Don't Cry For Me Argentina -You Are Making Us All Look Like Whiny Bitches

FEEL the agony.
Seriously.
Feel it.

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings.

-LOBO was ultimately defeated in 2013.

I would first like to take a magnanimous, sportsmanly moment to congratulate the Future Ex-Cons' stinky-faced poo-poo head manager KAHN (if in fact that is his real name). And now that I've got that over with, I want to attach my lengthy list of people that should be blamed for this utter travesty:


#1) Adrian Peterson

In fantasy sports, “Never Sit Your Superstars” is a general rule. Especially when they are injured, listed as “Questionable,” facing the team yielding the least amount of points to running backs in the entire NFL, and in a fairly inconsequential game.

Do you have some kind of problem with rules, Mister Peterson? And what kind of name is “Adrian” anyway? Is that French?

#2) Pope Francis

Tied up with busywork like “World Peace,” and “Poverty” and crap, Pope Francis never once answered my calls.

-In fact every time I called the Vatican, all they did was mock me, babbling in some incomprehensible foreign language they totally made up.


#3) Al Gore

For creating the Internet: a media substrate that made me look like a fantasy football fumbledork asshat in front of all Humankind and Renal Failure last week.


#4) Rebecca Black




Instead of poring over football statistics, I probably listened to this song waaaaaay too much.

-If she weren't the 21st Century version of the Beatles, I would probably be inconsolable right now.


#5) Unfinished Rambler

Who I owe a really nice trade, and dropped out of The League this year -thus bringing me incalculable Bad Karma.

(I'm "on" to your plan, Bryan.)

#6) Hurricane Katrina

I don't know how KAHN got President George W. Bush Junior on his side, but I am demanding a full investigation of their relationship.

***

This list could go on and on and on and on and on, but it's really hard to type or say the word "on" with a revolver in your mouth.  Plus I need to start mock drafting for next year.  So in closing, I am thinking about putting a podcast studio together, possibly replete with a streaming recordable Skype function.

-Anyone interested in doing live trash talk in 2014?

The Unvarnished, Science-Loaded Predator Press Rebuttal To Unfinished Rambler's Unedited Potty Mouth

-LOBO, Predator Press

Why UnFinnished Rambler Needs a TV

Predator Press

Well, Well, WELL

Predator Press

[LOBO]

As the cold, icy specter of doubt cast itself over our vast nation of LOBOnia, millions and millions of Predator Press readers were left to consider a world where we might not be represented in the HBFFL finals.

Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings. Enough death and carnage! I am thusly impelled to finally speak.

Who the hell is going to clean up this mess?

Artist Rendering of
Predator Press Fan Suffering
I suppose in Week 8 they had good reason to behave as such; the long-awaited mighty Ben Roethlisberger gave me 9 points, 20% of my 47-point showing, and the Unfinished Rambler doubled that with ease. At 3-5, one more loss would have jeopardized even the last tiny sliver of hope of making the semifinals.

But while grateful for his generosity, I cannot help but wonder if the Unfinished Rambler gave me Michael Vick almost as a consolation prize -that I might proceed through the inevitable demise of my season with some shred of dignity and fight. With the seemingly remote exception of Predator Press making the Finals, we would not be facing each other again this year.

Either way I thank you Rambler. Vick, coupled with an RB corps that was finally starting to “gel,” finally started to turn things around; at this point I was in a 3-way tie for 7th place (an optimistic euphemism for a 3-way tie for 9th place) and our esteemed Renal Failure had the exact same record and situation. But RF -almost universally loathed save for by me- could not rely on the goodwill and sportsmanship of others, nor my radiant brainiosity: to demonstrate, I invite all who want Renal Failure to win the HBFFL 2010 Humor Bowl to raise their hand.

See? Now RF, please lower your hand before you burn yourself on that swinging light bulb.

Bereft of family, friends and fans (alienated mostly by his incessant irrational trade offers, and on a dialysis machine covered in ‘My Other Machine is a Baxter 550‘ bumper stickers), RF was required to develop his own tactical edge: one that required a pentagram drawn in the fluids of his last remaining kidney, and the live sacrifice of numerous animals indigenous to his domicile such as bats and mice. And under the steady drip of semi-permeable membranes of dialysate and bad plumbing that hadn’t been inspected since the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, RF climbed one unfortunate marcupial at a time right into Satan's good graces.

But unlike our beloved yet misguided RF, I shall not be showing my sticky pegan 8” X 10” glossy photo of Ines Sainz on this post. I, conversely, will be showing our one and only savior Jesus Christ, who one might expect wants to bathe Miss Sainz and RF both in Holy and Righteous Christian Fire while I stand by delighting in their agonized suffering. In fact, I may give Jesus a few ideas of my own:

Jesus: I understand that I am supposed to punish sinners. But I am all about ’Forgiveness.’ I don’t see how freezing Renal Failure in liquid nitrogen and slowly chipping off little pieces while dancing barefoot in his bloody sludge will help save his Soul.

LOBO: As a child, he talked trash about your mom constantly.

Jesus: Mary?

LOBO: Yeah. He wrote a poem about how she was ‘involved’ with sheep, and I suspect it was imbedded with instructions for his connections with the cocaine cartels.

Jesus: ‘Fleece was white as snow?’

LOBO: Exactly. His whole fantasy team sang it as kids too -like an evil Jedi mantra.  I recommend glazing RF in a nice hydrochloric bisque first.

Jesus: Can we listen to Huey Lewis and the News while we do it?

LOBO: How many millions of years are we talking about here? I’ve got an appointment with Unfinished Rambler-

Jesus: How about seven?

LOBO: Ten.

Jesus: Meehhhhhh ...

LOBO: It's Christmas.  You realize your Driver's License expires tomorrow, right?  What with the holiday, we won't even be out of the DMV by then.

Jesus: Fine.  Ten million years it is.

Tuesday Morning QB: Douche bag No. 1 in the NFL

In an earlier post this season, I singled out this guy

for being one of these

, i.e. douchebag (sic), after facing his third assault charge against a woman in five years.

Since then, I've learned a couple of things:

1. The correct spelling of douche bag is two words, according to Katie Keenan from Columbia University.
2. Johnson is now facing another assault charge as a result of an incident after my original post.
3. Johnson is not the biggest douche bag in the NFL.

Yes, by virtue of being charged with not just one, but two felony counts of criminal possession of a weapon in the second degree Monday, Plaxico Burress has claimed the throne, for now, of No. 1 douche bag in the NFL. According to an ESPN article,

Burress, who accidentally shot himself Friday night in the right thigh at a Manhattan nightclub, did not enter a plea on the class C felony charges, though his attorney said Burress planned to plead not guilty.

Great quotes from the article include this quote from his lawyer, Benjamim Brafman:

"He is standing tall. He is a mature adult."

Uh, huh, sure.

And this quote from Paul Browne, NYP Deputy Commissioner for Public Information:

"It was a universe of silence after this shooting."

I, for one, as an owner of Burress on my fantasy squad, will not be silent. I will be benching him in favor of Domenik Hixon, who I picked up today off the free agency list. I'd like to kick his ass to the curb but under the rules of our league (no, honest) he is an undroppable player-- and I don't think anyone is going to want to trade for him. Anyone want a gunshot player, who already had a hamstring injury? Anyone? If so, let me know. I'll be happy to trade him for whatever douche bag you can offer.

****

Oh, yeah, FYI: Like the Giants this past week, I did win this past week, despite not having Burress in my lineup. Next up: The Menschwarmers, and then if I win, I get to face Leigh, who already has spanked me twice, in the first round of the playoffs.

Tuesday Morning QB: All hail, the Queen of the HBFFL!

So as I mentioned yesterday, Leigh spanked me again, but I didn't have the final score included then. However, this morning in the comments of that post, Leigh rubbed it in: "Actually, the final score was 168-67, and the margin of victory, in itself, was more than what 8 of the other teams scored," adding "but I'm humble."

Hell, she doesn't have to be humble. With a combined 85 points, her top two players, Drew Brees and Michael Turner (who would've thunk, Brees and Turner?!?), outscored my entire team and that wasn't even counting T.O. and Steve Smith with a combined 53 points themselves.

In fact, I will go so far as to crown Leigh the Queen of the HBFFL, because that's what she is. With a record of 9-3, she stands alone atop the standings.

Yeah, yeah, you show her some respect, beyotch.

No second guessing here today or talking about percentages. Leigh's got them all covered.

You rock, Queen Leigh, and in your honor, a little Queen:



I tried to find an appropriate Queen Latifah video, but none of them really worked, although this one is pretty close to working.

For all you ladies in the house...

Spanked again!

Leigh puts the hurting on me again. In our first meeting, she spanked me 107-66. So far, this time, with one game left, she has gone

on my ass again 123-32, and she looked damn good doing it too, thanks to big days from both T.O. and Michael Turner. Fantasy slut.

More analysis on my feature Tuesday Morning Quarterback tomorrow.

A preview of the pain I'm gonna be bringing...

So here on the eve of the first Sunday of the 2008 NFL season --while the season actually began Thursday night with the Giants defeating the Redskins 16-7, for most fans, I think Sunday is officially the start of the season-- I thought I'd give the 11 other owners in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League a preview of the pain I'm gonna be bringing...

Quarterbacks

Derek Anderson, Aaron Rodgers

Derek Anderson: In my first year of playing fantasy football, I drew the luck of the draw with Tony Romo. This year, whatever is the opposite of the luck of the draw is what I've got, as not only do I get Derek Anderson from Cleveland, but also I end up playing Anderson against Romo in the two's opening game.

Aaron Rodgers: What can I say? He's been in the shadow of Brett Favre for so long. Now he has his chance to shine. Will he? Yeah, sure...or is that eh?

Wide Receivers

Plaxico Burress, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Jerricho Cotchery, Bernard Berrian

Last year I had both Burress and Houshmandzadeh, and was pretty surprised with Burress, especially after the folks in the league which I played slammed him since he was a former Steeler and they thought he deserved to be kicked to the curb. Personally I thought he was a good player and the Steelers had made a mistake. I kept my tongue early in the season, but once he started to roll, I couldn't help but say a little something to turn the knife just a bit-- and then when they won the Super Bowl, who's your daddy now? Huh?

Speaking of who's your daddy, Houshmandzadeh, whom we called last year "Who'sh my daddy", he was solid, if not super impressive, but solid enough to help me to a berth in our league championship game (yeah, I lost, but hey, still I was there).

Cotchery and Berrian: Again, yeah, sure...or is that eh? Both were pretty disappointing from what I saw last year. But with Brett Favre at QB, maybe Cotchery will be getting some throws? Personally, despite all the asshattery that happened in the offseason, I'm pulling for Favre, well, sort of, since we were both born in the same year. (Yeah, I'm almost 40, you got a problem with that? I was a fan of Michael Jordan too.) And tomorrow's "intrigue" with him facing Chad Pennington, whom he is replacing at New York, might be "intriguing" at least for a quarter.

Running Backs

Brian Westbrook, Willie Parker, Larry Johnson, Edgerrin James

I had none of these players last year, although I would have liked to have Westbrook at times, because I used to live in the Philadelphia area, and followed his career when he was at Villanova. Now I have him and he's been touted pretty heavily this year.

As a long-time Steeler fan, I like Parker, but will he got lost in a backfield of too many talented running backs? I think not (or at least, that's what I'll tell you publicly). Johnson and James? I always thought it was Johnson and Johnson, but anyway...As a long-time Penn State fan (I almost hate to admit with all the scandal going on there recently), I always liked Johnson and am pulling for him. James? Major eh.

Tight Ends

Dallas Clark, Benjamin Watson

Clark: Whenever I hear his first name, I can't help but think of Forrest Gump. "There was Dallas, from Phoenix..." Of course, this Dallas is from Livermore, Iowa, which doesn't quite have the same ring. "There was Dallas, from Livermore" - no, I don't think so. Despite that, I've got high hopes for him.

Watson: I think he's starting with an injury. Another major eh.

Kickers

Nate Kaeding, Mike Nugent

Kaeding: Barring any injury, I have no worries here with Kaeding. He's very good and bonus, like Clark, he's from Iowa, not Livermore -- but Coralville, 204 miles from Livermore. Chris Cameron who has the team La Machine said in the preview of his team that he was trying to corner the market on tight ends named Tony. Me? I was working on cornering two players from Iowa. Yeah, sure...and eh?

Nugent: Hey, he has a cool last name, since I always liked Ted Nugent. At least, he's got that going for him...which is nice.

Defenses

Pittsburgh, Arizona

The Steel Curtain ain't what it used to be, but I'm hoping it can dish out a little pain to my opponents. Arizona: toward the end of the year, I saw them picked as a sleeper defense in certain games. I hope they don't fall asleep on me if I play them sometime.

...and, of course, the main thing I didn't mention about that pain I'm gonna be bringing with me, I'm probably gonna be taking it with me too when I leave each week's contest.