Friday, December 11, 2009
Week 14: Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck? Round Two
Renal Failure journal. December 11th, 2009. Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. What the Canuck? is afraid of us. The accumulated dreck of Canucklehead's devotion to the Buffalo Bills will foam up about his waist, and he'll look up and shout "Let me make the playoffs." And we'll whisper "No."
It's Week 14, the last game of the regular season, the last chance for desperate souls to grab hold of a playoff berth. And What the Canuck? fits the bill of a desperate soul considering they've gone 3-6 since starting the season 4-0 (Renal Failure handed them their first loss of the season in Week 5), and the fact that they lose every tiebreaker with the remaining playoff eligible teams (though they aren't frantically hitting the waiver wire, unloading and loading entire rosters in a single sitting like Predator Press and the Ramblers). Canuck squandered their chance to control their destiny by being on the receiving end of the Toyota Fantasy Football Blowout of Week 13 vs. Defending Champions, 133-79. Now they're forced into a must-win situation against a team that has not only lost just once in thirteen games but is the only team in the league this season to put up more points than DefChamps.
Now some of our more clever readers might say "Hey Renal Failure, wouldn't you be better off letting Canuck win so that you'd play him in the first round of the playoffs? All he has is Peyton Manning. DefChamps employs an entire bear space program starring Chris Johnson, La Machine is deep at WR and might get Michael Turner back, and the Ramblers have Aaron Rodgers and Randy Moss." And those are valid points, but you will have forgotten two little things...
Renal Failure plays to win the game. And Renal Failure is not a fucking douchebag.
You see, if the situations were swapped and DefChamps tanked their game with Canuck just so they wouldn't have to play us in the playoffs, well we'd be a little miffed.
We're tired of losing to Perdue too.
Besides, it's not like we can guarantee that Canuck would be the fourth seed anyway. A Rambler loss and a La Machine loss would bump Canuck up to the third seed, and then we'd still have to play Defending Champions because they'd win the tiebreaker vs. Rambler and Machine. Then La Machine, who's also the commissioner, would be pissed at us because if we had beaten Canuck he would have made it into the playoffs in that four-way tie for the last two spots scenario.
No, forget all that. The People's Champion plays to win the game.
And Yahoo! likes the People's chances of winning too. A check of the projections on Thursday have the Wild Card beating the Ducky 97-90. But the Bills are playing Kansas City, and the Chiefs are a very generous team when it comes to Fantasy Points so T.O. and Fred Jackson could outperform their projections. Then again Stephen Jackson on the People's side is only projected for 12 vs. Tennessee, and SJax has been almost automatic when it comes to 100 yard rushing games since the Week 6 trade with Rambler, and he can find the end zone too.
But even if What the Canuck? pulls out a surprise victory this week, it's no big thing to the People's Champion. If it happens we'll probably get to face Canuck in the first round of the playoffs. And remember... nobody circles the wagons like Renal Failure.
---When the whole world is a joke, the only sensible thing to be is Renal Failure.