Week 16: We're Going Back to the Humor Bowl, Baby!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





You do not fuck with Megatron. He rips bears in half and throws them into space...

Third time was hardly charming at all for Chris and his Purple Drank as they fell for the third time this year to Renal Failure, this time in with a savage 135-68 catastrophe. How could this have happened to the Number One seed? Well, the Drank came up small when it mattered. Rob Gronkowski vanished (5pts) as Aaron Hernandez lit up the Broncos, Ray Rice couldn't get going against the Chargers (10pts) and Michael Turner only did what he was projected to do (12pts). Worse was Chris's choice of QB's, going with Andy Dalton instead of Ryan Fitzpatrick. Dalton limped in with 6pts while the Harvard man sat on the Drank bench with 22pts, not that it would have mattered but it would have lessened the brutality on the scoreboard.

As for The People's Champ, your defending HBFFL champ, all we needed was two of our stars throwing goddamn grizzly bears into deep space to beat Purple Drank's whole starting roster. Megatron lived up to his reputation as the leader of the Decepticons by torching the Raiders for 40 absoludicrous points and Shady McCoy racked up an insane 32-point day against the Jets. 72 points from just two players... a prime example of what we've been saying all year: Renal Failure is the HBFFL's most dangerous team. Why don't owners believe us when we say that (aside from LOBO who has been on the trolley for weeks)? With Tony Romo's 29-point Saturday night, this game was pretty much over by the 8:30 Saturday night game between the Ravens and Chargers.


When you have the best record in the league and then get blown out in the first round of the playoffs, it kind of feels like this...

135 points for the People's Champ, and with not a lot of help from some of our regulars either seeing how 72 of those are Megatron and Shady's. CJ2K disappointed, as usual, with a mere 10 points while Marshawn Lynch and Ryan Mathews rocked 16 and 22 points respectively on the People's Bench. We're getting to the point where we're winning despite of Chris Johnson, like we're handicapping ourselves just to see if we can get away with it. Brandon Lloyd didn't have fun with the Bengals, getting only 4 points. Even Billy Fucking Cundiff had a boring 2-point day. We need these guys to turn up their games if we're going to take win in Week 16 and become the HBFFL's first repeat champions.

(Yeah, all y'all teams wish you had taken me up on my earlier trade offers for Lynch and Mathews now, don't ya? Now look at you! Not in the championship game. What? Yeah! Thought so.)

And who is standing in the way of the People's and Defending Champion in Humor Bowl IV? LOBO and his Predator Press again! He barely clawed past the Bourbon Blasters (thanks to the San Francisco Defense and Joe's big point-scorers languishing on his bench), and now we have a rematch of last year's Humor Bowl III, the first time ever in the HBFFL for that. Last year, both teams cranked the knobs to 11 to make the playoffs, and while Renal Failure had to do that again this season to get in, LOBO was the front-runner for most the season and coasted into the playoffs with the 2nd-best record in the league. Does he have the same hunger, the same drive, the same desperation that he had last year? Hardly, considering he left in Mike Williams as his wide receiver this past week (no points). That decision almost cost him vs. the Bourbon Blasters.


Ines Sainz, patron saint of Tight Denim Victory, the People pray to you to grant Renal Failure another glorious HBFFL title, seeing how we finished dead last in the FTWL this year...

LOBO has Arian Foster with an awesomely-good matchup vs. the lowly Colts. Matty Stafford will be throwing the rock a lot against San Diego, unfortunately it will mostly be to Renal Failure's Calvin "Megatron" Johnson). LOBO could start a gimpy Ben Roethlisberger vs. St. Louis, but Big Ben's health seems too big a risk to gamble on. Jermichael Finley has a shot of getting thrown to more with Greg Jennings still injured and Aaron Rodgers being embarrassed by the Chiefs this past week. Michael Bush might have to contend with a returning Darren McFadden for touches vs. Kansas City. At the wide-out position, LOBO will be hoping for surprising days from Nate Washington and Julio Jones.

But LOBO is facing the team he fears most...

Renal Failure is stacked to dominate in this championship game. Big numbers are abound in the Philly/Dallas game as both defenses suck. If Andy Reid can remember the simple equation of "Giving the ball a lot to Shady McCoy = better chance of winning" then that will force Tony Romo to toss the ball often, sometimes to Jason Witten who will not be covered by the Eagles' high-priced cornerbacks. Chris Johnson will be given the chance to redeem himself for this entire season with a juicy matchup against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Megatron is Megatron and will handle himself. Brandon Lloyd will likely have a chance to put up big points in garbage time vs. the Steelers. And Billy Fucking Cundiff is still Billy Fucking Cundiff.


We've revved up the HBFFL Fantasy Football Battle Simulator again. LOBO is represented by the redhead with the rocket boots, Renal Failure is represented by the blonde woman without pants...

The projected score of Humor Bowl IV is 105-97 in favor of... YOUR PEOPLE'S CHAMPION RENAL FAILURE! Funny... last year Yahoo! had LOBO projected as the winner. Seems like this is yet another trend Renal Failure will be breaking this year. We've already defied the universe by making the playoffs. Now let's go the full nine, deny last year's runner-up the crown, and repeat as HBFFL champions. The People enjoy their champion being the actual champion and wish it to remain that way for another year.

Week 16: The Greatest Week in Fantasy Football. Unless you're in one of them weird leagues that don't do their championship game until Week 17.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Our reputation precedes us, as does that court order saying don't be within 200 feet of an elementary school.

Week 9: Renal Failure gave you a name... and then he walked away

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





Starting the 2nd half of the HBFFL season as only Renal Failure can...

Week 8 saw HBFFL rookie nonamedufus and his NoNames come into the People's House, expecting to keep on their winning ways. Instead they witnessed firsthand why Renal Failure is the People's Champion, the Defending Champion, the Wild Card of Fantasy Football, and the most dangerous team in the HBFFL. It's a lesson every team eventually learns, some sooner than others, some less harshly than the 124-63 beatdown handed down by the People's Champ.

Granted, Nonames was without Aaron Rodgers because of a bye week, but the margin of victory suggests he wouldn't have been much of a factor anyway. His biggest performer was the Buffalo defense, outscoring backup QB Matt Cassel 15 to 13. Everyone else in the starting lineup had single-digit days. Larry Fitzgerald got smothered by the Ravens. Hakeem Nicks left the Giants/Dolphins game with an injury, and the league's top TE Jimmy Graham had an bad day against the Rams (as did the rest of the Saints). The HBFFL's second highest-scoring team had a power outage, like many homes in the northeast after the freak October snowstorm this past weekend.


It was bad news for the top three teams of the HBFFL in Week 8...

LeSean McCoy and Megatron blew up for big bear-in-orbit points this week (36 and 25 respectively), covering up the dismal performances and CJ2K (4pts), Jason Witten (2pts), and Tony Romo (14pts). Brandon Lloyd returned to his 2010 form with a decent day against the Saints (11pts). Our choice in the Cincinnati defense paid off huge (20pts), and Billy Fucking Cundiff remains Billy Fucking Cundiff (12pts).

CJ2K continues to severely underperform, but he's CJ2K. The man knows how to throw a bear into space. He's proven it many times since the HBFFL came into being. We're not going to say he's due for a 40-point game, but he's healthy, he's young, and he's got far too much talent to wallow in the low numbers he's put up so far. This cannot last, because if it does we're going to be forced to question these so-called laws of physics and nature. A universe where DeMarco Murray is scoring more points than CJ2K is a universe gone completely tits-up bonkers. What kind of deity would allow such madness to exist?


The existence of Tim Tebow is the 2nd strongest indictment against the viability of college football as an actual sport, next to the BCS system. That Tim Tebow actually starts in the NFL is compelling evidence that either there is no God or that God is a cruel and malevolent asshole who likes fucking with people and thus is unworthy of your devotion.

Week 9 sees Predator Press return for a rematch of the 2010 HBFFL championship game. Renal Failure will be without mighty Megatron, leaving us to play Sidney Rice. Since Seattle always plays from behind there's a decent chance he'll get some good numbers. Not Megatron numbers, but decent ones nonetheless. LOBO will hope to have Darren McFadden in his lineup to complement the healthy Arian Foster for the monstrous one-two RB punch Renal Failure wanted to have with Shady McCoy and CJ2K. Tony Romo has a better match up than Ben Roethlisberger, but in the end it may come down to a battle of tight ends, Jason Witten vs. Jermichael Finley. And if they tie, then we're winning with Billy Fucking Cundiff.

As of Wednesday, Yahoo! projects a 98-95 victory for LOBO, and that doesn't bode well for your People's Champion. Only once this season has Renal Failure been projected to lose, and they did so against Unfinished Rambler or Person or whatever he's going with these days. But if Renal Failure wants to defy the ghosts of HBFFL past dictating that the previous year's champion misses the playoffs, they'll have to break some trends. But that's why they call us The Wild Card (bitches!), because anything is possible when Renal Failure steps onto the field of battle.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. When life gets you down, take pride that you are not Tim Tebow. Or Philip Rivers. Or Michael Vick's pet bird. It helps put things in perspective, and makes you put down that straight razor.

I drink your Purple Drank! I DRINK IT UP!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure






"Ta-da! Your perfect season... it's gone!"

As Chris so correctly and dutifully reminded us in the comments of our last post, he had a four-game winning streak against Renal Failure going into Week 4 of the 2011 season. Emphasis on "had" because the People's Champion has finally wrought revenge on Chris with a decisive 137-76 victory over the highest scoring team in the HBFFL, thus ruining his perfect season and knocking him out of first place.

Revenge is a dish best served cold... and it is very cold in space... where the bears are thrown...

Admittedly, Purple Drank had a very off week compared to their hot start. Matt Schaub put up an anemic ten points, the Rob Gronkowski gravy train ran out, only trickling a single point vs. Oakland, and Mike Wallace and Stevie Johnson underperformed. Even with 11-points, Alex Henery disappointed because he missed two easily-makeable field goals for the Eagles. Only the RB's Ray Rice and Michael Turner turned in notable days for Chris's Purple Drank.


And how does a 61-point loss to Renal Failure feel like? That bad, huh?

The Renal Roster finally got clicking this week, reminding this forgetful league of why Renal Failure is the HBFFL's most dangerous team. Johnson & Johnson lit it up, with CJ2K finally getting into the swing of things with a servicable 16-point day while Megatron just keeps jumping in the end zone and pulling down passes week after damn week (21 points). Tony Romo worked through his broken ribs to give us a big 27-point performance. Brandon Lloyd finally got involved in the Broncos offense, showing everyone why he was first in the league in receiving yards last year with a delicious 18 points. Jason Witten continues to dominate the tight end position with 15 points. Even the New York Jets defense got into the spirit of whooping up on Chris with a 20-point day of their own, assisted by Billy Cundiff's 10-spot. LeSean McCoy had an off-day with only 10-points, but after Ronnie Brown's Wildcat abortion at the goal line we have a feeling Shady is going to be getting a lot more red zone chances.


The Joker... Mortal Kombat... see, it's all circular, man. We bring that shit around...

So with Chris's loss, LOBO inexplicably rises the top of the HBFFL standings at 4-0. But LOBO has little time to enjoy the view, as a dangerous trio of teams sit at 3-1 ready to pounce: Purple Drank, Bourbon Blasters, and Renal Failure. And you can't forget about teams like Bald Spots and NoNames sitting at 2-2, hungry for a chance to move up in the standings and make a name for themselves. And it's not over for What the Canuck?, Future Ex-Cons and The Un-Ramblers yet, because as LOBO and Renal Failure proved last year you can easily turn a shitty first half of your season around, get hot for the playoffs, and make it to the championship. Multiple Scorgams at 0-4... uh... oh, well you look very pretty in that hat.

We now enter the tricky part of the Fantasy Football year, when most teams start having bye weeks and we see just how managers adjust to not having their usual whole starting cast available, especially if injuries have hit their lineups already. We'll have our Week 5 preview vs. The Un-Ramblers later this week. Until then, stay thirsty my friends, and lay off the Purple Drank.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Renal Failure is also an original member of the HBFFL and the band Survivor, but quit the band in disgust when they wouldn't go with his "Eye of the Mongoose" song idea.

Week 2: Welcome to Cybertron!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure




Who's that blasting holes through robots? It's the newest member of the Renal Failure roster, fools!

Over the past two seasons, Renal Failure has been known to pull off a major trade that gives them a boost into the championship game. This season, your People's Champion pulled off that trade way earlier than usual.

Renal Failure acquired Calvin "Megatron" Johnson from Canucklehead, along with RB Ryan Mathews in exchange for QB Mark Sanchez, RB Fred Jackson, and the New York Giants Defense. And Megatron paid immediate dividends with a 14-point day to help give Renal Failure a 109-88 victory over HBFFL newcomers Multiple Scorgasm.


Losing to Renal Failure is a painful experience, but it's like an HBFFL rite of passage...

Things weren't all tits and beer for your People's Champion. Brandon Lloyd was a last minute scratch in the 4pm game, and Chris Johnson is still working off the rust from his holdout. Hell, we even expected more than Kicker Billy Cundiff's decent 7 points because he's Billy Fucking Cundiff, that's why.

However, the things that were tits and beer were really nice. Tony Romo made a triumphant comeback after breaking a rib and possibly collapsing a lung to put up 32 big points at the QB slot, Jason Witten continues to steadily produce at the TE position, and LeSean McCoy has established himself as a major fantasy force with being the top scoring running back in the league after two weeks. Sure Fred Jackson is the second-leading scorer and we shipped him off to What the Canuck? but he was just going to waste those points on our bench behind CJohnson and Shady McCoy. Besides, he got us Megatron, and that will bring us some stability at the always volatile WR position.


Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory smiles on Renal Failure yet again...

Week Three sees another HBFFL newcomer Troi and his Future Ex-Cons step into the People's Arena to taste for themselves what every other team in the HBFFL has sampled: the fierce flavor of defeat by Renal Failure.

Note: Chris needs to trade us Stevie Johnson so Renal Failure can have a trio of Johnsons, which will lend itself to plenty of jokes in future posts.

We Miss Tom Brady

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure






The inventor of throwing bears into space... who if he was on our team would have greatly mitigated Wes Welker's big day against us...

Your Champion Renal Failure no longer has the pressure of trying to go undefeated this season, as they dropped their first game of the season to the Bourbon Blasters 122-106.

Much of Joe's victory can be attributed to Drew Brees' 37-point and Wes Welker's 35-point bear-in-orbit days, supplemented by Beanie Wells' 16-points. The day could have been worse if Steven Jackson didn't hurt himself after the first carry in his game vs. the Eagles.

Renal Failure's day was highlighted by LeSean McCoy's 32-point bear, supplemented by decent days by Tony Romo (27 points) and Jason Witten (16 points, which is really good for a TE). Even Billy Cundiff beat his projected score with a 9-point day. But the other members of the Renal Roster didn't show up. Chris Johnson was working off the rust of holding out for all of training camp with a paltry 6 points. Mario Manningham only managed 4. We also expected more out top-scoring WR of 2011 Brandon Lloyd, who got a decent 8 points before leaving with an injury.


Okay, he had a bad Week One, but he'll be gold when Week 14 rolls around... and hopefully we'll be in the playoffs so it will matter...

So your People's Champ didn't start off the year so well. Not a problem. We didn't start off last year too well either (going 2-5) and we turned it around to not only make the playoffs but win the championship. We put up 106 points, which would have beaten 6 out of the 9 teams in the HBFFL who aren't Renal Failure, so there's a good scoring foundation on this team. Romo is no Brady, but he's serviceable. Witten has us solid at the TE position. The RB corps is solid. All right, so we have some WR scoring issues, but that's a perennial issue for us and we usually fix it either through the waiver wire or trades. The season's not a wash... yet.


Losing still hurts... no matter how much we tell ourselves otherwise...

We get another shot at Joe and his Bourbon Blasters in Week 10, and Renal Failure is known for dominating revenge games (except for ones against Chris, but we'll fix that). But we'll worry about in nine weeks. For Week Two we get Multiple Scorgasms, headed by HBFFL newbie Mark. We need to welcome him to the HBFFL in the most HBFFL way possible: with a savage beatdown from the most dangerous franchise of the HBFFL, better known as Renal Failure.