Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The People's Week 8: Dominate, son!

by Renal Failure

We would have gotten 174 if we started Denard Robinson instead of Bishop Sankey...

Cranberry Sauce learned the hard way that when Renal Failure gets going, things get real ugly for opponents. This we see in the People's 163-103 victory in Week 8 - our highest point total and margin of victory this season. Jeremy Maclin led the way with 37pts, followed by Drew Brees' 34.  We got a semi-unexpected boost from the Miami defense putting up 27 vs. the Jaguars, semi in that we expected a big day vs. the woeful Jags but not a bear in outer space day.  Even Jason Witten got it going with a 13-point day, most of that courtesy of a TD pass from Brandon Weedon.  Billy Cundiff remains Billy Cundiff, kicking 12 points on the day to keep us within a game of 4th place (held by Troi's Future Ex-Cons).

An 80-yard TD will certainly pep up your Fantasy point total.

Note: Apparently Larry Fitzgerald heard us talk smack about his effectiveness and got mad because he put up 29 points whilst sitting on our bench.  This isn't as egregious, however, as Future Ex-Cons leaving Tom Brady's 44 points on the bench, or the Patriots leaving Ben Roethlisberger's 55 points on the bench (and despite leaving all those points on our benches, all three of us won our games).

Cranberry Sauce kept pace with Matt Stafford (29pts), Jamaal Charles (23pts), Antonio Gates (17pts), Alshon Jeffrey (11pts ) and the Seattle D (10pts) but that was it for the Sauce. Jordy Nelson came up surprisingly small in the Packers game vs. the Bears (2pts), Shane Vereen was one of the few people not to get the ball much in that blowout win by the Pats (4pts), and Eric Decker... well, he plays for the Jets so, yeah (4pts).

There are a million running backs out there, but not all of them get into the end zone...

Alfred Morris hit paydirt this week with a good 14-point day but Marshawn Lynch and Bishop Sankey failed to impress yet again.  Sankey's going to the bench for Denard Robinson in Week 9 vs. Bald Spots. We need a spark at the FLEX position and Robinson's been lighting it up recently.  We're not going with Bobby Rainey, despite Doug Martin's injury and general suckitude. Rainey's burned us before.

If you threw for 44pts earlier, you'd still
a member of our team instead of on Troi's bench

Bald Spots is depending on big days from Rob Gronkowski and Carson Palmer because the rest of that lineup doesn't put the fear of the God Steve Winwood in the People (oh, you didn't know about The God Steve Winwood? Listen to CVS Bangers and recognize, son). Maybe Andre Ellington helps out but that's about it.

As of Wednesday, Yahoo!'s giving us a huge 103-78 projected victory, but that's with Bald Spots having Antone Smith of the Falcon starting on his bye week.  The only other available RB on the Bald Spots roster is Donald Brown and he's only projected for 4pts, bringing the Yahoo! projected score to a still-sizable 103-82 lost for the Spots of Baldness.

Renal Failure is never seen drinking cappuccino in Italian restaurants with Oriental women...

Renal Failure finds themselves in the scarcely-populated middle of the pack in the HBFFL.  The top 3 teams (7-1 Patriots, 6-2 Mile High Club, and 6-2 DreamCrushers!) have all scored over 900 points and have had less than 800 points scored on them.  The bottom five teams are either 3-5 (Bald Spots and Meaty Clackers) or 2-6 (Bourbon Blasters, Predator Press, and Cranberry Sauce), have all scored under 800 points, and have had over 800 points scored on them (with Cranberry Sauce the only team to have over 900 points scored on them).

We just like this. And we like whispering it into
people's ears too. They find it rather haunting.
But the middle pack teams of Renal Failure and Future Ex-Cons are different.  RF at 4-4 has 857 points scored and 885 points against.  Future Ex-Cons (who are enjoying a 4-game winning streak) sits at 5-4 with 870 points scored and 780 scored against.  If things don't turn around quick for the bottom five teams (and if the top three teams don't collapse), we may only see a two-team race for that last playoff spot, much like last season which was the only time the HBFFL has seen three teams with 10 or more wins in a season.  Will 8 wins be the magic number to get in this year as it was for Delusions of Adequacy last year? Your People's Champ has made it in with 8 before, and going 4-2 the rest of the way is doable. Getting to 9 wins, the only guaranteed win total for the playoffs historically speaking, means going 5-1 — a more difficult task considering three of those games are against the aforementioned top three teams in the league. Stealing one win will be tough, let alone two.  Winning against all three?  We'll need to get a little liquored up to make such a boastful claim.

The hunt continues...

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of Fantasy Football. We also won big in the FTWL, dominating 157 to 48. Man, did that skew our Points For/Points Against numbers. We're in 4th place in the FTWL, where we are also looking to overtake Troi's team in the standings.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

The People's Week 7: Everyone does their best against us

by Renal Failure

When it rains, it keeps raining, and rains some more until there's nothing but the rain...

The People's Champ was busy this past week doing the People's Business so we're going to keep this brief, and overly terse because we lost.

Good news: We scored 94 points for the second week in a row
Bad news: Troi and his Future Ex-Cons scored 140, the highest total of the week and making this loss the biggest blowout of the week in the HBFFL.
Semi-Good News: Yahoo! says that three of our four losses have come against team's putting up the highest score that week, so if we're getting beat we're getting beat by the absolute best.

Good news: We were right about Demaryius Thomas mitigating the damage from Peyton Manning. Thomas has 36 points, Manning had 38.
Bad news: We were wrong about Marques Colston not getting many points from Drew Brees. Colston put up 16, Brees 31. Not that it would have mattered, but we like to be right.

Bad news: Marshawn Lynch and Alfred Morris duplicated their weak performance from last week.
Really bad news: Fred Jackson got injured and is out for at least a month
Really really bad news: Our handcuff for Fred Jackson, CJ Spiller, broke his collarbone and is out for the season.
Really really really bad news: LOBO snatched up Cody Parkey from waivers when we dropped him for his bye week.

Semi-good news: Despite the big numbers that the people we traded for Drew Brees Sammy Watkins, Chris Ivory, and Tom Brady put up on the Future Ex-Cons bench, we still would have lost if we had all three on our team for this week's game. By 3 points. So the trade is still a positive for us.
Bad news: Larry Fitzgerald has ceased to be a valuable WR.

How many assholes do we have left on this team? YO!

So our running back depth has gone to shit and our starting RB's are struggling, a complete reversal of the usual Renal Failure operating procedure. And while it's never a good time for your strengths to become your weakness, it's particularly inopportune when you're at the halfway mark of the season sitting at 3-4 in 5th place. 

Week 8 looks favorable to the people according to the bots at Yahoo!  Demaryius Thomas has already put up a solid 15 points on Thursday night to set the pace against our Week 8 foes Cranberry Sauce, and we get Jeremy Maclin back in the lineup too. Unfortunately for us 2-5 Cranberry Sauce has gotten 17 points from Antonio Gates, which does not bode well for us considering TE has been very weak for the People's Champ. Still, Yahoo! projects we come out on top 111-104.

Cranberry Sauce might not know this, but the 2nd half of the season is usually where Renal Failure cranks it up several notches. We've turned disastrous starts into playoff runs, and even a championship. So do not be alarmed if Renal Failure starts dominating in these late-in-the-season games because it's what we're famous for around these parts, especially since we've clear most of our bye weeks for our starters.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion, and also got hammered in the FTWL  in Week 7 too.  We're in 5th place there so it appears that no matter what decisions we make, we're a middle of the pack squad so far in 2014.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Week 7: You Football Like a Girl

LOBO -Predator Press

There are five stages of grief the millions and millions of Predator Press fans should be expecting this weekend:

1) Denial: "No, I did not just see our beloved Preds get squished through a fine mesh diamond-edged screen into a pool of lava."

2) Anger: "Fuck 'fine mesh diamond-edged screen.' How did she get lava!?!"

C) Bargaining: "She's a chick, right? Chicks make dumb decisions sometimes, like to get 'tramp stamps' and to have 'emotions.' I mean look what's happened since we let them drive and vote. Ebola!"

37) Depression: "Maybe if I wept openly, she wouldn't have doubled LOBO's score."

π) Acceptance:  "See ya in Week 16.

-and with an all new kicker.


Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The People's Week 6: The Bourbon Went Dry

by Renal Failure

Sometimes your opponent beats themselves...

Not a good Week Six for the People's Champ Renal Failure, but good enough to pull out a slim 94-87 victory over HBFFL veteran Joe O. and his Bourbon Blasters.  Our victory came mainly from the arm of Jay Cutler (31pts), the hands of Demaryius Thomas (23pts) and from Joe's lineup choking at the most inopportune time.

The only person who had a worse week than the Blasters
 The Blasters were down 8 points going into the Monday night game.  All of Renal Failure's squad had played and Joe had Frank Gore and Brian Quick (traded to Joe by us) left to play.  The People won't lie, they pretty much believed their Champion was fucked six ways to next Thursday night's game.  However, Quick got smothered and put up a goose-egg and Gore was barely able to muster a single point in the Niners victory over the Rams. Andre Williams, Joe's big waiver wire addition this week, did not come through as expected with only 5pts in that debacle vs. the Eagles. Percy Harvin probably was better off not even playing this week (0pts). Andre Johnson languished on the Blaster's bench with 14-we-would-have-won points.

This covered up a horrendous day from the Renal Failure starters. Jeremy Maclin was about the only Eagles to not have a good game against the Giants on Sunday night (1pt). Beast Mode and Alfred Morris put up backup RB numbers (6 and 5 respectively) and were outscored by Fred Jackson and God's placekicker Cody Parkey (9pts a piece). 

Half your lineup not scoring can come out of nowhere and push your losing streak to four straight games too...

The People improve to 3-3 on the season, hanging on to 4th place just above our opponent for Week 7, the 3-3 Future Ex-Cons.  The two-time defending HBFFL champs kept pace with a victory of Cranberry Sauce, sending the Sauce into a 5-team pileup of 2-4 teams. Troi's looking to springboard into the 4th all by himself with a victory over Renal Failure, but that may be trickier than he thinks.

The Eagles are on a bye week, so no Maclin, no Zach Ertz, and even more important no Cody Parkey.  Luckily, that trade with Troi earlier in the season brought us Larry Fitzgerald who is starting to get his motor running (and it helps that he's playing against the Raiders this week).  Jason Witten's getting back to being a regular target for Tony Romo, so we're cool on the TE side.  That leaves the kicker position, and we're bringing the man, the myth, the legend... BILLY CUNDIFF!

You can't handle Billy Cundiff's sweet moves!
The People think it's actually a pretty sweet move considering the Cleveland Browns offense has been humming with Brian Hoyer at the helm.  They put up 31 against the Steelers and they're playing the Jaguars this week. A lot of points could be hitting the board in that game for Cleveland.

Troi still has Peyton Manning slinging the pigskin, but if he's throwing mostly to Demaryius Thomas it's not going to Troi much good.  The converse could be said regarding our Drew Brees and his Marques Colston until you remember that Brees throws to the ball to every eligible receiver for the Saints.  Better look to Golden Tate going big in the absence of a healthy Megatron, and for DeSean Jackson to get a 60-yard TD.  And are you going to take Justin Forsett and Ahmad Bradshaw over the Marshawn Lynch and Alfred Morris, especially with Beast Mode and Morris coming off bad performances the week before?

Brees has a tough matchup vs. Detroit, but he throws the ball all day so he'll get his points. Beast Mode is going to be a beast vs. the Rams.  Alfred Morris can certainly run against the JV team called the Tennessee Titans.  Even Fred Jackson has a very favorable matchup against the Vikings (are they even trying anymore?) 

We're bringing hot fire to Week 7, and random nudity too!

Yahoo!'s giving the early projected edge to Renal Failure 113 to 99. Much of our score is coming from 21 projected points to Demaryius Thomas, which seems a bit high until you realize Peyton Manning is projected for 33 on Troi's side.  The People like their chances of Renal Failure hitting the 113 mark and higher in Week Seven. 

Standing at 4-3 in either 4th or 3rd place (if Mile High Club loses to The DreamCrushers!) at the halfway point in the season would be an excellent position for Renal Failure to be in.  Most of our main talent would be done with their bye weeks and we like our depth if the injury bug bites us. But we have to win Week 7 first.  Being 3-4 at the halfway point isn't a death sentence — we've certainly come back from worse predicaments — but it won't be easy. 

Renal Failure is the People's Champion and the 2010 HBFFL and FTWL champion.  Joe got his vengeance by beating us in the FTWL by a score of 138-113. Yahoo! enjoyed our effort and gave us a B+ in the recap, which is better than the C we got for our HBFFL win, which tells us that winning your game has no effect on your Yahoo! computerized recap grade.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Week 6: Shit Just Got Real - Behold Brandon McMananicus!

Even his condoms are frightening.
LOBO -Predator Press

Still smarting from the asswhipping Renal Failure aka "The People's Champion" delivered upon our beloved Preds in Week 5, I am driven to only one conclusion: "The People" are just plain dumb as a box of hammers.  But our league commissioner, doubtlessly feeling the pressure of mass public outcry by now, will have stepped down by Week 14 ... and that is when Renal Failure and "The People" will receive the swift, lethal payback of my all-kicker team.  And hopefully Ebola.

McMananicus will have little time to
recover from some minor cybernetic
tweaks and mandatory
performance-enhancing, eh,
"herbal suppliments." 
Leading the charge to find Renal Failure's ass -and follow the subsequent orders to kick it- will be Brandon McMananicus, who will be flexing his mighty big toe of glory on Bald Spots' slippery scalp in Week 6.

Once we work out some hydraulic issues and figure out how Brandon McMananicus can carry fifty three more laser pointers, we, the Preds, are a mere two oil changes from this year's HBFFL Championship.

Once, at tryouts, Kurt Cousins fired a touchdown pass square into my belly.  Despite fumbling bravely, I immediately went to the hospital.  I hate Kurt Cousins.  Why does he have to throw so hard?

PS: Does anyone know where I can get anthrax?  And postage stamps and envelopes?  And everyone in this league's addresses? And the instructions for this HAZMAT suit?

Thursday, October 9, 2014

The People's Week 5: Breaking the Streak

by Renal Failure

What a delicious beating...

Dear People's Champion of Fantasy Football Renal Failure,

Please accept our apologize for Demaryius Thomas not scoring for shit in his first games of the season. To make up for this, he will score ALL THE POINTS in Week Five for you. Sorry for the miscommunication.

Peyton Manning.

P.S. - Please buy a Papa John's Pizza.

When you get 41 points from your WR, things are usually going swimmingly for you.  And that indeed was the case in Week 5 as Renal Failure scored a ultra-sweet 129-71 victory over Predator Press. Why "ultra-sweet?"  Because Renal Failure hadn't beaten Predator Press since the 2010 Humor Bowl.  Three full years of losses to Predator Press - regular season and playoffs.  No more of that noise.  REGULATORS, MOUNT UP!!!

We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese... and Marshawn Lynch crushing people to be the 2nd highest scoring RB in the league...

There were other bright spots for the People  other than Demaryius Thomas's 41-point Bear Leaving the Solar System.  Beast Mode went for 17 points. Jeremy Maclin continues catching TD's (13pts), and the San Diego D blanked the Jets for a 16-point day. Cody Parkey told LOBO's Mason Crosby to know his role and shut his mouth with a 10-point day (he's the #2 scoring kicker in the HBFFL).  Drew Brees managed 25 points, as did Jay Cutler, so that makes us feel a little better about Brees being on a bye in Week Six.

Cody Parkey drinks your milkshake, LOBO
Unfortunately there were underachievers in the lineup. Alfred Morris and Bishop Sankey only managed 2pts a piece, which greatly disappointed us because we thought this was finally Sankey's time to shine in the Titan's backfield.  Morris was running against the Seahawks so we're more charitable with him. Zach Ertz is not living up to the TE of the future label we gave him so he's going to take a backseat to Jason Witten, especially now that Dallas has figured out how to play football again.

LOBO can take solace that nothing he would have done in Week Five would have mattered, but Yahoo! gave him a D-grade in the recap. And he's not in good shape going forward with Jimmy Graham's bum shoulder and Rashard Jennings getting banged up vs Atlanta. At least you've got last place Bald Spots to kick around this week.

We consulted the Torah for our Week Six lineup, but all we got was a recipe for Gifilte Fish...

This is one of the rare seasons that our Week Six opponent Bourbon Blaster do not have Drew Brees in their lineup. Unfortunately we don't have him in our lineup either for Week Six because of the Saints bye week.  But Jay Cutler's been putting up Brees-like numbers so we're okay there. The problem comes in the form of some former members of the Renal Roster. We traded Brian Quick for Chris Ivory (who we parlayed for Brees) and Quick has proven to be a golden WR in garbage time for the Rams. Also we had released Ben Tate when he was injured and the Blasters snatched him up when he got healthy, and he's showing to be the main RB we thought he'd be when we originally drafted him.

Joe went to the waiver wire to get Andre Williams with Rashard Jennings down and the Giants playing the Eagles this week (who while having the highest scoring DEF/Special Teams in the HBFFL also give up an obscene amount of yards and points to the opposition).  Frank Gore's running on the hapless Rams so that looks problematic for the People.  Percy Harvin kept having touchdowns called back this past Monday so he should get the chance to wild against the Cowboys.

41 points later, he's the 8th ranked WR in the league
Despite all that, Yahoo! is giving the early edge to Renal Failure.  Demaryius Thomas should have another big day, this time vs. the Jets.  Fred Jackson is starting to catch fire and is playing a weak Patriots squad.  Maclin's going to get his, as usual, and especially in a game against a divisional rival. And Beast Mode is Beast Mode.

Winning this week would not only give us the pleasure of extending the Blasters' losing streak to four games, it would help us begin to break away from the logjam of six 2-3 teams.  Renal Failure's currently atop this morass in fourth because we've got more 6 more points than the Blasters. We'll see whether Week Six marks the point where we rise up toward the playoffs or sink deeper into the uncertain muck.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion and Wild Card (bitches!) of Fantasy Football. We also beat LOBO in the FTWL but not as savagely. We're also playing the Blasters in the FTWL, but Yahoo! likes their chances of winning way more there, but that's mainly because Peyton Manning is projected to put up 33 points vs. the Jets, which is somewhat reasonable.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Week 5: I Blame Chris

LOBO -Predator Press

Yes "Chris" -if in fact that is your real name- your cavalier Commissionations costed me Week 5.

Were I not hampered by your oppressive adjudicationing, I could have won last week.  But nay!  You have micromanagicked this league to the point that this entire season is questionable now, and I declare it utterly bereft of sportsmanshipitude. 

If not for your tyrannicalized reign of unjust "rules" and whatever, I would have deployed the following lineup:

QB - Phi DEF, 24 points
WR  - GB DEF, 21 points
WR - Car DEF, 19 points
RB - Stephen Gostkowski NE K, 19 points 
RB - Phil Dawson SF K, 18 points
TE - SD DEF, 16 points
W/R - NE DEF, 15 points
DEF - whoever was playing Tony Romo (points probably still being calculatronned)

That is like 500 points.  Chris, the evidence of your meddlutions in my season is clear to us all.  I will file numerous "Torts" and "Motions" to declare this entire season corruptified, and unfit for human consumption.

I will have my comeupperations!

And PS:


Friday, October 3, 2014

The Stinky Golden Toe of VICTORY!

LOBO -Predator Press

I am trying to imagine KHAN, the manager of the Future Ex-Cons, on Tuesday morning.  After a full day of torturing starving orphan kids -with impractical knowledge utterly devoid of shoplifting and insurance scams- he retires to the teacher's lounge for his powdered wig and bonbons.

The television on, he prepares to drink in his victory.  Four points behind Predator Press, he had the only player left Monday might: Stephen Gostkowski.  Some French guy.

And it is only then that he smells Mason Crosby's stinky golden toe of my victory.  Sure, some of those other guys on my team scored too, but, as any good fantasy football manager will tell you, seasons are won by drafting lots and lots of kickers and defenses early and often. Just ask Billy Cundiff about what happened the week Nate Kaeding, Mason Crosby, and the entire Cleveland Browns defense stuffed him in his locker and wrote "WARNING! COOTIES!" all over it.  I bet that poor bastard is still in therapy.

So I ask you "Renal Failure," if in fact that is your real name:

Can Cody Parkey save you in Week 5?


Wednesday, October 1, 2014

The People's Week 4: Everyone took a bye week

by Renal Failure

My quest to get to 2-2, foiled by bye-week treachery... DREAMCRUSHERS! YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW!

Your People's Champion Renal Failure had a bad Week 4.  We knew we had Marshawn Lynch and Demaryius Thomas on bye weeks, but what we didn't know is that everyone else on our team would take a bye week too. Not that it would have mattered because the Dreamcrushers! jumped on us, putting up 122 points to our meager 74.

Jeremy Maclin came back down to earth with 5pts. Michael Crabtree barely managed 4pts. Our decision to go Fred Jackson/CJ Spiller instead of Chris Ivory/Sammy Watkins wasn't that bad.  The Bills RB's put up 16 together, Ivory/Watkins 18.  We said no more Tom Brady and were rewarded sby Jay Cutler scoring 18 to Brady's anemic 8.  Alfred Morris's 14 points and the San Diego's DEF's 11pts were the only bright spots (even Cody Parkey took the week off with 3pts). 

Andrew Luck and Matt Forte threw bears into space (38 and 28 points respectively).  Keenan Allen's 18 and Kevlin Benjamin's 13 iced the day though Chris admittedly fucked up by not starting Steve Smith Sr. who had a absoludicrous 32 points against Carolina.  Good thing he was playing a team that had the scoring equivalent of mono this week (Yahoo! gave us a C- for the week, another pat on the head for not having a chance because even our bench sucked).

When you're 1-3, you gotta be ready to blow shit up...

Rust never sleeps, and Renal Failure is always looking to make moves. No one wheels and deals like the People's Champ.  Last week we traded for Chris Ivory.  Didn't play him, but that's okay because we packaged him with Sammy Watkins and Tom Brady in a deal to Troi and his 1-3 Future Ex-Cons for Drew Brees, Carlos Hyde, and Larry Fitzgerald.  Cutler's been putting up good numbers, but Drew Brees is a sure thing week in and week out.  He's going to get his points even when he's losing.

So now look at Renal Failure: Starting blue chip QB who will throw all day long.  Beast Mode at RB, ready to dominate any week.  Alfred Morris at the other RB spot, the only dependable aspect of the 'Skins offense.  Demaryius Thomas and Jeremy Maclin at WR - the main receivers in pass-happy offenses. What fantasy owner wouldn't love a core group like that?

How the rest of the league sees Renal Failure's trading strategy...

Oh, and did we mention we still have C.J. Spiller AND Fred Jackson for RB depth and FLEX options, not to mention we picked up Bishop Sankey at a time where the Titans are actually going to run him more seeing how he's the only one on the team with talent?  Hell, even Jason Witten's starting to pick up his game just in case Zach Ertz somehow does not live up to his TE Of The Future billing.  And when Frank Gore and Doug Martin go down with injuries (because they've done it before) we've got Bobby Rainey and Carlos Hyde on standby, ready to play or ready to deal.

So going into Week 5 vs. Predator Press, we're liking our odds a bit more than usual.  We have reloaded and restocked, no one's on a bye, and 1-3 is the kind of desperate situation that historically has seen Renal Failure rally.  And though Yahoo! sees the matchup as a slight advantage to the People's Champ over LOBO's Predator Press, you can feel it in the air that Renal Failure's going to get business done in a big way.

Everyone does the air drums to this...

We'll see whether The People are on back on track or we've blown up our season.  Gotta love the desperation that comes after the four game mark to salvage or maintain a fantasy season.  The waiver wire Hail Mary's. The Machiavellian trades. The clinging to hope that long-shots pay off and everyone else stays healthy.  We're going for broke, baby!  Or at least that fourth-seed.

Renal Failure is the People's Champ of the HBFFL and the FTWL.  We got housed just as bad in the FTWL in Week Four too so apparently we don't win when Marshawn Lynch doesn't play. But Beast Mode is back and we're playing LOBO in the FTWL too, and Yahoo! likes his chances even less there.