Friday, October 8, 2010

Week 5: Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck?

by Renal Failure

The shithawks are coming, Canucklehead. We know. Because they already came for us.

A year ago, Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck? was the hottest HBFFL match-up of the season at that point. Both teams were 4-0 and looking to take a dominant position in the HBFFL standings. But in 2010, What the Canuck? is 3-1 and ranked third in the league while the People's Champion is mired in ninth place with a 1-3 record and suffers from multiple running back injuries and an inability to score points. Yeah, not quite the barn-burner last year's game was.

Yahoo! has What the Canuck? projected to win 93-80 over Renal Failure, but we think they're severely undervaluing Chris Johnson vs. Dallas with 12 projected points. Yes, the Number One Overall Pick severely underperformed last week, but he said on his Twitter page that we shouldn't worry and that he's going to have a better October. And if it's on Twitter it's gotta be true, right?

Oh we are so fucked...

Like last year, Canucklehead starts Peyton Manning but this time he's got Reggie Wayne too. They are projected for 27 and 10 points respectively against the Kansas City Chiefs, which sounds right because the Chiefs are weak against the pass (weird, seeing how they're undefeated, and Austin Collie's questionable for the game). And Canucklehead's starting Chiefs RB Jamaal Charles who is projected for 11pts against a Colts defense that is soft against the run. If bears aren't launched into orbit in this game, Canucklehead's not going to have a happy day.

But the People have their own QB/WR combo. Tom Brady's on a bye so we've got the Rams' Sam Bradford along with WR Mark Clayton starting for us against Detroit. In our new effort to be bold and wrong with resolve, we're going to put an Orbital Bear Watch on this game because St. Louis and Detroit believe in defense the same way Muslims believe in having velvet paintings of Muhammad hanging on the wall above their Islamic couches.

Love me Allah... love me true...

But Renal Failure can't play the injured Pierre Thomas, and we released Clinton Portis after learning he'll be out 4-6 weeks, so we're left with Fred Jackson of the Bills as our flex starter. With Marshawn Lynch being traded to Seattle, we're hoping he rises to the occasion and returns to being the 1,000 yard rusher he was last season. That's right, we're going to use Canucklehead's precious Buffalo Bills AGAINST him! What kind of devious team would do such a thing? What kind of madman would actually start a Buffalo Bill? THE WILD CARD, BITCHES! That's who.

The People do not want to see their Champion fall to 1-4, but the People haven't been getting much of anything in 2010, except getting shit on by the shithawks. We have to get out of the Shit Nest, and we're running out weeks to do it.

Renal Failure isn't letting the liquor do the thinking. Renal Failure IS the liquor.


LOBO said...

The weird thing is I'll be using Bradford against you in an alternate universe.

-It'll be like joy followed briefly by anti-joy.

Canucklehead said...

Well, it worked. I mean, I think it did. For you that is. Not me. NOT. ME.