Punching the People's Ticket to the Championship Game

by Renal Failure


Play this video twice to get the full brutality of Unfinished Rambler's weekend in Fantasy Football...

Your People's Champion is heading back to the HBFFL Championship by way of a 104-81 victory over The Ramblers. And doubly upsetting for the Ramblers is that they also lost against us in LOBO's FTWL league as well, leaving not even a quantum of solace for the Unfinished One and his impressive fantasy season (10-4, with a league-leading 1407 points, 7 more than Renal Failure) after missing last year's playoffs. But Rambler thought he could harness the power of Ines Sainz but cutting it with a little Jenn Sterger, and Our Lady of Victory smote him with great vengeance and furious anger... and tight pants.

Rambler's end can be traced to his team catching the injury bug late in the season, losing Frank Gore for the year in Week 12 and Aaron Rodgers for at least Week 15. Other teams had been bitten by injuries earlier in the season (like Renal Failure) and had made the proper adjustments to their lineup come playoff time. Rambler, whose lack of depth had already been exploited by Renal Failure earlier this year during RF's season-saving five-game win streak, was left to depend on Jon Kitna for his playoff life, as well as Deion Branch, Rob Gronkowski, and BenJarvus Green-Ellis in an attempt to mitigate Tom Brady's potential bear-tossing damage.

Now, the Kitna plan would have worked out just peachy keen for Rambler (33pts) except for the fact that Kitna was throwing a lot to Renal Failure's Jason Witten (25pts), thus negating all of Kitna's hard work (which we totally foresaw in last week's preview) . Also, Rambler's multiple Patriot gamble backfired because he didn't play the one Patriot that Tom Brady threw his scores to against Green Bay, Aaron Hernandez (16pts on the Rambler bench, compared to the 2pts Gronkowski got from Brady; we suspect Rambler was scared off from starting Hernandez because he was coming off an injury). Also Brady had a mediocre 20-point day vs. the Packers, translating into worse days for Branch and Green-Ellis (though Ramblers choice of New England for his defense was really good, 15pts). And with Rodgers out, Rambler put his boundless faith into Arian Foster, who hadn't had a bad week all season... until now. Five points for the Number One Running Back in Fantasy Football. Yeah, Rambler's season was pretty much over once the final gun sounded on that Tennessee/Houston game with Foster laying an egg at the worst possible time. Underperformance by your stud players is a pain Renal Failure knows all too well... and would like other teams to share...


Revenge is a dish best served busty and scantily clad...

Chris Johnson was back on his game for The People with a 24-point day against the Texans. Even with Tim Tebow under center, Brandon Lloyd got 13 points (and pretty much accounted for all of Tebow's passing yards too). But the People were disappointed with Peyton Hillis's weak 7-point game, as well as with Dwayne Bowe's 5-point blah game with Matt Cassel returning as Chiefs QB. Weaker than that was the Tampa Bay defense getting a big fat zero against Detroit. But at least Matt Bryant kicked himself a 1o-spot vs. Seattle.

So who will be Renal Failure's opponent this year in Humor Bowl III? It's LOBO and Predator Press, pulling off the 4th seed upset over the first place 12-2 regular season champ Bourbon Blasters 134-69. Michael Vick threw a 54-point bear through the wormhole and into Peacekeeper territory, along with Vincent Jackson's 33-point mauling of San Francisco. Joe lost Knowshon Moreno early in the Broncos game, though it would have made little difference if he had played the whole day considering the margin of victory LOBO racked up on the Blasters.

Funny thing is, Joe beat LOBO last week, which actually gave LOBO the 4-seed and the playoff rematch. But Joe's not wishing he would have tanked that last game, for then Renal Failure would have been the 4-seed and still would have beaten the Blasters. So Joe, you were damned if you did, damned if you didn't, and now you're playing for 3rd place against the Ramblers.

The only HBFFL team to have a worse two week span than Joe is Bryan and his Bald Spots team. Not only did their loss to absentee Team Krapsody knock them out of the playoffs in Week 14, but in Week 15 as the 5-seed in the consolation playoffs they got beat by 8-seed What the Canuck? after Adrian Petersen was deactivated for the Monday Night Vikings/Bears game. Such a rough way to end a good season for the Bald Spots.... going 7-2 and then losing the last four of five to miss the playoffs... then falling victim to the 8th-seed Canuck. At least if he lost to an American he could salvage some bit of pride. That should make him hungry for next year for sure.


Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy would like to point out that La Machine beat Team Krapsody to move on to see who finishes fifth. They would also like to point out that, for the good of keeping his intestines on the inside, LOBO should seriously consider starting Ben Roethlisberger instead of Michael Vick.

Anyway, back to Predator Press... LOBO has been found guilty in the People's Court of trying dick-ride our Ines Sainz devotion to fantasy football success, and next week Renal Failure has the chance to carry out the sentence on him in not just the HBFFL but his own FTWL as well, considering he won his playoff game there too. Can the People's Champion become an actual champion? Can Renal Failure be a multiple league champion? Or will the HBFFL be cursed to suffer the reign of a manager who averaged over four roster changes a week in 2010? Plus, keep in mind this is a revenge game as LOBO squeaked out a win against your People's Champion in Week 7. And you know how much Renal Failure loves revenge games because NO ONE CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE THE WILD CARD, BITCHES!


And we look good in black leather too...

Our preview of HUMOR BOWL III and the grand finale of the 2010 HBFFL season will be later this week. Until then, keep waving those Renal Failure towels high in the air.


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Renal Failure is in the championship game in three out of the four leagues they are in, and is a firm believer that Farscape is the far superior science-fiction show than the overrated crap known as Firefly.

Week 15 Playoff Smackdown: Renal Failure vs. The Ramblers

by Renal Failure


Ines Sainz has done more for denim than Levi Strauss...

We're going to try to make this short because we've been busy as of late, trying to squeeze in some Christmas shopping in between devotional services to Our Lady of Victory. Renal Failure is projected to win 110-91 vs. The Ramblers. Let's break this down into its component parts.

Much of Renal Failure projected score comes from Chris Johnson's 25 projected points vs. Houston (reasonable considering Houston's weak defense), Peyton Hillis's 17 projected points vs. Cincinnati (sort of reasonable considering the Bengals suck), Tom Brady's 23 projected points vs. the Packers (highly reasonable because it's Tom "Bear NASA" Brady), and a surprising 12 projected points for the Tampa Bay Defense vs. Detroit (maybe not that reasonable because of all the injuries the Bucs have had lately).

Rambler's got some issues. Sure, he's still got the Number One RB in the league in Arian Foster, but he's going to be without his big-time QB Aaron Rodgers this week because of a concussion, placing his playoff victory hopes on Dallas' Jon Kitna. Amongst other problems with depending on Jon Kitna is that Renal Failure is starting Jason Witten at TE, a popular target of Kitna last week. Rambler looks to counter that by starting as many Patriots as he can, such as Deion Branch, Rob Gronkowski, and BenJarvus Green-Ellis. And while we see some value in that plan, it's not fool-proof because Tom Brady spreads the wealth. If Wes Welker, Aaron Hernandez, and/or Danny Woodhead have a big game, it's going to kill Rambler's chances of winning against his nemesis.


No sugar for us, Rambler. We're sweet enough...

What will win or lose this game for your People's Champion is whether Brandon Lloyd and Dwayne Bowe can turn things around after playing wretchedly the past two weeks. Lloyd's going to have Tim Tebow throwing the ball this week vs. the Raiders and Matt Cassel might return for the Chiefs to take on the Rams. Both of these things do not instill a lot of confidence with The People, but unfortunately other options at WR aren't very good this week. Hines Ward and Chad Ochocinco have tough match-ups against the Jets and Browns, and Minnesota is down to their third-string quarterback so Sidney Rice isn't likely to do much.

We're expecting to see Renal Failure in the championship game again, much to Rambler's dismay. But being eliminated from championship contention will allow the Unfinished One to pursue other things in his quest for completion. And since we're the ones who will alleviate him of his Fantasy Football burden, we'll give him a suggestion...




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Renal Failure will probably lose to Rambler in the FTWL league that LOBO runs, but that league doesn't have its own blog on which to talk enormous amounts of smack so we don't feel as bad if we get beat over there.

Tuesday Afternoon QB: Where I exact my revenge on La Machine and get ready to do the same on Renal Failure next week

As promised a little while ago, I would exact my revenge on Chris Cameron and his La Machine team and so I have as this past weekend, I defeated them 93-86. Admittedly, it wasn't as good as the 138-63 thrashing he put on me back in Week 5. But a win is still a win...and while I'll be playing in the first round of the playoffs next week, Chris will be watching from the sidelines.

Admittedly, though, the view from the sidelines anymore isn't that bad when you have female reporters like this:

or this:

*******

Chris and I both had five players in double figures, but the difference was this guy:

Nope, not as pretty as the view from the sidelines, but still a thing of beauty to behold when he's on his game as he was this past Sunday.

Branch amassed 26 fantasy points as he had eight receptions for a career-high 151 yards, including a 59-yard strike at the end of the first half in a 36-7 dismantling of the Bears.

Chris had no players who hit the 20-point mark, although LeSean "Shady" McCoy came close with 19 points as he had 149 yards on 16 carries, but no touchdowns thankfully.

******

In the first round of the playoffs, in both this league and another league, the FTWL started by LOBO of Predator Press, I face the same opponent: Renal Failure. Like Chris, RF already has beaten me once in week 9 but by a much closer margin of 132-112. So once again, I will be out to exact my revenge.

Vengeance will be sweet like this:

Next week the back of the shirt will read "Unfinished Fucking Ramblers"!

Tuesday Afternoon QB: Bill Fucking Belichick

Earlier this year, I called out Houston Texans head coach Gary Kubiak when he benched Arian Foster for the first half of a game, depriving me of points I could have had and making my life a living hell. Now I have to call out Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, once again for depriving me of points I could have had...well, in a way, at least the way I see it...and making my life a living hell once again.

photo courtesy of Keith Allison on Flickr

Yeah, Bill Fucking Belichick.

Because I never know whom he's going to use from week to week on offense, I benched three of his players, wide receiver Deion Branch, running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis (aka "The Law Firm") and tight end Aaron Hernandez in favor of Rams wide receiver Danario Alexander, Chiefs running back Thomas Jones and Jets tight end Dustin Keller. Collectively, Belichick's three players outscored my team by three times as many points, 42-14. If I had played Belichick's trio, I would have won 122-115 over Bald Spots. As it was, I lost 115-101.

As usual, though, I would like to thank Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers (35 points) and Houston running back Arian Foster (22) for showing up to make the score look a little more respectable than it could have been. Thank you, gentlemen, I appreciate your support. Keep up the good work.

Surprisingly, even with the loss, no thanks to Bill Fucking Belichick, I did clinch a playoff spot this week and while next week's game against HBFFL founder Chris Cameron doesn't mean anything, that still doesn't mean I still don't want to kick his ass. After all, dude did write about a big play a couple of weeks ago that my team made when I should have been the one to write about it. As I said then, I will exact my revenge...

Cameron, I'm coming to get you!

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I celebrate a Pyrhhic victory

This past weekend I defeated Don's Eunuchs 110-72, but it was a Pyrrhic victory in a way as the more important news for my team for the weekend was the loss of the second part of my one-two punch at running back:

Photo courtesy of xoque on Flickr
No. 21 won't be celebrating any more TDs this season with a hip bump.

While I shouldn't speak too quickly --but I will, because that's the way I roll-- at least, for now, I have the one part of that punch at running back:



and half a punch in this RB:



Are you scared, Bald Spots?

I know I am.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I prefer a moving target

It's hard to write about a game where your opponent doesn't show up as this past weekend I won 119-53 over Static's Team Krapsody who had three players who didn't show up (two were out of the game and one just wasn't "in the game"). It doesn't make a great target.

photo by cliff1066™ on Flickr

Personally, I like a moving target.



Or then again (shuddering at Milli Vanilli's cousin here) maybe not.

Unfortunately, next week I don't get a moving target either as The Ramblers face The Eunuchs, who still have Tony Romo at QB. The last two weeks of the regular season, though, I face Bald Spots and La Machine. At least, they ought to make it interesting.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I beat a girl a second time this year

So what's it feel like to beat a girl twice in one year in fantasy football?



Yep. Like that, especially when this second time was just barely an escape by my Ramblers with a 119-109 win over Bex's Battling Butterflies.

Each of us had five players in double figures: she with Mike Wallace, Carson Palmer, DeSean Jackson, Marion Manningham and the Philadelphia Eagles defense; me with David Garrard, Mike Thomas, Frank Gore, Arian Foster and Dan Carpenter.

However, the key combo was David Garrard and Mike Thomas, with Garrard connecting up on a 50-yard Hail Mary pass to Thomas as time wound down and the Jaguars escaped the Texans 31-24. Garrard finished with 37 fantasy points; Thomas, 26. In contrast, her top two scorers were Mike Wallace with 30; Carson Palmer, 26. End of story.

I would write more about that amazing combo with Garrard and Thomas, but our league commissioner, Chris Cameron, already did here: The 30 Point Hail Mary Play.

photo courtesy of soozums on Flickr

For that, this Chris Cameron character will play. Unfortunately, I have to wait until Week 14 to exact my revenge and have to wade through Krap, Eunuchs and Bald Spots before I can do that.

But I will have my revenge...




And yes, it will sound just as ugly as that.

Defeated by the trades you didn't make

by Renal Failure


Rambler was popping all that good shit last week...

Last year, Renal Failure made a trade with Unfinished Rambler that sent Stephen Jackson, Chad Ochocinco, and Derrick Ward to the People's Champion while Rambler got Steve Slaton, Jerricho Cotchery, and Tim Hightower. That week Renal Failure and the Ramblers played each other and Renal Failure won by exactly the amount of points that SJax scored over fumbling machine Steve Slaton that week (25 to zero).

Last week, Renal Failure was in a trading mood and offered Peyton Hillis and Dwayne Bowe to The Ramblers in exchange for Arian Foster (who the Texans drafted to replace Slaton) and some other player whose name escapes us. Rambler was tempted but ultimately declined the offer. Some say that it's because Rambler is all about Arian Foster complementing Frank Gore as one of the best 1-2 running back punches in the HBFFL. Others say (okay, it's us) that it's because Rambler didn't want to have a replay of the last year's trade with the People's Champion.


Representation of Rambler's imagined paranoia of dealing with Renal Failure...

How did it work out? Well, Arian Foster threw a bear into orbit with a 36-point day vs. San Diego, but Peyton Hillis threw his bear a little deeper into the cold abyss of space with 38 points against the Patriots. And Chris Johnson for Renal Failure and Frank Gore for the Ramblers were out on bye weeks so neither team could attack with the other half of their vaunted RB combos.

Advantage: Renal Failure +2 points

Dwayne Bowe outscored both of Rambler's WR's by himself, getting 12 points compared to newly-acquired Patrick Crayton's 7pts (the second time a team has picked him up just to play against us) and Steve Breaston's 2pts. Not that Rambler had much of a choice in the matter regarding his receivers. Santana Moss was on a bye, Marques Colston had a meager 6pts, and the highest scoring receiver on the Rambler roster Austin Collie left the game against Philly with a concussion and no points. Rambler told me that if he had Bowe he would have started him over Breaston. With Bowe out of the line-up Renal Failure would have started Hines Ward who only scored 7 points vs. the Bengals because Brandon Lloyd was on a bye week

Advantage: Renal Failure +3 points (Bowe's 12 - Ward/Breaston 9)


Our faith in Blast Hardcheese has been duly rewarded...

Moving onto the Flex spot, it should be noted that the People's Champ pulled off a bold move late on Sunday after learning feared Raiders CB Nnamdi Asomugha would be inactive. We switched out Hines Ward from the starting line-up, put Dwayne Bowe in the WR slot, and added Brandon Jackson of the Packers in the Flex spot. Now after Ryan Grant went down for the season in Week One, Rambler picked up Brandon Jackson from the free agent pool but later released him. The People then picked up BJax and he paid immediate dividends against the Cowboys with a big 18-point Sunday night while Ramblers' only viable flex option Thomas Jones had a disappointing three points vs. the Raiders.

Advantage: Renal Failure +15 points.

So through Rambler's inaction and actions, he provided a total of 20 points to the People's Champion. And the final score? 132-112. A Renal Failure margin of victory of exactly 20 points. IT HAPPENED AGAIN!


Rambler ate something that didn't agree with him...

There were some problems in the People's glorious victory to keep their season alive. QB Tom Brady barely exceeded his projected 22 points with a 23-point game against the Browns, continuing his streak of not putting a bear into outer space, which greatly distresses us because Tom Brady invented throwing bears into outer space (Matt Stafford ended his season on the People's Bench with an inexplicable 31 points and a separated shoulder, and recently-traded away Eli Manning had 32pts for La Machine). Also, Brady's two TD passes were to Aaron Hernandez who Rambler was starting at tight end, which wasn't very helpful either. Rambler can at least be glad about his TE production, especially compared to Jason Witten's four points (Brandon Pettigrew had 7pts on the People's Bench). Also Rambler dominated the QB slot with Aaron Rodgers scoring more points in one half vs. the Cowboys than Tom Brady had all day (24-23), and finishing with 36 overall even with sitting out most of the 4th quarter, but it wasn't enough.

Still... if only Rambler got to play an absentee team like Joe did vs. The Eunuchs or LOBO did vs. Team Krapsody or Chris did vs. The Battling Butterflies he would have won handily. Hell, he would have won against any other HBFFL team this week. But alas, Rambler met a resurgent and reloaded Renal Failure squad who put up their highest scoring game of the year even with their leading running back and wide receiver out on bye weeks. And we have one person to thank for that...


Ines Sainz brings victory, glory, and tight denim to the People...

So now Renal Failure sits at 4-5 after their first go-round with every team in the league, leaving five more games to go in the HBFFL regular season, which are five more games Renal Failure needs to win to make the playoffs. Next week they play Team Krapsody. We might bother to do a preview of that game later in the week even if Static doesn't bother to update his lineup for Week 10.


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure watched the entire Green Bay/Dallas game to see if the final gun was going to be Wade Phillips pulling a Budd Dwyer before Jerry Jones could fire him.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I've got the teeth of the Hydra upon me

I'm trying hard to find the humor in this past weekend's 132-112 loss to Renal Failure, but so far I'm not finding it. I've already written two posts that analyzed the loss from the trade perspective (I could have made a trade with RF last week for Dwayne Bowe and Peyton Hillis, which would have helped me, but I didn't, because I didn't want to give up Arian Foster, yadda yadda) and from the wrong player perspective (I picked up Patrick Crayton instead of Seyi Ajirotutu who went off on Sunday).

My thoughts exactly.

I then thought of referring to the Hydra since RF referred to the nine-headed creature last year after he and I made a trade in which he got the better end of the deal (um, Stephen Jackson, I gave him up for anyone, not smart at all). Only problem is he only had six players (including the New Orleans defense) in double digits and not nine, although all of the photos I found online of the Hydra had more or less than nine heads:


Plus Hercules defeated the Hydra and neither I nor my team definitely didn't play the part of Hercules this past weekend.

However, one of the reasons I liked the idea of using the reference to the Hydra was that it gave me an excuse to use this song:



Well, if I'm not going to be funny, I might as well rock. Here's another one from T-Rex, just for gits and shiggles, as my wife sometimes says:




Photos courtesy of Hilary Quinn, Bob Swain

Week 9: Renal Failure vs. The Ramblers

by Renal Failure


This is what happens when you think you can take Renal Failure lightly...

The 3-5 People's Champions known as Renal Failure look to get back into the playoff race against the 6-2 Ramblers, and the People's chances are pretty good considering the number of players out on a bye week.

Chris Johnson and Brandon Lloyd are out on byes for Renal Failure, and Rambler is missing Frank Gore and Santana Moss. So now the game comes down to a question of position depth, and we believe the People's Champ through their tireless planning efforts has the Unfinished One beat there.


We declare Inez Sainz to be our Fantasy Football good luck charm, seeing how we won last week after putting this picture in our preview post vs. Bex.

Rambler's WR corps is suspect. Marques Colston is unreliable because of how many targets Drew Brees has in throwing the ball. Steve Breaston's success rests in the hands of Derek Andersen or Max Hall. Austin Collie might return this week after a thumb injury, but does Rambler really want to depend on a receiver with a bad thumb?

Rambler still has Arian Foster throwing bears into space, but with Frank Gore out he's hoping Thomas Jones can vulture some good numbers vs. Oakland when Jamaal Charles needs a breather. And Rambler's not going to get 22 points from his kicker again either.


We put our faith in Thick McRunFast.

The People replace Chris Johnson with the newly-acquired Peyton Hillis, who has been a damn machine for the Browns this season. And whereas the Ramblers are soft at WR, the People's Champion is deep, even with Brandon Lloyd on a bye. Hines Ward, Dwayne Bowe, and Tampa Bay's Mike Williams are genuine threats to put up big numbers, thus continuing Renal Failure's boldness campaign by starting three receivers.

Thus this week's matchup (projected by Yahoo to go 92-88 in Rambler's favor) is probably going to come down to the quarterbacks. Aaron Rodgers has been struggling of late but he's got the hapless Cowboys this week. Tom Brady hasn't been setting the world on fire as of late either, but he's throwing the rock on the Browns.

Sure, this is Rambler's revenge game on Renal Failure from last season, but he won't get it this time around. The People's Champ has too much to play for, and the league just wouldn't be as interesting without Renal Failure contending for a playoff spot. It's a fact. So everyone stand aside while Renal Failure runs the table.


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You want Renal Failure on that wall! You need Renal Failure on that wall!

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I should be happy that I defeated Lobo but I'm not because I also lost to Lobo

I know the title of this post is like, "Whaaaa?"

But it's like this, here in the HBFFL, my team defeated Lobo's Predator Press team, 95-47, while in the FTWL (Lobo's upstart league), my team lost to Lobo's Al Dente Infernos team 89-73.

Why I lost over there came down to one simple fact:



I didn't have the balls to play Kyle Orton over Aaron ("Always Play Your Studs") Rodgers. Orton had 30 fantasy points; Rodgers, 8.

Why I won over here came down to one player who was able to kick the balls of the Cincinnati Bengals:



His name: Dan Carpenter. Kicker for the Miami Dolphins and he came up with a whopping 17 fantasy points as he went 5-for-5 on field goal attempts. Yes, Arian Foster and Frank Gore came through as usual, but without Carpenter's 17 points too, I wouldn't have been able to defeat Lobo -- at least once this week.

Thanks, Dan, for not making this week a complete loss.

Now on to next week, where I'll be playing Renal Failure without Gore and would have been playing him without Foster too if I had accepted a trade offer from him. G-U-L-L-I-B-L-E. Yep, I know how to spell it still, RF, and I'm not buying it.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I can't shake the Texas monkey for trying

Two weeks ago, I had the Glen Campbell song "Galveston" stuck in my head. Then last week my Yankees lost to the Texas Rangers in the American League Championship Series. Sunday like much of the country, I was caught up with the news of tornadoes tearing through East Texas.

So it seems only apropos that this week's fantasy football game between my Ramblers and Joe's Bourbon Blasters, who is from where else but Texas, would be settled in Texas.

Entering Monday night's game, the Ramblers led the Bourbon Blasters, 98-90 with each of us having a Cowboy on our roster: Joe, Miles Austin; I, Felix Jones. In the end, to paraphrase the Linkin Park song of the same name, it didn't really matter as neither player was able to make a significant impact one way or the other on our game or the game thanks to Tony Romo leaving the game with a broken left collarbone. Austin scored three fantasy points; Jones, five and I won 103-93 as the Cowboys lost 41-35.

In the end, what mattered was that I finally was able to get this Texas monkey off my back, and next week should be a Texas free week...

...or will it be? Wait a minute, I have this guy from the Houston Texans coming back from his bye week:


Damn you, Arian Foster. Damn you.

Well, seeing as I have Foster on not only my team here, but also on my team in the other league in which I participate, and I have no plans on getting rid of him in either place, I better just embrace the Texas monkey. Take it away, Ronnie...

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I post on a Monday thanks to Canada

Mainly, blame Canucklehead.

Due to his team being unable to put up a fight this weekend, I am able to post this edition of Tuesday Morning QB a day early. I lead 107-59 as of this morning and all he has left is a kicker, Rob Bironas of the Tennessee Titans, to play, so I'm pretty safe in assuming I have this one in the bag.

But also give credit to the key players on my team for showing up: Aaron Rodgers, 33 fantasy points; Arian Foster, 21; Frank Gore, 19; and Minnesota defense, 10.

And my bench players, especially Thomas Jones who robbed some of the glory of Canuckehead's running back, Jamaal Charles. Jones ended up with 22 fantasy points; Charles, a mere 11.

So really what I'm saying is give credit to me and me. I chose to play the players I did, including those on the bench, and I still won.

I think, though, in the end, why I won is my groovy Yahoo avatar


hypnotized Canucklehead's bland Yahoo avatar


into keeping Green Bay Packers tight end Jermichael Finley in the lineup even though he was injured.

Next up: Joe's Bourbon Blasters, who will be playing without Dallas Clark!

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I coulda been a contender

I coulda been a contender.

It's true. I coulda been another Billy Conn.

However, Chris Cameron decided it wasn't my night and all I got was a one-way ticket to Palooka-ville.

To wit, according to Yahoo projections, I was supposed to win 109-86 over Chris's La Machine, on the backs of Aaron Rodgers, Arian Foster and Frank Gore, but then Chris along with Ray Rice, Cedric Benson, Terrell Owens and Roddy White said, "This ain't your weekend."

Mainly, it was Arian Foster who took the dive, amassing only 2 fantasy points when he was supposed to have had 24. The only card I could have dealt differently was Santana Moss, who had 16 fantasy points, but even then I would have lost to Rice's 32, Benson's 22 and Owens and White's 21 apiece.

I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Chris...

...and those four goons you had.

La Machine and The Ramblers meet again Week 14 where already The Ramblers are projected to take a 111-79 win.

While I take nothing for granted, next time we'll come out swinging.


Yeah, it will be like that.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where simple math equates to a win

Basically my 105-57 win this week over Bryan's Bald Spots was simple math.

photo courtesy of Chad Davis on Flickr

PLUS

MINUS

photo courtesy of xoque on Flickr

EQUALS

Or Rodger's 29 + Foster's 35 = More than all the fantasy points put together by Bald Spots' entire roster with ADP on a bye week. When we face each other in Week 13, ADP will be back and is projected by Yahoo! to put up 27 points against Buffalo. I'm thinking the result might be the same, but with a different team owner writing this post, and I'll be the one singing this song:

Gary Fucking Kubiak

Photo courtesy of Brit via Flickr

Yep, today this man has made my life a living hell by not allowing his quarterback Matt Schaub feed the ball to MY running back, Arian Foster. Instead Schaub gave it to NOBODY'S Derrick Fucking Ward, who scored a touchdown for the Texans.

After the first half, MY man Arian Foster has 1 measly fantasy point.

Author's Note: Around the time I was scheduling this post, Foster did receive his first carry of the day -- in the second half and did score a touchdown. I might tone it back to Gary Freaking Kubiak at this point and say he's at least made my life a living heck.

Addendum: As of early in the fourth quarter, Foster has 102 rushing yards, 1 rushing touchdown, 3 receptions for 56 yards and a receiving touchdown...for a whopping 32 fantasy points thus far. Thank you, Gary My Main Fucking Man, I Love You Kubiak.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where the North wins again

Last week I didn't play the race card after losing 102-90 to Static's Team Krapsody even though he is black or at least his avatar is, but the previous week I did play the misogynist card after winning 72-51 over Bex's Butterflies since Bex ostensibly is a woman or at least plays one online.

So by virtue of that logic, that means this week I can play the North vs. South card after winning 117-102 over Red Raider's Eunuchs since Red Raider claims to be from Mississippi, and so I will.


To wit:

• Exhibit A: Five of my eight players, including my defense, this week were from teams from the North, meanwhile, only four of Red Raider's eight players, were from the South, meaning he was split half and half between North and South.
  
• Exhibit B: Ten of the 16 players on his roster are from teams from the North. Twelve of the 16 players on my roster, meanwhile, are from teams from the South, and I'm thinking of kicking two of those no good Johnny Rebs back to the swamp.

Bottom line: I didn't, and obviously don't, doubt my northern roots whereas he did, and obviously does, doubt his southern roots.


Maybe in the future, Red Raider will learn to keep his head...



For next week's Tuesday Morning QB, I'll go back to being politically correct and not mock anyone based on ethnicity, gender or region as I face Bald Spots. I'm pretty confident I'll still be able to mock, though, as his stud running back, Adrian Peterson, will be on the bench. I just haven't picked the angle from which I'm going to mock yet.

I'm sooooo screwed!

You know it's going to be a bad day when the guy you picked is running in reverse.

Author's Note: Luckily, this was in my other league. In this league, I played Marques Colston who so far has 2 receiving yards. Lance Moore, are you kidding me?

Braylon Edwards Arrested: Unfinished Rambler Validated In Not Accepting Trade

Braylon Edwards
Photo courtesy of Benjamin Chodroff on Flickr

This post earlier this afternoon from Lobo reminded me of how I could have almost got played last week.

After I picked up Brandon Jackson, I received a couple of trade offers from the Ryan Grant owner, Renal Failure. The first was for that playa pictured above and mentioned in Lobo's post.

I'm not sure what my exact thoughts were in rejecting the trade, but I think it was something along these lines:

Get that shit out of here. Are you kidding me?

Now with Edwards' arrest and what should be a suspension, I am validated in my initial decision.

Now I just have to hope that one of the playas on the defense RF tried to trade me (a defense for Jackson? why didn't you just try to trade me a tight end? I mean, come on) can get arrested so I can feel doubly validated.

Photo courtesy of Keith Allison on Flickr

I know. Good luck with that, huh?

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I didn't get to play the race card against Static's Team Krapsody since I lost

After attacking the gender of my opponent, Bex, in last week's Tuesday Morning QB post, I said I wouldn't go after the ethnicity of this week's opponent, Static, in today's Tuesday Morning QB post. That doesn't mean that before the outcome, I didn't think long and hard about playing the race card in this week's post, because I did. How could I not think about playing the race card when my opponent's avatar is this:

The possibilities were endless.

However, after comparing our rosters, I counted six individual white players on his team to four individual white players on my team, so I quickly dropped that idea. And when it came down to whom we each played, we actually were even steven in the race department: two white guys in Aaron Rodgers and Brent Celek for me to two white guys in Joe Flacco and Garrett Hartley for Static.

So so much for playing the race card...

...plus it would have worked only if I had won, which by virtue of losing 102-90, I didn't...well...win. There's no fun in making fun of a black guy who wins, unless you're a member of the Tea Party.

In the end, the game between Static and me came down to a pure numbers game.

Even if I had played Austin Collie instead of Steve Breaston and Arian Foster instead of Brandon Jackson, I only would have gained 10 points and still lost.

Hey, I'm just calling a spade a spade. You know what I'm saying?

It would seem like each week's of Tuesday Morning QB just gets riper and riper for the comic possibilities. First, I faced Bex's Battling Butterflies, a too-cute name for a team and a woman team owner to boot, then this week Static's Team Krapsody, which seemed too good a name to be true in terms of mockery and a black team owner to boot. Unfortunately, not everything as it seems. Next week I face Red Raider's Eunuchs. However, it might be more difficult than it seems since I'm not sure how to kick an opponent in the balls when he doesn't have any. I might just have to kick his ass.