Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Enjoying the cheese and whine at 4-1


"You're killing me, Petey! You're killing me!" is a line from one of my favorite football movies Remember the Titans.

This time of year, it's the bye weeks that are killing me, and not to mention the injuries early this season to my stud players, Brian Westbrook and Willie Parker, and then the off-field activities of my stud wide receiver Plaxico Burress. Dude, talk to your coaches when you're not going to be at practice. I mean, I have to tell my bosses when I'm not going to be at work, and I don't get paid millions of dollars; in fact, I'm getting minimum wage at my one job and I still have to let them know when I'm not available-- or I'm not showing up.

So let's take a look at my game last week against Rickey of Riding with Rickey with his team The Menschwarmers player-by-player (on my side) and by the percentages:

Aaron Rodgers: Sometimes the number lie. He was used in only 32 percent of public leagues yet still racked up 38 points. Take that, Brett Favre! Who's Crying Now?

T.J. Houshmandzadeh: Okay, wait, sometimes the numbers don't lie. Is it any wonder that T.J. Houshmandzadeh was used in 87 percent of public leagues last week? Even though his Bengals lost to the Cowboys, he still was able to get two touchdowns. Thank, you Who's My Daddy. You are, by the way-- at least to me after leading my top to the last year in fantasy football and still doing it this year; even if your team sucks, you don't.

Bobby Engram: Having to sit Jerricho Cotchery on the bench, I added Engram for a week and got at least a few points from him. He was used in only 18 percent of public leagues, but still managed get six points for me. Better than the zero I would have gotten if I left Cotch on the roster.

Correll Buckhalter: I didn't change my roster Saturday night and by the time I remembered Sunday morning, waa, waa, waaa, throw me a pity party, it was too late so I ended up using the player used (understandably) in only 12 percent of public leagues. It was time for Westbrook (used in 72 percent of public leagues) to shine again-- and uh, get injured again. Two broken ribs. I'm still glad I have Buckhalter at backup-- for now.

Dallas Clark: Not stellar numbers, but used in 70 percent of public leagues, he came up with eight points. I'll take it.

Larry Johnson: Uh, those numbers, they do too lie. Used in 86 percent of public leagues, he failed miserably with zero points. At least, one of the Penn State alum played well for me this week, L.J. Otherwise, I'd have to bitchslap you (uh, in my dreams).

Nate Kaeding: Those numbers really lie. Used in 91 percent of public leagues, he fell short of expectations with a mere four points; meanwhile, John Kasay, used in 48 percent of public leagues, sat on my bench and kicked his way to 10 points.

Pittsburgh Defense: Damned numbers. A measly three points, despite being used in 79 percent of public leagues. Arizona's D meanwhile used in only 12 percent of public leagues racked up 13 points against Buffalo.

On my opponent's Rickey's side, while last week I didn't see anything when AoE's team didn't bring in a player from the bench and let a player who had a bye week play, this week I have to say something since it was the second week in a row that it happened. Rickey didn't put in Donald Lee to replace Kellen Winslow at tight end, who had a bye. Rickey gave up eight points there.

Then he could have had at least two more points if he had put in Brandon Marshall played in 96 percent of public leagues (96 PERCENT, you read that right) instead of leaving Marques Colston, played in only 11 percent of public leagues, in the game. And speaking of low percentages, drop Jerry Porter, Rickey, who is being played in only 6 percent of public leagues. There has to be somebody on the waiver wire.

So Rickey could have had 10 more points. He still would have lost to me, true, so the numbers really don't lie, but it wouldn't have been the ass beating it was that I gave him. Sorry, dude, but I did.

You can beg all you want for me not to give you a further beatdown while you're down there, but I did. Yeah, yeah, you might have stolen a base, but we're playing football, be-yotch.

Honestly, I think Rickey's been too worried about this bailout stuff, elections and oh, the Mets getting their own asses beat to focus. Focus, Rickster, focus. Elections schmelections. Whatever. Bailout....blah blah blah. Mets Yankees let's face it all N.Y. teams sucked this year in baseball (and I'm a Yankees fan, yeah, you got something to say about that?) You're forgetting the important things in life: fantasy football!

Tune in next week, after The 5-1 Ramblers defeat the 3-3 La Machine and the ass beating continues, despite what the percentages may say.