Yes "Chris" -if in fact that is your real name- your cavalier Commissionations costed me Week 5.
Were I not hampered by your oppressive adjudicationing, I could have won last week. But nay! You have micromanagicked this league to the point that this entire season is questionable now, and I declare it utterly bereft of sportsmanshipitude.
If not for your tyrannicalized reign of unjust "rules" and whatever, I would have deployed the following lineup:
QB - Phi DEF, 24 points
WR - GB DEF, 21 points
WR - Car DEF, 19 points
RB - Stephen Gostkowski NE K, 19 points
RB - Phil Dawson SF K, 18 points
TE - SD DEF, 16 points
W/R - NE DEF, 15 points
DEF - whoever was playing Tony Romo (points probably still being calculatronned)
That is like 500 points. Chris, the evidence of your meddlutions in my season is clear to us all. I will file numerous "Torts" and "Motions" to declare this entire season corruptified, and unfit for human consumption.
So Renal Failure goes from knocking off the top team in the league in Week 4 to playing against a team in Week 5 that just picked up its first win of the season last week. Seems like a drop-off in terms of dramatic tension, but this week's game revives an old HBFFL grudge match between your People's Champion and the Un-Ramblers of the UnfinishedPerson, formerly the UnfinishedRambler, formerly John Cougar Mellancamp. No, we made that last part up.
But what we're not making up is that we're in the bye week section of the season where teams won't be able to field their optimal lineups, where bench depth comes into play. And this week has hit Renal Failure in some sensitive areas.
If you're kicker is on a bye week, she's available...
Renal Failure is without starting QB Tony Romo, but even more troubling is that we're without our starting TE Jason Witten. This puts your People's Champion at the mercy of Raiders QB Jason Campbell and Bengals TE Jermaine Gresham. Campbell is 12th in scoring when it comes to QB's in the HBFFL so that's not a bad drop-off, but we'll need Gresham to really step his game up considering how much we rely on production from Witten. Luckily for us Yahoo! only has Gresham projected for 4 points and we're confident he can exceed that.
Rambler doesn't have any big bye week losses to his line up, other than Felix Jones and Ryan Torain. He's depending a lot on Michael Vick (projected for 24 points) and Greg Jennings (projected for 13). And he's hoping that Andre Johnson's injury in Houston sends more balls toward TE Owen Daniels. For his running backs, he's starting MJD but also taking a gamble on Isaac Redman of the Steelers now that Mendenhall is hurt. Yahoo! is projecting Redman for 11 points, but is only giving 9 to Renal Failure's own Chris Johnson, which we don't think is right.
Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory... please grant us continued wins over Rambler who hasn't beaten us in the HBFFL since that infamous Dallas Clark game of 2008... Ines Sainz be praised...
Yahoo! has the Un-Ramblers winning 95-83 over your People's Champion, but we're not buying that. Yahoo! is severely underestimating the Renal Failure lineup (we've got Megatron, baby!), and people who underestimate Renal Failure end up with blood in their urine and another loss in the standings. Despite Yahoo!'s prognostications for a Renal Failure defeat, we expect to see the People's Champ rising to 4-1 and staying in the thick of the playoff hunt. Rambler, on the other hand... well, you take pride of your dominance in the FTWL.
Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Renal Failure also saw Human Centipede 2 this weekend. It was everything we hoped it would be... AND MORE!
Any team that gets in Renal Failure's way is soon to be de-meated...
Well, this is the day that every Fantasy Football owner dreams of seeing. After 14 weeks of regular season strife and misery just to gain a place in the playoffs and one more week of sudden death mayhem that could cruelly erase the previous 14 weeks of struggle, two teams have clawed their way to the glorious Week 16: CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK. Or as we call it here at the HBFFL blog: The Humor Bowl. And by we, we mean just Renal Failure (or as The Situation would call the People's Champ: R. Failure) because no one else has called it that before.
Renal Failure vs. Predator Press. Both teams went 8-6, both teams started 2-4, both pulled off key trades mid-season to fuel their playoff runs (R. Failure getting Peyton Hillis from Chris, LOBO getting Michael Vick from Unfinished Rambler), and both had five-game winning streaks in the second half of the season to clinch playoff berths (though R. Failure had 89 more points to grab the 3-seed). Yes, these two have much in common, so we needed to find the smartest person in the world to break down which team will take home the championship in the HBFFL.
That is the smartest thing we have ever seen...
Quarterback: Michael Vick vs. Tom Brady. The battle for NFL MVP ends here. Yahoo! stats have both with the same amount of points for the season, tying for fourth in the league, even though Vick played in fewer games because of injury. Tom Brady may have invented throwing bears into outer space, but Vick has thrown more bears into deep space than anyone this season, and his matchup vs. Minnesota is more of an Orbital Bear Warning than Brady's matchup vs. Buffalo. Still, never count out Tom Brady. Advantage: Predator Press.
Running Back: Chris Johnson vs. Maurice Jones-Drew. MJD is fighting off injuries and hasn't practiced all week, leaving his active status in doubt until Sunday. If MJD can't go, he'll have to go with Tampa Bay's Lagarrette Blount, who has put up a decent 54 points in the last four weeks. LOBO could pick up MJD backup Rashad Jennings... if Renal Failure didn't snag him off the waiver wire in a bit of defensive free agency strategy. Speaking of Renal Failure, the People's Champ will be starting Chris Johnson - third in RB scoring in the HBFFL - who has a nice matchup vs. Kansas City this week, has put up consecutive 20+ point games, and has the competitive fire to continuously prove that he the best rusher in the NFL. Advantage: Renal Failure.
Ines Sainz has wisdom that can only be expressed through tight denim...
Wide Receivers: LOBO hit the early-season inactive WR lottery with Vincent Jackson last week, and VJax is playing the lowly Bengals in Week 16, though you're never sure who Philip Rivers will throw to from game-to-game (though it helps that Antonio Gates is out). Also LOBO is starting 2008 Renal Failure Team MVP Larry Fitzgerald, who has struggled because of the bad QB situation in Arizona. But luckily he's playing a Dallas defense that stops no one. R. Failure, however, has the Number One scoring WR in the HBFFL Brandon Lloyd, who seems to be Tim Tebow's only viable target. And Dwayne Bowe (5th in WR scoring) is coming out of a slump, has Matt Cassell throwing to him again, and has a great matchup against a weak Tennessee defense. Advantage: Push
Tight End: Vernon Davis (3rd in TE scoring) has been rather erratic, putting up a big fat zero last week. And while he's got a favorable matchup against St. Louis, the QB situation in San Francisco is murky, which favors Brian Westbrook more than VD. Jason Witten (2nd in TE scoring) is on a hot streak and looks to be Jon Kitna's favorite target, and considering how horrid Dallas's running game has been we expect Kitna to throw the rock a lot vs. Arizona. Advantage: Renal Failure
Flex Option: Peyton Hillis finished as the 2nd-highest scoring RB in the league, but is facing the always-tough Baltimore Ravens Defense this week (though he ran right threw them in Week 3) and has been in a bit of a late-season slump, as if carrying the entire Cleveland Browns on his shoulders is starting to wear on him. Stephen Jackson (13th in RB scoring) has been a consistent performer but has only scored more than 20 points three times this season. The 49ers, if they're smart will look to stack SJax at the line and force Sam Bradford to beat them. Advantage: Predator Press
Some stare Ines Sainz and see only lustful splendor. Others see the secrets of the universe unfurled before them like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Except hotter...
Kicker: Matt Bryant was 3rd among kickers in scoring and has an important game against New Orleans that could clinch up 1st place for the Falcons. Adam Vinateri was 5th in kicker scoring and has an important game against Oakland to keep the Colts playoff hopes alive. It's going to come down to a question of which team's offense stalls out more often in field goal range against the opposing defense, and the defending Super Bowl Champion Saints' defense has a lot more to play for than the Raiders'. Advantage: Renal Failure
Defense/Special Teams: LOBO's rolling with Jacksonville vs. Washington, which isn't a bad idea considering the Skins are starting Rex Grossman, who is better known for having QB ratings lower than my blood alcohol level. R. Failure is sticking with Tampa Bay, who despite their decimated ranks, is still projected for 10 points against the sickly Seattle Seahawks. But that might be wishful thinking on the part of the number crunchers at Yahoo! Advantage: Predator Press.
And the advantage is: a tie. Shit... okay, so that didn't solve anything. Let's look at the official numbers then. Yahoo! is projecting a 107-103 victory for LOBO and Predator Press (though many of those points for LOBO are dependent on MJD playing on Sunday), and Yahoo! was correct last week in projecting wins for R. Failure and PredPress. It's an uphill battle for the People's Champion, but they've faced adversity before and rose to the challenge. Then again, so has LOBO because we are similar teams. Damn it. Okay... this is the moment of truth, where everything we've claimed and appropriated for ourselves over the past three years is going to have to come to pass for R. Failure to win. Circling the Wagons, employing the chaotic energy of the Wild Card (bitches!), being granted victory through the divinity of Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory Ines Sainz, invoking the power of The People... all of these things must come to pass for Renal Failure to win Humor Bowl III and prevent the only team to lose to Bex's Battling Butterflies from taking home the glory and honor of the HBFFL championship.
We've run the numbers through our special Fantasy Football Battle Simulator and have determined that LOBO is a red-skinned oiled-up Turkish guy in leather pants and Renal Failure has rocket boots, electric gloves, and a nice rack...
The trends say that the team that lost the previous year's championship game wins the next year, so R. Failure has that going for them. But it may take a lot more than trends to keep LOBO from taking what rightfully belongs to the People.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure is also projected to lose to LOBO 96-94 in LOBO's FTWL championship game. But remember, NO ONE CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE RENAL FAILURE!
As the cold, icy specter of doubt cast itself over our vast nation of LOBOnia, millions and millions of Predator Press readers were left to consider a world where we might not be represented in the HBFFL finals.
Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings. Enough death and carnage! I am thusly impelled to finally speak.
Who the hell is going to clean up this mess?
Artist Rendering of
Predator Press Fan Suffering
I suppose in Week 8 they had good reason to behave as such; the long-awaited mighty Ben Roethlisberger gave me 9 points, 20% of my 47-point showing, and the Unfinished Rambler doubled that with ease. At 3-5, one more loss would have jeopardized even the last tiny sliver of hope of making the semifinals.
But while grateful for his generosity, I cannot help but wonder if the Unfinished Rambler gave me Michael Vick almost as a consolation prize -that I might proceed through the inevitable demise of my season with some shred of dignity and fight. With the seemingly remote exception of Predator Press making the Finals, we would not be facing each other again this year.
Either way I thank you Rambler. Vick, coupled with an RB corps that was finally starting to “gel,” finally started to turn things around; at this point I was in a 3-way tie for 7th place (an optimistic euphemism for a 3-way tie for 9th place) and our esteemed Renal Failure had the exact same record and situation. But RF -almost universally loathed save for by me- could not rely on the goodwill and sportsmanship of others, nor my radiant brainiosity: to demonstrate, I invite all who want Renal Failure to win the HBFFL 2010 Humor Bowl to raise their hand.
See? Now RF, please lower your hand before you burn yourself on that swinging light bulb.
Bereft of family, friends and fans (alienated mostly by his incessant irrational trade offers, and on a dialysis machine covered in ‘My Other Machine is a Baxter 550‘ bumper stickers), RF was required to develop his own tactical edge: one that required a pentagram drawn in the fluids of his last remaining kidney, and the live sacrifice of numerous animals indigenous to his domicile such as bats and mice. And under the steady drip of semi-permeable membranes of dialysate and bad plumbing that hadn’t been inspected since the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, RF climbed one unfortunate marcupial at a time right into Satan's good graces.
But unlike our beloved yet misguided RF, I shall not be showing my sticky pegan 8” X 10” glossy photo of Ines Sainz on this post. I, conversely, will be showing our one and only savior Jesus Christ, who one might expect wants to bathe Miss Sainz and RF both in Holy and Righteous Christian Fire while I stand by delighting in their agonized suffering. In fact, I may give Jesus a few ideas of my own:
Jesus:I understand that I am supposed to punish sinners. But I am all about ’Forgiveness.’ I don’t see how freezing Renal Failure in liquid nitrogen and slowly chipping off little pieces while dancing barefoot in his bloody sludge will help save his Soul.
LOBO:As a child, he talked trash about your mom constantly.
Jesus:Mary?
LOBO:Yeah. He wrote a poem about how she was ‘involved’ with sheep, and I suspect it was imbedded with instructions for his connections with the cocaine cartels.
Jesus:‘Fleece was white as snow?’
LOBO:Exactly. His whole fantasy team sang it as kids too -like an evil Jedi mantra. I recommend glazing RF in a nice hydrochloric bisque first.
Jesus:Can we listen to Huey Lewis and the News while we do it?
LOBO:How many millions of years are we talking about here? I’ve got an appointment with Unfinished Rambler-
Jesus:How about seven?
LOBO:Ten.
Jesus:Meehhhhhh ...
LOBO:It's Christmas. You realize your Driver's License expires tomorrow, right? What with the holiday, we won't even be out of the DMV by then.
Our Lady of Victory Ines Sainz is so powerful that she went into a nightclub restroom with Ben Roethlisberger and he was the one who came out crying, and missing his jersey too...
The People rejoice and sing the glory of Ines Sainz and her tight jeans, for they have brought forth a Fantasy Football miracle to the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. After going 2-5 to start the season, Renal Failure rattled off an impressive and inconceivable six wins in seven games to leapfrog from 9th place all the way to 3rd, claiming a spot in the HBFFL playoffs.
(Note: Yes, Joe did win 7 straight to end the season at 12-2, tying our record last season for most wins in a regular season, but he didn't win those games with even a fraction of the zazz that we did.)
Speaking of Joe, we done heard that Joe had considered benching all his starters so that LOBO would win and we wouldn't make the playoffs, but Ines Sainz appeared to him in a dream, with angels wings and tight-ass pants, and told him "Do not be that guy," and preached to him the Gospel of Herm Edwards: "You play to win the game." See, we played to win last season on Week 14 when Joe needed us to beat Canuck to get a playoff spot. Well, we didn't win, but the effort was there and we're sure Joe appreciated us trying our best and not being douchebags. Anyway, Joe's Bourbon Blasters beat LOBO's Predator Press 124-119 in a close game.
But even if Joe had gone Full Metal Douchebag and tanked the last game, it still wouldn't have mattered because Team Krapsody pulled off arguably the biggest upset in HBFFL history, beating the Bald Spots 73-58 without starting an active running back or tight end (if only Static was around to witness it). Bryan's team shit the bed at the most inopportune time, and tragically, even with the great season Bryan had this year, it cost him a playoff spot because Bald Spots lost the tiebreaker to LOBO and Renal Failure. Yes, that means that despite being the only team to lose to Bex's Battling Butterflies, Predator Press snuck into the playoffs as the four-seed (even with a fucking ridiculous 67 roster moves in 2010, 28 more than he had in 2009).
And La Machine's long shot to sneak into the playoffs fell short as they lost to the Ramblers, not that Chris would have gotten in if he had won anyway because he would have lost the tiebreaker to LOBO and your People's Champion. Still, Chris had hope (and Matt Schaub's 44 points sitting on the bench because he was riding the Eli Manning train, whom he acquired from Renal Failure, all the way to 6th place), and hope is all any Fantasy Football owner really has.
Well, enough of that... let's get to what you came here to read about: Finally... Renal Failure has come back to the playoffs! And we're squaring off against our old friend The Ramblers, who we beat in Week 9 during our epic season-changing run. The Unfinished One wants revenge for this year's loss and last year's as well, but how well can his quest for vengeance go without Frank Gore and with Aaron Rodgers fighting off yet another a concussion? Vengeance is what he wants, but disappointment may be all he'll get in Week 15.
We play to win the game so we can talk some more entertaining smack, because Fantasy Football without Renal Failure just isn't as interesting...
We'll touch briefly on our 111-65 victory over Canucklehead. Chris Johnson got back to his bear-throwing ways with 28 points vs. Indianapolis, Peyton Hillis got his mojo working again with 16 points vs. Buffalo (no TD's though), and even Jason Witten decided to get in on the action with 2 TD's and 69 yards receiving for a big old 18-point day vs. Philly. But the big story on the Renal Roster is once again Tom Brady proving that he can throw bears in any climate, putting up a big 35-point day vs. Chicago in a blizzard. Forget Michael Vick's season, Tom Brady is your MVP for dominating in all climates, hot and cold. Tom Brady could go to Venus and rack up 300+ yards in the air with three TD's on that planet of swirling methane.
But glorious victory does not mitigate our extreme disappointment in what used to be the most feared receiving duo in the league. Brandon Lloyd had another disappointing day, only getting 3 points vs. Arizona, and Dwayne Bowe once again scored nothing. Meanwhile on our bench, Hines Ward is making himself relevant again with a 16-point day vs. Cincy. Chad Ochocinco had a nice 7-point day there too. Even Sidney Rice, with Brett Favre gone, put up double than Lloyd and Bowe combined. Fellas, this is not the time for shit to go wrong. We might as well have not made the playoffs if this is how our feared weapons are going play. Rambler will blow us out of the water if we don't have our shit down tight.
We lost our sledgehammer too... it was called Dwayne Bowe scoring touchdowns habitually.... Anyway, back to Week 14, Canucklehead just didn't have enough weapons in his socialist Canadian cupboard this week. Sure, Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne had nice days (32 and 15 points a piece), but that was it for What the Canuck? as Thomas Jones did marginally better than Brandon Lloyd with 4 points, as did WR Stevie Johnson. The only thing Canuck could have done to have had a better day was swap out Percy Harvin, who didn't play on Monday because of migranes, and put in Tim Hightower, whose 31 points would have made the score very uncomfortably close for Renal Failure to bear, especially if he had started Lance Moore instead of Stevie Johnson because Moore's 13 points added to Hightower's 31 would have given Canuck the victory, thus ending Renal Failure's playoff hopes.
And so we bid the 2010 regular season "adios," as they say in Ines Sainz's mother tongue, and welcome the 2010 Playoffs. The People will continue to give offerings to Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory so that the prophecy of a Renal Failure champion will come to pass. Never mind that we just declared the prophecy now, all that matter with prophecies is that they are declared before the event happens.
The power of Walken compels you...
We see that Rambler is trying to get on the Ines Sainz bandwagon. We'll have our Opening Round Playoff Game review regarding how she will smite him for his audacity later in the week. Until then, stay thirsty my friends.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure went 8-6 in this league, 8-6 in LOBO's league, 9-3 in a short-handed 7-team league, and 6-7 in a 14-team league in 2010. Three of those teams made the playoffs, and it's pretty obvious which one didn't.
Scientists still do not have any definitive evidence to determine which is easier: Pimpin' or fantasy football.
Usually we have our preview done on Friday, but this was one of the rare occasions that we had players on a Thursday night game. And because the People Champion likes to give thanks to Captain Morgan rum on that particular Thursday in November, we didn't get a chance to type up a preview of the People's quest for the fantasy playoffs.
And so with three rum and cokes in us, we watched the early game between the Patriots and Lions and witness Tom Brady deliver us the finest Bearducken - which for the uneducated masses out there is a Bear with a duck stuffed up its ass that has a chicken stuffed up its ass - and then throw it halfway to the Dagobah system with a 46-point performance, much to the dismay of Bryan of the Bald Spots who couldn't enjoy Calvin "Megatron" Johnson's big 15-point day on the Lions end.
Our Thanksgiving wasn't this dignified...
So going into Sunday's game, Renal Failure holds a 52-15 edge over Bald Spots (Brandon Pettigrew got himself 6 points for the People on Thursday too), but the game's far from over. Bryan still has Philip Rivers waiting to throw a bear into orbit himself vs. Indianapolis, though we don't think it will be the sort of bear with other animals shoved up its ass. And with the way Brett Favre's been playing I wouldn't be surprised to see the Vikings hand the ball to Adrian Petersen all day. Pierre Garcon could be a problem, but Peyton Manning's been slinging the ball to everyone on that team so Garcon may not get many chances to hurt us.
But Renal Failure still have the vaunted 1-2 punch of Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis waiting to bolster the People's lead, along with the hottest WR combo in fantasy football Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd, especially after T.O. got shut down by the Jets in the late Thanksgiving game (sorry Chris). And Matt Bryant and the Cleveland Defense have some pretty good projected matchups that the People feel pretty good about, which will give us some much needed points should a wild card spot come down to a Points For tiebreaker.
Ines Sainz waits patiently for the Renal Failure victory that she has decreed.
If the People hold on to their 37-point lead, they'll enter into a tie for third with Bald Spots at 7-5 along with either one or two of these three teams: La Machine, What the Canuck? and Predator Press. La Machine and Predator Press are playing each other so one of them is going to fall to 6-6 unless they maintain their current tied score, and What the Canuck? has to make up a 43-point deficit against the first place 9-2 Bourbon Blasters to keep pace (and we're hoping for a Bourbon Blasters loss so that Joe can't tie our record for most wins in a season, that being 12).
So until next week... stay thirsty for the playoffs, my friend.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure has a little Captain in them, except on Thanksgiving when he has a lot of Captain in them. This is why Renal Failure wakes up on the front lawn on Black Friday.
MOTION TO DECLARE the Use of Ines Sainz Butt for Religious Purposes Cool BY LAW Because Last Time I
Checked This Was A FREE COUNTRY CALLED AMERICA
WHERAS my esteemed colleague Renal Failure has objected to the my invocation of the Butt of Ines Sainz, I would like Yours Honor Truly to tell him to cram it.
EVIDENSE: This season, Renal Failure and Predator Press seem to be mirroring each other: both teams have underperformed thus far, and both seem destined to slug it out for the last position in the Finals. It should be no surprise my esteemed colleague RF objected to my invocation of one Ines Sainz butt image.
But YOURS HONORTRULY, is the much-ballyhooed butt of Ines Sainz but his alone to invoke? I, the PLAINTIFF, studied my monitor closely, but did not observe the DEFENDANT'S name on it. And when I broke into his house yesterday, I saw none of Ines Sainz' pants in the closet. I did find his fingerprints on an 8.5”-10” glossy of her butt on his nightstand –right next to a Victoria’s Secret catalog with the pages strangely stuck together. But does this make RF’s claim legitimate? I mean if possession is 9/10ths of the law, punching your monkey on something has got to be, like, 15/10ths, right?
Just like everybody else, Ines Sainz spray paints her pants on one leg at a time: my wife, between obscenities, was early and often to point out that Intellectual Rights and Ownership Claims over Ines Sainz’ butt are open to some degree of interpretation.
I submit that Ines Sainz butt is intended for all to enjoy. And we cannot just stand by as Renal Failure covets –and inevitably compromises- the journalistic integrity of Ines Sainz, nor the potential joy and hope her butt might bring us all ... I, an American citizen, cannot stand idly by in the face of such Communism and flagrant tax violations! I expect numerous torts, motions, warrants, and contunuances filed on behalf of my plaintiffing.
I don't care if you don't have anything below the belt, Bex, I'm punching there anyway. All's fair in love, war, and the race for the playoffs.
This is it. The game that determines the People's season. The game that either keeps our playoff hopes alive or murders them in their crib. The game that could give you an ice cream sundae or colon cancer. All right, so that last one was a lie, but it's hard to hype up a game between the 9th and 10th place teams in the HBFFL, which is what Renal Failure (2-5) and the Battling Butterflies (1-6) are.
Sitting at the halfway point of the 2010 season, the People's Champion Renal Failure is battered, bruised, and bedeviled. Our running back depth that was supposed to be our strength is gone, with only Chris Johnson remaining from our corps of Ryan Grant, Pierre Thomas, and Clinton Portis. Tom Brady, the man who invented throwing bears into outer space, has not dominated like we had hoped. We also haven't dominated in the Kicker and Defense/Special Teams categories as we have in previous years, which is how we became known as The Wild Card (bitches!). And only in recent weeks has our wide receivers actually started manufacturing at a decent clip. Last year, we set a new record for points scored in a season; this year we are 9th (only Bex is worse). Even worse, we've had the third-most points scored on us (Bex is 2nd, LOBO is 1st). It's going to take some sort of divine intervention to turn the Renal Failure season around.
"Inez Sainz... I have never prayed to you. I may have done other things to you, though..."
And so what better way to begin the miraculous process of salvaging our season than by beating up on the last place team in the league. As seen above, Bex's Battling Butterflies have had worse season than us, and Week 8 doesn't look like it's going to be the week where things get better for her either.
Bex is rolling with Carson Palmer, who is playing a Miami team looking to bounce back from Ben "Lifetime Movie of the Week Villain" Roethlisberger lighting them up in Week 7. Her running backs are not the featured RB's on their teams anymore. Mike Tolbert may get a goal line run for a TD, but that will be the extent of his day. And even if she puts in Ryan Mathews he's not going to have a fun time against the stingy Tennessee defense either. Oakland's Michael Bush is only going to get carries when Darren McFadden needs a breather. Greg Jennings is going to get stuck on Revis island in his game vs. the Jets, not that she can swap him out because the rest of her receivers are on bye weeks. The bulk of her points look to come from Steelers WR Mike Wallace, TE Chris Cooley, and the Tennessee Defense if she remembers to put them in.
I don't think this is the Mike Wallace is who projected to have 7 points against the Saints this week, but he and 60 Minutes will be on immediately following the late game on CBS, except on the west coast.
But your People's Champion has a lot of great match-ups this week. Tom Brady's throwing against a rudderless Minnesota squad. Chris Johnson never gets stuffed for small numbers in consecutive weeks. Hines Ward has been on fire since Ben "Lifetime Movie of the Week Villain" Roethlisberger has returned, and the Steelers will be in a shootout with the Saints this week. Brandon Lloyd and the Broncos are playing the 1-6 49ers. And we'll see if Dwayne Bowe can make it three straight weeks of 20+ points, a likely scenario considering he'll be playing the Buffalo Bills.
As of Friday morning, Yahoo! has Renal Failure winning 85-66 vs. Bex (85-74 if she remembers to put in the Tennessee defense). That looks about right to us. It'll be a fine day for the People's Champion to start rattling off wins for a playoff push, and to cement Bex in as the last place team in the HBFFL, like the Fantasy Football version of The Cask of Amontillado.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure would rather hear Inez Sainz do play-by-play than Joe Buck.
The more I think about this Ines Sainz thing, the more annoyed I get. It really illustrates the difference between “Journalists” and “Entertainers” nicely: "Journalists" don’t become The Story.
And stripped of the trappings of “Journalism,” I’m almost offended at her being offended. They didn’t sneak into her bedroom, build a locker room around it, and then stuff it with crude naked guys while she was sleeping.
Saintz went in under her own power.
-disguised as a "Journalist."
Now I, conversely, am a pulp schlock-slinging football fan … and I cannot imagine anything that would get me into a team locker room post-game. I don’t care if it’s the Superbowl, an Jesus played Mohamed.
Besides … Jesus would kick the crap out of Mohamed, and Mohamed gets cranky.
I am a pretty big deal. I didn’t know if you knew that or not. I am Bex and (once in a blue moon) I write the Blog of Bex. But that’s not why I’m a big deal. No, I’m a big deal because I have boobs. Boobs are awesome. Ask anybody. Another person with boobs is Ines Sainz. Do y’all know her? She’s a television reporter with TV Azteca. She’s been in the news lately because of some shenanigans that went on during and after the Monday night NFL game.
I read in the news that she was embarrassed. When I first heard this I wondered if maybe she wasn’t embarrassed by the ridiculous programming on TV Azteca. I mean seriously…have you ever seen one of their insane talk shows? Schmaltzy host? Check! Mostly naked ladies jiggling around the set to sudden bursts of funky music? Check!! Designated buffoon who overacts every scene as if his very life depends upon it? Oh yeah, they’ve got that, too. And don’t even get me started about the soap operas.
But no, she’s embarrassed because she went purposefully into a professional football teams’ locker room and, apparently, got an eyeful. Wha…?!! For chrissakes. What kind of moron goes into a locker room and then “dies of embarrassment” when she sees what she sees?!
Let’s roll down the facts, shall we??
The Jets are a football team.
The team is made up of male players.
Men have penises.
Judging by the tightness of their pants, some of them are probably quite large.
She should probably write them a thank you note.
But, in this crazy era when some douche bag pours a cup of hot coffee into her own lap and is successful in suing the company that sold her that cruel java weapon, the Jets are probably fuqued. I love how she stated that she tried not to look anywhere. As my homie Yoda once said, “Do or do not. There is no try.” But Sister, for real. It is in poor taste to take a gander at some dudes wedding tackle and then later complain that you were embarrassed by what you looked at.
PS Unlike you guys, I had no idea who she is. So I googled her. Now I know what I'm going to wear the next time I want to really be taken seriously at work:
According to Yahoo, the NFL is condemning remarks made by Clinton Portis concerning female reporters in the locker room -a room where maybe 30 violent quarter-ton testosterone-addled glandular freaks, often in extreme states of undress, answer questions and offer commentary about their recent bone-crushing confrontations.
Greg Aiello, League Spokesperson, says Portis’ comments are “clearly inappropriate, offensive, and have no place in the NFL.”
In response, Portis -the running back for the Washington Redskins- issued a contrite statement, acknowledging among other things “[Reporters] have a tough job.”
