Friday, December 4, 2009
Week 13 Review: Renal Failure vs. Team Duckgirl and everyone else in the playoff race
Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy support our decision to start Jeremy Maclin...
It may seem Renal Failure has nothing to play for this week, but they do. A 12th regular season victory would give the People's Champion the HBFFL record for wins in a regular season. Blocking the People's Path this week is Team Duckgirl returning for a second go-round to avenge her 106-58 loss in Week 4, as well as fight for her playoff life. For at 5-7, Duckgirl can't afford to lose, and even if she does win out her destiny is still not completely in her own hands. But more on that later...
Duckgirl (aka The Looks) fields a more dangerous lineup for Week 13 than she did in Week 4. Tony Romo has learned how to throw the ball, Frank Gore is back from injury, DeAngelo Williams is not on a bye week, and she still has her own hyphenated big-point player in WR Mike Sims-Walker, also a Jaguar like Renal Failure's Maurice Jones-Drew. That's a lot of firepower.
But Renal Failure, aka The Wild Card (bitches!), has Philip Rivers throwing against Cleveland, Chad Ochocinco catching against Detroit, Stephen Jackson running against an increasingly pourous Chicago, and Jones-Drew doing everything vs. Houston. These fine matchups have a decent chance of getting us Win Number 12.
Now to the complicated part... even if Duckgirl beats the People's Champion and Bald Spots to finish at 7-7, she still needs a lot of help because she is the longest of the long shots here. It's complicated, but we think we've worked it all out.
So Duckgirl wasn't in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois?
Stipulate that Team Duckgirl finishes the season 7-7.
What the Canuck? not only has to lose both their games but has to finish with less points than Duckgirl (and Canuck's currently up 86 points on her). Duckgirl also needs the Ramblers to lose both their games, or go 1-1 and squander the 106 point tiebreaker lead they have on her in those two games (and because the Ramblers play La Machine and Predator Press in the last two weeks, Machine and PredPress will clinch playoff berths in this scenario). And to make things even harder, Defending Champions and Prestige Worldwide have to lose once because they are way ahead of Duckgirl on points as well (193 for DefChamps, 93 for Prestige).
If all those things happen, if all the right stars align in the sky, Duckgirl will be the 4th seed in the playoffs and be scheduled to play Renal Failure yet again. The shitstorm never ends, does it?
The People know and are moved by Duckgirl's plight - they were there last season, scrapping to get into the playoffs while at the mercy of the actions of other teams - which is why the People call on their Champion, Renal Failure, to be merciful and spare Duckgirl the agony of hope by utterly crushing her this week.
"No, ma. I beat her in Week 4, she's my responsibility..."
And just because destroying one team's playoff hopes isn't fun enough, What the Canuck? could find himself in peril if he loses this week to Defending Champions, for the Ducky draws Renal Failure in Week 14. The People's Champion could drop Canuck down to 7-7 and right into tie-breaker hell, depending if Defending Champions or Prestige Worldwide win out. DefChamps have a 107-point edge in the tiebreaker on Canuck and 100 points on Prestige. Prestige only has seven points on Canuck.
Clinching the number one seed early, possibly ruining the playoff hopes of two teams... it's an early Kwanzaa for the People this year!
Contrary to popular belief, Kwanzaa is not black Hanukkah.
Oh, and for Rambler who thinks we're entering a word of pain if we meet again, we present this for his consideration...
You're out of your element, Rambler! And we peed on your rug!
But back to the present... Yahoo! has Renal Failure projected to win 103-94 over Duckgirl. If Duckgirl's going to beat us, she'd better put up like 200 points because she's going to need it when tiebreaker time comes.
---Renal Failure shot Sonny on the causeway, and Marvin in the face.