I drink your Purple Drank! I DRINK IT UP!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure






"Ta-da! Your perfect season... it's gone!"

As Chris so correctly and dutifully reminded us in the comments of our last post, he had a four-game winning streak against Renal Failure going into Week 4 of the 2011 season. Emphasis on "had" because the People's Champion has finally wrought revenge on Chris with a decisive 137-76 victory over the highest scoring team in the HBFFL, thus ruining his perfect season and knocking him out of first place.

Revenge is a dish best served cold... and it is very cold in space... where the bears are thrown...

Admittedly, Purple Drank had a very off week compared to their hot start. Matt Schaub put up an anemic ten points, the Rob Gronkowski gravy train ran out, only trickling a single point vs. Oakland, and Mike Wallace and Stevie Johnson underperformed. Even with 11-points, Alex Henery disappointed because he missed two easily-makeable field goals for the Eagles. Only the RB's Ray Rice and Michael Turner turned in notable days for Chris's Purple Drank.


And how does a 61-point loss to Renal Failure feel like? That bad, huh?

The Renal Roster finally got clicking this week, reminding this forgetful league of why Renal Failure is the HBFFL's most dangerous team. Johnson & Johnson lit it up, with CJ2K finally getting into the swing of things with a servicable 16-point day while Megatron just keeps jumping in the end zone and pulling down passes week after damn week (21 points). Tony Romo worked through his broken ribs to give us a big 27-point performance. Brandon Lloyd finally got involved in the Broncos offense, showing everyone why he was first in the league in receiving yards last year with a delicious 18 points. Jason Witten continues to dominate the tight end position with 15 points. Even the New York Jets defense got into the spirit of whooping up on Chris with a 20-point day of their own, assisted by Billy Cundiff's 10-spot. LeSean McCoy had an off-day with only 10-points, but after Ronnie Brown's Wildcat abortion at the goal line we have a feeling Shady is going to be getting a lot more red zone chances.


The Joker... Mortal Kombat... see, it's all circular, man. We bring that shit around...

So with Chris's loss, LOBO inexplicably rises the top of the HBFFL standings at 4-0. But LOBO has little time to enjoy the view, as a dangerous trio of teams sit at 3-1 ready to pounce: Purple Drank, Bourbon Blasters, and Renal Failure. And you can't forget about teams like Bald Spots and NoNames sitting at 2-2, hungry for a chance to move up in the standings and make a name for themselves. And it's not over for What the Canuck?, Future Ex-Cons and The Un-Ramblers yet, because as LOBO and Renal Failure proved last year you can easily turn a shitty first half of your season around, get hot for the playoffs, and make it to the championship. Multiple Scorgams at 0-4... uh... oh, well you look very pretty in that hat.

We now enter the tricky part of the Fantasy Football year, when most teams start having bye weeks and we see just how managers adjust to not having their usual whole starting cast available, especially if injuries have hit their lineups already. We'll have our Week 5 preview vs. The Un-Ramblers later this week. Until then, stay thirsty my friends, and lay off the Purple Drank.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Renal Failure is also an original member of the HBFFL and the band Survivor, but quit the band in disgust when they wouldn't go with his "Eye of the Mongoose" song idea.

We Threw a Week Two and Nobody on My Team Showed Up

by Renal Failure


This is how Week 2 went for the People's Champion...

The cold, hard fact of Fantasy Football life is that during the course of the season you are going to have a bad week. And by bad fantasy week, we don't mean when your wet dream about Inez Sainz suddenly morphs into a wet dream about Jessica Tandy. No, we're talking about when most of your stud starters fail to perform while your opponent has everyone clicking on all cylinders, leaving you to wonder "Where is my team and why aren't they scoring?"


"What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in this area. Your missing fugitive is the Renal Failure starting lineup."

A lot of the blame for our 105-61 drubbing goes to the Pittsburgh Steelers. For one thing, their defense put up 24 big points for Don and his Eunuchs while keeping the cornerstone of the Renal Roster Chris Johnson to only 4 points (breaking his streak of consecutive 100-yard rushing games). Then Pittsburgh's offense sucked so bad that our top receiver Hines Ward didn't get a single point.

The Renal Bench outperformed the starters with Mark Clayton and Nate Washington individually outscoring both Ward and Bowe combined, and with Clinton Portis outscoring both Chris Johnson and Pierre Thomas combined as well. So the People can take solace that the Renal Bench looks to be rather deep, especially once our trade of Drunk Driver Braylon Edwards for Sydney Rice goes through. Yeah, Rice is out until after the halfway part of the season, but Renal Failure is investing in the future.


Are you on the right track toward retirement? What about college for your children? What if you have to play Renal Failure again in Week 11? Or if Braylon Edwards has to drive you to the doctors?

We did get two things right from our preview last week: one was that Tom Brady would exceed his projected total, but 24 points is far from throwing a bear into orbit. The second was that Dwayne Bowe's performance could only go up, and it did. He quadrupled his point output from last week from 1 to 4 points. But the Philly offense was clicking under Michael Vick, only allowing David Akers to kick 5 extra points instead of the plethora of field goals we thought he'd be booting. Hell, we didn't even get the predictions on our opponents right, as Rashard Mendenhall had a poor showing for the Steelers, Michael Turner left the Atlanta game early, and Tony Romo outscored Tom Brady.

Fact: Don's squad showed up this week ready to rumble and ours didn't. Watch out for the Eunuchs. They may not have balls, but they've got some strong bear-chucking arms.

Now, getting back to our original point about bad fantasy weeks. Last season, we didn't have our bad week until the Championship Game (losing 127-62 to La Machine, the only time that year we scored under 80 points), so we're hoping now that we've got this bad week out of our system we'll be able to run the table and win the league championship.

Fact: Both previous HBFFL champions La Machine and Fantasy Virgin (aka Joe O. faking being his wife Leigh) started their seasons 1-1. See, the trends are still with Renal Failure, so if the rest of the league thinks they can jump on top of the People's Champion, you'd best be backin' up off us.


We never met our daddy...

Week Three sees the Bald Spots coming into the People's House to test Renal Failure's resolve. The last time these two teams met was the infamous Tom Brady 60-point game of '09 that gave birth to the best fantasy football catch phrase ever: throwing a bear into outer space. What new saying will be conceived this time around? Perhaps our preview later this week will have some clues. Until then, go read some books before irony takes that ability away from you.


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Renal Failure is not a dimension of sight or sound but of mind. A really sick mind.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Enjoying the cheese and whine at 4-1

"You're killing me, Petey! You're killing me!" is a line from one of my favorite football movies Remember the Titans.

This time of year, it's the bye weeks that are killing me, and not to mention the injuries early this season to my stud players, Brian Westbrook and Willie Parker, and then the off-field activities of my stud wide receiver Plaxico Burress. Dude, talk to your coaches when you're not going to be at practice. I mean, I have to tell my bosses when I'm not going to be at work, and I don't get paid millions of dollars; in fact, I'm getting minimum wage at my one job and I still have to let them know when I'm not available-- or I'm not showing up.

So let's take a look at my game last week against Rickey of Riding with Rickey with his team The Menschwarmers player-by-player (on my side) and by the percentages:

Aaron Rodgers: Sometimes the number lie. He was used in only 32 percent of public leagues yet still racked up 38 points. Take that, Brett Favre! Who's Crying Now?

T.J. Houshmandzadeh: Okay, wait, sometimes the numbers don't lie. Is it any wonder that T.J. Houshmandzadeh was used in 87 percent of public leagues last week? Even though his Bengals lost to the Cowboys, he still was able to get two touchdowns. Thank, you Who's My Daddy. You are, by the way-- at least to me after leading my top to the last year in fantasy football and still doing it this year; even if your team sucks, you don't.

Bobby Engram: Having to sit Jerricho Cotchery on the bench, I added Engram for a week and got at least a few points from him. He was used in only 18 percent of public leagues, but still managed get six points for me. Better than the zero I would have gotten if I left Cotch on the roster.

Correll Buckhalter: I didn't change my roster Saturday night and by the time I remembered Sunday morning, waa, waa, waaa, throw me a pity party, it was too late so I ended up using the player used (understandably) in only 12 percent of public leagues. It was time for Westbrook (used in 72 percent of public leagues) to shine again-- and uh, get injured again. Two broken ribs. I'm still glad I have Buckhalter at backup-- for now.

Dallas Clark: Not stellar numbers, but used in 70 percent of public leagues, he came up with eight points. I'll take it.

Larry Johnson: Uh, those numbers, they do too lie. Used in 86 percent of public leagues, he failed miserably with zero points. At least, one of the Penn State alum played well for me this week, L.J. Otherwise, I'd have to bitchslap you (uh, in my dreams).

Nate Kaeding: Those numbers really lie. Used in 91 percent of public leagues, he fell short of expectations with a mere four points; meanwhile, John Kasay, used in 48 percent of public leagues, sat on my bench and kicked his way to 10 points.

Pittsburgh Defense: Damned numbers. A measly three points, despite being used in 79 percent of public leagues. Arizona's D meanwhile used in only 12 percent of public leagues racked up 13 points against Buffalo.

On my opponent's Rickey's side, while last week I didn't see anything when AoE's team didn't bring in a player from the bench and let a player who had a bye week play, this week I have to say something since it was the second week in a row that it happened. Rickey didn't put in Donald Lee to replace Kellen Winslow at tight end, who had a bye. Rickey gave up eight points there.

Then he could have had at least two more points if he had put in Brandon Marshall played in 96 percent of public leagues (96 PERCENT, you read that right) instead of leaving Marques Colston, played in only 11 percent of public leagues, in the game. And speaking of low percentages, drop Jerry Porter, Rickey, who is being played in only 6 percent of public leagues. There has to be somebody on the waiver wire.

So Rickey could have had 10 more points. He still would have lost to me, true, so the numbers really don't lie, but it wouldn't have been the ass beating it was that I gave him. Sorry, dude, but I did.

You can beg all you want for me not to give you a further beatdown while you're down there, but I did. Yeah, yeah, you might have stolen a base, but we're playing football, be-yotch.

Honestly, I think Rickey's been too worried about this bailout stuff, elections and oh, the Mets getting their own asses beat to focus. Focus, Rickster, focus. Elections schmelections. Whatever. Bailout....blah blah blah. Mets Yankees let's face it all N.Y. teams sucked this year in baseball (and I'm a Yankees fan, yeah, you got something to say about that?) You're forgetting the important things in life: fantasy football!

Tune in next week, after The 5-1 Ramblers defeat the 3-3 La Machine and the ass beating continues, despite what the percentages may say.

Tis a shame

A perfect season no longer.




I didn't even feel the need to start a defense. (Did I really forget to start a defense?? I'm really on top of it.)