Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Week 17: No Longer a Champion

by 2010 HBFFL Champion and 2011 runner-up Renal Failure

Shut it down... shut it all down...

And so it was that the HBFFL trend of last year's runner-up winning next year's championship continued as destiny dictated with Predator Press defeating your 2010 HBFFL Champions Renal Failure in Humor Bowl IV 114-50. Renal Failure's hopes to repeat as champion left the building with Tony Romo's busted hand, Jason Witten's famine of targets, Shady McCoy's disappearing act, and Billy Cundiff's bum leg. We got hit with the fantasy football blue screen of death at the worst possible time, and LOBO was there to reap the benefits of our injury implosion.

We were right to bench CJ2K for Week 16, however we chose wrong on his replacement. We picked Ryan Mathews because of his favorable matchup vs. the Lions, however it was Marshawn Lynch who had the much better day (23pts for Beast Mode vs. 7 for Mathews). We hoped Brandon Lloyd could get some garbage time points vs. the Steelers, but that didn't happen. Our only bright spots were Megatron (21pts) and our wise choice of putting in Rob Bironas as our replacement for Billy Fucking Cundiff (13pts).

When your whole season explodes on you, there's only one thing to do: strike a bad-ass pose in the midst of the destruction of your dreams...

Predator Press came ready to play in Week 16. And just like we did to Purple Drank last week, LOBO only needed two players to win. Arian Foster did what Arian Foster does (27pts) and Matt Stafford threw up a 35-point bear vs. the Chargers. Everything else was just bonus points against a crippled Renal Failure squad.

And so the 2011 HBFFL comes to a close on a disappointing note for your People's Champion, seeing our 15 weeks of effort flame out during the ultimate showdown. It's like watching The Empire Strikes Back and seeing Darth Vader tear his ACL within 10 seconds of the lightsaber duel with Luke in the cloud city and have to be carted back to his shuttle. It's a lackluster climax to what you know should have been an epic battle. Instead, LOBO's raising the championship trophy and we're heading to the MRI machine.

When you lose the championship game, the winter seems colder... something we know all too well...

2010 was a trying season for Renal Failure. Our draft seemed to be a good one, but we did not foresee Chris Johnson's troubles. Shady McCoy carried us for most of the season with all his touchdowns. Trading Fred Jackson for Calvin Johnson paid off big time for us, yet another example of how well Renal Failure makes deals. But we didn't have a big waiver wire pick-up that we've had in prior seasons (Brandon Lloyd in 2010 and CJ2K in 2008). Perhaps that was the missing ingredient to our championship souffle. But we did get the first tie ever in the HBFFL and that helped get us into the playoffs on the last game of the regular season.

8-5-1 and runner up in the Humor Bowl... we know other teams would love to have had Renal Failure's season, so our mourning will be brief. And while we are champions no more, we have once and for all solidified our place as the HBFFL's most dangerous franchise. And as the HBFFL runner-up, we are now the early favorite to win next year's Humor Bowl and become the HBFFL's first multiple-time champion.

So celebrate well, LOBO, for heavy is the head that wears the crown, and you don't do as many neck exercises as we do.

Renal Failure was the 2010 HBFFL champion, the 2010 FTWL champion, but is still the People's Champion. That Dallas/Philadelphia game fucked us over in the other league we made the playoffs in, as did Adrian Peterson's total knee destruction. This was a Christmas Eve of fantasy team implosions. Thankfully we were drunk most of the day.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Predator Press HBFFL 2011 Champion

Predator Press


I have said over the past few weeks that I didn’t think my team could defeat many teams out there. And I went on to say explicitly, “Nobody is beating Renal Failure, barring RF’s team suffering an unlikely cascade of unfortunate catastrophic events.”

It would take –dare I say it?

A miracle.

With the lowest “Points Against” even now, it was clear early on that Jesus wasn't going to let you pagan infidels score against me. And nobody was more floored than I to see the vast number of last-minute horrific injuries Jesus would inflict upon your pagan infidel teams to ensure my 2011 triumph.

So we must ponder solemnly upon the message that Jesus is sending us with this victory -on His very Sacred and Hallowed Birthday- and be thankful for His benevolent and judicious generosity. For what better Christmas gift can Jesus give you but the gift of me? And a glorious reign under my iron fists of galvanized Anointed wisdom for the next 8760 hours?

Well, 8759 now.

-It took me an hour to write this.

So first, I should take a few of these regal moments to articulate a well thought out rebuttal to Renal Failure’s recent insightful and comprehensive Humor Bowl analysis:


Now that have that out of the way, I should also underline that I fear nothing. Except brain eating amoebas.  And most birds.  And tap water.  And confined spaces, open spaces, bees, Brussels sprouts, Hittites, Styrofoam, latex, icebergs, robots, bobcats, umbrellas, people named "Clyde," triangles, the number 4, most small children, New Jersey, stairs, everything after 'Bromine' on the Periodic Table, crowds, saccharin, airline travel, hyenas, zebras, and numerous judges from a list of municipalities too long to list.


Further, I would like to individually acknowledge and thank all those that made this glorious, historic reign possible:

And finally, thanks to my formidable, funny, respected HBFFL colleagues and Unfinished Person for another really fun season.

-See you on the gridiron next year!


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Week 16: We're Going Back to the Humor Bowl, Baby!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure

You do not fuck with Megatron. He rips bears in half and throws them into space...

Third time was hardly charming at all for Chris and his Purple Drank as they fell for the third time this year to Renal Failure, this time in with a savage 135-68 catastrophe. How could this have happened to the Number One seed? Well, the Drank came up small when it mattered. Rob Gronkowski vanished (5pts) as Aaron Hernandez lit up the Broncos, Ray Rice couldn't get going against the Chargers (10pts) and Michael Turner only did what he was projected to do (12pts). Worse was Chris's choice of QB's, going with Andy Dalton instead of Ryan Fitzpatrick. Dalton limped in with 6pts while the Harvard man sat on the Drank bench with 22pts, not that it would have mattered but it would have lessened the brutality on the scoreboard.

As for The People's Champ, your defending HBFFL champ, all we needed was two of our stars throwing goddamn grizzly bears into deep space to beat Purple Drank's whole starting roster. Megatron lived up to his reputation as the leader of the Decepticons by torching the Raiders for 40 absoludicrous points and Shady McCoy racked up an insane 32-point day against the Jets. 72 points from just two players... a prime example of what we've been saying all year: Renal Failure is the HBFFL's most dangerous team. Why don't owners believe us when we say that (aside from LOBO who has been on the trolley for weeks)? With Tony Romo's 29-point Saturday night, this game was pretty much over by the 8:30 Saturday night game between the Ravens and Chargers.

When you have the best record in the league and then get blown out in the first round of the playoffs, it kind of feels like this...

135 points for the People's Champ, and with not a lot of help from some of our regulars either seeing how 72 of those are Megatron and Shady's. CJ2K disappointed, as usual, with a mere 10 points while Marshawn Lynch and Ryan Mathews rocked 16 and 22 points respectively on the People's Bench. We're getting to the point where we're winning despite of Chris Johnson, like we're handicapping ourselves just to see if we can get away with it. Brandon Lloyd didn't have fun with the Bengals, getting only 4 points. Even Billy Fucking Cundiff had a boring 2-point day. We need these guys to turn up their games if we're going to take win in Week 16 and become the HBFFL's first repeat champions.

(Yeah, all y'all teams wish you had taken me up on my earlier trade offers for Lynch and Mathews now, don't ya? Now look at you! Not in the championship game. What? Yeah! Thought so.)

And who is standing in the way of the People's and Defending Champion in Humor Bowl IV? LOBO and his Predator Press again! He barely clawed past the Bourbon Blasters (thanks to the San Francisco Defense and Joe's big point-scorers languishing on his bench), and now we have a rematch of last year's Humor Bowl III, the first time ever in the HBFFL for that. Last year, both teams cranked the knobs to 11 to make the playoffs, and while Renal Failure had to do that again this season to get in, LOBO was the front-runner for most the season and coasted into the playoffs with the 2nd-best record in the league. Does he have the same hunger, the same drive, the same desperation that he had last year? Hardly, considering he left in Mike Williams as his wide receiver this past week (no points). That decision almost cost him vs. the Bourbon Blasters.

Ines Sainz, patron saint of Tight Denim Victory, the People pray to you to grant Renal Failure another glorious HBFFL title, seeing how we finished dead last in the FTWL this year...

LOBO has Arian Foster with an awesomely-good matchup vs. the lowly Colts. Matty Stafford will be throwing the rock a lot against San Diego, unfortunately it will mostly be to Renal Failure's Calvin "Megatron" Johnson). LOBO could start a gimpy Ben Roethlisberger vs. St. Louis, but Big Ben's health seems too big a risk to gamble on. Jermichael Finley has a shot of getting thrown to more with Greg Jennings still injured and Aaron Rodgers being embarrassed by the Chiefs this past week. Michael Bush might have to contend with a returning Darren McFadden for touches vs. Kansas City. At the wide-out position, LOBO will be hoping for surprising days from Nate Washington and Julio Jones.

But LOBO is facing the team he fears most...

Renal Failure is stacked to dominate in this championship game. Big numbers are abound in the Philly/Dallas game as both defenses suck. If Andy Reid can remember the simple equation of "Giving the ball a lot to Shady McCoy = better chance of winning" then that will force Tony Romo to toss the ball often, sometimes to Jason Witten who will not be covered by the Eagles' high-priced cornerbacks. Chris Johnson will be given the chance to redeem himself for this entire season with a juicy matchup against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Megatron is Megatron and will handle himself. Brandon Lloyd will likely have a chance to put up big points in garbage time vs. the Steelers. And Billy Fucking Cundiff is still Billy Fucking Cundiff.

We've revved up the HBFFL Fantasy Football Battle Simulator again. LOBO is represented by the redhead with the rocket boots, Renal Failure is represented by the blonde woman without pants...

The projected score of Humor Bowl IV is 105-97 in favor of... YOUR PEOPLE'S CHAMPION RENAL FAILURE! Funny... last year Yahoo! had LOBO projected as the winner. Seems like this is yet another trend Renal Failure will be breaking this year. We've already defied the universe by making the playoffs. Now let's go the full nine, deny last year's runner-up the crown, and repeat as HBFFL champions. The People enjoy their champion being the actual champion and wish it to remain that way for another year.

Week 16: The Greatest Week in Fantasy Football. Unless you're in one of them weird leagues that don't do their championship game until Week 17.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Our reputation precedes us, as does that court order saying don't be within 200 feet of an elementary school.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Thank you, Tim Tebow (and Jesus?)

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

If I had the chance to do it again, the only thing I would have done differently this week in my matchup against What the Canuck?, which I won 102-57, would have been to play Brent Celek instead of Owen Daniels.

Celek had 26 fantasy points to Daniels' 3.

That way I could have crushed What The Canuck? by an even larger margin, 125-57.

And even though Tim Tebow didn't lead the Broncos to a win over the Patriots, he (and Jesus?) still led me to the win here.

Next week the angel Moroni leads me to the fifth place consolation crown.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Week 15: You're Never as Smart as You Think You Are

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure

Some things seem like a good idea at the time... like benching LeSean McCoy...

Renal Failure once again defies all odds, and reason, and laws of physics by becoming the first HBFFL team to make the playoffs the year after winning a championship, breaking the defending champion curse by way of a nail-biting 94-92 victory over Unfinished Person. Going into Monday night, UP was up 92-64, but we still had Marshawn Lynch and Brandon Lloyd left to play. Beast Mode scored 22, Brandon Lloyd got 8, sealing the win for your People's Champion in what has to be the grandest comeback in HBFFL history.

WILD CARD, BITCHES! 4-2-1 in the 2nd half of the season! Another strong finish for Renal Failure. Only the Bourbon Blasters had a better 2nd half record than your People's Champ.

But in all honesty there's not much to feel good about with this win. UP lost DeMarco Murray early in the Dallas/New York game and Greg Jennings got injured in his game vs. Oakland in the third. You might say they left their games "unfinished." However, UP got huge days from MJD (37 points) and Marques Colston (27 points) so it's not like UP was starving for points, though he wished Michael Vick put up more of a fight than 12 points.

Nonamedufus sees that his Week 14 win over Multiple Scorgasms was for naught...

Your People's Champ almost pulled what Chris did last week: The Self-Inflicted Lineup Screw Job. See, we looked at the matchups for Week 14 and saw that Marshawn Lynch was playing against the weakest run defense in the NFL and thought "Hey, this might be a good week to start this guy. And he's been throwing up big bear-in-space points lately." That meant making a choice between benching Shady McCoy or Chris Johnson. Shady was up against a tough Dolphins run defense, CJ2K was at home vs. a Saints defense that doesn't scare anyone. CJ2K was projected for 16 and had been on a roll lately, McCoy was only projected for 12 and the Eagles were getting back Vick who can run the ball into the end zone himself with ease, so we trusted the numbers and benched McCoy. And it was true that McCoy had trouble gaining yards vs. the Dolphins, but he also got two touchdowns. CJ2K had just as much trouble vs. the Saints and had no scores.

Hey, we started the season with CJ2K screwing us over, that's how we were going out!

So yes, in retrospect we can clearly see how placing our entire season's hopes and dreams on a Rams/Seahawks game wasn't really the intelligent play we originally thought it would be. And as we went into Monday night your People's Champ had just about resigned ourselves to the notion that we had hara-kiried our season by trying to be oh so fucking clever. Not that the rest of the Renal regulars did much of anything to help. Mighty Megatron (3pts) and Jason Witten (1pts) were outscored by Billy Fucking Cundiff (6pts). Only Tony Romo's ridiculous 39-point day was keeping things competitive. But our gut feeling paid off, and Beast Mode and Brandon Lloyd came through for the People, returning Renal Failure to the playoffs with a marginally better record than last year (8-5-1 in 2011, 8-6 in 2010). And we're super glad we got that tie vs. Multiple Scorgasms because we would have lost the tiebreaker with NoNames.

Just when you think you have Renal Failure beat, they get 30 points on Monday night and hit you with a mid-air RKO/Diamond Cutter...

So... opening round of the playoffs... and look who's waiting for us: Chris and his Purple Drank. What do we know about Purple Drank? We know we've beaten them twice this season. We know he's solid at RB with Ray Rice and Michael Turner. We know he's got the top TE in the league with Rob Gronkowski. But we also know his QB situation is dire with Andy Dalton and Ryan Fitzpatrick being 13th and 14th in QB scoring.

But what do you know about Renal Failure? Did you know LeSean McCoy was the highest-scoring RB in the HBFFL? Did you know that Marshawn Lynch is 6th and has been sitting on the Renal bench for most of the season alongside the 10th-leading rusher Ryan Mathews (hey, we wanted to make some deals but no one wanted to play Let's Make a Deal with Renal Failure)? Did you know Megatron was 2nd in the league in WR points, or that Tony Romo is 8th in QB points, or that Jason Witten was one of only four tight ends this season to break 100 points? Did you know that CJ2K sucked ass for most of the season, only getting double digit points in six out of 14 games and still is the 12th-highest scoring RB in the HBFFL?

Well, now you know and knowing is half the battle!

The other half of the battle? Not losing your goddamn mind...

Yahoo! is projecting a 103-92 victory for... RENAL FAILURE? Against the 10-4 Purple Drank? How can this be? Well, CJ2K is running against the winless-for-a-reason Colts, Shady McCoy will be running on a Jets defense that is weak on the ground, Megatron will be snagging down touchdowns vs. the Raiders, and Tony Romo will be throwing all day vs. the Buccaneers because that makes more sense than handing the ball to Felix Jones. Sure, Chris has a good matchup with Ray Rice running roughshod over the Chargers and Rob Gronkowski going up against the inexplicable Broncos, but as stated before he still has Andy Dalton and Ryan Fitzpatrick as his QB's. That has to make Chris feel a bit queasy, pinning his playoff hopes on them.

The only trend Chris has going for him is that he's 1-0 in playoff games vs. Renal Failure. But as Week 14 showed, Renal Failure breaks trends. And wins games.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We finished dead last in the FTWL and lost our opening playoff game this week in our third league. Playoffs in our fourth league don't start until Week 16 but we've already clinched a spot. Three playoff berths in four leagues... not too shabby.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Two Frakin' Points

Two points? Two points. That's all it took to see my playoff dreams slip quietly out of my hands. I did my part. In the last week of regular season play I scored the biggest blowout in the league against Multiple Scorgasms. But somewhere else in the league, someone else had other ideas. It seems Mr. Renal Failure didn't live up to his name but squeaked by Unfinished Person by two points to successfully claim the final 4th playoff spot. Damn you RF. Where does that leave my playoff hopes?


But, hey, it's been fun. For a neophyte team the nonames did okay. I enjoyed the season, going up against my competitors and teasing and trash talking here on the HBFFL Blog. So RF, congratulations. To the finalists, the best of luck.

And me?

So long from fantasy football island.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

2011 HBFFL Week Fourteen Fantasy MVPs

I gotta give the top MVP nod to the Gronk, despite the fact he was the fourth-highest scorer. Thirty-three points is unheard of for a tight end, and he set a record for most TD's in a season at the position. And then there's this play...

QB 1: M.Ryan 39 points (320 yds, 4 pass TD, +5 300+ yds, 1 40+ yd TD)
Future Ex-Cons

QB 2: T. Romo 39 points (321 yds, 4 pass TD, +5 300+ yds, 1 40+ yd TD)
Renal Failure

RB: M.J. Drew 37 points (85 yds, 2 rush TD, 51 rec yds, 2 rec TD)
Unfinished Person

WR: J. Jones 29 points (104 yds, 2 rec TD, 1 40+ yd TD, +5 100+ yds)
Predator Press

TE: R. Gronkowski 33 points (160 yds, 2 rec TD, +5 100+ yds)
Purple Drank

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: I'm just not that brutal and neither are Greg Jennings and DeMarco Murray

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

Last week prior to my matchup with him, Renal Failure asked me if I was this brutal.

Even though he might not have known it then, my wife and I don't have children (by choice)... ...so the answer, before I even faced him, was HELL NO.

Yes, this is true:

How many Justin Biebers could you take in a fight?
Created by Oatmeal

But when you think about it, that's pretty sad. Renal Failure probably could take at least 30 Justin Biebers in a fight, spit them out for breakfast and then eat them again for lunch. Dinner? Forget it. He'd devour a posse of Jonas Brothers and Jonas Brothers wanna- bes without blinking an eye.

I was flinchingly unbrutal in my contest against RF this past weekend as my players let injuries get the best of them.

Sunday afternoon, Greg Jennings sprained his left knee in the third quarter of his Packers' game against the Raiders.

Then Sunday night, DeMarco Murray suffered a broken right ankle in the first quarter of his Cowboys' game against the Giants.

Instead of playing through their injuries and propelling me to an upset win over RF to keep the People's Defending Champion *spitting* out of the playoffs, they left their respective games...

....but not respectably as each only scored TWO fantasy points.

I told our league's commissioner, Chris Cameron, that I wouldn't use this word in this post. However, after both Jennings and Murray let me down to a 94-92 loss to RF, I'm going to say it:

Are You Ready for some HBFFL Playoffs

Week Fourteen is in the books and the fantasy football playoffs are set for the HBFFL. And would you believe a defending champion has bucked the trend of not making the post season after winning it all the previous year?

At #1 we have my team Purple Drank, making my third appearance in the playoffs in four seasons. PD is the second highest scorer but has not avoided the injury bug plaguing so many fantasy football units in 2011. I've lost both of my quarterbacks Cutler and Schaub and now roll with Dalton and Fitzpatrick behind center. The WR position is a guessing game at this point but I've got some good choices.

Then there's Gronk. Game changer.

Lobo's Predator Press lands the #2 seed and their third straight playoff berth. His team is middle of the road in scoring and had the easiest regular season schedule. But he also has dangerous scoring potential in a one-game matchup with Stafford, Jones, Bush, and Foster. And with Jennings out his TE Finley could see more targets.

And he lost last season's Humor Bowl. And so far the loser one year has won it all the next. So Lobo has history on his side.

Joe's Bourbon Blasters gets the #3 seed, also qualifying for the playoffs three out of four seasons. Always watch out for a team that trades Foster for Andre Johnson and still ends up #1 in scoring and gets nine wins despite the fact they were #2 in Points Against.

Most dangerous playoff opponent, thy name is Bourbon Blasters.

Renal Failure has the #4 seed, and a third straight post season appearance, breaking the curse of a defending champion not making the playoffs. And you never want to write off a defending champion, especially one with a very hot Marshawn Lynch and huge possible potential out of Megatron and Chris Johnson.

RF is looking to be the first repeat champion. And he has a team that could do it.

Week One playoff matchups:

#1 Purple Drank vs #4 Renal Failure

#2 Predator Press vs #3 Bourbon Blasters

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Predators Pray

Predator Press


I’m not going to produce fancy “facts” and “mathematics.”  I’m just going to come right out and say Chris’ latest gridiron menace is every inch as formidable as his previous incarnations.

In fact the mere thought of facing his team again makes my genitalia want to suddenly retreat up into my stomach.  For those of you unfamiliar with that feeling, I have provided this image:

But how does Ben Roethlisboner keep getting his arms and legs snapped off, and still throw in for 22 points using only his lips? And in Week 14, how does Predator Press still have the lowest “Points Against” in the entire league?

It can mean only one thing.

Divine intervention.

Jesus wants all you pagan infidels smoten.

-And He is using me as His Divine Holy Smiterator!

I, for one, think bein thrown down into the fiery pits of Hell where you'll all be roasted in lava pits of salted glass shards (while Jesus an I push your heads under with our sandals laughin like giddy little schoolgirls) for all Eternity might actually do you miscreants some good.

-It might even turn some of you into creants!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Week 14: Gotta Win It to Get in It

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure

No "Boom! Headshot!' for Chris this week... your People's Champ was just too quick.

Renal Failure sweeps the regular season series vs. Chris with a 99-97 victory over Purple Drank. CJ2K has peaked at the right time with a huge 34-point day, complemented by LeSean McCoy's 24-point effort vs. Seattle (an effort dwarfed by Marshawn Lynch's 33pts sitting on my bench... bet all you team wish you had taken me up on my BEAST MODE trade offers now, honkeys!)

Other than that, the starting Renal Roster came up small. Tony Romo was one yard away from the 300-yard bonus (18pts), Jason Witten did not see the end zone (4pts) and neither did Brandon Lloyd (3pts) or Megatron (7pts). Houston's D hasn't been panning out like we hoped (4pts) and even Billy Fucking Cundiff disappointed (6pts). On the Renal Bench, Michael Crabtree outscored both Lloyd and Megatron (17pts). Even Carson Palmer had a better day at QB (21pts). So did the NY Jets Defense (8pts). Few things hurt a Fantasy Football owner more than leaving points on the bench.

Chris don't know the sort of pain Renal Failure knows...

Chris might have outfoxed himself out of a win this week, benching normal starter Michael Turner for Lagarrette Blount. Turner ground out 4pts, Blount only managed a singular point. Usual-starter Stevie Johnson sat on the Purple Drank bench with 11pts while Chris went with Laurent Robinson who only got 7pts. If Chris doesn't tinker with his normal lineup, he wins Week 14 against the People's Champion.

Not that Chris didn't have a good week. Rob Gronkowski rocked a 3TD 24-point day, which is absurd for tight ends. Ray Rice marched up 32-points against a tough Cleveland defense. Mike Wallace got a solid 15-points against the Bengals. Unfortunately, no one else on the Purple Drank roster had good days. On top of Blount's singular point, Andy Dalton had a weak 10-point day. Even kicker Alex Henery had a sad with only two points.

To conclude Week 13: both teams had players throwing bears into orbit, cancelling each other out. Ultimate victory came down to scores of the non-bear-throwing teammates.

Renal Failure has a simple strategy for victory, and that's why we're the HBFFL's most dangerous franchise...

The last game of the regular season sees Unfinished Person returning to give us an opportunity to avenge our Week 5 loss. Unfinished Person gets Michael Vick back, though Miami has been playing tough defense and the only Philadelphia Eagle worth a shit lately has been Renal Failure's Shady McCoy as Desean Jackson has lost interest in the season. Greg Jennings is still a danger since Aaron Rodgers throws him the rock, MJD is MJD, and DeMarco Murray has been a decent pick-up (we know because we have him in other leagues bringing us good numbers).

Too bad for Unfinished Person that Renal Failure has caught fire in the second half of the season, as usual. Along with Shady McCoy's usual top tier performance against anyone he plays, Tony Romo and Jason Witten will be in an NFC East shootout for first place vs. the Giants. Megatron will be pulling down passes all day against a Minnesota defense that let Tim Tebow run up 35 points on them. Brandon Lloyd should be all right vs. Seattle. And as always, Billy Fucking Cundiff is Billy Fucking Cundiff.

You know shit's gotten real when we invoke the power of Ines Sainz, our Lady of Tight Denim Victory. May her hotness bring us a playoff berth and another championship...

As of this posting, Yahoo! is projecting a 106-85 victory for your People's Champ. We like our odds considering this is a revenge game for Renal Failure, and no one does revenge like we do. Plus a victory clinches the final playoff spot, breaking the vicious HBFFL cycle of champions not making the playoffs the year after winning it all. UP would like to be a spoiler, but we just don't think he's bhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifrutal enough to do so. You need a cold heart to properly enjoy ending a team's playoff hopes, a vicious brutality that makes people look at you and slowly back away with abject horror. Are you that brutal, Unfinished Person? Maybe, considering you're starting Michael Vick.

Brutality is our speciality. Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to ruin the dreams of every person you meet...

Speaking of playoffs, here's what the playoff picture looks like in this last week of the HBFFL regular season.

Multiple Scorgams, Bald Spots, What the Canuck?, Future Ex-Cons, and Unfinished Person have been eliminated from playoff contention, but if Bald Spots beats Canuck by more than 15 points Bald Spots gets into the consolation playoffs to compete for fifth place vs. Ex-Cons, UP, and whoever misses the actual playoffs (more on that below). Canuck would get 9th place.

Predator Press and Purple Drank have clinched playoff spots. A PredPress win clinches them the first seed. A PredPress loss and a Purple Drank win ties them for first, with Purple Drank currently ahead in the Points For tiebreaker by 67 points.

Bourbon Blasters clinch with a win or with a loss and both Renal Failure and NoNames losing as well.

Renal Failure clinches with a win or with a loss coupled by a loss or tie by NoNames.

NoNames can clinch one of two ways: easy and hard. The easy way is to win their game vs. Multiple Scorgasms and for Renal Failure to lose vs. Unfinished Person. The hard way is winning vs. Multiple Scorgasms, Renal Failure winning, and Bourbon Blasters losing. That sends Bourbon Blasters and NoNames to the tie breaker where Bourbon Blasters currently have a 44-point edge in the tie-breaker.

So yeah, the postseason picture is a lot simpler this year, but no less exciting. And your People's Champion is ready to defend their title in the playoffs because that's what the People demand.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We've made the playoffs in two of the other leagues we're playing in this year, but not in the FTWL where our season had crashed and burned four weeks ago.

The Shame Report - Week 13

*** BONUS ***


Aaron Rodgers Vows To Make Season Interesting By Killing Self

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

2011 HBFFL Week Thirteen Fantasy MVPs

Despite the fact Aaron Rodgers got the most points this week's MVP game ball goes to Percy Harvin. Why?

Rodgers has won it like a million times this season but also because Harvin will most likely get a migraine and retire before he graces the MVP list in the future.

QB: A. Rodgers 40 points (369 yds, 4 pass TD, 32 rush yds, 1 Int, +5 300+ yds)

RB 1: C. Johnson 34 points (153 yds, 2 rush TD +5 100+ yds, 1 40+ yd TD)
Renal Failure

WR: P. Harvin 34 points (156 yds, 19 rush yds, 2 rec TD, 2 40+ yd TD, +5 100+ yds)
Multiple Scoregasms

TE: R. Gronkowski 24 points (64 yds, 2 rec TD, 1 rush TD)
Purple Drank

Who's The Leader Of The Club That's Made For You And Me?

Who racked up 40 points in week 13 and put a spring in nonamedufus' step for the first time since the nonames went into a spiral of losses starting in week 10?

That's right, friends - and I use the term loosely - Aaron frakin' Rodgers! The Packers squeaked by the Giants to preserve their perfect no-loss season and in the process lifted your 2011 neophyte nonames into the hunt for playoff contention.

And we left follically- challenged Bald Spots pulling out any hair he has left with our 116-74 lop-sided, "biggest blowout" victory, despite the presence of his starting QB - some little known guy from New England.

Of course the nonames victory wasn't solely on the back of AFR. No. Jets RB Shonn Greene contributed 28 fantasy points. And even Giants WR Hakeem Nicks posted a respectable 20.

So in terms of football finalist wannabes with one week remaining Predator Press and Purple Drank have clinched playoff spots. Bourbon Blasters at 8-5-0 appears to be headed there. And the last playoff spot is up for grabs between the 7-5-1 2010 champion, blah, blah, blah, Renal Failure and what some are calling the upstart nonames with 7-6-0. But for nonames to grab the golden ring he has to win this week and Renal Failure will have to lose to Unfinished Person. Let's go UP!

And this week your nascent nonames take on the basement-dwelling Multiple Scorgasms (great team name. Performance, not so much.) We may just eke out a win. I'm gonna remain positive about it. The prophecy will be fulfilled. "What prophecy?" those who have read this much of this post may ask. Well, as I wandered the desert of desolation and despair during my three week decline and departure from the winning column, I never gave up. Nope, I just kept saying to myself...

Duh...see you in the playoffs.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Thursday night games AND APYS

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

I coulda been a contender...

...for this year's playoffs except for two things:
  1. Me ignoring the Thursday night rule.
  2. Chris ignoring the APYS (Always Play Your Stud) rule.
When you have a Thursday night game, make sure you get the wrong quarterback out of your lineup and the right one in.

For me, the wrong one:

I should have known not to play a dude with a lame-ass goatee.

And the right one:

original photo courtesy of Open Sports via Flickr, with a little adaptation by me

Nine points for Vincey Young vs. 22 points for Timmy Tebow. I coulda, woulda, shoulda won 83-81 over What The Canuck? Not lost 81-70 as I didda.

Now Chris' mistake wasn't as large a point mistake as mine, but it was just as crucial as it allowed Renal Failure, the self-proclaimed People's Defending Champion, to win 99-97 over Chris' Purple Drank squad and not help my playoff chances as a result. Chris played this guy:

Hell, I'd play the guy based on this photo.

Instead of this guy:

Atlanta Falcons Game
photo courtesy of The Suss-Man via Flickr
Dude is so quick. He's a blur.

LeGarrette Blount only scored one point to Michael Turner's four points, but as even a fifth grader can tell you, four is more than one and in this case would have given Chris the one-point victory over RF, 100-99. Plus you never sit your studs.

Not sure how to find a stud...or even your studfinder? How about this?

comic via xkcd.com

For next time, Chris.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Purple Drank Will Make Renal Failure Fail

Sure, I'm in first place and have already clinched at least a #3 seed in the playoffs.

A happy moment indeed.

But does that mean I'm gonna mail it in when it comes to a grudge re-match this week between myself and Renal Failure, the defending champion?

Hell no.

Some owners think this is the kind of thing they should do, like this guy:

"I know if I deliberately lose, I'll get a better matchup. But, if I throw my game, it will affect other people's playoff hopes."

Effing noob. You know what's better than getting a better post-season matchup? Beating a team that has a playoff hope even when you are already in the playoffs.

Awesome indeed.

By the way, if you have to seek justification for being an asshole on a public forum perhaps it is not your cup of tea. Would a villain who kicks puppies ever ask an internet message board if it was the right thing to do? Just saying.

So I face a tough matchup this week against Renal Failure. He needs a win to retain his fourth seed playoff spot. But he has to beat me to keep that hope alive.

And just to ensure I will screw up his plans for a post-season slot I am employing a very special secret weapon for Week 13.

Yup, that's right, it is none other than FPS Doug from the Pure Pwnage internet tv series.

Hey Renal Failure...Boom Headshot!

Week 13: Down to the Wire in 2011

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure

"You can't plan for no 18-point day from Dustin Keller, man... that's Fantasy Football life..."

Week 12 saw Troi and his Future Ex-Cons slip away with a victory over your People's Champion 108-96. Troi got big days from Matt Ryan (25pts), Roddy White (23pts), Brandon Marshall (21pts), and Dustin Keller (18pts). Torrey Smith and Frank Gore came up small (2 and 3 points respectively), and that might cause some trouble for Troi in these later weeks, but for now things are relatively peachy for the Future Ex-Cons as they make a late push for a playoff berth.

Renal Failure saw Chris Johnson's 23-point day wasted by soft performances from Tony Romo (15pts), LeSean McCoy (12pts - just give this man the ball Andy Reid and you'll keep your job, dumbass!), and Jason Witten (4pts). Megatron salvaged his Thanksgiving game with a late touchdown (1opts), Brandon Lloyd is having a solid 2nd-half of the season with a 13-point day vs. Arizona, and Billy Fucking Cundiff is still Billy Fucking Cundiff, booting 10 points. Against most other teams this week, Renal Failure would have walked away with a W and been one step closer to the playoffs. Instead, we ran into an overachieving team, a hungry team.

"2-2-1 in the second half of the season? Shiiiiiiiiiiit."

So let's talk about playoffs. The picture is getting crowded again, with Troi and UnfinishedPerson making the sort of late season runs that Renal Failure is infamous for. Troi and Rambler are tied for fifth at 6-6, along with the NoNames who fell to 6-6 after losing to the Bourbon Blasters, who are now 7-5 and in sole possession of 3rd place. Predator Press and Purple Drank sit atop the standings at 9-3, clinching playoff berths. Now it's only a question of who gets the Number One seed (Purple Drank has the points advantage).

At 6-5-1 Renal Failure still controls their own destiny, sitting in 4th place by ourselves. We win the rest of our games, and we're in. Best we can do is the three-seed, which is where we were last season when we won it all.

It's time to get hyped for Week 13 the Renal Failure way... with groin kicks aplenty and The Final Countdown blasting on the jambox!

So Week 13 sees Purple Drank come back into the People's House. Chris might be smarting over the 137-76 beating we gave him in Week 4, but his matchups in Week 13 might sting more. Ray Rice has to run against a stingy Browns defense. Michael Turner is up against the Texans big D. He's down to Andy Dalton at QB who is playing against the Steelers, which pits Mike Wallace up against the nasty Bengals defense. Laurent Robinson and Rob Gronkowski will have to pick up a lot of slack for Purple Drank.

For Renal Failure, CJ2K and Shady McCoy have decent matchups against the Bills and Seahawks. Megatron plays the Saints, so that will be a shootout. Brandon Lloyd remains Sam Bradford's only decent target and he's been a steady performer these past couple weeks. The most favorable matchup is Tony Romo and Jason Witten vs. Arizona, and as long as Romo throws a lot to people not named Laurent Robinson, it's all good in the Renal neighborhood.

Yahoo! projects a 102-92 victory for Renal Failure, which doesn't fill us with a lot of confidence considering how wrong last week's Yahoo! projections were. But it should make us feel better than Chris about the prospect of winning. And look at it this way, Chris, the number one seed ain't all that and a bag of chips. Only once has a #1 seed won the championship, and that was when Joel was masquerading as his wife back in 2008. Quite frankly, we don't think Chris can pull off capri pants, let alone a skirt.

Two weeks left... it's going to be a wild finish for the Wild Card of the HBFFL.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We don't have HBO or Showtime so we've never seen the shows that everyone always gushes about like The Sopranos, or The Wire, or Dexter. Why watch TV when there are Maru the cat videos to watch online?