Tuesday Morning QB On Monday with apologies to Joe and Randy

In the spirit of Yom Kippur, I would like to make a couple of apologies in this week's Tuesday Morning QB, which like last week is brought to you on a Monday. This time I have ARod, SJax, DJax, RMoss, and, last but not least, DBrees, to thank for being able to post a day early, but this time with a win.

First, I apologize to Joe Ohlstein, or as he likes to call himself in our fantasy football league at least this year, Defending Champion. Last year, he hid behind the mask of Fantasy Virgin, which we thought was his wife, Leigh, but turned out actually to be him.

At least, this year he has "man"-ned up to admit to his sex change.

I am sorry (so sorry) that I didn't play David Akers at kicker and Steve Breaston at wide receiver in our fantasy football matchup this past weekend against you, Joe (or should I say, Josephine?). If I had, I would have kicked your ass by a score of 125-48 instead of the mere 115-48 that I did. Instead I used Lawrence Tynes and Chad Ochocinco and went easy on you. Consider yourself lucky.

Second, I apologize to Randy Moss for bad-mouthing you in my previous Tuesday Morning QB post. However, I'm still reserving that finger for you, Randy, if need be. So be forewarned. I'll use it if I have to do so and like this notorious photo of Johnny Cash, it won't be pretty.

Click on photo for a song that I'm sure Joe, in his confused gender identity state, will appreciate.

Next week: a post hopefully without any middle fingers after I face Humor Blog Fantasy League Football Blog founder, Chris Cameron of Angry Seafood this coming weekend.

Tuesday Afternoon Quarterback: Sorry, I couldn't muster up energy for morning

The first time we played this season Leigh spanked me 107-78, I wrote this: in which I recounted past traumas of getting beaten up by girls.

The second time, she spanked me 168-67, I wrote this, and then even crowned her the Queen of the HBFFL:

And now she’s spanked me again, 117-88, this time in the most humiliating defeat of all, as with her victory, she goes on to the championship game against Chris Cameron, and with my loss, I go to face Matt with his White Strypers for the third time. At least, he didn’t me spank me both times we faced each other.

The first time, I demolished him 112-62, and then the second time he thought that 62 sounded so good that he held me to that same number as he scored 101 points.

In those first few posts about Leigh, I included all kinds of "poorly photoshopped crap" as my friend Poobomber over at The Other Side of Normal or "Mad Photoshopping Skillz" as I call them here and on my own blog. This time, I don’t think I can muster up the energy to "design" one.

Leigh has zapped me of all my energy.

Instead, I found a picture online that I think sums up how I feel. To see how I feel, click here.

Yep, that bad.

I’ve learned that Leigh is neither a fantasy virgin nor a fantasy slut. No, she is a fantasy dominatrix who will just leave you like that picture on the streets of Soho.

At least, that’s how I feel after this season.

Thanks, Leigh, for making my life a miserable hell. I just hope I can make it back to full strength for this weekend in time to face Matt.

Tuesday Morning QB: All hail, the Queen of the HBFFL!

So as I mentioned yesterday, Leigh spanked me again, but I didn't have the final score included then. However, this morning in the comments of that post, Leigh rubbed it in: "Actually, the final score was 168-67, and the margin of victory, in itself, was more than what 8 of the other teams scored," adding "but I'm humble."

Hell, she doesn't have to be humble. With a combined 85 points, her top two players, Drew Brees and Michael Turner (who would've thunk, Brees and Turner?!?), outscored my entire team and that wasn't even counting T.O. and Steve Smith with a combined 53 points themselves.

In fact, I will go so far as to crown Leigh the Queen of the HBFFL, because that's what she is. With a record of 9-3, she stands alone atop the standings.

Yeah, yeah, you show her some respect, beyotch.

No second guessing here today or talking about percentages. Leigh's got them all covered.

You rock, Queen Leigh, and in your honor, a little Queen:



I tried to find an appropriate Queen Latifah video, but none of them really worked, although this one is pretty close to working.

For all you ladies in the house...