HBFFL 500th post - 2014 Yahoo! Draft Grade

by Renal Failure

 

This is what we do when you draft a player we want right before it's our turn...

The end of August means the start of fantasy football (and actual NFL football), and that means the HBFFL is gearing up for its 7th season.  There are some new faces in the crowd as we've moved away from the Humor Blogger requisite of our league, much how like everyone forgot Richie Cunningham on Happy Days had an older brother.

The 2014 HBFFL draft was held this past Tuesday and the grades from Yahoo! are in.  Let's see what the algorithm bots have to say about who will dominate the season.

"Is this who's left on the draft board???"

The Patriots - Grade: A - Projected Record: 10-4 (3rd place)
One of our newbies in the HBFFL, Yahoo! liked them the best with their draft, though strangely projects them to finish 3rd.  They went with the tried and true Renal Failure strategy of loading up on RB's, taking Eddie Lacy, DeMarco Murray, and Giovani Bernard with their first three picks.  They grabbed Matty Ice as their QB, a solid choice. They'll be leaning on Randall Cobb for WR production, but may be relying too much on Vernon Davis at TE.  Your People's Champ wouldn't have given them an A rating just because they chose two kickers and one of them is the suspended Matt Prater.

Cranberry Sauce - Grade: B+ - Projected Record: 11-3 (2nd place)
The newcomers know their stuff according to the Yahoo! bots.  Jamaal Charles with the 2nd pick will be their focus at RB because the other RB's (Shane Vereen, DeAngelo Williams, James Starks) don't scare anyone.  They loaded up at WR with Jordy Nelson and Alshon Jeffrey, and they got the best value of the 5th round by taking the Seattle Defense, which is about the only defense you can unequivocally count on in 2014. Cranberry won't have to worry much if Matt Stafford goes down with Philip Rivers behind him. But in Renal Failure's opinion, Cranberry should be knocked down to a D in this draft for ruining our plan to take Johnny Manziel with the final pick of the draft to make a very clever Mr. Irrelevance joke.  To be fair, we did tell people we were going to do it, but that's because it was too good not to share.

And now "Deep Thoughts by Eli Manning"

Bald Spots - Grade: B+ - Projected Record 9-5 (4th place)
The HBFFL vet went WR heavy with Megatron, Brandon Marshall, and Victor Cruz in the first four rounds, which Yahoo! says is the best WR trio in the HBFFL. He'll be hoping RB Andre Ellington comes through, despite playing for Arizona.  Speaking of Arizona, their D should be solid again this year. We're not sold on his taking Cam Newton as his QB considering he has no one to throw to in Carolina, and if he spends all his time running that ups his chance of getting injured. Backup QB Eli Manning doesn't scare anyone.  And Rob Gronkowski's injury issues may bite Bald Spots when he can least afford to be bitten.  Still, you can't rule out a team with Megatron on the roster.

Bourbon Blasters - Grade: B - Projected Record 6-8 (7th place)
This is the rare year that the Blasters do not have Drew Brees as their QB, but Aaron Rodgers ain't a bad replacement.  The Blasters will be leaning on Adrian Peterson and Frank Gore for running points, but they're not getting any younger.  Andre Johnson might be the only receiving threat for the Texans, but do you want to put your faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick getting the ball to him (why do you think no one won with Bills receivers the past couple seasons)?  He'll get more production from Julius Thomas and Julian Edelman, but Joe has no Drew Brees so he gets no playoffs.  But Yahoo! thinks you draft handsomely.  Also we're not sold on Percy Harvin, but Dennis Pitta is a nice TE option.

Hey LOBO, resolve to fix your autodraft rankings

Predator Press - Grade: B - Projected Record 7-7 (5th place)
Your runner-up in last year's Humor Bowl will have to scrap a bit to get back there according to the Yahoo! bots. though there's a lot to disagree with.  Jimmy Graham in the first round was the 2nd best receiving threat in the Top 10 behind Megatron but LOBO was right to feel weird about drafting a TE with their first pick.  A.J. Green is another solid WR to build the team around.  But the RB situation is a bit dicey.  Le'Veon Bell is in drug trouble and Toby Gerhart is Toby Gerhart.  Colin Kaepernick will probably be able to bail out PredPress in some tight games, but if he goes down we're not sold on him being able to rely on RGIII.  Also, LOBO's autodrafter took Wes Welker way too high for someone with who just got his 3rd concussion in the past two years.  But like us LOBO lives for waiver wire pickups so he's got a puncher's chance of sneaking into the playoffs.

Future Ex-Cons (Defending HBFFL champion) - Grade: B - Projected Record 12-2 (1st place)
Troi's chances of winning a third consecutive Humor Bowl are looking good according to the Yahoo! bots, a lot of it due to having the weakest projected schedule (something RF rode hard on last year to get into the playoffs).  But they may have stumbled out of the gate by taking Drew Brees AND Peyton Manning with their first two picks.  This sort of trade bait scenario rarely works (we know, because we've tried it in the past, e.g. the Tom Brady/RGIII 5-8-1 season of 2012).   We like Troi's choice of Zac Stacy in the 3rd round, seeing how we had Zac Stacy last season and he racked up mad points for us in our push to the playoffs.  Larry Fitzgerald in the 4th round is a steal.  DeSean Jackson in the 5th?  Eh... RGIII is not Nick Foles.  San Francisco's D in the 6th seemed a bit of a reach as did taking K Stephen Gostkowski in the 8th.  Troi will roll the dice with Marques Colston because Brees can't throw to Jimmy Graham all the time.  We're going to make an outlandish prediction here: Troi does not win his 3rd championship without trading Brees or Manning, and we don't think anyone's going to make that deal. We may be biased because teams have learned over the years to be wary of trades with Renal Failure (we are the devil!), but the HBFFL has never been a trade-heavy league.

You sleep on Renal Failure, you get snapped in half.

Renal Failure (aka the People's Champion) - Grade B-  - Projected Record 7-7 (6th place)
Yahoo! never understands or appreciates how we operate. That's why we're the Wild Card (bitches)!  Renal Failure ended up picking last in the draft order for the 2nd straight year, but that's okay because we were 10-4 in 2013.  Your People's Champ went with our tried and true method of loading up on RB's - going with Marshawn Lynch, Alfred Morris, and C.J. Spiller. Then we loaded up with a deep trio of WR's Demaryius Thomas, Jeremy Maclin, and Michael Crabtree.  Yahoo! says we took Tom Brady too early in the 5th round, but we couldn't count on quality QB's to be available around picks 70 and 71.  Yahoo! says we stole TE Jason Witten in the 10th round but we like getting Jay Cutler as our backup QB in the 8th round even more.  We rounded out our draft with some handcuff picks (Riley Cooper, Fred Jackson) and decided to gamble in the later rounds with some adventurous picks with Sammy Watkins, Zach Ertz, and (to make up for not getting Johnny Manziel with the last pick) Blake Bortles.  If these youngsters blossom like they're expected to, Renal Failure could rocket themselves into the playoffs yet again.  And if they don't, well that's why we pound that waiver wire like it owes us money (that's how over the past 6 years we were into CJ2K, DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, Brandon Lloyd, Zac Stacy, and Arcade Fire before everyone else was - just kidding about Arcade Fire, we don't see what the big deal is about them).

In tribute of Tom Brady's 60-point day in 2009

Manley's Book Club - Grade: C+ - Projected Record 4-10 (8th place)
This newbie to the HBFFL didn't get the Yahoo! draft love, but he did get Nick Foles who had a red hot 2013 and should continue throwing bears into outer space in 2014 (throwing bears into outer space being our term for ridiculously high fantasy football point performances).  We personally think he took Dez Bryant way too high, but we don't much care for Cowboys not named Jason Witten (Yahoo! thinks Bryant's going to lead all WR in points this year because of reasons too smart for us to understand).  Cordarelle Patterson is slated to have a breakout year at WR, which we agree with more seeing as someone has to catch the ball in Minnesota.  Doug Martin will grind out a lot of yards running for the Bucs, and if Montee Ball can stay competent he could get close to those inexplicable Knowshow Moreno numbers from last year (and just to be sure, Manley drafted Moreno too). We're not keen on him wasting a high pick on Roddy White, considering the shit season he had when he was on the Renal Roster last year.  Probably could have gotten him much later.

Sometimes you just get spittin' mad at your draft.

Purple Drank - Grade C - Projected Record 2-12 (9th place)  
The commish of the HBFFL never gets any love from the Yahoo! draft bots.  Things started off good with grabbing Matt Forte and Julio Jones.  Then things went wonky with taking WR Keenan Allen with the 3rd round pick.  Reggie Bush in the 4th round was pretty money, as was getting Andrew Luck in the 5th.  After that, the rest of his draft decisions don't inspire much emotion other than "Well, you're here, come along."  Joique Bell is Reggie Bush's handcuff, so that's something, but the Drank is rolling with two Saints RB's on the bench (Pierre Thomas and Mark Ingram) Who do you know in fantasy football who's gone anywhere in the last few year by relying on the Saints running game?  At least Tampa Bay's Defense is supposed to be good.

For when you don't make the consolation playoffs.

Mile High Club - Grade: D - Projected Record 2-12 (10th place)
Yahoo! loves and hates the HBFFL rookies.  Mile High was granted the 1st pick overall and took Renal Failure mainstay Shady McCoy (Your People's Champ are McCoy hipsters, we were starting him before it was cool).  WR Antonio Brown was a solid 2nd round pick.  Yahoo! especially liked his 3rd round selection of Arian Foster (hey, we had McCoy and Foster last year too - Mile High knows who to emulate for success).  TE Jordan Cameron is projected to be the only person on the Browns catching anything so take that as you will, and WR Vincent Jackson is slated to be the man in Tampa Bay.  Rounding out the lineup are QB Tony Romo and a nice pickup in Round 8 of WR Emmanuel Sanders.  But the problem is with the rest of Mile High's RB choices.  Trent Richardson and Maurice Jones-Drew (a former Renal Failure favorite) aren't going to make teams lose sleep.  And Dwayne Bowe?  Sure, Renal Failure won a championship with him in 2010 but that was the last time he was ever useful.  Better hope Anquan Boldin still has some life left in those legs, or that RB Devonta Freeman breaks out in Atlanta.

We'll see in 16 weeks who the 2014 champ is, and who are the teams that really wanted to forget the 2014 season.  Maybe we'll check with the teams who were ambivalent about their season, but they're less fun.   

Renal Failure is the People's Champion and original member of the HBFFL. We are the fantasy football team your league deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

Biggest Blowout!

Yeah, that's me, in case you didn't recognize me. Biggest Blowout? Sure, on the losing end. Purple Drank skunked the nowins 131-67 for our seventh loss in a row. I think there's an award for the most losses in the league, isn't there?

I think my problem is I've been so busy following Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's antics I've not paid enough attention to fantasy football. Yeah, that's it, me and the Mayor were in a drunken stupor last week.

Clearly there's a crack in my fantasy football strategy.

Nowins' QB Manning's (Eli's not coming folks) 15 fantasy points, WR Victor Cruz's 10 and RB Reggie Bush's 10 were no match for Drank's QB Stafford's 33 fantasy points, WR Antonio Brown's 33 and RB Ray Rice's 25 respectively.

The nowins are now in 9th spot, recently vacated by Purple Drank who slips into 8th.

Way to go Drank. Is that Purple stuff some kind of energy drink? Can you pass some over here, huh?

Still with the drinking theme, next week nowins takes on 4th place Bourbon Blasters.

In the meantime…

Noname Making Name For Himself

Week 2 has come and gone and the Nonames have slipped quietly into second place with two wins in a row.

Thanks to QB Aaron Rodger's passing record of 480 yards against Washington and RGIII - which translated into 45 fantasy points - the Nonames  finished week 2 with the Biggest Blowout, defeating Chris's Purple Drank 115-71.

Hey, Peyton, that Rodgers is pretty good, eh? 

Shut up, Eli.

WR Dez Bryant racked up 25 points for the Nonames. WR Victor Cruz helped with another 16.

Davis Wilson continues to disappoint for both the Giants and the Nonames coming away from Week 2 with 1 point - an improvement of 2 points over last week's disastrous personal effort.

So Chris must have imbibed the Kool-Aid in Week 2.

Week 3 sees the 2-0-0 Nonames take on the 1-1-0 Bourbon Blasters.

Yahoo Sports has us evenly matched at the moment.

If those Blasters have bourbon in the water cooler it could be an entirely different game.

With a performance like that you should double check your insurance coverage RG.

Was Purple Drank Drunk?

Well, Purple Drank took his winning streak to Canada in Week 7 and encountered a cold front in the form of the over-achieving nonames. Over-achieving 4 weeks in a row according to Yahoo Sports. And he's come away with the largest margin of victory in the league 2 weeks in a row now thanks to a 110-81 crushing defeat over drunk Purple Drank. I told you not to drink the Kool-Aid, Drank.

Did I say cold front?

The nonames win comes in spite of the fact Purple Drank owns Chris Johnson who racked up 38 fantasy points this week. But that was PD's only big performer.

The big guns for nonames, apart from that guy in the picture, were Aaron Rodgers (no surprise there) with 34 points, Victor "I got it, I got it" Cruz with 26 and Sebastian Janikowski who booted 14 points our way. A.J. Green was a big disappointment this week cobbling together a measly 6 points.

Personally I think Drank's loss was due to too much time spent staring at that picture of Winona Ryder's eyes.

And as The Band used to sing:

Acadian driftwood, gypsy tail wind
They call my home the land of snow
Canadian cold front movin' in
What a way to ride, oh, what a way to go

Who knew The Band were Packer fans.

Tuesday Morning QB: Tom Fucking Brady!

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games. 

While I could pick on Joe O's choice of Brian Hartline (5 fantasy points) over Percy Harvin (27 fantasy points, read them and weep, Texas cowboy) this week, I won't. Instead I have to single out one particular owner's QB choice. The owner is Renal Failure; his choice at QB, Robert Griffin III, who had an abysmal four fantasy points.

And who did RF leave on the bench?

Tom Fucking Brady, with 21 fantasy points, that's who.

So instead of winning 81-76 over Chris Cameron's Purple Drank squad, RF's squad lost 76-64. I admit RGIII has been looking good, but after Brady rolled last week with 40 fantasy points, I don't see how one could bench him. Not to mention that Brady is an elite quarterback and RGIII, as a rookie QB, is nowhere near that status.

Also if RF had played Brady and won, it would have been adding insult to injury because Chris is a huge Pats fan.

 It would have been like:

and at the hands of Tom Fucking Brady. Take that, biotch!"

Alas, because of RF's piss-poor QB decision-making, it wasn't to be.

The lesson here: Always play Tom Fucking Brady, no questions.

The People's Week Four: Fresh out of the water!

By 2010's HBFFL and FTWL champion Renal Failure



The cold truth: big numbers equal big wins... and big pain!

We're not losing twice to Canada, so your People's Champion came out swinging Thor's hammer against What the Canuck? How hard did we bring Mjolnir down in our 121-85 victory, you ask? Not only was it tied for biggest blowout of HBFFL Week Four (but we scored the most points out of any HBFFL team this week), but Tom Brady had 40 points sitting on our bench. Funny thing, if RGIII (awesome 31-point day) doesn't fumble the ball at the goal line for Pierre Garcon to pick up, RGIII would have had 37 or 38 points, which ain't too shabby.

Renal Failure rolled high with our WR's with DeSean Jackson's 15pts (and he was 1 yard away from the 5-point bonus) and Dwayne Bowe's 21pts.  Jason Witten finally broke out with 22 points (with a garbage time TD). Trent Richardson is starting to pay off as our first-round pick with a solid 15pts. Even fill-in kicker Mike Nugent beat his projected score with a 9pt effort for the Bengals (according the Yahoo! recap, that's the most he's scored all season). Other than that, the rest of the lineup was very much meh. Fred Jackson rushed back from injury to get 6pts and the formerly-proficient Green Bay Defense seems to have disappeared (2pts? Come on, man!).

 
Forget Call Me Maybe or Gangnam Style... THIS was the true jam of Summer 2012!

Renal Failure came fresh out of the water with more big numbers than Canucklehead's crew. Matt Stafford's 27 points, Willis MacGahee's 24, and Mike Williams' 16pts were dragged down by Pierre Thomas's single point offering, Vernon Davis' 2pts, and Andre Johnson's fiver (was he the only Texan not scoring?). 

The People are back at .500 with this victory, allowing Renal Failure to remain within striking distance of the 3-1 logjam above them in the standings, a position no one wants Renal Failure to be in because of our propensity to get hot in the second half of the season, make the playoffs, and smash our way to the championship game like we've done in the 2009, 2010, and 2011.

 Note: To be fair, we did start the 2009 season 9-0 and finished 12-2, but we still made the championship game.

   
Are you in Renal Failure's way? That's not where you should be... because this is America!

Standing in the People's way to a 3-2 record in Week 5 is league-founder Purple Drank who ruined Unfinished Person's quest for a perfect season in Week 4. Since the league's inception in 2008, Renal Failure and Chris C.'s teams have split their previous ten meetings 5-5, but Renal Failure went 3-0 vs. Purple Drank last season (winning twice in the regular season and once in the playoffs), so momentum is on the People's side.  And though Purple Drank is currently 3-1, one of their wins was a lucky 68-64 escape vs. the last place Bald Spots. Renal Failure's two losses came in games where their starting running back from the Bills went down with first quarter injuries, and according to Yahoo! recap your People's Champ is 2-0 this season when they beat their projected score.

Early Yahoo! projections favor Renal Failure, especially with our dominant QB's.  Trent Richardson is starting to bloom on the Renal Roster, and Purple Drank's Chris Johnson is due to go back to shitting the bed for Purple Drank, despite his brief outburst of production in Week 4 (he did that to us last year when we had him - one good week, six bad weeks).

Chris needs a win to keep up with Predator Press, Unfinished Person, and Delusions of Adequacy at the top of the standings.  Renal Failure needs a win to get in a favorable position for one of our infamous late-season runs (we're 20-7-1 over the past four years in the 2nd half of the season). 8 wins with a lot of "points for" can get you in the playoffs (we've done it twice), but 9 wins usually seals the deal. And Renal Failure is in a deal sealing mood.

Renal Failure is the People's Champion in every fantasy football league we play in, except for that one league where the guy called his team The People's Champions. But we are still The Wild Card because no one can anticipate what we'll do next.  Not even us.

And Two-Piece if By Sea

Predator Press

[LOBO]

The New England Patriots haven't won a Superbowl since Tom Brady met Gisele Bundchen in 2007.

Chris, get some tight jeans, Tic-Tacs, and start slapping on eye-watering amounts of that Brut cologne you got for Christmas.

Drink as much alcohol as need to -but paper bag or no, you're gonna have to take one for the team here.

If that doesn't work, try seducing Gisele instead.

Week 16: We're Going Back to the Humor Bowl, Baby!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





You do not fuck with Megatron. He rips bears in half and throws them into space...

Third time was hardly charming at all for Chris and his Purple Drank as they fell for the third time this year to Renal Failure, this time in with a savage 135-68 catastrophe. How could this have happened to the Number One seed? Well, the Drank came up small when it mattered. Rob Gronkowski vanished (5pts) as Aaron Hernandez lit up the Broncos, Ray Rice couldn't get going against the Chargers (10pts) and Michael Turner only did what he was projected to do (12pts). Worse was Chris's choice of QB's, going with Andy Dalton instead of Ryan Fitzpatrick. Dalton limped in with 6pts while the Harvard man sat on the Drank bench with 22pts, not that it would have mattered but it would have lessened the brutality on the scoreboard.

As for The People's Champ, your defending HBFFL champ, all we needed was two of our stars throwing goddamn grizzly bears into deep space to beat Purple Drank's whole starting roster. Megatron lived up to his reputation as the leader of the Decepticons by torching the Raiders for 40 absoludicrous points and Shady McCoy racked up an insane 32-point day against the Jets. 72 points from just two players... a prime example of what we've been saying all year: Renal Failure is the HBFFL's most dangerous team. Why don't owners believe us when we say that (aside from LOBO who has been on the trolley for weeks)? With Tony Romo's 29-point Saturday night, this game was pretty much over by the 8:30 Saturday night game between the Ravens and Chargers.


When you have the best record in the league and then get blown out in the first round of the playoffs, it kind of feels like this...

135 points for the People's Champ, and with not a lot of help from some of our regulars either seeing how 72 of those are Megatron and Shady's. CJ2K disappointed, as usual, with a mere 10 points while Marshawn Lynch and Ryan Mathews rocked 16 and 22 points respectively on the People's Bench. We're getting to the point where we're winning despite of Chris Johnson, like we're handicapping ourselves just to see if we can get away with it. Brandon Lloyd didn't have fun with the Bengals, getting only 4 points. Even Billy Fucking Cundiff had a boring 2-point day. We need these guys to turn up their games if we're going to take win in Week 16 and become the HBFFL's first repeat champions.

(Yeah, all y'all teams wish you had taken me up on my earlier trade offers for Lynch and Mathews now, don't ya? Now look at you! Not in the championship game. What? Yeah! Thought so.)

And who is standing in the way of the People's and Defending Champion in Humor Bowl IV? LOBO and his Predator Press again! He barely clawed past the Bourbon Blasters (thanks to the San Francisco Defense and Joe's big point-scorers languishing on his bench), and now we have a rematch of last year's Humor Bowl III, the first time ever in the HBFFL for that. Last year, both teams cranked the knobs to 11 to make the playoffs, and while Renal Failure had to do that again this season to get in, LOBO was the front-runner for most the season and coasted into the playoffs with the 2nd-best record in the league. Does he have the same hunger, the same drive, the same desperation that he had last year? Hardly, considering he left in Mike Williams as his wide receiver this past week (no points). That decision almost cost him vs. the Bourbon Blasters.


Ines Sainz, patron saint of Tight Denim Victory, the People pray to you to grant Renal Failure another glorious HBFFL title, seeing how we finished dead last in the FTWL this year...

LOBO has Arian Foster with an awesomely-good matchup vs. the lowly Colts. Matty Stafford will be throwing the rock a lot against San Diego, unfortunately it will mostly be to Renal Failure's Calvin "Megatron" Johnson). LOBO could start a gimpy Ben Roethlisberger vs. St. Louis, but Big Ben's health seems too big a risk to gamble on. Jermichael Finley has a shot of getting thrown to more with Greg Jennings still injured and Aaron Rodgers being embarrassed by the Chiefs this past week. Michael Bush might have to contend with a returning Darren McFadden for touches vs. Kansas City. At the wide-out position, LOBO will be hoping for surprising days from Nate Washington and Julio Jones.

But LOBO is facing the team he fears most...

Renal Failure is stacked to dominate in this championship game. Big numbers are abound in the Philly/Dallas game as both defenses suck. If Andy Reid can remember the simple equation of "Giving the ball a lot to Shady McCoy = better chance of winning" then that will force Tony Romo to toss the ball often, sometimes to Jason Witten who will not be covered by the Eagles' high-priced cornerbacks. Chris Johnson will be given the chance to redeem himself for this entire season with a juicy matchup against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Megatron is Megatron and will handle himself. Brandon Lloyd will likely have a chance to put up big points in garbage time vs. the Steelers. And Billy Fucking Cundiff is still Billy Fucking Cundiff.


We've revved up the HBFFL Fantasy Football Battle Simulator again. LOBO is represented by the redhead with the rocket boots, Renal Failure is represented by the blonde woman without pants...

The projected score of Humor Bowl IV is 105-97 in favor of... YOUR PEOPLE'S CHAMPION RENAL FAILURE! Funny... last year Yahoo! had LOBO projected as the winner. Seems like this is yet another trend Renal Failure will be breaking this year. We've already defied the universe by making the playoffs. Now let's go the full nine, deny last year's runner-up the crown, and repeat as HBFFL champions. The People enjoy their champion being the actual champion and wish it to remain that way for another year.

Week 16: The Greatest Week in Fantasy Football. Unless you're in one of them weird leagues that don't do their championship game until Week 17.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Our reputation precedes us, as does that court order saying don't be within 200 feet of an elementary school.

Week 15: You're Never as Smart as You Think You Are

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





Some things seem like a good idea at the time... like benching LeSean McCoy...

Renal Failure once again defies all odds, and reason, and laws of physics by becoming the first HBFFL team to make the playoffs the year after winning a championship, breaking the defending champion curse by way of a nail-biting 94-92 victory over Unfinished Person. Going into Monday night, UP was up 92-64, but we still had Marshawn Lynch and Brandon Lloyd left to play. Beast Mode scored 22, Brandon Lloyd got 8, sealing the win for your People's Champion in what has to be the grandest comeback in HBFFL history.

WILD CARD, BITCHES! 4-2-1 in the 2nd half of the season! Another strong finish for Renal Failure. Only the Bourbon Blasters had a better 2nd half record than your People's Champ.

But in all honesty there's not much to feel good about with this win. UP lost DeMarco Murray early in the Dallas/New York game and Greg Jennings got injured in his game vs. Oakland in the third. You might say they left their games "unfinished." However, UP got huge days from MJD (37 points) and Marques Colston (27 points) so it's not like UP was starving for points, though he wished Michael Vick put up more of a fight than 12 points.


Nonamedufus sees that his Week 14 win over Multiple Scorgasms was for naught...

Your People's Champ almost pulled what Chris did last week: The Self-Inflicted Lineup Screw Job. See, we looked at the matchups for Week 14 and saw that Marshawn Lynch was playing against the weakest run defense in the NFL and thought "Hey, this might be a good week to start this guy. And he's been throwing up big bear-in-space points lately." That meant making a choice between benching Shady McCoy or Chris Johnson. Shady was up against a tough Dolphins run defense, CJ2K was at home vs. a Saints defense that doesn't scare anyone. CJ2K was projected for 16 and had been on a roll lately, McCoy was only projected for 12 and the Eagles were getting back Vick who can run the ball into the end zone himself with ease, so we trusted the numbers and benched McCoy. And it was true that McCoy had trouble gaining yards vs. the Dolphins, but he also got two touchdowns. CJ2K had just as much trouble vs. the Saints and had no scores.

Hey, we started the season with CJ2K screwing us over, that's how we were going out!

So yes, in retrospect we can clearly see how placing our entire season's hopes and dreams on a Rams/Seahawks game wasn't really the intelligent play we originally thought it would be. And as we went into Monday night your People's Champ had just about resigned ourselves to the notion that we had hara-kiried our season by trying to be oh so fucking clever. Not that the rest of the Renal regulars did much of anything to help. Mighty Megatron (3pts) and Jason Witten (1pts) were outscored by Billy Fucking Cundiff (6pts). Only Tony Romo's ridiculous 39-point day was keeping things competitive. But our gut feeling paid off, and Beast Mode and Brandon Lloyd came through for the People, returning Renal Failure to the playoffs with a marginally better record than last year (8-5-1 in 2011, 8-6 in 2010). And we're super glad we got that tie vs. Multiple Scorgasms because we would have lost the tiebreaker with NoNames.


Just when you think you have Renal Failure beat, they get 30 points on Monday night and hit you with a mid-air RKO/Diamond Cutter...

So... opening round of the playoffs... and look who's waiting for us: Chris and his Purple Drank. What do we know about Purple Drank? We know we've beaten them twice this season. We know he's solid at RB with Ray Rice and Michael Turner. We know he's got the top TE in the league with Rob Gronkowski. But we also know his QB situation is dire with Andy Dalton and Ryan Fitzpatrick being 13th and 14th in QB scoring.

But what do you know about Renal Failure? Did you know LeSean McCoy was the highest-scoring RB in the HBFFL? Did you know that Marshawn Lynch is 6th and has been sitting on the Renal bench for most of the season alongside the 10th-leading rusher Ryan Mathews (hey, we wanted to make some deals but no one wanted to play Let's Make a Deal with Renal Failure)? Did you know Megatron was 2nd in the league in WR points, or that Tony Romo is 8th in QB points, or that Jason Witten was one of only four tight ends this season to break 100 points? Did you know that CJ2K sucked ass for most of the season, only getting double digit points in six out of 14 games and still is the 12th-highest scoring RB in the HBFFL?

Well, now you know and knowing is half the battle!


The other half of the battle? Not losing your goddamn mind...

Yahoo! is projecting a 103-92 victory for... RENAL FAILURE? Against the 10-4 Purple Drank? How can this be? Well, CJ2K is running against the winless-for-a-reason Colts, Shady McCoy will be running on a Jets defense that is weak on the ground, Megatron will be snagging down touchdowns vs. the Raiders, and Tony Romo will be throwing all day vs. the Buccaneers because that makes more sense than handing the ball to Felix Jones. Sure, Chris has a good matchup with Ray Rice running roughshod over the Chargers and Rob Gronkowski going up against the inexplicable Broncos, but as stated before he still has Andy Dalton and Ryan Fitzpatrick as his QB's. That has to make Chris feel a bit queasy, pinning his playoff hopes on them.

The only trend Chris has going for him is that he's 1-0 in playoff games vs. Renal Failure. But as Week 14 showed, Renal Failure breaks trends. And wins games.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We finished dead last in the FTWL and lost our opening playoff game this week in our third league. Playoffs in our fourth league don't start until Week 16 but we've already clinched a spot. Three playoff berths in four leagues... not too shabby.

The Predators Pray

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I’m not going to produce fancy “facts” and “mathematics.”  I’m just going to come right out and say Chris’ latest gridiron menace is every inch as formidable as his previous incarnations.

In fact the mere thought of facing his team again makes my genitalia want to suddenly retreat up into my stomach.  For those of you unfamiliar with that feeling, I have provided this image:

But how does Ben Roethlisboner keep getting his arms and legs snapped off, and still throw in for 22 points using only his lips? And in Week 14, how does Predator Press still have the lowest “Points Against” in the entire league?

It can mean only one thing.

Divine intervention.

Jesus wants all you pagan infidels smoten.

-And He is using me as His Divine Holy Smiterator!

I, for one, think bein thrown down into the fiery pits of Hell where you'll all be roasted in lava pits of salted glass shards (while Jesus an I push your heads under with our sandals laughin like giddy little schoolgirls) for all Eternity might actually do you miscreants some good.

-It might even turn some of you into creants!

Week 14: Gotta Win It to Get in It

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





No "Boom! Headshot!' for Chris this week... your People's Champ was just too quick.

Renal Failure sweeps the regular season series vs. Chris with a 99-97 victory over Purple Drank. CJ2K has peaked at the right time with a huge 34-point day, complemented by LeSean McCoy's 24-point effort vs. Seattle (an effort dwarfed by Marshawn Lynch's 33pts sitting on my bench... bet all you team wish you had taken me up on my BEAST MODE trade offers now, honkeys!)

Other than that, the starting Renal Roster came up small. Tony Romo was one yard away from the 300-yard bonus (18pts), Jason Witten did not see the end zone (4pts) and neither did Brandon Lloyd (3pts) or Megatron (7pts). Houston's D hasn't been panning out like we hoped (4pts) and even Billy Fucking Cundiff disappointed (6pts). On the Renal Bench, Michael Crabtree outscored both Lloyd and Megatron (17pts). Even Carson Palmer had a better day at QB (21pts). So did the NY Jets Defense (8pts). Few things hurt a Fantasy Football owner more than leaving points on the bench.


Chris don't know the sort of pain Renal Failure knows...

Chris might have outfoxed himself out of a win this week, benching normal starter Michael Turner for Lagarrette Blount. Turner ground out 4pts, Blount only managed a singular point. Usual-starter Stevie Johnson sat on the Purple Drank bench with 11pts while Chris went with Laurent Robinson who only got 7pts. If Chris doesn't tinker with his normal lineup, he wins Week 14 against the People's Champion.

Not that Chris didn't have a good week. Rob Gronkowski rocked a 3TD 24-point day, which is absurd for tight ends. Ray Rice marched up 32-points against a tough Cleveland defense. Mike Wallace got a solid 15-points against the Bengals. Unfortunately, no one else on the Purple Drank roster had good days. On top of Blount's singular point, Andy Dalton had a weak 10-point day. Even kicker Alex Henery had a sad with only two points.

To conclude Week 13: both teams had players throwing bears into orbit, cancelling each other out. Ultimate victory came down to scores of the non-bear-throwing teammates.


Renal Failure has a simple strategy for victory, and that's why we're the HBFFL's most dangerous franchise...

The last game of the regular season sees Unfinished Person returning to give us an opportunity to avenge our Week 5 loss. Unfinished Person gets Michael Vick back, though Miami has been playing tough defense and the only Philadelphia Eagle worth a shit lately has been Renal Failure's Shady McCoy as Desean Jackson has lost interest in the season. Greg Jennings is still a danger since Aaron Rodgers throws him the rock, MJD is MJD, and DeMarco Murray has been a decent pick-up (we know because we have him in other leagues bringing us good numbers).

Too bad for Unfinished Person that Renal Failure has caught fire in the second half of the season, as usual. Along with Shady McCoy's usual top tier performance against anyone he plays, Tony Romo and Jason Witten will be in an NFC East shootout for first place vs. the Giants. Megatron will be pulling down passes all day against a Minnesota defense that let Tim Tebow run up 35 points on them. Brandon Lloyd should be all right vs. Seattle. And as always, Billy Fucking Cundiff is Billy Fucking Cundiff.


You know shit's gotten real when we invoke the power of Ines Sainz, our Lady of Tight Denim Victory. May her hotness bring us a playoff berth and another championship...

As of this posting, Yahoo! is projecting a 106-85 victory for your People's Champ. We like our odds considering this is a revenge game for Renal Failure, and no one does revenge like we do. Plus a victory clinches the final playoff spot, breaking the vicious HBFFL cycle of champions not making the playoffs the year after winning it all. UP would like to be a spoiler, but we just don't think he's bhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifrutal enough to do so. You need a cold heart to properly enjoy ending a team's playoff hopes, a vicious brutality that makes people look at you and slowly back away with abject horror. Are you that brutal, Unfinished Person? Maybe, considering you're starting Michael Vick.


Brutality is our speciality. Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to ruin the dreams of every person you meet...

Speaking of playoffs, here's what the playoff picture looks like in this last week of the HBFFL regular season.

Multiple Scorgams, Bald Spots, What the Canuck?, Future Ex-Cons, and Unfinished Person have been eliminated from playoff contention, but if Bald Spots beats Canuck by more than 15 points Bald Spots gets into the consolation playoffs to compete for fifth place vs. Ex-Cons, UP, and whoever misses the actual playoffs (more on that below). Canuck would get 9th place.

Predator Press and Purple Drank have clinched playoff spots. A PredPress win clinches them the first seed. A PredPress loss and a Purple Drank win ties them for first, with Purple Drank currently ahead in the Points For tiebreaker by 67 points.

Bourbon Blasters clinch with a win or with a loss and both Renal Failure and NoNames losing as well.

Renal Failure clinches with a win or with a loss coupled by a loss or tie by NoNames.

NoNames can clinch one of two ways: easy and hard. The easy way is to win their game vs. Multiple Scorgasms and for Renal Failure to lose vs. Unfinished Person. The hard way is winning vs. Multiple Scorgasms, Renal Failure winning, and Bourbon Blasters losing. That sends Bourbon Blasters and NoNames to the tie breaker where Bourbon Blasters currently have a 44-point edge in the tie-breaker.

So yeah, the postseason picture is a lot simpler this year, but no less exciting. And your People's Champion is ready to defend their title in the playoffs because that's what the People demand.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We've made the playoffs in two of the other leagues we're playing in this year, but not in the FTWL where our season had crashed and burned four weeks ago.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Thursday night games AND APYS

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

I coulda been a contender...

...for this year's playoffs except for two things:

1. Me ignoring the Thursday night rule.
2. Chris ignoring the APYS (Always Play Your Stud) rule.

When you have a Thursday night game, make sure you get the wrong quarterback out of your lineup and the right one in.

For me, the wrong one:

I should have known not to play a dude with a lame-ass goatee.

And the right one:

 

original photo courtesy of Open Sports via Flickr, with a little adaptation by me

Nine points for Vincey Young vs. 22 points for Timmy Tebow. I coulda, woulda, shoulda won 83-81 over What The Canuck? Not lost 81-70 as I didda.

Now Chris' mistake wasn't as large a point mistake as mine, but it was just as crucial as it allowed Renal Failure, the self-proclaimed People's Defending Champion, to win 99-97 over Chris' Purple Drank squad and not help my playoff chances as a result. Chris played this guy:

Hell, I'd play the guy based on this photo.

Instead of this guy:

photo courtesy of The Suss-Man via Flickr

Dude is so quick. He's a blur.

LeGarrette Blount only scored one point to Michael Turner's four points, but as even a fifth grader can tell you, four is more than one and in this case would have given Chris the one-point victory over RF, 100-99. Plus you never sit your studs.

Not sure how to find a stud...or even your studfinder? How about this?

comic via xkcd.com

For next time, Chris.

Purple Drank Will Defeat Canuck with Mayhem

What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving? When it comes to fantasy football it is the fact I am 8-3 and in second place. I could be 6-5.

Flashback to Week Eleven...Monday night...

I'm down by nine with Gronk and NE defense left to play. Bald Spots, my opponent has Brady. That's usually a loss.

Final score? Purple Drank 131, Bald Spots 122.

For the second week in a row my opponent got Gronked and I got two more wins. But my team has also lost both Schaub and Cutler. Purple Drank is currently being led at QB by the likes of Andy Dalton and the newest member of the Kansas City Chiefs Kyle Orton.

This week I face What The Canuck?, a team not doing so well as of late. He's on a three-game slide and Fred Jackson is done for the year.

So I felt bad going with my scheduled secret weapon blatantly hinted at in the post title: Mayhem, from the insurance commercials. It seemed like overkill.

Instead, in Week Twelve my secret weapon is the guy from the Planet Fitness commercial.

Purple Drank Will Wipe Spots With BC Asskickery

This week's secret weapon is one of the most ass-kicking people in a hit tv show about the distant past. But as usual, more on that later...

Unfinished Person needed a win to keep their playoff hopes alive and were looking good with a six-point lead and Jennings on MNF. But Gronk was happy to disappoint, with 28 freaking fantasy points.

So this week I face the intimidating Bald Spots. And I brought in the most intimidating ever, badass fictional character ever for this one.

Yup, none other than Taylor, the kickass leader on the show Terra Nova. That picture was taken right before the moment he stared down a giant lizard dinosaur with just that torch and a knife. Last week, the guy deflected a meteor blast with his chest.

Taylor's tears could cure cancer. But he never cries. And he helps me beat Bald Spots this week.

Tuesday Morning Quarter: Flop Eagles Flop

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.


Playing Purple Drank, I should have known better to drink any drank Sunday morning, but I did...I drank the drink some of the talking sports heads, namely over at Yahoo Fantasy Live, were pouring about the Eagles, as perhaps some of you also did. As a result, I lost to Drank by a score of 107 to 94.

Specifically, I guzzled the green concoction about DeSean Jackson being declared inactive for Sunday afternoon's game against the Arizona Cardinals, and how others would benefit: namely Jason Avant and Brent Celek. Immediately, I placed them in starting positions alongside quarterback Michael Vick. I mean, I had Tim Tebow on the bench. I couldn't have a prayer with him, could I? It's like he has some kind of inside track with God, right?

original photo courtesy of Open Sports via Flickr, with a little adaptation by me

True, Celek had 5 fantasy points to Owen Daniels' 3 on the bench, but still I expected more...like at least a touchdown against the putrid Arizona Cardinals. However, Avant was the one who really disappointed with his 0 fantasy points and not to be left out of any of this was Vick who ended the afternoon with 9 fantasy points where he was projected to have 23 by Yahoo (of course, dude had a legitimate excuse with two broken ribs).

...and at least, Avant almost got a touchdown, but as everyone knows almost doesn't count in football and tiddlywinks (okay, almost might count in tiddlywinks, but I'll leave that for the North American Tiddlywinks Association to decide). I should have just gone with the Saints' Marques Colston, who has been solid, if not inspiring. Even though he or a ball he was carrying didn't cross the goal line or the pylon, he still managed 16 fantasy points on eight grabs for 113 yards -- and, to boot, his team won.

All this might, just might, have been avoided if DeSean Jackon had gone to a special teams practice on Saturday. That was the reason he was declared inactive. However, if anything Philadelphia fans have learned over the years, it is this: Practice? It's no big deal. After all, it's not a game.

Purple Drank Will Finnish the Unfinished

I've got an extra special secret weapon for The Unfinished One this week. And "Finnish" is not a typo. But more on that in a bit...

Nonames talked the talk and walked the walk, beating me last week 95-83. But you would have thought he won the championship by the way he enjoyed the victory:

"So the nonames slipped past Mr. Musta Drank the Purple Kool-Aid into third place and my nemesis PD - what? can't be - slipped to fourth."

Next thing you know nonames will be requesting Nickelback play the halftime show at the HBFFL Humor Bowl 2012.



(Side note: Kyle Oseph is available on the waiver wire.)

So this week I face Unfinished Person of Interest. Yeah he is 4-5 but none the less I have pulled out a secret weapon unlike any other I have used in the past...

That's right. I am sending the Finnish Inquisition to taunt Unfinished Whatever into submission. Frankly, I have no idea why they are in scuba gear. Finnish people are weird.

I'll Take Towel Boy For The Win, Alex

About the only thing that happened more than my man Rodgers connecting with 4 different receivers for four touchdowns last week was the number of times the Green Bay towel guy dried off Mr. Rodgers helmet. Rodgers and his Riders On The Storm went up against the Chargers in a downpour. But pouring rain and and lightening bolts couldn't dampen a beautiful day in Mr. Rodgers' neighbourhood. He racked up 33 fantasy points.

Hey, don't touch the helmet. The towel guy just wiped it down.

My opponent last week was Purple Drank. You know him...the robot guy? Yeah, after Sunday afternoon I was whupping him. At the end of Sunday night, he'd pulled a point ahead of me. But in a duel of kickers Monday night my Robbie Gould of Chicago kicked more than twice the 6 points his Alex Henery of Philadelphia could muster giving me the week's win of 95-83.

Mr. 13 Points.

So the nonames slipped past Mr. Musta Drank the Purple Kool-Aid into third place and my nemesis PD - what? can't be - slipped to fourth. Predator Press remains in first spot followed by Bourban Blasters. Watch out guys. And all I can say is do bad news bears shit in the woods? You bet. Just before they throw a cheerleader into outer space.

Next week's victim? Predator Press who Yahoo Sports is already predicting will go down to defeat. You gotta love this game.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Play the gimp

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

Last week, my advice was to play a defense that has no chance in hell of scoring any points to get yourself to a win. This week, my advice is just as trenchant: play the gimp.

Example No. 1: Julio Jones. His legal name is Quintorris Lopez Jones, with Quintorris meaning "gladiator," and that he was on Sunday as he went off on three passes for 131 yards and two touchdowns, the first two in his career, and a total of 37 fantasy points. Dude, better known as JLo to his close friends, was coming off a hamstring injury and if you had him on your bench this past weekend, you didn't have a fighting chance.

Example No. 2, and more importantly (well, to me anyway as he was sitting on my bench as I lost 83-69 to Future Ex-Cons), Willis McGahee or Willis Andrew McGahee III, if you're nasty. Like Jones, McGahee also tallied a pair of touchdowns but on 20 carries for 163 yards. He had 35 fantasy points. His injury? A broken right hand or what doctors call "a boxer's fracture."

So based on my own advice, in week 10, I will be playing both Felix Jones (high ankle sprain) and Jahvid Best (concussion) off of my bench and I will crush Purple Drank like a pop can.

You can go for my underarm, Purple Drank. I will go for the jaw.

Purple Drank Says Hell No

Being a trash talker myself I enjoy taking on someone who does a lot of it. But more on that in a moment...time for a quick recap of Week Eight...

If it were not for the fact I got beat by a basement team last week, a.k.a. Troi and his 2-5 Future Ex-Cons I would just skip ahead to the Week Nine battle between my 6-2 Purple Drank and nonames' 5-3 upstart squad.

But I need to give credit where it is due. Congrats Ex-Cons for being one of two teams to beat me so far this season. Unfortunately, all your win does is lead you to believe you have a shot at the playoffs. It is kinda like thinking a nerd can land the hot chick.

Yeah, that only happens in the movies, much like thinking a team that is 3-5 can make the playoffs.



Exactly.

So anyways, after my 1-1 trip through the basement in Weeks 7-8 it is the aforementioned battle between myself and nonames, a team that talks as much trash as I do. He might even talk more shit than Renal Failure does. No small feat, I might add.

And this weekend I get to silence the loose-lipped nonames. Am I concerned that he has Aaron Rodgers back in action? Do I think he can beat me?

Yeah, and I'm a robot.

And like many times in the past I am bringing out the secret weapons. In this go-around I am employing the sycophants of the Occupy Wall Street Movement to protest nonames' team in the hopes it will wither under the pressure.

And like always this can only mean one thing for nonames...

Bad news!