Monday, November 30, 2009
The Who The Freak Are These Dillholes Fantasy Football Squad or Who To Pick Up Off The Waiver Week in Week 13
1. Pittsburgh: Quarterback Dennis Dixon: This past weekend, it was a who's who of those players, starting with the top Noname Dillhole: Dennis Dixon. In our league, probably only Team Duckgirl had heard of him before this because she's a huge Oregon fan. The rest of us were, and in many cases, still are, scratching our proverbial heads in trying to figure out from which quadrant he was beamed to replace the Steelers' fallen captain. As a Steelers fan, I say, "Beam the f---er back, Scotty." (Yes, I censored myself. You should have seen the title of this post before my self-censorship. It was a fucking doozy. Oops.)
2. Atlanta: Quarterback Chris Redman: As if it weren't bad enough for my opponent, Defending Champion, who had traded for Big Ben a couple weeks back, DC started Matt Ryan who went out with a toe injury. Ryan was replaced with Chris Redman, who led the Falcons to a 20-17 victory.
Redman is not to be confused with Chris Redmond or the rapper Redman.
Other players whose names I noticed this past weekend that I didn't recognize, who scored in games which they played:
3. Oakland: wide receiver Dennis Heyward-Bay -- not to be confused with actor Dennis Haysbert or director Michael Bay and, as far as I know, not their offspring.
4. Miami: wide receiver Chris Hartline -- not to be confused with his brother, Mike Hartline, who plays for University of Kentucky or insert better joke here if you can come up with it, submit your entry to email@example.com.
5. Seattle: running back Justin Forsett -- insert your own joke here, Chris Cameron and Renal Failure, as you did last night in the chatroom (yeah, we hang out in chatrooms together, you got something to say about that? as far as I know, we're all heterosexual men content with our sexual preferences...um, as far as I know).
6. Cincinatti: tight end J.P Foschi -- not to be confused with focaccia bread or J.P. Ricciardi.
7. Houston: running back Vonta Leach -- not to be confused with Vonda Shepard or Mike Leach, tight end for the Arizona Cardinals, or the late Archie Leach, some of whose movies I actually liked.
8. Indy: running back Chad Simpson -- not to be confused with (insert your choice of pop cultural reference here, with so many Simpsons form which to choose) or Chad Simpson the World Dirt Racing League champion.
9. Philly: running back Eldra Buckley -- not to be confused with Eldra DeBarge aka El DeBarge or Eldridge Cleaver or especially not the late William F. Buckley Jr. or even Sr.
10. Baltimore: kicker Billy Cundiff -- not to be confused with Billy Currington (I'm going to leave you a link to him on principle -- um, yeah, I have principles even after leaving a link to El DeBarge, but at least not a video; I may be sick, but not that sick, dude).
I don't know about you, but I need all the help I can get in the last few weeks of fantasy football, so I'm going to drop almost my entire squad for these guys and the Detroit defense.
Remember that scene in Remember the Titans where Gerry Bertier points his finger at the opposing coach on the sideline in a menacing way?
Keep that in mind, RF. I'm coming for you with my new squad. To paraphrase another movie I saw recently, you're about to enter a world of pain, son.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
First up we have "I Suck at Fantasy Football"
Next up is a common fantasy football problem..."Monday Nighting"
Did you know Jesus has come out of fantasy football retirement? Glad he doesn't play in our league right Renal?
Finally it's the fantasy football rap...
Friday, November 27, 2009
Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy would strongly prefer to lock up the People's playoff position this week...
In Week 6, Paula's Googlyeyed Goons beat The Ramblers 130-117. We bring this up not to make the Unfinished One feel bad but to point out that Paula is fielding the exact same line up she did six weeks ago, which is problematic in Week 12 because Owen Daniels and Dwayne Bowe are inactive(Daniels on IR, Bowe suspended).
So unless Paula rediscovers her Yahoo password anytime soon, her team not only will be employing the Team Duckgirl strategy of starting an inactive injured tight end (Duckgirl won that game) but also will be doubling down on said strategy by starting an inactive player in the Flex spot as well. And the People's Champion doesn't like it one bit. Not out of some sort of code of honor that allows us no pleasure in winning against abandoned teams, but because the People see the trap that has been laid for us. A trap that the liberal elite media won't tell you about.
Admiral Ackbar comes from Real America... where they have squid heads.
The People know what's going on. We've seen the big board. You go 6-on-8 against Renal Failure and win and you've given the Wild Card the bad beat to beat all bad beats (worse than our loss last season to the Ramblers because of Dallas Clark). The People's Champion could win the actual championship and it wouldn't matter. "Oh, you won the title but you couldn't win against a team only starting six players? Haw haw!" The People know what's really going on.
Oh sure, there may be some people (not to be confused with The People) who say "Well, maybe Paula just abandoned her team" and there really is no secret plot to humiliate us and that we're drunk and shouldn't drive home, but they're missing the connections. Connections like how the Goons are starting Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald, both with awesome matchups this week, both who were on the Renal Failure roster last year. Coincidence or den of socialist treachery?
Paula... communists... killer bees... Week 12... am I the only one who gets it?
A worthy plan, Paula, but you forgot one thing. We're Captain Jack Sparrow. Wait, no. We're the Wild Card, bitches! We expect the unexpected, just like Dalton taught us in Road House. Hell, we are the unexpected. You think anyone thought Renal Failure would be 10-1?
But what if those other people who aren't The People are right? What if Paula really has just left her team on abandoned auto-pilot to pursue other things in her life that are more important than Fantasy Football? (family, friends, religion... these are the three beasts you must slay to succeed in Fantasy Football) Well, then Renal Failure has nothing to worry about, we clinch the Number One seed in the playoffs, and this whole "trap" business can be written off as the necessary vigilance inherent in being the first place team in the HBFFL, and maybe some paranoia partly induced from a Captain Morgan bender.
We know why the caged bird sings... and why the rum is gone.
As of Thursday afternoon, Yahoo! had Renal Failure projected to win 110-76, but we'll probably undershoot that score. Of the three times the People's Champion was projected to have a score over 100, we've underperformed twice. Then again, our highest scoring week this season was against Paula and her Goons.
---Renal Failure does not parlay well with others.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
PF and PA are telling stats.
Winning teams usually share one characteristic: a PF that is higher then or at least equal to their PA. Let’s look at the top four teams in the HBFFL after Week 11:
Here are the latest standings of the 14-team league I am in (I’m NE Argonauts):
As you can see the teams that score more generally have a better win/loss record. But as we have seen in our example in the opening paragraph, and in the standings of the two fantasy leagues, record might not indicate a PF higher then a PA.
Sometimes there will be teams that win with a low PF and an even-lower PA. They are playing with house money however, and once that runs out so does their season. It might happen early or late but it will happen and the pressure is on these teams to be flawless.
On the flip side are the teams, again like the example in the opening paragraph that are top in PF that also have a high PA. They generally hover right above the .500 mark, in striking distance of a postseason berth. Those teams are very, very dangerous because they score a lot and are used to playing high scoring teams.
So how does a fantasy football owner take advantage of PF and PA?
There is not much anyone can do about their PA. It is an indicator of vulnerability and completely out of anyone’s control.
PF is the key. Build a team that will blow up the scoreboard every week and you will be a formidable foe week in and week out.
It’s a take on the NFL adage of building a team that can beat the best team. Since we never know until after a draft which teams are the best, the tactic can be adapted to beat the highest scoring squad instead.
It starts with the draft. Pick players that are primed to score a ton of points at WR and RB. Chose those positions early and often in the draft because it improves the chances of getting top production.
During the season free agency provides the opportunity to upgrade your team. In the early weeks, look for the potential high scorers that were missed in the draft. You will also want to monitor the TE, K, and DEF positions. They can be a crap shoot most times but you have to swap out low-scoring ones.
Trades can help too but be careful. It is very easy to do a trade that ends up changing the scoring production of a team. Throw injuries into the mix and even a good deal for both teams could turn bad for one side.
In the end PF and PA are stats you need to pay attention to. Fantasy football success depends on it.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
At first I was like, wait is today Thanksgiving and I completely screwed up thinking it was Wednesday?
Nope it's Wednesday.
And if you will excuse me I have a little monetary wager to place before the game.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Nate Kaeding kicks the ball from wherever he damn feels like...
Why is a kicker the MVP of the People's Champion this week? We'll get to that in a bit. That's called a teaser to make sure you keep reading. Like when your local nightly news says "Could communist terrorist pedophiles be moving next door to your family? Find out at 11."
But enough about Canucklehead, let's talk Week 11.
It's official. Renal Failure has clinched a playoff spot. Mathematically, spiritually, ecumenically. Last season they were the last team eliminated from the playoff hunt, this year they are the first to get in. And our 99-91 victory over Predator Press has reminded the HBFFL that they can't come into our house and grind their boots on our couch. All these things should make the People's Champion pleased, but the People are far from jovial this day.
The starting Renal Roster underperformed. Severely. Our emergency backup players who will only play if something happens to our prized starters put our starters to shame. Fielding the lineup of Eli Manning, Percy Harvin, Jeremy Maclin, Pierre Thomas, and the San Francisco Defense, the Renal Bench could have beaten the Bald Spots and the Googlyeyed Goons. And if we bothered keeping a backup tight end or kicker the Renal Bench might have also beaten Prestige Worldwide's score too.
They say if Eli Manning pokes his head out of the ground and puts up 40+ points the week after the trade deadline, there will be six more weeks of winter and an owner pissed off that Eli picked now to be valuable trade bait.
Strange Fact: In the three games that Renal Failure has not exceeded their projected score, they are 3-0.
Our usual big guns Maurice Jones-Drew and Philip Rivers both put up a measly 13pts a piece, and MJD was playing the horrid Buffalo Bills who let Chris Johnson slam a bear into the moon on them with a 45-point day last week. Look, we knew that 29pt projected score was a tad on the high side, and our pessimistic side would have been okay with 19pts. But 13?
Also failing the People this week... TJ Houshmandzadeh barely got more points than letters in his first name (3pts), the Philadelphia Defense only got five points and one INT from the Interception Dispenser Machine Jay Cutler, and even Dallas Clark didn't impress us because his one touchdown catch for three yards was the totality of his receiving day. Who do you think you are? Mid-2000's Jerome Bettis?
Bettis once carried the ball five times for one yard and three touchdowns in a game. Also he might have once eaten a whole buffalo, but that's unconfirmed.
More Cheerful Fact: Renal Failure has reached the 10 win mark faster than any other HBFFL team ever. In 2008, Fantasy Virgin didn't get their 10th victory until Week 13. The White Strypers didn't get theirs until Week 14.
Thankfully Hines Ward and Stephen Jackson salvaged the day for the People with 23 and 22 points respectively, but who really kept our ass out of the loss column this week was kicker Nate Kaeding and his 14 points. Yeah, our kicker outscored our starting Top Ten quarterback and our MVP Top Three running back, and we still won. What team does that?
THE WILD CARD, BITCHES!
Finally, the "Renal Failure QB/K handcuff strategy" has paid big dividends. If your QB stalls out, the kicker gets field goals. If your QB is kicking ass, at least your kicker is supplementing that big day with extra points. The flaw in this is if the running back on the team is scoring all the touchdowns. But then every strategy has weaknesses. That's why they're called "strategies" and not "certainties."
There are only three certainties in life: death, taxes, and losing to Renal Failure...
Somewhere in some third world country is a child who thinks the Arizona Cardinals won the Super Bowl last year. That's because at every Super Bowl (and every sporting even for that matter) there are two sets of championship merchandise, one for each team. That's how the winning team is wearing t-shirts and hats saying they are Super Bowl champions as soon as the clock hits 00:00. The shirts for the losing team are shipped out of the country, never to be seen by American eyes, and given to humanitarian efforts in countries that don't have futbol Americano. Or indoor plumbing. Or age of consent laws.
And so the People's Champion imagines a young Somali boy being handed one of LOBO's "I defeated Renal Failure in 2009" t-shirts by a Red Cross worker, and then wearing said shirt as he joins a band of pirates, hijacks an oil tanker, and then has his head explode courtesy of a U.S. sniper. And as the mess is mopped up, the Marines or Navy or whatever branch of the military is in charge of killing pirates will look down on this headless boy and someone will wonder who he was. To which someone else will respond "I don't know, but he must have been pretty good at fantasy football to beat Renal Failure in 2009."
Someone won't be updating their lineup for Week 12...
But while LOBO can't wear his t-shirt yet without people pointing at him and screaming "You didn't beat Renal Failure, you Fraud Fraudy McFrauderstein!", he can take solace that he is still in control of his playoff destiny. At 6-5 Predator Press is in third place with the total point tiebreaker over What the Canuck? and can remain there as long as he wins out against the Bald Spots, Prestige Worldwide, and The Ramblers.
And staying in third would be beneficial for LOBO, for the four-seed must play the Number One seed and The People's Champion can clinch first place with a single win over his remaining opponents: Googlyeyed Goons, Team Duckgirl, and What the Canuck? And considering Paula started the out-for-the-year Owen Daniels and the suspended-for-four-games Dwayne Bowe this week, there's a better than average chance we'll have first place firmly in the People's hands by the end of Week 12.
But we say this to Duckgirl (the Looks) and Canuck (the Ducky): don't expect us to pull our starters for Weeks 13 and 14 and let you skate to easy victories to help you make the playoffs, because the People don't play Fantasy Football just to play Fantasy Football...
We also play for liquor and loose women who are impressed with our 10-1 record...
Preview of the People's Week 12 on Friday for your post-Thanksgiving reading pleasure.
---Renal Failure splits the uprights, but not with Adam Nougateri
QB- Ben Roethlisberger 42
RB- Ricky Williams 35
What The Canuck?
WR- Terrell Owens 30
What The Canuck?
TE- Vernon Davis 21
K- Nate Kaeding 14
Def- New England 18
(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt. Bench players are not eligible.)
Monday, November 23, 2009
I mean, Canadians...the folks best known for hockey and curling:
Seriously, I get beaten by a Canadian not just once but twice this season? Yes, he also beat me in week 2 by a score of 124-79; this time, a little bit closer, 108-96.
As my wife pointed out to me last night, they don't even celebrate Thanksgiving in the right month. They celebrate it on the second Monday in October, when everyone knows that it's on the fourth Thursday in November.
Unfortunately, this game between us was pretty much over last Thursday night when Ricky Williams, who I learned from Canucklehead once played for the Canadian Football League (unbelievably, they have one), scored three touchdowns for the Miami Dolphins and racked up 35 fantasy points. Canucklehead told me late last night that Ricky was over at his place for "celebratory bong hits."
Speaking of being high, I wasn't last Thursday night, but I might as well have been since I played Jonathan Stewart for the opposing Carolina Panthers. He amassed an underwhelming 43 rushing yards and four fantasy points.
But to put the nail in the coffin, I also took a toke of bad advice by Defending Champion here yesterday. I asked him on Facebook, who he thought I should play: Ladell Betts, Beanie Wells or Steve Slaton? He said Betts. Literally at the last minute I could, I switched from playing Wells to go with Betts.
Betts, in for an injured Clinton Portis, went out with a knee injury in the first quarter without even scoring one fantasy point. He rushed for five yards on four carries.
Meanwhile, Wells went on to score 14 fantasy points, scoring one touchdown while rushing for 74 yards and catching an 11-yard reception.
If I had played Wells, I would have won by 112-108, because later in the night DeSean Jackson finally broke out of his slump with a touchdown, 107 receiving yards and 10 rushing yards, to give me 22 fantasy points.
Thanks a lot, DC.
Oh, yeah, he's from Texas. He's the one I called The Texan in the title:
Only he's not this cool and unlike the namesake of the short-lived series who went around giving help to people in need, he's the one who will be in need of help next week when he faces me for a second time.
I already beat him once in week 3: 115-48. I guess I'll have to do it again by a similar margin too.
Freaking Texans too.
Drew Brees has been my highest scoring player in 2008 and 2009. Unfortunately, the Saints have been winning so much, that he hasn't been passing the way he should and with Jerome Shockey and Colston on my team,the running game was ultimately costing me. Week 10 was one of the worst weeks Big Ben had. Yet, 3 of the next 4 weeks coming up are againt cream puffs that were as easy as the chick in his hotel room. What I needed was a TE and WR that I could rely on to get me into the playoffs.
At 113 points, and Chris Johnson on deck this evening, Ben (42 pts) and VD (21 pts) were the keys this week. Renal Failure can thank me for sending Brees (27 pts) and Shockey (1 pt) to the Press this week. He also got Crabtree in the trade and even with the girls from the hot tub saying he was a great play, Michael (13 pts) sat on the bench paving the way for RF to keep the dominant lead.
When it comes to the great trades of the HBFFL; I think we have a new winner. Having Vernon Davis is an STD I can live with.
Friday, November 20, 2009
This happens every week to someone in the HBFFL...
Predator Press steps up this week to take on a Renal Failure squad still grieving the death of their undefeated season. But while there are usually Five Stages of Grief for most people, the People's Champion subscribes to the Irish Stages of Grief, of which there are only two: Drinking and Violent, Irrational Lashing Out.
And we're all out of Jameson's.
Did you know they make a bubblegum vodka now?
LOBO and Predator Press are the unlucky target of the People's ire for Week 11, and they've been busy little bees in PredPress offices as the trade deadline drew near. First PredPress picks up Drew Brees, Jeremy Shockey, and Michael Crabtree from Defending Champions for Ben Roethlisberger, Vernon Davis, and Reggie Wayne. Then LOBO makes a deal with Renal Failure's favorite trading partner The Ramblers, giving up the Minnesota Defense for Tim Hightower to address his weak RB situation.
But what really grinds the people's gears about LOBO's wheeling and dealing is that it forced us to rewrite most of this post. Inconsiderate ass! You think we hammer these reviews out over the course of a bowel movement? Each post is carefully handcrafted, like a piece of Amish furniture. You ever see Amish furniture? It's brilliant. The cockroaches will be sitting in it after the nuclear apocalypse, that's how well made it is.
Now we had tried making a few deals with LOBO earlier in the season that didn't pan out. Maybe we weren't enticing enough. Maybe LOBO was too paranoid to accept a deal from someone who had fleeced The Ramblers in Week 6. Maybe LOBO didn't want to bolster an already dangerous first place team. Who knows? But our manager back at the Renal home office doesn't like it when we can't close deals.
"Kidney dialysis is for closers!"
We wanted to make a deal with Paula and her Googlyeyed Goons for WR Larry Fitzgerald (and it was an awesome deal), but apparently Paula hasn't even logged into Yahoo! in weeks, seeing how she's still starting Owen Daniels at TE and he's been gone for the season for a while. This makes Paula the dead-beat parent of the league, a position held last season by Rickey of the now-defunct Menschwarmers.
But back to the business of the nation... Renal Failure is projected to win 112-84 over Predator Press. Last time we were projected that high we underperformed (vs. DefChamps). Normally we'd think that projection was too high, but Philip Rivers (24pts vs. Denver) is projected in his normal range, as are Ochocinco(7pts vs. Oakland), Hines Ward(9pts vs. Kansas City), and Stephen Jackson (15pts vs. Arizona). Dallas Clark at 10pts may be a little high, but then again he's Dallas Clark and Baltimore's D isn't so scary these days. The Philly Defense is projected for 10 as well, and that seems high until you factor in that they're playing Chicago and Jay Cutler's been giving away interceptions like they're radio station promotional gifts. The only one with an outrageous projection is Maurice Jones-Drew, but he is playing the Buffalo Bills who gave up 45 fantasy points to Chris Johnson last week. Considering MJD knows he owes his fantasy owners for kneeling at the 1-yard line last week, we don't see his 29-point projected score as unfeasible.
But Predator Press is far from dead in the water. LOBO will be depending on Drew Brees to be Drew Brees, and hoping that the running back time share in Arizona doesn't favor Beanie Wells. Brandon Marshall and Sidney Rice are still solid at WR and the opportunistic New Orleans Defense could have a lot of fun with Tampa Bay's rookie quarterback. And who knows how many bad decisions Andy Reid in Philly will make that will bring David Akers onto the field for three points a pop?
Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy strongly suggest you start Jay Cutler, LOBO...
A Renal Failure win clinches the People a playoff spot. A Renal Failure win coupled with a La Machine loss clinches us the number one seed (wait, the Wild Card doesn't get into the playoffs as a Wild Card? How deliciously absurd!). A Predator Press win brings them within two games of 1st place Renal Failure and keeps LOBO above the pack of hungry 5-5 and 4-6 teams scrapping for a playoff spot. Or at least it puts him above that 4th place spot, where a return engagement with a wrathful People's Champion is almost certain.
---Renal Failure isn't letting the liquor do the talking. Renal Failure IS the liquor.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Today is about risk…
I read a great blog by Yahoo Sports writer Scott Pianowski the other day about taking chances after the Belichick 4th-and-2 call:
"The sports world is filled with managers and coaches who are conventional and conservative to a fault….There is no try…
I see the same risk-averse concepts seeping into a lot of our fantasy sports, and while that might be the best way to play it in a non-competitive group, I know from experience that you need to be aggressive if you want to win a strong league. Some owners are afraid to trade. Some owners won't bench a slumping player because he was an early pick. Some owners would rather let 4-5 rules of thumb dictate their lineup decisions rather than get their hands dirty.
Fantasy glory does not come to the Dick Jaurons of the world, the guys who punt while a game is still winnable. Don't be afraid of how a loss is going to feel afterwards. Identify the most logical path to a victory and trust your instincts."
Like Bill and Yoda I also rolled the dice.
I had a great trifecta of RB’s in Chris Johnson, Ray Rice, and Michael Turner but I could only start two (RB and Flex spots).
Meanwhile my WR’s were Calvin Johnson, Welker, and Driver, two of which have to start.
So I was looking to add a top WR to compliment Welker having a top RB to give up. I accepted a trade offer of Chris Johnson for Andre Johnson.
Talk about risk.
There’s Turner’s injury which means my #1 back is now Rice followed by Grant for the next two weeks (at least).
The trade was also supposed to remove the issue of having to pick the “right” player at a key position. With Turner’s injury and no more Chris Johnson the Flex position is a choice between Calvin, Grant, and Driver for the next few weeks.
But at the same time, Chris Johnson has not impacted my fantasy standings. I’ve won without him and lost with him.
And the trade doesn’t hurt me if I win. That’s the most important thing.
So yes, there are problems when it comes to taking chances. You will take risks and lose and take them and win.
But nobody ever takes a risk in order to lose.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Good luck the rest of the season as I can not wait for the Week 11 picks.
The once undefeated Renal Failure is now 9-1 thanks to an epic win by La Machine. How epic?
Donovan McNabb threw for 450 yards. Bears are now an endangered species thanks to McNabb tossing so many of them into space.
Turner the Burner was lost to a high ankle sprain after kicking in 16 fantasy points. He was the sacrifice the island demanded.
La Machine was only the third team to score 100+ points against the Wild Card (Bitches!) and the only one to win at the same time.
My team even won the cardboard tube fight at halftime.
So after getting my revenge against the Defending Champions I now have the win against undefeated Renal Failure under my belt.
Yes, it's a happy moment.
But there's still four weeks left, an injury to Turner to deal with, and a Bald Spots team with his precious...Tom Brady.
Not to worry because I've got some help again this week...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The season's over. Shut it down. Shut all this down.
It was bound to happen sooner or later, but Renal Failure's perfect season has been exterminated. The People have lost. 111-96 to La Machine. We almost forgot what losing felt like, it's been so long. It's cold and empty. Like Manitoba.
Our fatal error was leaving TJ Houshmandzadeh and his 21pts on the bench while usual WR studs Hines Ward and Chad Ochocinco only scored an impotent 2pts apiece. Hell, Percy Harvin had a better day than both Ward and Ocho (5pts). But considering Housh's dismal performance against the Cardinals earlier this season, we're not kicking ourselves too hard over our decision. Now we know not to start WR's who are competing in the same game. And the 15 point margin of victory lets us not mind MJD's decision not to score that touchdown near the end of the Jags/Jets game. We're saving all our scorn for Ward and Ocho, and maybe some the Broncos Defense too for their pathetic 3-point day vs. Washington.
(At least we beat our projected score. Unfortunately so did La Machine.)
But our real bane in this week's loss was La Machine QB Donovan McNabb who not only put up deep-space bear numbers for La Machine, but who also couldn't pull out a win against the San Diego Chargers, giving us the rare Fantasy Football/Real Football double whammy as the People's Champion is an Eagles fan. If you're going to ruin our fantasy football day, Donovan, at least don't ruin our real football day too. Why don't you just go back in time and kill Optimus Prime in front of our seven-year old eyes again while you're at it.
A lot of childhoods ended that day in the movie theater...
But the People do not grieve (or at least they'll stop by Thursday night for half-off margarita happy hour), for soon they will be one with the Matrix. No, wait. Cut! Cut! Let's take it again from after the video. 3... 2... 1...
But still, the People will not mourn this blemish on our record for long, for they know the People's Champion operates best when their backs are against the wall.
"But how can a 9-1 team have their backs against the wall?" you might ask. "That doesn't sound right." And you would be correct in that assessment if you were talking about a normal team. But this is Renal Failure. The Wild Card (bitches!). The Duke of New York. The Nobel Laureate of the HBFFL. We don't operate like other teams, or like other human beings.
Chris opened the season with a Rocky IV Ivan Drago reference, so it is ironic that his La Machine squad ended up in the Rocky role, bloodying the handsome face of the Great One...
"You see? He's not a machine! He's a man!"
So now it has been shown that Renal Failure is not invincible. That the Great One can't dodge every bullet. That the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler can be pinned. Our frightening aura is no longer so bright, and we sense that teams are going to start thinking they can march into the People's House and put their boots on our couch.
Fuck our couch? Fuck OUR couch? Oh hell no!
And so a smarting and bruised Renal Failure sees Week 11's bout with LOBO's Predator Press not just as another game, and not just an another opportunity to clinch a playoff spot, but as an opportunity for the People's Champion to restore their fearsome reputation, and to reassert the Wild Card (bitches!) as the most explosive and unpredictable element on the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football periodic table.
Thulium is out... RenalFailium is in... where's your Lobonium?
We'll have our preview of our Week 11 elemental clash with Predator Press on Friday.
---Renal Failure was doing fine until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
QB- Payton Manning 45
What The Canuck
RB- Chris Johnson 45
WR- Randy Moss 34
TE- Brent Celek 10
K- Dave Carpenter 13
Def- Arizona Cardinals 6
(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt. Bench players are not eligible.)
Monday, November 16, 2009
At the time, I said I still would have played him, that I'd take back one of those fingers I gave him and save the other one for when he screwed me over the next time.
From now on, I'll let you be the one to give out the fingers:
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The real problem is that last year, I picked my line up each week without the help of any fantasy site information or TV networks. This year, I have the Red Zone and at least five different sources for which players to start. I have finally found what I want to be when I grow up...a fantasy football expert! These guys get paid for making decisions on who to start and sit. They have no repercussions for effing my team up. Did I really bench Benson for Charles last week?
The experts promised me 25 touches.
Through all this seasons excitement, I have found my new favorite TV show...The League on FX.
Mrs. Defending Champion is enjoying it with me and I have found my new FFL Hubris. The HBFFL should be the leading sponsor of this show...combining Fantasy with comedy.
Although Chris is the league commissioner, I with Drew Brees as QB and a hot wife is the "Kevin". In a twist of fate, Kevins wife Jenny actually runs the team as I did for Leigh last year.
No one knows what Kevin's brother Taco does for a living. In fact, the reason that he is in the league is so that Kevin can make sure he is alive every week. This next clip is Taco laying down some smack about Kevin's wife's "p". I am not sure which of our blogging team is more like Taco.
Our next character is the goofy plastic surgeon from an ivy league college.
This next guy goes to any extreme to get the information needed to field a team.
Pete seems to be the most level headed of the group. He has won the league 3 out of 4 years.
I never could see how Renal Failure ripped off Rambler on the big trade this year. This next video explains it all. I am just curious what dirt do you have on Rambler?
I guess y'all will have to fill in what character each of you wants to be..or not.
In the mean time, I relize I only have 35 minutes to alter my lineup. Need to check ESPN, NFL network, etc.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Apparently, Renal Failure will be using a catapult to launch my Bearataur into space in hopes of beating me in week ten. After reading about it, I think his chances are looking even slimmer.
He has to use a catapult to launch bears into space? His team can’t do it themselves? I know it is a Bearataur but still. Weak.
Not to worry because I have another secret weapon in case Renal Failure pulls off his dastardly plan.
I’ve got a group on my side that strikes fear through not only fantasy football but the whole nation, the whole planet, the entire universe and space-time continuum….
Yes that’s right the Daleks.
And last time I checked, nobody on Renal Failure’s roster is a Time Lord.
And did I mention that I also have one of these…
And might I add it is not faulty like Doctor Who’s is. I can travel to any point in space and time. So if Renal Failure wins I will simply travel back in time and change the outcome.
Resistance is futile.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Lose to Renal Failure... LIKE A BOSS! Swallow sadness... LIKE A BOSS!
The Commissioner of the HBFFL gets another crack at the People's Champion this week. La Machine's Week One loss is better known as the game that earned Renal Failure the nickname The Wild Card (bitches!). Chris wants Week 10 to be known as the game Renal Failure's undefeated streak came to a brutal end.
The People's Champion had some concerns about the People's chances earlier this week when they saw La Machine's RB duo of Ray Rice and Chris Johnson were projected for 26 and 29 points respectively. QB Donovan McNabb is only projected for 21. Really, how many times have you seen two running backs on the same team both with projected scores higher than their starting QB (aside from teams starting Derek Anderson, JaMarcus Russell, or Armless Beiderman of the 1942 Peoria Pudwhackers)?
But Mr. Johnson will now be plying his wares for the Defending Champions, as La Machine exchanged his Johnson for another Johnson, this one named Andre who plays WR for the Houston Texans. We just hope Chris was wearing protection during all this Johnson swapping, because you never know where someone's Johnson has been. Hell, you might not even remember where your Johnson has been. You can pass your Johnson around all town if you want, just be responsible about it. Anyway, we hope we get invited to Joe and Chris's wedding in Iowa.
But Chris can't swing his new Johnson in our faces this week, because Andre is on a bye. However, there's still Ray Rice and the rest of the La Machine squad who as of Thursday night are projected to win 100-94 over Renal Failure. But Renal Failure has fear? A thousand times no! For our Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler bowels are girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo dung.
That and Renal Failure is known to overperform.
Renal Failure has only underperformed our projected score twice this season (and we still put up 101 points on DefChamp last week). And in the seven games that the People's Champion has exceeded their projections, the lowest margin between actual and projected scores has been seven points. Some quick cocktail napkin calculations tell that Renal Failure is +122 vs. Yahoo! projections for the season. That tells us that Renal Failure knows how to put bears into deep space.
In space, no one can hear you get your head stuck in a honey pot...
But what makes Renal Failure different from all the other bear-chuckers in the HBFFL is that you never know who will be the one on the Renal Roster sending the Country Bear Jamboree out to the Crab Nebula. The Philly Defense in Week One was only projected for 8pts... they gave us 31 and the victory over La Machine. Week Two had Dallas Clark projected for 7pts and he racked up 29, along with Philip Rivers' 39-point day against the Ravens. TJ Houshmandzadeh put up 19 (projected for 8) to help us beat What the Canuck in an otherwise horrible Week Five. In Week Six, Maurice Jones-Drew was projected for 26 and he put up 40 on the Bald Spots to stave off the infamous Tom Brady 60-point day (also that week, Hines Ward put up 26 when he was only projected for 10). Week Seven saw Chad Ochocinco projected for 7 points and quadrupling it for 28.
In other words, The Bearataur will not know whose hand will pull the lever on the People's Bearapult.
And La Machine must also worry about underperforming, because Renal Failure is not only the leading scorer in the HBFFL with 985 points, they're also the team that has had the least amount points scored on them (700). Only two teams have reached the 100-point mark against the Wild Card (Bald Spots and Defending Champions both scored 100 on the dot, and 60 of those for the Bald Spots were courtesy of Tom Brady). There's something about Renal Failure that keeps opponents from scoring big, or at least big enough to win. Something we can't perceive as humans. An energy field? Maybe our manly musk? Perhaps even bear powers.
Renal Failure will be the Lizard Queen!
Oh, and if Renal Failure wins this week they clinch a playoff spot, mathematically speaking. But the People know that Renal Failure clinched a playoff spot in their hearts long ago.
---Renal Failure says horrible things all the time. No one asks why.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
As of tonight, the score between us is tied 4-4. Methinks, though, that will change very quickly after the first game Sunday...so much for going 5-5 this week and getting to the .500 mark.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
To top it off I was torn with a lineup decision and sat Chris Johnson in favor of Ray Rice.
And of course it was a pain in the ass having to explain the loss to Palpatine...
Up next is Wild Card (bitches!), People's Champion, and whatever else Renal Failure's ego is calling itself these days. But he is 9-0, has a scoring machine for a team, and I'm without my Death Star.
That's why I'm taking a trip this week in search of my new secret weapon...
Why India you ask? Because Renal Failure thinks tossing bears into outer space is the shiznit as the kids like to say these days and India is the only place to find a counter to his gameplan.
Trying throwing the Bearataur into space!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
"I think she's talking to you, Joe..."
Fact: In 2008, no team beat all nine teams in the HBFFL. Fantasy Virgin/Defending Champions went 0-1 against The White Strypers and Predator Press. La Machine went 0-2 against the White Strypers. And the White Strypers went 0-2 against the Washington Crooks.
[Ed note: La Machine actually did beat Strypers in the playoffs. And sorry for the incomplete note earlier hehe.]
Fact: In 2009, Renal Failure (9-0) has a win over every team in the HBFFL.
Week 9 has passed and Renal Failure survives again, and no we're not talking about another Tom Brady 60-point scare. We're talking about winning by the slimmest of margins. The kind of win that makes Rambler break out the Megadeath "Skin of My Teeth" video.
The Great One's 101-100 victory over Defending Champions may make Chris C. of La Machine feel better about losing to the Champs (then Fantasy Virgin) in last year's championship game by a single point, but the People's Champion is less sanguine about avenging last year's defeats to FV/DC.
Defending Champions (aka the Brains of the HBFFL) took a gamble by playing RB Jamaal Charles in the Flex spot this week, based on the advice of so-called "experts" who expected him to throw up big bear-in-orbit points this week against the Jaguars in the absence of Larry Johnson. Instead Charles only scored 6 points while Cedric Benson (22 points) and Miles Austin (11 points, all scored on one catch, mind you) sat on the DC bench.
Renal Failure survives again, and we might have to send Matthew Berry of ESPN Fantasy Football a thank you card for making DC outsmart himself.
Defending Champs post-game press conference...
But at least DefChamps can take pride that he changed his mind about starting Michael Crabtree over Andre Johnson and that his Seattle Seahawks Defense gambit paid off nicely with that late 4th quarter interception and touchdown by Josh Wilson, turning a 95-92 Renal Failure lead (courtesy of Philip Rivers' late game heroics against the Giants) into a 100-95 beacon of hope that was extinguished by the slimmest of margins in the Sunday night game by the Philadelphia Eagles Defense doing the bare minimum for the People's Champ (6pts). DC released his previous DEF, San Diego, earlier in the week and the Chargers only put up 7pts on the G-Men.
(Note: If the Eagles D failed us, this post would probably have been titled Matt Stafford Ruined Our Season With That Interception And Should Get The Swine AIDS.)
Not to say Renal Failure was Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius this week either. The People's Champ left WR Hines Ward and his 16 Monday Night points on the bench while Chad Ochocinco underperformed against Baltimore (projected for 10pts, only got 6). Maurice Jones-Drew didn't throw a bear into outer space this week as projected, instead earning a respectable 18 points. He fell just three rushing yards short of hitting the 100 yard bonus in his game against the Chiefs, though that would have only given him 24pts when he was projected for 26.
But at least TJ Houshmandzadeh and Pierre Thomas (filling in for Stephen Jackson during his bye week) performed exactly as projected (9pts and 14pts respectively), and Dallas Clark continued to dominate at tight end (14 catches, 119 yards for 16 pts, projected for 11).
Renal Failure survives again, walking that razor's edge. For the life of the Wild Card (bitches!) is a perilous one. That's why we bring chicks with swords with us.
Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy strongly suggest you start Tavaris Jackson...
Week 10 for the People's Champion is a rematch with Sith Lord Chris and his 2nd-place La Machine (5-4), who are still smarting from their defeat by Team DuckGirl who not only picked up the injured TE Chris Cooley off the free agent list but started him as well even though he was inactive. The guys in the HBFFL Yahoo! Stattracker chat room on Sunday weren't sure what she was thinking with that move, but Renal Failure knew she had a secret plan (just like how we knew TE Brent Celek would have a TD in the Sunday night game for Prestige Worldwide). You were playing Hungry Hungry Hippos for shits and giggles, she was playing 4-dimensional chess for diamonds and Malaysian boys, and she cleaned up. DuckGirl gets Wild Card props for her boldness. Anyway, we'll have our La Machine/Renal Failure Week 10 preview later this week.
---Renal Failure knows that the undefeated get no pity. Not that he got much of that before.
I think we need to divide up the HBFFL MVP into positions. Quarterbacks easily dominate.
1. Kurt Warner 43
2. Jay Cutler 42
3. Michael Turner 34
(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Disenchanted by La Machine’s stubborn unwillingness to let me drive their Death Star, Predator Press has commissioned the construction of our own.
-And let me be the first to tell you, our Death Star blows La Machine’s snooty Death Star totally out of the water.
Scrapping the original design entirely, Predator Press scienticians immediately scoured Culiacan, Mexico for the best engineers money can buy.
This baby -stripped clean of needless, cumbersome and expensive frivolous technologies such as engines, plumbing, and life support- comes equipped instead with sixteen casinos, five spas, three water parks, a driving range, miniature golf, nine heated swimming pools (three indoors), cup holders, air bags, and the world renown Predator Press Death Star Steak House and Gift Shop. Plus we’ve got gigantic mud flaps with buxom chick silhouettes on backorder -and once April 2010 rolls around and that custom spoiler and hood scoop comes in, pow, we’ll be ready for some football.
-It's gonna suck for you guys.
But let not your hearts be troubled; all defeated HBFFL members will enjoy extended credit lines, comped rooms, and continental breakfasts. And not lame-assed stale bagel and jelly crap either: this is a first class operation, and you deserve nothing better than stale muffins -muffins that have stuff that is probably fruit already in them!
And what better way to commemorate the humiliating loss you’ve suffered to Predator Press than rounding up the kids and teaching them of the history you were almost part of?
Friday, November 6, 2009
With last year's loss to the Ramblers avenged, Renal Failure's attention goes to our next opportunity for vengeance.
Last season Defending Champions (then known as Fantasy Virgin) racked up two victories over the People's Champion, including one in Week 13 that buried in the People's playoff hopes. But this season both these teams find themselves swapping roles. Now it is Renal Failure riding high atop the standings and Fantasy Virgin/Defending Champions fighting for a playoff berth. DefChamps are 4-4 and tied for 3rd with What the Canuck? (aka. the Ducky, losers of their last four games) and Predator Press (who beat Canuck this past week thanks to the Saints DEF), and right behind them are five ravenous 3-5 teams waiting to pounce (and the Bald Spots have the hot hand with a 2-game winning streak).
So what are the chances that the Defending Champions (aka the Brains) can end the undefeated streak of the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler known as Renal Failure? Pretty decent, actually, despite what the Yahoo! projections say (111-89 in favor of RF as of Thursday night while we were watching Trailer Park Boys). Drew Brees is always dangerous and has a good matchup against Carolina, Cedric Benson is well rested coming off a bye week, and Andre Johnson is feeling better after bruising a lung a few games ago.
But the Wild Card (bitches!) get Chad Ochocinco coming off a bye as well, Pierre Thomas will also be facing that porous Carolina defense, and Maurice Jones-Drew is facing the Kansas City Chiefs in what we like to call a potential "Entire-Berenstain-Bears-Family-in-Orbit" matchup.
The People's Champion will be without Stephen Jackson though, but bye weeks haven't bitten Renal Failure in the ass so far this season. The Great One has already survived byes for Ochocinco, Hines Ward, Philip Rivers, Jones-Drew, the Philadelphia Eagles Defense, and Dallas Clark. How did we do it, you may ask? Because nobody circles the wagons like Renal Failure.
And just because LOBO called Renal Failure "a juggernaut" earlier this week, the People's Champion gives you this...
Yeah... you'd better know who Renal Failure is.
---Renal Failure will leave you as left me, as you left her... marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet... buried alive!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
"If you're going to paraphrase that quote: "Be polite, be efficient..." then you need to be The Sniper, not The Scout, as you put in your earlier post."
And the Rambler had a point... how can someone be both the Scout and the Sniper? You can't... unless you're actually THE SPY!
WILD CARD, BITCHES!
Renal Failure (8-0) has breached the Ramblers defenses... you see what the People's Champion has done to the other teams in the league, and how he stabbed Rambler in the back with that trade in Week 6... and worst of all Renal Failure could be anyone in this room! It could be you. It could be me. Wait, it is me! Oh no! Too late! It's a 117-92 stab-fest victory for Renal Failure and your Toyota Week 8 Biggest Fantasy Football Blowout.
The lesson learned: Never underestimate Renal Failure, or pornography starring your mother will be the second-worst thing that happens to you that particular week.
Hmmm... a 25 point margin of victory... why, that's the same margin of points Stephen Jackson scored over Steve Slaton. This warrants a closer look at the biggest trade ever in the HBFFL. I mean, we've already stuck the knife in. Might as well twist it a few times.
The Ramblers didn't start the other two players they got from Renal Failure this week, though it wouldn't have mattered. WR Jerricho Cotchery and RB Tim Hightower were only 12 points better than Hakeem Nicks and Beanie Wells. And Renal Failure couldn't start the other people they got in the trade because WR Chad Ochocinco was on a bye this week and Derrick Ward had been released for a case of beer. So SJax alone outscored the three players he was traded for 26-13.
But if the trade never happened, Renal Failure likely would have started Slaton and Cotchery (instead of WR Percy Harvin and his 14 point day) and victory would have been in the Ramblers' hands. Furthermore, Rambler would still have Ochocinco for future weeks and the People's Champion would be cursing his lack of depth and production at WR, as well as watching one of his prized running backs being benched for fumbleitis.
So regarding Rambler's role in this deal...
Next on CSI: Mesopotamia...
At this time the Great One would like to thank the Unfinished One for his graciousness and for keeping our undefeated season going... but Rambler is a Yankees fan so we'll hold off on that, for The People's Champion supports the World Fucking Champions.
---Renal Failure is not the president of your fan club.
I had already made a classic meatball with McNabb but to make matters worse her WR, Roddy White caught a late touchdown in Monday night's game.
It was like the Rebel Alliance actually figured out what the hell this guy was saying...
Suddenly it's 65-61...
I'm only ahead by four? With Michael Turner being all runny and stuff? But alas, I had a trick up my sleeve...
Quite operational. The challenge flag was thrown contesting the play and it was ruled not a catch.
Never underestimate the power of the dark side. It will take away a Roddy White touchdown and seven fantasy points quicker then you can say spygate.
Final score: 72-58. 5-3 and #2 overall.
Now some of you will wonder how the hell am I in second place. Well besides the awesomeness of my roster coupled with some astute free agent pickups the reason is simple: I am secretly a Sith Lord.
Along with the usual things like having a Death Star, a never-ending supply of infantry and weapons, and a really cool choking move (which does come in handy at the DMV by the way), the dark side of the force allows me to influence the outcomes of fantasy football matchups.
Of course I don't do it all the time. That would be boring.