We told you Tom Brady lives for revenge

by Renal Failure


That guy had a better week than Team Krapsody.

The People's Champion known as Renal Failure is on a roll, winning our third straight game with a 124-77 drubbing of Team Krapsody. True, Static neglected to swap out injured Joseph Addai and bye week Antonio Gates and Garrett Hartley, but the 47-point margin of victory was far greater than his Marion Barber (4pts) and Greg Olson (5pts) could have made up.

Tom Brady showed why he is the inventor of throwing bears into space by putting up a monster 46-point day against the vaunted Steelers Defense. Brandon Lloyd continues to show why he's the man at WR with a 21-point game vs. Kansas City. And the HBFFL got its first taste of the new dangerous 1-2 running back punch with Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis having wonderful days (22 and 16 points respectively).


Static is glad he's not this woman... or that we didn't have Michael Vick and his 64-point bear into the center of the universe day on our side.

Everything didn't come up Milhouse for your People's Champions. Jason Witten was the only Dallas Cowboy to not have any fun against the Giants, putting up a big fat goose egg. We started Tampa Bay's Mike Williams (6pts, meeting his projection)instead of Dwayne Bowe and Bowe took the initiative while his Chiefs were getting blown out by throwing a bear into the crab nebula with a 35-point performance, most of it after the game had already been decided. Even Chad Ochocinco had a nice 14-point day sitting on the People's Bench. We were also surprised that Tampa Bay had a horrid day on Defense against the lowly Panthers. But the biggest "What the-?" of the day was Renal Failure's 4th-string RB Fred Jackson of the Bills using bear-throwing muscles we didn't even know he had in putting up 33 fantasy points vs. the Lions. Maybe we move him past Brandon Jackson on the Renal Running Back Depth Chart for such a performance... or maybe we just write it off as a fluke and ride the Chris Johnson/Peyton Hillis gravy train all the way to the Promised Land.


The great prophet Muhammed with his mutton chops and white jumpsuit smiles fondly upon the People's Champion keeping their season alive.

Some may say that this victory means nothing, that all we did was beat a team that hadn't been touched by its owner in many weeks. But those people are not The People, and The People know that this was a meaningful win because it reinforces the message we started to send last week but then we got distracted by a cat video but now we're back to finish that message: Renal Failure has returned and we may be more dangerous than we were last season when we went 12-2 and were the highest scoring team in HBFFL history. We're clicking at the right time in the season, our bench is deep, and the bears are launching into space with the Renal Failure logo plastered to their grizzly flanks.

So Renal Failure is back at .500 with a 5-5 record, one game behind fourth place La Machine and two games behind The Ramblers and Bald Spots for a Wild Card slot (bitches!) with 4 games left to play. Week 11 sees The Eunuchs come into the People's House for a return engagement. In Week 2, Don's squad won 105-61 against Renal Failure. We think Renal Failure can score more than 61 points this time around, and we think there's no way the Eunuchs get close to 105 as long as Don keeps forgetting to replace the injured Tony Romo. We'll have the preview of this matchup later in the week. Until then, remember that no one circles the wagons like Renal Failure.


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Renal Failure lost in his 14-team league because Hines Ward, the Steelers Defense, and Chris Cooley didn't put up a single point. I've seen players shit the bed before, but I've never seen three of them shit the same bed at the same time. What kind of shit party is that?

Week 10 Preview: Renal Failure vs. Absentee Static

by Renal Failure


When your opponent is a deadbeat owner, you need to bring out the most powerful metal you can find to get hyped for another week of fantasy football.

It's Week 10 and the People's Champion known as Renal Failure gets to face Team Krapsody again. The last time these two team met, Renal Failure won 95-59 and Static was still interested in updating his lineup. A lot has changed since then as Static has pretty much given up on the season for reasons we don't know and don't care about while Renal Failure has toiled endlessly to turn around a disastrous half of the 2010 season to become, arguably, the most dangerous team in the HBFFL.

Sure, Tom Brady has been disappointing the last few weeks, but only the foolish underestimate the man who invented throwing bears into outer space. This man's career is based on getting revenge on the people who underestimated him. That's why he bangs Gisele Bundchen, because someone said he couldn't. We can't bring ourselves to bench him because you never know. Tennessee didn't know last year, and then BAM! 60 point day. The first bear in orbit since the Soviet Union shot a whole bunch of animals into space. Why did they do that? Because someone said they couldn't.


Cosmonaut doggie brought much pride and honor to the proletariat.

Now that that People have replenished their RB corps with Peyton Hillis and Brandon Jackson to complement Chris Johnson, the People now have the depth at RB that they thought they had when the year began with Ryan Grant, Pierre Thomas, and Clinton Portis before the three of them went down to injury.

And the People's WR collective is the envy of the league. Brandon Lloyd is a 100-yard game machine, Mike Williams of Tampa Bay has shown why Seattle's Mike Williams is known as "the other Mike Williams," Dwayne Bowe's been hot lately, and Hines Ward has veteran dependability. Chad Ochocinco is an emergency option, and Sidney Rice looks to be coming back for the last stretch of the season to provide yet another viable option at WR.


Ines Sainz only knows one thing... it is better to be Ines Sainz. Is Static Ines Sainz? No, he not. Neither is Scott Baio Ines Sainz.

With Static not taking out injured Joseph Addai, bye week Antonio Gates, and bye week Garrett Hartley, we're looking at another Renal Failure victory here. When you don't switch out three starters from your lineup, it's pretty much a forfeit, so we'll forgo the usual insights on the match-up and just rely on the blogger's crutch: that being internet videos.


When getting back to a .500 record, it's important to be well lubricated.


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Renal Failure won in all four of our leagues last week. First time all season we've done that.

Oh, and LOBO's still the only one to lose to Bex this season

by Renal Failure


We win! We win! Computer duster whippets for everyone!

Renal Failure avoids falling into a tie for last place by defeating the last place team, Bex's Battling Butterflies, 90-70. And despite the meager numbers put up by Tom Brady (18pts) and the horrid day by Hines Ward (1pt), your People's Champion is walking on sunshine.

Brandon Lloyd threw a bear into space with a 27pt day vs. the Niners, Jason Witten is turning his season around now that Tony Romo is out of the lineup by netting his second double-digit point day in a row (15pts), and Chris Johnson put up a respectable 13pts for the People to make up for not doing jack last week for us. Dwayne Bowe salvaged a light receiving day with a TD to get 7pts for the People.


Brandon Lloyd asks an uncaring God why his Denver Broncos are 2-6, and why Renal Failure is 3-5. But God does not answer his pleas, because God is too busy watching Japanese porn.

Bex's lineup put up surprising numbers with their non-featured running back corps of Mike Tolbert (14pts) and Michael Bush (16pts). Greg Jennings got 8pts vs. a tough Jets defense. Carson Palmer put 20pts vs. the Dolphins, though most of those points came in the first half. Bex also forgot to put in the Tennessee Defense instead of the bye week Philadelphia Eagles, but they only scored 7pts so their contribution wouldn't have mattered, nor would starting Vince Young (24pts) instead of Carson Palmer.

But we weren't the only team who got away with an absentee owner syndrome win. Joe and the Bourbon Blasters got a boost from Team Krapsody forgetting to field a quarterback and a flex player. Danny Woodhead and his 11 points sat on Static's bench. If Static had picked up Matt Stafford, who put up 40 vs. Washington, to replace bye week Joe Flacco and Kevin Kolb, victory would have been his.


Sorry, but he's in the employ of Renal Failure now...

More egregious was What the Canuck? getting a free ride vs. Don's Eunuchs. Don didn't swap out the injured Tony Romo, nor did he replace bye week-having Hakeem Nicks and Michael Turner either. Worse was that pretty much everyone on Don's bench was on a bye week, so the only possible way for Don to have had a chance in this game was a complete free-agent revamp of his lineup, which would have required him to actually sign into Yahoo! and tinker with his roster.

Anyway... Bex will not get another shot at the People's Champion in 2010, as this was the two teams' sole game vs. each other. But both teams could go undefeated for the rest of the season and make it to the playoffs, perhaps to meet each other again either in the semi-finals or the finals. We've seen stranger things...


What has been seen cannot be unseen... even if you don't understand it. And there isn't enough context in the world to make any sense of this.

Also, the People would like to announce a trade that was finalized after Sunday's games. Renal Failure sends QB Eli Manning and TE Marcedes Lewis to La Machine for RB Peyton Hillis and TE Brandon Pettigrew. This move gives La Machine some insurance at QB now that Alex Smith is out of action with an injury and The People's Champion gets the highly productive Hillis (104 fantasy points for a horrid Cleveland Browns team) who has been wallowing (undeservedly) on Chris's bench behind LeSean McCoy, Cedric Benson, Ray Rice, and Marshawn Lynch. The People hope this returns the vaunted 1-2 RB punch that has defined past Renal Failure teams but has been absent this season due to losing Ryan Grant in Week One.

Week 9 sees Renal Failure take on The Ramblers who are in a three-way jam for first place with the Bald Spots and Bourbon Blasters. We'll have our preview later in the week on how the People will screw things up for the Ramblers' ambitions to sit atop the HBFFL standings.


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Renal Failure is glad they actually got to trade Eli Manning this season, after no one would take him off our hands in '09.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I didn't get to play the race card against Static's Team Krapsody since I lost

After attacking the gender of my opponent, Bex, in last week's Tuesday Morning QB post, I said I wouldn't go after the ethnicity of this week's opponent, Static, in today's Tuesday Morning QB post. That doesn't mean that before the outcome, I didn't think long and hard about playing the race card in this week's post, because I did. How could I not think about playing the race card when my opponent's avatar is this:

The possibilities were endless.

However, after comparing our rosters, I counted six individual white players on his team to four individual white players on my team, so I quickly dropped that idea. And when it came down to whom we each played, we actually were even steven in the race department: two white guys in Aaron Rodgers and Brent Celek for me to two white guys in Joe Flacco and Garrett Hartley for Static.

So so much for playing the race card...

...plus it would have worked only if I had won, which by virtue of losing 102-90, I didn't...well...win. There's no fun in making fun of a black guy who wins, unless you're a member of the Tea Party.

In the end, the game between Static and me came down to a pure numbers game.

Even if I had played Austin Collie instead of Steve Breaston and Arian Foster instead of Brandon Jackson, I only would have gained 10 points and still lost.

Hey, I'm just calling a spade a spade. You know what I'm saying?

It would seem like each week's of Tuesday Morning QB just gets riper and riper for the comic possibilities. First, I faced Bex's Battling Butterflies, a too-cute name for a team and a woman team owner to boot, then this week Static's Team Krapsody, which seemed too good a name to be true in terms of mockery and a black team owner to boot. Unfortunately, not everything as it seems. Next week I face Red Raider's Eunuchs. However, it might be more difficult than it seems since I'm not sure how to kick an opponent in the balls when he doesn't have any. I might just have to kick his ass.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I gambled against Battling Butterflies and still miraculously (snicker) won

As Kenny sings: "You got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away and know when to run."

This week in fantasy football, I didn't know any of the above as I gambled, but somehow still managed to pull off the win 72-51 over Bex's Battling Butterflies.

Aside: Battling Butterflies: What the hell kind of name is that? I swat you away, killer butterflies, with my butterfly-swatter named Aaron Rodgers.

The score should have been 138-72, if we both had played our "optimal lineup" according to Yahoo GameChannel/StatTracker.

This is where the gambling entered the picture, at least for me. For Bex, I think since she's a woman, it was just throwing darts at pictures on a wall to see who she played.

Photo courtesy of Quixado on Flickr:
I'm thinking the monkey would have fared better than Bex in this contest.

However, for me, I took a gamble on an old Cadillac:

photo courtesy of rocketvox on Flickr

And like the one pictured above, the Cadillac I played, Carnell "Cadillac" Williams was parked, with nine fantasy points. I'm in two leagues and have Arian Foster in both, so I thought I'd test to see how Williams did here in this league and Foster in the other. That was my gamble.

While I did win the game, I did lose the gamble. Arian Foster put up a monster 46 fantasy points as he and the Texans went off on the Colts.

The only two other players which I have in common on both teams now are Aaron Rodgers and Austin Collie. I think next week I'll play someone else instead of Collie, but I'm thinking I'll do it in that other league which shall not be named. Maybe it will be Dez Bryant. As for Rodgers, I don't think I'll gamble him with much, except in week 10.

Tune in for next week's Tuesday Morning QB after I play Static's Team Krapsody...and I thought Battling Butterflies was a team name of which I could make fun. Oh, I can't wait for this. Don't worry I won't go after Static's ethnicity like I did with Bex's gender. After all, most of my squad is made up of African-Americans, whereas I have no women on my team and so can feel free to make fun of them all I want. Plus whereas misogyny is considered funny, racism is not unless you're a member of the Tea Party.