Friday, November 29, 2013

What hath Week 12 wrought on our playoff picture?

by Renal Failure

When you make the playoffs, you feel like the most important man in the world...

Renal Failure fought back for a 2nd straight comeback victory, beating Kerridan's Okay Team 99-97 in Week 12 and earning a playoff berth.  On the flipside, Kerridan has been eliminated from playoff contention, being the unlucky victim of Knowshon Moreno's monster 33-point Sunday night.

It's not all sunshine and blowjobs for Renal Failure though.  Zac Stacy went down with a concussion, yet another injury to our effective RB ranks.  Luckily we've got LeSean McCoy coming back from the bye week feeling fresh and froggy.  We need it because our WR corps have not been producing. Jordy Nelson needs Aaron Rodgers back and Wes Welker needs... a hug? We don't know.

Shame on a fantasy football owner who tries to run game on Renal Failure...

At 9-3, your People's Champ is tied for 1st with Future Ex-Cons who lost to Purple Drank, keeping Chris's playoff hopes barely alive for another week.  Purple Drank is the longest of the long shots to make the playoffs.  Sitting at 5-7, Drank needs to win their last two games vs. Predator Press and Delusion of Adequacy AND needs Bourbon Blasters to lose both their remaining games AND needs Bald Spots to lose once AND Delusion needs to lose in Week 13 (because Delusion would beat Drank at 7-6-1).  And even if all that happens, Drank still needs to win the tie breaker against whoever is at 7-7, which does not bode well for Chris because Bourbon Blasters currently has a 101 points-for edge over Drank, and Bald Spots has an 89-point edge over Drank.

Bald Spots... see above except you're only 24 points behind on the tie breaker regarding the Blasters. You get Kerridan in Week 14 - winnable.  But you get Renal Failure in Week 13 - not good.

From the longest shots to the surest bet - Predator Press.  LOBO gets in with one more win - either over Purple Drank or Bourbon Blasters.  But that's boring.  Let's talk about how LOBO could blow it.  Predator Press misses the playoffs by losing their remaining games AND by Delusion of Adequacy winning out vs. Gerrog's Ninjas and Purple Drank AND EITHER Blasters winning out OR Blasters losing Week 13 but beating PredPress in Week 14 and winning the 8-6 tiebreaker (PredPress currently has a 73 point edge). 

Don't get caught with your pants down, LOBO...

Bourbon Blasters are in control of their destiny - win both remaining games and Joe is playoff bound.  If they go 1-1, they'll need Delusion AND PredPress to lose out (see PredPress's 73pt tie breaker edge). If they go 0-2, they'll need Delusion to lose out, and Bald Spots and Purple Drank will also have to lose a game, but if Spots and/or Drank go 2-0 and tie Blasters at 7-7 there's the matter of the tie breaker.  Remember, Spots is only 24 points behind on the tie breaker and will be on a two-game win streak in this scenario. 

Delusion needs some help to get in, but it's doable.  If Delusion wins out and Predator Press and Bourbon Blasters get stuck on 8 wins, Delusion will get the 3rd seed with their 8-5-1 record.  If Delusion wins out and Bourbon Blasters goes 0-2, Delusion will get the 4th seed.

Who gets their clothes moved to the consolation playoffs peg?

The battle for the #1 seed is on, but it's not really a race worth winning historically in the HBFFL.  Aside from Fantasy Virgin (aka Bourbon Blasters Joe disguised as his wife) in the inaugural 2008 season, no other #1 seed has won the HBFFL championship. Note: Predator Press was tied for the best record in 2011 with Purple Drank at 10-4, however Purple Drank held the tiebreaker and was ranked first in the standings. Only two #1 seeds out of 5 seasons have made it to the championship game (2008 Fantasy Virgin and 2009's Renal Failure) while three HBFFL champions have won with 8-6 records (2009 Purple Drank, 2010 Renal Failure, and 2012 Future Ex-Cons). But no #4 seed has ever won the championship either - '09 Drank, '10 RF, and '12 Ex-Cons were #3 seeds.

Two weeks left to figure all this crap out.  Whose hopes will be dashed in Week 13?

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


What are we?

The Rob Ford of the NFL?

Must be.

Yahoo sports says the nonames are full of underachievers.

Week 12 saw nonames lose to Bourbon Blasters 83-76.

That's a record 8 losses in a row.

Well at least we're first in something.

WR Victor Cruz and his 1 point and TE Tony Gonzalez and his 4 points contributed to keeping the nonames out front in losses.

Boy it sucks to be me.


Pass it to me Rob, I'm open…

This is the last time I take fantasy advice from this guy.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Magic 8th win for the People

by Renal Failure

Kneel before Zod... and Cam Newton's 28-point Monday night!

Your People's Champion claimed a come-from-behind victory over Delusions of Adequacy 111-99, thanks to Cam Newton's performance.  Delusion was up 91-82, but only had Kicker Steve Gostkowski to counter our yet-to-play QB.  The nine-point edge wasn't enough, and Renal Failure earns an important 8th win of the season with 3 left to play.

One more win earns the People a playoff berth, as Troi's Ex-Cons claimed a spot with their victory over Gerrog's Ninjas. And the schedule is in the People's favor for getting at least one more victory, as Renal Failure faces 4-6-1 Kerridan's Okay Team in Week 12, 5-6 Bald Spots, and 3-8 Gerrog's Ninjas - all teams that Renal Failure has beaten already.

Renal Failure loves knocking people out... of the playoff picture!

Mathematically-speaking everyone's still in the playoff hunt, but realistically we're pretty sure 6 wins will not get you that last playoff spot so Ninjas and NoNames are out.  7 wins gives you a remote possibility - and being 7-6-1 gives you a better chance - so Kerridan needs to win out his remaining games and hope that two other teams don't reach 8 wins.  This means Renal Failure has the opportunity to crush Kerridan's playoff dreams with a win in Week 12. There might be some difficulty getting that win though because the NFL's leading rusher and steady Renal Failure bear-chucker LeSean McCoy is on a bye week.  Luckily the People get Zac Stacy back in the Renal Failure lineup and he's likely to put up huge numbers vs. the Bears.

If Kerridan wants to stay in the playoff conversation, he'll need big weeks out Jamaal Charles, Andre Johnson, and Rob Gronkowski to carry his lineup.  Ben Roethlisberger had a huge bear-in-deep-space Week 11, but can he do it two weeks in a row? Doubtful.

The last couple weeks of the regular season can be exciting... yet BRUTAL!

Yahoo! likes our chances of winning this week, and we're cool with our chances too. Winning out the season would give us 11 wins, but probably not first place. Future Ex-Cons is a game up on us, is way ahead on points scored, and their final three games are against 4-7 Purple Drank, 6-5 Bourbon Blasters, and 3-8 NoNames.  They're unlikely to lose two or all three of those games.  But for Purple Drank, a win keeps their slim playoff hopes alive for another week, and would certainly provide them with confidence vs. Predator Press and Delusion in Weeks 13 and 14.

Delusion at 5-5-1 is the wild card danger team because if they win out they're almost assured to get that last playoff spot even if another team reaches 8 wins, thanks to their Week 10 tie with Kerridan. 8-5-1 is how Renal Failure snuck into the playoffs in 2011, which lead to an appearance in the Humor Bowl in Week 16.  Even 7-6-1 spells trouble for other teams - that's the record that got Purple Drank into the playoffs last season.  Never trust teams with ties.

Bald Spots can get to 8 wins if they win out.  They just need to beat Delusion this week, the People's Champ the following week, and Kerridan in the finale. The good news for them is that if it comes down to a tiebreaker, either at 7 or 8 wins, they're in a competitive position with points scored.

PredPress only needs one win to reach 8, and will probably get it vs. Gerrog this week, or possibly Purple Drank the next.  They don't want to have a must-win game vs. Bourbon Blasters in Week 14. Drew Brees ain't screwing around. And if a 7-win log jam occurs, the tie-breaker bodes well for them in the points scored department.

Speaking of the Blasters, at 6-5 they only need 2 wins to get to the Magic 8th win, but their schedule is tough.  Yes, they're up against the 7-game losing streak-owning NoNames this week, but they draw first place Ex-Cons then 3rd place PredPress to end the season. The Blasters losing is key to creating a 7-win jam for the last playoff spot.  

It's going to be an exciting end to the 2013 HBFFL regular season - except for NoNames and Gerrog.  Sorry dudes.  It hurts. We've been there. It happens. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Biggest Blowout!

Yeah, that's me, in case you didn't recognize me. Biggest Blowout? Sure, on the losing end. Purple Drank skunked the nowins 131-67 for our seventh loss in a row. I think there's an award for the most losses in the league, isn't there?

I think my problem is I've been so busy following Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's antics I've not paid enough attention to fantasy football. Yeah, that's it, me and the Mayor were in a drunken stupor last week.

Clearly there's a crack in my fantasy football strategy.

Nowins' QB Manning's (Eli's not coming folks) 15 fantasy points, WR Victor Cruz's 10 and RB Reggie Bush's 10 were no match for Drank's QB Stafford's 33 fantasy points, WR Antonio Brown's 33 and RB Ray Rice's 25 respectively.

The nowins are now in 9th spot, recently vacated by Purple Drank who slips into 8th.

Way to go Drank. Is that Purple stuff some kind of energy drink? Can you pass some over here, huh?

Still with the drinking theme, next week nowins takes on 4th place Bourbon Blasters.

In the meantime…

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Win streak dead at 7

There goes our win streak... and Arian Foster for the season...

Hopefully we'll get our revenge on LOBO at the sweetest moment... in the playoffs, in the championship game. Until then, we've got Delusions of Adequacy to beat to get that important 8th win. 


Thursday, November 14, 2013

The Seven Deadly Wins

 Predator Press


TWICE this month, I deployed quarterbacks (Cutler, Locker) that delivered negative points.  To paraphrase, I would have been better off not playing quarterbacks at all.

But this time it worked out. I was playing Renal Failure. My dear friend RF cunningly used Cam Newtron -the inventor of gravity- in an attempt to launch numerous bears into space. But the bears he was using were fat, shut-in bears, lazy from seven victories, while the Preds cleverly brought Brandon Marshall starving, malnourished, emaciated bear cubs.  (Fuck you, PETA.  This is football.)

PETA: Brandon Marshall got 5
points with aerodynamic "Cuddles."
She died bravely in a fumble,
and was very, very tasty.
Still, Predator Press needs a solid TE. We tried to trade nonames with a very generous offer for Tony Gonzalez, and he rejected it. In retrospect we would like to thank nonames for his foresight and continued support of Predator Press, as this would have ruined our season entirely.  But we are still offering Le'Veon Bell and/or a nice portfolio of WR …
… Because the big dog in the house is the Future Ex-Cons.

Are we really going to let a sadistic, child torturing “teacher” win two seasons in a row?

-He makes our kids watch books!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

We're #8!

The Packers gave my man Aaron Rodgers a new helmet.

As a result of week 10's match-up between no names and Gerrog's Ninjas, nonames now has the distinction of having the longest current losing streak in the HBFFL. Hey it's not everybody that can claim such a record. Um, in fact, it's nobody else that even comes close.

I'm not going to go into a blow-by-blow overview of the nonames loss. But when Ninja's St Louis Rams' defence racks up 25 points you can understand how the fix was in.

WR Golden Tate and RB Reggie Bush racked up 21 and 15 respectively but it wasn't enough. WR Victor Cruz carried the ball for 3 fantasy points. And with primo QB Aaron Rodgers out, back up QB Eli Manning only racked up 9 points. The score: Ninjas 88 - nonames 70.

8th place? 6 straight losses? How do I feel about all this?

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Lucky seven win streak for the People

by Renal Failure

We weren't going to post this week about our 7-straight victory, but then we saw this in the Yahoo! recap of our Week Nine victory of Troi's Future Ex-Con's.

"Renal Failure has developed a reputation as unbeatable after winning their last seven."

The kindest words we've heard all season... and they come from an automated recap program. Oh well, a win's a win - 104-78 over the 1st place highest scoring team in the HBFFL. Yeah, he didn't have Peyton Manning or Frank Gore, but we didn't have Wes Welker (or technically Arian Foster too).  Bye week blues get no pity from us. Even Jonathan Martin would tell you to buck up.


Will we get to 8 straight wins in Week 10 vs. 3rd place Predator Press(6-3)?  Yahoo! doesn't seem to think so, giving LOBO a 106-88 projected edge in our matchup.  For a second week this season, a Renal Failure victory could hinge on Nick Foles forgetting how to play quarterback after a deep space bear-chucking previous week. 

LOBO doesn't remember what it's like to lose to Renal Failure, because he hasn't done that since the HBFFL championship game of 2010...

At 7-2, Renal Failure is only two wins away from the magic nine win mark.  No team in the HBFFL has ever missed the playoffs with nine wins.  Only two teams have missed the playoffs with 8 wins (2008 Renal Failure and 2011 NoNames), and only one team has made it in with 7 wins (Purple Drank in 2012 at 7-6-1). 

Renal Failure is the 2010 HBFFL and FTWL champion, as well as the People's Champion. Every week Richie Incognito calls our voicemail and leaves us a pep talk.  We still haven't found his brother Guy Incognito though.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Nowins Nonames

nonames 41 vs Bald Spots 87

I don't want to talk about it.

Byes killed the nonames.

Then Chicago killed Rodgers,

Then an injured Rodgers killed nonames.

After five straight losses I'm changing the name of the team from nonames to nowins.

Eighth place?