Wednesday, August 28, 2013

2013 Draft Report Cards

by Renal Failure

Season Six of launching bears into outer space
It's a new HBFFL season, new teams are in, and the draft is done. Let's see what Yahoo! has to say about everyone's selections with their new Draft Report Card system in order of best grades.

Predator Press - A+ (projected to finish in FIRST PLACE)
Report Card
LOBO autopicked his way to the best pre-ranking draft, picking up Adrian Peterson with the first overall pick and then scoring Brandon Marshall and Chris Johnson with the 20th and 21st picks. Yahoo! also projects PredPress to have the easiest schedule in the league. LOBO will need Colin Kaepernick to have a strong sophomore season to succeed.

Gerrog's Ninjas - A- (projected to finish 2nd)
Report Card 
HBBFL rookie In Cam We Trust didn't get Cam Newton, but did get the second-highest draft score from Yahoo! with Doug Martin and MJD as his running backs, standout Jimmy Graham at TE, Marques Colston and Torrey Smith at WR.  Tony Romo is still Tony Romo.

Kerridan's Okay Team -B (projected to finish 3rd)
Report Card 
It's a Running Back Fantasy World and even HBBFL newbies know that, which is why Kerridan picked Jamaal Charles and Trent Richardson with his first two picks. He rounds out those solid RB's with Randall Cobb and Andre Johnson at WR, and Russell Wilson at QB. Yahoo! says they have the 5th easiest schedule, but may have trouble on bye weeks when all their QBs and RB's are unavailable. Also when will Rob Gronkowski return as a starter? 

Inez Sainz, our Lady of Tight Denim Victory,
give Renal Failure your sexy blessing
Renal Failure - B (projected to finish 5th)
Report Card 
Your People's Champ returns to avenge a horrid 2012 season with an above-average draft. Renal Failure went for depth with Arian Foster, LeSean McCoy, and Lamar Miller at RB. Complimented by Roddy White, Wes Welker, and Jordy Nelson at WR.  Cam Newton is a fantasy point machine at QB, and Snickers seems to think we did good with selecting Emanuel Sanders in the 13th round, naming him a Snickers Super Sleeper Pick when we hit that "draft" button on Tuesday night.  Renal Regular Jason Witten returns to be serviceable at TE for what we believe to be the third straight season.

Unfortunately Yahoo! says we've got the 2nd-toughest projected schedule, but Renal Failure has been known to rise above the expectations and defy the trends.

Delusion of Adequacy - B (projected to finish 6th)
Report Card
RB's go first and second around again with C.J. Spiller and Matt Forte. He'll need big years from Larry Fitzgerald (3rd pick) and former Renal Failure mainstay Dwayne Bowe (4th pick - probably ranked him too high on his board).  At least Matt Ryan is gold at QB.  Yahoo! says they have a weak schedule and have their players' bye weeks spaced out very well.

nonames - B (projected to finish 4th)
Report Card
Nonamedufus took the less traditional route, going QB (Aaron Rodgers) and WR (Dez Bryant) with his first two picks. He didn't grab a RB until the 4th round with Reggie Bush.  But apparently Yahoo looks favorably upon his air attack strategy, complemented with Victor Cruz and Tony Gonzalez. Maybe Eli Manning will be his trade bait later in the season.

Yahoo! says better luck next year to our C-students

Future Ex-Cons - C (projected to finish 9th)
Report Card
The 2013 champ had a merely average draft according to the Yahoo! ouija board. Troi is slated to not make the playoffs, which is usually the fate of the previous year's HBBFL champion (except for your people champ Renal Failure in 2011).  Troi got Beast Mode Marshawn Lynch with his 1st pick, then went with WR A.J. Green.  Peyton Manning went 3rd, so it seems confusing why Troi would go RGIII with his 5th round pick and duplicate our error from last year of having two marquee QB's on the roster.  Perhaps Troi will have better luck finding a trade partner, as everyone in the HBFFL knows to never trade with Renal Failure.

Bald Spots - C (projected to finish 7th)
Report Card 
Yahoo! wasn't kind to Bald Spots. Yahoo! liked his first four picks - Megatron, Alfred Morris, Tom Brady, and Vincent Jackson.  Yahoo! didn't like Bald Spots going with Ahmad Bradshaw in the 5th round. Yahoo! does says that Bald Spots has the best WR corps in the league, complementing Megatron and VJax with Lance Moore and James Jones, but the ground game is often where championships are won. Maybe he can parlay Andrew Luck into some effective trade bait.

Bourbon Blasters - C (projected to finish 8th)
Report Card 
As is the HBFFL tradition, Joe always takes Drew Brees with his first pick. He's hoping Stevan Ridley and DeMarco Murray can overachieve this year, while his WR's Julio Jones and Reggie Wayne can produce on a regular basis. Yahoo! really likes his kicker though: Randy Bullock of Houston. Is he the new Billy Cundiff? (Yes, old Billy Cundiff is still around but he's kicking for the Jets and thus will see scant action this season). Joe also took Michael Vick with his 8th round pick, leading up to believe he'd spend his final pick on Aaron Hernandez, but alas no Team Felony this year (and besides, that's usually LOBO's bag - if only he didn't autopick).
Usually you get a C- just for showing up to the draft.

Purple Drank - D (projected to finish last)
Report Card 
The only below average grade in the HBFFL goes to the league founder.  Yahoo! didn't like him taking Ray Rice with the 4th overall pick, and I happen to agree with that (though that's how we got Arian Foster with the 10th overall pick). Taking Stephen Jackson in the 2nd round completed the basic RB-RB combo.  Yahoo! likes his next two picks at WR: Demaryius Thomas Danny Amendola, but thinks his choice of Matt Stafford in the 5th round was premature and they may have a point. Yahoo! says Chris will have the toughest schedule this year, and he'll have to rely more on his wide-outs and QB's than in previous years. Or he'll hit the living hell out of the waiver wire to fill in those gaps.

Well, see you all in about 16 weeks when we'll know how accurate these projections really were... and if Renal Failure can make a record-setting 4th Humor Bowl appearance for a chance to become the only two-time HBFFL champion.  It's time for another season of brutality!

Four teams make the playoffs, six teams get dropped on their heads

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of the HBFFL, as well as the 2010 HBFFL and FTWL actual champion. Renal Failure coined the Fantasy Football phrase "throwing bears into outer space."