. the Saints. Also UP's Arian Foster who will be looking to bounce back after a bad Monday night vs. the Patriots. It's not looking to be a fun week for Chris and the Drank.

This is how Renal Failure feels about their HBFFL 2012 season...

But despite Chris's ingratitude, he did have a much better season than the People's Champ Renal Failure, which is why he's in the playoffs and we're in the consolation bracket vs. the scorned 5th place Bourbon Blasters. Because of our tie, we floated into 8th place in the standings above NoNames and Bald Spots (both 5-9). Joining us in the consolation bracket is 7th place What the Canuck (6-8)? and 6th place Predator Press (7-7 - see, told ya no one makes the playoffs in the HBFFL with 7 losses, not like you would have won the tie-breaker anyway).

In the actual playoffs, it's UP vs. Drank and Delusions of Adequacy (9-5) vs. Future Ex-Cons (8-6).  Troi's Ex-Cons seem to be the most unlikely team to have made the playoffs, considering they scored 3 less points than your People's Champion yet have three more wins to show for their efforts.  Strange world this fantasy football is.  Delusions has a nice 1-2 RB punch with Ray Rice and Stevan Ridley, and with Carson Palmer slinging the rock against a bad Chiefs team, it's likely we're going to be a good day for the Delusions squad.

So we're predicting a Delusions vs. Unfinished Person for HUMOR BOWL V... which probably means it will be a Drank vs. Ex-Cons championship game.  We'll find out if we've got our prognostication muscles back in shape, or if we're just bullshitting as usual.

Renal Failure is the 2010 HBFFL champion, as well as the HBFFL runner-up in 2009 and 2011. Renal Failure won their two playoff games this week, one in an 8-team league and the other in a 12-team league so something is still okay in the world of fantasy football's People's Champ.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

The People's Week 14: Crawling to the Finish Line

by Renal Failure

Another team's playoff hopes crippled by your People's Champion...

Renal Failure racks up another meaningless victory for the People, defeating What The Canuck? for the 2nd time this season with a 97-80 win and delivering a heavy blow to Canucklehead's playoff chances by dropping him to 6-7 (because no team has gotten into the HBFFL playoffs with 7 losses). Your People's Champ was well-served by Josh Gordon's 24-point day and supported by the 15-point performances by Trent Richardson, C.J. Spiller, and Jason Witten.  RGIII had a pedestrian 19-point day to seal the victory for the Failure.

Canucklehead was ill-served by Andre Johnson and Reggie Wayne's 5-points. Vernon Davis continues to struggle at the TE position with a 1-point day (matching our Davone Bess).  Matt Stafford made it competitive with a 28-point game vs Indy but it wasn't enough to save his Week 13 and his playoff hopes.

Canada is 1-3 vs. The People's Champion in 2012.  Go tell you troubles to the Queen!

Fortunately for Canuck, it's not over yet because this has been a rough season for a lot of teams in the HBFFL, and the massive pile-up in the middle of the standings has given teams one last shot at redemption. Canuck, Bourbon Blasters, and Predator Press sit at 6-7.  Just above them for the last two spots in the playoffs are Purple Drank and Future Ex-Cons at 7-6.  A loss by either Chris C.'s Purple Drank or Troi's Ex-Cons in Week 14 opens the door for one of the 6-7 teams a chance to sneak in, provided they win their own Week 14 game and win the points tie-breaker. Let's look at each team's chances...

What the Canuck? plays Future Ex-Cons.  A Canuck win would eliminate Ex-Cons because Troi's squad is 32 points behind Canuck. In fact, Troi has the 2nd-least amount of points out of the teams with a playoff chance so either Troi wins or he's pretty much a goner from the playoffs. 

Bourbon Blasters has the most points of the 6-7 teams, but they're playing a Bald Spots squad that has caught fire with Adrian Peterson and Megatron throwing bears into orbit late in the season. But if Joe's team can pull out a win, they'll be in the best position to win a tie-breaker, provided either Ex-Cons or Purple Drank loses.

Predator Press is... fucked.  No, really. It's the most accurate term for their situation. They're playing number one seed Unfinished Person, the highest scoring team in the HBFFL, and they have the least amount of points out of the contending teams so their chances of winning a tie-breaker is non-existent (they're 122 points behind Bourbon Blasters, 59 behind Ex-Cons, 91 behind Canuck, and 86 behind Purple Drank).  So LOBO will not be repeating as HBFFL champ but he will be restoring the old trend of the HBFFL champion missing the playoffs the season after winning it all (a trend your People's Champ broke last year by making the playoffs and almost repeating as champion - if only Tony Romo didn't break his damn hand during the our Week 16 championship game).

Sorry LOBO, but the facts don't lie... you're fucked six ways this Sunday...

Purple Drank may appear to be in the best position to make the playoffs, with their decent point total (only 5 behind Canuck, 36 behind Bourbon, and ahead of Troi by 27) and their scheduled Week 14 game against the last place team in the HBFFL: Renal Failure.  But appearances can be deceiving because two other teams are tied with your People's Champ at 5-8 at the bottom of the league standings - we're just 10th behind Bald Spots and NoNames because of our point-scoring troubles.

But it appears Renal Failure has found their scoring touch, which means bad news for Purple Drank who only beat us in 76-68 because RGIII got injured halfway through his game vs. Atlanta.  And now your People's Champ has momentum, winning not only two straight games but ruining the playoff chances of those two teams in the process.  Why not a hat trick of misery by Renal Failure, inflicting the same pain we've felt all season long? A Purple Drank lost with a Bourbon Blasters or What The Canuck? win could sink Chris's season.

Can Chris get big days from Beast Mode and CJ2K?  Will his decision to go with Andy Dalton at QB instead of making an offer to us for Tom Brady or RGIII spell his playoff doom?  Can Renal Failure escape the HBFFL basement - and who the hell will they play at QB this week?  Yahoo!'s calling for a Purple Drank win, but ask Canuck and Nonamedufus what being projected to win these past few weeks against The Wild Card of Fantasy Football Renal Failure did for them?  

It's down to the wire here in the HBFFL, and a bunch of people are going to come out of it disappointed.

Renal Failure is The People Champion and The Wild Card (bitches!) of Fantasy Football. Week 14 starts our playoffs in our 12-man and 8-man leagues. The less said about our FTWL team the better. We consider that our experimental team, and a lot of our hypotheses this year have not worked out at all.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I Got the Blahs!

Blah, blah, blah nonames lost blah, blah 111-74 to Future Ex-Cons. Future Ex-Cons blah, blah, blah, blah and blah, blah, blah in the win. With the loss nonames blah, blah. blah, blah, blah, especially blah blah, blah Rodgers and sadly slips to 8th spot. blah, blah, blah, blah. Coach dufus was quoted as blahing "what goes around comes around " blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, among other phrases we are unable to blah here.

This week blah, blah, blah, blah because nonames plays 2nd place Delusion of Adequacy at 8-5 and blah.

Just fuckin' shoot me, will ya?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.