In past HBFFL seasons there's been the issue of absentee owners, those who have bailed on their teams in the last half of the season when competing for a playoff spot has been rendered a bitter memory. And Meaty Clackers qualified as one through Weeks 10 and 11 keeping Nick Foles in as QB and not swapping out injured or bye week players. So when the Clackers appeared on the schedule for a Week 12 game with the People's Champion Renal Failure we thought we'd have as easy a time as Future Ex-Cons did winning 45-32 in Week 11.
Why would you start playing for real now???
BUT NO! For reasons unknown, the Clackers decided this was week to field an actual competitive team. And compete they did, putting up a season high 133 points in Week 13 against Renal Failure. If they had done something similar in Week 10 we'd be in 4th place instead of one game out of the playoffs.
Luckily the People's Champion put up 144. Drew Brees came through with 37 points on Monday night to clinch our victory. Alfred Morris put up 23. Demaryius Thomas excelled in the absence of the other Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders with 26 points. The Eagles D bailed us out with 18 points. And Billy Cundiff showed why is he the HBFFL's kicker of legend with a 14 point day.
So Renal Failure finds themselves at 7-5, still in 5th place behind the Patriots who managed to beat Cranberry Sauce 102-83. Future Ex-Cons stayed ahead with a victory over The DreamCrushers and Mile High Club blew out Bald Spots. But Renal Failure is 3rd in Points For in the HBFFL, so if we can force a tiebreaker situation we're almost guaranteed to win.
All the other teams in the lower half of the league (Predator Press, Cranberry Sauce, Bald Spots, Meaty Clackers, Bourbon Blasters) have been eliminated, but it does not mean that any of the Top Four have clinched a spot. The 9-3 teams (DreamCrushers!, Mile High, and Ex-Cons) need one more win to clinch a spot because if any of them lose their remaining two games and Renal Failure wins their remaining two then it would force a tiebreaker which would likely favor the People's Champ.
Happy Thanksgiving to those who had Calvin Johnson in their lineups in Week 13... like we did in the FTWL.
The Patriots at 8-4 are the closest target for Renal Failure and with Mile High Club (the #1 scoring team in the league) and a recently awakened Meaty Clacker squad left on their schedule they could be the most vulnerable for collapse.
But Renal Failure needs to get through The DreamCrushers! in Week 13, but your People's Champ is projected as a 117-100 winner in this matchup so that's good. That gives us a bit of wiggle room in a league where it is severely lacking.
We're getting down to the wire here, and one out of five teams is going to get fucked out of playoff spot. We're hoping it's not Renal Failure.
Renal Failure is the People's Champion and is 6-5 in the FTWL but is in 4th place where we have the 2nd highest points scored total. We're making the playoffs in at least one of these damn leagues.
Our three-game win streak came to an end at the hands of Mile High Club 115-89. Antonio Brown and Le'Veon Bell had huge games on Monday night, and our Steeler Martavius Bryant (who had been lighting it up) didn't show up. Drew Brees had such a bad day that Jay Cutler doubled him up on points. Even Billy Cundiff soiled the sheets with a 1-point day after weeks of steady kicking.
So the bad news is we remain in 5th and Future Ex-Cons won to jump ahead in the standings. The good news is that the Patriots lost and we're only a game behind them and we have a 60-point advantage in the tie-breaker. Even better news, this week we face Meaty Clackers and they've barely been putting a team on the field the past couple weeks (just ask the Ex-Cons who won 45-32 over the Clackers because the Clackers had three empty spots in their starting lineup).
Playoff implication talk
DreamCrushers! at 9-2 are in with one more win, but they have the toughest schedule out of the remaining relevant teams with Ex-Cons, Renal Failure, and Bald Spots (who beat the Patriots this past week) left on the docket.
Mile High Club at 8-3 needs two wins to clinch or one and some help to clinch. Their remaining games aren't too scary with Bald Spots, Patriots, and Cranberry Sauce left to play. Two wins seems pretty likely on their end.
Same deal for 8-3 Future Ex-Cons but their path to the playoffs may be more treacherous. After the DreamCrushers! this week they play the Predator Press and Bourbon Blasters who, while at the bottom of the standings, have never been easy wins. Ex-Cons could only get one win out of their next three, but that might be enough to get them in.
If you're going to win at fantasy football, you gotta throw a few bears into deep orbit
Patriots at 7-4 are currently on a three game losing streak, but they have an easy schedule with Cranberry Sauce this week, Mile High in Week 13, then a gimmie game against Meaty Clackers to end the season. If they can get to 9 wins, they'll probably get in.
Renal Failure at 6-5 needs to take care of business this week with the Clackers, score an upset over DreamCrushers! then finish strong vs. Predator Press to get to 9 wins and have a chance at the playoffs because no one above them, not even the Patriots, are likely to crash and burn in all their remaining games.
Technically Cranberry Sauce and Bald Spots have an outside chance of getting in, which would require Renal Failure and the Patriots to go 0-3 in these remaining weeks and Sauce and Spots to win all of their remaining games to force a tie-breaker between themselves and the Patriots, which would probably go to Cranberry Sauce because they have 83 more points than the Bald Spots.
Bye weeks are over for the Renal roster, so we're coming full strength for the rest of the season. We have no injury issues, but we've got the depth to deal with it if necessary. We're looking forward to being in the hunt till the very last week, and the People have faith that their champion will be playoff bound in 2014.
Renal Failure is the People's Champion of fantasy football. We are also 6-5 in the FTWL with two other teams. That playoff race is much more interesting.
You do not fuck with Megatron. He rips bears in half and throws them into space...
Third time was hardly charming at all for Chris and his Purple Drank as they fell for the third time this year to Renal Failure, this time in with a savage 135-68 catastrophe. How could this have happened to the Number One seed? Well, the Drank came up small when it mattered. Rob Gronkowski vanished (5pts) as Aaron Hernandez lit up the Broncos, Ray Rice couldn't get going against the Chargers (10pts) and Michael Turner only did what he was projected to do (12pts). Worse was Chris's choice of QB's, going with Andy Dalton instead of Ryan Fitzpatrick. Dalton limped in with 6pts while the Harvard man sat on the Drank bench with 22pts, not that it would have mattered but it would have lessened the brutality on the scoreboard.
As for The People's Champ, your defending HBFFL champ, all we needed was two of our stars throwing goddamn grizzly bears into deep space to beat Purple Drank's whole starting roster. Megatron lived up to his reputation as the leader of the Decepticons by torching the Raiders for 40 absoludicrous points and Shady McCoy racked up an insane 32-point day against the Jets. 72 points from just two players... a prime example of what we've been saying all year: Renal Failure is the HBFFL's most dangerous team. Why don't owners believe us when we say that (aside from LOBO who has been on the trolley for weeks)? With Tony Romo's 29-point Saturday night, this game was pretty much over by the 8:30 Saturday night game between the Ravens and Chargers.
When you have the best record in the league and then get blown out in the first round of the playoffs, it kind of feels like this...
135 points for the People's Champ, and with not a lot of help from some of our regulars either seeing how 72 of those are Megatron and Shady's. CJ2K disappointed, as usual, with a mere 10 points while Marshawn Lynch and Ryan Mathews rocked 16 and 22 points respectively on the People's Bench. We're getting to the point where we're winning despite of Chris Johnson, like we're handicapping ourselves just to see if we can get away with it. Brandon Lloyd didn't have fun with the Bengals, getting only 4 points. Even Billy Fucking Cundiff had a boring 2-point day. We need these guys to turn up their games if we're going to take win in Week 16 and become the HBFFL's first repeat champions.
(Yeah, all y'all teams wish you had taken me up on my earlier trade offers for Lynch and Mathews now, don't ya? Now look at you! Not in the championship game. What? Yeah! Thought so.)
And who is standing in the way of the People's and Defending Champion in Humor Bowl IV? LOBO and his Predator Press again! He barely clawed past the Bourbon Blasters (thanks to the San Francisco Defense and Joe's big point-scorers languishing on his bench), and now we have a rematch of last year's Humor Bowl III, the first time ever in the HBFFL for that. Last year, both teams cranked the knobs to 11 to make the playoffs, and while Renal Failure had to do that again this season to get in, LOBO was the front-runner for most the season and coasted into the playoffs with the 2nd-best record in the league. Does he have the same hunger, the same drive, the same desperation that he had last year? Hardly, considering he left in Mike Williams as his wide receiver this past week (no points). That decision almost cost him vs. the Bourbon Blasters.
Ines Sainz, patron saint of Tight Denim Victory, the People pray to you to grant Renal Failure another glorious HBFFL title, seeing how we finished dead last in the FTWL this year...
LOBO has Arian Foster with an awesomely-good matchup vs. the lowly Colts. Matty Stafford will be throwing the rock a lot against San Diego, unfortunately it will mostly be to Renal Failure's Calvin "Megatron" Johnson). LOBO could start a gimpy Ben Roethlisberger vs. St. Louis, but Big Ben's health seems too big a risk to gamble on. Jermichael Finley has a shot of getting thrown to more with Greg Jennings still injured and Aaron Rodgers being embarrassed by the Chiefs this past week. Michael Bush might have to contend with a returning Darren McFadden for touches vs. Kansas City. At the wide-out position, LOBO will be hoping for surprising days from Nate Washington and Julio Jones.
But LOBO is facing the team he fears most...
Renal Failure is stacked to dominate in this championship game. Big numbers are abound in the Philly/Dallas game as both defenses suck. If Andy Reid can remember the simple equation of "Giving the ball a lot to Shady McCoy = better chance of winning" then that will force Tony Romo to toss the ball often, sometimes to Jason Witten who will not be covered by the Eagles' high-priced cornerbacks. Chris Johnson will be given the chance to redeem himself for this entire season with a juicy matchup against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Megatron is Megatron and will handle himself. Brandon Lloyd will likely have a chance to put up big points in garbage time vs. the Steelers. And Billy Fucking Cundiff is still Billy Fucking Cundiff.
We've revved up the HBFFL Fantasy Football Battle Simulator again. LOBO is represented by the redhead with the rocket boots, Renal Failure is represented by the blonde woman without pants...
The projected score of Humor Bowl IV is 105-97 in favor of... YOUR PEOPLE'S CHAMPION RENAL FAILURE! Funny... last year Yahoo! had LOBO projected as the winner. Seems like this is yet another trend Renal Failure will be breaking this year. We've already defied the universe by making the playoffs. Now let's go the full nine, deny last year's runner-up the crown, and repeat as HBFFL champions. The People enjoy their champion being the actual champion and wish it to remain that way for another year.
Week 16: The Greatest Week in Fantasy Football. Unless you're in one of them weird leagues that don't do their championship game until Week 17.
Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Our reputation precedes us, as does that court order saying don't be within 200 feet of an elementary school.
Some things seem like a good idea at the time... like benching LeSean McCoy...
Renal Failure once again defies all odds, and reason, and laws of physics by becoming the first HBFFL team to make the playoffs the year after winning a championship, breaking the defending champion curse by way of a nail-biting 94-92 victory over Unfinished Person. Going into Monday night, UP was up 92-64, but we still had Marshawn Lynch and Brandon Lloyd left to play. Beast Mode scored 22, Brandon Lloyd got 8, sealing the win for your People's Champion in what has to be the grandest comeback in HBFFL history.
WILD CARD, BITCHES! 4-2-1 in the 2nd half of the season! Another strong finish for Renal Failure. Only the Bourbon Blasters had a better 2nd half record than your People's Champ.
But in all honesty there's not much to feel good about with this win. UP lost DeMarco Murray early in the Dallas/New York game and Greg Jennings got injured in his game vs. Oakland in the third. You might say they left their games "unfinished." However, UP got huge days from MJD (37 points) and Marques Colston (27 points) so it's not like UP was starving for points, though he wished Michael Vick put up more of a fight than 12 points.
Nonamedufus sees that his Week 14 win over Multiple Scorgasms was for naught...
Your People's Champ almost pulled what Chris did last week: The Self-Inflicted Lineup Screw Job. See, we looked at the matchups for Week 14 and saw that Marshawn Lynch was playing against the weakest run defense in the NFL and thought "Hey, this might be a good week to start this guy. And he's been throwing up big bear-in-space points lately." That meant making a choice between benching Shady McCoy or Chris Johnson. Shady was up against a tough Dolphins run defense, CJ2K was at home vs. a Saints defense that doesn't scare anyone. CJ2K was projected for 16 and had been on a roll lately, McCoy was only projected for 12 and the Eagles were getting back Vick who can run the ball into the end zone himself with ease, so we trusted the numbers and benched McCoy. And it was true that McCoy had trouble gaining yards vs. the Dolphins, but he also got two touchdowns. CJ2K had just as much trouble vs. the Saints and had no scores.
Hey, we started the season with CJ2K screwing us over, that's how we were going out!
So yes, in retrospect we can clearly see how placing our entire season's hopes and dreams on a Rams/Seahawks game wasn't really the intelligent play we originally thought it would be. And as we went into Monday night your People's Champ had just about resigned ourselves to the notion that we had hara-kiried our season by trying to be oh so fucking clever. Not that the rest of the Renal regulars did much of anything to help. Mighty Megatron (3pts) and Jason Witten (1pts) were outscored by Billy Fucking Cundiff (6pts). Only Tony Romo's ridiculous 39-point day was keeping things competitive. But our gut feeling paid off, and Beast Mode and Brandon Lloyd came through for the People, returning Renal Failure to the playoffs with a marginally better record than last year (8-5-1 in 2011, 8-6 in 2010). And we're super glad we got that tie vs. Multiple Scorgasms because we would have lost the tiebreaker with NoNames.
Just when you think you have Renal Failure beat, they get 30 points on Monday night and hit you with a mid-air RKO/Diamond Cutter...
So... opening round of the playoffs... and look who's waiting for us: Chris and his Purple Drank. What do we know about Purple Drank? We know we've beaten them twice this season. We know he's solid at RB with Ray Rice and Michael Turner. We know he's got the top TE in the league with Rob Gronkowski. But we also know his QB situation is dire with Andy Dalton and Ryan Fitzpatrick being 13th and 14th in QB scoring.
But what do you know about Renal Failure? Did you know LeSean McCoy was the highest-scoring RB in the HBFFL? Did you know that Marshawn Lynch is 6th and has been sitting on the Renal bench for most of the season alongside the 10th-leading rusher Ryan Mathews (hey, we wanted to make some deals but no one wanted to play Let's Make a Deal with Renal Failure)? Did you know Megatron was 2nd in the league in WR points, or that Tony Romo is 8th in QB points, or that Jason Witten was one of only four tight ends this season to break 100 points? Did you know that CJ2K sucked ass for most of the season, only getting double digit points in six out of 14 games and still is the 12th-highest scoring RB in the HBFFL?
Well, now you know and knowing is half the battle!
The other half of the battle? Not losing your goddamn mind...
Yahoo! is projecting a 103-92 victory for... RENAL FAILURE? Against the 10-4 Purple Drank? How can this be? Well, CJ2K is running against the winless-for-a-reason Colts, Shady McCoy will be running on a Jets defense that is weak on the ground, Megatron will be snagging down touchdowns vs. the Raiders, and Tony Romo will be throwing all day vs. the Buccaneers because that makes more sense than handing the ball to Felix Jones. Sure, Chris has a good matchup with Ray Rice running roughshod over the Chargers and Rob Gronkowski going up against the inexplicable Broncos, but as stated before he still has Andy Dalton and Ryan Fitzpatrick as his QB's. That has to make Chris feel a bit queasy, pinning his playoff hopes on them.
The only trend Chris has going for him is that he's 1-0 in playoff games vs. Renal Failure. But as Week 14 showed, Renal Failure breaks trends. And wins games.
Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We finished dead last in the FTWL and lost our opening playoff game this week in our third league. Playoffs in our fourth league don't start until Week 16 but we've already clinched a spot. Three playoff berths in four leagues... not too shabby.
Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.
Last week prior to my matchup with him, Renal Failure asked me if I was this brutal.
Even though he might not have known it then, my wife and I don't have children (by choice)...
...so the answer, before I even faced him, was HELL NO.
But when you think about it, that's pretty sad. Renal Failure probably could take at least 30 Justin Biebers in a fight, spit them out for breakfast and then eat them again for lunch. Dinner? Forget it. He'd devour a posse of Jonas Brothers and Jonas Brothers wanna- bes without blinking an eye.
I was flinchingly unbrutal in my contest against RF this past weekend as my players let injuries get the best of them.
Sunday afternoon, Greg Jennings sprained his left knee in the third quarter of his Packers' game against the Raiders.
Then Sunday night, DeMarco Murray suffered a broken right ankle in the first quarter of his Cowboys' game against the Giants.
Instead of playing through their injuries and propelling me to an upset win over RF to keep the People's Defending Champion *spitting* out of the playoffs, they left their respective games...
....but not respectably as each only scored TWO fantasy points.
I told our league's commissioner, Chris Cameron, that I wouldn't use this word in this post. However, after both Jennings and Murray let me down to a 94-92 loss to RF, I'm going to say it:
No "Boom! Headshot!' for Chris this week... your People's Champ was just too quick.
Renal Failure sweeps the regular season series vs. Chris with a 99-97 victory over Purple Drank. CJ2K has peaked at the right time with a huge 34-point day, complemented by LeSean McCoy's 24-point effort vs. Seattle (an effort dwarfed by Marshawn Lynch's 33pts sitting on my bench... bet all you team wish you had taken me up on my BEAST MODE trade offers now, honkeys!)
Other than that, the starting Renal Roster came up small. Tony Romo was one yard away from the 300-yard bonus (18pts), Jason Witten did not see the end zone (4pts) and neither did Brandon Lloyd (3pts) or Megatron (7pts). Houston's D hasn't been panning out like we hoped (4pts) and even Billy Fucking Cundiff disappointed (6pts). On the Renal Bench, Michael Crabtree outscored both Lloyd and Megatron (17pts). Even Carson Palmer had a better day at QB (21pts). So did the NY Jets Defense (8pts). Few things hurt a Fantasy Football owner more than leaving points on the bench.
Chris don't know the sort of pain Renal Failure knows...
Chris might have outfoxed himself out of a win this week, benching normal starter Michael Turner for Lagarrette Blount. Turner ground out 4pts, Blount only managed a singular point. Usual-starter Stevie Johnson sat on the Purple Drank bench with 11pts while Chris went with Laurent Robinson who only got 7pts. If Chris doesn't tinker with his normal lineup, he wins Week 14 against the People's Champion.
Not that Chris didn't have a good week. Rob Gronkowski rocked a 3TD 24-point day, which is absurd for tight ends. Ray Rice marched up 32-points against a tough Cleveland defense. Mike Wallace got a solid 15-points against the Bengals. Unfortunately, no one else on the Purple Drank roster had good days. On top of Blount's singular point, Andy Dalton had a weak 10-point day. Even kicker Alex Henery had a sad with only two points.
To conclude Week 13: both teams had players throwing bears into orbit, cancelling each other out. Ultimate victory came down to scores of the non-bear-throwing teammates.
Renal Failure has a simple strategy for victory, and that's why we're the HBFFL's most dangerous franchise...
The last game of the regular season sees Unfinished Person returning to give us an opportunity to avenge our Week 5 loss. Unfinished Person gets Michael Vick back, though Miami has been playing tough defense and the only Philadelphia Eagle worth a shit lately has been Renal Failure's Shady McCoy as Desean Jackson has lost interest in the season. Greg Jennings is still a danger since Aaron Rodgers throws him the rock, MJD is MJD, and DeMarco Murray has been a decent pick-up (we know because we have him in other leagues bringing us good numbers).
Too bad for Unfinished Person that Renal Failure has caught fire in the second half of the season, as usual. Along with Shady McCoy's usual top tier performance against anyone he plays, Tony Romo and Jason Witten will be in an NFC East shootout for first place vs. the Giants. Megatron will be pulling down passes all day against a Minnesota defense that let Tim Tebow run up 35 points on them. Brandon Lloyd should be all right vs. Seattle. And as always, Billy Fucking Cundiff is Billy Fucking Cundiff.
You know shit's gotten real when we invoke the power of Ines Sainz, our Lady of Tight Denim Victory. May her hotness bring us a playoff berth and another championship...
As of this posting, Yahoo! is projecting a 106-85 victory for your People's Champ. We like our odds considering this is a revenge game for Renal Failure, and no one does revenge like we do. Plus a victory clinches the final playoff spot, breaking the vicious HBFFL cycle of champions not making the playoffs the year after winning it all. UP would like to be a spoiler, but we just don't think he's bhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifrutal enough to do so. You need a cold heart to properly enjoy ending a team's playoff hopes, a vicious brutality that makes people look at you and slowly back away with abject horror. Are you that brutal, Unfinished Person? Maybe, considering you're starting Michael Vick.
Brutality is our speciality. Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to ruin the dreams of every person you meet...
Speaking of playoffs, here's what the playoff picture looks like in this last week of the HBFFL regular season.
Multiple Scorgams, Bald Spots, What the Canuck?, Future Ex-Cons, and Unfinished Person have been eliminated from playoff contention, but if Bald Spots beats Canuck by more than 15 points Bald Spots gets into the consolation playoffs to compete for fifth place vs. Ex-Cons, UP, and whoever misses the actual playoffs (more on that below). Canuck would get 9th place.
Predator Press and Purple Drank have clinched playoff spots. A PredPress win clinches them the first seed. A PredPress loss and a Purple Drank win ties them for first, with Purple Drank currently ahead in the Points For tiebreaker by 67 points.
Bourbon Blasters clinch with a win or with a loss and both Renal Failure and NoNames losing as well.
Renal Failure clinches with a win or with a loss coupled by a loss or tie by NoNames.
NoNames can clinch one of two ways: easy and hard. The easy way is to win their game vs. Multiple Scorgasms and for Renal Failure to lose vs. Unfinished Person. The hard way is winning vs. Multiple Scorgasms, Renal Failure winning, and Bourbon Blasters losing. That sends Bourbon Blasters and NoNames to the tie breaker where Bourbon Blasters currently have a 44-point edge in the tie-breaker.
So yeah, the postseason picture is a lot simpler this year, but no less exciting. And your People's Champion is ready to defend their title in the playoffs because that's what the People demand.
Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We've made the playoffs in two of the other leagues we're playing in this year, but not in the FTWL where our season had crashed and burned four weeks ago.
Play this video twice to get the full brutality of Unfinished Rambler's weekend in Fantasy Football...
Your People's Champion is heading back to the HBFFL Championship by way of a 104-81 victory over The Ramblers. And doubly upsetting for the Ramblers is that they also lost against us in LOBO's FTWL league as well, leaving not even a quantum of solace for the Unfinished One and his impressive fantasy season (10-4, with a league-leading 1407 points, 7 more than Renal Failure) after missing last year's playoffs. But Rambler thought he could harness the power of Ines Sainz but cutting it with a little Jenn Sterger, and Our Lady of Victory smote him with great vengeance and furious anger... and tight pants.
Rambler's end can be traced to his team catching the injury bug late in the season, losing Frank Gore for the year in Week 12 and Aaron Rodgers for at least Week 15. Other teams had been bitten by injuries earlier in the season (like Renal Failure) and had made the proper adjustments to their lineup come playoff time. Rambler, whose lack of depth had already been exploited by Renal Failure earlier this year during RF's season-saving five-game win streak, was left to depend on Jon Kitna for his playoff life, as well as Deion Branch, Rob Gronkowski, and BenJarvus Green-Ellis in an attempt to mitigate Tom Brady's potential bear-tossing damage.
Now, the Kitna plan would have worked out just peachy keen for Rambler (33pts) except for the fact that Kitna was throwing a lot to Renal Failure's Jason Witten (25pts), thus negating all of Kitna's hard work (which we totally foresaw in last week's preview) . Also, Rambler's multiple Patriot gamble backfired because he didn't play the one Patriot that Tom Brady threw his scores to against Green Bay, Aaron Hernandez (16pts on the Rambler bench, compared to the 2pts Gronkowski got from Brady; we suspect Rambler was scared off from starting Hernandez because he was coming off an injury). Also Brady had a mediocre 20-point day vs. the Packers, translating into worse days for Branch and Green-Ellis (though Ramblers choice of New England for his defense was really good, 15pts). And with Rodgers out, Rambler put his boundless faith into Arian Foster, who hadn't had a bad week all season... until now. Five points for the Number One Running Back in Fantasy Football. Yeah, Rambler's season was pretty much over once the final gun sounded on that Tennessee/Houston game with Foster laying an egg at the worst possible time. Underperformance by your stud players is a pain Renal Failure knows all too well... and would like other teams to share...
Revenge is a dish best served busty and scantily clad...
Chris Johnson was back on his game for The People with a 24-point day against the Texans. Even with Tim Tebow under center, Brandon Lloyd got 13 points (and pretty much accounted for all of Tebow's passing yards too). But the People were disappointed with Peyton Hillis's weak 7-point game, as well as with Dwayne Bowe's 5-point blah game with Matt Cassel returning as Chiefs QB. Weaker than that was the Tampa Bay defense getting a big fat zero against Detroit. But at least Matt Bryant kicked himself a 1o-spot vs. Seattle.
So who will be Renal Failure's opponent this year in Humor Bowl III? It's LOBO and Predator Press, pulling off the 4th seed upset over the first place 12-2 regular season champ Bourbon Blasters 134-69. Michael Vick threw a 54-point bear through the wormhole and into Peacekeeper territory, along with Vincent Jackson's 33-point mauling of San Francisco. Joe lost Knowshon Moreno early in the Broncos game, though it would have made little difference if he had played the whole day considering the margin of victory LOBO racked up on the Blasters.
Funny thing is, Joe beat LOBO last week, which actually gave LOBO the 4-seed and the playoff rematch. But Joe's not wishing he would have tanked that last game, for then Renal Failure would have been the 4-seed and still would have beaten the Blasters. So Joe, you were damned if you did, damned if you didn't, and now you're playing for 3rd place against the Ramblers.
The only HBFFL team to have a worse two week span than Joe is Bryan and his Bald Spots team. Not only did their loss to absentee Team Krapsody knock them out of the playoffs in Week 14, but in Week 15 as the 5-seed in the consolation playoffs they got beat by 8-seed What the Canuck? after Adrian Petersen was deactivated for the Monday Night Vikings/Bears game. Such a rough way to end a good season for the Bald Spots.... going 7-2 and then losing the last four of five to miss the playoffs... then falling victim to the 8th-seed Canuck. At least if he lost to an American he could salvage some bit of pride. That should make him hungry for next year for sure.
Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy would like to point out that La Machine beat Team Krapsody to move on to see who finishes fifth. They would also like to point out that, for the good of keeping his intestines on the inside, LOBO should seriously consider starting Ben Roethlisberger instead of Michael Vick.
Anyway, back to Predator Press... LOBO has been found guilty in the People's Court of trying dick-ride our Ines Sainz devotion to fantasy football success, and next week Renal Failure has the chance to carry out the sentence on him in not just the HBFFL but his own FTWL as well, considering he won his playoff game there too. Can the People's Champion become an actual champion? Can Renal Failure be a multiple league champion? Or will the HBFFL be cursed to suffer the reign of a manager who averaged over four roster changes a week in 2010? Plus, keep in mind this is a revenge game as LOBO squeaked out a win against your People's Champion in Week 7. And you know how much Renal Failure loves revenge games because NO ONE CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE THE WILD CARD, BITCHES!
And we look good in black leather too...
Our preview of HUMOR BOWL III and the grand finale of the 2010 HBFFL season will be later this week. Until then, keep waving those Renal Failure towels high in the air.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure is in the championship game in three out of the four leagues they are in, and is a firm believer that Farscape is the far superior science-fiction show than the overrated crap known as Firefly.
Ines Sainz has done more for denim than Levi Strauss...
We're going to try to make this short because we've been busy as of late, trying to squeeze in some Christmas shopping in between devotional services to Our Lady of Victory. Renal Failure is projected to win 110-91 vs. The Ramblers. Let's break this down into its component parts.
Much of Renal Failure projected score comes from Chris Johnson's 25 projected points vs. Houston (reasonable considering Houston's weak defense), Peyton Hillis's 17 projected points vs. Cincinnati (sort of reasonable considering the Bengals suck), Tom Brady's 23 projected points vs. the Packers (highly reasonable because it's Tom "Bear NASA" Brady), and a surprising 12 projected points for the Tampa Bay Defense vs. Detroit (maybe not that reasonable because of all the injuries the Bucs have had lately).
Rambler's got some issues. Sure, he's still got the Number One RB in the league in Arian Foster, but he's going to be without his big-time QB Aaron Rodgers this week because of a concussion, placing his playoff victory hopes on Dallas' Jon Kitna. Amongst other problems with depending on Jon Kitna is that Renal Failure is starting Jason Witten at TE, a popular target of Kitna last week. Rambler looks to counter that by starting as many Patriots as he can, such as Deion Branch, Rob Gronkowski, and BenJarvus Green-Ellis. And while we see some value in that plan, it's not fool-proof because Tom Brady spreads the wealth. If Wes Welker, Aaron Hernandez, and/or Danny Woodhead have a big game, it's going to kill Rambler's chances of winning against his nemesis.
No sugar for us, Rambler. We're sweet enough...
What will win or lose this game for your People's Champion is whether Brandon Lloyd and Dwayne Bowe can turn things around after playing wretchedly the past two weeks. Lloyd's going to have Tim Tebow throwing the ball this week vs. the Raiders and Matt Cassel might return for the Chiefs to take on the Rams. Both of these things do not instill a lot of confidence with The People, but unfortunately other options at WR aren't very good this week. Hines Ward and Chad Ochocinco have tough match-ups against the Jets and Browns, and Minnesota is down to their third-string quarterback so Sidney Rice isn't likely to do much.
We're expecting to see Renal Failure in the championship game again, much to Rambler's dismay. But being eliminated from championship contention will allow the Unfinished One to pursue other things in his quest for completion. And since we're the ones who will alleviate him of his Fantasy Football burden, we'll give him a suggestion...
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure will probably lose to Rambler in the FTWL league that LOBO runs, but that league doesn't have its own blog on which to talk enormous amounts of smack so we don't feel as bad if we get beat over there.
Our Lady of Victory Ines Sainz is so powerful that she went into a nightclub restroom with Ben Roethlisberger and he was the one who came out crying, and missing his jersey too...
The People rejoice and sing the glory of Ines Sainz and her tight jeans, for they have brought forth a Fantasy Football miracle to the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. After going 2-5 to start the season, Renal Failure rattled off an impressive and inconceivable six wins in seven games to leapfrog from 9th place all the way to 3rd, claiming a spot in the HBFFL playoffs.
(Note: Yes, Joe did win 7 straight to end the season at 12-2, tying our record last season for most wins in a regular season, but he didn't win those games with even a fraction of the zazz that we did.)
Speaking of Joe, we done heard that Joe had considered benching all his starters so that LOBO would win and we wouldn't make the playoffs, but Ines Sainz appeared to him in a dream, with angels wings and tight-ass pants, and told him "Do not be that guy," and preached to him the Gospel of Herm Edwards: "You play to win the game." See, we played to win last season on Week 14 when Joe needed us to beat Canuck to get a playoff spot. Well, we didn't win, but the effort was there and we're sure Joe appreciated us trying our best and not being douchebags. Anyway, Joe's Bourbon Blasters beat LOBO's Predator Press 124-119 in a close game.
But even if Joe had gone Full Metal Douchebag and tanked the last game, it still wouldn't have mattered because Team Krapsody pulled off arguably the biggest upset in HBFFL history, beating the Bald Spots 73-58 without starting an active running back or tight end (if only Static was around to witness it). Bryan's team shit the bed at the most inopportune time, and tragically, even with the great season Bryan had this year, it cost him a playoff spot because Bald Spots lost the tiebreaker to LOBO and Renal Failure. Yes, that means that despite being the only team to lose to Bex's Battling Butterflies, Predator Press snuck into the playoffs as the four-seed (even with a fucking ridiculous 67 roster moves in 2010, 28 more than he had in 2009).
And La Machine's long shot to sneak into the playoffs fell short as they lost to the Ramblers, not that Chris would have gotten in if he had won anyway because he would have lost the tiebreaker to LOBO and your People's Champion. Still, Chris had hope (and Matt Schaub's 44 points sitting on the bench because he was riding the Eli Manning train, whom he acquired from Renal Failure, all the way to 6th place), and hope is all any Fantasy Football owner really has.
Well, enough of that... let's get to what you came here to read about: Finally... Renal Failure has come back to the playoffs! And we're squaring off against our old friend The Ramblers, who we beat in Week 9 during our epic season-changing run. The Unfinished One wants revenge for this year's loss and last year's as well, but how well can his quest for vengeance go without Frank Gore and with Aaron Rodgers fighting off yet another a concussion? Vengeance is what he wants, but disappointment may be all he'll get in Week 15.
We play to win the game so we can talk some more entertaining smack, because Fantasy Football without Renal Failure just isn't as interesting...
We'll touch briefly on our 111-65 victory over Canucklehead. Chris Johnson got back to his bear-throwing ways with 28 points vs. Indianapolis, Peyton Hillis got his mojo working again with 16 points vs. Buffalo (no TD's though), and even Jason Witten decided to get in on the action with 2 TD's and 69 yards receiving for a big old 18-point day vs. Philly. But the big story on the Renal Roster is once again Tom Brady proving that he can throw bears in any climate, putting up a big 35-point day vs. Chicago in a blizzard. Forget Michael Vick's season, Tom Brady is your MVP for dominating in all climates, hot and cold. Tom Brady could go to Venus and rack up 300+ yards in the air with three TD's on that planet of swirling methane.
But glorious victory does not mitigate our extreme disappointment in what used to be the most feared receiving duo in the league. Brandon Lloyd had another disappointing day, only getting 3 points vs. Arizona, and Dwayne Bowe once again scored nothing. Meanwhile on our bench, Hines Ward is making himself relevant again with a 16-point day vs. Cincy. Chad Ochocinco had a nice 7-point day there too. Even Sidney Rice, with Brett Favre gone, put up double than Lloyd and Bowe combined. Fellas, this is not the time for shit to go wrong. We might as well have not made the playoffs if this is how our feared weapons are going play. Rambler will blow us out of the water if we don't have our shit down tight.
We lost our sledgehammer too... it was called Dwayne Bowe scoring touchdowns habitually.... Anyway, back to Week 14, Canucklehead just didn't have enough weapons in his socialist Canadian cupboard this week. Sure, Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne had nice days (32 and 15 points a piece), but that was it for What the Canuck? as Thomas Jones did marginally better than Brandon Lloyd with 4 points, as did WR Stevie Johnson. The only thing Canuck could have done to have had a better day was swap out Percy Harvin, who didn't play on Monday because of migranes, and put in Tim Hightower, whose 31 points would have made the score very uncomfortably close for Renal Failure to bear, especially if he had started Lance Moore instead of Stevie Johnson because Moore's 13 points added to Hightower's 31 would have given Canuck the victory, thus ending Renal Failure's playoff hopes.
And so we bid the 2010 regular season "adios," as they say in Ines Sainz's mother tongue, and welcome the 2010 Playoffs. The People will continue to give offerings to Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory so that the prophecy of a Renal Failure champion will come to pass. Never mind that we just declared the prophecy now, all that matter with prophecies is that they are declared before the event happens.
The power of Walken compels you...
We see that Rambler is trying to get on the Ines Sainz bandwagon. We'll have our Opening Round Playoff Game review regarding how she will smite him for his audacity later in the week. Until then, stay thirsty my friends.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure went 8-6 in this league, 8-6 in LOBO's league, 9-3 in a short-handed 7-team league, and 6-7 in a 14-team league in 2010. Three of those teams made the playoffs, and it's pretty obvious which one didn't.
We are pumped for Week 14. We are incoherently pumped for this. This is why you play Fantasy Football, for these sorts of arbitrary situations that you have no control over.
A loss eliminates Your People's Champion Renal Failure from playoff contention. A win keeps them alive momentarily, depending on the outcomes of the Bald Spots/Team Krapsody and Predator Press/Bourbon Blasters games. A loss by either one of those teams and your People's Champion is playoff bound as a Wild Card, bitches. We'll have pulled off a dramatic 2nd half-of-the-season comeback, winning 6 out of our last 7 games to salvage a 2-5 start.
But if we lose... well, it's likely that we'll take it poorly. A season full of promise, starting with having the Overall Number One pick, ruined by injuries and misfortune. Our machinations and dealings to make a floundering franchise viable and strong again... rendered futile. And worse of all, we won't be able to keep up the HBFFL trend of the team that lost the previous year's championship winning it the next year. We have an obligation to uphold that tradition, even though it's only happened once before.
The Canadian Destroyer... that's what we hope to be this week...
Yahoo! has Renal Failure projected to win 110-71, and a lot of those points are based on a 20-point projection for Bear NASA founder Tom Brady vs. the Bears (we'll be disappointed if he doesn't put up at least 30), a 22-point projection for Chris Johnson vs. the Colts (seems high considering his putrid performance the last two weeks, but Indy sucks against the run and Chris Johnson fucking owes us big time), and a big 23-point projection for Peyton Hillis vs. the Buffalo Bills (now that seems ridiculously high, even vs. the Bills who can lock it down sometimes). Still, the 10 points that Brandon Lloyd is projected for vs. Arizona is reasonable, as is the 10-spot the Tampa Bay defense is projected to get vs. Washington. We even like Dwayne Bowe's 8 projected points vs. San Diego and believe he'll have a good chance of exceeding it.
But the low-ball 71 score seems rather reasonable for Canuck. Peyton Manning has not been very Peyton-ish lately, and that means Reggie Wayne's numbers will suffer. Jamaal Charles is splitting carries with Thomas Jones, and Percy Harvin won't be targeted as much now that Sidney Rice is back for the Vikings. Without a big day from the Manning known as Peyton, it doesn't look good for Canuck, and that looks damn good for The People's Champion.
Ines Sainz... no one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we lost in Fantasy Football. All that matters is that Renal Failure stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Ines Sainz... so grant me one request. Grant me the playoffs! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!
We'll know after Monday night (because Canuck has Todd Heap and you never know when a tight end will throw a bear into orbit) whether your People's Champion is heading back to the playoffs or whether we've just missed the playoffs like we did in '08. Until then, keep fucking that chicken.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure has Peyton Manning in another league, but we've already clinched a playoff spot there so it's perfectly fine if he shits the bed this week .
Sunday Afternoon in the Renal Failure Doom Bunker...
Well... this was rather unexpected. Your People's Champion went from putting up the highest point total this season in the HBFFL to every starter not named Tom Brady deciding not to perform in a pivotal Week 13 game containing playoff implications and the chance to get triple-vengeance on Chris. Well, at least Tom Brady threw up a 45-point bear into orbit to keep the score respectable. Still, a 87-79 loss, whether to Chris or not, still burns the People's brisket.
Chris Johnson struggled for the second consecutive week, only putting up 5 points on a weak Jaguars defense. Peyton Hillis had his worse performance of the year vs. Miami with 7 points. Dwayne Bowe went from throwing bears into outer space to not getting a single point vs. the Broncos. Even Brandon Lloyd was a ghost against the Chiefs with 3 points. Jason Witten was the only starter not named Tom Brady to break double-digits (10pts).
But it's not like our bench did any better. The only player on the Renal Bench to do anything this week was Sidney Rice's 27-point day, and that's only because Brett Favre got knocked out of the game and Tavaris Jackson came in and slung the ball to Rice the rest of the game instead of chucking interceptions like Brett Favre usually does. How could we have forseen that? And after the weeks that Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd have been having, would you have benched them in favor of Rice or Mike Williams (11pts)or Chad Ochocinco (9pts)? The People doubt it.
Feels like Week Four all over again...
What is it about playing Chris that makes all of our players decide to stop all that scoring they had been doing before (even Fred Jackson who had been lighting it up the past two weeks had a sucky day)? Because our last three games against La Machine have been horrid bed-shitting affairs for your People's Champion. No shootouts, no bear-launching competitions, just most of the Renal Roster laying down and fucking dying on us at the most inopportune time. We were second in the league in scoring coming into this game and we were first in the league in scoring going into last year's championship game, and on both occasions we put up a pittance of points vs. La Machine.
But this time around it wasn't like Chris had an awesome day. Other than LeSean McCoy and Cedric Benson, his team put up blah numbers that most teams would have stomped on (well, at least the ones with actual owners and not dead-beat dads). Former Renal Failure members Eli Manning and Marcedes Lewis only got 8 and 3 points respectively for La Machine, which might have Chris questioning AGAIN why he makes trades with us. Terrell Owens had a respectable 10-point day, and Roddy White had a serviceable 7 vs. the Bucs. Again, nothing special on the La Machine side; they just happened to suck less this week, but that's how you weather those lean times in fantasy football. Ines knows we've done it plenty of times before.
Ines Sainz... why have you forsaken us in our time of need? We still believe...
So now Renal Failure is 7-6 and no longer in control of their playoff destiny. The 11-2 Bourbon Blasters have clinched the top seed with The Ramblers' loss to the Bald Spots (8-5), but Rambler (9-4) clinches a playoff spot anyway. Predator Press eliminated What the Canuck? (6-7) from contention to move up to 8-5 and La Machine stays alive for another week at 7-6. Your People's Champion needs to win their Week 14 game vs. Canuck and then hope for either a Bald Spots or Predator Press loss to force a tie at 8-6 for the last one or two remaining playoff spots. Then it would go to the tie-breaker regarding Points For, which the People feel good about winning because Renal Failure is 89 points ahead of PredPress and 45 points up on Bald Spots. A bit of a problem with that plan is that Bald Spots are playing absentee Team Krapsody in Week 14, so it looks like we're going to be in the awkward position of rooting for Joe and his Bourbon Blasters to help keep our season alive by beating LOBO senseless, even though it means Joe would tie Renal Failure's regular season record for most wins in a season. But we will trade vanity for a playoff spot, especially if it means we play Joe in the first round. He may have the third-most points in the league, but he's only breached the 100-point mark four times this season. Other than that he's consistently hovered around the 80-90 point range all season. The People believe he's vulnerable.
La Machine could still make it in Chris beats The Ramblers. Chris also needs Renal Failure to lose because Chris has a 98-point deficit to make up if both teams finish 8-6. Chris also needs PredPress and Bald Spots to lose so he can tie them, but he has a better chance of overcoming the 9-point deficit he has with LOBO, though not so much the 53-point deficit to Bald Spots, but you never know when a team will either completely shit the bed or catapult all of the Gummi Bears into the farthest reaches of our galaxy.
Dashing and daring... courageous and caring... but can they breathe in the void of space?
Of course, if Renal Failure chokes in Week 14 or both LOBO and Bryan win the People's tie-breaker advantage and our miraculous run to get back into playoff contention ends up being for naught, but the Wild Card (bitches!) of the HBFFL are confident they can score a Wild Card spot by preventing a repeat of last year's regular season finale where we lost to Canuck. Why? Because this time around Canuck isn't playing for his playoff life. We are. And a desperate Renal Failure team could very well be the most dangerous thing in the HBFFL.
What's it like to not make the playoffs? IT HURTS!
We'll have our review of the Renal Failure/What the Canuck? matchup later in the week. Until then, have fun looking at the side of your milk cartons and seeing my team. If you happen to run into any of them this week, tell them to please show up for Week 14. We'd like to stay competitive up till the bitter end.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure is probably not going to make the playoffs in three out of the four leagues he's in. It's been that kind of season for the People's Champ.
Note: We're early with this because the Thursday night game between the Colts and Jaguars involves starters on the Renal Failure and What the Canuck? rosters...
Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy want to talk to Canucklehead about the idea of starting Trent Edwards...
Fact: Last season, both Renal Failure and What the Canuck? failed to make the playoffs.
Fact: What the Canuck? also failed to make the consolation playoffs with his 4-10 record.
You may remember back after Week One when we showed that four out of the five teams that won their first game in 2008 went on to make the playoffs that year, meaning your 2009 playoff teams were most likely going to be from this motley crew of teams: Defending Champions (aka The Brains), Team Duckgirl (aka The Looks), Totes McGoats/Prestige Worldwide (aka The Brawn), What the Canuck? (aka the Ducky) and Renal Failure (aka the Wild Card, among many other things). Well it turns out that trend was bunk. The Looks faded with lineup issues (such as starting inactive players), The Brawn couldn't muscle enough points out its roster (despite having Adrian Peterson and Kurt Warner, and making some shrewd and timely free agent pickups late in the season) and the Brains outthought himself into sixth place even with Chris Johnson in his employ (and helped Predator Press make the playoffs by trading Drew Brees to LOBO at the deadline). Only the Ducky and the Wild Card made the playoffs, much to the surprise of everyone, so it's fitting that they get to play each other in the first round.
Canuck beat the People's Champion last week to earn that playoff spot, and that was Canucklehead's first mistake. In games this season where The Wild Card (bitches!)has sought vengeance for a previous loss they are 2-0 with wins over the Ramblers (for the Dallas Clark fiasco of 2008) and Defending Champions (for his womanly alter-ego Fantasy Virgin keeping us out of the playoffs last year). Renal Failure knows revenge.
Now Canucklehead will never get to see those new Kids in the Hall "Death Comes to Town" episodes!
But the People's Champion has not been so dominant these days. Maurice Jones-Drew has been looking very mortal and the QB situation in St. Louis is allowing opposing defenses to stack the line against Stephen Jackson. Philip Rivers has been serviceable and efficient, but that doesn't give the People the big points they want. Our wide receiver core of Hines Ward, Chad Ochocinco, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Percy Harvin, and Jeremy Maclin have become unreliable and banged-up as of late. The Philadelphia Defense has only just begun stepping up their game again and Dallas Clark's success is contingent on Peyton Manning's success, and Manning is centerpiece of the What the Canuck? squad. It would seem the only steady performer that the People can depend on is our kicker.
Nate Kaeding, I have never prayed to you. I have no tongue for it...
Canuck has the same problem with Philip Rivers as we do with Peyton Manning, as he employs Antonio Gates in the tight end slot. But Canuck got on-board the Ricky Williams train at the right time to snap himself out of a five game slide (that started with Canuck's Week 5 loss to Renal Failure) and go 4-1 to end the season. And he has learned not to tie his fate to that of the Buffalo Bills by not starting T.O. and Lee Evans all the time at WR (though he still runs Fred Jackson in the Flex spot).
Yahoo! projects Renal Failure to win 105-94 as of Thursday 8am, which we find to be highly optimistic on Yahoo's part. But that could play right into the People Champion's hands because Renal Failure is 2-0 when they fail to exceed their projected score (which includes Canuck's Week 5 loss). However, we're fully aware that the universe might find it extremely hilarious for a team having such a successful regular season as Renal Failure did (a record setting 12-2 with nine straight wins to start the season and the record for most points scored with 1481) to completely fall apart in the first round of the playoffs.
Our prediction?
Renal Failure... he's the man whose name you'd love to touch... but you mustn't touch!
We'll dispense with the usual pleasantries first, as this post is being hastily rewritten because Blogger sucks and should die in a fire. Week 13. Renal Failure won, Team Duckgirl lost. She's out of playoff contention. And so is Prestige Worldwide. Renal Failure now holds the record for wins in a regular season with 12, and will most likely break Fantasy Virgin/Defending Champions point scoring record of 1422 in Week 14 vs. What the Canuck?
So...who's left? We're going to go through each team to figure out as best we can what each team needs to do or have others do for them to get into the playoffs (and feel free to correct us if we're wrong because this shit is complicated). And also for the purposes of this exercise we're going to assume that finishing fourth and playing Renal Failure in the first round of the playoffs to be the worst thing ever for that team, aside from not making the playoffs.
Realistically Predator Press (8-5) is in, but mathematically it's not official. A PredPress win over the Ramblers clinches the 2nd seed for them. But even if PredPress loses to the 7-6 Ramblers and the other 7-6 teams La Machine and What the Canuck? win, Canuck is way behind on the tiebreaker to PredPress. 81 points to be exact. Unless Peyton Manning and Ricky Williams put up 80 points a piece, PredPress' playoff aspirations are safe. The tiebreakers with Machine and Rambler will determine seeding, though PredPress is up 9 points on Machine and 42 points on Rambler, so depending on the score of the PredPress/Rambler game PredPress could possibly finish 4th and have to play Renal Failure in the first round.
La Machine (7-6) is second-most likely to clinch. All they need to do is win over Defending Champions in Week 14. Even if Rambler and Canuck win to force a four-way 8-6 tie, it's still all good because Machine is up 33 points on Rambler and 72 points on Canuck. If Machine loses they will need losses by both Rambler and Canuck to force a four-way 7-7 tie for the last two playoff spots between Machine, Rambler, Canuck, and DefChamps. Given that the tiebreaker advantages hold, Machine will slip in as the fourth seed and a first round matchup with Renal Failure and DefChamps the third seed because no one is catching DefChamps in points. Nobody.
The Ramblers (7-6) are in if they beat Predator Press, combined with either a La Machine or What the Canuck? loss. But if that doesn't happen it's still good for the Unfinished One because in a four-team 8-6 quagmire the Ramblers are up 39 points in the tiebreaker on Canuck for 4th place. A Rambler loss, however, could throw the Unfinished One into a world of pain, depending on who else wins. A Rambler loss combined with wins by Machine and Canuck eliminate Rambler. A Rambler loss combined with a Canuck win and a Machine loss invokes a three-way 7-7 tiebreaker situation with Rambler, Machine, and DefChamps that Rambler will not win. But a Rambler loss combined with a Machine win and Canuck loss is still good for Rambler because Rambler has a 39 point lead on Canuck, which will allow Rambler to get in as the fourth seed and give him a chance to point his rueful finger at Renal Failure.
What the Canuck? (7-6) needs to win over Renal Failure (ha!) and they need La Machine or the Ramblers to lose because as we showed in the Predator Press scenario, if four teams make it to 8-6, Canuck's going to be the odd team out. If Canuck loses, they're just as screwed because they win no tiebreakers. Canuck can be the 3rd seed and miss a rematch with Renal Failure with a win and losses by Machine and Rambler.
Defending Champions (6-7) need a win vs. La Machine and a Rambler or Canuck loss. Any team that enters the 7-7 tiebreaker with DefChamps will lose, even La Machine who is 89 points behind DefChamps who are the 2nd highest scoring team in the league (behind Renal Failure). If Rambler and Canuck both lose, DefChamps can finish third and miss a first round game with Renal Failure. If only one of them lose, DefChamp will get in as the fourth seed.
Everybody got that? Good.
Preview of Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck later this week. Hopefully Blogger won't eat that one too.
---Renal Failure says this is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps...
Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy support our decision to start Jeremy Maclin...
It may seem Renal Failure has nothing to play for this week, but they do. A 12th regular season victory would give the People's Champion the HBFFL record for wins in a regular season. Blocking the People's Path this week is Team Duckgirl returning for a second go-round to avenge her 106-58 loss in Week 4, as well as fight for her playoff life. For at 5-7, Duckgirl can't afford to lose, and even if she does win out her destiny is still not completely in her own hands. But more on that later...
Duckgirl (aka The Looks) fields a more dangerous lineup for Week 13 than she did in Week 4. Tony Romo has learned how to throw the ball, Frank Gore is back from injury, DeAngelo Williams is not on a bye week, and she still has her own hyphenated big-point player in WR Mike Sims-Walker, also a Jaguar like Renal Failure's Maurice Jones-Drew. That's a lot of firepower.
But Renal Failure, aka The Wild Card (bitches!), has Philip Rivers throwing against Cleveland, Chad Ochocinco catching against Detroit, Stephen Jackson running against an increasingly pourous Chicago, and Jones-Drew doing everything vs. Houston. These fine matchups have a decent chance of getting us Win Number 12.
Now to the complicated part... even if Duckgirl beats the People's Champion and Bald Spots to finish at 7-7, she still needs a lot of help because she is the longest of the long shots here. It's complicated, but we think we've worked it all out.
So Duckgirl wasn't in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois?
The scenario:
Stipulate that Team Duckgirl finishes the season 7-7.
What the Canuck? not only has to lose both their games but has to finish with less points than Duckgirl (and Canuck's currently up 86 points on her). Duckgirl also needs the Ramblers to lose both their games, or go 1-1 and squander the 106 point tiebreaker lead they have on her in those two games (and because the Ramblers play La Machine and Predator Press in the last two weeks, Machine and PredPress will clinch playoff berths in this scenario). And to make things even harder, Defending Champions and Prestige Worldwide have to lose once because they are way ahead of Duckgirl on points as well (193 for DefChamps, 93 for Prestige).
If all those things happen, if all the right stars align in the sky, Duckgirl will be the 4th seed in the playoffs and be scheduled to play Renal Failure yet again. The shitstorm never ends, does it?
The People know and are moved by Duckgirl's plight - they were there last season, scrapping to get into the playoffs while at the mercy of the actions of other teams - which is why the People call on their Champion, Renal Failure, to be merciful and spare Duckgirl the agony of hope by utterly crushing her this week.
"No, ma. I beat her in Week 4, she's my responsibility..."
And just because destroying one team's playoff hopes isn't fun enough, What the Canuck? could find himself in peril if he loses this week to Defending Champions, for the Ducky draws Renal Failure in Week 14. The People's Champion could drop Canuck down to 7-7 and right into tie-breaker hell, depending if Defending Champions or Prestige Worldwide win out. DefChamps have a 107-point edge in the tiebreaker on Canuck and 100 points on Prestige. Prestige only has seven points on Canuck.
Clinching the number one seed early, possibly ruining the playoff hopes of two teams... it's an early Kwanzaa for the People this year!
Contrary to popular belief, Kwanzaa is not black Hanukkah.
Oh, and for Rambler who thinks we're entering a word of pain if we meet again, we present this for his consideration...
You're out of your element, Rambler! And we peed on your rug!
But back to the present... Yahoo! has Renal Failure projected to win 103-94 over Duckgirl. If Duckgirl's going to beat us, she'd better put up like 200 points because she's going to need it when tiebreaker time comes.
---Renal Failure shot Sonny on the causeway, and Marvin in the face.
