That could be Aaron Rodgers or nonames' dominating roster throwing an endangered species around. Or it could be Aquaman expressing his clear prejudice for land mammals.
Either way you slice it nonames pwned the MVP's this week.
Welcome to another year of Tuesday Morning Quarterback where I look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have done differently with my (their) fantasy football team(s) for that previous week's game.
As for me, even though I lost 124-101 to Purple Drank here in the HBFFL, I wouldn't have done a thing differently as far as my lineup.
Let's review the starters: Vick at QB, Greg Jennings and DeSean Jackson at wide receivers, MJD at running back, Owen Daniels at tight end (other choice: Lance Kendricks, also had 1 point), Jahvid Best at flex (had Felix Jones but had same number of points: 11), Stephen Gostkowksi at kicker and the Patriots defense. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no. In case you missed it:
Courtesy of smlp.co.uk on Flickr
As for others, the only one in our league who might -- and hindsight is always 20/20 -- have played his cards differently than he did was Mark of Multiple Scorgasms. He played Pierre Garcon at wide receiver...where I would have gone with Chad Ochocinco just because Peyton Manning was out. At tight end, I would have gone with Aaron Hernandez over Tony Gonzalez, just because Hernandez was on fire from last year.
Yes, Mark still would have lost 99-90, but would have looked more respectable and at least would have tied for the lowest score with Future Ex-Cons instead of getting the lowest score.
So yes, he still would have sucked...but not just as badly. However, he set himself up for failure when he made his team slogan: "If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you just SUCK!" Um, self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?
Courtesy of Andy Welsh on Flickr
We have a winner...
...um, I mean, a loser.
Wait, make that two losers when you count me too.
I'll let Beck take us out with a song for both Mark and me:
“I call this emergency meeting of the Justice League Kicks Ass fantasy football league to order.” Green Lantern banged the gavel down twice then stood up.
“What’s this about boss?” Green Arrow munched on an apple. “I got a big date tonight with Hawkgirl later so if we could hurry-“
“Was. Was married to Hawkman. She came home early from an out-of-town convention last week and found him in bed with Black Canary.”
“Woah.”
“Woah indeed.” Green Arrow sat back.
“Hey can we get back to business here?” Green Lantern asked. “The integrity of our league is at stake and going into the playoffs we need to make sure there is no cheating.”
There were rumblings around the room.
“I’m making some rule changes and the first one is a ban on reversing the rotation of the Earth in order to field an optimal starting lineup.”
“Oh come on man, I’m paralyzed from the neck down.” Superman retorted a half hour later through his straw voice tube. “It takes me a week to submit a lineup. I need an edge.”
“Well then why don’t you reverse the rotation so far back you avoid the accident which left you paralyzed?”
The room became eerily silent.
“Oh snap.” Atom snickered under his breath causing everyone to look at him. “What, too soon?”
Green Lantern continued. “And there will be no use of a magic lasso to try and get information from coaches, right Wonder Woman?”
“Yes.” She replied reluctantly.
“I’d also like to add a no-interference rule on the field of play. No tripping players who would tackle your running backs Flash.”
“Aww man.” Flash sighed. “We might as well call this the No Fun League.”
“And Aquaman…” Green Lantern said. ”stop picking up Dolphin players on waivers. You won’t win and they don’t respond to your telepathy thing, whatever it is.”
“What the hell does that have to do with cheating?” Aquaman asked.
“Nothing.” Green Lantern grinned. “Don’t we always end meetings by making fun of you?”
The hall filled with laughter of heroes as disaster was avoided. Their league would live to fight on the fantasy gridiron another day but how soon before their adversaries returned?
And did you hear Hawkman cheated on Hawkgirl? Yeah what's up with that?
This past weekend I defeated Don's Eunuchs 110-72, but it was a Pyrrhic victory in a way as the more important news for my team for the weekend was the loss of the second part of my one-two punch at running back:
While I shouldn't speak too quickly --but I will, because that's the way I roll-- at least, for now, I have the one part of that punch at running back:
It's hard to write about a game where your opponent doesn't show up as this past weekend I won 119-53 over Static's Team Krapsody who had three players who didn't show up (two were out of the game and one just wasn't "in the game"). It doesn't make a great target.
photo by cliff1066™ on Flickr
Personally, I like a moving target.
Or then again (shuddering at Milli Vanilli's cousin here) maybe not.
Unfortunately, next week I don't get a moving target either as The Ramblers face The Eunuchs, who still have Tony Romo at QB. The last two weeks of the regular season, though, I face Bald Spots and La Machine. At least, they ought to make it interesting.
So it seems only apropos that this week's fantasy football game between my Ramblers and Joe's Bourbon Blasters, who is from where else but Texas, would be settled in Texas.
Entering Monday night's game, the Ramblers led the Bourbon Blasters, 98-90 with each of us having a Cowboy on our roster: Joe, Miles Austin; I, Felix Jones. In the end, to paraphrase the Linkin Park song of the same name, it didn't really matter as neither player was able to make a significant impact one way or the other on our game or the game thanks to Tony Romo leaving the game with a broken left collarbone. Austin scored three fantasy points; Jones, five and I won 103-93 as the Cowboys lost 41-35.
In the end, what mattered was that I finally was able to get this Texas monkey off my back, and next week should be a Texas free week...
...or will it be? Wait a minute, I have this guy from the Houston Texans coming back from his bye week:
Damn you, Arian Foster. Damn you.
Well, seeing as I have Foster on not only my team here, but also on my team in the other league in which I participate, and I have no plans on getting rid of him in either place, I better just embrace the Texas monkey. Take it away, Ronnie...
You know it's going to be a bad day when the guy you picked is running in reverse.
Author's Note: Luckily, this was in my other league. In this league, I played Marques Colston who so far has 2 receiving yards. Lance Moore, are you kidding me?
With their dominant95-59 victory over Team Krapsody in Week One, Renal Failure begins its inevitable march toward the top of Turkish Oil Wrestling League - uh, we mean the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. Sorry, we took up a new hobby recently...
Tom Brady (30pts) and Chris Johnson (31pts) outscored Static's whole starting roster, and Hines Ward had himself a good day as well (15pts). Unfortunately Ryan Grant left the Green Bay/Philly game early on with an injury and was unable to buttress our already high score.
But Jason Witten and Dwayne Bowe disappointed the People for the full games they played, scoring less points combined (2 and 1 respectively) than our backup TE Heath Miller (4pts), who LOBO is always keen to tell us never scored a single point for him last season. Possibly out of spite.
Heath Miller has suggestions for where LOBO can put this football... none of them involves shelves or closets or lubrication...
Bench scoring is usually our biggest source of regret, but we're not feeling the sting too much this week. Hard to believe that Eli Manning outscored Tom Brady this week (31pts for the younger Manning) but we're absolutely cool with that because we had to wait last year until after the trade deadline for Eli to prove himself as valuable trade bait. This year's he's doing it in Week One. So bravo, Eli, for giving us something to wave in front of desperate teams later this season. And Pierre Thomas's 14-point day against the Vikings made us feel better about the prospect of losing Ryan Grant for a week or two, especially since Clinton Portis had a poor day and C.J. Spiller pulled an anti-Arian Foster by being completely irrelevant in Week One.
A C.J. Spiller sighting...
On the other side, Static's squad did what the People's Champion did in last years HBFFL Championship Game and just plain failed to show up. His big guns Andre Johnson and Randy Moss put up paltry numbers, Joe Flacco had a rough match-up against the Jets Defense, and Joseph Addai had an anemic day on the ground. At least Antonio Gates showed why he's money at the TE position and Jeremy Maclin had a decent day once Michael Vick started slinging him the ball. But at least it's not like Static's bench did any better (Danny Woodhead was credited with no points). It's not like he had left Arian Foster and his Throwing-Bears-Through-A-Wormhole 46-point day wasting away on the sidelines, because that's what Rambler did and he still won his match over Bex and her Battlin' Butterflies, as if to rub it in Static's face that he could leave the biggest bear-tosser in Fantasy Football that week on the bench and still have a better day than Team Krapsody. Are you going to take that, Static? Are you going to let Rambler smack you in the face with such an insult? No? Then do something about it in Week Two!
Anyway, Renal Failure is 1-0 to the start the season, which is a favorable sign because that's how we started last season, which was then followed by eight more victories before losing our first game in November to the eventual champions La Machine in Week 10. So the trends are on the side of the People's Champion once again, as well as the Bear NASA duo of Tom Brady and Chris Johnson.
Next week, The Eunuchs get their first taste of the Wild Card (bitches!). Don gave LOBO a run for his money in Week One, losing 108-103, but can he put up those numbers again when facing the infamous Renal Failure? We'll have a preview of this match-up later in the week. In the meantime, we have to go oil ourselves up.
__________________________________________________________________________________ ---Renal Failure is in three other leagues because statistically speaking we can't suck in all of them.
The season ended last weekend for our league, and I've got the shakes. I need a fix.
During the season, a few of the guys here in the league, Chris, Joe, Renal Failure and Lobo, and I go to a chatroom over at Yahoo StatTracker and shoot the bull about the games.
This week, I decided for gits and shiggles to go and see what I could find.
This is what I found:
Damn.
But then I looked again. There was an important caveat at the bottom.
Wait a minute. Let's click on that link.
I did and found this:
While not a stat tracker, it does keep track of the games...and most importantly, down in that right-hand corner is...
Now I'm just here waiting for the boys to come on over and join me...oh, wait, not how it sounds...
Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Blog will be back in the upcoming weeks as a few of us here, including Chris, Renal Failure and I, will put up our predictions for the playoffs. Um, yeah, we know...
I'm looking to cook Team Duckgirl's goose here in the first round of the playoffs, although I don't think it will be as easy this time around as it was the first time during the regular season when I cooked her goose 85-21. As of this morning, I'm projected by the folks at Yahoo to beat her 85-84.
The first time, she actually forget to field a team, not playing Tony Romo or DeAngelo Williams aka DWillIII. This time, both are in the lineup, plus Mike Sims Walker, who starts tonight vs. the Colts. But I counter her with Aaron Rodgers, who has been solid all year, and DeSean Jackson, aka my own D-abbreviated player, DJax, who is coming back from a concussion and giving other teams' cornerbacks coronaries in the process. Plus I have my secret/not-so-secret weapon now in Quinton Ganther:
Sure, it was the Oakland Raiders that Ganther burned for two touchdowns, and not the New York Giants, but if there's one thing I've learned in fantasy football, it's that you gotta to have faith.
I even have faith in Randy Moss (who admittedly I flipped off again in my last post), because if there is a second thing I've learned about fantasy football, it's forgiveness (just like I hope you'll "forgive me" for using this video of eye candy).
After all, The Dude did bounce back from his earlier bad games this season. After putting up two points against the Jets (and Revis) in Week 2, he did return in Week 3 with 16 the following week against the Falcons, and then after putting up three points against Denver in Week 5, he did bounce back in Week 6 with 35 points.
And, of course, if there are third and fourth things I've learned about fantasy football (to steal a page from Chris Cameron's book), it's "Never get involved in a land war in Asia" and "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line."
On second thought, after seeing the video and remembering the quotes in context, I'm hoping Allison (Duckgirl) is Sicilian.
I've had a love/hate relationship with Randy Moss this year.
In September, I hated him when he gave me this many points:
Then in November, I loved him when he gave me 34 points, and said he could be the one to give out the fingers.
After Sunday's performance, in which he gave me 1 point, on 1 reception for 16 yards, and I lost 83-102 to Lobo's Predator Press squad, I've changed my mind yet again on Mr. Moss.
I hate him.
From now on, Mr. Moss, I'm going to be the one giving out the finger or fingers because thanks in part to you, I didn't make it into the top 4 and have a shot at taking on Renal Failure.
-----
However, to be fair, it wasn't all Randy.
When your kicker outscores your quarterback, in this case, Billy Cundiff outscored Aaron Rodgers 12-11, you know you're in trouble.
I'm just glad Cundiff didn't outscore everybody else on my team, especially DJax who had 28 points, on 6 catches for 178 yards, and...
...my pickup of the week, Quinton Ganther, who tallied 21 points with two rushing touchdowns, or as I'm calling him QGanth. No fingers for either of them...
...or for my opponent either. He had Drew Brees and Brandon Marshall. What can I say?
courtesy of Abstruse Goose (click photo for original)
At least, you three played a good game. Thanks, gentlemen.
A year ago Leigh the Fantasy Virgin beat me both in the regular season and by one point in the Championship game.
It turns out the team was run by her husband Joe, a reversal in a sense to the tv show "The League" where one of the owners' team is actually run by his wife....
...which makes this picture of Fantasy Virgin claiming the Championship prize very awkward being that it is actually Joe kissing the trophy. But that topic is better left to another post, and frankly to the professionals in the field of cross dressing.
So here we are at Week Fourteen and La Machine plays Defending Champion. Joe's team should be dead in the water after going 2-4 in the last six weeks but like Jason the guy is still hanging around for a post-season berth.
It is time to end this charade and no better person to take Defending Champion down then the team that lost to them in the HBFFL Super Bowl. The battle of football wits has begun.
I'm the man in black and I have spend years developing an immunity to fantasy football teams trying to beat me to make the post-season. You are next up on the defeat list Joe.
My wife dishes out some of her homemade stew Sunday afternoon as I hoped the Carolina Panthers would dish out some of their own stew in Jonathan Stewart, aka JStew...
...and they did, as Stew scored one touchdown, rushed for 120 yards on 26 carries and amassed 23 fantasy points for my team en route to a 98-74 win over Sith Lord Chris Cameron.
I said I wouldn't and that it would be another tight matchup between us.
At the end of Sunday's games, it couldn't be any tighter, with each of us having 64 points. His Wes Welker outscored my Randy Moss by the palindromic 21-12.
Then came last night where I had only one player, Aaron Rodgers, to his two players, Ryan Grant and Ray Rice.
The thing is while Chris's secret was that he is a Sith Lord, my secret is that I'm a Jedi Knight:
Jedi Knight trumps Sith Lord, not only in Star Wars mythology, but also in fantasy football, plus it doesn't hurt that I look a little like Jesus and I wear kick-ass boots...
...as Chris learned when ARod outscored his own running back and his opponent's running back, 34-10, last night to give me the 98-74 victory.
Next week: ARod faces a bigger challenge in Drew Brees, but I'm hoping to have Steve Slaton and DeSean Jackson back in the lineup to help ARod slay the dragon. Tune in next Tuesday to see if they and I were successful in our quest...
...and later today: Renal Failure celebrates his latest victory and breaks down the possible scenarios that could lead to his ultimate defeat.
Unfortunately for Defending Champion, this past week, it wasn't he.
His No. 1 QB, Ben Roethlisberger, was out with a concussion, so he had to play his No. 2 QB, Matt Ryan.
And we all know what happened there, as Ryan went down to be replaced by one of those Noname Dillholes I discussed yesterday.
Theoretically, DC could have won if he had played Miles Austin who scored 23 points to Reggie Wayne's 7 points and/or played Jamaal Charles who scored 20 points to Wayne's teammate Joseph Addai's equally woeful 7 points.
He then could have defeated me 105-93 instead of losing like he did 93-89 (no thanks to Marques Colston for putting up 23 points to almost give me a heart attack Monday night and Randy Moss only putting up an infernal 6 points).
Of course, I could have played Chris Chambers in my flex as suggested by Chris Cameron and Renal Failure instead of Bernard Scott and gotten five more points than Scott's 8 points to take me to 98, but still would have lost, 105-98.
Still I wish I had played Chambers instead of Scott, because it would have been more palindromic with the final score being 98-89 instead of the 93-89 which seems so much more banal in comparison.
Alas, beggars can't be choosers. I'll have to take the win, no matter how prosaic it is.
At least, I'm 6-6 and just hope I'm able to go .500 as the regular season ends and I face Chris and RF (edited after comment by RF correcting me that I'm not playing him in week 14 to say the following...), I mean, Lobo in the last two games. To be honest, that's my only goal this year...to win both games, possibly get into one of the top four spots and then win the whole shebang (as if) would be just icing on the cake for me.
Addendum: I know I could have used the popular Rod Stewart version of The Persuaders original song, but I liked the idea of a smiling Jamaican, mon. It fit more with how I felt after this week's win, and I couldn't resist rubbing it in a little to Defending Champion, my nemesis from last year, even if I didn't know it was he...I and the rest of the league thought it was his wife. Plus The Dude said in that post (click on link), and I quote, "And I'm still gonna kick all your asses this year in Fantasy Football, bitches." I beat you twice, I beat you twice, na na na.
Addendum to the addendum: Of course, now if you look at the comments as of this afternoon/evening, I pull out my own ass-kicking comment directed to Lobo that could come back to haunt me: "It's just another ass to kick, to my way of thinking. ;)" Even though I put in the emoticon, it could mean trouble. Oh, well, let the chips fall where they may.
Back in September, Randy Moss gave me this many points:
At the time, I said I still would have played him, that I'd take back one of those fingers I gave him and save the other one for when he screwed me over the next time.
After Mr. Moss's Sunday night performance of nine receptions for 179 yards and two touchdowns, which gave me 34 points (coincidentally the same number of points his Patriots put up in the 35-34 loss to the Colts) and the 113-100 win over Prestige Worldwide, I'd publicly like to say Randy, I'm sorry. I'm taking back the other finger too.
From now on, I'll let you be the one to give out the fingers:
This week I'm in a trash talking mood. I don't know why, but I am...
...on Facebook are the Phillies fans who are talking trash about my Yankees, so I can't stay silent.
Here, it's Renal Failure, who despite his "League Blast" over on Yahoo Fantasy Football being "Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to beat every team you meet," is anything but polite...and I quote from his latest post:
...the People demand bloody retribution.
and then this:
But you're not from where Renal Failure's from. Because if you were, you'd be fucking dead.
And finally this, in comparison mild invective but still an invective nonetheless:
You take the People's Champion lightly and we'll eat your sandwich. WE EAT IT UP!
I don't know, but where I'm from, "you'd be fucking dead" doesn't rate as "polite."
He also quotes Ric Flair To be The Man, you've got to be The Man.
In response, I'd just like to remind him of this:
The Man can be beaten.
And this time, there will be no "I'm sorry I love you" when I place the Sweet Chin Music on you, Mr. Renal Failure.
Oh, and a couple of things:
You're no Ric Flair yet, by the way. He won 16...let's see, you've won how many titles? None.
If you're going to paraphrase that quote: "Be polite, be efficient..." then you need to be The Sniper, not The Scout, as you put in your earlier post.
At least, I know who am I. I'm The Sniper and The Heartbreak Kid, all rolled up into one, and bringing a major can of whoop ass to you, Renal Failure...politely, of course, but still bringing it.
And if you look closely at the :27 second mark. You're already X'd out. I've already waved goodbye to your head, wanker.
In my first matchup against a girl this year, as in my first matchup against a girl (or so I thought) last year, I was spanked.
This time, it was at the hands of Paula from Paula's Playground in payback for the mild spanking I gave her last year as I escaped by the skin o' my teeth. This time, it was I who received the mild spanking.
Yes, this Thomas Jones:
He had 22 carries for 210 yards, plus one touchdown, but the Jets still lost. Paula didn't, though, as he gave her 33 points (which he then passed on to me in a manner of speaking)! Add Owen Daniels' 19 points and Larry Fitzgerald's 21 points, and what you have is what you see above.
Me? I ignored Rule No. 326 of fantasy football: After making a trade for big players, play them, at least if they're healthy. Last week I received Steve Slaton, Tim Hightower and Jerricho Cotchery in a trade for Steven Jackson, Derrick Ward and Chad Ochocinco to Renal Failure. Cotch was injured, but I only played Slaton...
...if only I had played Hightower instead of Sammy Morris and Steve Breaston instead of DeSean Jackson (although in this case, I think I erred in good faith), I could have defeated Paula 132-130 and played this song again:
Next up: another girl, Allison from Tales from LaLa Land and Team Duckgirl, in a battle at the bottom of the HBFFL barrel.
HBFFL has some ideas to pass the time until NFL training camp opens up in July. One thing not to do is make really lame lol pics like the one above.
Do a Puzzle
Okay, who the hell put this one in? A puzzle? Really? While you are at why don’t you invite Grandma over for some pinochle and remind her to bring extra ribbon candy.
Oh and tell her thanks for the Christmas card with the coins in it. No, really, thanks.
Play Fantasy Hockey
Ha ha ha ha. You might as well play fantasy Soccer.
Taunt Your League in the Off Season
So what if you finished ninth? Send your league mates email taunts and verbal jabs declaring how awesome you will be next season.
They will rue the day they beat you by twenty points twice last year. They will probably also issue a restraining order but don’t let obstacles deter you.
Watch Lost
Man what a show, and it’s coming back in a few weeks. I really want to know how Marshall and Holly got off the island. Will the sleestacks be able to find their former home after it got moved by Ben?
No Cha-ka! Don’t eat Walt!
Read our Postseason Predictions
Sure they are not fantasy but they are football. You could even pretend the analysis and predictions are about your fantasy team. You could even dress up like your favorite team mascot while reading them. We might think this is delusional but we tend to be opinionated.
I could go on all day, so why don't you tell us what you plan on doing in the offseason in the comments section? Someone will read them, promise. Okay I think someone will.
Burress, who accidentally shot himself Friday night in the right thigh at a Manhattan nightclub, did not enter a plea on the class C felony charges, though his attorney said Burress planned to plead not guilty.
Great quotes from the article include this quote from his lawyer, Benjamim Brafman:
"He is standing tall. He is a mature adult."
Uh, huh, sure.
And this quote from Paul Browne, NYP Deputy Commissioner for Public Information:
"It was a universe of silence after this shooting."
I, for one, as an owner of Burress on my fantasy squad, will not be silent. I will be benching him in favor of Domenik Hixon, who I picked up today off the free agency list. I'd like to kick his ass to the curb but under the rules of our league (no, honest) he is an undroppable player-- and I don't think anyone is going to want to trade for him. Anyone want a gunshot player, who already had a hamstring injury? Anyone? If so, let me know. I'll be happy to trade him for whatever douche bag you can offer.
****
Oh, yeah, FYI: Like the Giants this past week, I did win this past week, despite not having Burress in my lineup. Next up: The Menschwarmers, and then if I win, I get to face Leigh, who already has spanked me twice, in the first round of the playoffs.
