2011 NFL Playoff Prediction Battle Super Bowl Edition

Time for the final edition of our not-world-famous NFL Playoff Prediction battle, the Super Bowl version. We even have a cool commercial that we ripped off from that thing the kids call the internet.



Going into the finale Renal Failure is 2-8, and myself and Unfinished Rambler are tied at 6-4.

The battle of wits has begun Rambler. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead.

2011 Super Bowl: Green Bay Packers vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

RF- Okay... so this was a bad year for picking playoff winners for your People's Champion, but we've still got those shiny 2011 HBFFL and FTWL trophies making us feel better. But we at Renal Failure are fighters and we'll play out the string because we don't know how to quit. Just ask our beleaguered Alcohol Anonymous sponsor.

We're going with Green Bay for the Super Bowl so that Aaron Rodgers can declare that he defeated a dog murderer and a rapist to win his first Super Bowl, something that Brett Favre never did. This will make A-Rodg the greatest Packer QB of all time and erase Favre from everyone's memories, like how Marty McFly's family members started disappearing from that photo in Back to the Future.

But our morbid side would like to see the Steelers win just so Big Ben can say that he's going to DisneyWorld. And then within a week we'll have a story about how Big Ben dragged Cinderella and Daisy Duck into a Magic Kingdom bathroom and made them service him. There's a story to have lingering in your mind during the lockout.

And just because we can, we're going to predict that Philadelphia will beat Los Angeles in the Lingerie Bowl during halftime. And that the real winners of the Puppy Bowl VII will be the Kitten Halftime Show, because cats rule.

(Ed note: I think Renal Failure picked Green Bay)

UR- I'm not sure how to pick this one. Should I go with the experts? If so, the overwhelming favorite, according to experts polled by ESPN, is the Packers, so I should choose the Packers. In the past, I have chosen winners by mascots or cheerleaders, and this year I thought about choosing the winner by the number of major arrests each team has had since 2000 and going with the team with the smaller number of arrests than the other team since the team with the number of smaller arrests than the other would have the moral high ground.

Or I thought conversely maybe I should go with the team with the higher number of arrests because they're real "bruisers," in some cases, literally. However, the Steelers hold only a slight edge to the Packers by 16-11 in that category, so I can't go with the moral superiority of one team over another. So how do I choose?

I had Aaron Rodgers as my quarterback on both of my fantasy football teams -- but I'm an old school Steeler fan (loved Terry Bradshaw, Lynn Swann, Franco Harris). However, this new school of Steelers, especially Ben Roethlisraper, aren't my favorite group of players and I have no one player that I particularly like. In fact, a lot of times, I think -- and I hate to say this, but I think it's true -- the new school of Steelers come across as a bunch of assholes.

However, that's not the (only) reason I'm going to pick against the Steelers. The reason I'm picking against the Steelers is Aaron Rodgers, whom I think is about to usher in a new era of Super Bowl championships for the Packers -- and Clay Matthews on defense. This will come down to a key turnover, which will be instigated by Matthews, and Roethlisraper is prone to making the big interceptions. This is not the place to make them, but he will.

Packers 27, Steelers 23

Chris- With the Packers ahead by a score, the Steelers moving the ball on offense, and three minutes left in regulation, Mike McCarthy breaks out the "Dirty Time" gimmick play on a 3rd-and-one situation. A Packers player, dressed as a cheerleader runs onto the field right after the snap. Big Ben sees the fake cheerleader, fumbles the ball, and gives chase, cornering "her" in a Porta-Potty on the sidelines.

Green Bay wins 34-28.

2009 Super Bowl Predictions

Here we are. The Super Bowl.

Can I write that legally? Oh well I just did.

Much like your favorite team bringing in Terrell Owens, the Super Bowl is a day of great joy and sadness in the football fan's heart. It is the biggest game of the year and at the same time the last one.

Try not to cry in your corn chips. You are supposed to share them with everyone after all.

Super Bowl: Pittsburgh Steelers "at" Arizona Cardinals

Matt: WTFDUDE.

Why do they use Roman numerals to tell us which super bowl it is? I feel like I'm watching a re-run of Tom and Jerry when they start flashing X's and C's. I'd really like them to start using numbers...even if they want to use the metric system. Duh.

On to the game.

A person would be stupid to bet against the Steelers. They have the defense, toughness, and AFC-ness to win the game. In fact, it could be a blowout.

But I'm not buying it. The Cardinals have played teams every week who are better than them. And what happened? Cardinals win. Cardinals win again...and again. They have something to prove to their fans and the country.

Who cares if nobody in the country can name a single defensive player on their team? They are good, and will make it a long day for the Steeler offense.

Ben double bacon Roethlisberger will have to step up to the plate as I believe the Cardinal defense is going to make it a long day for Willie Parker. I don't see much more than 60 yards for him.

On the other side, I think the Steelers will focus too heavily on Fitzgerald. Warner will break a couple long plays to another receiver who will only see man coverage. In fact, this will be the difference a low-scoring affair.

Cardinals win 17-13, and the Warner-beard becomes the latest craze.

I end up only watching 20 minutes of this boring contest, and wishing I would have ponied up for some pay-per-view lingerie halftime show.

Springstein shows his nipple while singing "Born in the USA" at halftime, and I end up as the most accurate pick-em champion of this blog. Check the results....they don't lie.

Rambler: Well, the final sign of the Apocalypse, The Pennsylvania Super Bowl, didn’t happen, as Chris and I predicted last week, as the Cardinals upset the Eagles…

…and I don’t believe the Rapture will happen this week either, as Kurt Warner, a self-proclaimed born-again Christian, will be unable to lead the Cardinals franchise to NFL Championship Heaven either for its second time (1925) and his second time (first time, Super Bowl XXXIV with the St. Louis Rams).

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well,” reads Matthew 6:33 on Warner’s personal website. To me, that seems pretty cocky, Kurt, and as a Steeler fan flies in the face of at least one of the members of this year’s squad.

To wit:

Troy Polamalu, according to this article at NFL.com, is a Greek Orthodox Christian and spent four hours in prayer on the eve of last week’s game. Pipe down with your holiness, Rev. Warner. We’ve got your holiness right here (and Greek Orthodox don’t believe in the Rapture, bub). You remember Sampson, don’t you? Well, this dude’s hair is still growing and it’s going to flow all over you. Boo-yaa.

This week, I predict that Polamalu spends even less time in prayer, as he got a good healthy dose of it last week, but his team still wins, 27-17, with much thanks to the partnership of Polamalu & Parker and the tag team tandem of R. Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, Heaven Yeah! In your face, Mr. Warner, respectfully (making the sign of the Cross backwards like the Orthodox do).

Chris: One good thing about the Super Bowl: The ads are not repetitive.

Thank God because every playoff game in any sport these days is an excuse to run 524 ads for the new hit tv show or cut to the cast of some other new hit show in the stands.

Network television, thy name is Rehab. (That's Rehab as in the prostitute from the Bible, not a suggestion that ABC go into rehab)

In the NFL, the best tactic is building a squad to beat the best teams. We saw a great example of this in the 90's when Green Bay, Dallas, and San Francisco were constantly tweaking their lineups to beat each other.

Playing in the AFC, the Steelers build to beat the Patriots. With New England out of the picture it was no surprise they ran up a 12-4 record on a very very tough schedule.

One concern a lot of people have is points. Can Pittsburgh can score enough to win?

All they have to do is keep playing the way they have and hope Big Ben doesn't get hit too much and they should be fine. Unlike most teams, the Steelers have the defense to stop Arizona.

They also are extremely physical. Pittsburgh can wear opponents down on offense and defense. Hell, even the receivers hit really hard.



Playing in the NFC, The Cardinals do not have any opponent that is that "team to beat" so they will need to execute flawlessly.

Another key for Arizona will be Pittsburgh's Cover Two defense. They need to exploit it and the offensive line needs to hold. I wonder if the Cards will pull out the plays where their tight ends run short out patterns.

Arizona's defense will allow them to stick around for awhile but Pittsburgh's experience and physical play will win the game.

Pittsburgh 31
Arizona 17

Well that wraps it up for the 2009 Playoff Predictions. Hope everyone had fun, I know I did. To send us out here are The Happenings with "See You In September"...

Fantasy Virgin Wins HBFFL Super Bowl

Folks, if you are just tuning in, I'm Greg Gumbel. Usually that is all you need to know but if you really want the HBFFL Super Bowl results, Leigh from Leigh Online's fantasy football team Fantasy Virgin have beaten Chris Cameron's team, La Machine 95-94.

We now go live to Jim Nantz who's standing by at the Super Bowl award ceremony, sponsored by Iced Gravy. Nothing refreshes like Iced Gravy. Try the new veal and pork flavors today at your local Kroger's. Jim?

So I said rectum, it damn near killed 'em! What we're live?

I'm Jim Nantz and here is the HBFFL's commisioner, Chris Cameron to present both the Championship and the MVP trophy in what was an amazing season of fantasy football. Chris?

Thanks Jim, Greg, and to everyone involved in our first season of the HBFFL. It was a fun ride and there were lots of twists and turns, especially when our league lost its only sponsor, IndyMac. We found another sponsor and even our worst teams won more games then the Detroit Lions. In the end the two best teams played each other in a championship match for the ages.

On behalf of the HBFFL I am proud to present the 2008 Chico's Bail Bonds Championship Trophy to Leigh and the Fantasy Virgins. Congratulations Leigh.


The 2008 HBFFL Super Bowl MVP is awarded to the highest-scoring player in the Championship game. This year the award goes to quarterback Jay Cutler who threw for 359 yards and two touchdowns. He also ran for 30 yards. Congratulations Jay.


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[Don't forget to see what Rambler got you all for Christmas.]