Thursday, September 17, 2009

Wild Card, Bitches!



Fact: All four of the Championship Playoffs last season won their Week One game (La Machine, Fantasy Virgin, The White Strypers, and The Ramblers). The fifth 1-0 team ended the season in last place at 2-12.

So let's look at the Week One winners and figure out who's making the playoffs and who's finishing last in '09.

Defending Champions - With Drew Brees putting up Tecmo Bowl numbers, the only way they're finishing last is if Brees loses both arms in a farming accident. We'll call them The Brains, as they had the good sense to pick up Julius Jones and Cedric Benson as free-agents after the draft and they put up good numbers to compliment Brees' ridiculous Week One.

Team Duckgirl - Tony Romo can sling it, Greg Jennings can catch it, and the tandem of DeAngelo Williams and Frank Gore can run it. Since she was the only female owner to win in Week One, she gets to be The Looks.

Totes McGoats - It's hard to say that a team with Adrian Peterson on it won't make the playoffs. Watching him manhandle Cleveland's defense makes this team The Brawn.

What the Canuck? - Our resident team from Marxist Red Canada is relying a lot on the success of the Buffalo Bills (he's got five of them on his roster), but maybe Peyton Manning can even out that imbalance. I'd say this makes them The Ducky, the oddball with the overdeveloped sense of loyalty. But Ducky didn't get to walk out of Pretty in Pink with Molly Ringwald (fuck you, Blaine!).

And that brings us to Renal Failure. Unlike the above teams, the People's Champion has something that these other teams don't: unpredictability. You can look at the lineups of these other 1-0 teams and know exactly how they're going to beat you. But who saw the Philadelphia Eagles Defense/Special Teams putting up 31 points this past week? Certainly not La Machine.

What's that make us? THE WILD CARD, BITCHES!

What about the 0-1 teams? Who are they? Let them hash that out on their own posts. But they don't get coffee, because coffee is for closers.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are a trip, my friend. A trip. You definitely are unpredictable. Can't wait to face you this season. It ought to be fun...

I'm hope for the wild card too. Great clip, btw. It's been so long since I've seen that show (no cable or satellite will do that to you).

Unfinished Rambler said...

Ooops, that was me.

Anonymous said...

There is no doubt that I am the brain of this game. However, my alcohol consumption has killed the majority of my brain cells and unless Adrian Peterson sprains his ankle against the Detroit Kitty Cats, and Brees has a remarkable game vs. Eagles (31pts last week); The Look will be the early favorite to take the "Crown".
Defending Champion

Anonymous said...

I meant Brawn instead of Looks. Should have stopped at 2 margaritas last night!