Tuesday, September 30, 2008

In Last Place... but a DOMINANT Last Place

There are three teams tied for last in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League, but only one is dominantly in last place, and that is Renal Failure.

Renal Failure has put up 358 points in four games, 99 more than the Googly Eyed Goons and 102 more than The Menschwarmers. With the exception of Week 1's getting-to-know-your-team game, it's clear Renal Failure knows how to put up the points.

Unfortunately for Renal Failure, Dominant Tied For Last Place Teams don't fare very well against Dominant Tied For First Place Teams, as La Machine and Fantasy Virgin (fuckin' Drew Brees) put up 123 and 121 on what would otherwise be decent performances by the Renal Roster.

Now does being a Dominant 1-3 team beat being a Submissive 2-2 team, like Predator Press? We'll find out in Week 5.

Ten games left in the regular season... ten games for Renal Failure to become a Dominant Fourth Place Team to make the Playoffs. Or a Third Place Power Bottom. Whatever gets you off. Just remember that the safe word is Plaxico.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Down goes La Machine! Down Goes La Machine!

In a stunning upset La Machine lost it's first game of the season. The White Strypers may have slayed the dragon but unlike Joe Frazier LaM will win the rematch!

Look out Canuck, you are up next!!! What does that mean for you oh lover of the Bills?

Bad news!!!

Tis a shame

A perfect season no longer.

I didn't even feel the need to start a defense. (Did I really forget to start a defense?? I'm really on top of it.)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Even Ike Turner Was Cringing

Chris C. has already boasted with his pretty pictures about the hurting his La Machine squad put on LOBO's Predator Press, and UnfinishedRambler is squealing about how bad Leigh spanked him, but the week's most epic ass-whooping was applied by the trend-favored Renal Failure to Paula's Googly-Eyed Goons.

Or according to our motivational therapist: Success is a failure that's no longer happening. And Renal Failure did that really, really hard.

102-49. A 53-point win, the largest margin of victory by any team this season. Brutal, right? Not quite, for an even more brutal (or brutaler) thing to consider was that it could have been way worse.

Renal Failure played Hines Ward instead of DeSean Jackson. Jackson had 4 points to Ward's 3 (+1).

Renal Failure played L.J. Smith instead of Todd Heap. Heap brought in 3 points to Smith's goose egg (+3).

Renal Failure played Chicago's defense instead of Philadelphia's. Philly put up 17 to Chicago's 8 (+9).

Renal Failure played Chris Johnson instead of Joseph Addai. Addai racked up 20 points to Johnson's 7 (+13).

26 extra points. Renal Failure could have won by 79 points against the Googly-Eyed Goons instead of their already record-setting 53.

And that, humor bloggers fantasy football fans, is your crime against humanity ultra beatdown of the week.

And unfortunately, that also means Renal Failure will lose this week by 60 against Leigh's Fantasy Virgin team. Because that would be funny, and the universe has a good sense of comedic timing.



It's always easy playing Tuesday morning quarterback, which coincidentally is the name of this new feature I'm starting this morning. How about that?

NOW I KNOW I should have played Larry Johnson and Edgerrin James instead of Brian Westbrook and Willie Parker playing against each other! I can't imagine why they both sucked! Not to mention Mr. Westbrook's ankle injury on the first play of the second quarter, which didn't help my cause.

NOW I KNOW I should have played Owen Daniels, despite his only being played in 17 percent of public leagues, instead of Dallas Clark who was played in 62 percent of public leagues, but still only scored 1 measly point (can we say injury-prone?).

If only I had known all of that -- as of my writing this early Tuesday morning, where I still can't see my final score because I haven't ponied up the $9.99 to see the live scores (it's not just that I'm cheap, I'm po'), I might not have been spanked by Leigh (aka fantasy virgin -- fantasy virgin, my ass, literally) 107-66.

I might have been spanked a more respectable 107-90 (if my math is right at 1:30 in the morning).

Unfortunately (or is that fortunately?), it's not the first time I've been spanked by a girl.

Far from it.

It all started...

...back in about 1973 when I was in first grade. Her name was Robin Richards. She was my arch-nemesis. She tortured me to no end. She SAT on me! On my back! And punched me, and, yeah, probably spanked me. While now I dream of having a woman do that (hmmm, I can't imagine why), back then it wasn't cool.

It was cool to chew tobacco, Skoal, and then swallow it and then throw it up and then never want to chew again. Oh, wait, that was later in fourth grade. I digress.

I think it was about in third grade or maybe fourth grade that I encountered two new archenemies: Wendy Dransfield and Julie Meyers. Even though they both were younger than I was-- maybe two grades below, that didn't stop them from harassing me.

Yeah, stealing my lunch money and chasing me around the playground with whiffle ball bats (okay, I'm making the whiffle ball bat part up, it was all a blur, morphing from one female bully to the next).

One time I remember the twin torturers pushed me down on the monkey bars and I broke my teeth on the top rung of the ladder. I bled profusely and cried like a girl. I think they laughed and claimed they didn't do it.

But not Leigh, she'll probably laugh and say proudly, "Yeah, I did it. Go ahead and cry like a girl."

Thanks, Leigh, I will.

At least I will have got something out of this past weekend.

If nothing else, the spanking you gave me will have been therapeutic, will have allowed me to exorcise my childhood demons or demonesses, as the case may be.

Unfortunately, I don't play you again until Week 12.

Fortunately, I play a girl again Week 7 with Paula's Googly Eyed Goons, so I have a chance to be spanked by a girl again then.

Sick freak that I am, I'm looking forward to the opportunity. Who knows what childhood memories I can exorcise then? We'll see on that Tuesday.

Next Tuesday: I'll be whingeing about my loss to the Washington Crooks. I'll try not to be political, but as the team is Army of Epiphenomenon's I might not have a choice. After that loss, I may recall the cruel torture I received at the hands of the Sandinistas as I entered junior high, you never know. You'll have to tune in and see.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Flawed Tomlinson DNA Discovered, Numerous Predator Press Scienticians Slain

Predator Press

Lab results showed conclusively Monday morning that efforts to clone LaDanian Tomlinson were flawed, and all Predator Press HBFFL players were errantly injected with a contaminated DNA strain -a strain commonly resulting in a condition named “Tomlinson Toe.”

“Honestly,” replied Coach LOBO in post-game interviews. “I don’t know who to start beating first.”

Dear Chris

Predator Press

Dear Chris,

Your Pal,


La Machine Leaves Disasters in its Wake

It hasn’t been pretty for the opponents of my well-stacked team. The latest victim is Predator Press who went down in flames to my awesomeness. His squad sank quicker then a lead balloon. It was so bad some reporter was yelling something about humanity.

For crying out loud it was only a fantasy football game. That reporter acted like it was some kind of natural disaster or big explosion or something. I put Houses of the Holy into the CD player and laughed manically at my 3-0 record.

My team has been so dominating Jay Cutler, the #1 fantasy football quarterback can’t even get off the bench.

Next up is another disaster waiting to happen as La Machine faces The White Strypers. What does that mean?

Bad news for The Strypers!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Trends Favor Renal Failure

So you're looking at Renal Failure, sitting at 0-2 in the standings, and you might think things are going wrong for them. But that's where you're wrong, for the trends are in favor of the Failure.

Trend 1: Last year the New York Giants started the season 0-2 and won the Super Bowl. Renal Failure is 0-2. This means Renal Failure is in prime position to become league champion.

Trend 2: Renal Failure scored 50 points in Week 1, and 112 points in Week 2. That's an improvement of over 100 percent. At this rate, Renal Failure is projected to put up at least 224 points in their Week 3 match against the Googly Eyed Goons, who haven't broken the 80 point mark this season.

Trend 3: Renal Failure's power ranking went from 10th to 9th in the course of a week. At this rate, Renal Failure will be ranked Number One in Power by Week 10. After that, Renal Failure will become so powerful that they will only be able to adequately ranked by Greek letters or precious metals.

You can try to buck the trends, but the trends have the advantage, and now so does Renal Failure.


Friday, September 12, 2008

Week 2: The Excuses Begin ...

Let me start by stating a simple fact: I don't even like Tom Brady. That being said, I was certainly feeling pretty good when he ended up on my roster. Hell, I was even thinking of dumping the geriatric Favre - thought he should have stayed retired. My-oh-my, how things changed ... now he is the only thing that can change the situation from me getting my ass handed to me into just barely getting beat. There's little doubt I'm in trouble. I start every season pumped about my fantasy team and by week four I don't even bother sitting people who have a bye week. Well, this year will be different - I will not endure, I will prevail! I only wish I had gone with my heart instead of my head and picked up more of my beloved Bills ... it appears my heart may actually be the brains of the operation. Ah hell, that mase no sense ... which, given my squad may be fitting. Maybe I'll go see what I cannot find in the free agent market - I'll leave you with this:

See you on the gridiron. CHEERS!


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Greetings from the Basement

With the lowest number of points earned in the opening week, Renal Failure finds itself at the bottom of the one-loss fivesome in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League... which is exactly where we plotted to be.

For you see, as we learned over a year ago failure is just a success that hasn't happened yet. So it's not that we were unsuccessful against Rickey Henderson's Menschwarmers, we are just being successful at a later time.

Our low score is just a lot of points that haven't been scored yet.

Carson Palmer didn't have a bad week, he just completed a lot of passes that hadn't been thrown. Like how Larry Fitzgerald earned many yards for catches he never caught.

So everything's coming up Milhouse for us here at Renal Failure, despite where we are in the standings. And nothing's going to change that, because denial is just a reality that other people haven't accepted yet.

Oh, and Tom Brady is still out for the season...


Monday, September 8, 2008

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Predator Press Awaits Parades, Fanfare, Product Endorsements

Predator Press


As we can see, things are already shaping up to be exactly the bone-crushing and humiliating experience I was hoping for.

-But The Ramblers could still possibly pull this one out: they alone are poised a mere 595,113 touchdowns plus completions -or just a smidge over 1,000,000 touchbacks- from snatching away my glorious and hard-earned first week victories!

As the consummate sportsman, I extend The Ramblers my heartiest best wishes for a great Sunday.

A preview of the pain I'm gonna be bringing...

So here on the eve of the first Sunday of the 2008 NFL season --while the season actually began Thursday night with the Giants defeating the Redskins 16-7, for most fans, I think Sunday is officially the start of the season-- I thought I'd give the 11 other owners in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League a preview of the pain I'm gonna be bringing...


Derek Anderson, Aaron Rodgers

Derek Anderson: In my first year of playing fantasy football, I drew the luck of the draw with Tony Romo. This year, whatever is the opposite of the luck of the draw is what I've got, as not only do I get Derek Anderson from Cleveland, but also I end up playing Anderson against Romo in the two's opening game.

Aaron Rodgers: What can I say? He's been in the shadow of Brett Favre for so long. Now he has his chance to shine. Will he? Yeah, sure...or is that eh?

Wide Receivers

Plaxico Burress, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Jerricho Cotchery, Bernard Berrian

Last year I had both Burress and Houshmandzadeh, and was pretty surprised with Burress, especially after the folks in the league which I played slammed him since he was a former Steeler and they thought he deserved to be kicked to the curb. Personally I thought he was a good player and the Steelers had made a mistake. I kept my tongue early in the season, but once he started to roll, I couldn't help but say a little something to turn the knife just a bit-- and then when they won the Super Bowl, who's your daddy now? Huh?

Speaking of who's your daddy, Houshmandzadeh, whom we called last year "Who'sh my daddy", he was solid, if not super impressive, but solid enough to help me to a berth in our league championship game (yeah, I lost, but hey, still I was there).

Cotchery and Berrian: Again, yeah, sure...or is that eh? Both were pretty disappointing from what I saw last year. But with Brett Favre at QB, maybe Cotchery will be getting some throws? Personally, despite all the asshattery that happened in the offseason, I'm pulling for Favre, well, sort of, since we were both born in the same year. (Yeah, I'm almost 40, you got a problem with that? I was a fan of Michael Jordan too.) And tomorrow's "intrigue" with him facing Chad Pennington, whom he is replacing at New York, might be "intriguing" at least for a quarter.

Running Backs

Brian Westbrook, Willie Parker, Larry Johnson, Edgerrin James

I had none of these players last year, although I would have liked to have Westbrook at times, because I used to live in the Philadelphia area, and followed his career when he was at Villanova. Now I have him and he's been touted pretty heavily this year.

As a long-time Steeler fan, I like Parker, but will he got lost in a backfield of too many talented running backs? I think not (or at least, that's what I'll tell you publicly). Johnson and James? I always thought it was Johnson and Johnson, but anyway...As a long-time Penn State fan (I almost hate to admit with all the scandal going on there recently), I always liked Johnson and am pulling for him. James? Major eh.

Tight Ends

Dallas Clark, Benjamin Watson

Clark: Whenever I hear his first name, I can't help but think of Forrest Gump. "There was Dallas, from Phoenix..." Of course, this Dallas is from Livermore, Iowa, which doesn't quite have the same ring. "There was Dallas, from Livermore" - no, I don't think so. Despite that, I've got high hopes for him.

Watson: I think he's starting with an injury. Another major eh.


Nate Kaeding, Mike Nugent

Kaeding: Barring any injury, I have no worries here with Kaeding. He's very good and bonus, like Clark, he's from Iowa, not Livermore -- but Coralville, 204 miles from Livermore. Chris Cameron who has the team La Machine said in the preview of his team that he was trying to corner the market on tight ends named Tony. Me? I was working on cornering two players from Iowa. Yeah, sure...and eh?

Nugent: Hey, he has a cool last name, since I always liked Ted Nugent. At least, he's got that going for him...which is nice.


Pittsburgh, Arizona

The Steel Curtain ain't what it used to be, but I'm hoping it can dish out a little pain to my opponents. Arizona: toward the end of the year, I saw them picked as a sleeper defense in certain games. I hope they don't fall asleep on me if I play them sometime.

...and, of course, the main thing I didn't mention about that pain I'm gonna be bringing with me, I'm probably gonna be taking it with me too when I leave each week's contest.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

NFL Opening Night Didn't Feel Like It

Was the NFL Opening Night featuring the New York Giants vs. the Washington Redskins rushed or what? I know NBC wanted to cover the McCain acceptance speech live but come on.

They kicked off at 7pm EST, a bad sign. Then they skipped the usual pre-game live song by Bon Jovi (this is a matchup in New Jersey after all). To make matters worse the game flew by. There were just over ten minutes of game time left in the forth quarter at 9:30 pm. Usually we are talking another hour at the least of real life time but at 10 pm the game was over, just before McCain was about to take the stage at the RNC.

Of course I was happy to see like maybe five ads in the last quarter of gameplay but there was no denying NBC wanted to get the game in before a news-worthy moment more then celebrate the opening night of the NFL.

Come on Roger Goodall, you are the guy in charge of the most popular sports league in America. You have the power to not have to deal with this bullshit. This is Opening Night for crying out loud but instead it became just a football game in the way of politics.


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

La Machine Serves Notice of Some Winning Kind

Like with all things new, there is hope and optimism. Then the reality that is life beats you down like when your prostitutes are skimming off your take. A pimp’s gotta eat yo.

But none the less my team is ready to contend. Why? Because I said so. I am an expert after all in verifying my own opinion as valid and a fantasy football league is no exception.

Of course, some will scoff at this notion my team’s talent level far exceeds that of any other squad in the league. To the naysayers I offer this one interesting fact: La Machine is tied for first at this very moment.

It has already begun.

Just in case you are unconvinced of my moral platitude, look at this amazing squad of talented overachievers…


Donovan McNabb, Jay Cutler

I don’t know what is in the water in Eagles country but the hernias are going around. First McNabb gets one a season or two back, now wide receiver Kevin Curtis is out for the season with a sports hernia. Hopefully Donovan is off the steroids and will stay healthy.

Running Backs

Frank Gore, Clinton Portis, Selvin Young, Earnest Graham

A Gore and a Clinton on my team? It is like I died, went to hell and Satan is Jimmy Carter. I am going to have to bite the bullet on this one and suck it up, especially since this Gore-Clinton tandem will produce actual measurable results. Well, besides the sales of Altoids of course.

Wide Receivers

Torry Holt, Chad Johnson, Santana Moss, Bryant Johnson

Chad Johnson may be hurt right now, but he raced Kentucky Derby horses in the off-season to keep in shape as well as successfully and legally changed his name to the Spanish translation of his uniform number.

Ocho Cinco? Bueno.

Tight Ends

Tony Gonzalez, Tony Scheffler

Going into the draft I was looking to corner the market on Tight Ends named Tony. I feel good knowing I accomplished that small bullet point on my list of goals to league domination. Or at least the computer did.


Shayne Graham, Robbie Gould

I’ve never had a kicker with a name that sounds like those weird-looking hollow dried shells of fruit before. Plus he’s on the Bears who aren’t exactly a fantasy football juggernaut. Can I have an actual gourd?


Green Bay, Tampa Bay

One of the good things about a bay is that is has land on three out of four sides, making it easier to defend from a military standpoint. No idea how that translates to fantasy football, but I’ll take an edge anytime I can get one.

Bring it HBFFL. La Machine is ready for you.