Friday, October 29, 2010

Week 8: Renal Failure vs. Battling Butterflies

by Renal Failure

I don't care if you don't have anything below the belt, Bex, I'm punching there anyway. All's fair in love, war, and the race for the playoffs.

This is it. The game that determines the People's season. The game that either keeps our playoff hopes alive or murders them in their crib. The game that could give you an ice cream sundae or colon cancer. All right, so that last one was a lie, but it's hard to hype up a game between the 9th and 10th place teams in the HBFFL, which is what Renal Failure (2-5) and the Battling Butterflies (1-6) are.

Sitting at the halfway point of the 2010 season, the People's Champion Renal Failure is battered, bruised, and bedeviled. Our running back depth that was supposed to be our strength is gone, with only Chris Johnson remaining from our corps of Ryan Grant, Pierre Thomas, and Clinton Portis. Tom Brady, the man who invented throwing bears into outer space, has not dominated like we had hoped. We also haven't dominated in the Kicker and Defense/Special Teams categories as we have in previous years, which is how we became known as The Wild Card (bitches!). And only in recent weeks has our wide receivers actually started manufacturing at a decent clip. Last year, we set a new record for points scored in a season; this year we are 9th (only Bex is worse). Even worse, we've had the third-most points scored on us (Bex is 2nd, LOBO is 1st). It's going to take some sort of divine intervention to turn the Renal Failure season around.

"Inez Sainz... I have never prayed to you. I may have done other things to you, though..."

And so what better way to begin the miraculous process of salvaging our season than by beating up on the last place team in the league. As seen above, Bex's Battling Butterflies have had worse season than us, and Week 8 doesn't look like it's going to be the week where things get better for her either.

Bex is rolling with Carson Palmer, who is playing a Miami team looking to bounce back from Ben "Lifetime Movie of the Week Villain" Roethlisberger lighting them up in Week 7. Her running backs are not the featured RB's on their teams anymore. Mike Tolbert may get a goal line run for a TD, but that will be the extent of his day. And even if she puts in Ryan Mathews he's not going to have a fun time against the stingy Tennessee defense either. Oakland's Michael Bush is only going to get carries when Darren McFadden needs a breather. Greg Jennings is going to get stuck on Revis island in his game vs. the Jets, not that she can swap him out because the rest of her receivers are on bye weeks. The bulk of her points look to come from Steelers WR Mike Wallace, TE Chris Cooley, and the Tennessee Defense if she remembers to put them in.

I don't think this is the Mike Wallace is who projected to have 7 points against the Saints this week, but he and 60 Minutes will be on immediately following the late game on CBS, except on the west coast.

But your People's Champion has a lot of great match-ups this week. Tom Brady's throwing against a rudderless Minnesota squad. Chris Johnson never gets stuffed for small numbers in consecutive weeks. Hines Ward has been on fire since Ben "Lifetime Movie of the Week Villain" Roethlisberger has returned, and the Steelers will be in a shootout with the Saints this week. Brandon Lloyd and the Broncos are playing the 1-6 49ers. And we'll see if Dwayne Bowe can make it three straight weeks of 20+ points, a likely scenario considering he'll be playing the Buffalo Bills.

As of Friday morning, Yahoo! has Renal Failure winning 85-66 vs. Bex (85-74 if she remembers to put in the Tennessee defense). That looks about right to us. It'll be a fine day for the People's Champion to start rattling off wins for a playoff push, and to cement Bex in as the last place team in the HBFFL, like the Fantasy Football version of The Cask of Amontillado.

Renal Failure would rather hear Inez Sainz do play-by-play than Joe Buck.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

When Tony Romo's broken collarbone is the bright spot of your week...

by Renal Failure

Disappointed Cat is disappointed... as are the Philadelphia Phillies, New York Yankees, and your People's Champion.

5 yards. All Jason Witten needed was five more receiving yards and Renal Failure would have pulled off the 2010 version of the Dallas-fucking-Clark maneuver where your TE throws a bear into space and wins the game for you. Comeback of the Year. Greatest Comeback Ever in the HBFFL perhaps. Instead, Dez Bryant got the call for the last Dallas score and the People's Champion loses Week 7 109-104 to Predator Press, who still lost to Bex in Week 6.

Of course, we wouldn't have needed Jason Witten to have the best game of his 2010 season if the cornerstones of our team, the innovators of chucking bears into space, Tom Brady (13pts) and Chris Johnson (6pts) had bothered performing this week. If that wasn't bad enough, Brandon Lloyd had a miserable day against Oakland (4pts) as well after performing so well the past few weeks. Dwayne Bowe (20pts) and Hines Ward (24pts) kept us in the game, as did the Kansas City Chiefs Defense (13pts), but it just wasn't enough.

But at least your kidneys still work, right? Right? Oh...

Once again, we pull the Jedi mind trick on an opponent, planting the seed of doubt about Chad Ochocinco as well as the Predator Press receiving corps. So LOBO went out and got Patrick Crayton, who had a respectable 8-point day against New England. However, Ochocinco put up a big 21 points vs. Atlanta on LOBO's bench. But he stayed firm on Roy Williams and was rewarded with no points from him. Even Mike Sims-Walker, who we maligned in last week's review had a nice 9-point day at the hands of the Jaguars' backup QB but also sat on the PredPress bench.

Damn it, one of these weeks we're going to make this mind-trick work for us to actually win a game instead of making us lose by less than we should have.

But luckily for LOBO his strategy of having the running backs that carried Renal Failure to the championship game last season finally paid off as SJax had 19pts and MJD had 17. Vernon Davis added an impressive 13 in the TE slot while the Seattle Defense had a nice 12 spot, all of which complimented Ben "The Lap Dance is Always Better When the Stripper is Crying" Roethlisberger's huge 32 point day vs. Miami.

And the less said about Eli Manning's 44pts and Brandon Jackson's 15pts sitting on our bench, the better...

This is how we feel about our 2010 season...

The People's Champion drags themselves to the halfway point of the season at a paltry 2-5. We're the San Diego Chargers of Fantasy Football this year, full of talent but somehow we just don't win. No team in HBFFL history has made the playoffs with a record under 8-6, so Renal Failure has to go at least 5-2 in the second half of the season to have a shot at a wild card spot. Considering Renal Failure holds the HBFFL record for consecutive victories in a season (8 straight to start the '09 season), you can't count the People's Champion out just yet. The road to the playoffs starts in Week 8 vs. Bex's Battling Butterflies. Our preview of that matchup will be later this week, after we stop howling like a mournful wookie into the empty night sky wondering why our team sucks.

Renal Failure plays in four fantasy leagues, and every team of ours has Hines Ward (ed. correction: except one), as well as our HBFFL teams for the last two seasons too. We're not sure what that says about us.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I can't shake the Texas monkey for trying

Two weeks ago, I had the Glen Campbell song "Galveston" stuck in my head. Then last week my Yankees lost to the Texas Rangers in the American League Championship Series. Sunday like much of the country, I was caught up with the news of tornadoes tearing through East Texas.

So it seems only apropos that this week's fantasy football game between my Ramblers and Joe's Bourbon Blasters, who is from where else but Texas, would be settled in Texas.

Entering Monday night's game, the Ramblers led the Bourbon Blasters, 98-90 with each of us having a Cowboy on our roster: Joe, Miles Austin; I, Felix Jones. In the end, to paraphrase the Linkin Park song of the same name, it didn't really matter as neither player was able to make a significant impact one way or the other on our game or the game thanks to Tony Romo leaving the game with a broken left collarbone. Austin scored three fantasy points; Jones, five and I won 103-93 as the Cowboys lost 41-35.

In the end, what mattered was that I finally was able to get this Texas monkey off my back, and next week should be a Texas free week...

...or will it be? Wait a minute, I have this guy from the Houston Texans coming back from his bye week:

Damn you, Arian Foster. Damn you.

Well, seeing as I have Foster on not only my team here, but also on my team in the other league in which I participate, and I have no plans on getting rid of him in either place, I better just embrace the Texas monkey. Take it away, Ronnie...

Sunday, October 24, 2010

From left to right on your radio dial? Um, not for me.

Since listening to the NFL on XM/Sirius (because my wife and I have chosen not to have cable or satellite or even rabbit ears) every week, I've learned one of my pet peeves about football radio announcers is how they'll mention a player is throwing, kicking or passing "from left to right on your radio dial."

First, how do they know I'm not sitting on the other side of the stadium? Maybe it's right to left for me.

Second, the player isn't throwing, kicking or passing on the radio dial either. The player is throwing, kicking or passing on the field.

Do you have any pet peeves when it comes to radio or even TV announcers?

Friday, October 22, 2010

Week 7 Preview: Renal Failure vs. Predator Press

by Renal Failure

Artist representation of LOBO's loss to Bex last week...

It's a battle of underachieving 2-4 teams this week as Predator Press comes into the People's House to face Renal Failure at the midway point of the HBFFL regular season. But it is also the most important game of Week 7 because it will likely dictate which team will be in playoff contention in the second half the season and which team will only be a potential spoiler for the playoff contenders in the later weeks.

Obviously Predator Press will be looking to bounce back from their crushing defeat to the formerly-winless Battlin' Butterflies of Bex. LOBO comes equipped with a third of Renal Failure 2009 starting lineup, but they haven't been performing up to snuff in 2010. Maurice Jones-Drew hasn't been putting up bear-like numbers; hell, he hasn't even thrown a raccoon into orbit yet. Chad Ochocinco has seen all his catches go to T.O. this year. Only Stephen Jackson has been scoring a decent amount of points on a regular basis in the flex spot, making him the highest scoring non-QB on the PredPress roster.

SJax tiptoes silently across the field... hoping no one will notice he's the only one on the Rams' with any real talent...

The rest of LOBO's lineup has some promise. He's got Ben "No means Yes" Roethlisberger in the QB slot, but Renal Failure has his favorite target Hines Ward starting to siphon off those big points Big Ben puts up. Vernon Davis has been picking his game up recently and is certainly a more likable option than RF's erratic Jason Whitten at TE. Even Roy Williams has the hot hand lately, which is fortunate for LOBO because his depth at WR sucks. Who else would he play? Mike Sims-Walker? With the QB issues in Jacksonville? Please.

But Renal Failure has some excellent matchups this week. Brandon Lloyd is playing Oakland and that's likely to become a shoot-out at the Orbital Bear Corral. The rejuvenated Dwayne Bowe is going against a weak Jacksonville Jaguars team that got stomped by Tennessee last week. And Tom "Bear NASA" Brady is going to be throwing the ball all day against the San Diego Chargers.

Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy think Seattle being projected for 15 points against Arizona seems a bit on the high side. But Kansas City getting 9 on Jacksonville seems about right.

Yahoo! is projecting a 95-85 victory for your People's Champion Renal Failure, but we think Chris Johnson getting 24 against the Eagles is a rather ambitious projection. Still, Chris Johnson likes a challenge and Tennessee has shown they'll let him run all day long even when the game is pretty much over. The People like their odds to go 3-4 at the mid-season mark and return to the realm of playoff contention.

Renal Failure is not a witch. Renal Failure is you, except with bigger tits.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Apparently Dwayne Bowe can only score points when you bench him

by Renal Failure

You can't beat us, because we're going to beat ourselves. Chew on that while we bleed on your rug, honkey-ass cracker.

The People's Champion paid for their boldness this week, losing 78-73 to the Bourbon Blasters. Chris Johnson tried to make a game of it, but our decision to play Danny Amendola (1pt) instead of Dwayne Bowe (27pts) cost us Week Six, no question about it. Even Brandon Jackson's 7-point day would have given us the victory. But then, we wouldn't be bold, and no one can take our boldness from us. Not Joe. Not Chris. Not Rambler. And certainly not LOBO who lost to Bex this week, ruining Bex's quest for the first winless season in HBFFL history and bringing much shame to LOBO's family name.

Also, LaDainian Tomlinson and Michael Crabtree getting their 2nd half scores for the Blasters didn't help our cause either. But Miles Austin pulling a Danny Amendola kept things close while Lance Moore's 11pts and the Giants Steve Smith's 7pts languished on the bench. But Joe wasn't being bold with those lineup decisions, so he should feel shame (especially since we probably talked him out of starting Steve Smith with last week's preview). And we sort of exorcised the ghost of Dallas-fucking-Clark as the TE we used to call "money" had a middling 5-point day while Chris Johnson scored 22.

And we need to point out that Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy were very wrong in their declaration that Drew Brees scoring under his projected 25 points. 31 is more than 25, ladies!

Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy would like to point out that their expertise is not in football but in decapitating people and showing fools what their intestines look like.

What did go right this week? Chris Johnson getting some last second stat-padding numbers at the end of the Tennessee-Jacksonville Monday night snoozefest felt pretty right to us. Brandon Lloyd got his projected point total against a tough Jets D. Tom Brady got his projected total too, but we expect more from the man who invented throwing bears into outer space. Hines Ward came back with a nice 11pt day thanks to Ben Roethlisberger's return after sitting out four games because he doesn't understand what consent means. So things might actually be looking up for your People's Champion... 'cause they can't get any much worse. Unless we lose to Bex. Like LOBO did. By 26.

So the People's Champion limps into Week 7 with a unpleasant 2-4 record, the same record as our opponent that week LOBO's Predator Press (did we mention he lost to Bex?). We'll have a preview of this epic battle for sole possession of 7th place (especially if Don's Eunuchs keep faltering) later in the week. Until then, stay bold.

Renal Failure can't lose to Bex until they play in Week 8.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I post on a Monday thanks to Canada

Mainly, blame Canucklehead.

Due to his team being unable to put up a fight this weekend, I am able to post this edition of Tuesday Morning QB a day early. I lead 107-59 as of this morning and all he has left is a kicker, Rob Bironas of the Tennessee Titans, to play, so I'm pretty safe in assuming I have this one in the bag.

But also give credit to the key players on my team for showing up: Aaron Rodgers, 33 fantasy points; Arian Foster, 21; Frank Gore, 19; and Minnesota defense, 10.

And my bench players, especially Thomas Jones who robbed some of the glory of Canuckehead's running back, Jamaal Charles. Jones ended up with 22 fantasy points; Charles, a mere 11.

So really what I'm saying is give credit to me and me. I chose to play the players I did, including those on the bench, and I still won.

I think, though, in the end, why I won is my groovy Yahoo avatar

Yahoo! Avatars

hypnotized Canucklehead's bland Yahoo avatar

into keeping Green Bay Packers tight end Jermichael Finley in the lineup even though he was injured.

Next up: Joe's Bourbon Blasters, who will be playing without Dallas Clark!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Week 6 Preview: Renal Failure vs. Bourbon Blasters

by Renal Failure

Brett Favre ain't got shit on George C. Scott, and he's been dead for years...

It's Revenge Game time for Joe O. as his Bourbon Blasters take on the People's Champion Renal Failure in Week 6. Last season, Renal Failure squeaked out a one-point victory over last year's Defending Champions to keep their undefeated season alive, and that one game might have been what caused Joe not to make the playoffs last year. Also, Joe's undefeated streak to start this season ended with LOBO's Predator Press getting a big 21-point day from TE Vernon Davis, making Joe taste the dreaded "I Got Beat by a Tight End" soup that we had been served back in '08 when Dallas-fucking-Clark (then of the Ramblers) outscored Chris Johnson to beat us.

But what do we see here? Joe has Dallas Clark and the People's Champ has Chris Johnson in their lineups for week's throwdown. Could it be that this is the People's Chance to finally chase away the Dallas Clark poltergeist that has haunted us since '08, except for when his haunting laid dormant in '09 because we had him in our employ?

"Go into the light, Dallas Clark... all are welcome... all are welcome..."

As of Friday morning, Yahoo! has the Blasters whooping up on the People's Champ 93-71, worse than the 93-80 they wrongly projected us to lose by last week to Canucklehead. Tom Brady's only projected for 20pts against the Ravens, who last week gave up big numbers to Kyle Orton (though Joe is going to cut into Brady's points by starting Wes Welker). Chris Johnson is slated for 15 against the Jaguars, but this is a Bear Orbital Warning game because the Jags' Defense is weak. TE Marcedes Lewis still gets no respect even though he's got 5 touchdowns on the year and seems to be the only weapon David Garrard can rely on in the pass game. Daryl Revis is questionable against the Broncos, not that Brandon Lloyd cares because he's Brandon Lloyd and 100-yard games is his thing, at least it is this season. And the People's Bold lineup choice of the week: starting Rams' WR Danny Amendola. Sam Bradford's going to be slinging the ball around all day playing from behind vs. the Chargers, someone's got to catch it. And with Mark Clayton's gone for the season it's the perfect time for Amendola to shine.

On the Blasters side, eh... those numbers seem about right. Maybe Steven Smith loses some catches and TD's to Dominik Hixon and Mario Manningham. Maybe Shonn Green has the hot hand instead of LaDainian Tomlinson vs. Brett Favre's groin, uh I mean the Vikings. And perhaps the lack of a running game hurts Drew Brees vs Tampa Bay more than the brain trust at Yahoo! thinks. We tend to trust our own in-house brain trust more on these matters.

Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy think Drew Brees will fall short of his 25 projected points. They also think that Joe should start DeAngelo Williams because you get secret Yahoo! bonus points for starting people who are on Bye Weeks.

The People's Champion seems to be getting their mojo working again, and a win here would get them back to .500 right before the midway game of the season in Week 7, setting the Wild Card of the HBFFL up for a decent chance later in the season at an actual wild card spot, or possibly even first place. And everyone else in the HBFFL will be rooting for Renal Failure to win because then Joe would get knocked out of sole possession of first place and cast back down to the desperate masses. Plus it would guarantee Joe won't go 13-1 and break our record for wins in a regular season that we set last year. See? Everyone wins. Except for Joe. And probably Bex too 'cause she forgets to fix her lineup for her players' bye weeks.

Renal Failure has seen the best and brightest of his generation cut down by kung-fu treachery.

Favres Appendages Bigger News Than Himself

You thought Brett Favre's retirement/un-retirement news was a bit much the last three offseasons? That was nothing compared to the big story about him sending pictures of his junk to a fellow employee two years ago.

And just when the penis talk finally went flaccid in the media this video came out Wednesday from a local tv affiliate filming Favre's practice:

That's right, for the first time in television history a nut shot was shown on the news.

But it was clearly no "Ode to the Nut Shot"...

Ode To The Nut Shot - Watch more Funny Videos

Of course now the big talk is about Brett's arm. Maybe by the end of the season we will be out of appendages to talk about. He only has three left.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Clawing our way to a .400 winning percentage

by Renal Failure

Happy Belated Canadian Thanksgiving, Canucklehead. Here's a present for you...

Just when people (but NOT "the People") were about to write off Renal Failure, the Wild Card jumps on your head, snaps some limbs, and reminds you that while the Wild Card may be struggling in 2010 they are certainly not the team to steal on.

For the first time this season, the People's Champion has broken the 100-point mark (something that used to happen pretty much every week last year) with their 108-56 victory over the Marxist conspiracy known as What the Canuck? by way of Brandon Lloyd and Chris Johnson both scoring 30 points in their games, thus outscoring all of the Canuck starting lineup by themselves. In other words, yes, the shithawks did indeed come for Canucklehead this week. Just like we said.

How many points does this man have to score for Yahoo! to stop leaving his fantasy match-up slot blank?

Not to say that everything we claimed last week in our preview was correct. While we did correctly say that Canucklehead wouldn't be happy if the Colts/Chiefs game wasn't a Cape Canaveral for launching bears into space (and it wasn't; they couldn't even get a bear off the ground in that game. Hell, Peyton Manning almost got outscored by Canuck Kicker Rob Bironis this week while Kyle Orton had 32pts against the Ravens on the Canuck bench), we totally got the Rams/Lions game wrong (though it did set up a great Prophet Muhammad joke for us). Well, half wrong actually, because only the Lions had the big offensive juggernaut day we had expected out of both teams. Rams' star WR Mark Clayton left the game early with a season-ending injury and QB of the future Sam Bradford only scrounged up 10pts for the People while Eli Manning and his 32-points sat on our bench to commemorate "Leave your highest scoring QB on the bench week" here in the HBFFL. But we don't regret our QB choice, because we were being bold.

While our TE Marcedes Lewis was putting up a Dallas Clark-like 17 points, Canucklehead's prized TE Jermichael Finley was being carted off the field early in the Packers/Redskins game. But Renal Failure sheds no tears for other teams with injury problems, especially considering Clayton being lost for the year and three out of the four running backs we had originally drafted being currently injured (Ryan Grant, Pierre Thomas, and Clinton Portis). Yeah, we lost all of our RB depth in four weeks. We're now starting a Buffalo Bill at our flex spot (Fred Jackson with a serviceable 9-point day). Do you know how bad things are when you're starting anyone from the Bills? If we lose Chris Johnson I think all the HBFFL managers should send us a care basket full of Guinness and a card signed by all of them reading "Our sincere condolences for your 2010 Fantasy Season."

"Oh, and you have cancer too..."

Week 6 sees the People's Champion going against the highest scoring team in the league, the 4-1 Bourbon Blasters, managed by Leigh's Husband Joe O (the 2008 HBFFL champion). We'll have a preview later this week of how we will either knock him from his first-place perch or how we will lose horribly but boldly.

Renal Failure is thankful that the Queen isn't on his money. Or ducks either.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

On the Corner of 8th and Jazzed


I can’t speak for Don or RF, but I don’t know how much harder I could have worked to clinch this three-way tie for ninth place.

Like RF, we were coming from three back-to-back losses. But for the Preds, two of them were wholly unexpected; it seemed a particularly harsh toss by the Fates. I swear to God in Week Three, ten minutes after the game, Stattracker was still deducting points from Carson Palmer.

For me, morale hadn’t been that low since my 2009 draft results. And with a third of my team -including Ben Roethlisberger- between “byes” and Vick out indefinitely, the Preds were at best at mediocre strength. Up against the undefeated Bourbon Blasters, what chance did we have with no quarterback and a rather flaccid receiving corps?

We had LaDainian Tomlinson. That’s what.

I remember LaDainian Tomlinson's unique legacy of bitter Fantasy disappointment all too well. In fact I think it was Bourbon Blasters' Joe himself that pointed out I “rode LaDainian Tomlinson right out of the [2008] playoffs.”

-Kinda poetic, isn’t it?


Tuesday Morning QB: Where I coulda been a contender

I coulda been a contender.

It's true. I coulda been another Billy Conn.

However, Chris Cameron decided it wasn't my night and all I got was a one-way ticket to Palooka-ville.

To wit, according to Yahoo projections, I was supposed to win 109-86 over Chris's La Machine, on the backs of Aaron Rodgers, Arian Foster and Frank Gore, but then Chris along with Ray Rice, Cedric Benson, Terrell Owens and Roddy White said, "This ain't your weekend."

Mainly, it was Arian Foster who took the dive, amassing only 2 fantasy points when he was supposed to have had 24. The only card I could have dealt differently was Santana Moss, who had 16 fantasy points, but even then I would have lost to Rice's 32, Benson's 22 and Owens and White's 21 apiece.

I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Chris...

...and those four goons you had.

La Machine and The Ramblers meet again Week 14 where already The Ramblers are projected to take a 111-79 win.

While I take nothing for granted, next time we'll come out swinging.

Yeah, it will be like that.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

La Machine Must Get Ill This Week

I might not have more rhymes than Phyllis Diller but I've got a fantasy team that is finally warming up. And I have added Marshawn Lynch, who will get 20 carries a game for Pete Carroll's rah-rah Seahawks.

Did you know they have theme days in Seattle?

The Jets also have theme days. Every Thursday is "Junk Pics" day, where the players send pictures of their private parts to women. Wednesdays are "hit on the hot reporter during practice" day. Passing drills are performed to end up in the area the woman is doing the report from. Coaches and coordinators are also encouraged to participate.

But no matter what the Jets are doing this is a big week for the defending champions. Beat the impressive Ramblers and go 3-2 putting my team in the driver's seat for a playoff spot, or lose and go 2-3.

Besides the Beastie Boys motivating my team, I have a secret weapon like no other before it for this one.

Not only is this person a secret weapon because of his ability to scare children, but he also plays on my team.

Yup, Marshawn Lynch. And with the price of gold these days his teeth alone are worth the value of many countries' GDP.

Fear and liquid assets are what La Machine brings to the table this week.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Week 5: Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck?

by Renal Failure

The shithawks are coming, Canucklehead. We know. Because they already came for us.

A year ago, Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck? was the hottest HBFFL match-up of the season at that point. Both teams were 4-0 and looking to take a dominant position in the HBFFL standings. But in 2010, What the Canuck? is 3-1 and ranked third in the league while the People's Champion is mired in ninth place with a 1-3 record and suffers from multiple running back injuries and an inability to score points. Yeah, not quite the barn-burner last year's game was.

Yahoo! has What the Canuck? projected to win 93-80 over Renal Failure, but we think they're severely undervaluing Chris Johnson vs. Dallas with 12 projected points. Yes, the Number One Overall Pick severely underperformed last week, but he said on his Twitter page that we shouldn't worry and that he's going to have a better October. And if it's on Twitter it's gotta be true, right?

Oh we are so fucked...

Like last year, Canucklehead starts Peyton Manning but this time he's got Reggie Wayne too. They are projected for 27 and 10 points respectively against the Kansas City Chiefs, which sounds right because the Chiefs are weak against the pass (weird, seeing how they're undefeated, and Austin Collie's questionable for the game). And Canucklehead's starting Chiefs RB Jamaal Charles who is projected for 11pts against a Colts defense that is soft against the run. If bears aren't launched into orbit in this game, Canucklehead's not going to have a happy day.

But the People have their own QB/WR combo. Tom Brady's on a bye so we've got the Rams' Sam Bradford along with WR Mark Clayton starting for us against Detroit. In our new effort to be bold and wrong with resolve, we're going to put an Orbital Bear Watch on this game because St. Louis and Detroit believe in defense the same way Muslims believe in having velvet paintings of Muhammad hanging on the wall above their Islamic couches.

Love me Allah... love me true...

But Renal Failure can't play the injured Pierre Thomas, and we released Clinton Portis after learning he'll be out 4-6 weeks, so we're left with Fred Jackson of the Bills as our flex starter. With Marshawn Lynch being traded to Seattle, we're hoping he rises to the occasion and returns to being the 1,000 yard rusher he was last season. That's right, we're going to use Canucklehead's precious Buffalo Bills AGAINST him! What kind of devious team would do such a thing? What kind of madman would actually start a Buffalo Bill? THE WILD CARD, BITCHES! That's who.

The People do not want to see their Champion fall to 1-4, but the People haven't been getting much of anything in 2010, except getting shit on by the shithawks. We have to get out of the Shit Nest, and we're running out weeks to do it.

Renal Failure isn't letting the liquor do the thinking. Renal Failure IS the liquor.

I Know You’re All Thinking It

I’m absolutely convinced the sports talking heads are full of bullshit now.

And it’s easy for them to do. If they start to slip, all they do is make up a name to throw us off.

It goes like this:

Q: “So do you think Jay Cutler’s recent concussion will effect this season’s expectations for the Bears?”

A: “Well it all depends Doug. But Jay Cutler has bruised his brain. Him being out far a few weeks can be expected. And hey, it‘s the Bears. Nobody is going to no … eh … know how difficult a road Jay Cutler has ahead of him. Remember what happened to Flandsa Ha’asasanba.”

Flandsa Ha’asasanba?

And nobody calls bullshit on it either.

“Oh, yes.” Doug agrees. “Ha’asasanba. Tragic story.”

Anyway. The whole reason to have a blog -besides the free exchange of ideas on how Superman could be killed- is Brett Favre. And this blog does not disappoint!

Forget that Brett Favre is a [perhaps overly] seasoned vetran.

Disregard the Randy Moss acquisition.

But think Jenn Sterger.

My team has embraced the likes of Vick, Roethlis, Portis, Edwards ... and as the 'talent scout' of this cadre of elite malignance, I submit that Favre would be a fine addition to Team Douchebag. Forget waivers … he’s been married 14 years! I should get him by default.

But with the afore-mentioned Roethlisberger and Vick in my chamber, I’m up to my eyeballs in disloyal quarterback smarm. All they do is sit around the kitchen all day and fuck with Chad Henne. Poor ol Chad will be microwaving his burito and pow, he's spitballed in the neck from behind. If it wasn’t so funny, I would probably go ahead and dump Henne and his plush, burrito-riddled late-season schedule for Favre.  Henne farts a lot.  And Favre might be a good influence on Roethlis and Vick in a fatherly sort of way.

But if not, who would they fuck with then?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

LaMachine and Cigar Guy Bring the Pain

LaMachine has found some new secret weapons for 2010. This week it was Cigar Guy, the viral sensation from the photo of Tiger Woods hitting the ball into the camera...

...who helped me on my road to victory against Renal Failure.

I'm not sure how Cigar Guy beating him in a boxing match was relevant to the outcome but I'll take the win against the People's Champ for the third time in a row.

The best part is the debate over who I should have started and sat is meaningless. I won.

Neener Neener Neener.

[Cigar Guy boxing picture courtesy of]

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

At least we remembered to start an active quarterback...

by Renal Failure

We have problems with anger, and with our team not scoring points...

Last season, your People's Champion set the HBFFL record for points scored in a 14-game regular season with 1481, about 105 points a game. In 2010, Renal Failure is second-to-last with 290 points in 4 games (72 points a game), just 35 points ahead of Bex's Battling Butterflies (though it would only be a three-point deficit if she had remembered to start Chad Henne at QB this week instead of bye-week Brett Favre. But at least it didn't cost her the game as it did with Don forgetting to bench bye-week Tony Romo and Kellen Winslow for Matt Ryan and Zach Miller. You got a freebie win there, Static.)

With our 81-48 loss to La Machine, long-waited vengeance was not had and the People's Champion is left to wonder what the hell is going on with their once-feared franchise. Our backup QB Sam Bradford scored twice as many points as Founder of Bear NASA Tom Brady this week (26-13), First overall pick in the draft Chris Johnson churned out a paltry 6 points vs. Denver, and Hines Ward grabbed a solitary point vs. the Ravens. Only Mark Clayton (7pts) and recently acquired Marcedes Lewis (8pts) made any sort of dent on the scoreboard. The fact that we lost by so much mitigates the regret of leaving Brandon Lloyd and his 16 points on the bench for emergency acquisition Tim Hightower's big 2 point day because Pierre Thomas was suddenly inactive for his game against Carolina (another RB on our team injured? You don't say!), and we didn't trust that Clinton Portis would do well against the Eagles (5pts, bad but still better than Hightower).

funny pictures
Let's see... 1-3 record, second-least points scored, most points scored against... yeah, I think I has a pretty big fucking sad.

Our only solace from Week 4 is that we pulled a Jedi mind trick on Chris with our preview from last week. We got Chris to doubt starting Terrell Owens against us with our suggestion that perhaps Braylon Edwards would do better, but since Chris knows that Renal Failure is the goddamn devil, he hedged his bet by not taking our advice of benching the ailing Ray Rice for Peyton Hillis. Owens threw a bear into space with 33 points to Edwards' 14, and Hillis put up an impressive 21 points to Rice's 2. The lesson learned? Don't be meek and hedge your bets.

And Renal Failure learned that lesson for themselves as well. See, we were going to start Brandon Lloyd for Week 4 after hearing that Pierre Thomas was out, but then panicked and picked up Hightower minutes before kick-off. We second-guessed our first instinct. Well no more of that. Renal Failure declares from this moment on to eschew such timidity in our roster choices. If we are to lose, then we shall lose boldly! When the People's Champion acts, it will be with firm conviction and no regrets, because as one of my favorite blogs Fafblog! once wrote: "Being right is not a plan! Being wrong with resolve is a plan!" And if we are to be wrong this season, we're going to do it with resolve.

Removes even the toughest stains on your soul... but not your Fantasy season.

So the new bolder Renal Failure (with 50% more "Wild Card, bitches!" in every bottle) marches into Week 5 against What the Canuck?, better known as the only other team to defeat the People's Champion in 2009. But since we housed Canucklehead in the playoffs that year to avenge that Week 14 loss this is more a revenge game for him. We'll have our review of this pivotal matchup that could either keep the People's season alive or bury it for good later in the week. But either way, it will be bold!

Renal Failure listened to Butt Trumpet and Dead Kennedys all through high school. It probably explains a lot.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Tuesday Morning QB: Where simple math equates to a win

Basically my 105-57 win this week over Bryan's Bald Spots was simple math.

Aaron Rodgers' Exit
photo courtesy of Chad Davis on Flickr



Adrian Peterson!
photo courtesy of xoque on Flickr


Or Rodger's 29 + Foster's 35 = More than all the fantasy points put together by Bald Spots' entire roster with ADP on a bye week. When we face each other in Week 13, ADP will be back and is projected by Yahoo! to put up 27 points against Buffalo. I'm thinking the result might be the same, but with a different team owner writing this post, and I'll be the one singing this song:

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Gary Fucking Kubiak

Photo courtesy of Brit via Flickr

Yep, today this man has made my life a living hell by not allowing his quarterback Matt Schaub feed the ball to MY running back, Arian Foster. Instead Schaub gave it to NOBODY'S Derrick Fucking Ward, who scored a touchdown for the Texans.

After the first half, MY man Arian Foster has 1 measly fantasy point.

Author's Note: Around the time I was scheduling this post, Foster did receive his first carry of the day -- in the second half and did score a touchdown. I might tone it back to Gary Freaking Kubiak at this point and say he's at least made my life a living heck.

Addendum: As of early in the fourth quarter, Foster has 102 rushing yards, 1 rushing touchdown, 3 receptions for 56 yards and a receiving touchdown...for a whopping 32 fantasy points thus far. Thank you, Gary My Main Fucking Man, I Love You Kubiak.