Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Who can stop this blonde menace?

Leigh addresses the HBFFL...

There is a terrible tyrant at the top of the standings, and the task of toppling this despot falls to Renal Failure this week. And the Failure is up to the task. Why?

Because Renal Failure is the People's Champion.

See, Leigh is the Queen of Fantasy Football, and it's always the People who rise up to overthrow an abusive monarchy. And a 101-point margin of victory over The Ramblers more than qualifies as abusive. And Renal Failure is just the team to help the people rise up and cast off these oppressive chains. Why?

Because Renal Failure is the People's Champion.

Yes, Leigh put up more points in one week than Renal Failure has put up in the last two. Yes, Leigh has not only the top quarterback but the top two running backs in the league as well. Yes, Leigh destroyed the us in Week Four 121-94 and also has a four-game winning streak just like we do. But that doesn't matter here in Week 13. Why?

Because Renal Failure is the People's Champion.

If Leigh wins this week, she just doesn't beat Renal Failure, she beats The People. She beats all of you (and clinches the number one seed in the playoffs while putting our playoff hopes in the Intensive Care Unit). This week we are all Renal Failure. It's like being Spartacus, but less greasy.

But even though the task is tall and the Queen is most formidable, there is something in The People's favor: Matchups. Super QB Drew Brees plays a tough Tampa Bay defense and Adrian Petersen has to run against the Bears. The People's running backs Chris Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew have favorable matchups against Detroit and Houston, and Philip Rivers has Atlanta who is 23rd in pass defense. Unfortunately Terrell Owens also gets to play against a porous Seattle squad, but we can't make it easy for the People's Champion now can we?

The People have spoken, and they want freedom.

Tuesday Morning QB: All hail, the Queen of the HBFFL!

So as I mentioned yesterday, Leigh spanked me again, but I didn't have the final score included then. However, this morning in the comments of that post, Leigh rubbed it in: "Actually, the final score was 168-67, and the margin of victory, in itself, was more than what 8 of the other teams scored," adding "but I'm humble."

Hell, she doesn't have to be humble. With a combined 85 points, her top two players, Drew Brees and Michael Turner (who would've thunk, Brees and Turner?!?), outscored my entire team and that wasn't even counting T.O. and Steve Smith with a combined 53 points themselves.

In fact, I will go so far as to crown Leigh the Queen of the HBFFL, because that's what she is. With a record of 9-3, she stands alone atop the standings.

queen leigh

Yeah, yeah, you show her some respect, beyotch.

No second guessing here today or talking about percentages. Leigh's got them all covered.

You rock, Queen Leigh, and in your honor, a little Queen:

I tried to find an appropriate Queen Latifah video, but none of them really worked, although this one is pretty close to working.

For all you ladies in the house...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Spanked again!

spanking in school

Leigh puts the hurting on me again. In our first meeting, she spanked me 107-66. So far, this time, with one game left, she has gone

on my ass again 123-32, and she looked damn good doing it too, thanks to big days from both T.O. and Michael Turner. Fantasy slut.

More analysis on my feature Tuesday Morning Quarterback tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Some weeks you're Ralph Macchio, other weeks you're William Zabka

Things can wildly change from week to week here in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League... like the mood of a bipolar drunk girl whose phone calls to her boyfriend are going unanswered.

Last week, Renal Failure were the plucky underdogs against heavy favorite La Machine, and the Failure won with big games from unlikely players such as Joseph Addai and Hines Ward (and as always Larry Fitzgerald). This week, armed with a three-game winning streak, Renal Failure (6-5) now finds itself as the Apollo Creed/Clubber Lang/Ivan Drago to the Googly-Eyed Goons' (4-7) Rocky Balboa. Even worse, momentum and the projected stats are with the Failure... which as we've seen before can only mean disaster for us.

Or does it?

All is not meek and mild on Paula's roster of Goons. She fronts the third and fourth best receivers in the league, and running back Kevin Smith (who I released earlier in the season when he apparently had polio)has been on a hot streak lately. That's very bold for an underdog team. Too bold.

And this isn't the same Renal Failure as seen in previous outings. The waiver wire brought us the bounty known as Steve Slaton (thanks Ramblers), giving the Failure the deepest running back corps in the league (even deeper than Fantasy Virgin's Adrian Petersen/Michael Turner/Matt Forte/Cedric Benson quartet). When it comes to the RB and W/R positions, there is little chance that we can't find a quality match-up for maximum pointage.

Three games are left in the regular season and Renal Failure finds themselves one game out of the Top Four. Even if we win the rest of our games, there's no guarantee that we make the playoffs. Depending on what La Machine, Fantasy Virgin, The Ramblers, The White Strypers, and Predator Press do with their remaining games, we could be on our way to a tie-breaker situation so massive that Donovan McNabb would still not be able to understand it even with flowcharts and puppets.

Tuesday Morning QB: Lessons learned

Don't taunt your opponent in the comments on his blog.

Well, while I did shamelessly taunt Canucklehead in last week's edition of Tuesday Morning QB, I didn't taunt him in the comments on his blog-- and as a (I believe, direct) result, won 85-69 against his What the Canuck? team.

Don't believe everything you read.

Even though some sites that I frequent are high on a player (Tim Hightower) doesn't mean said player will actually put up high scores (unless you're in the world of Sesame Street and 3 is a big number):

Don't believe a player's previous game's stats.

T.J. Houshmandzadeh had only 65 yards for a whopping 6 fantasy points in Week 9 against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

This week, he had an eye-popping 149 yards and one touchdown for an ass-kicking 25 points.

Don't believe the hype.

On paper, based on records, La Machine and The White Strypers should have destroyed Renal Failure and Washington Crooks, respectively.

But both acronymic RF and AoE pulled out the win over two guys just content to use their real names Chris and Matt. Now that I'm using the UR symbol, maybe my luck will change:


Names of teams sometimes don't reflect the level of experience of a team.

Leigh is no fantasy virgin, as she now stands alone atop the HBFFL with an 8-3 record. If I dare say it --and I dare-- she is a fantasy slut.

Unfortunately, for me, I am facing Leigh this week, and last time I faced her I was spanked 107-66.

Next week's No. 1 lesson learned: Don't bring up past losses to an opponent you're playing that week-- and, oh, don't call her a slut, even if in jest.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Oh The Humanity!

My abysmal score this past week reminded me of this clip from the classic 'Turkeys Away' episode of WKRP in Cincinnati...

...only Les Nesman was recording my team's crash and burn.

Congrats to Renal on the win and everyone else who has beaten me so far. Let's see if you can best me in the post season.

Clinging to my guns

Washington strikes again!!!

My 401K is down 45%.
I'm being forced to take a 2-week break over Christmas as a result of the bad economy.
Keith Olbermann and Bill O'reilly have invaded my dreams. (not in that way...yet)
Gas prices are forcing me to go without eating.
Obama wins, and yet I still may have to see Hillary for the next 8 years.

And now, the Crooks from Washington place a major stumbling block in the path of the Strypers to gain the first title of the HBFFL.

Nearly ever player on the Washington franchise outperforms the "Expert Analysis" from Yahoo.

Not even the Beyonce ad on the right-hand side of the yahoo page could help the Strypers from getting beat. Jay-Z be damned.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Still around... at least for another week

When your wide receiver, running back, and tight end put up only one point between the three of them, there's only one way you're going to win that week... if your opponent doesn't show up.

But our luck of facing teams who have forgotten to field full lineups has run out. Now we've got first-place La Machine this week and it doesn't look good, even on a Tuesday. The leading scorers in the league are projected for 94 points while Renal Failure is projected for 83... and Chris hasn't even put in his usual starters Santana Moss and Clinton Portis yet.

(Note: Paula's Googly-Eyed Goons are in a similar position, as Leigh's Fantasy Virgin is projected for 99 points to Paula's 88, but it looks like she can't really improve upon that lineup.)

Also going against us is the fact that the last time Renal Failure had a two-game winning streak The Ramblers whipped out an improbable Dallas Clark 21-point game to take us down.

(Note: TE Kellen Winslow put up 28 this week for Rickey Henderson's Menchwarmers... what is it with tight ends and causing pain for Renal Failure? And Chris has Tony Gonzales... super...)

So this week we find the trends are against Renal Failure, making us the spunky underdogs in this struggle. So that would make La Machine the snobby rich kids' camp from across the lake who want to shut us down. And how do you win against the snobby rich kids' camp? You drill holes in their canoes, spike their lunches with laxatives, and have sex with their hottest girl so that she helps you instead of her jerk boyfriend who takes her for granted. What that translates to in Fantasy Football-speak, I'm not sure. But I'm sure it involves big weeks from Chris Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew, everyone on La Machine having strokes, and AOE trading me Anquan Boldin for shiny trinkets and blankets full of polio.

Renal Failure is one game behind The Ramblers for that last playoff spot, along with Predator Press. The Preds have the Menschwarmers this week and the Ramblers have possible bad karma from last week lingering over them on top of a tough match-up against What the Canuck? It's going to be a messy race for that last spot, and some teams might not have towels.

Tuesday Morning QB: Delayed karma

This week it wasn't so much instant karma as it was delayed karma, which brings me to:

Rule #338 of Fantasy Football: Don't taunt your opponent in a comment on one of his/her blog entries.

To wit, on Friday I commented on a post by Matt of That Tears It..., who coaches The White Strypers, in a, let's say, less than encouraging manner. To his post titled "Top 5 Kicks in the Crotch," among which he counted Michael Jordan in the 1997 and 1998 NBA finals putting the kabosh on the Utah Jazz, I had this to say, and I quote:

I was a huge Jordan fan, and I'd like to say I feel for you on those Jazz losses, but sorry, not really. ;) However, I still think this was a funny post and not just because the Jazz lost.
Matt's well-articulated response:
Jordan is swine.
I must have forgotten that I was playing Matt this weekend in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. So not surprisingly, delayed karma got me as I got my ass kicked: 101-62.

Kudos, Matt.

So reminder to self: this week if you go to visit Canucklehead's site, since you are playing his team, What the Canuck?, don't say anything that will come back and bite you in the ass. For example, don't mention that:
  • you really aren't a beer drinker (although you occasionally like a Canadian whiskey),
  • you hate hockey (even before Sarah Palin besmirched its image, which didn't need much help to be besmirched anyway)
  • not only do you not know any of the answers to the questions he's asking for a contest to win an ad for a month on his blog, but also
  • you do not have the time or inclination to scroll back through hundreds of his posts to find the answers.

At least, I didn't put any of that in a comment to one of his posts, huh?

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Quick! Where Does Anquan Boldin LIVE?

Predator Press


Yes there is a massive reward for anyone who provides Predator Press custody of Anquan Boldin for a good ... oooo I'd say maybe 24 hours.

We have calculated the he has had a string of 1425 unanswered "Bad Hair Days," as evidenced by the attached photo with numerous "$" symbols on it.

... We just want to ask him a few questions, really.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Leave Canucklehead Alone!

You know - I'm speechless. And that does not happen very often. Really.
I start the season out just awful (you suck Brady) -- resigned myself to the fact actually.
But wait ... what's that sound? The tables ... they are turning.
This is going to be great! Oh, no - wait ... I suck again. (C'mon Bills!)
I've decided to turn to my rock - my source - my touchstone to do my speaking for me ...

So ... go ahead ... hit me baybee one more time!


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Hollow victories are still victories... they just echo

Renal Failure is pleased that they were the only team to crack the 100 point mark in our much-needed victory this week... however, intellectual and professional honesty must point out that our opponents The Washington Crooks would have had us beat if AOE remembered that Chris Chambers was on a bye had played the only other eligible wide receiver on his bench, Derrick Mason.

Then again, after getting beat two weeks ago by a 22-point day by a tight end we firmly believe the Fantasy Football gods owed us a solid.

And so the Failure stands at 4-5 after one go-round through the league, only two games behind the four-car pileup taking up the primary playoff slots. Unfortunately the schedule doesn't look kind for us. Renal Failure is a combined 1-4 against the remaining teams. Yes, one of those teams is The Menschwarmers (1-8, but we're the 1) and Rickey's been the deadbeat dad of the HBFFL, but that just means that this is the week Rickey starts paying attention, mainly out of spite because Renal Failure roots for the World Fucking Champion Phillies and Rickey supported the non-playoff-making Mets.

After that it's La Machine (the only other team in the league to score more points than the Failure), Paula's Googly-Eyed Goons (also 4-5 and hungry for a playoff spot), Fantasy Virgin (no one give her a good second receiver or we're all dead), and Predator Press (who beat us by 55 in Week 5).

But you can't count out a team that has put up 888 points in 9 weeks. At least not for another week or two. Renal Failure has the top kicker (David Akers) and defense (Da Bears) in the league, Philip Rivers is third in quarterback points, Larry Fitzgerald is second for receivers, and Chris Johnson is sixth in points for running backs. If Maurice Jones-Drew finds some consistency and Bernard Berrian can keep up his torrid pace, we'll have to re-institute the 120+ rule for defeating the Failure.

At the very least, Renal Failure has a lot of attractive talent to trade for. At the very middle, Renal Failure has the capability to spoil a lot of teams chances for the playoffs. At the very best, Renal Failure will be a team you won't want to face in the first round of the playoffs.

Tuesday Morning QB: If only...

If only...

I thought for this week's Tuesday Morning QB, I would play a game of "if only" in honor of the election. On my own blog, I wrote a post based on what might happen if McCain-Palin wins in response to a letter from Focus on the Family on what they thought might happen if Obama-Biden wins. Here, I thought I'd write what could have happened in two games: the game between Chris Cameron of Angry Seafood's La Machine and Leigh of leighonline's Fantasy Virgin, and the one between myself and Lobo of Predator Press. Each of the two games were close, with Leigh edging Chris 89-87 and Lobo edging me 86-81.

However, Leigh could have had even more points, if only she had played Donald Driver at wide receiver, who played in 45 percent of leagues and had 24 points, she could have had even a larger margin of victory. Instead, she chose to play Chansi Stuckey (uh, he's wide receiver for the Jets, in case you've never heard of him, I hadn't) who had a whopping zero points.

Luckily, she was led by Matt Ryan, played in a mere 28 percent of public leagues, with 23 points and Adrian Peterson, played in only 24 percent of public leagues, with 24 points. So she didn't have to worry-- well, not too much.

Meanwhile, on Chris' side, if only he had played McNabb, played in 82 percent of public leagues, who ended up with 34 points instead of Cutler, played in 75 percent of public leagues, who had 32 points, he could have secured a tie, at least.

And if only he had played Chad Johnson, played in 55 percent of public leagues, instead of Kevin Walter, 48 percent of public leagues, he could have had Johnson's 14 points instead of Walter's lousy four points.

I could have secured a tie in my game with Lobo if only...

I hadn't played Plaxico Burress, 89 percent of public leagues, who had three points and instead had played Jerricho Cotchery, 65 percent of leagues, who had six points...


I had played Willie Parker, 34 percent of public leagues, with 13 points instead of Steve Slaton, 62 percent of public leagues, with 11 points.

THEN if only I had played Arizona's D, played in only 29 percent of public leagues, which ended with 14 points, instead of Pittsburgh's D, 71 percent of public leagues, with 13 points.

I would have won by ONE point.

Tomorrow, the REAL if only begins with all the political pundits. No matter who wins, I'm just glad we don't have cable or satellite so I won't have to hear it 24-7.