The People's Week 4: Everyone took a bye week

by Renal Failure



My quest to get to 2-2, foiled by bye-week treachery... DREAMCRUSHERS! YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW!

Your People's Champion Renal Failure had a bad Week 4.  We knew we had Marshawn Lynch and Demaryius Thomas on bye weeks, but what we didn't know is that everyone else on our team would take a bye week too. Not that it would have mattered because the Dreamcrushers! jumped on us, putting up 122 points to our meager 74.

Jeremy Maclin came back down to earth with 5pts. Michael Crabtree barely managed 4pts. Our decision to go Fred Jackson/CJ Spiller instead of Chris Ivory/Sammy Watkins wasn't that bad.  The Bills RB's put up 16 together, Ivory/Watkins 18.  We said no more Tom Brady and were rewarded sby Jay Cutler scoring 18 to Brady's anemic 8.  Alfred Morris's 14 points and the San Diego's DEF's 11pts were the only bright spots (even Cody Parkey took the week off with 3pts). 

Andrew Luck and Matt Forte threw bears into space (38 and 28 points respectively).  Keenan Allen's 18 and Kevlin Benjamin's 13 iced the day though Chris admittedly fucked up by not starting Steve Smith Sr. who had a absoludicrous 32 points against Carolina.  Good thing he was playing a team that had the scoring equivalent of mono this week (Yahoo! gave us a C- for the week, another pat on the head for not having a chance because even our bench sucked).


When you're 1-3, you gotta be ready to blow shit up...

Rust never sleeps, and Renal Failure is always looking to make moves. No one wheels and deals like the People's Champ.  Last week we traded for Chris Ivory.  Didn't play him, but that's okay because we packaged him with Sammy Watkins and Tom Brady in a deal to Troi and his 1-3 Future Ex-Cons for Drew Brees, Carlos Hyde, and Larry Fitzgerald.  Cutler's been putting up good numbers, but Drew Brees is a sure thing week in and week out.  He's going to get his points even when he's losing.

So now look at Renal Failure: Starting blue chip QB who will throw all day long.  Beast Mode at RB, ready to dominate any week.  Alfred Morris at the other RB spot, the only dependable aspect of the 'Skins offense.  Demaryius Thomas and Jeremy Maclin at WR - the main receivers in pass-happy offenses. What fantasy owner wouldn't love a core group like that?


How the rest of the league sees Renal Failure's trading strategy...

Oh, and did we mention we still have C.J. Spiller AND Fred Jackson for RB depth and FLEX options, not to mention we picked up Bishop Sankey at a time where the Titans are actually going to run him more seeing how he's the only one on the team with talent?  Hell, even Jason Witten's starting to pick up his game just in case Zach Ertz somehow does not live up to his TE Of The Future billing.  And when Frank Gore and Doug Martin go down with injuries (because they've done it before) we've got Bobby Rainey and Carlos Hyde on standby, ready to play or ready to deal.

So going into Week 5 vs. Predator Press, we're liking our odds a bit more than usual.  We have reloaded and restocked, no one's on a bye, and 1-3 is the kind of desperate situation that historically has seen Renal Failure rally.  And though Yahoo! sees the matchup as a slight advantage to the People's Champ over LOBO's Predator Press, you can feel it in the air that Renal Failure's going to get business done in a big way.


Everyone does the air drums to this...

We'll see whether The People are on back on track or we've blown up our season.  Gotta love the desperation that comes after the four game mark to salvage or maintain a fantasy season.  The waiver wire Hail Mary's. The Machiavellian trades. The clinging to hope that long-shots pay off and everyone else stays healthy.  We're going for broke, baby!  Or at least that fourth-seed.

Renal Failure is the People's Champ of the HBFFL and the FTWL.  We got housed just as bad in the FTWL in Week Four too so apparently we don't win when Marshawn Lynch doesn't play. But Beast Mode is back and we're playing LOBO in the FTWL too, and Yahoo! likes his chances even less there.

Week 12: And I Know It's My Own Damn Fault

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





Some things seem like a good idea at the time... others not so much...

Renal Failure and Multiple Orgasms made history as the first teams to ever tie in the HBFFL, ending Week 11 in a 92-92 stalemate. This will certainly serve to screw up all future posts about playoff scenarios in the the future weeks, and your People's Champion has no one to blame but themselves for this.

See, we made a trade at the deadline with Multiple Orgasms, sending DeAngelo Williams and the Cincinnati Bengals Defense for Ben Tate and the Houston Texans Defense. The trade wouldn't have gone through in time for Sunday's games without the help of the commissioner and both teams consent, which we gave. If the trade had not gone through in an expedited manner, Mark would have had to have played Marion Barber instead of DeAngelo Williams. Barber had 8 points, Williams had 10. Without this trade, Renal Failure would have gone to 7-4 instead of being an awkward 6-4-1.


This is what a tie feels like. Soccer fans feel like this every day. That's why they lose their shit when someone actually scores.

But we can't put all the blame on our ill-timed trade. We can certainly blame CJ2K for only getting two points vs. the Falcons. We can blame Shady McCoy for not getting into the end zone on his last rush vs. the Giants (three more yards and you were in!). One more receiving yard from Megatron would have given him one more point. Eight more passing yards from Tony Romo and he would have hit the 300-yard mark for five bonus points.

The Renal bench looked exquisite with Marshawn Lynch (14 points), Sidney Rice (11 points), and Michael Crabtree (18 points). This gives us some confidence about our depth in case something happens to our starters, and complements our recent trade nicely. We wanted to upgrade our defense and special teams and we believe Houston will do that in spades. Also Ben Tate is our longshot bet against Arian Foster's health. Yeah, Foster's probably going to make it through the rest of the season unharmed, but if he doesn't we're prepared to capitalize on that opportunity. Call it Contingency Plan T.

On the Multiple Orgasms side, we didn't expect Victor Cruz to put up 23 vs. the Eagles, or Percy Harvin to put up 15 vs. the Raiders. We are fortunate Mark played Aaron Hernandez instead of Tony Gonzalez at TE because Gonzalez would have blown us out of the water with his 13-point day vs. the Titans. Perhaps we should just be grateful we didn't leave Week 11 with a loss.


Any week you can walk away from... and retain full use of everything from the neck down...

So Week 12 brings us a return encounter with Troi and his Future Ex-Cons, who we defeated 91-81 in Week 3. With Bourbon Blasters and Nonames (both 6-5) losing in Week 11, Troi has worked his way back into the playoff picture at 5-6. Unfortunately his gravy train to the postseason ends here, as his top RB Adrian Peterson is likely to miss action with a high ankle sprain. Troi's backup RB is James Sparks, who also injured himself in Week 11. The one healthy RB he has, Frank Gore, has a tough matchup vs. Baltimore. Troi is going to lean heavily on Matt Ryan and Roddy White lighting up the Vikings.

Renal Failure has a lot of good matchups in their favor. Tony Romo and Jason Witten play a pourous Dolphins defense, Shady McCoy is likely to run roughshod over that paper-thin New England D, and it's going to be a shootout with the Lions and the Packers so Megatron is going to have plenty of opportunities to put up big numbers. The Houston D has a great opportunity to slap around the Jaguars and there's always Billy Cundiff striking fear into the hearts of everyone.

Yahoo! has us winning 99-72, but that's with Troi still starting a presumably inactive Adrian Peterson (A.J Green brings the still-losing projected score to 99-79). Yahoo! also had us blowing out Multiple Orgasms too. Wait, let me rephrase that. No, on second thought, we'll let that slide. Point is, we're not trusting Yahoo!, we're trusting our gut and our gut says we're going to 7-4-1 when Week 12 is finished. And on an unrelated point, we plan on being obliviously drunk by the time the Lions/Packers and Cowboys/Dolphins games are done this Thanksgiving.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. It has been said that ties are like kissing your sister. Being an only child, however, this metaphor is sort of lost on us. We've got cousins, though.

Week 2: Welcome to Cybertron!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure




Who's that blasting holes through robots? It's the newest member of the Renal Failure roster, fools!

Over the past two seasons, Renal Failure has been known to pull off a major trade that gives them a boost into the championship game. This season, your People's Champion pulled off that trade way earlier than usual.

Renal Failure acquired Calvin "Megatron" Johnson from Canucklehead, along with RB Ryan Mathews in exchange for QB Mark Sanchez, RB Fred Jackson, and the New York Giants Defense. And Megatron paid immediate dividends with a 14-point day to help give Renal Failure a 109-88 victory over HBFFL newcomers Multiple Scorgasm.


Losing to Renal Failure is a painful experience, but it's like an HBFFL rite of passage...

Things weren't all tits and beer for your People's Champion. Brandon Lloyd was a last minute scratch in the 4pm game, and Chris Johnson is still working off the rust from his holdout. Hell, we even expected more than Kicker Billy Cundiff's decent 7 points because he's Billy Fucking Cundiff, that's why.

However, the things that were tits and beer were really nice. Tony Romo made a triumphant comeback after breaking a rib and possibly collapsing a lung to put up 32 big points at the QB slot, Jason Witten continues to steadily produce at the TE position, and LeSean McCoy has established himself as a major fantasy force with being the top scoring running back in the league after two weeks. Sure Fred Jackson is the second-leading scorer and we shipped him off to What the Canuck? but he was just going to waste those points on our bench behind CJohnson and Shady McCoy. Besides, he got us Megatron, and that will bring us some stability at the always volatile WR position.


Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory smiles on Renal Failure yet again...

Week Three sees another HBFFL newcomer Troi and his Future Ex-Cons step into the People's Arena to taste for themselves what every other team in the HBFFL has sampled: the fierce flavor of defeat by Renal Failure.

Note: Chris needs to trade us Stevie Johnson so Renal Failure can have a trio of Johnsons, which will lend itself to plenty of jokes in future posts.