Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I celebrate a Pyrhhic victory

This past weekend I defeated Don's Eunuchs 110-72, but it was a Pyrrhic victory in a way as the more important news for my team for the weekend was the loss of the second part of my one-two punch at running back:

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals, September 13, 2009
Photo courtesy of xoque on Flickr
No. 21 won't be celebrating any more TDs this season with a hip bump.

While I shouldn't speak too quickly --but I will, because that's the way I roll-- at least, for now, I have the one part of that punch at running back:

and half a punch in this RB:

Are you scared, Bald Spots?

I know I am.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I am to Blogging as Mike Mayock is to Football

Predator Press


Beaming a natural confidence and authority, there is still a sense of earnest urgency as I issue the unfiltered truth.

Pounding my fists on piles of pie charts, dizzying graphs and bottomless Excel spreadsheets, I draw little diagrams on chalkboards and television screens explaining in excruciating detail what you did wrong in crude Xs and Os.

And leaving as suddenly as I came, you will look at each other and wonder, “Who the hell was that guy?" and "What was he talking about?" and "Why is he at our wedding ... ?”

Friday, November 26, 2010

Week 12 Semi-Preview: Renal Failure vs. Bald Spots II: The Secret of the Orbital Bear

by Renal Failure

Scientists still do not have any definitive evidence to determine which is easier: Pimpin' or fantasy football.

Usually we have our preview done on Friday, but this was one of the rare occasions that we had players on a Thursday night game. And because the People Champion likes to give thanks to Captain Morgan rum on that particular Thursday in November, we didn't get a chance to type up a preview of the People's quest for the fantasy playoffs.

And so with three rum and cokes in us, we watched the early game between the Patriots and Lions and witness Tom Brady deliver us the finest Bearducken - which for the uneducated masses out there is a Bear with a duck stuffed up its ass that has a chicken stuffed up its ass - and then throw it halfway to the Dagobah system with a 46-point performance, much to the dismay of Bryan of the Bald Spots who couldn't enjoy Calvin "Megatron" Johnson's big 15-point day on the Lions end.

Our Thanksgiving wasn't this dignified...

So going into Sunday's game, Renal Failure holds a 52-15 edge over Bald Spots (Brandon Pettigrew got himself 6 points for the People on Thursday too), but the game's far from over. Bryan still has Philip Rivers waiting to throw a bear into orbit himself vs. Indianapolis, though we don't think it will be the sort of bear with other animals shoved up its ass. And with the way Brett Favre's been playing I wouldn't be surprised to see the Vikings hand the ball to Adrian Petersen all day. Pierre Garcon could be a problem, but Peyton Manning's been slinging the ball to everyone on that team so Garcon may not get many chances to hurt us.

But Renal Failure still have the vaunted 1-2 punch of Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis waiting to bolster the People's lead, along with the hottest WR combo in fantasy football Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd, especially after T.O. got shut down by the Jets in the late Thanksgiving game (sorry Chris). And Matt Bryant and the Cleveland Defense have some pretty good projected matchups that the People feel pretty good about, which will give us some much needed points should a wild card spot come down to a Points For tiebreaker.

Ines Sainz waits patiently for the Renal Failure victory that she has decreed.

If the People hold on to their 37-point lead, they'll enter into a tie for third with Bald Spots at 7-5 along with either one or two of these three teams: La Machine, What the Canuck? and Predator Press. La Machine and Predator Press are playing each other so one of them is going to fall to 6-6 unless they maintain their current tied score, and What the Canuck? has to make up a 43-point deficit against the first place 9-2 Bourbon Blasters to keep pace (and we're hoping for a Bourbon Blasters loss so that Joe can't tie our record for most wins in a season, that being 12).

So until next week... stay thirsty for the playoffs, my friend.

Renal Failure has a little Captain in them, except on Thanksgiving when he has a lot of Captain in them. This is why Renal Failure wakes up on the front lawn on Black Friday.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Just because you have no balls doesn't mean we won't kick you in the crotch

by Renal Failure

It still hurts a eunuch when you snap them where their balls used to be...

Renal Failure scored a big 123-67 victory over the Eunuchs in Week 11, avenging our previous loss this season to Don and keeping us in the hunt for the playoffs. And though Don would have been better off starting Matt Ryan over injured Tony Romo, it wouldn't have made a difference because the People's Champion treated the People to a dominant fantasy performance this week, where 6 out of the 8 starters hit double-digit points (but you still exceeded your projected total Brandon Pettigrew, so we're still cool. The Saints D, however...).

Sure, Tom Brady only met his projected score of 21 points and Chris Johnson severely underperformed the highly-optimistic 28-point projection he was slated to have against the Washington Redskins with a modest 18-point day, but that slack was made up by Peyton Hillis (19pts) Dwayne Bowe (27pts), and Brandon Lloyd (13pts). Even kicker Matt Bryant had a nice 14-point day for the People, displaying why one reason Renal Failure is known as The Wild Card (bitches!): points from unlikely sources.

Your 2nd-highest scoring kicker in the HBFFL this season... and he's probably really good at kicking people in the balls too.

The People continued to be highly confused by Buffalo Bills RB Fred Jackson's awesome point production on our bench considering he hadn't done a damn thing all season. But after a 29-point Week 11 and a 33-point Week 10, we can only lament that he didn't start throwing bears into orbit before the trade deadline because unless Chris Johnson or Peyton Hillis get injured he's never going to see the starting lineup for our roster. Yes, Renal Failure is bold, but not bold enough to bench either Johnson or Hillis at this critical stage of the season when a playoff spot is oh-so-close.

In other Renal bench news, Chad Ochocinco snagged a touchdown in his second straight game while snagging 8 points vs. Buffalo, Tampa Bay's Mike Williams had a nice 11-point day to go along with his arrest for suspicion of driving under the influence, and backup QB Sam Bradford outscored Tom Brady with a 24-point day vs. Atlanta. So in essence we could have started our bench against Don and still would have won, but that's an easy task when your opponent doesn't swap out their injured QB.

Our Lady of Victory and Tight Denim Ines Sainz looks favorably upon Renal Failure's devotion, and thus has granted us yet another glorious triumph.

The People are now 6-5 and riding a four-game winning streak into a four-way tie for that last playoff spot alongside La Machine, What the Canuck? and Predator Press (and we've got the tie-breaker edge in points). There's no room for error anymore, especially with our next game: a Week 12 Revenge Match against the 7-4 Bald Spots. Regular readers here will remember that in Week Three Bald Spots Bryan had four players on his roster throw bears into deep orbit, probably to get back at us for surviving Tom Brady's 60-point game vs. Tennessee and beating him in '09. We'll have a preview of what is sure to be a high-scoring match-up later this week.

Three more wins to go.

Renal Failure is working on a cervix kick to use on women so that they may know a man's pain when it comes to getting a boot to the crotch.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I prefer a moving target

It's hard to write about a game where your opponent doesn't show up as this past weekend I won 119-53 over Static's Team Krapsody who had three players who didn't show up (two were out of the game and one just wasn't "in the game"). It doesn't make a great target.

Target by Jasper Johns
photo by cliff1066™ on Flickr

Personally, I like a moving target.

Or then again (shuddering at Milli Vanilli's cousin here) maybe not.

Unfortunately, next week I don't get a moving target either as The Ramblers face The Eunuchs, who still have Tony Romo at QB. The last two weeks of the regular season, though, I face Bald Spots and La Machine. At least, they ought to make it interesting.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Exhibit B in the Ines Sainz case of LOBO v. RF

Personally I think the focus by LOBO and Renal Failure on Ines Sainz and her...ahem...assets is wrongly placed. Exhibit B ("B" as in "Breasts"):

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The People vs. LOBO

by Renal Failure

We've put our best legal minds on this issue of Ines Sainz's ass...

Ladies and gentlemen of this alleged jury. You've heard some fancy words from LOBO about why he also should be allowed to invoke the power of Ines Sainz's ass, something that Renal Failure has been doing for the past four weeks. But these supposed claims from this supposed LOBO don't hold up under any sort of scrutiny.

First, our other attorney would like to put his objection of LOBO's claims on the official record. He would post it directly here, but the HBFFL blog is full of unsavory characters who would get him disbarred should the authorities find him associating with them (we're looking at you, Rambler).

Exhibit A in the People's Case against LOBO... "A" as in "ass."

EXHIBIT B: In September the Ines Sainz locker room story broke, resulting in Bex's only post for the HBFFL blog, one post from Chris C. reminding us that Sainz could have done worse with a drunk Joe Namath, and two posts on the subject by LOBO. But after that, nothing from anyone on Ines Sainz until Week 8 when your People's Champion Renal Failure jettisoned the advice of Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy for the glorious oracle that is Ines Sainz's ass. And since we've made that move, Renal Failure has gone 4-0, thus resurrecting the People's 2010 Season.

Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy suggest to LOBO that those who own paragons of virtue Ben Roethlisberger, Michael Vick, and Santonio Holmes on their fantasy teams should not cast stones.

So LOBO sees the success the People are having with Ines Sainz and wants to get in on the hot, sexy action too, so he starts adding her ass to his posts as well. Clearly LOBO is clearly guilty of bandwagon-jumping, dick-riding, and high hipsterism. And arson. Yet still LOBO claims to be the victim - nay, the plaintiff - in this case, even though it is the People who have victimized by LOBO wanting a piece of our Ines Sainz action.

The part of LOBO will be played by Will.I.Am and Thugnificient...

EXHIBIT C: LOBO says we are compromising the integrity of Ines Sainz journalistic integrity with our appropriation of Sainz's ass for the People's use, but if you checked out his second post in September about Ines Sainz he strips of her journalist title and calls her an entertainer.

And I quote from LOBO: "The more I think about this Inez Sainz thing, the more annoyed I get. It really illustrates the difference between “Journalists” and “Entertainers” nicely: "Journalists" don’t become The Story."

What is she this week, LOBO?

What LOBO didn't tell you about the bong he found in our possession was that the last time it was used his starting fantasy QB Michael Vick was still killing dogs...

So readers of the HBFFL blog, we ask that you see LOBO's claim for what we've clearly exposed it as: the desperate act of a fantasy owner trying to sneak his ass into the playoffs at the expense of the much more beloved Renal Failure by way of Ines Sainz's ass, an ass he had discarded back in Week Two. In the words of Sir Mix-a-Lot in the case of Little in the Middle v. But She Got Much Back, when it comes to Ines Sainz's ass LOBO did indeed toss it and leave it, and we pulled up quick to retrieve it.

The People know you will make the right choice.

And if we see you on our block again, LOBO...

Renal Failure puts the "gat" in litigation, because we love doing that John Woo two gun thing. And then the doves start flying.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Trench Run


MOTION TO DECLARE the Use of Ines Sainz Butt
for Religious Purposes Cool BY LAW Because Last Time I

WHERAS my esteemed colleague Renal Failure has objected to the my invocation of the Butt of Ines Sainz, I would like Yours Honor Truly to tell him to cram it.

EVIDENSE: This season, Renal Failure and Predator Press seem to be mirroring each other: both teams have underperformed thus far, and both seem destined to slug it out for the last position in the Finals. It should be no surprise my esteemed colleague RF objected to my invocation of one Ines Sainz butt image.

But YOURS HONOR TRULY, is the much-ballyhooed butt of Ines Sainz but his alone to invoke? I, the PLAINTIFF, studied my monitor closely, but did not observe the DEFENDANT'S name on it. And when I broke into his house yesterday, I saw none of Ines Sainz' pants in the closet. I did find his fingerprints on an 8.5”-10” glossy of her butt on his nightstand –right next to a Victoria’s Secret catalog with the pages strangely stuck together.  But does this make RF’s claim legitimate? I mean if possession is 9/10ths of the law, punching your monkey on something has got to be, like, 15/10ths, right?

Just like everybody else, Ines Sainz spray paints her pants on one leg at a time: my wife, between obscenities, was early and often to point out that Intellectual Rights and Ownership Claims over Ines Sainz’ butt are open to some degree of interpretation.

I submit that Ines Sainz butt is intended for all to enjoy. And we cannot just stand by as Renal Failure covets –and inevitably compromises- the journalistic integrity of Ines Sainz, nor the potential joy and hope her butt might bring us all ... I, an American citizen, cannot stand idly by in the face of such Communism and flagrant tax violations!  I expect numerous torts, motions, warrants, and contunuances filed on behalf of my plaintiffing.

I also found a bong in RF’s attic.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Week 11: Renal Failure vs. Eunuchs Part Two: The Eunuching

by Renal Failure

Bas Rutten trained us to be better Fantasy Football players... and to kick you in the groin.

Your People's Champion feels good about the prospect of avenging their earlier loss this season to the Eunuchs. Back in Week Two, Renal Failure had some issues: Chris Johnson and Tom Brady hadn't found their bear-throwing groove yet, our wide receivers weren't scoring, and with Ryan Grant going down in Week One for the season we were without a decent flex option.

But all that has changed as we enter Week 11. Dwayne Bowe has gone from putting up less points than letters in his name to being a touchdown machine. Brandon Lloyd strikes fear into the hearts of fantasy football owners who don't own him with his big-yardage days and multiple touchdown games. Peyton Hillis has shown how glad he is to be off of Chris's bench by running wild for the People in our flex spot. And best of all Tom Brady and Chris Johnson are clicking on all cylinders at this crucial part of the season, and have awesome match-ups this week as the Colts are soft against the pass and the Redskins might as well rename themselves "the Launching Pad" after the all the bears the Eagles threw into orbit against them.

Michael Vick threw this bear so far into space it's going to come back centuries later as V'Ger... and it will demand to merge with Vick so it can evolve.

Also in the People's favor is the fact that Don hasn't touched his team in many week, resulting in the injured Tony Romo remaining as the Eunuchs' starting QB. But the Eunuchs still have dangerous plays in their lineup such as Rashard Mendenhall, Michael Turner, and Hakeem Nicks (each projected for 14pts). And the Pittsburgh Defense who got shut out last week vs. the Patriots will be looking for redemption against the Oakland Raiders. Even without Romo they could still win with the right combination of good luck for the Eunuchs and bad luck for the Failure. And with such a strong lineup, it's a shame that Don has left his team to stagnate and rot to a 2-8 record.

We sacrificed a case of Sam Adams Winter Lager to Ines Sainz so that she may grant us glorious victory. And by sacrifice we mean drank it all alone in one sitting in the dark.

Yahoo! has Renal Failure projected to win 103-71, a lot of that based on the 28 points Chris Johnson is projected to get against Washington. Peyton Hillis is projected for 13 vs. Jacksonville and that seems low to us considering Jacksonville doesn't play tough defense and Hillis is a muscle-laden juggernaut. Tom Brady is slated for 21 vs. the Colts, a game that's probably going to be a shootout between Brady and Peyton Manning.

A win puts the People's Champion above .500 for the first time since Week One and continues the People's push to the playoffs. And considering 6-4 La Machine is playing the 8-2 Bourbon Blasters and the 7-3 Bald Spots are playing 5-5 Predator Press, this is definitely the week to either make up some ground or get in a better position in the fight for those precious post-season spots.

Renal Failure doesn't underestimate the kick in the groin. In fact, we tend to over-rely on the move. Crotch murder is our bag, baby.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

We told you Tom Brady lives for revenge

by Renal Failure

That guy had a better week than Team Krapsody.

The People's Champion known as Renal Failure is on a roll, winning our third straight game with a 124-77 drubbing of Team Krapsody. True, Static neglected to swap out injured Joseph Addai and bye week Antonio Gates and Garrett Hartley, but the 47-point margin of victory was far greater than his Marion Barber (4pts) and Greg Olson (5pts) could have made up.

Tom Brady showed why he is the inventor of throwing bears into space by putting up a monster 46-point day against the vaunted Steelers Defense. Brandon Lloyd continues to show why he's the man at WR with a 21-point game vs. Kansas City. And the HBFFL got its first taste of the new dangerous 1-2 running back punch with Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis having wonderful days (22 and 16 points respectively).

Static is glad he's not this woman... or that we didn't have Michael Vick and his 64-point bear into the center of the universe day on our side.

Everything didn't come up Milhouse for your People's Champions. Jason Witten was the only Dallas Cowboy to not have any fun against the Giants, putting up a big fat goose egg. We started Tampa Bay's Mike Williams (6pts, meeting his projection)instead of Dwayne Bowe and Bowe took the initiative while his Chiefs were getting blown out by throwing a bear into the crab nebula with a 35-point performance, most of it after the game had already been decided. Even Chad Ochocinco had a nice 14-point day sitting on the People's Bench. We were also surprised that Tampa Bay had a horrid day on Defense against the lowly Panthers. But the biggest "What the-?" of the day was Renal Failure's 4th-string RB Fred Jackson of the Bills using bear-throwing muscles we didn't even know he had in putting up 33 fantasy points vs. the Lions. Maybe we move him past Brandon Jackson on the Renal Running Back Depth Chart for such a performance... or maybe we just write it off as a fluke and ride the Chris Johnson/Peyton Hillis gravy train all the way to the Promised Land.

The great prophet Muhammed with his mutton chops and white jumpsuit smiles fondly upon the People's Champion keeping their season alive.

Some may say that this victory means nothing, that all we did was beat a team that hadn't been touched by its owner in many weeks. But those people are not The People, and The People know that this was a meaningful win because it reinforces the message we started to send last week but then we got distracted by a cat video but now we're back to finish that message: Renal Failure has returned and we may be more dangerous than we were last season when we went 12-2 and were the highest scoring team in HBFFL history. We're clicking at the right time in the season, our bench is deep, and the bears are launching into space with the Renal Failure logo plastered to their grizzly flanks.

So Renal Failure is back at .500 with a 5-5 record, one game behind fourth place La Machine and two games behind The Ramblers and Bald Spots for a Wild Card slot (bitches!) with 4 games left to play. Week 11 sees The Eunuchs come into the People's House for a return engagement. In Week 2, Don's squad won 105-61 against Renal Failure. We think Renal Failure can score more than 61 points this time around, and we think there's no way the Eunuchs get close to 105 as long as Don keeps forgetting to replace the injured Tony Romo. We'll have the preview of this matchup later in the week. Until then, remember that no one circles the wagons like Renal Failure.

Renal Failure lost in his 14-team league because Hines Ward, the Steelers Defense, and Chris Cooley didn't put up a single point. I've seen players shit the bed before, but I've never seen three of them shit the same bed at the same time. What kind of shit party is that?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I beat a girl a second time this year

So what's it feel like to beat a girl twice in one year in fantasy football?

Yep. Like that, especially when this second time was just barely an escape by my Ramblers with a 119-109 win over Bex's Battling Butterflies.

Each of us had five players in double figures: she with Mike Wallace, Carson Palmer, DeSean Jackson, Marion Manningham and the Philadelphia Eagles defense; me with David Garrard, Mike Thomas, Frank Gore, Arian Foster and Dan Carpenter.

However, the key combo was David Garrard and Mike Thomas, with Garrard connecting up on a 50-yard Hail Mary pass to Thomas as time wound down and the Jaguars escaped the Texans 31-24. Garrard finished with 37 fantasy points; Thomas, 26. In contrast, her top two scorers were Mike Wallace with 30; Carson Palmer, 26. End of story.

I would write more about that amazing combo with Garrard and Thomas, but our league commissioner, Chris Cameron, already did here: The 30 Point Hail Mary Play.

photo courtesy of soozums on Flickr

For that, this Chris Cameron character will play. Unfortunately, I have to wait until Week 14 to exact my revenge and have to wade through Krap, Eunuchs and Bald Spots before I can do that.

But I will have my revenge...

And yes, it will sound just as ugly as that.

Bears? PTHBTT!

Predator Press


"Michael Vick says Dynomutt called you an asshole."

Monday, November 15, 2010

The 30 Point Hail Mary Play

The Ramblers might have set some kind of fantasy football record Sunday. In mere moments they went from 60 to 90 points, a 30-point swing. What the hell happened?

Let's set the scene...

The Ramblers have both the Jags QB, David Garrard (at 292 yards, 37 yds rushing, 1 TD, 23 points so far) and WR Mike Thomas (99 yards, 18 yds rushing, 10 points so far) going for them and the Jax have the ball, one play left, score tied, last seconds of regulation...

That was one hell of a Hail Mary. Not only did both get the yardage and TD points but the five point bonus for 300+ passing yards, and 100+ receiving yards. Fourteen points for Garrard, sixteen for Thomas.

A 30 point swing in just one play.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Week 10 Preview: Renal Failure vs. Absentee Static

by Renal Failure

When your opponent is a deadbeat owner, you need to bring out the most powerful metal you can find to get hyped for another week of fantasy football.

It's Week 10 and the People's Champion known as Renal Failure gets to face Team Krapsody again. The last time these two team met, Renal Failure won 95-59 and Static was still interested in updating his lineup. A lot has changed since then as Static has pretty much given up on the season for reasons we don't know and don't care about while Renal Failure has toiled endlessly to turn around a disastrous half of the 2010 season to become, arguably, the most dangerous team in the HBFFL.

Sure, Tom Brady has been disappointing the last few weeks, but only the foolish underestimate the man who invented throwing bears into outer space. This man's career is based on getting revenge on the people who underestimated him. That's why he bangs Gisele Bundchen, because someone said he couldn't. We can't bring ourselves to bench him because you never know. Tennessee didn't know last year, and then BAM! 60 point day. The first bear in orbit since the Soviet Union shot a whole bunch of animals into space. Why did they do that? Because someone said they couldn't.

Cosmonaut doggie brought much pride and honor to the proletariat.

Now that that People have replenished their RB corps with Peyton Hillis and Brandon Jackson to complement Chris Johnson, the People now have the depth at RB that they thought they had when the year began with Ryan Grant, Pierre Thomas, and Clinton Portis before the three of them went down to injury.

And the People's WR collective is the envy of the league. Brandon Lloyd is a 100-yard game machine, Mike Williams of Tampa Bay has shown why Seattle's Mike Williams is known as "the other Mike Williams," Dwayne Bowe's been hot lately, and Hines Ward has veteran dependability. Chad Ochocinco is an emergency option, and Sidney Rice looks to be coming back for the last stretch of the season to provide yet another viable option at WR.

Ines Sainz only knows one thing... it is better to be Ines Sainz. Is Static Ines Sainz? No, he not. Neither is Scott Baio Ines Sainz.

With Static not taking out injured Joseph Addai, bye week Antonio Gates, and bye week Garrett Hartley, we're looking at another Renal Failure victory here. When you don't switch out three starters from your lineup, it's pretty much a forfeit, so we'll forgo the usual insights on the match-up and just rely on the blogger's crutch: that being internet videos.

When getting back to a .500 record, it's important to be well lubricated.

Renal Failure won in all four of our leagues last week. First time all season we've done that.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Defeated by the trades you didn't make

by Renal Failure

Rambler was popping all that good shit last week...

Last year, Renal Failure made a trade with Unfinished Rambler that sent Stephen Jackson, Chad Ochocinco, and Derrick Ward to the People's Champion while Rambler got Steve Slaton, Jerricho Cotchery, and Tim Hightower. That week Renal Failure and the Ramblers played each other and Renal Failure won by exactly the amount of points that SJax scored over fumbling machine Steve Slaton that week (25 to zero).

Last week, Renal Failure was in a trading mood and offered Peyton Hillis and Dwayne Bowe to The Ramblers in exchange for Arian Foster (who the Texans drafted to replace Slaton) and some other player whose name escapes us. Rambler was tempted but ultimately declined the offer. Some say that it's because Rambler is all about Arian Foster complementing Frank Gore as one of the best 1-2 running back punches in the HBFFL. Others say (okay, it's us) that it's because Rambler didn't want to have a replay of the last year's trade with the People's Champion.

Representation of Rambler's imagined paranoia of dealing with Renal Failure...

How did it work out? Well, Arian Foster threw a bear into orbit with a 36-point day vs. San Diego, but Peyton Hillis threw his bear a little deeper into the cold abyss of space with 38 points against the Patriots. And Chris Johnson for Renal Failure and Frank Gore for the Ramblers were out on bye weeks so neither team could attack with the other half of their vaunted RB combos.

Advantage: Renal Failure +2 points

Dwayne Bowe outscored both of Rambler's WR's by himself, getting 12 points compared to newly-acquired Patrick Crayton's 7pts (the second time a team has picked him up just to play against us) and Steve Breaston's 2pts. Not that Rambler had much of a choice in the matter regarding his receivers. Santana Moss was on a bye, Marques Colston had a meager 6pts, and the highest scoring receiver on the Rambler roster Austin Collie left the game against Philly with a concussion and no points. Rambler told me that if he had Bowe he would have started him over Breaston. With Bowe out of the line-up Renal Failure would have started Hines Ward who only scored 7 points vs. the Bengals because Brandon Lloyd was on a bye week

Advantage: Renal Failure +3 points (Bowe's 12 - Ward/Breaston 9)

Our faith in Blast Hardcheese has been duly rewarded...

Moving onto the Flex spot, it should be noted that the People's Champ pulled off a bold move late on Sunday after learning feared Raiders CB Nnamdi Asomugha would be inactive. We switched out Hines Ward from the starting line-up, put Dwayne Bowe in the WR slot, and added Brandon Jackson of the Packers in the Flex spot. Now after Ryan Grant went down for the season in Week One, Rambler picked up Brandon Jackson from the free agent pool but later released him. The People then picked up BJax and he paid immediate dividends against the Cowboys with a big 18-point Sunday night while Ramblers' only viable flex option Thomas Jones had a disappointing three points vs. the Raiders.

Advantage: Renal Failure +15 points.

So through Rambler's inaction and actions, he provided a total of 20 points to the People's Champion. And the final score? 132-112. A Renal Failure margin of victory of exactly 20 points. IT HAPPENED AGAIN!

Rambler ate something that didn't agree with him...

There were some problems in the People's glorious victory to keep their season alive. QB Tom Brady barely exceeded his projected 22 points with a 23-point game against the Browns, continuing his streak of not putting a bear into outer space, which greatly distresses us because Tom Brady invented throwing bears into outer space (Matt Stafford ended his season on the People's Bench with an inexplicable 31 points and a separated shoulder, and recently-traded away Eli Manning had 32pts for La Machine). Also, Brady's two TD passes were to Aaron Hernandez who Rambler was starting at tight end, which wasn't very helpful either. Rambler can at least be glad about his TE production, especially compared to Jason Witten's four points (Brandon Pettigrew had 7pts on the People's Bench). Also Rambler dominated the QB slot with Aaron Rodgers scoring more points in one half vs. the Cowboys than Tom Brady had all day (24-23), and finishing with 36 overall even with sitting out most of the 4th quarter, but it wasn't enough.

Still... if only Rambler got to play an absentee team like Joe did vs. The Eunuchs or LOBO did vs. Team Krapsody or Chris did vs. The Battling Butterflies he would have won handily. Hell, he would have won against any other HBFFL team this week. But alas, Rambler met a resurgent and reloaded Renal Failure squad who put up their highest scoring game of the year even with their leading running back and wide receiver out on bye weeks. And we have one person to thank for that...

Ines Sainz brings victory, glory, and tight denim to the People...

So now Renal Failure sits at 4-5 after their first go-round with every team in the league, leaving five more games to go in the HBFFL regular season, which are five more games Renal Failure needs to win to make the playoffs. Next week they play Team Krapsody. We might bother to do a preview of that game later in the week even if Static doesn't bother to update his lineup for Week 10.

Renal Failure watched the entire Green Bay/Dallas game to see if the final gun was going to be Wade Phillips pulling a Budd Dwyer before Jerry Jones could fire him.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I've got the teeth of the Hydra upon me

I'm trying hard to find the humor in this past weekend's 132-112 loss to Renal Failure, but so far I'm not finding it. I've already written two posts that analyzed the loss from the trade perspective (I could have made a trade with RF last week for Dwayne Bowe and Peyton Hillis, which would have helped me, but I didn't, because I didn't want to give up Arian Foster, yadda yadda) and from the wrong player perspective (I picked up Patrick Crayton instead of Seyi Ajirotutu who went off on Sunday).

The famous yawn - cc licence

My thoughts exactly.

I then thought of referring to the Hydra since RF referred to the nine-headed creature last year after he and I made a trade in which he got the better end of the deal (um, Stephen Jackson, I gave him up for anyone, not smart at all). Only problem is he only had six players (including the New Orleans defense) in double digits and not nine, although all of the photos I found online of the Hydra had more or less than nine heads:

Plus Hercules defeated the Hydra and neither I nor my team definitely didn't play the part of Hercules this past weekend.

However, one of the reasons I liked the idea of using the reference to the Hydra was that it gave me an excuse to use this song:

Well, if I'm not going to be funny, I might as well rock. Here's another one from T-Rex, just for gits and shiggles, as my wife sometimes says:

Photos courtesy of Hilary Quinn, Bob Swain

Sunday, November 7, 2010

96-yard Field Goal!!!!!

Holy crap, Batman! Oakland kicker Sebastian Janikowski just set a world record and kicked a 96-yard field goal to put the game against Kansas City game into overtime! Personally, I think it should have been worth at least 6 points and allowed the Raiders to win the game. Don't you think?

Friday, November 5, 2010

Week 9: Renal Failure vs. The Ramblers

by Renal Failure

This is what happens when you think you can take Renal Failure lightly...

The 3-5 People's Champions known as Renal Failure look to get back into the playoff race against the 6-2 Ramblers, and the People's chances are pretty good considering the number of players out on a bye week.

Chris Johnson and Brandon Lloyd are out on byes for Renal Failure, and Rambler is missing Frank Gore and Santana Moss. So now the game comes down to a question of position depth, and we believe the People's Champ through their tireless planning efforts has the Unfinished One beat there.

We declare Inez Sainz to be our Fantasy Football good luck charm, seeing how we won last week after putting this picture in our preview post vs. Bex.

Rambler's WR corps is suspect. Marques Colston is unreliable because of how many targets Drew Brees has in throwing the ball. Steve Breaston's success rests in the hands of Derek Andersen or Max Hall. Austin Collie might return this week after a thumb injury, but does Rambler really want to depend on a receiver with a bad thumb?

Rambler still has Arian Foster throwing bears into space, but with Frank Gore out he's hoping Thomas Jones can vulture some good numbers vs. Oakland when Jamaal Charles needs a breather. And Rambler's not going to get 22 points from his kicker again either.

We put our faith in Thick McRunFast.

The People replace Chris Johnson with the newly-acquired Peyton Hillis, who has been a damn machine for the Browns this season. And whereas the Ramblers are soft at WR, the People's Champion is deep, even with Brandon Lloyd on a bye. Hines Ward, Dwayne Bowe, and Tampa Bay's Mike Williams are genuine threats to put up big numbers, thus continuing Renal Failure's boldness campaign by starting three receivers.

Thus this week's matchup (projected by Yahoo to go 92-88 in Rambler's favor) is probably going to come down to the quarterbacks. Aaron Rodgers has been struggling of late but he's got the hapless Cowboys this week. Tom Brady hasn't been setting the world on fire as of late either, but he's throwing the rock on the Browns.

Sure, this is Rambler's revenge game on Renal Failure from last season, but he won't get it this time around. The People's Champ has too much to play for, and the league just wouldn't be as interesting without Renal Failure contending for a playoff spot. It's a fact. So everyone stand aside while Renal Failure runs the table.

You want Renal Failure on that wall! You need Renal Failure on that wall!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Randy Moss Arrives in Tennessee

Predator Press


Cletis, perplexed, scratched his head with the sight on his revolver. This tipped his hat forward, giving him a thoughtful and determined look he figgered.

“Do ya see her, Paw?” cried Skeeter.

“No son,” says Cletis. “Miss Moss?” he called into the train car. “Miss Randi Moss?”

“I’m Randy Moss,” said the 6’4” wide receiver. Despite the staggering size and weight of his duffel bag, he leaned forward and down to shake the tiny sheriff’s hand.

“Jesus Christ!” Cletis shrieked. “You’re Randi Moss?”

“It’s ‘Randy,’” Moss explained. “With a ‘Y.’”

“Dammit,” says Cletis. “We thought you was a porn star.”

“Nope,” says Randy.

“Do ya see her, Paw?” called Skeeter.

“Uh,” said Cletis, scratching his head. “Well sort of-“

Suddenly, the approaching sound of Skeeter's hard shoes, running. “Did you invite her to the ceremony where we give here the Key to the City?” Skeeter skidded clumsily around the corner, and locked eyes on Randy.

“Paw, this man is black,” he breathed, drawing his gun.

“I know that,” said Cletis. “This here is Randy Moss. With a ‘Y’. Now Skeeter Rommel McCoy, put that gun away affer ya does somethin stupid.”

“No can do, Paw.” As he cocked the hammer, a bead of sweat ran down Skeeter's forehead. “I seen a black man once. This man is ten times blacker.”  He circles Moss, "What say you, Randy with a 'Y?' 'Habla Espanol? Konichiwa?"

Cletis sighed. Returning his attention to Randy, he began to recite the words he prepared –although in a slightly rehearsed, inanimate manner. “We, on behalf of our fine city, welcome you Randy -with a ‘Y’- Moss, to our fair city of Tennessee-” He paused abruptly, whispering. “What is it you’re here to do again?”

“I’m joining the Titans,” Randy explained to blank stares. “You know, your football team?”

“Hot damn,” says Skeeter, holstering his weapon.

“We got us a football team?"

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Oh, and LOBO's still the only one to lose to Bex this season

by Renal Failure

We win! We win! Computer duster whippets for everyone!

Renal Failure avoids falling into a tie for last place by defeating the last place team, Bex's Battling Butterflies, 90-70. And despite the meager numbers put up by Tom Brady (18pts) and the horrid day by Hines Ward (1pt), your People's Champion is walking on sunshine.

Brandon Lloyd threw a bear into space with a 27pt day vs. the Niners, Jason Witten is turning his season around now that Tony Romo is out of the lineup by netting his second double-digit point day in a row (15pts), and Chris Johnson put up a respectable 13pts for the People to make up for not doing jack last week for us. Dwayne Bowe salvaged a light receiving day with a TD to get 7pts for the People.

Brandon Lloyd asks an uncaring God why his Denver Broncos are 2-6, and why Renal Failure is 3-5. But God does not answer his pleas, because God is too busy watching Japanese porn.

Bex's lineup put up surprising numbers with their non-featured running back corps of Mike Tolbert (14pts) and Michael Bush (16pts). Greg Jennings got 8pts vs. a tough Jets defense. Carson Palmer put 20pts vs. the Dolphins, though most of those points came in the first half. Bex also forgot to put in the Tennessee Defense instead of the bye week Philadelphia Eagles, but they only scored 7pts so their contribution wouldn't have mattered, nor would starting Vince Young (24pts) instead of Carson Palmer.

But we weren't the only team who got away with an absentee owner syndrome win. Joe and the Bourbon Blasters got a boost from Team Krapsody forgetting to field a quarterback and a flex player. Danny Woodhead and his 11 points sat on Static's bench. If Static had picked up Matt Stafford, who put up 40 vs. Washington, to replace bye week Joe Flacco and Kevin Kolb, victory would have been his.

Sorry, but he's in the employ of Renal Failure now...

More egregious was What the Canuck? getting a free ride vs. Don's Eunuchs. Don didn't swap out the injured Tony Romo, nor did he replace bye week-having Hakeem Nicks and Michael Turner either. Worse was that pretty much everyone on Don's bench was on a bye week, so the only possible way for Don to have had a chance in this game was a complete free-agent revamp of his lineup, which would have required him to actually sign into Yahoo! and tinker with his roster.

Anyway... Bex will not get another shot at the People's Champion in 2010, as this was the two teams' sole game vs. each other. But both teams could go undefeated for the rest of the season and make it to the playoffs, perhaps to meet each other again either in the semi-finals or the finals. We've seen stranger things...

What has been seen cannot be unseen... even if you don't understand it. And there isn't enough context in the world to make any sense of this.

Also, the People would like to announce a trade that was finalized after Sunday's games. Renal Failure sends QB Eli Manning and TE Marcedes Lewis to La Machine for RB Peyton Hillis and TE Brandon Pettigrew. This move gives La Machine some insurance at QB now that Alex Smith is out of action with an injury and The People's Champion gets the highly productive Hillis (104 fantasy points for a horrid Cleveland Browns team) who has been wallowing (undeservedly) on Chris's bench behind LeSean McCoy, Cedric Benson, Ray Rice, and Marshawn Lynch. The People hope this returns the vaunted 1-2 RB punch that has defined past Renal Failure teams but has been absent this season due to losing Ryan Grant in Week One.

Week 9 sees Renal Failure take on The Ramblers who are in a three-way jam for first place with the Bald Spots and Bourbon Blasters. We'll have our preview later in the week on how the People will screw things up for the Ramblers' ambitions to sit atop the HBFFL standings.

Renal Failure is glad they actually got to trade Eli Manning this season, after no one would take him off our hands in '09.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I should be happy that I defeated Lobo but I'm not because I also lost to Lobo

I know the title of this post is like, "Whaaaa?"

But it's like this, here in the HBFFL, my team defeated Lobo's Predator Press team, 95-47, while in the FTWL (Lobo's upstart league), my team lost to Lobo's Al Dente Infernos team 89-73.

Why I lost over there came down to one simple fact:

I didn't have the balls to play Kyle Orton over Aaron ("Always Play Your Studs") Rodgers. Orton had 30 fantasy points; Rodgers, 8.

Why I won over here came down to one player who was able to kick the balls of the Cincinnati Bengals:

His name: Dan Carpenter. Kicker for the Miami Dolphins and he came up with a whopping 17 fantasy points as he went 5-for-5 on field goal attempts. Yes, Arian Foster and Frank Gore came through as usual, but without Carpenter's 17 points too, I wouldn't have been able to defeat Lobo -- at least once this week.

Thanks, Dan, for not making this week a complete loss.

Now on to next week, where I'll be playing Renal Failure without Gore and would have been playing him without Foster too if I had accepted a trade offer from him. G-U-L-L-I-B-L-E. Yep, I know how to spell it still, RF, and I'm not buying it.

Your Fantasy Team Sucks When

Inspired by my defending championship team in the SFFOL, a 14-teamer. I'm 1-7.

You know your fantasy team sucks when...

It’s Week Eight and you are looking at Mark Sanchez and Jon Kitna on the waiver wire because your other quarterbacks are Kevin Kolb and Shaun Hill.

You contemplate re-naming your team to "The Red Shirts"

You are counting down the days to the start of fantasy baseball season.

You picked a rookie running back in the second round of the draft.

You look forward to beating another team for the sole reason it will fuck up their playoff chances.

Other owners refer to you as the “easy win”.

Your girlfriend’s team is better than yours and she picked players based on their cuteness.

Other owners don’t bother to substitute bye-week players in their lineups when they play you.

The Carolina Panthers are outscoring them.

You win a game and other owners suggest you should change your name to the Blind Squirrels.

So your turn...you know your fantasy team sucks when...