Many immolated themselves. Many jumped from tall buildings. Many immolated themselves, then jumped from tall buildings.
-LOBO was ultimately defeated in 2013.
I would first like to take a magnanimous, sportsmanly moment to congratulate the Future Ex-Cons' stinky-faced poo-poo head manager KAHN (if in fact that is his real name). And now that I've got that over with, I want to attach my lengthy list of people that should be blamed for this utter travesty:
#1) Adrian Peterson
In fantasy sports, “Never Sit Your Superstars” is a general rule. Especially when they are injured, listed as “Questionable,” facing the team yielding the least amount of points to running backs in the entire NFL, and in a fairly inconsequential game.
Do you have some kind of problem with rules, Mister Peterson? And what kind of name is “Adrian” anyway? Is that French?
#2) Pope Francis
Tied up with busywork like “World Peace,” and “Poverty” and crap, Pope Francis never once answered my calls.
-In fact every time I called the Vatican, all they did was mock me, babbling in some incomprehensible foreign language they totally made up.
#3) Al Gore
For creating the Internet: a media substrate that made me look like a fantasy football fumbledork asshat in front of all Humankind and Renal Failure last week.
#4) Rebecca Black
Instead of poring over football statistics, I probably listened to this song waaaaaay too much.
-If she weren't the 21st Century version of the Beatles, I would probably be inconsolable right now.
#5) Unfinished Rambler
Who I owe a really nice trade, and dropped out of The League this year -thus bringing me incalculable Bad Karma.
(I'm "on" to your plan, Bryan.)
#6) Hurricane Katrina
I don't know how KAHN got President George W. Bush Junior on his side, but I am demanding a full investigation of their relationship.
***
This list could go on and on and on and on and on, but it's really hard to type or say the word "on" with a revolver in your mouth. Plus I need to start mock drafting for next year. So in closing, I am thinking about putting a podcast studio together, possibly replete with a streaming recordable Skype function.
-Anyone interested in doing live trash talk in 2014?
Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.
As I had the highest score of any team in the league this season with 155 this week, and again I FUCKING ROCK (yawwwwn), I turn my attention in particular to two losers: Troi with his Future Ex-Cons squad and LOBO with his Predator Press squad.
Both lost and it should be no surprise as they didn't even take players off their starting lineup that they should have taken off and replaced them with players...well, players who actually PLAYED.
It is especially evident with Troi, who still had LeSean McCoy in his starting lineup, even though McCoy was out with a concussion. Troi lost by a mere three points, 80-77, to Delusion of Adequacy. Put ANYONE in there for Odin's sake and you would have won.
As for LOBO, the defending HBFFL champion (seemingly in name only, not in reality) he still had Darren McFadden in his starting lineup and worse yet, Titus Young still on his roster. Go pick up ANYONE for even Baldur's sake off the waiver wire. Give yourself a fighting chance.
Except Bryan didn't say anything this week. Maybe Unfinished Person is just being modest. And probably proud of it. Or maybe he feels he did enough talking on the field last week and needn't rub it in here on the blog.
You see Unfinished Person crushed your no-way we could win nonames last week in what must have been the biggest blow out of the season 141-75. UP remains in 1st spot. Our nonames slip to 6th.
It all started out well enough. At the end of the first series of games Sunday we were tied 47-47. But not for long. NE TE Gronkowski racked up 30 fantasy points. Dal WR Dez Bryant pulled in 25 and his NE Def achieved 27.
The highest scorer for nonames was TB RB Doug Martin with 19. GB QB Mr Rodgers, with a projected 35 could only muster 17 points. It was not a good week.
While Mr. Rodgers had a bye week, your nimble nonames bench QB Ben Roethlisberger stepped in and went on what may be a permanent bye. In a team win over Kansas City Big Ben racked up all of 9 fantasy points before racking up his shoulder and leaving Monday night's game.
Up until that point Obi Ben Kanobi was my only hope.
But it wasn't meant to be and my no-win nonames went down in flames to Bourbon Blasters who decidely won our match 119-82. Good on ya BB.
My good news? The nonames Denver D pulled in 25 fantasy points.
My bad news? Pretty much everything else.
NYG WR Victor Cruz phoned in his 2 fantasy points along with Miami RB Reggie Bush's measly 1 point.
My secret weapon, TB righteous bulldozer RB Doug Martin (R2 B2), pissed off at his Muscle Hamster nickname, scraped up 11 points. That's quite a fall from last week's 62 points.
Cincinnati WR A.J. Green pulled in a respectable 16.
But in the end it just wasn't enough.
Nevertheless my nifty nonames remain in 4th spot and fresh from a crushing defeat of Unfinished Person over in the FTWL (where we moved into 3rd spot) last week, look forward to taking him on in the HBFFL this week. He's #1, you know. Maybe we can do something about that.
Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.
All it takes is one mistake.
Sometimes it comes on the front end; sometimes on the back end. For me, my error happened on the front end, but just as easily could have been on the back end.
It all began Thursday night. I had just gotten out of work. It was 8:15 p.m. and I wasn't thinking. I had a cold.
If ONLY paramedics had come to my house, maybe they could have saved me from my fate.
But alas they didn't and by 8:20, I already had lost this week's HBFFL game to Joe O's Bourbon Blasters; only the score had to be determined. That score would be 119 to 117. I left Seattle wide receiver Sidney Rice in at flex when I should have switched him out for one of three players: St. Louis running back Steven Jackson, New Orleans running back Darren Sproles or Oakland wide receiver Denarius Moore.
Rice only scored three fantasy points while Jackson and Sproles each scored 11, and Moore, 9.
I had forgotten a cardinal rule of fantasy football: recheck your lineup before Thursday night's game to see if there are any changes that need to be made. With Rice going up against the San Francisco defense, that is a change that definitely should have been made. To be honest, I probably would have gone with Moore, because I haven't been getting much from Jackson or Sproles and Moore has been on a roll.
But I didn't and for my transgression I paid heavily.
In the other league in which I play I made my crucial switch on the back end, only an hour and half before the start of Sunday afternoon's games, as I dropped San Francisco quarterback Alex Smith for Tampa Bay QB Josh Freeman and then put Freeman in over Detroit QB Matthew Stafford. It paid off with Freeman rolling with 38 points; Stafford had 17.
I won there 100 to 69. I just as easily could have lost as I did here in the HBFFL.
I looked yesterday to see if Freeman was available in the HBFFL. He was.
No, not that Green. I've about given up on them. MVP Quarterback and all that hype. I'm talkin' about my man A.J.
This one's for you dufus.
The Cincinnati WR racked up 32 fantasy points for me last week a little more than the 10 he was projected to obtain.
Oh and I was playing the very modest and quiet spoken Renal Failure in Week 3. Who won? The nonames 84-68. Stick that up your skinny ass People's Champion and blow it! But I should thank you too. After playing you I'm finally on the positive side of the ledger with a win and a record of 1-2-0. Same as you dude. There are four of us carrying this record after week 3. I like to think we're all tied for 6th spot. Like to. But after points for/against are factored in looks like I'm in 9th spot.
By the way, kudos to Unfinished Person who after three weeks has a perfect record in 1st spot. Well, done. Now start losing, will ya!
Speaking of losing my beloved Packers have the same record as I do. 1-2-0 after their controversial loss to the Seahawks. And Monday night Evelyn, my dear MVP Quarterback and his 12 measly fantasy points, the victim of 8 sacks in the first half, spent more time on his back than those watchya call 'em? Ladies of the evening is it?
At least I didn't have to pay Rodgers. Although, I guess I am paying for it. (See what I did there.)
Oh well, onward and upward. Upward especially eh Evelyn?
Here we are, 2012. The fifth season of the HBFFL. Apparently the proper gift for a five year anniversary is wood. Really? Lame. Gift cards to Applebee's would seem more in order. Anyways...
So what can we expect from some of the owners of the league in 2012?
~Renal Failure will regal us with many 1v1 fighting videogame finishing move videos.
~Unfinished Person will use technology from a by-gone era to "watch" football games.
~What the Canuck will be using his Twittens to make lineup changes on his cell phone because in Canada it gets really cold by week two of the NFL season.
~NoNames also lives in Canada, but will have his access to Twittens restricted after beating up on What The Canuck in Week Six.
~Predator Press will set his lineup, re-set, re-set again, and then re-set again his lineup based on fantasy projections, as they change day by day.
~Bourbon Blasters will go rogue, return to cross dressing, and let his wife take over the team.
Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.
If I had the chance to do it again, the only thing I would have done differently this week in my matchup against What the Canuck?, which I won 102-57, would have been to play Brent Celek instead of Owen Daniels.
Celek had 26 fantasy points to Daniels' 3.
That way I could have crushed What The Canuck? by an even larger margin, 125-57.
And even though Tim Tebow didn't lead the Broncos to a win over the Patriots, he (and Jesus?) still led me to the win here.
Next week the angel Moroni leads me to the fifth place consolation crown.
Some things seem like a good idea at the time... like benching LeSean McCoy...
Renal Failure once again defies all odds, and reason, and laws of physics by becoming the first HBFFL team to make the playoffs the year after winning a championship, breaking the defending champion curse by way of a nail-biting 94-92 victory over Unfinished Person. Going into Monday night, UP was up 92-64, but we still had Marshawn Lynch and Brandon Lloyd left to play. Beast Mode scored 22, Brandon Lloyd got 8, sealing the win for your People's Champion in what has to be the grandest comeback in HBFFL history.
WILD CARD, BITCHES! 4-2-1 in the 2nd half of the season! Another strong finish for Renal Failure. Only the Bourbon Blasters had a better 2nd half record than your People's Champ.
But in all honesty there's not much to feel good about with this win. UP lost DeMarco Murray early in the Dallas/New York game and Greg Jennings got injured in his game vs. Oakland in the third. You might say they left their games "unfinished." However, UP got huge days from MJD (37 points) and Marques Colston (27 points) so it's not like UP was starving for points, though he wished Michael Vick put up more of a fight than 12 points.
Nonamedufus sees that his Week 14 win over Multiple Scorgasms was for naught...
Your People's Champ almost pulled what Chris did last week: The Self-Inflicted Lineup Screw Job. See, we looked at the matchups for Week 14 and saw that Marshawn Lynch was playing against the weakest run defense in the NFL and thought "Hey, this might be a good week to start this guy. And he's been throwing up big bear-in-space points lately." That meant making a choice between benching Shady McCoy or Chris Johnson. Shady was up against a tough Dolphins run defense, CJ2K was at home vs. a Saints defense that doesn't scare anyone. CJ2K was projected for 16 and had been on a roll lately, McCoy was only projected for 12 and the Eagles were getting back Vick who can run the ball into the end zone himself with ease, so we trusted the numbers and benched McCoy. And it was true that McCoy had trouble gaining yards vs. the Dolphins, but he also got two touchdowns. CJ2K had just as much trouble vs. the Saints and had no scores.
Hey, we started the season with CJ2K screwing us over, that's how we were going out!
So yes, in retrospect we can clearly see how placing our entire season's hopes and dreams on a Rams/Seahawks game wasn't really the intelligent play we originally thought it would be. And as we went into Monday night your People's Champ had just about resigned ourselves to the notion that we had hara-kiried our season by trying to be oh so fucking clever. Not that the rest of the Renal regulars did much of anything to help. Mighty Megatron (3pts) and Jason Witten (1pts) were outscored by Billy Fucking Cundiff (6pts). Only Tony Romo's ridiculous 39-point day was keeping things competitive. But our gut feeling paid off, and Beast Mode and Brandon Lloyd came through for the People, returning Renal Failure to the playoffs with a marginally better record than last year (8-5-1 in 2011, 8-6 in 2010). And we're super glad we got that tie vs. Multiple Scorgasms because we would have lost the tiebreaker with NoNames.
Just when you think you have Renal Failure beat, they get 30 points on Monday night and hit you with a mid-air RKO/Diamond Cutter...
So... opening round of the playoffs... and look who's waiting for us: Chris and his Purple Drank. What do we know about Purple Drank? We know we've beaten them twice this season. We know he's solid at RB with Ray Rice and Michael Turner. We know he's got the top TE in the league with Rob Gronkowski. But we also know his QB situation is dire with Andy Dalton and Ryan Fitzpatrick being 13th and 14th in QB scoring.
But what do you know about Renal Failure? Did you know LeSean McCoy was the highest-scoring RB in the HBFFL? Did you know that Marshawn Lynch is 6th and has been sitting on the Renal bench for most of the season alongside the 10th-leading rusher Ryan Mathews (hey, we wanted to make some deals but no one wanted to play Let's Make a Deal with Renal Failure)? Did you know Megatron was 2nd in the league in WR points, or that Tony Romo is 8th in QB points, or that Jason Witten was one of only four tight ends this season to break 100 points? Did you know that CJ2K sucked ass for most of the season, only getting double digit points in six out of 14 games and still is the 12th-highest scoring RB in the HBFFL?
Well, now you know and knowing is half the battle!
The other half of the battle? Not losing your goddamn mind...
Yahoo! is projecting a 103-92 victory for... RENAL FAILURE? Against the 10-4 Purple Drank? How can this be? Well, CJ2K is running against the winless-for-a-reason Colts, Shady McCoy will be running on a Jets defense that is weak on the ground, Megatron will be snagging down touchdowns vs. the Raiders, and Tony Romo will be throwing all day vs. the Buccaneers because that makes more sense than handing the ball to Felix Jones. Sure, Chris has a good matchup with Ray Rice running roughshod over the Chargers and Rob Gronkowski going up against the inexplicable Broncos, but as stated before he still has Andy Dalton and Ryan Fitzpatrick as his QB's. That has to make Chris feel a bit queasy, pinning his playoff hopes on them.
The only trend Chris has going for him is that he's 1-0 in playoff games vs. Renal Failure. But as Week 14 showed, Renal Failure breaks trends. And wins games.
Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We finished dead last in the FTWL and lost our opening playoff game this week in our third league. Playoffs in our fourth league don't start until Week 16 but we've already clinched a spot. Three playoff berths in four leagues... not too shabby.
Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.
Last week prior to my matchup with him, Renal Failure asked me if I was this brutal.
Even though he might not have known it then, my wife and I don't have children (by choice)...
...so the answer, before I even faced him, was HELL NO.
But when you think about it, that's pretty sad. Renal Failure probably could take at least 30 Justin Biebers in a fight, spit them out for breakfast and then eat them again for lunch. Dinner? Forget it. He'd devour a posse of Jonas Brothers and Jonas Brothers wanna- bes without blinking an eye.
I was flinchingly unbrutal in my contest against RF this past weekend as my players let injuries get the best of them.
Sunday afternoon, Greg Jennings sprained his left knee in the third quarter of his Packers' game against the Raiders.
Then Sunday night, DeMarco Murray suffered a broken right ankle in the first quarter of his Cowboys' game against the Giants.
Instead of playing through their injuries and propelling me to an upset win over RF to keep the People's Defending Champion *spitting* out of the playoffs, they left their respective games...
....but not respectably as each only scored TWO fantasy points.
I told our league's commissioner, Chris Cameron, that I wouldn't use this word in this post. However, after both Jennings and Murray let me down to a 94-92 loss to RF, I'm going to say it:
No "Boom! Headshot!' for Chris this week... your People's Champ was just too quick.
Renal Failure sweeps the regular season series vs. Chris with a 99-97 victory over Purple Drank. CJ2K has peaked at the right time with a huge 34-point day, complemented by LeSean McCoy's 24-point effort vs. Seattle (an effort dwarfed by Marshawn Lynch's 33pts sitting on my bench... bet all you team wish you had taken me up on my BEAST MODE trade offers now, honkeys!)
Other than that, the starting Renal Roster came up small. Tony Romo was one yard away from the 300-yard bonus (18pts), Jason Witten did not see the end zone (4pts) and neither did Brandon Lloyd (3pts) or Megatron (7pts). Houston's D hasn't been panning out like we hoped (4pts) and even Billy Fucking Cundiff disappointed (6pts). On the Renal Bench, Michael Crabtree outscored both Lloyd and Megatron (17pts). Even Carson Palmer had a better day at QB (21pts). So did the NY Jets Defense (8pts). Few things hurt a Fantasy Football owner more than leaving points on the bench.
Chris don't know the sort of pain Renal Failure knows...
Chris might have outfoxed himself out of a win this week, benching normal starter Michael Turner for Lagarrette Blount. Turner ground out 4pts, Blount only managed a singular point. Usual-starter Stevie Johnson sat on the Purple Drank bench with 11pts while Chris went with Laurent Robinson who only got 7pts. If Chris doesn't tinker with his normal lineup, he wins Week 14 against the People's Champion.
Not that Chris didn't have a good week. Rob Gronkowski rocked a 3TD 24-point day, which is absurd for tight ends. Ray Rice marched up 32-points against a tough Cleveland defense. Mike Wallace got a solid 15-points against the Bengals. Unfortunately, no one else on the Purple Drank roster had good days. On top of Blount's singular point, Andy Dalton had a weak 10-point day. Even kicker Alex Henery had a sad with only two points.
To conclude Week 13: both teams had players throwing bears into orbit, cancelling each other out. Ultimate victory came down to scores of the non-bear-throwing teammates.
Renal Failure has a simple strategy for victory, and that's why we're the HBFFL's most dangerous franchise...
The last game of the regular season sees Unfinished Person returning to give us an opportunity to avenge our Week 5 loss. Unfinished Person gets Michael Vick back, though Miami has been playing tough defense and the only Philadelphia Eagle worth a shit lately has been Renal Failure's Shady McCoy as Desean Jackson has lost interest in the season. Greg Jennings is still a danger since Aaron Rodgers throws him the rock, MJD is MJD, and DeMarco Murray has been a decent pick-up (we know because we have him in other leagues bringing us good numbers).
Too bad for Unfinished Person that Renal Failure has caught fire in the second half of the season, as usual. Along with Shady McCoy's usual top tier performance against anyone he plays, Tony Romo and Jason Witten will be in an NFC East shootout for first place vs. the Giants. Megatron will be pulling down passes all day against a Minnesota defense that let Tim Tebow run up 35 points on them. Brandon Lloyd should be all right vs. Seattle. And as always, Billy Fucking Cundiff is Billy Fucking Cundiff.
You know shit's gotten real when we invoke the power of Ines Sainz, our Lady of Tight Denim Victory. May her hotness bring us a playoff berth and another championship...
As of this posting, Yahoo! is projecting a 106-85 victory for your People's Champ. We like our odds considering this is a revenge game for Renal Failure, and no one does revenge like we do. Plus a victory clinches the final playoff spot, breaking the vicious HBFFL cycle of champions not making the playoffs the year after winning it all. UP would like to be a spoiler, but we just don't think he's bhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifrutal enough to do so. You need a cold heart to properly enjoy ending a team's playoff hopes, a vicious brutality that makes people look at you and slowly back away with abject horror. Are you that brutal, Unfinished Person? Maybe, considering you're starting Michael Vick.
Brutality is our speciality. Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to ruin the dreams of every person you meet...
Speaking of playoffs, here's what the playoff picture looks like in this last week of the HBFFL regular season.
Multiple Scorgams, Bald Spots, What the Canuck?, Future Ex-Cons, and Unfinished Person have been eliminated from playoff contention, but if Bald Spots beats Canuck by more than 15 points Bald Spots gets into the consolation playoffs to compete for fifth place vs. Ex-Cons, UP, and whoever misses the actual playoffs (more on that below). Canuck would get 9th place.
Predator Press and Purple Drank have clinched playoff spots. A PredPress win clinches them the first seed. A PredPress loss and a Purple Drank win ties them for first, with Purple Drank currently ahead in the Points For tiebreaker by 67 points.
Bourbon Blasters clinch with a win or with a loss and both Renal Failure and NoNames losing as well.
Renal Failure clinches with a win or with a loss coupled by a loss or tie by NoNames.
NoNames can clinch one of two ways: easy and hard. The easy way is to win their game vs. Multiple Scorgasms and for Renal Failure to lose vs. Unfinished Person. The hard way is winning vs. Multiple Scorgasms, Renal Failure winning, and Bourbon Blasters losing. That sends Bourbon Blasters and NoNames to the tie breaker where Bourbon Blasters currently have a 44-point edge in the tie-breaker.
So yeah, the postseason picture is a lot simpler this year, but no less exciting. And your People's Champion is ready to defend their title in the playoffs because that's what the People demand.
Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We've made the playoffs in two of the other leagues we're playing in this year, but not in the FTWL where our season had crashed and burned four weeks ago.
Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.
I coulda been a contender...
...for this year's playoffs except for two things:
Me ignoring the Thursday night rule.
Chris ignoring the APYS (Always Play Your Stud) rule.
When you have a Thursday night game, make sure you get the wrong quarterback out of your lineup and the right one in.
For me, the wrong one:
I should have known not to play a dude with a lame-ass goatee.
And the right one:
original photo courtesy of Open Sports via Flickr, with a little adaptation by me
Nine points for Vincey Young vs. 22 points for Timmy Tebow. I coulda, woulda, shoulda won 83-81 over What The Canuck? Not lost 81-70 as I didda.
Now Chris' mistake wasn't as large a point mistake as mine, but it was just as crucial as it allowed Renal Failure, the self-proclaimed People's Defending Champion, to win 99-97 over Chris' Purple Drank squad and not help my playoff chances as a result. Chris played this guy:
Hell, I'd play the guy based on this photo.
Instead of this guy:
photo courtesy of The Suss-Man via Flickr
Dude is so quick. He's a blur.
LeGarrette Blount only scored one point to Michael Turner's four points, but as even a fifth grader can tell you, four is more than one and in this case would have given Chris the one-point victory over RF, 100-99. Plus you never sit your studs.
Not sure how to find a stud...or even your studfinder? How about this?
There's just something about symmetry that is so soothing. It's like coming full circle. It adds balance and appropriate proportion to one's life...and usually to one's game. You know, like from Rocky Horror Picture Show: "Don't dream it, be it"? Well, no more will the nonames set their sites on symmetry. Why? Because the nonames had a disastrous week because of symmetry. And how did I react to the resulting loss to Unfinished Person?
Exactly!
Now Unfinished Person's a wonderful guy. Top shelf kinda fellow. (Heh, little library joke there.) In fact, he reached out to me in the pre-season and recommended me as a participant in this fantasy league. Probably because he wanted someone to beat. Well, this weekend that prophecy came true as he squeezed out a 72-68 victory over us.
My troubles started Thursday night when, after scoring 1 point, Jet's Shonn Greene was yanked from the game after suffering a 1st quarter injury. He'd been projected to provide 12 fantasy points.
Then, after a sub-par 28 point performance that Mr. Rodgers phoned in, I was still in good shape to face down Unfinished Person's New England Kicker Stephen Gostkowki Monday night with my NE WR Deion Branch. I was confident his projected 8 points would be more than enough to stomp over Unfinished Person and secure a spot in the playoffs.
Now here's where the frakin' symmetry bit my ass. Branch suffered an injury early in the game and was pulled with...you guessed it: 1 point.
Even the Belichick "mind-meld" couldn't
return Branch to the game.
Just to go back to Mr. Rodgers for a moment, he fell one yard shy of a 5-point bonus 300 passing yards. 5 points. What was the margin of UP's win? 4 points. Damn.
Oh hell yes, mofo.
Looking to Week 12 Mr. Rodgers is sure to have a beautiful day in the Detroit neighbourhood Thursday, for which I'll be giving thanks. And our kooky Canadian strategy of having Nickelback play at half time is sure to upset Detroit's defence. After all, how offensive can you get?
So, we'll regroup after 2 losses in a row, consider this week's match-up with the Bourbon Blasters, tied with me for fourth - I'm technically 5th but tied for fourth sounds so much better - and rethink our dedication to symmetry.
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