Friday, September 30, 2011

Purple Drank Ready for Renal Failure

So far I have beaten Un-Ramblers, a team whose owner uses non-tv alternatives for catching live NFL games.

I have beaten Bald Spots with a crushing 154 fantasy points, brushing off his 38 from Brady and 34 from V Jax.

I beat What The Canuck? by 48 points initially until the fantasy football gods rained down another two yards for Ray Rice in stat corrections. It became a 49-point victory.

So here we are in week four and my 3-0 team faces the defending champion, 2-1 Renal Failure. It looks to be a battle of cracked ribs, Johnsons vs. a Johnson, and in a odd twist each team having their QB play against one of their top WR's on the real-life field.

Even the guy living in his mom's basement projecting fantasy points for Yahoo has called our game a close one.

But this is Purple Drank we are talking about here. My team manufactures points like a China sweat-house produces IPads. And we have a lot more fun. (They don't get 'Tussin breaks.)

It can only mean one thing for Renal Failure...

Bad news!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Making the Best of a Bad Fantasy Football Season

So, it's the third week of the season, your team is 0-3 and your squad is the football version of a M.A.S.H. unit. Things do not look good.

Can you go on an improbable 9-1 run and make the playoffs?

Nope. But you can do a few things to make the best of it.

Enhance your trash talk with some spin on your record

If you are 3-0 it is easy to bust your fellow owners' balls about how awesome your team is. 0-3 not so much. So you gotta get creative and put some positive spin on your abysmal showing to date. How about something like this:

"My team is technically 0-3 but it really is 3-0. The players I started were the right plays but the stats just didn't work out this time."

Those two sentences alone make your team sound more bad ass than it really is and elevates the trash talk to hypothetical situations, of which there is no escape for your fellow owners. You could argue all day in that arena and never lose.

Pick up players with really cool names

If you can't have players that produce you can at least have ones with funny names. And there are many to choose from, including: Owen Marecec, Rock Cartwright, Naufahu Tahi, Ovie Mughelli, and Madison Hedgecock.

You can also make corny jokes like "my team is gonna win because I'm riding on the Owen Marecec express."

Become a sanctuary for wayward players

Even Terrell Owens needs a home. Won't you give up that second defense so Terrell can have a warm bed and a place to play at an uninspiring level?

See how easy it is to make the best of your awful fantasy football season?

You got any ideas of your own? Leave them in the comments below.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tuesday Morning QB: Just One Move

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

As for the others in this league, with three out of the four other games decided by 50-point margins and one decided by 10 points with a manager who had no one on the bench who did any better, there is nothing they could have done differently to avoid being royally screwed.

Give Up?
What I found via Flickr (thefixer) when I looked up "royally screwed"
for an image to use and seems to fit so well except the part about "never give up."

With the game between me and Bald Spots being decided by only one point, with me being the frog in this case, to the tune of 82-81, I basically had just one move I could have played differently that would have made me the snake...

...I could have played Denver running back Willis McGahee, who had 22 carries for 52 yards and three catches for two yards and a touchdown against Tennessee, for 11 points over Detroit running back Jahvid Best, who had 12 carries for 14 yards but redeemed himself in the receiving category with five receptions for 74 yards, for eight points.

Sure, it only would have been a two-point win, 84-82, but at least, it would have been in my favor.

If you had to make just one move different on your fantasy football team's starting lineup this week, what move would YOU have made?

Monday, September 26, 2011

2011 HBFFL Week Three Fantasy MVPs

Wes Welker is so awesome he humps the ground after each catch because even the field is his bitch. He is also this week's highest scoring MVP.

We also have a tie in the quarterback position and it does not involve Tom Brady. He's absent for the first time this season.

QB1: D. Brees 35 points (370 yds, 3 pass TD's, +5 300+ yds, 2 INT, 2 2pt conversions)
Bourbon Blasters

QB2: M. Sanchez 35 points (369 yds, 2 pass TD's, 1 rush TD, +5 300+ yds, 1INT)
What the Canuck?

RB: D. McFadden 36 points (171 yds, 2 rush TD's, 1 40+ rush TD, +5 100+ yds)
Predator Press

WR: W. Welker 39 points (217 yds, 2 rec TD's, +5 100+ yds, 19 rush yds)
Bourbon Blasters

TE: R. Gronkowski 27 points (109 yds, 2 rec TD's, +5 100+ yds)
Purple Drank

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 4 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds, 40+ yd TD 2 pt; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds, 40+ yd TD 2 pt; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts)

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Multiple Scorgasms Spared as Preds Week 3 Lineup Killed by Falling Satellite

Predator Press


As I write this, Darwin McNuggets has scored 34 points against the Colts. This is the equivalent of Michael Vick throwing the Patriots, the Dolphins, and a bear into space, where Brady would proceed to throw the bear on a course to intercept Voyager and screw up a lot of Star Trek plotlines -minus Las Vegas and/or heroic doses of amyl nitrates, thick, visibly-zippered rubber costumes and Styrofoam geographical features tend to offend my evolved and highly-cultured sensibilities. So -since Gene Roddenberry is already dead- I've decided to preoccupy myself by interviewing internationally-renown golf legend Speedcat Hollydale instead:

LOBO: Speedcat, what is the strategy to win your next golf tounement?

Speedcat: I'm going to try to get the ball in the hole.

And there you have it.

-Back to football.

(PS: Does anyone know where George Lucas lives?)

Friday, September 23, 2011

Purple Drank Aint Scared

What does my top-scoring, 2-0 team think when Renal Failure acquires Megatron? When do we play them, that's what.

We are not scared. At all. Don't sing it bring it.

But I do have to keep my 'Tussen-enabled squad from looking ahead on the schedule. This season I am making sure Purple Drank concerns itself with one team and one only: each week's opponent.

This time around it is none other than What the Canuck?, the team that traded away Calvin Johnson.

At first glance his lineup might not seem so formidable post-deal. But I don't like these kinds of matchups because they have the feel of a certain potential outcome...

Yup, a trap game.

Miles Austin is out. Schaub vs. the Saints.

Bah I say. Bah! Trap game be damned. I've got one of his beloved Bills Stevie Johnson and a stacked lineup. What does that mean for What the Canuck?

Bad news!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Week 2: Welcome to Cybertron!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure

Who's that blasting holes through robots? It's the newest member of the Renal Failure roster, fools!

Over the past two seasons, Renal Failure has been known to pull off a major trade that gives them a boost into the championship game. This season, your People's Champion pulled off that trade way earlier than usual.

Renal Failure acquired Calvin "Megatron" Johnson from Canucklehead, along with RB Ryan Mathews in exchange for QB Mark Sanchez, RB Fred Jackson, and the New York Giants Defense. And Megatron paid immediate dividends with a 14-point day to help give Renal Failure a 109-88 victory over HBFFL newcomers Multiple Scorgasm.

Losing to Renal Failure is a painful experience, but it's like an HBFFL rite of passage...

Things weren't all tits and beer for your People's Champion. Brandon Lloyd was a last minute scratch in the 4pm game, and Chris Johnson is still working off the rust from his holdout. Hell, we even expected more than Kicker Billy Cundiff's decent 7 points because he's Billy Fucking Cundiff, that's why.

However, the things that were tits and beer were really nice. Tony Romo made a triumphant comeback after breaking a rib and possibly collapsing a lung to put up 32 big points at the QB slot, Jason Witten continues to steadily produce at the TE position, and LeSean McCoy has established himself as a major fantasy force with being the top scoring running back in the league after two weeks. Sure Fred Jackson is the second-leading scorer and we shipped him off to What the Canuck? but he was just going to waste those points on our bench behind CJohnson and Shady McCoy. Besides, he got us Megatron, and that will bring us some stability at the always volatile WR position.

Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory smiles on Renal Failure yet again...

Week Three sees another HBFFL newcomer Troi and his Future Ex-Cons step into the People's Arena to taste for themselves what every other team in the HBFFL has sampled: the fierce flavor of defeat by Renal Failure.

Note: Chris needs to trade us Stevie Johnson so Renal Failure can have a trio of Johnsons, which will lend itself to plenty of jokes in future posts.

Tuesday Morning QB: The Walking Wounded

So what is it I/you would have done differently with my/you fantasy football team this past week if only I/you had had a crystal ball before this past weekend's games?

Um, duh!

We wouldn't have played the following players who became injured (including one who is out for the season) and would have looked for a replacement on the waiver wire or on our benches:

2011 Michael Vick
2010 Philadelphia Eagles Schedule - DeSean Jackson
#23 Arian Foster
2011 Jamaal Charles
Perfect Stranger 002 - Braylon Edwards.jpg

The last one, out of uniform and looking like a pimp daddy, is Braylon Edwards, who now plays for the San Francisco 49ers. I doubt the others need any introduction, and I know (hell to the no, sung to this song) that I don't need those first two introduced to me since they were the main reason I went down to defeat to rookie (and Canadian, no less -- turning my head to spit and then actually doing it) manager nonames by a tune of 127-92.

As if that wasn't bad enough, he had to use Jackson's teammate...this guy...


Of course, he's wearing a different uniform than he did in his college days, but this was the only photo labeled for reuse that I could find online that didn't have copyright restrictions. I'm not even going to bother to spit out his name, since I did my share of spitting earlier in this post. Instead, I'll let nonames chant his name in the comments like some warriors in a Mel Gibson movie since I already hear that abominable name ringing in my ears...

...they fought like Canadians and won their first game in the HBFFL.

From top to bottom, photos from Flickr, courtesy of: Hawk Eyes, RMTip21, The Brit_2, Hawk Eyes (again), Benjamin Chodroff and Wunderlich Photography.

So if you had that crystal ball, what would you have done differently this past weekend on YOUR fantasy football team?

2011 HBFFL Week Two Fantasy MVPs

Miles Austin is a creepy looking dude but he outscored all other MVP's this week.

QB: T. Brady 38 points (423 passing yds, 3 Pass TD's, 5 pt 300+ yds)
Bald Spots

RB: A. Peterson 31 points (120 rush yds, 2 rush TD's, 21 rec yds, 5 pt 100+ yds)
Future Ex-Cons

WR: M. Austin 39 points (143 rec yds, 3 rec TD's, 1 40+ yd TD, 5 pt 100+ yds)
Purple Drank

TE: D. Keller 21 points (101 rec yds, 1 rec TD, 5 pt 100+ yds)
Future Ex-Cons

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 4 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds, 40+ yd TD 2 pt; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds, 40+ yd TD 2 pt; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

We Miss Tom Brady

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure

The inventor of throwing bears into space... who if he was on our team would have greatly mitigated Wes Welker's big day against us...

Your Champion Renal Failure no longer has the pressure of trying to go undefeated this season, as they dropped their first game of the season to the Bourbon Blasters 122-106.

Much of Joe's victory can be attributed to Drew Brees' 37-point and Wes Welker's 35-point bear-in-orbit days, supplemented by Beanie Wells' 16-points. The day could have been worse if Steven Jackson didn't hurt himself after the first carry in his game vs. the Eagles.

Renal Failure's day was highlighted by LeSean McCoy's 32-point bear, supplemented by decent days by Tony Romo (27 points) and Jason Witten (16 points, which is really good for a TE). Even Billy Cundiff beat his projected score with a 9-point day. But the other members of the Renal Roster didn't show up. Chris Johnson was working off the rust of holding out for all of training camp with a paltry 6 points. Mario Manningham only managed 4. We also expected more out top-scoring WR of 2011 Brandon Lloyd, who got a decent 8 points before leaving with an injury.

Okay, he had a bad Week One, but he'll be gold when Week 14 rolls around... and hopefully we'll be in the playoffs so it will matter...

So your People's Champ didn't start off the year so well. Not a problem. We didn't start off last year too well either (going 2-5) and we turned it around to not only make the playoffs but win the championship. We put up 106 points, which would have beaten 6 out of the 9 teams in the HBFFL who aren't Renal Failure, so there's a good scoring foundation on this team. Romo is no Brady, but he's serviceable. Witten has us solid at the TE position. The RB corps is solid. All right, so we have some WR scoring issues, but that's a perennial issue for us and we usually fix it either through the waiver wire or trades. The season's not a wash... yet.

Losing still hurts... no matter how much we tell ourselves otherwise...

We get another shot at Joe and his Bourbon Blasters in Week 10, and Renal Failure is known for dominating revenge games (except for ones against Chris, but we'll fix that). But we'll worry about in nine weeks. For Week Two we get Multiple Scorgasms, headed by HBFFL newbie Mark. We need to welcome him to the HBFFL in the most HBFFL way possible: with a savage beatdown from the most dangerous franchise of the HBFFL, better known as Renal Failure.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Tuesday Morning QB: No and Yes

Welcome to another year of Tuesday Morning Quarterback where I look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have done differently with my (their) fantasy football team(s) for that previous week's game.

As for me, even though I lost 124-101 to Purple Drank here in the HBFFL, I wouldn't have done a thing differently as far as my lineup.

Let's review the starters: Vick at QB, Greg Jennings and DeSean Jackson at wide receivers, MJD at running back, Owen Daniels at tight end (other choice: Lance Kendricks, also had 1 point), Jahvid Best at flex (had Felix Jones but had same number of points: 11), Stephen Gostkowksi at kicker and the Patriots defense. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no. In case you missed it:

It's a No!
Courtesy of on Flickr

As for others, the only one in our league who might -- and hindsight is always 20/20 -- have played his cards differently than he did was Mark of Multiple Scorgasms. He played Pierre Garcon at wide receiver...where I would have gone with Chad Ochocinco just because Peyton Manning was out. At tight end, I would have gone with Aaron Hernandez over Tony Gonzalez, just because Hernandez was on fire from last year.

Yes, Mark still would have lost 99-90, but would have looked more respectable and at least would have tied for the lowest score with Future Ex-Cons instead of getting the lowest score.

So yes, he still would have sucked...but not just as badly. However, he set himself up for failure when he made his team slogan: "If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you just SUCK!" Um, self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?

Courtesy of Andy Welsh on Flickr

We have a winner..., I mean, a loser.

Wait, make that two losers when you count me too.

I'll let Beck take us out with a song for both Mark and me:

2011 HBFFL Week One Fantasy MVPs

QB: T. Brady 46 points (517 passing yds, 4 Pass TD's, 1 40+yd TD, 1 INT, 5 pt 300+ yds)
Bald Spots

RB: L. McCoy 32 points (122 rush yds, 15 rec yds, 2 TD's, 1 40+yd TD, 5 pt 100+ yds)
Renal Failure

WR: W. Welker 35 points (160 yds, 2 TD's, 1 40+ yd TD, 5 pt 100+ yds)
Bourbon Blasters

TE: J. Witten 16 points (110 yds, 5 pt 100+ yds)
Renal Failure

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 4 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds, 40+ yd TD 2 pt; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds, 40+ yd TD 2 pt; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Troy Polamalu Diagnosed with Vitiligo

Predator Press


Troy Polmalu receiving the
vitiligo diagnosis -June 11, 2011

Troy Polomalu leaving the NFL
lockout negotiations -July 11, 2011

Troy wonders if vitiligo in any way
will effect his penis -June 12, 2011

Troy after seeing the horrible, ravaging effect vitiligo
has wrought upon his penis -July 12, 2011

An ill-fated prank, the Pittsburgh Steelers replace
the greasepaint in Troy's locker -July 15, 2011

Now in advanced stages of the disease, it is becoming
increasingly difficult to conceal -September 10, 2011

Friday, September 9, 2011

Championships Go Better With Purple Drank

All I can say is you better hope you can handle the Purple Drank because it will eff you up if you are not prepared. Underestimate my squad and you will wake up on Tuesday mornings in a strange place missing your wallet. And you'll take another loss in the standings.

Let's look at my bomb roster (I'll spare you the round-by-round synopsis):

QB: Schaub, Cutler
RB: Rice, Turner, Blount, Starks, Sproles
WR: Wallace, Austin, Collie, Stevie Johnson, Evans, Sims-Walker
TE: Gronkowski
D: Atl
K: Henery

Most weeks this is what you will face when you play me this season:

QB: Schaub
RB: Rice
WR: Wallace
WR: Austin
Flex: Turner/Blount
TE: Gronk
D: Atl
K: Henery

This will be you...

Thursday, September 8, 2011


Predator Press


First I would like to greet my esteemed friends, respected colleagues, and Renal Failure, and welcome all the co-members and fans to what will doubtlessly be another white-knuckled HBFFL football season.

Personally appearing at the first HBFFL live draft was a difficult undertaking ... I had spilled out of the emergency room only hours before. But in the face of a universe that conspired against it mightily, I was there.

One could argue I need not have appeared at all. I had ranked players, and an absolute, galvanized Faith in those rankings -plus I would spend about 60% of the draft on autopick anyway.

“But LOBO,” the vast legions of Predator Press fans cried. “You can‘t use computers to pick your football team! Computers are good at one thing and one thing only ... Pornography!

Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves and then jumped from tall buildings. But this is my second year of experimenting with mock drafts, so I'm not only well-rehearsed, but I have a pretty good understanding of the autodraft "logic."

My plan was to attempt a "hybrid" draft -to get the first five-to-seven highest value players on autodraft, only intervening if/when something crazy was about to happen (or inevitably, when the early kicker was on deck in round eight). At that point I would override the auto and take over, rounding out the team with my own personal picks. (And with the afore-mentioned difficulties merely getting to the live draft punctually, I needed that extra time to get the tricycle and sections of picket fence out of my car's radiator before the neighbors spotted them anyway.)

So I'll bet those vast legions of doubters that immolated themselves and/or jumped from tall buildings are feeling pretty fucking stupid right now: Matthew Stafford, Kenny Britt, Julio Jones, and Plaxico Burress all earned the dubious distinction of donning a Preds uniform this year, picked at my own personal hand. But in my battered physical condition, the second half of the draft was a war of attrition -completely out of gas and addled, multi-kickers be damned, in roughly round twelve I checked out.

-Well, maybe 'keeled' is a better word.

Like any "regular" autodraft, I woke hours later to a lot of unfamiliar faces thinking, “Who the fuck are these guys?” Worse, multiple kickers, defenses and tight ends -exactly what I had been trying to avoid.

Or was it?

See I should have expected some buyer’s remorse for the first half of the draft. Remember (admittedly with a few notable predraft rank exceptions) I had cast my personal opinions, expectations, and prejudices almost completely aside, and put my faith in the handicapping mathematics. I had to: at the time Arian Foster was 'Tweeting' everything short of the Texans' playbook, and the disgruntled Chris Johnson was likely to roll late into camp hungover, 200 pounds overweight, and covered in so much Cheeto dust he looked like a Bengal. Besides, following my so-called football "instincts" last year nearly proved disastrous ... with the lockout and subsequent vacuum of player data, this year seems fraught with even more peril.

So rather than building a team I thought would be great, I got the best five players I could and built my team around that. Simply put, post-draft I was underestimating these unfamiliar faces: I would need to learn the hard way why those assholes at the drive thru keep laughing at me when I order a McFadden with french fries and a Coke. Stat.

And while multiple kickers and defenses are almost universally scorned, in my bold and inventive semi-auto draft I defied convention there too. They do have an upside, and to
console myselfarticulate why I don’t share everyone’s low opinion of them, I’m going to first force you to read the following lengthy and excruciatingly-detailed discourse about something else for which I'm oft chided for overvaluing:

Score Projections.

Let’s say I have two defenses one week. One is projected to get ten, and one is projected to get fifteen. In most cases I take the fifteen -but not with the expectation to get fifteen points. See I think the projections are mathematical articulations of mismatches, and the greater the mismatch usually the greater the score. I think of it as a “Tug of War” of probability: if my opponent is projected to get one hundred and I am projected to get one hundred and ten, this is how much more force I’m using to pull that “W” to my camp and away from theirs. Is it infallible? Hell no. Far from it in fact. I’m often taking Roethlisberger over Stafford despite numerous projections to the contrary.

With an extra kicker and defense in my chamber, I go over the season to look for trouble spots. Where am I losing that “Tug-of-War?” Where is it too close to call? While imperfect, the projections become a great tool to highlight these areas. In Week Six, I'm minus ten. In Week Nine I'm minus seven, Week Ten I'm tied, and in Week Fourteen I'm minus ten again. This is invaluable data, and here is where the extra “placeholders” I drafted become relevant: sure maybe you can know exactly what you're getting ... but how can you know what your opponents are getting? You could have the greatest draft in the world, but this projection information illustrating holes in your schedule won’t be available until now, after the draft.

If necessary, at this point I go to the Waiver Wire and see who is strong on those weeks, plug them in replacing the ‘expendable’ roster spots with them. There’s nothing better to overcome a ten point projection deficit without traumatizing my team than a defense and kicker combination. The “Tug of War” is set.

It's also worth noting I don’t necessarily consider the kickers and defenses my least-valued and expendable. There's only so many spots in which you can deploy superstars, and -like it or not- that kicker, defense and tight end slot is in your lineup every week too. So why wouldn't you put them to work for you? These supposedly "ineffectual" spots might not mean much individually, but collectively they can amount to quite a bit -in total, scoring comparable to an additional superstar. Further, there's a consistency about them: I've had second-round draft pick Calvin Johnson bring in six points in one matchup, while a good steady kicker gave me ten to twelve all year long.

Finally a good, solid backup for all positions will give you a little peace of mind, and a little peace of mind goes a long way. There’s nothing I hate more on Sunday morning than poring over the rumors, “Who is hot? Who is starting? Who is on IR?” -rather than gearing up the snacks and beer and just to enjoy the football.

(That said, I'm sure I'll be doing it anyway.)

Recommended Reading: Chris Cameron articulates an excellent TE, K, and DEF drafting technique while explaining the mechanical aspects of the autodraft (should you ever choose to employ it) in detail here.  Various HBFFL authors expound on their past draft strategies here. Pre and mid-season surrenders, as always, are being accepted here. "LOBO" also butchers grammar, punctuation, and the English language in general here at

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Fantasy Football Gods Dont Like Canada

What the Canuck? won the best draft award...

...and soon thereafter defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory, courtesy of the HBFFL gods of fantasy football. Mere hours after Canuck had chosen Payton Manning in the second round, and Reggie Wayne in the fourth, and the draft was over the news broke that Mr. Endorsement won't be back anytime soon.

In 2008, What The Canuck? lost Tom Brady to a torn ACL/MCL in the first quarter of the first game of the season. It was a disturbance so great even Obi-Wan Kenobi felt it.

And our other Canadian owner, nonames was not spared either. Dallas Clark, his fifth-round pick now has Kerry Collins throwing him the rock. But if Collins gets a good speed going on his scooter he can hit Clark in stride. So there's that.

Maybe the HBFFL fantasy football gods have issues with the CFL and the 110-yard field. Or they don't like Doug and Bob McKenzie. Who knows.

But they sure do love laying the smackdown upon the Canadian owners.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

The People's Draft 2011 - WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure

This first-ever HBFFL Live Draft is over, and the Defending League Champion and People's Champion Renal Failure has loaded up their roster with another championship-caliber roster. Let's review Live Draft 2011...

First Round
Given the third pick overall, Renal Failure snatched up RB Chris Johnson for another season. Last year CJohnson was on our roster as the number one pick overall in the 2010 draft. Yes, he held out all of training camp, but he'll be good to go for the season, especially late in the season when we'll need him most.

Second Round
18th pick overall - RB LeSean McCoy. Shady is a busy man in the Eagles offense, so he'll have a lot of chances to rack up points for the People's Champion.

Actually Renal Failure drafted Ines Sainz's superior posterior with our first pick, but Yahoo! didn't have her ass on their draft board so we had to go with Chris Johnson...

Third Round
23rd overall - QB Tony Romo. He missed most of last year with an injury but before he went down he was lighting it up, so we expect a huge comeback year for Romo (even though we on the Failure hate the Cowboys).

Fourth Round
38th overall - TE Jason Witten. The 2nd highest scoring TE of 2010 makes his way back to the Renal Roster to give us stability in the always tricky Tight End spot. We almost took him in the third round, nervous that he wouldn't be there in 15 picks. But we needed a QB and took our chances.

Fifth Round
43rd overall - WR Brandon Lloyd. We picked him from free agency obscurity last season and watched him become the number one scoring wide-out of 2010. We'll see if he can do it again in 2011.

Brandon Lloyd also made it onto the rosters of two other Renal Failure-managed fantasy teams in other leagues. It's like we're the only ones who respect the leading scoring receiver of 2010...

Sixth & Seventh Rounds
RB DeAngelo Williams and RB Marshawn Lynch. Renal Failure loves stocking up on running backs, so we got ourselves some depth/trade bait with these two picks. Carolina and Seattle both have bottom tier quarterbacks, so they will depend a lot of running the ball, which means big opportunities for these two backs.

Eighth & Ninth Rounds
WR Mario Manningham & RB Fred Jackson. We needed another WR and were fortunate that Manningham fell so far down for us to take. His 2010 were decent and should improve now that Steve Smith is in Philly. With Fred Jackson, we were surprised to see him fall down that far that we couldn't pass on taking him and leaving no doubt that we've got the deepest RB corps in the HBFFL.

The Renal Failure Running Back Hydra has returned.... take warning!

Tenth, Eleventh, & Twelfth Rounds
WR Sidney Rice, WR Malcolm Floyd, New York Giants DEF. After stocking up on RB's we needed to get some wide-outs on our bench. Someone has to catch the ball in Seattle, might as well be Sidney Rice. Malcolm Floyd is a favorite target of Philip Rivers. As for the New York Giants Defense, we're blaming that on our internet connection crapping out on us during our pick, thus invoking an auto-pick.

Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Fifteenth, and Sixteenth Rounds
QB Mark Sanchez, WR Johnny Knox, TE Brent Celek, and K Billy Cundiff. Sanchez will do fine as our backup QB. He's serviceable and will be looking to have a huge game in Week 5 vs. New England when Romo is on his bye week. Knox should be Jay Cutler's number one target in Chicago. We wanted to get Lance Kendricks for our backup TE position, but his bye week is the same as Witten's so we went with Celek, who has been a serviceable TE for years. And our last pick punched our ticket to the championship because Billy Fucking Cundiff is the man when it comes to kickers.

Billy Cundiff taught Chuck Norris how to kick... and how to make love to a woman...

There were a few disappointments in the draft. Romo wasn't our first choice for QB (Philip Rivers or Tom Brady were) but we're okay with getting him where we did. Also we were holding out hope that Maurice Jones-Drew would have fell to us in the second round so we could revive our feared backfield from the 2008 season, but that didn't work out for us. We also wanted either Sam Bradford or Matt Stafford as our backup QB to see if they'd develop into strong arms (aka trade bait). We're not worried about our wide-outs, considering our best WR moves were done in free agency rather than the draft. Besides, we can always trade one of our RB's for some WR help later in the season. Renal Failure's always looking to deal.

See you in the playoffs, honkeys!

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 champion of the HBFFL. He gives no quarter, because all his currency is in gold bullion.