Thursday, December 9, 2010

Week 14: The Fate of Renal Failure's Season vs. What the Canuck?

by Renal Failure

Cocaine is a hell of a drug...

We are pumped for Week 14. We are incoherently pumped for this. This is why you play Fantasy Football, for these sorts of arbitrary situations that you have no control over.

A loss eliminates Your People's Champion Renal Failure from playoff contention. A win keeps them alive momentarily, depending on the outcomes of the Bald Spots/Team Krapsody and Predator Press/Bourbon Blasters games. A loss by either one of those teams and your People's Champion is playoff bound as a Wild Card, bitches. We'll have pulled off a dramatic 2nd half-of-the-season comeback, winning 6 out of our last 7 games to salvage a 2-5 start.

But if we lose... well, it's likely that we'll take it poorly. A season full of promise, starting with having the Overall Number One pick, ruined by injuries and misfortune. Our machinations and dealings to make a floundering franchise viable and strong again... rendered futile. And worse of all, we won't be able to keep up the HBFFL trend of the team that lost the previous year's championship winning it the next year. We have an obligation to uphold that tradition, even though it's only happened once before.

The Canadian Destroyer... that's what we hope to be this week...

Yahoo! has Renal Failure projected to win 110-71, and a lot of those points are based on a 20-point projection for Bear NASA founder Tom Brady vs. the Bears (we'll be disappointed if he doesn't put up at least 30), a 22-point projection for Chris Johnson vs. the Colts (seems high considering his putrid performance the last two weeks, but Indy sucks against the run and Chris Johnson fucking owes us big time), and a big 23-point projection for Peyton Hillis vs. the Buffalo Bills (now that seems ridiculously high, even vs. the Bills who can lock it down sometimes). Still, the 10 points that Brandon Lloyd is projected for vs. Arizona is reasonable, as is the 10-spot the Tampa Bay defense is projected to get vs. Washington. We even like Dwayne Bowe's 8 projected points vs. San Diego and believe he'll have a good chance of exceeding it.

But the low-ball 71 score seems rather reasonable for Canuck. Peyton Manning has not been very Peyton-ish lately, and that means Reggie Wayne's numbers will suffer. Jamaal Charles is splitting carries with Thomas Jones, and Percy Harvin won't be targeted as much now that Sidney Rice is back for the Vikings. Without a big day from the Manning known as Peyton, it doesn't look good for Canuck, and that looks damn good for The People's Champion.

Ines Sainz... no one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we lost in Fantasy Football. All that matters is that Renal Failure stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Ines Sainz... so grant me one request. Grant me the playoffs! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!

We'll know after Monday night (because Canuck has Todd Heap and you never know when a tight end will throw a bear into orbit) whether your People's Champion is heading back to the playoffs or whether we've just missed the playoffs like we did in '08. Until then, keep fucking that chicken.

Renal Failure has Peyton Manning in another league, but we've already clinched a playoff spot there so it's perfectly fine if he shits the bed this week .

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