The People's Week Four: Fresh out of the water!

By 2010's HBFFL and FTWL champion Renal Failure



The cold truth: big numbers equal big wins... and big pain!

We're not losing twice to Canada, so your People's Champion came out swinging Thor's hammer against What the Canuck? How hard did we bring Mjolnir down in our 121-85 victory, you ask? Not only was it tied for biggest blowout of HBFFL Week Four (but we scored the most points out of any HBFFL team this week), but Tom Brady had 40 points sitting on our bench. Funny thing, if RGIII (awesome 31-point day) doesn't fumble the ball at the goal line for Pierre Garcon to pick up, RGIII would have had 37 or 38 points, which ain't too shabby.

Renal Failure rolled high with our WR's with DeSean Jackson's 15pts (and he was 1 yard away from the 5-point bonus) and Dwayne Bowe's 21pts.  Jason Witten finally broke out with 22 points (with a garbage time TD). Trent Richardson is starting to pay off as our first-round pick with a solid 15pts. Even fill-in kicker Mike Nugent beat his projected score with a 9pt effort for the Bengals (according the Yahoo! recap, that's the most he's scored all season). Other than that, the rest of the lineup was very much meh. Fred Jackson rushed back from injury to get 6pts and the formerly-proficient Green Bay Defense seems to have disappeared (2pts? Come on, man!).

 
Forget Call Me Maybe or Gangnam Style... THIS was the true jam of Summer 2012!

Renal Failure came fresh out of the water with more big numbers than Canucklehead's crew. Matt Stafford's 27 points, Willis MacGahee's 24, and Mike Williams' 16pts were dragged down by Pierre Thomas's single point offering, Vernon Davis' 2pts, and Andre Johnson's fiver (was he the only Texan not scoring?). 

The People are back at .500 with this victory, allowing Renal Failure to remain within striking distance of the 3-1 logjam above them in the standings, a position no one wants Renal Failure to be in because of our propensity to get hot in the second half of the season, make the playoffs, and smash our way to the championship game like we've done in the 2009, 2010, and 2011.

 Note: To be fair, we did start the 2009 season 9-0 and finished 12-2, but we still made the championship game.

   
Are you in Renal Failure's way? That's not where you should be... because this is America!

Standing in the People's way to a 3-2 record in Week 5 is league-founder Purple Drank who ruined Unfinished Person's quest for a perfect season in Week 4. Since the league's inception in 2008, Renal Failure and Chris C.'s teams have split their previous ten meetings 5-5, but Renal Failure went 3-0 vs. Purple Drank last season (winning twice in the regular season and once in the playoffs), so momentum is on the People's side.  And though Purple Drank is currently 3-1, one of their wins was a lucky 68-64 escape vs. the last place Bald Spots. Renal Failure's two losses came in games where their starting running back from the Bills went down with first quarter injuries, and according to Yahoo! recap your People's Champ is 2-0 this season when they beat their projected score.

Early Yahoo! projections favor Renal Failure, especially with our dominant QB's.  Trent Richardson is starting to bloom on the Renal Roster, and Purple Drank's Chris Johnson is due to go back to shitting the bed for Purple Drank, despite his brief outburst of production in Week 4 (he did that to us last year when we had him - one good week, six bad weeks).

Chris needs a win to keep up with Predator Press, Unfinished Person, and Delusions of Adequacy at the top of the standings.  Renal Failure needs a win to get in a favorable position for one of our infamous late-season runs (we're 20-7-1 over the past four years in the 2nd half of the season). 8 wins with a lot of "points for" can get you in the playoffs (we've done it twice), but 9 wins usually seals the deal. And Renal Failure is in a deal sealing mood.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion in every fantasy football league we play in, except for that one league where the guy called his team The People's Champions. But we are still The Wild Card because no one can anticipate what we'll do next.  Not even us.

MSNBC Exclusive on Why "What the Canuck" and "Nonamedufus" Edged Out of Playoffs

Only in Canada, eh?

Who knew.

RF, you have anything to do with this?

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Thank you, Tim Tebow (and Jesus?)

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

If I had the chance to do it again, the only thing I would have done differently this week in my matchup against What the Canuck?, which I won 102-57, would have been to play Brent Celek instead of Owen Daniels.

Celek had 26 fantasy points to Daniels' 3.

That way I could have crushed What The Canuck? by an even larger margin, 125-57.

And even though Tim Tebow didn't lead the Broncos to a win over the Patriots, he (and Jesus?) still led me to the win here.

Next week the angel Moroni leads me to the fifth place consolation crown.

Purple Drank Will Defeat Canuck with Mayhem

What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving? When it comes to fantasy football it is the fact I am 8-3 and in second place. I could be 6-5.

Flashback to Week Eleven...Monday night...

I'm down by nine with Gronk and NE defense left to play. Bald Spots, my opponent has Brady. That's usually a loss.

Final score? Purple Drank 131, Bald Spots 122.

For the second week in a row my opponent got Gronked and I got two more wins. But my team has also lost both Schaub and Cutler. Purple Drank is currently being led at QB by the likes of Andy Dalton and the newest member of the Kansas City Chiefs Kyle Orton.

This week I face What The Canuck?, a team not doing so well as of late. He's on a three-game slide and Fred Jackson is done for the year.

So I felt bad going with my scheduled secret weapon blatantly hinted at in the post title: Mayhem, from the insurance commercials. It seemed like overkill.

Instead, in Week Twelve my secret weapon is the guy from the Planet Fitness commercial.

Halfway through the season... and we're feeling kinda of "eh"

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





We didn't have a good Fantasy Football week...

Your People's Champion is beginning to think Yahoo! projected scores are just random numbers shaken out of a cowboy hat, because we were projected to win 107-65 vs. What the Canuck? and we ended up losing 110-70. No, that is not irony, that's just Yahoo! being completely wrong.

Only Megatron bothered showing up for the Failure this week. Well, to be fair Jason Witten (9pts) and Brandon Lloyd (7pts) did make a decent showing But CJ2K was a ghost and Ryan Mathews got injured in his game and was limited. Tony Romo got outdueled by Mark Sanchez, who we gave to Canuck in the Megatron trade. Meanwhile Canucklehead killed us with big days from Matt Forte, Steve Smith, and Fred Davis.


Losing to Canuck was still better than the 48-43 lost we suffered in the FTWL against a guy starting two players on their bye week and the injured Andre Johnson. Yeah, play us out of Week 7 Keyboard Cat...

So at the halfway point of the 2011 season, your defending Champions sit at 4-3, which is better than the 2-5 position we were in last year. We're sitting in 5th with Bourbon Blasters, also at 4-3, looking up at nonames at 5-2. Above them are Purple Drank and Predator Press at 6-1. LOBO seems to be in a good position to fulfill the HBFFL prophecy of last year's championship loser winning it the title the next year, which also means that Renal Failure will not make the playoffs. That, however, will not happen.

Renal Failure is a second-half team, going 16-5 over the last three years in the second half of the season. No team in the HBFFL has a better second-half record than Renal Failure in those three years. So if there's one thing your People's Champ knows how to do is finish strong.


Take that to the bank! Unless it's Bank of America because I'm not paying 5 bucks a month just to be able to use my frickin' debit card. That's bullshit!

All right, so the People need to regroup for Week 8. We're still in a good position to make the playoffs. We've got the talent. Now we just need some wins. And who is stepping to the people, the new flavor of the month nonames who have been racking up wins on the arm of Aaron Rodgers (which is how Rambler used to rack up wins).

But Oh No! Rodgers is on a bye week! And Larry Fitzgerald is matched up against the tough Baltimore Defense. Well, he still has Jimmy Graham who has been lighting it up at the tight end position all year (we have him in another league, one that we're actually first in) but his running back duo of Jonathan Stewart and Mike Tolbert leave much to be desired.

Meanwhile the People's Champion gets LeSean McCoy back from a bye, and has no other usual starters on a bye either. So now it's time for nonames to learn what it's like to try and survive these brutal games when your big guns are unavailable. It's time to get hyped for another Renal Failure late season run! EAST COAST PHILLY BABY WHERE YOU AT?


Renal Failure is so Pringles...

Okay, so let's see what Yahoo! projects the score to be... Renal Failure 102, Nonames 70.

Shit...

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We were foolish enough to agree to be in four leagues this season. We're 5th in the HBFFL, 9th in the FTWL, 9th in another, but solidly in first place in the fourth league. And thus the secret to fantasy football is revealed... be in a lot of leagues because you can't lose in all of them. Just most of them.

Week 7: Someone's Getting Canucked

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





Laying the smackdown as only Renal Failure can...

It wasn't the usual bloodbath between Renal Failure and Bald Spots, but your People's Champion emerged with a solid 113-73 victory. Only Purple Drank had a larger margin of victory in Week 6.

Not a happy week for Bryan and his Bald Spots. Tony Romo out-dueled Tom Brady fantasy-wise 23-19. I made fun of the Bald Spots last week for almost starting two receivers named Nelson so he switched out David Nelson (6pts) and kept in Jordy Nelson (blowing up for 23 big points). Unfortunately Bald Spots didn't take my advice and put in Anquan Boldin. He had 18 points compared to Dez Bryant's 7. Vernon Davis and BenJarvus Green-Ellis came up small (0 and 6 points respectively). Renal Failure mixes his lies with the truth.

For the Failure, LeSean McCoy had a 24-point day against Washington. Megatron continues to dominate, even when not catching touchdowns (16-point day). Jason Witten had 10-points, continuing to generate steady pointage at the volitaile TE position. And the New York Defense joined in the fun with 16-points of their own. Nice big days that equal big wins in fantasy football.


Billy Cundiff wields the golden foot of victory...

But the big story was Billy Fucking Cundiff, kicking 17 points. When do you see kickers put up big numbers like that? NEVER. He booted a bear into orbit, mind you a tinier bear than the ones that Tom Brady usually throws into the Crab Nebula. But no one wants to give Billy Fucking Cundiff his due props.

Bringing us down from our Billy Fucking Cundiff high were the anemic performances of replacement WR Mike Thomas (3pts) and backup RB DeAngelo Williams (4pts after back-to-back double digit games on the bench). Granted, because of bye weeks we were forced to play these two, but we expected more. Perhaps when we don't start them, that's when they'll do well. If you can't play well for us, at least be decent trade bait. We'd love another solid receiver.


Artist rendition of how Renal Failure is preparing for this week's game vs. Canucklehead...

So Week 7... Renal Failure (4-2) vs. What the Canuck? (2-4)

No LeSean McCoy for the Failure, but Chris Johnson is back and we give Ryan Mathews a shot at being productive for the People. Canuck is without the number one back in the league Fred Jackson, which is a shame because the man we traded him for is slated for 22 points against Atlanta on Sunday (MIGHTY MEGATRON!) Without Peyton Manning, Canuck has been adrift in the fantasy sea, depending on Mark Sanchez (other gift from us) to steady the ship.

Renal Failure is projected to win 110-66 vs What the Canuck? but the People's Champ wants to see more than that. We're counting on a change of scenery for Brandon Lloyd getting him back to his Number One Wide-Out of 2010 form. We're also hoping that Tony Romo puts up big numbers (and that a lot of them go to Jason Witten) before he loses the game for the Cowboys.

Look for the People's Champ to break from the 4-2 pack in Week 7. Sorry nonames and Bourbon Blasters, but we've got playoffs to make, and a championship to defend.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion, which means he's the champion of the 99%. But Renal Failure doesn't occupy a park or a city. Renal Failure occupies your heart.

Week 2: Welcome to Cybertron!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure




Who's that blasting holes through robots? It's the newest member of the Renal Failure roster, fools!

Over the past two seasons, Renal Failure has been known to pull off a major trade that gives them a boost into the championship game. This season, your People's Champion pulled off that trade way earlier than usual.

Renal Failure acquired Calvin "Megatron" Johnson from Canucklehead, along with RB Ryan Mathews in exchange for QB Mark Sanchez, RB Fred Jackson, and the New York Giants Defense. And Megatron paid immediate dividends with a 14-point day to help give Renal Failure a 109-88 victory over HBFFL newcomers Multiple Scorgasm.


Losing to Renal Failure is a painful experience, but it's like an HBFFL rite of passage...

Things weren't all tits and beer for your People's Champion. Brandon Lloyd was a last minute scratch in the 4pm game, and Chris Johnson is still working off the rust from his holdout. Hell, we even expected more than Kicker Billy Cundiff's decent 7 points because he's Billy Fucking Cundiff, that's why.

However, the things that were tits and beer were really nice. Tony Romo made a triumphant comeback after breaking a rib and possibly collapsing a lung to put up 32 big points at the QB slot, Jason Witten continues to steadily produce at the TE position, and LeSean McCoy has established himself as a major fantasy force with being the top scoring running back in the league after two weeks. Sure Fred Jackson is the second-leading scorer and we shipped him off to What the Canuck? but he was just going to waste those points on our bench behind CJohnson and Shady McCoy. Besides, he got us Megatron, and that will bring us some stability at the always volatile WR position.


Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory smiles on Renal Failure yet again...

Week Three sees another HBFFL newcomer Troi and his Future Ex-Cons step into the People's Arena to taste for themselves what every other team in the HBFFL has sampled: the fierce flavor of defeat by Renal Failure.

Note: Chris needs to trade us Stevie Johnson so Renal Failure can have a trio of Johnsons, which will lend itself to plenty of jokes in future posts.

The Wild Card is in as the Wild Card, bitches!

by Renal Failure


Our Lady of Victory Ines Sainz is so powerful that she went into a nightclub restroom with Ben Roethlisberger and he was the one who came out crying, and missing his jersey too...

The People rejoice and sing the glory of Ines Sainz and her tight jeans, for they have brought forth a Fantasy Football miracle to the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. After going 2-5 to start the season, Renal Failure rattled off an impressive and inconceivable six wins in seven games to leapfrog from 9th place all the way to 3rd, claiming a spot in the HBFFL playoffs.

(Note: Yes, Joe did win 7 straight to end the season at 12-2, tying our record last season for most wins in a regular season, but he didn't win those games with even a fraction of the zazz that we did.)

Speaking of Joe, we done heard that Joe had considered benching all his starters so that LOBO would win and we wouldn't make the playoffs, but Ines Sainz appeared to him in a dream, with angels wings and tight-ass pants, and told him "Do not be that guy," and preached to him the Gospel of Herm Edwards: "You play to win the game." See, we played to win last season on Week 14 when Joe needed us to beat Canuck to get a playoff spot. Well, we didn't win, but the effort was there and we're sure Joe appreciated us trying our best and not being douchebags. Anyway, Joe's Bourbon Blasters beat LOBO's Predator Press 124-119 in a close game.

But even if Joe had gone Full Metal Douchebag and tanked the last game, it still wouldn't have mattered because Team Krapsody pulled off arguably the biggest upset in HBFFL history, beating the Bald Spots 73-58 without starting an active running back or tight end (if only Static was around to witness it). Bryan's team shit the bed at the most inopportune time, and tragically, even with the great season Bryan had this year, it cost him a playoff spot because Bald Spots lost the tiebreaker to LOBO and Renal Failure. Yes, that means that despite being the only team to lose to Bex's Battling Butterflies, Predator Press snuck into the playoffs as the four-seed (even with a fucking ridiculous 67 roster moves in 2010, 28 more than he had in 2009).

And La Machine's long shot to sneak into the playoffs fell short as they lost to the Ramblers, not that Chris would have gotten in if he had won anyway because he would have lost the tiebreaker to LOBO and your People's Champion. Still, Chris had hope (and Matt Schaub's 44 points sitting on the bench because he was riding the Eli Manning train, whom he acquired from Renal Failure, all the way to 6th place), and hope is all any Fantasy Football owner really has.

Well, enough of that... let's get to what you came here to read about: Finally... Renal Failure has come back to the playoffs! And we're squaring off against our old friend The Ramblers, who we beat in Week 9 during our epic season-changing run. The Unfinished One wants revenge for this year's loss and last year's as well, but how well can his quest for vengeance go without Frank Gore and with Aaron Rodgers fighting off yet another a concussion? Vengeance is what he wants, but disappointment may be all he'll get in Week 15.


We play to win the game so we can talk some more entertaining smack, because Fantasy Football without Renal Failure just isn't as interesting...

We'll touch briefly on our 111-65 victory over Canucklehead. Chris Johnson got back to his bear-throwing ways with 28 points vs. Indianapolis, Peyton Hillis got his mojo working again with 16 points vs. Buffalo (no TD's though), and even Jason Witten decided to get in on the action with 2 TD's and 69 yards receiving for a big old 18-point day vs. Philly. But the big story on the Renal Roster is once again Tom Brady proving that he can throw bears in any climate, putting up a big 35-point day vs. Chicago in a blizzard. Forget Michael Vick's season, Tom Brady is your MVP for dominating in all climates, hot and cold. Tom Brady could go to Venus and rack up 300+ yards in the air with three TD's on that planet of swirling methane.

But glorious victory does not mitigate our extreme disappointment in what used to be the most feared receiving duo in the league. Brandon Lloyd had another disappointing day, only getting 3 points vs. Arizona, and Dwayne Bowe once again scored nothing. Meanwhile on our bench, Hines Ward is making himself relevant again with a 16-point day vs. Cincy. Chad Ochocinco had a nice 7-point day there too. Even Sidney Rice, with Brett Favre gone, put up double than Lloyd and Bowe combined. Fellas, this is not the time for shit to go wrong. We might as well have not made the playoffs if this is how our feared weapons are going play. Rambler will blow us out of the water if we don't have our shit down tight.


We lost our sledgehammer too... it was called Dwayne Bowe scoring touchdowns habitually....

Anyway, back to Week 14, Canucklehead just didn't have enough weapons in his socialist Canadian cupboard this week. Sure, Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne had nice days (32 and 15 points a piece), but that was it for What the Canuck? as Thomas Jones did marginally better than Brandon Lloyd with 4 points, as did WR Stevie Johnson. The only thing Canuck could have done to have had a better day was swap out Percy Harvin, who didn't play on Monday because of migranes, and put in Tim Hightower, whose 31 points would have made the score very uncomfortably close for Renal Failure to bear, especially if he had started Lance Moore instead of Stevie Johnson because Moore's 13 points added to Hightower's 31 would have given Canuck the victory, thus ending Renal Failure's playoff hopes.

And so we bid the 2010 regular season "adios," as they say in Ines Sainz's mother tongue, and welcome the 2010 Playoffs. The People will continue to give offerings to Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory so that the prophecy of a Renal Failure champion will come to pass. Never mind that we just declared the prophecy now, all that matter with prophecies is that they are declared before the event happens.


The power of Walken compels you...

We see that Rambler is trying to get on the Ines Sainz bandwagon. We'll have our Opening Round Playoff Game review regarding how she will smite him for his audacity later in the week. Until then, stay thirsty my friends.


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure went 8-6 in this league, 8-6 in LOBO's league, 9-3 in a short-handed 7-team league, and 6-7 in a 14-team league in 2010. Three of those teams made the playoffs, and it's pretty obvious which one didn't.

Week 14: The Fate of Renal Failure's Season vs. What the Canuck?

by Renal Failure


Cocaine is a hell of a drug...

We are pumped for Week 14. We are incoherently pumped for this. This is why you play Fantasy Football, for these sorts of arbitrary situations that you have no control over.

A loss eliminates Your People's Champion Renal Failure from playoff contention. A win keeps them alive momentarily, depending on the outcomes of the Bald Spots/Team Krapsody and Predator Press/Bourbon Blasters games. A loss by either one of those teams and your People's Champion is playoff bound as a Wild Card, bitches. We'll have pulled off a dramatic 2nd half-of-the-season comeback, winning 6 out of our last 7 games to salvage a 2-5 start.

But if we lose... well, it's likely that we'll take it poorly. A season full of promise, starting with having the Overall Number One pick, ruined by injuries and misfortune. Our machinations and dealings to make a floundering franchise viable and strong again... rendered futile. And worse of all, we won't be able to keep up the HBFFL trend of the team that lost the previous year's championship winning it the next year. We have an obligation to uphold that tradition, even though it's only happened once before.


The Canadian Destroyer... that's what we hope to be this week...

Yahoo! has Renal Failure projected to win 110-71, and a lot of those points are based on a 20-point projection for Bear NASA founder Tom Brady vs. the Bears (we'll be disappointed if he doesn't put up at least 30), a 22-point projection for Chris Johnson vs. the Colts (seems high considering his putrid performance the last two weeks, but Indy sucks against the run and Chris Johnson fucking owes us big time), and a big 23-point projection for Peyton Hillis vs. the Buffalo Bills (now that seems ridiculously high, even vs. the Bills who can lock it down sometimes). Still, the 10 points that Brandon Lloyd is projected for vs. Arizona is reasonable, as is the 10-spot the Tampa Bay defense is projected to get vs. Washington. We even like Dwayne Bowe's 8 projected points vs. San Diego and believe he'll have a good chance of exceeding it.

But the low-ball 71 score seems rather reasonable for Canuck. Peyton Manning has not been very Peyton-ish lately, and that means Reggie Wayne's numbers will suffer. Jamaal Charles is splitting carries with Thomas Jones, and Percy Harvin won't be targeted as much now that Sidney Rice is back for the Vikings. Without a big day from the Manning known as Peyton, it doesn't look good for Canuck, and that looks damn good for The People's Champion.


Ines Sainz... no one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we lost in Fantasy Football. All that matters is that Renal Failure stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Ines Sainz... so grant me one request. Grant me the playoffs! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!

We'll know after Monday night (because Canuck has Todd Heap and you never know when a tight end will throw a bear into orbit) whether your People's Champion is heading back to the playoffs or whether we've just missed the playoffs like we did in '08. Until then, keep fucking that chicken.


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure has Peyton Manning in another league, but we've already clinched a playoff spot there so it's perfectly fine if he shits the bed this week .

Week 12 Semi-Preview: Renal Failure vs. Bald Spots II: The Secret of the Orbital Bear

by Renal Failure


Scientists still do not have any definitive evidence to determine which is easier: Pimpin' or fantasy football.

Usually we have our preview done on Friday, but this was one of the rare occasions that we had players on a Thursday night game. And because the People Champion likes to give thanks to Captain Morgan rum on that particular Thursday in November, we didn't get a chance to type up a preview of the People's quest for the fantasy playoffs.

And so with three rum and cokes in us, we watched the early game between the Patriots and Lions and witness Tom Brady deliver us the finest Bearducken - which for the uneducated masses out there is a Bear with a duck stuffed up its ass that has a chicken stuffed up its ass - and then throw it halfway to the Dagobah system with a 46-point performance, much to the dismay of Bryan of the Bald Spots who couldn't enjoy Calvin "Megatron" Johnson's big 15-point day on the Lions end.


Our Thanksgiving wasn't this dignified...

So going into Sunday's game, Renal Failure holds a 52-15 edge over Bald Spots (Brandon Pettigrew got himself 6 points for the People on Thursday too), but the game's far from over. Bryan still has Philip Rivers waiting to throw a bear into orbit himself vs. Indianapolis, though we don't think it will be the sort of bear with other animals shoved up its ass. And with the way Brett Favre's been playing I wouldn't be surprised to see the Vikings hand the ball to Adrian Petersen all day. Pierre Garcon could be a problem, but Peyton Manning's been slinging the ball to everyone on that team so Garcon may not get many chances to hurt us.

But Renal Failure still have the vaunted 1-2 punch of Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis waiting to bolster the People's lead, along with the hottest WR combo in fantasy football Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd, especially after T.O. got shut down by the Jets in the late Thanksgiving game (sorry Chris). And Matt Bryant and the Cleveland Defense have some pretty good projected matchups that the People feel pretty good about, which will give us some much needed points should a wild card spot come down to a Points For tiebreaker.


Ines Sainz waits patiently for the Renal Failure victory that she has decreed.

If the People hold on to their 37-point lead, they'll enter into a tie for third with Bald Spots at 7-5 along with either one or two of these three teams: La Machine, What the Canuck? and Predator Press. La Machine and Predator Press are playing each other so one of them is going to fall to 6-6 unless they maintain their current tied score, and What the Canuck? has to make up a 43-point deficit against the first place 9-2 Bourbon Blasters to keep pace (and we're hoping for a Bourbon Blasters loss so that Joe can't tie our record for most wins in a season, that being 12).

So until next week... stay thirsty for the playoffs, my friend.


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure has a little Captain in them, except on Thanksgiving when he has a lot of Captain in them. This is why Renal Failure wakes up on the front lawn on Black Friday.

Oh, and LOBO's still the only one to lose to Bex this season

by Renal Failure


We win! We win! Computer duster whippets for everyone!

Renal Failure avoids falling into a tie for last place by defeating the last place team, Bex's Battling Butterflies, 90-70. And despite the meager numbers put up by Tom Brady (18pts) and the horrid day by Hines Ward (1pt), your People's Champion is walking on sunshine.

Brandon Lloyd threw a bear into space with a 27pt day vs. the Niners, Jason Witten is turning his season around now that Tony Romo is out of the lineup by netting his second double-digit point day in a row (15pts), and Chris Johnson put up a respectable 13pts for the People to make up for not doing jack last week for us. Dwayne Bowe salvaged a light receiving day with a TD to get 7pts for the People.


Brandon Lloyd asks an uncaring God why his Denver Broncos are 2-6, and why Renal Failure is 3-5. But God does not answer his pleas, because God is too busy watching Japanese porn.

Bex's lineup put up surprising numbers with their non-featured running back corps of Mike Tolbert (14pts) and Michael Bush (16pts). Greg Jennings got 8pts vs. a tough Jets defense. Carson Palmer put 20pts vs. the Dolphins, though most of those points came in the first half. Bex also forgot to put in the Tennessee Defense instead of the bye week Philadelphia Eagles, but they only scored 7pts so their contribution wouldn't have mattered, nor would starting Vince Young (24pts) instead of Carson Palmer.

But we weren't the only team who got away with an absentee owner syndrome win. Joe and the Bourbon Blasters got a boost from Team Krapsody forgetting to field a quarterback and a flex player. Danny Woodhead and his 11 points sat on Static's bench. If Static had picked up Matt Stafford, who put up 40 vs. Washington, to replace bye week Joe Flacco and Kevin Kolb, victory would have been his.


Sorry, but he's in the employ of Renal Failure now...

More egregious was What the Canuck? getting a free ride vs. Don's Eunuchs. Don didn't swap out the injured Tony Romo, nor did he replace bye week-having Hakeem Nicks and Michael Turner either. Worse was that pretty much everyone on Don's bench was on a bye week, so the only possible way for Don to have had a chance in this game was a complete free-agent revamp of his lineup, which would have required him to actually sign into Yahoo! and tinker with his roster.

Anyway... Bex will not get another shot at the People's Champion in 2010, as this was the two teams' sole game vs. each other. But both teams could go undefeated for the rest of the season and make it to the playoffs, perhaps to meet each other again either in the semi-finals or the finals. We've seen stranger things...


What has been seen cannot be unseen... even if you don't understand it. And there isn't enough context in the world to make any sense of this.

Also, the People would like to announce a trade that was finalized after Sunday's games. Renal Failure sends QB Eli Manning and TE Marcedes Lewis to La Machine for RB Peyton Hillis and TE Brandon Pettigrew. This move gives La Machine some insurance at QB now that Alex Smith is out of action with an injury and The People's Champion gets the highly productive Hillis (104 fantasy points for a horrid Cleveland Browns team) who has been wallowing (undeservedly) on Chris's bench behind LeSean McCoy, Cedric Benson, Ray Rice, and Marshawn Lynch. The People hope this returns the vaunted 1-2 RB punch that has defined past Renal Failure teams but has been absent this season due to losing Ryan Grant in Week One.

Week 9 sees Renal Failure take on The Ramblers who are in a three-way jam for first place with the Bald Spots and Bourbon Blasters. We'll have our preview later in the week on how the People will screw things up for the Ramblers' ambitions to sit atop the HBFFL standings.


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure is glad they actually got to trade Eli Manning this season, after no one would take him off our hands in '09.

Clawing our way to a .400 winning percentage

by Renal Failure


Happy Belated Canadian Thanksgiving, Canucklehead. Here's a present for you...

Just when people (but NOT "the People") were about to write off Renal Failure, the Wild Card jumps on your head, snaps some limbs, and reminds you that while the Wild Card may be struggling in 2010 they are certainly not the team to steal on.

For the first time this season, the People's Champion has broken the 100-point mark (something that used to happen pretty much every week last year) with their 108-56 victory over the Marxist conspiracy known as What the Canuck? by way of Brandon Lloyd and Chris Johnson both scoring 30 points in their games, thus outscoring all of the Canuck starting lineup by themselves. In other words, yes, the shithawks did indeed come for Canucklehead this week. Just like we said.


How many points does this man have to score for Yahoo! to stop leaving his fantasy match-up slot blank?

Not to say that everything we claimed last week in our preview was correct. While we did correctly say that Canucklehead wouldn't be happy if the Colts/Chiefs game wasn't a Cape Canaveral for launching bears into space (and it wasn't; they couldn't even get a bear off the ground in that game. Hell, Peyton Manning almost got outscored by Canuck Kicker Rob Bironis this week while Kyle Orton had 32pts against the Ravens on the Canuck bench), we totally got the Rams/Lions game wrong (though it did set up a great Prophet Muhammad joke for us). Well, half wrong actually, because only the Lions had the big offensive juggernaut day we had expected out of both teams. Rams' star WR Mark Clayton left the game early with a season-ending injury and QB of the future Sam Bradford only scrounged up 10pts for the People while Eli Manning and his 32-points sat on our bench to commemorate "Leave your highest scoring QB on the bench week" here in the HBFFL. But we don't regret our QB choice, because we were being bold.

While our TE Marcedes Lewis was putting up a Dallas Clark-like 17 points, Canucklehead's prized TE Jermichael Finley was being carted off the field early in the Packers/Redskins game. But Renal Failure sheds no tears for other teams with injury problems, especially considering Clayton being lost for the year and three out of the four running backs we had originally drafted being currently injured (Ryan Grant, Pierre Thomas, and Clinton Portis). Yeah, we lost all of our RB depth in four weeks. We're now starting a Buffalo Bill at our flex spot (Fred Jackson with a serviceable 9-point day). Do you know how bad things are when you're starting anyone from the Bills? If we lose Chris Johnson I think all the HBFFL managers should send us a care basket full of Guinness and a card signed by all of them reading "Our sincere condolences for your 2010 Fantasy Season."


"Oh, and you have cancer too..."

Week 6 sees the People's Champion going against the highest scoring team in the league, the 4-1 Bourbon Blasters, managed by Leigh's Husband Joe O (the 2008 HBFFL champion). We'll have a preview later this week of how we will either knock him from his first-place perch or how we will lose horribly but boldly.


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure is thankful that the Queen isn't on his money. Or ducks either.

Week 5: Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck?

by Renal Failure


The shithawks are coming, Canucklehead. We know. Because they already came for us.

A year ago, Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck? was the hottest HBFFL match-up of the season at that point. Both teams were 4-0 and looking to take a dominant position in the HBFFL standings. But in 2010, What the Canuck? is 3-1 and ranked third in the league while the People's Champion is mired in ninth place with a 1-3 record and suffers from multiple running back injuries and an inability to score points. Yeah, not quite the barn-burner last year's game was.

Yahoo! has What the Canuck? projected to win 93-80 over Renal Failure, but we think they're severely undervaluing Chris Johnson vs. Dallas with 12 projected points. Yes, the Number One Overall Pick severely underperformed last week, but he said on his Twitter page that we shouldn't worry and that he's going to have a better October. And if it's on Twitter it's gotta be true, right?


Oh we are so fucked...

Like last year, Canucklehead starts Peyton Manning but this time he's got Reggie Wayne too. They are projected for 27 and 10 points respectively against the Kansas City Chiefs, which sounds right because the Chiefs are weak against the pass (weird, seeing how they're undefeated, and Austin Collie's questionable for the game). And Canucklehead's starting Chiefs RB Jamaal Charles who is projected for 11pts against a Colts defense that is soft against the run. If bears aren't launched into orbit in this game, Canucklehead's not going to have a happy day.

But the People have their own QB/WR combo. Tom Brady's on a bye so we've got the Rams' Sam Bradford along with WR Mark Clayton starting for us against Detroit. In our new effort to be bold and wrong with resolve, we're going to put an Orbital Bear Watch on this game because St. Louis and Detroit believe in defense the same way Muslims believe in having velvet paintings of Muhammad hanging on the wall above their Islamic couches.


Love me Allah... love me true...

But Renal Failure can't play the injured Pierre Thomas, and we released Clinton Portis after learning he'll be out 4-6 weeks, so we're left with Fred Jackson of the Bills as our flex starter. With Marshawn Lynch being traded to Seattle, we're hoping he rises to the occasion and returns to being the 1,000 yard rusher he was last season. That's right, we're going to use Canucklehead's precious Buffalo Bills AGAINST him! What kind of devious team would do such a thing? What kind of madman would actually start a Buffalo Bill? THE WILD CARD, BITCHES! That's who.

The People do not want to see their Champion fall to 1-4, but the People haven't been getting much of anything in 2010, except getting shit on by the shithawks. We have to get out of the Shit Nest, and we're running out weeks to do it.


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure isn't letting the liquor do the thinking. Renal Failure IS the liquor.

At least we remembered to start an active quarterback...

by Renal Failure


We have problems with anger, and with our team not scoring points...

Last season, your People's Champion set the HBFFL record for points scored in a 14-game regular season with 1481, about 105 points a game. In 2010, Renal Failure is second-to-last with 290 points in 4 games (72 points a game), just 35 points ahead of Bex's Battling Butterflies (though it would only be a three-point deficit if she had remembered to start Chad Henne at QB this week instead of bye-week Brett Favre. But at least it didn't cost her the game as it did with Don forgetting to bench bye-week Tony Romo and Kellen Winslow for Matt Ryan and Zach Miller. You got a freebie win there, Static.)

With our 81-48 loss to La Machine, long-waited vengeance was not had and the People's Champion is left to wonder what the hell is going on with their once-feared franchise. Our backup QB Sam Bradford scored twice as many points as Founder of Bear NASA Tom Brady this week (26-13), First overall pick in the draft Chris Johnson churned out a paltry 6 points vs. Denver, and Hines Ward grabbed a solitary point vs. the Ravens. Only Mark Clayton (7pts) and recently acquired Marcedes Lewis (8pts) made any sort of dent on the scoreboard. The fact that we lost by so much mitigates the regret of leaving Brandon Lloyd and his 16 points on the bench for emergency acquisition Tim Hightower's big 2 point day because Pierre Thomas was suddenly inactive for his game against Carolina (another RB on our team injured? You don't say!), and we didn't trust that Clinton Portis would do well against the Eagles (5pts, bad but still better than Hightower).


Let's see... 1-3 record, second-least points scored, most points scored against... yeah, I think I has a pretty big fucking sad.

Our only solace from Week 4 is that we pulled a Jedi mind trick on Chris with our preview from last week. We got Chris to doubt starting Terrell Owens against us with our suggestion that perhaps Braylon Edwards would do better, but since Chris knows that Renal Failure is the goddamn devil, he hedged his bet by not taking our advice of benching the ailing Ray Rice for Peyton Hillis. Owens threw a bear into space with 33 points to Edwards' 14, and Hillis put up an impressive 21 points to Rice's 2. The lesson learned? Don't be meek and hedge your bets.

And Renal Failure learned that lesson for themselves as well. See, we were going to start Brandon Lloyd for Week 4 after hearing that Pierre Thomas was out, but then panicked and picked up Hightower minutes before kick-off. We second-guessed our first instinct. Well no more of that. Renal Failure declares from this moment on to eschew such timidity in our roster choices. If we are to lose, then we shall lose boldly! When the People's Champion acts, it will be with firm conviction and no regrets, because as one of my favorite blogs Fafblog! once wrote: "Being right is not a plan! Being wrong with resolve is a plan!" And if we are to be wrong this season, we're going to do it with resolve.


Removes even the toughest stains on your soul... but not your Fantasy season.

So the new bolder Renal Failure (with 50% more "Wild Card, bitches!" in every bottle) marches into Week 5 against What the Canuck?, better known as the only other team to defeat the People's Champion in 2009. But since we housed Canucklehead in the playoffs that year to avenge that Week 14 loss this is more a revenge game for him. We'll have our review of this pivotal matchup that could either keep the People's season alive or bury it for good later in the week. But either way, it will be bold!


___________________________________________________________
Renal Failure listened to Butt Trumpet and Dead Kennedys all through high school. It probably explains a lot.

I got 145 problems but a Canuck ain't one

That's what 145 points tastes like when you only have 118...

Is there anyone left out there who doubts Renal Failure?

The Wild Card (bitches!) is going to the HBFFL Championships to face La Machine. The People's Champion vs. The Commissioner.

We'll do our review now since we've got computer issues that will keep us from doing our usual late week post. Besides, Chris probably has a post in the works with lots of graphics of Bearataurs humping Daleks and giving birth to Death Stars full of Sith spiders and we don't want to follow that.

So let's look at the trends...

FACT: In 2008, the team that finished first in the regular season and scored the most points went on to win the championship (Fantasy Virgin a.k.a. Defending Champions). Renal Failure finished first and scored the most points in 2009.

FACT: La Machine is 0-1 in HBFFL championship games.

FACT: Renal Failure is now 3-0 this season in avenging prior losses (even if two of those losses were grudges from last season). La Machine ended our nine-game winning streak in Week 10 and has not yet tasted retribution for that.

In the final days of the 2009 HBFFL season The People's Champion is one win away from being an Actual Champion. The countdown is on...


This is the greatest song ever created and you are wrong to think otherwise...

Do you hear that? It's not sleigh bells. It's the People chanting Renal Failure's name. And they want a HBFFL Championship sitting by the Festivus Pole.

---To paraphrase the late great Ol' Dirty Bastard: Renal Failure is for the children.

Week 15: Now you may talk about playoffs

Note: We're early with this because the Thursday night game between the Colts and Jaguars involves starters on the Renal Failure and What the Canuck? rosters...


Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy want to talk to Canucklehead about the idea of starting Trent Edwards...

Fact: Last season, both Renal Failure and What the Canuck? failed to make the playoffs.

Fact: What the Canuck? also failed to make the consolation playoffs with his 4-10 record.

You may remember back after Week One when we showed that four out of the five teams that won their first game in 2008 went on to make the playoffs that year, meaning your 2009 playoff teams were most likely going to be from this motley crew of teams: Defending Champions (aka The Brains), Team Duckgirl (aka The Looks), Totes McGoats/Prestige Worldwide (aka The Brawn), What the Canuck? (aka the Ducky) and Renal Failure (aka the Wild Card, among many other things). Well it turns out that trend was bunk. The Looks faded with lineup issues (such as starting inactive players), The Brawn couldn't muscle enough points out its roster (despite having Adrian Peterson and Kurt Warner, and making some shrewd and timely free agent pickups late in the season) and the Brains outthought himself into sixth place even with Chris Johnson in his employ (and helped Predator Press make the playoffs by trading Drew Brees to LOBO at the deadline). Only the Ducky and the Wild Card made the playoffs, much to the surprise of everyone, so it's fitting that they get to play each other in the first round.

Canuck beat the People's Champion last week to earn that playoff spot, and that was Canucklehead's first mistake. In games this season where The Wild Card (bitches!)has sought vengeance for a previous loss they are 2-0 with wins over the Ramblers (for the Dallas Clark fiasco of 2008) and Defending Champions (for his womanly alter-ego Fantasy Virgin keeping us out of the playoffs last year). Renal Failure knows revenge.


Now Canucklehead will never get to see those new Kids in the Hall "Death Comes to Town" episodes!

But the People's Champion has not been so dominant these days. Maurice Jones-Drew has been looking very mortal and the QB situation in St. Louis is allowing opposing defenses to stack the line against Stephen Jackson. Philip Rivers has been serviceable and efficient, but that doesn't give the People the big points they want. Our wide receiver core of Hines Ward, Chad Ochocinco, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Percy Harvin, and Jeremy Maclin have become unreliable and banged-up as of late. The Philadelphia Defense has only just begun stepping up their game again and Dallas Clark's success is contingent on Peyton Manning's success, and Manning is centerpiece of the What the Canuck? squad. It would seem the only steady performer that the People can depend on is our kicker.


Nate Kaeding, I have never prayed to you. I have no tongue for it...

Canuck has the same problem with Philip Rivers as we do with Peyton Manning, as he employs Antonio Gates in the tight end slot. But Canuck got on-board the Ricky Williams train at the right time to snap himself out of a five game slide (that started with Canuck's Week 5 loss to Renal Failure) and go 4-1 to end the season. And he has learned not to tie his fate to that of the Buffalo Bills by not starting T.O. and Lee Evans all the time at WR (though he still runs Fred Jackson in the Flex spot).

Yahoo! projects Renal Failure to win 105-94 as of Thursday 8am, which we find to be highly optimistic on Yahoo's part. But that could play right into the People Champion's hands because Renal Failure is 2-0 when they fail to exceed their projected score (which includes Canuck's Week 5 loss). However, we're fully aware that the universe might find it extremely hilarious for a team having such a successful regular season as Renal Failure did (a record setting 12-2 with nine straight wins to start the season and the record for most points scored with 1481) to completely fall apart in the first round of the playoffs.

Our prediction?


Renal Failure... he's the man whose name you'd love to touch... but you mustn't touch!

Canada vs. the People

We blame Anne Murray for our loss too...

Renal Failure had the rare misfortune of losing in Week 14, this time at the hands of our neighbor to the north What the Canuck? 111-102. The Ducky of the HBFFL got big days from Peyton Manning and Ricky Williams while Renal Failure didn't get the big days we were hoping for from Stephen Jackson and Philip Rivers. (who would have thought the Eagles/Giants game would be the shootout instead of the Chargers/Cowboys game? Eli Manning with 43 points? Inconceivable!). But the People were heartened by the orbital bear games of Dallas Clark (22pts) and the Philly Defense (23pts) to keep the score respectable.

Strange fact: Renal Failure only other loss this season was a 111-96 affair to La Machine. Apparently the People's Champion can only be defeated by teams scoring exactly this amount of points.

And with that victory, the Ducky Canuck has earned himself a playoff spot. Unfortunately for Canucklehead, with how the Ramblers/Predator Press and La Machine/Defending Champions games went (Ramblers and DefChamps lost, eliminating them from playoff contention), What the Canuck? has to face Renal Failure again in the first round of the playoffs. A very unhappy Renal Failure.


"Oh good for you!"

Yes, the Wild Card (bitches!) of the HBFFL had the number one playoff seed wrapped up weeks ago. Yes, Renal Failure holds the record for most regular season wins in a season in the HBFFL. Yes, Renal Failure just set the record for points scored in a season with 1481 (that's 105.7 points a game). But Renal Failure was denied a 13th win and a winning percentage over .900, as well as the evil joy of crushing yet another team's playoff hopes. And it gives Canuck the right to buy this t-shirt from LOBO...


Only two people in the world can wear this shirt... and they both made the playoffs.

So the playoffs are set. Renal Failure(1) vs What the Canuck?(4) and Predator Press(2) vs. La Machine(3). We'll have our People's Playoff preview on Friday. It's different than the playoff review you might get from Chris C. or LOBO or UnfinishedPerson or Joe because they don't employ any ninjas or Tag Larkin on their research staffs.

---Renal Failure wants to know if you like Huey Lewis and the News...

Week 14: Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck? Round Two

Renal Failure journal. December 11th, 2009. Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. What the Canuck? is afraid of us. The accumulated dreck of Canucklehead's devotion to the Buffalo Bills will foam up about his waist, and he'll look up and shout "Let me make the playoffs." And we'll whisper "No."

It's Week 14, the last game of the regular season, the last chance for desperate souls to grab hold of a playoff berth. And What the Canuck? fits the bill of a desperate soul considering they've gone 3-6 since starting the season 4-0 (Renal Failure handed them their first loss of the season in Week 5), and the fact that they lose every tiebreaker with the remaining playoff eligible teams (though they aren't frantically hitting the waiver wire, unloading and loading entire rosters in a single sitting like Predator Press and the Ramblers). Canuck squandered their chance to control their destiny by being on the receiving end of the Toyota Fantasy Football Blowout of Week 13 vs. Defending Champions, 133-79. Now they're forced into a must-win situation against a team that has not only lost just once in thirteen games but is the only team in the league this season to put up more points than DefChamps.

Now some of our more clever readers might say "Hey Renal Failure, wouldn't you be better off letting Canuck win so that you'd play him in the first round of the playoffs? All he has is Peyton Manning. DefChamps employs an entire bear space program starring Chris Johnson, La Machine is deep at WR and might get Michael Turner back, and the Ramblers have Aaron Rodgers and Randy Moss." And those are valid points, but you will have forgotten two little things...

Renal Failure plays to win the game. And Renal Failure is not a fucking douchebag.

You see, if the situations were swapped and DefChamps tanked their game with Canuck just so they wouldn't have to play us in the playoffs, well we'd be a little miffed.


We're tired of losing to Perdue too.

Besides, it's not like we can guarantee that Canuck would be the fourth seed anyway. A Rambler loss and a La Machine loss would bump Canuck up to the third seed, and then we'd still have to play Defending Champions because they'd win the tiebreaker vs. Rambler and Machine. Then La Machine, who's also the commissioner, would be pissed at us because if we had beaten Canuck he would have made it into the playoffs in that four-way tie for the last two spots scenario.

No, forget all that. The People's Champion plays to win the game.


And Yahoo! likes the People's chances of winning too. A check of the projections on Thursday have the Wild Card beating the Ducky 97-90. But the Bills are playing Kansas City, and the Chiefs are a very generous team when it comes to Fantasy Points so T.O. and Fred Jackson could outperform their projections. Then again Stephen Jackson on the People's side is only projected for 12 vs. Tennessee, and SJax has been almost automatic when it comes to 100 yard rushing games since the Week 6 trade with Rambler, and he can find the end zone too.

But even if What the Canuck? pulls out a surprise victory this week, it's no big thing to the People's Champion. If it happens we'll probably get to face Canuck in the first round of the playoffs. And remember... nobody circles the wagons like Renal Failure.


---When the whole world is a joke, the only sensible thing to be is Renal Failure.

Tuesday Morning QB: Delayed karma

This week it wasn't so much instant karma as it was delayed karma, which brings me to:

Rule #338 of Fantasy Football: Don't taunt your opponent in a comment on one of his/her blog entries.

To wit, on Friday I commented on a post by Matt of That Tears It..., who coaches The White Strypers, in a, let's say, less than encouraging manner. To his post titled "Top 5 Kicks in the Crotch," among which he counted Michael Jordan in the 1997 and 1998 NBA finals putting the kabosh on the Utah Jazz, I had this to say, and I quote:

I was a huge Jordan fan, and I'd like to say I feel for you on those Jazz losses, but sorry, not really. ;) However, I still think this was a funny post and not just because the Jazz lost.

Matt's well-articulated response:

Jordan is swine.

I must have forgotten that I was playing Matt this weekend in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. So not surprisingly, delayed karma got me as I got my ass kicked: 101-62.

Kudos, Matt.

So reminder to self: this week if you go to visit Canucklehead's site, since you are playing his team, What the Canuck?, don't say anything that will come back and bite you in the ass. For example, don't mention that:

• you really aren't a beer drinker (although you occasionally like a Canadian whiskey),
  
• you hate hockey (even before Sarah Palin besmirched its image, which didn't need much help to be besmirched anyway)
• not only do you not know any of the answers to the questions he's asking for a contest to win an ad for a month on his blog, but also
  
• you do not have the time or inclination to scroll back through hundreds of his posts to find the answers.

Oh, wait, DON'T MENTION THAT. D'OH!




At least, I didn't put any of that in a comment to one of his posts, huh?

Time to Meet the 2008 HBFFL Champs!

Sure, I'll admit that I've had lots of luck gambling on football in the past -- all of it bad. I could go on and on giving excuses but I'll offer only one: I'm a Bills fan. (I know, I know.) I mean, I've been a fan for a LONG time and I just cannot bring myself to give them up. They had me at hello, erm, I mean Thomas (Thurman) and Kelly (Jim). Anyway, its been a tough road and I've stuck with them through thin and thin. Same with fantasy football - I mean I watch football all the time - hell, I even do okay at pick 'em pools - but man, I SUCK at fantasy football. Well, here's my strategy - I play my best players all the time. Based on my success rate thus far I just know something is wrong with this strategy, I'm just not sure what. Anyway, I've decided to give it another shot and if I'm going to lose, it might as well be amongst a bunch of people who claim to have a sense of humour. (NOTE: I'm Canadian and refuse to spell it without a 'U' no matter what your stinking spellcheck says!) Okay, enough about me - with the draft now complete I would like to present your 2008 HBFFL Champions! (Oh, I also start every season SUPER confident - that way it hurts more as the season progresses - I'm a glutton for punishment):

(WAIT! One final note, I actually never do the whole 'research' thing so all my picks, like the post below is likely filled with gross misconceptions and inaccuracies. Sorry - that's the way I roll.)

2008 Roster - What the Canuck?

QB: TOM BRADY - Well, I'm certainly no Patriots fan but this guy is coming off a season where he set the record for most TDs thrown and spends his spare time impregnating supermodels. Book it. Done.
BACKUP: Brett Favre - I actually used to like this guy. No more. I mean, he had a chance to go out with class and he botched it, like so many before him. (I'm looking at you Emmett Smith.) Anyway, he's do for a bye week.

WR: REGGIE WAYNE - My sister-in-law lives in Indy so they have become my back-up favourite team, you know - to get me through the season.
MARVIN HARRISON - Another Colt, this guy is way old school. His younger brother may have went to high school with George Burns but he'll still snag a couple - wait and see.
LEE EVANS - Let's go Bills! Sadly, with no QB this one is a bit of a gamble but seeing as I'll be cheering for them anyway ...
BACKUP: Anthony Gonzales, Bobby Engram - I've nothing to add here. (Go Bills!)

RB: WILLIS MCGAHEE - Well, he used to play in Buffalo I think ... so, good enough.
BACKUP: Ronnie Brown, Julius Jones - Insider tip: teams with no QBs run the ball a lot. Perhaps I've already said to much ...

TE: ANTONIO GATES - This guy is what is known as 'a stud'. I don't mean that he scores a lot off the field, although I suspect that may be true as well. The TE position is not one that gets a lot of Fantasy attention - but I'm real happy with this pick. On a side note, San Diego is the place where I saw my first (and only) Superbowl in person. If I told you that I watched Tampa Bay beat Oakland you might suspect it was decades ago, actually, it does kind of feel that way as well, maybe I'll look it up? Nah.
BACKUP: Greg Olsen - Who did what to the where now? Isn't he a basketball player? Meh, whatever ... let's move on.

K: STEPHEN GOSTOWSKI - Pfft. Kick the damn ball Nancy. (NOTE: Someone has to kick those extra points after those Brady touchdowns.)
BACKUP: Ryan Longwell - Another ex-Bill? Maybe. Anyway, see above.

DEF: BUFFALO - See, the smart money would be to pick the Broncos. I am not said money. That being said, the Bills D should be much better this year. (Why yes, I did say that last year - why do you ask?)
BACKUP: Denver - Better than the Bills in almost every category except for being the Bills.

Well, there you have it. I'm getting myself sized for my HBFFL Superbowl cockring as we speak. At least, I assume that is what the prize is. (Did I dream it?) I for one AM ready for some football! With two pick 'em pools, two fantasy pools and countless ProLine tickets - it is time for Canucklehead to cash in! (Once again, super confident to start.) To watch the complete and utter emotional breakdown of a grown man happen before your very eyes - follow the carnage as the season progresses over at my place. Until then, may the good football be yours - CHEERS!