I don't want to talk about it. The stars certainly are not aligned to help the nebulous nonames make the fantasy league playoffs after our loss this past weekend - our third straight loss. But like I said: I don't want to talk about it.
Your humbled servant went up against Bourbon Blasters this week. He came away on the wrong end of the biggest blowout of the week. What happened? This happened...
"They call me the breeze"
Breeze? Hell, Monday night this was the weather formation that settled over the New Orleans Super Dome as Brees racked up forty-frakin'-five fantasy points. What the hell do they put in this guy's gatorade?
45 point gale force winds
Yep, Drew wasn't a breeze. He was a god-damn hurricane blowing out the nonames to the tune of 134-92.
The playoffs are now only a remote possibility for the nonames. #1 Purple Drank and #2 Predator Press have already clinched a spot. Bourbon Blasters and Renal Failure are in third and fourth spot respectively as nonames sits at fifth spot with 6-6-0.
4-8-0 Bald Spots is nonames competition Week 13. In Week 14 we're up against 2-9-1 Multiple Scorgasms. Seemingly easy matches for nonames. But as we've seen over the last 3 weeks, just about anything can happen in fantasy football.
There's just something about symmetry that is so soothing. It's like coming full circle. It adds balance and appropriate proportion to one's life...and usually to one's game. You know, like from Rocky Horror Picture Show: "Don't dream it, be it"? Well, no more will the nonames set their sites on symmetry. Why? Because the nonames had a disastrous week because of symmetry. And how did I react to the resulting loss to Unfinished Person?
Exactly!
Now Unfinished Person's a wonderful guy. Top shelf kinda fellow. (Heh, little library joke there.) In fact, he reached out to me in the pre-season and recommended me as a participant in this fantasy league. Probably because he wanted someone to beat. Well, this weekend that prophecy came true as he squeezed out a 72-68 victory over us.
My troubles started Thursday night when, after scoring 1 point, Jet's Shonn Greene was yanked from the game after suffering a 1st quarter injury. He'd been projected to provide 12 fantasy points.
Then, after a sub-par 28 point performance that Mr. Rodgers phoned in, I was still in good shape to face down Unfinished Person's New England Kicker Stephen Gostkowki Monday night with my NE WR Deion Branch. I was confident his projected 8 points would be more than enough to stomp over Unfinished Person and secure a spot in the playoffs.
Now here's where the frakin' symmetry bit my ass. Branch suffered an injury early in the game and was pulled with...you guessed it: 1 point.
Even the Belichick "mind-meld" couldn't
return Branch to the game.
Just to go back to Mr. Rodgers for a moment, he fell one yard shy of a 5-point bonus 300 passing yards. 5 points. What was the margin of UP's win? 4 points. Damn.
Oh hell yes, mofo.
Looking to Week 12 Mr. Rodgers is sure to have a beautiful day in the Detroit neighbourhood Thursday, for which I'll be giving thanks. And our kooky Canadian strategy of having Nickelback play at half time is sure to upset Detroit's defence. After all, how offensive can you get?
So, we'll regroup after 2 losses in a row, consider this week's match-up with the Bourbon Blasters, tied with me for fourth - I'm technically 5th but tied for fourth sounds so much better - and rethink our dedication to symmetry.
What happens when your Quarter Back (ass-kickin' Aaron Rodgers), a Running Back (Shonn Greene), your two Kickers and your Defence are all on a bye-week? This happens...
That's right Battlestar Galactica fans. A frakin' train wreck.
There I was in week 7 minding my own business, slipping up into third place when week 8 comes along pitting me against "your 2010 HBFFL Champion" Renal Failure and a couple of point magnets called LeSean McCoy (36 pts) and Calvin "Megatron" Johnson (25 pts) who, by the end of Sunday night had racked up more points between them than my whole team. What the frak?
Going into week 8 Purple Drank and Predator Press were tied for first with a 6-1-0. My, until then, mighty nonames were next with a 5-2-0.
The only upside for me in week 8 is that Purple Drank and Predator Press both went down to defeat. Aw, that was a shame.
But it didn't help me. My Rodgers replacement, Matt Cassell, was a day late and a nickel short with his meagre 13 points Monday night and now Mr. Renal Failure's doing the biggest blow-out boogaloo.
So after Purple Drank and Predator Press are tied for first at 6-2-0 this week second place is getting a little crowded with Bourbon Blasters, Renal Failure and my nonames at 5-3-0.
Next week Aaron Rodgers is back among the fold. And he goes up against the indomitable (he likes to think) Purple Drank. Look out PD. I've got you in my sights.
