Thursday, September 30, 2010

Week 4 Preview: Renal Failure vs. La Machine

by Renal Failure

Zorro Cat looks forward to a Renal Failure victory this week...

It's a rematch from last year's championship game, though both teams are far from championship form this year. The Failure and The Machine are 1-2 and have had their issues in the early stages of the 2010 season, with La Machine having trouble with the autodraft and Renal Failure losing Ryan Grant after the first game and having the Bald Spots throw four bears into orbit on us last week.

The Yahoo! projections show Renal Failure dominating La Machine 103-79, and as pleasing as it is for us to see the People's Champion winning our revenge game by such a large margin, we find the numbers a bit inflated.

Chris Johnson is projected for 28 points against Denver, but high projections like that are never to be trusted. And while we're fine with Tom Brady's 24 projected points vs. Miami, we're not so sure of New Orleans DEF's 11 point projection. Even Pierre Thomas's 13 projected points seem highly optimistic, even against a bad team like Carolina.

Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy suggest La Machine start Alex Smith this week...

La Machine is going to depend on Matt Schaub and Cedric Benson to have big days because Ray Rice has knee troubles and will probably see a bunch of his carries given to Willis McGahee. There's the newly-acquired Peyton Hillis sitting on Chris's bench, but really, does the defending champion want to put his trust in a member of the Cleveland Browns?

Roddy White's been paying dividends at WR, but Terrell Owens hasn't been setting the world on fire. La Machine could start Braylon Edwards in TO's place, but then that would put Chris on the shit-list of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, and those women are relentless. (Side Note: The Westminster Dog Show people have been burning a dog house on Rambler's lawn for having Michael Vick on his roster. And you don't even want to know what the Lifetime Network has been doing to LOBO for having Ben Roethlisberger on his team.)

One edge La Machine might have is that he has New England's Stephen Gostkowski kicking for him, and if Renal Failure's bear-chucking machine Tom Brady stalls out against Miami, Gostkowski could get some field goals.

Gostkowski blesses you, my child...

Without a doubt, this is the most important game on the Week 4 schedule. The winner goes to 2-2 and gets back into the playoff hunt; the loser goes to 1-3 and sees their road to the post-season become that much more difficult. Still, La Machine started the 2009 season 1-3 and won the championship, so it's not an impossible position. So since it's a familiar place for Chris, he should drop to 1-3 and try to recreate his magical run of '09 while Renal Failure tastes Week 4 victory. And just to bring balance back to the universe, Renal Failure should run win the rest of their games and duplicate their magical 12-2 regular season from '09 as well.

The People have waited a long time for vengeance against La Machine, the team that ruined our perfect '09 season and then took the championship from us. Revenge is a soup best served hot and steaming and poured in your lap, and we've got a cauldron of chicken noodle heating up for Sunday.

Renal Failure also likes lobster bisque, but finds its too thick for proper vengeance-filled crotch scaldings. You want a thinner broth that will seep through the fabric and the zipper.


Unfinished Rambler said...

Personally I think Pierre Thomas has been great this year for me. I don't get all the hate for him here and other places. Of course, now that I say this, he'll probably tank...sorry. :( Well, sorry for both of us.

Chris C said...

You were lucky I took out Owens at the last minute for Edwards. I went with the hot hand of Edwards over the formerly-cold Owens.