Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Don't Cry For Me Argentina -You Are Making Us All Look Like Whiny Bitches

FEEL the agony.
Feel it.
Predator Press


Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings.

-LOBO was ultimately defeated in 2013.

I would first like to take a magnanimous, sportsmanly moment to congratulate the Future Ex-Cons' stinky-faced poo-poo head manager KAHN (if in fact that is his real name). And now that I've got that over with, I want to attach my lengthy list of people that should be blamed for this utter travesty:

#1) Adrian Peterson

In fantasy sports, “Never Sit Your Superstars” is a general rule. Especially when they are injured, listed as “Questionable,” facing the team yielding the least amount of points to running backs in the entire NFL, and in a fairly inconsequential game.

Do you have some kind of problem with rules, Mister Peterson? And what kind of name is “Adrian” anyway? Is that French?

#2) Pope Francis

Tied up with busywork like “World Peace,” and “Poverty” and crap, Pope Francis never once answered my calls.

-In fact every time I called the Vatican, all they did was mock me, babbling in some incomprehensible foreign language they totally made up.

#3) Al Gore

For creating the Internet: a media substrate that made me look like a fantasy football fumbledork asshat in front of all Humankind and Renal Failure last week.

#4) Rebecca Black

Instead of poring over football statistics, I probably listened to this song waaaaaay too much.

-If she weren't the 21st Century version of the Beatles, I would probably be inconsolable right now.

#5) Unfinished Rambler

Who I owe a really nice trade, and dropped out of The League this year -thus bringing me incalculable Bad Karma.

(I'm "on" to your plan, Bryan.)

#6) Hurricane Katrina

I don't know how KAHN got President George W. Bush Junior on his side, but I am demanding a full investigation of their relationship.


This list could go on and on and on and on and on, but it's really hard to type or say the word "on" with a revolver in your mouth.  Plus I need to start mock drafting for next year.  So in closing, I am thinking about putting a podcast studio together, possibly replete with a streaming recordable Skype function.

-Anyone interested in doing live trash talk in 2014?

Sunday, December 22, 2013

LOBO, he tasks me.

Lobo. He tasks me...
It's championship week and I find myself pitted against Lobo in both my leagues. My #1 Future Ex-Cons vs. his #2 Predator Press in the HBFFL and my #2 From Behind! vs. his #1 pwn.exe. I hate him soooooo much...sooooooo much. As of this post, he's going with his Nick Foles (he previously was starting Jay Cutler at QB), Brandon Marshall, and Justin Tucker combo. I'll admit, I'm worried about this one. I have fears that this entire season will be all for naught as I lose to an auto-drafter...an Auto-Drafter!!! Sure Lobo makes more moves during the season than 6 Wilt Chamberlains (or one Ron Burgundy).
But he's a fraking Auto-Drafter!!
In the end, I pray that good triumphs over the evil that is Lobo. That way the good children of the world can continue to have a Christmas. Is it so much to ask for Lobo to pull a Wil Shatner and scream out, "Khaaaaaaan!"

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Week 16: 2013 Humor Bowl preview

by Renal Failure

"Oh, let's see what how my fantasy team did to- OH GOOD LORD!"

When you get savagely beat 153-87 in your playoff game... when you get savagely beat by someone scoring the biggest point total of the season... you just want to crawl into a hole and not come out until 2014.  Our only solace is that it didn't matter that we left Zac Stacy's 27 points on the bench, which would have made the score 153-110, which is still a large margin to be crushed by.

Nick Foles threw a 42-point bear into outer space.  Eddie Lacy had 28 points on the ground for the Packers. Hell, even Justin Tucker had as many points as our leading scorer Cam Newton (20pts).  Shit went wrong for the People at the worst time. McCoy and Moreno vanished. Nelson came up small. Just an ugly, ugly week for Renal Failure.

So Predator Press and LOBO convincingly advance to the 2013 Humor Bowl to face Troi's Ex-Cons, who beat Delusion of Adequacy by a non-convincing 86-74.  One of these teams is going to be the first multiple championship winner in the HBFFL, and if Troi does it he will be the first consecutive championship winner too. 


So how do PredPress and Ex-Cons stack up?  Yahoo! gives the edge to PredPress 108-102 in their initial projections, and that's with LOBO inexplicably having Nick Foles benched in favor of Colin Kaepernick as we write this. PredPress looks to get Adrian Peterson back, and if Lacy should do well against Pittsburgh if Aaron Rodgers remains out.  Brandon Marshall should have some fun vs. the Eagles, much like Greg Jennings did last week.

Ex-Cons as usual must depend on Peyton Manning to come up big vs. Houston, which is likely.  Frank Gore will probably have a big game vs. Atlanta.  Marshawn Lynch will have trouble going into Beast Mode vs. Arizona though.  That's troublesome.  A.J. Green's going to need a big game for Troi to stay in this.

We're picking Predator Press to be your 2013 Humor Bowl champions. If you can beat Renal Failure three times in a season, you deserve to hold the title. Plus LOBO has Denver TE Julius Thomas in the lineup, and any points he get will cancel out Manning's

Guess we'll go set up our lineup for the consolation game...

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of the HBFFL, and one time was the actual champion of the HBFFL. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Week 15: Playoffs? Don't talk about - oh, okay go ahead, it's cool

by Renal Failure

What do Chun Li and everyone else who didn't make the playoffs have in common...

The HBFFL regular season is over and your playoffs are set.  Your number four seed is RaiderDad's Delusion of Adequacy by way of their Week 14 victory over Purple Drank, coupled with Bourbon Blaster's loss to Predator Press. Joe can take solace that even if he had won vs. PredPress he still wouldn't have made the playoffs, which means he will not be haunted by his odd decision to start Lamar Miller instead of Ryan Mathews.

So congratulations to Delusion for making the playoffs for the second straight year, along with Future Ex-Cons - your number one seed in the HBFFL championship brackets at 11-3.  PredPress's victory over the Blasters earned them a 10-4 record, good for 2nd place. Their 1423 points scored gave them the tie-breaker over 10-4 Renal Failure, giving the People's Champ the coveted 3-seed which has spawned the most champions in HBFFL history.

Time to do some playoff previews...

Playoffs are a lot of fun until something suddenly goes wrong. Then your anus starts bleeding...

Future Ex-Cons vs. Delusion of Adequacy
Yahoo! does not like RaiderDad's chances, giving Ex-Cons a 103-87 initial projected edge in this matchup.  Peyton Manning is projected for 33 points vs. San Diego and that seems a right considering he's coming off back-to-back 40+ point games and San Diego's not a strong defensive team.  Delusion's WR Josh Gordon is projected for 12 vs. Chicago, but that seems ridiculously low considering Gordon has racked up games of 25, 34, 45, and 31 over the past four weeks since coming off the bye week. 

Eric Decker's probably going to have a big day now that Wes Welker is out.  If Frank Gore and Marshawn Lynch perform as projected, there's not going to be much Delusion can do.  Is RaiderDad really to put his faith in Matt Ryan throwing a bear into deep space?  Well, maybe... he is playing the Redskins.  Combined with a big Matt Forte day or Giovani Bernard catching fire, there's a chance Delusion could play the spoiler.  A slim chance, mind you, because Yahoo! says Ex-Cons has a 66% chance of winning this week. But hey, RaiderDad's riding a three-game winning streak into the playoffs - and over the last four he's averaged almost 110 points a game - so beware those hot teams!

Nothing rips your guts out harder than being a big favorite in the playoffs and choking...

Predator Press vs. Renal Failure
Predator Press gets a wink and a nod and a handy under the table from Yahoo! prognosticators, bestowing a projected 101-94 victory over your People's Champion Renal Failure in Week 15.  LOBO is riding the Nick Foles train as hard as he can, and there's no signs of it stopping like that one week when vs. Dallas when he forgot how to play QB.  Touchdowns are plentiful in Chicago for Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery to pluck. Julius Thomas should pull down some big Peyton Manning passes this week vs. the Chargers.

Inez Sainz, we pray to you and your tight
jeans so that we may be victorious
in our crusade for a 2nd HBFFL title!
But LOBO's RB situation has become murky. Adrian Petersen is down, and Eddie Lacy might not be able to go for the Packers. Does he trust Chris Johnson - Mr. CJ2K - with the rock when Shonn Green's been taking away valuable touches on a Titans squad that is facing a tough Arizona defense?

Renal Failure has their own problems.  Welker is out with a concussion, and WR is not our strong point regarding bench depth. Considering the matchup with the Redskins, we're putting our faith in the Falcons' Harry Douglas.  He's struggled the last few weeks since lighting up the Buccaneers in Week 11, so we're hoping he's due for some big numbers.  Yeah... not looking good there.  Might need Jason Witten to really step it up vs. the Pack (even though the Cowboys suck in December - yes I said "suck" ESPN! What'cha gonna do about it?).

Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory -
grant us our vengeance over LOBO!

But your People's Champ still has Knowshon Moreno and LeSean McCoy at RB, the highest scoring RB tandem in the HBFFL.  McCoy put up a bear-thrown-out-of-the-Milky-Way 42 points in 8-inches of snow in Week 14.  Hey Chip Kelly, give this man the ball! Shady McCoy wins games! Remember it, repeat it, do it!

It might come down to unorthodox scoring for Renal Failure to pull this out. RF does have the 2nd highest scoring kicker in the HBFFL in Matt Prater, and Arizona is the 3rd highest scoring Defense in the league too.  It's a stretch, but we've won with crazy shit like this before. That's why we're also known as The Wild Card (bitches!).  Then again, LOBO's kicker and defense combo (Justin Tucker and Carolina) are projected for 19 points while ours is only projected for 17.

All right, trends!  We can look at previous playoff games.  RF and PP have faced off twice before in the playoffs, splitting their games. However, in each game, the projected underdog has emerged victorious!  So yeah!  Finally, we got something going for us!

We don't know how but goddamn it LOBO is not going three straight years without losing to the People's Champion!

No matter if you make it to the championship game or you get knocked out in the first round, our HBFFL playoff teams can take solace that they are not the NoNames this season.  But hey Nonamedufus, at least you finished 9th above Gerrog even though you lost the last 10 games straight! Um... it gets better?

Renal Failure is the 2010 HBFFL champion and is tied for 2nd most-regular season wins in HBFFL history (51 - tied with Predator Press) and is tied for 1st with most career playoff wins (4 - tied with Chris's Purple Drank/La Machine teams).

Saturday, December 7, 2013

I Think The Fat Lady Has Sung

Good Lord, the 9th place nonames (3-10) are playing the 1st place Future Ex-Cons (10-3) this week. I'm taking my cue from Sylvia Plath…and Renal Failure.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Week 14: The Taco Grande Finale

by Renal Failure

When your WR's don't score, you take a savage beating...

Bald Spots got the drop on us in Week 13 with a 103-75 win. Twas a middling week for the People's Champion. Average outings for Shady McCoy and Knowshon Moreno.  Cam Newton, very nice 29 point day to make it close.  But Jordy Nelson and Wes Welker have gone dry for the People, and that's a cause for concern as we approach the playoffs.

Bald Spots isn't celebrating much because even with the win they've been eliminated from playoff contention, due to Delusions of Adequacy beating Gerrog's Ninjas.

Chun Li didn't trip up Bourbon Blasters in Week 13, it was Future Ex-Cons!  Ah Joe, you could have controlled your own destiny...

LOBO gets his 9th win and a playoff spot with his victory over Purple Drank, leaving only one spot open for the two remaining teams in the playoff hunt: Bourbon Blasters and Delusion of Adequacy. Delusion sits at 7-5-1, Blasters at 7-6.  Let's run the Week 14 scenario simulator:
  1. Delusion beats Purple Drank, Blasters beat PredPress = Delusion makes the playoffs
  2. Delusion loses to Purple Drank, Blasters beat PredPress = Blasters make the playoffs
  3. Delusion and Blasters both lose = Delusion makes the playoffs
Predator Press has an interest in winning because if they win and Future Ex-Cons loses, both LOBO and Troi will have 10-4 records, with only a slim 16-point edge in Ex-Cons' favor regarding the tiebreaker for the number one seed.  But why would a team want the number one seed when number one seeds almost never win the HBFFL crown?

The answer will shock you... maybe... perhaps befuddle you...sort of?

Because Renal Failure is locked in as either a 2 or a 3 seed, and Renal Failure is a lifetime 4-2 in the championship playoffs, and both those losses were in the HBFFL Championship Game (aka The Humor Bowl).  Who'd be eager to have us as their first round opponent?  No one, that's who.

Artist representation of NoNames' season
NOTE: Predator Press is 3-2 lifetime in the playoffs. We're not counting his consolation game victory in 2009. And yes, Ex-Cons are 2-0 lifetime in the playoffs, but they've only made the playoffs once.  RF and PredPress made it three years straight from 2009 through 2011.

If Ex-Cons, PredPress, and RF all win in Week 14. Ex-Cons gets the 1 seed, PredPress the 2, and RF the 3.  PredPress wins, Ex-Cons loses, and RF wins, they all finish with 10-4 records and the loser of the PredPress/Ex-Cons tie-breaker faces 3rd seed Renal Failure because your People's Champ is 97-points behind the Ex-Cons in points scored.  But the odds of Ex-Cons losing in Week 14 are slim because they're playing NoNames and nonamedufus hasn't beaten anyone since Week 4.  He is 0-for-October and November.

NOTE: Good News, NoNames!  The record for consecutive losses in a season is 11 (The Menschwarmers in 2008). You can only reach 10 if you lose in Week 14. Now get your head out of that oven!

Being a 3-seed suits us fine because, as you may have read in a previous post, 3-seeds have won the most HBFFL titles (and we were one of them!)

Do you see Renal Failure? Think very carefully about that...

And sure, if we win and PredPress loses, we get the 2nd seed and LOBO gets the 3rd seed, but that just sets us up for an ultimate revenge game to break our losing streak to Predator Press that reaches back to 2011.  When was the last Renal Failure win over Predator Press? In the playoffs  -the championship game of 2010. How many times has Renal Failure lost an opening round playoff game? Zero. Has any team gone three full seasons without losing to Renal Failure?  No.

The universe is in motion, setting up a big finish to the HBFFL regular season and an epic 2013 playoffs for the coveted Humor Bowl. 

Renal Failure is the People's Champion of the HBFFL and its 2010 Champion. Renal Failure will make like Mike Tomlin and trip your ass to win another title. Don't you doubt that for a second.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Silly Twit No-win Nonames

We're gonna skip all the blow-by-blow intricacies. All you need to know is with this week's loss to Kerridan's Okay Team, nonames has now lost 9 weeks in a row, has a 3-10 record and sits in 9th place in the HBFFL.

If you missed us in action in Week 13, I've saved you the video tape…